This starts with two long texts I sent to my Pain Management doctor, Dr. Gold. He changed my pain prescription, lowered it by 10 MG a day, but since I was living through absolute Hell when I picked up my prescriptions, I didn't notice the change and kept taking them as I normally did until I noticed I was almost out of the morphine extended release. He had cut my morphine by 15 MG a day and added an extra 5 MG of instant release Oxycodone immediate release. I tried using the extra oxycodone to stop withdrawal but it barely worked. I was told that was because my body was in hard withdrawal for the morphine. I went and saw him, told him I hadn't noticed and told him a little about Why I hadn't noticed. He cried with me, said he would fix it for me, and did nothing. I have his cell phone number because I am a long time VIP supposedly, so I started texting, asking, then begging, for TWO WEEKS and no response at all. What follows is how this worked out. I'm sharing with you because it tells what happened Here and is actually kinda humorous now.
No missionaries called or anything so forget that but I have read the Bible, the Book of Morman, The Pearl of Great Price, the Quran, and my mother was Buddhist and whatever angle I look at what you have done to me is literally UNGODLY. I have to trust you. You tell me u will never cut meds by more than 5mg at a time but you cut mine by 15 MG then by 10 MG this time, both with No Warning. I explain in detail WHY I didn't notice in time to save me abject misery and you compassionately say "Well, of course you didn't notice what I did! I'll fix this". And then Nothing. I'm in serious withdrawal Out Of Morphine. I've thrown away NINE pairs of underwear, THREE pairs of sweat pants, and I'm supporting and caring for a family of 4 on $900 a month SSI. AND that was only about the diarrhea part of this misery. I am really hating that u display the Bible and The Book of Morman, the Pearl of Great Price in every room but act like you never learned how to treat a suffering person. Yes I know, I have to 'Turn The Other Cheek' because we have a contract that I signed about how I would act but u didn't sign one backing any promises you make. If u would only just bother to respond to my desperate messages! It feels a whole lot like hatred and I never saw that coming. Act one way and do things another. I'm not going to quote scripture about that because you know already. It just somehow doesn't matter.
I was in a fog for much of the last year from the permanent damage after having 3 brain bleeds after an aneurysm. Then my beautiful brother reminded me that my brain was inconsequential, that my Mind was still there, with everything I needed to heal and he sent me a 100 year old book called The Secret of the Ages that teaches exactly that and much more.
I've been telling Jeremy he had to leave for Years. I didn't understand how this was going on until a granddaughter sent me a description of a low IQ Narcissist. I have been told by some, even some therapists, that he was a narcissist but in my mind that meant people like Donald Trump but no, Jeremy is his own special kind whose specialty is living on pity. And I was a perfect target. Do you know that I washed his feet when we met to tell the story of Christ? He just saw a "sucker". 22 years of hitting a brick wall trying to get through to him because he wasn't the least bit interested in his salvation, just what he could get out of me. Every time he did something unspeakable, hurt me, hurt one of my family, he would beg, promise to do better, you know the song, and I would give the poor guy another chance. Right before the accident he punched my autistic grandson in the stomach. I was taking Jeremy to his pharmacy for his meds to take with him when I put him out when we got hit on the freeway. It was months before I even remembered what he had done. He didn't hit his head, but I totally believe he used my blank memory to his advantage for most of the last year. While I'm recovering he's telling any family who will listen, mostly the grandkids, and the agoraphobic daughter, Jess, who I've taken care of all her life, how I Was actually secretly Abusing Him. Then a granddaughter who is already an adult, sent me the low IQ Narcissist info and reminded me about Jeremy hitting Riley. We had just got the accident settlement. When this house was put in my name only I had insisted they make a new title with him on it. The man who I supported 22 years now owned 50% of this house and i finally saw what he Is. I'm praying about the vindictivness of this, but I started playing the long game, playing him to pay me back for supporting him. All of our savings was in His Name because he said it would be better with my Brain Injury. I wanted at least half of that money for the taxes and house insurance this year. That was what I saved it for. He never even paid a bill in his life and refused to learn how, he really is clueless how to survive without a Pity Party. When he realized I was playing a game against him it turned into all out war here. And then the kids accidently talked about him having a girlfriend that I overheard. I started airing on The All Humiliation Network. A few days ago he came at me smashing everything out of his way like he does and I spread my arms wide and said "Kill Me. All I want is to unite the family you have torn apart and THIS will reunite My Family. DO IT." and it stopped him in his tracks. We were nose to nose, eye to eye, and he knew I was right. What a glorious moment to crap my pants. The All Humiliation Network. I was absolutely hating you in the bathroom! Bagged up my pants to mail to you. Then the title company called and said the new title was ready. I asked him in front of the family (who he still acts decent in front of) if he was going to sign the house over so the kids would inherit and he said Of Course. We left. On the way there he asked if I planned to be a f---ing bitch and throw him out after he signed. I didn't lie, I just said "What do you think? How well do you know me?" and he went in and signed the new deed. And when we got home I told him he needed to start packing and, he couldn't have done it on purpose but couldn't have time it better, he had a Grand Mal seizure. Jess and the grandchildren screamed at me WHAT DID U DO TO HIM! IM CALLING THE POLICE, not an ambulance for him, the police. My oldest daughter moved in when she heard I was living in his Pity Party and she's the only one besides me who has ever gotten him thru a seizure she went to him so i just stood there. I knew he likely wouldn't die, he has them all the time, but it was the first time i wasn't flooded with love and pity, Me, the leader of his pity party for 22 years! I knew i was free!! and it was time for one of the kids to b picked up from school so I left to get her. The police were here when I've got here. Jess actually went outside to greet them so my oldest daughter, Jami, wouldn't hear her and she was so busy trying to get Me Removed From My House that the officer didn't realize that there was a man inside needing an ambulanceat first and he was the one to call for an ambulance. Jami got Jeremy in a safe position and when he was in the postical phase she started texting me what was going on so I walked in ready. The police knew I couldn't, well, likely didn't MAKE him have a seizure. Jeremy gets really upset all the time punching hold in the walls and breaking things and doesn't have a seizure. He likely hasn't been taking his medication correctly which is usually the cause, and the police had already told Jess she was free to leave but she couldn't have me Removed from My House for this. I calmly told the police that we were ending a long, abusive relationship that seems to have everyone involved but it was between Jeremy and me. The officer asked what I wanted them to do with Jeremy who was now awake and refusing the EMT service like always. I said that he obviously shouldn't drive today and that he should go downstairs to his Man Cave and sleep it off and the police loved that, less paperwork etc for them, and they left. I let Jami deal with her sister while I went in the bathroom and added another set of clothing to the bag for you. Yes, I was bitter, yes, I am working on that, but I just didn't need you not even replying to my request for help with all of the Absolute Betrayal I was living on The All Humiliation Network. Jeremy slept it off that night and when he was clear enough to whisper that I was a Fucking Whore the next day , I told him to get out. He broke everything around him and threw Jami on the ground when she tried to stop him. Then my Jess asked if I would be offended if she helped him load his things. I said that if he couldn't carry it he didn't need it and if she really wanted to do it to load her things in there too. ( you aren't the only one pissing off a woman scorned). He left. The feeling of relief was so huge I just cried and thanked God that it Was Over. And, sorry, but when I was thru crying I texted you. No, I don't want to throw you out, I just want to be treated with respect by Someone. I'm so wrecked that if I go into a store and the cashier speaks kindly to me I cry. But I REFUSE to live in bitterness. I will pray and seek help until I am whole again. Yes, he broke me, but I refuse to be destroyed. I am supposed to Be Here.
And yes, I started smoking cigarettes, two packs a day! I've Never done that!! Disgusting, making me puke, but it was self soothing even as it was self destructive. I have my vape again since he left but weirdly my breathing isn't more difficult. Hallelujah. I weighed in at 119 when Jami checked yesterday but I've actually been Hungry now. It shoots straight thru me still but I have food input.
This is a novella. When my last marriage ended (also weirdly 22 years) I lost almost everything so I rented a room and decided I wasn't leaving it until I could walk out with no bitterness. I was in therapy twice a week and it took me Eight Months but I did it. I wrote our story as a comedy and mailed my ex a box of his things that my therapist asked me to burn every time I saw him. The therapist said I was done there and I went to Texas to help my mother who was dying, able to care for and sing to her while she died. She even apologized for the abuse I grew up with. Bonus.
That's the story. I hope you and I can go on. I have loved you as a human and respected the Godly man in you for 15 years. I would like to find that again.
End of messages to my Pain Manager.
I feel asleep and woke to Dr. Gold calling and saw that he had already sent 4 texts begging to speak to me. I got an apology and he sent in enough Morphine to get me out of withdrawal and begged me to please not mail the crap filled clothes 😂 .
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