Herbert dying was the hardest thing I ever lived through. It was a total shock, I punched Steve in the face for waking me up and telling me that Herbert was dead. I remember falling down and then just screaming and screaming until Steve called my doctor, went to a pharmacy and brought home xanax and put one in my mouth. It took about 15 minutes and I was calm enough to start packing.
I was in disbelief and Full of Guilt. Herbert had called me earlier and I was working at home, finishing a difficult portrait, and I told him that I had to finish and I would call him back. It took me several hours and when I finally finished I laid down and fell asleep.
Steve told me that he died in the car I gave him in mom's garage from exhaust inhalation. I was frantic, I called Mike and screamed"Was it suicide?!" And Mike said, "Slow down! Listen, I don't think it was suicide. Just get down here and we will figure this out."
I was on the next flight to Houston. Mike picked me up and we went to mom's house and grilled her about what happened. What was her last conversation with him? How did she find him? WHAT DID THE CORONER DAY? She told the story. She said that the last time she had talked to him that he had knocked on her bedroom door and was holding a piece of bread and asked for a little peanut butter. That broke my heart!! I knew she hated that we made her take him in and now I know she hid all the food in her room and he had to beg for a little peanut butter. That makes me cry still.
I don't want to go through this in detail. I know I have in long handwritten journals and maybe I will here later but for now, Mike said that the key in the car was OFF and it still had a quarter tank of gas. Mike had talked to the coroner who said that he had never seen that in a suicide which gave us a little peace. From talking to Mom we were fairly sure that Herbert had gone out to the garage to listen to the radio in the car, his escape, and we thought maybe our mother had closed the big garage door. I still think that is very possible and how that at that moment she didn't realize she was killing him. The car was no longer really road worthy but Herbert used it for this and would have started it for a while when he did to keep the battery charged. For years I tried to imagine that he peacefully drifted off and died in his sleep.
Mike shook my whole world when he called to tell me about our brother's glasses. Mike picked up Herbert's glasses in mom's garage and took them home and put them on a shelf. Much later he picked them up and just kind of automatically held them up to the light. He said that they were full of tears, that it was obvious that Herbert had cried long and hard, head down, before he died. Whether he killed himself or not, he died crying. That was a million sword through my soul. I didn't think I could hold the pain!! We both cried through the phone. Mike had to tell me because he was going to release a song he had written called "My Brother's Glasses".
I had to get off the phone. Was this too much?? I was already in so much pain I wanted to die. Oddly, my only comfort had been Jeanette saying that my suffering through Jeremy for 22 years had not been a test by God but was a punishment. Right or wrong, I needed so badly to hear that!! So many nights I have cried to God "IF THIS IS A TEST I AM FAILING!! PLEASE HELP ME!!" And I would try to be a little more patient with Jeremy, a little more tolerant of his constant anger and abuse. But what Jeanette said rang true. She said my life has run in 22 year cycles of punishment and I am 66. I don't think She had even done the math that 66 divided by 3 is 22. I was growing up abused in every way, then with Steve 22 years, and then 22 years with Jeremy. She says it's over and in pretty sure I don't have another 22 years in me!! But I hope part of that punishment was for This Life, for not stopping work and talking to Herbert when he called, and for that I would live through a dozen Steve's, Herbert's, and all the rapists of my childhood and fell secure that I deserve the pain. Yes, Jessalynn wounded me pretty badly but that is totally wrapped up with Jeremy. Barely important any more.
My brother, Herbert James Kiser, has more heart than anyone I've ever known. A after he died he materialized in one of my dreams with that huge smile, walking up to me. I said "Gore are you here? You died!" And he said, "I know, and I can't stay! Just give me a hug" and he vanished while I hugged him. I KNOW he forgave me. I just never figured out how to forgive myself. I know I have to in order to move on. Jeanette will help me. She IS my guide now, I am sure of that ❣️
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