Wasted Day and Wasted Nights

 I got NOTHING done today.  NOTHING.  

Gabriella in heat

 I've already said it.  She is just amazing❣️ My heart just overflows when I look at her.  I love the warm feeling of her laying next to me.  I LOVE the way she is always so happy to see me❣️ And I am just as happy to see her ❤️. I am so terrified of anything ever happening to her.  She is in heat so we will try again to be her with Nova and I am excited and so very scared that something will go wrong.  She is So Very Tiny!! And got in the world will we sell any of their puppies if she has some?? Nova and Gabby?? They will be the cutest puppies in the world!! We will end up keeping them all!! 

To Do

 My To Do List is SO LONG!! Everything from rebuilding the deck steps to calling/texting Lindsey!! My phone call list alone is very intimidating since I've started Hating making business phone calls.  Actually,  I pretty much hate all phone calls - and that's not exactly new.  I've never liked talking to people when I can't see their face.  Whatever. I HAVE TO call MUD and whoever handles property taxes.  I guess fixing the deck can't really be put off much longer.  That bottom step is going to slide or break and someone is going to get hurt.  I need some yellow caution tape!! and about five people who want to do all of this for me. 

Oh,  Phillip says he is coming this weekend to treat the yard for mosquitoes!! That will make the outside work much less terrible to do! 😃

The Shower

 ...was actually fun.  It was overwhelming because there were So Many people there but I was very happy for Jenise to be having her day.  Philip's family came up from Kansas for it.  His parent,  Jamie,  greeted me with a book of poetry she had written.  I was very happy to be a recipient and when I took the book to put it in the car I read one of them and it was excellently written.  Michelle had planned the silly games that are played at baby showers and I was very pleased to see Kira and Jazz joining in whole heartedly.  They really made me proud at the shower in all ways.  Linda stayed by me again.  This gathering was even a little worse for her because he ex, Al, has married Philip's grandmother since their wedding and her other exes ex wife was also there so we sat off together in the front room with Riley, Jeanette and the girls.  

The best part was how happy Jenise looked.  She really was glowing today! 

I came home sore and exhausted but glad that we went.  

First Baby Shower

 How did I get to be 67 and Never go to a baby shower before??

Rebuild some of the deck

 I've been planning out rebuilding the steps to the deck and replacing some of the 4×4s that are rotting.  I hope it's rot and not termites but we aren't seeing the things that usually indicate termites.  It's all stressful enough without thinking it's termites!! I've measured and remeasured the pieces that I need to cut, terrified to actually start cutting.  I have the wood i need just in scrap wood we've collected but if I mess up too much I will end up having to buy wood that we can't afford.  I just know that Jess loves having the desk so I have to figure out how to make it good. 

I'm having a rough day.  Hands shaking badly,  feel kind of terrible. 

Plan Z, was Plan A

 Whatever.  I'm excited that we might actually finally Do This!! The beginning will still be rough.  I have to come up with about$1300 in car insurance real soon , $800  for MUD. $1300  in property tax if my exemption somehow didn't go thru (Actually I know I mailed the last form in late) (but I thought it would be ok when they said nothing even when taxes were due in July). I can take care of MUD if they let me pay them the money LHEAP paid to OPPD instead of them,  around $350 a month to catch up. Oh,  I still owe $500 foot for years house insurance and that will be due again in April. $2,500 but maybe I should ship around for homeowners insurance.  I just went with Progressive because I already had car insurance through them.  First hurdle will be the auto insurance.  Maybe the first of next month?? But that will leave us without any coverage for about 5 days when the current policy with Root Insurance expires. 

The drawing board

 Ok. Seriously working on how to comfortably move Jeanette in here.  That will save us all.  Should Have been done last year. Instead I tried to give Dave and Jami a break and both are still unable to care for themselves but at least I stopped making Dave our problem.  No Clue why I let that go on so long.  It was not,  as Jami says he claims now, because I needed some kind of emotional tampon after Jeremy left.  I definitely Did Not need anyone with No Income to replace what Jeremy was contributing here for sure!! Yes, I did feel that I needed some kind of protection from the Hatefest towards me for telling Jeremy to leave (again, something he Thanks Me for now) (how are the Haters swallowing that?? I do wonder....)  I begged Dave to start pulling his weight but he just wouldn't/couldn't? or maybe thought I would just support him forever. Anyway,  I had Jami to protect me.  I had outside support from Jeanette and her kids and Jami was all I needed within this house.  Moved her in right away when I saw how the wind was blowing and that's a huge part of why she is Still Here.  I do worry how long I can keep on keeping her like this.  The meth use In The House alone should have put her out by now.  And there is No Discussing the issue because she just denies it even tho everyone can smell it and Everyone she has over is a Meth user. The constant mess - she might have more belongings than anyone else in this house.  I am the only one who might have more but I am throwing things away almost every day now.  I am still,  will always be grateful,  for how she took a stand for me! But that shouldn't mean that I let her walk all over me ever after.  Actual,  if she was Really Standing With Me,  she wouldn't be causing me harm.  

I will give Jeanette Free Reign to fix this household since I evidently don't have the back bone to stand up for myself and the kids here. She will be paying at least half of the bills here - something I have NEVER had!!!! (Well, not since Steve) Who knows?? I might even experience having "spending money" again before I die!!!! 

A Big Fat NO

 Oh crap oh crap oh crap!!!!!

I got turned down!!!!!

I'm out of plans, just going to be flying by the seat of my pants now. Ok. Yea. That's what I've been doing my whole life. Pulling rabbits out of empty hats. I just really thought I bought a back up plan when we bought this house.  Sure, I could sell the house.  I would probably lose my Social Security

Or would I??? 

I'm going to check some things out

Holy shit I was Wrong. I would not lose benefits because I am at full retirement age!! I'm almost positive that is true.  I need to check more things,  like,  I might lose my medicaid benefits and What would that mean to me financially??

Maybe. Maybe I can still find a way to take care of all of us.  

One more fat rabbit from that empty hat.

Foot tapping

 I reapplied for a loan at Metro,  I should know within 48 hours. Even with the house as equity i could be turned down because I have NO credit history, I've bought everything cash since Steve. That $200,000 debt he left me kept me from being able to buy anything on payments for 7 years and then I never wanted to be in that position again so here I am.  With NO credit.  

Jeanette is checking her credit score to see if she can cosign. He credit history is kind of a mess but he income is impressive.  Maybe she can help if I need it???

We have to figure out the car situation here and being a loan is about the only way I can see to do that.  

Possible bank loan??

 Metro emailed me that I need to try applying for a different type of loan there,  that I didn't use the application that uses this house as collateral.  So, Maybe?, we might be saved here. 

30 Days in the Hole

 I doubt that I can pull off a Grays Anatomy and give every episode a song title...

Desperate measures.  I finally decided that my only option here is to take out a loan so I tried today AND I WAS DENIED.  I'm just stunned.  Lost.  Every time I have mentioned it to Jami for the last 3 months she has said not to worry,  that she can fix it,  but then it has been just nothing.  She hasn't even been able to pay her way here. I thought she really had an idea that might work a couple of times.  When she said she was doing that Phrendly thing I actually told everyone that Jami had a solution.  When she said she had valuable things she was selling to pay the MUD bill I actually told everyone Jami had a way to fix it. I don't say anything now.  None of her big plans for Tomorrow have been anything.  I have No One to save us. Except Jeanette. Maybe Jeanette could but Jami and her basement full of stuff blocks that.  Right now. I may have to change that. I've told her to get rid of everything and get ready to have a bed in my room so I can rent Jeanette the basement but, so far, Jami is still bringing more and more stuff in this house and has even had us feeding an extra person again. She'll take 2 cups of coffee down in the morning and extra food down to the basement. She says we need to have a meeting about the thermostat settings saying that costs too much money while she has us housing and feeding her friend Mike.  Always someone bring secretly housed back to having people sneak in and out thru the window of her room like a teenager pulling off shit at the last house. She can't ever be confronted because it's just deny deny deny and gets more ugly that it is worth. Probably intentionally?? I don't know. 

I just know ALL OF THESE GAMES HAVE TO STOP.  AND, moving Jeanette in has become my only option if she will do it. Phillip has mentioned it,  too.  I worry a LOT about combining households with them,  they are still Newlyweds!! but they might need it, too,  but a lot world need to be done to become Baby Ready. I would seal off the living room and make it a little room for them. Might have to do that to give Jeanette decent space,  too. This basement is so trashed!!! The photos of it before we moved in just make me want to cry!!!  At least the space Dave was using is fairly cleared.  I give him credit for that.  Zero for laying down there,  fiddling while Rome burned.

I just asked Jami if she really has a plan to save us.  She said that she alrady told me. I asked her to remind me and she said,  "With my disability!" That ofen has been declared all year.  DHHS says she hasn't even really filled.  She swears she has but I Know that can take years even if she did.   I remember now,  she has been saying that she will get it right away because of her deaf ear,  which could still take as long as any,  and I think she did say something about it not being a viable plan if she doesn't qualify for the cochlear implant.  

I have 1300 car insurance,  1100 MID, 1300 house tax,  and 900 house insurance ALL OVER DUE TO BE CANCELLED ANY DAY. PLUS repairing or replacing Kira's car. House repair and upkeep. And just living expense while I do all of that.  Nova and Gabby desperately need shots and Novs needs groomed. (Must have shots first!) I just had to spend $50 on their flea treatments because Jami forgot to treat her cat when the rest of the animals were treated.  She treated Gregory 2 weeks too late and her fleas came upstairs to the pets up here.  My car tags expired last April and I've needed an oil change for Months and there is an issue with spark plug #2 and probably that ignition coil,  too, things that had needed done for almost a year. Oh, and the van needs a new universal joint before I ruin this new transmission.  These are all things that should have been done YESTERDAY. I told Jami and Dave all of this at the beginning of summer.  Dave gave me $70. Jami buys a few things with her food stamps.  I've asked her to use hers to have pork or something on hand because Jess had to cook a lot of chicken meals - it's the cheapest meat! Jami acts offended when Jess keeps making chicken.  We would love to have beef more!! But even cheap hamburger is now  $5 to $6 a pound!! With Jess getting about $250 and me getting $140 in food stamps I really don't know how we eat all month!! Wait.  Yes I do. I have to spend cash for food at the end of the month.  I know Jami must get about the same as Jess but it never seems like she contributes nearly as much as Jess. Does she still get food stamps?? I have no idea.  I know she has no income. I think she has guys buy her cigarettes sometimes,  maybe give her some money.  Sometimes she says Hupp or Toby pay her for helping them.  But No. She is not going to save us except by making room for me to move in people who can and will pay rent.  

Jeremy and others

 He has been really amazing thru this.  And amazed as anyone that I have survived so far!! He hates the way I live here even more than I do.  He even offered me the spare room at his new place!! Again, Crazy Man. I agreed that I might go for a visit but not to stay. He is good with that.  But he has been just absolutely supportive and,  well, he's been Jeremy.  The guy I met who existed before he was exposed to my family. 

I said that "he hated the way I live here more than I do", but it's not all that terrible.  I've been so acclimated to this family that I really didn't realize that my letter begging Jenise and Phillip to stay sounded more like "run like hell!" until I reread it thru Philip's,  or anyone not acclimated's, eyes.  Or maybe he already didn't notice either. They say they are staying but did also say that they were taking me with them if they decided to move so maybe a little bit of the weird darkness got out. 

Jess does try to take care of me in an impersonal way.  It might even seem sincere if I had amnesia.  If I hadn't seen and heard her choose the despised Jeremy over me.  (not talking about my despising!) It very much feels like she is hanging in there until I die and leave her this house. No, I already gave her the house. But,  big little things.  I'm burning up with fever for days, barely able to walk,  and No One brings me a glass of water.  Both time I was in the ER they said I was dangerously dehydrated, gave me IV fluids.  Yes.  I could have asked that Jess or the girls start bringing me drinks. Like I could have Asked that people help me dig my garden.  Pride goeth before death!! I remember thinking of this household watching me outside digging and sawing wood and building my garden bed.  I HATED thinking that I would have to Ask, even Beg, for help.  Jeanette noticed and she doesn't even live here.  I know she would have been here and helped me but she works,  so instead I saw she was on FB trying to find someone to hire to help me. Yes. That CARING was what I need.  I don't have that.  So I do all of my own work,  usually I really don't mind,  and when I can't get up I lay in bed wasting away. 

And.  I. Keep. Living. 

Whenever anyone questions why I don't stop smoking I almost choke, holding back crazy,  hysterical,  laughter. EXTEND this life by giving up one of the Few Things that give me comfort???? 

But,  no, it's not so bad.  Jeremy and I have made sure that I won't be homeless again.  I'm not really at anyone's mercy.  I could have Home Health Care any time.  (Actually, that can end up being forced on me!! Home nurse visit is tomorrow!!) Before we were able to buy this house,  I fully intended to enter a Rest Home by now and be playing bingo and shuffleboard with my dying peers. But now the family could lose the home I am trying to leave for them if I do that.  And I care about that... well, maybe it's just a habit to care about that.  

I have ways of understanding and even caring about the hate both Jess and Jami have for me.  Years ago I googled parents of drug addicts whose addicted children hated and even blamed them for their addictions. And Holy Crap it is so common it is almost a cliche'! I know a LOT of the things both Jami and Jess say happened to them growing up NEVER happened. Jami swearing that Steve and I threw her out when she was 16, wouldn't let her return home after she was committed to Immanuel for pulling a butcher knife on Steve. We both remember clearly sitting by her bed begging her to just come home.  She "remembers" a Completely Different scenario. She remembers Steve "stealing" her tax return in 2008, maybe 2009?? whichever,  it Never Happened but she would swear on her life that it,  and many other things, did. Steve and I tried to keep teenage Jess from Jami but that just made Jami more determined to sneak off with her whenever she could, all the while filling Jess's head with God knows what.  Then Jess started her own time with addiction. She will swear that I made her lose her section 8 housing even tho I was at her house,  banging on the door, calling her phone, yelling for her to please COME OUT and go to her recertification meeting. This was a meth or bath salt phase? 

But what I learned online was this is Very Common. And that nothing will likely ever change any of these beliefs. They have been repeated to fellow users and to themselves until they are simply the truth to them.  At one time I actually thought that the denial of accusations that involve Steve AND me would be some kind of a double verification of the truths when we both said they were wrong.  No. Not at all.  Trying that almost makes it worse.  Then it's a conspiracy.  Pointing out the insanity of the time,  like Jess trying to turn me in for having an unsafe home because I had "deadly dust mites" in the corners of my home.  She brought a guy, obviously very high on meth, to my house saying that he was a Health Inspector!! to look at my dust bunnies. But pointing out anything like that is just "being hateful" and means Nothing.

Jess is at least off drugs. That's wonderful! yet doesn't help either. She still holds her hated for things She Believes.  For example, how we wanted rid of her so badly that we made her a ward of the state and put her in Foster Care.  She has no memory of repeatedly, dangerously!, running away and saying that living Any Where except with us would be better.  And, when she became the first kid in Foster Care here to run away from her foster care home and Come Home we then fought to keep her. Actually hoped that the worst was over.    That is all a Completely Different story from her.  So much!! So many stories!! Many very sad.  How I thought she was fat so I wouldn't buy any "junk food", causing her eating disorders.   I almost never bought junk food in the years on the farm and for many years after because It Is Junk Food. I didn't even know she blamed me for this one until years later when her sister told me.  She was the Baby Of The Family.  Plus,  she was crippled when she was 4 and deaf to boot. We spoiled her as long as she let us.  The girls all had chores growing up.  It was, again, many years,  before I knew that Jess never did hers,  Jeanette did them for her.  So Jess grew up not knowing how to do anything around the house.  (She's been learning since she took over for Jeremy) (but almost exclusively from Google. She still seems to resent and/or reject learning from me) Her friends and their parents thought we were so terrible to her that one of their mothers actually showed up for her court hearing to become a ward of the state,  condescendingly saying, "I am here to support Jessica". 

Jess was a nightmare teenager. In some ways, more so than Jami.  Definitely harder to understand except that we Always knew that she was Different. Couldn't speak to anyone outside of family to the point that the school kept asking if we were sure her hearing had been repaired. I believe that her drug use started as Self Medicating.  It made her able to talk to people. Maybe even feel more "normal". If anyone that we took her to had ever figured out medications that helped maybe she never would have turned to drugs?? I don't know.  

BANDOs

 I kept trying to remember what creepers call abandoned houses when I was writing about the one that keeps trying to kill me.  It's a bando.  

Home nurse visit soon

So hard to get in and out of my bed!!! It is an acrobatic feat.  It feels like if I bend too far I'm going to break.  My legs get worse with the lack of activity every day.  I'm back to square one with the knee pain.  I twist and turn and push with my arms to get past that breaking point.  I use my arms to roll off the bed but I have to get to the edge just right in order to stand up.  It feels a lot like time to just give up.  

I have a home nurse visit next week.  What will i tell her?? I don't know what I will admit to, or what she will be able to See on her own.  

Worried. 

Bathing

 It has become so hard to bathe!! I am going to make or buy something like Mormon temple garments so I don't have to sit naked when I start actually needing help bathing.  I guess I'm already there,  been there,  but I want my garments or something.  A little dignity.  

I can just die.  I've known that for a while.  All my worry,  How will they take care of themselves?? How well they keep this house?? I'm calling BS on myself there. If i had died in that crash or any time,  every one would survive or they wouldn't.  I didn't own a home most of my life and none of them ever have.  And they survive.  I would have just left it in Jeremy's name if I was sure he'd outlive me and his family wouldn't end up with our house, he didn't want that either!! and there is no guarantee that he will outlive me.  I have hope that Jeanette will step in and save the house.  If not,  well, they will all survive however they are meant to.  

No.  I'm not suicidal.  But I stopped really fighting a long time ago. I've made some effort to live to meet Elliot, and,  barring a new disaster! I believe I will.  

Now.  I've put clean sheets on my bed.  I forgot about having a blanket ready but again,  oh well!!

Tree removal

 Little hand saws from Dollar Tree, a big saw, a right handed circular saw, and a rustly, large, hack saw, mostly the little folding hand saw,  and I dug up and removed 3 trees that were destroying my chain link fence.  

Really stupid

 Day before yesterday I was feeling better.  I told Jami I just couldnt so thinking about the plants outside that house, and reminded her of all the loose bricks there that she wanted, so she agreed to go there with me. There is an area terraced up 3 levels,  built with big flat stones.  I was at the top level,  stuck my pitch fork under a big plant and when it popped up I feel backwards bouncing down each stone level to the ground landing on the to of my head. I don't believe I'm was knocked out.  I remember each level bouncing down like in slow motion that was never going to end but Jami swears I was Out. The worst was that I damaged my "good" hand,  the bad hand got a new bump but my left hand was bleeding at the wrist.  I didn't climb back up there but got a few more at ground level and Jami got a couple and loaded them, and the bricks,  in the van.  I knew today would be the worst pain and it was supposed to rain (of course it didn't!) so I put them all in the ground when we got home.  

I was so right about today!! Everything hurts again!! but not from burning fever,  just from pure stupidity.  I need to drag the hose out and water everything in,  (then it will probably finally rain) and I am out of commission for at least today.  Dr. Gold calls still. I didn't tell him.  I'll tell him when I see him,  especially if some part of me is damaged and needs his help.  

Don't Bring Me Down

 I hereby Kick the Hantivirus ass!! I'm not well, pretty far from it! BUT I AM ALIVE.  I should not be.  

Yes. This life right now is miserable.  I can make it out to my garden but then just sit and watch it dying.  But,  I am not dying.  I might even be here next year to try another garden 😄. 

Jeremy was over the top when he heard.  He actually called instead of texting, funny,  when I can barely talk!! But he was ready to jump in his car and come help. I begged him no.  Then he tried to send money.  Crazy man. I was glad we talked,  I was still unsure if I would survive another day,  and we had things to talk and cry about together.  He is the only one who knows our love story before I decided to return to Nebraska to help my "family". He knew what they were like,  not just from what I told him, but he Saw It when Jami and Jess came for Mom's funeral and didn't say a word to me.  He begged me not to go and then refused to let me go without him and that was really the end of us.  I don't know if I really saved any of them but it almost killed Jeremy.  

No. I don't want him back here.  I want him Happy where he is.  

I can live or die here without him.  Funny,  I told him everyone was helping take care of me (which he did not believe) but really,  except for a few visits from my very pregnant Jenise,  no one has visited.  Even the people who live in my house really don't SEE me.  Maybe I live to spite them all?? No,  I live for the few I really matter to.  Jeanette's amazing children,  and more distantly, my daughters and other grandchildren, including Shyloni. Jenise and Riley alone could keep me alive thru Ebola!!! I believe Robby is in there,  too.  I just don't get to see him much.  

"Don't Bring Me Down" by ELO, my song with Leonae until she died. 

Hantivirus, that's what its called

 I just noticed I never named the demon 

Dr Gold called

 Last night he actually called me after hearing what is going on.  He didn't really offer a lot of hope except his past amazement at me surviving the impossible many times, but his fear was very clear,  too. And his feeling of helplessness. He told me to start drinking lots of citrus and let him do more research.  I think I am feeling better today?? Until I try to Do anything,  like walk around. 

But I am very glad he is involved.  It will be Jeanette or Dr. Gold who find the magic cure.  I 100% believe that. Oh, yea, or I will find it myself.  😀

What they say

 When I saw the doctor we went over everything I had been in there for yesterday,  everything Jenise had explained,  and then I told them about The House.  I ended mentioning that I had looked at my test results online but that the chest exray wasn't there.  He said,  "Yea, I know.  There is a dark spot in your right lung that we need a better look at.  We need to do a radioactive dye test". I told him about my allergy thinking he would blow it off not wanting to go through the extra trouble and time to prep me with steroids but he agreed right away.  He said that the fear was that the dark spot was a blood clot or cancer and either of those would need surgery.  I PULLED THRU AGAIN. The dark spot is neither cancer or a blood clot, although they will have to monitor it to make sure it doesn't turn into cancer.  The bleeding is coming from father up.  He saw spots of pneumonia this time.  About The House. Yes. Something there could have caused this and that something could turn out to be fatal.  It takes 3 weeks to test for it and by then,  if it is going to kill you, you will already be dead.  So it is wait and see.  The antibiotics should help the pneumonia and bronchial infection but may do nothing for the rodent dust. If I am still posting here in 3 weeks I'm probably going to beat that,  too. 

Riley has no symptoms yet but we have to watch for him for 1 week for the symptoms that I have and he needs to be treated for parasites. Both of us do, regardless.  Diatrometris Earth should take care of that. 

I'll see you in 4 weeks.

Back in the ER

I left out a story,  in this journal,  and when speaking to doctors in the ER yesterday.  I hope it doesn't matter,  that I am wrong about what is going on. When I called Dr. Jeffrey tiff morning and told her the story she told me to get back to the ER and tell them this story. 

Friday Jami told me that Mike Knowles was hired to clear out a vacated house and that it was full of good things, maybe even a working electric stove for Jess. (Ours barely works) Riley was over after school and heard us talking and wanted to go with.  We went there and the place was in Much Worse shape than we were lead to believe! We still poked around a while,  mostly just looking at all the crap and the mystery of the house.  It looked like the last occupants had died or something.  There were family photo album's scattered in the rubbish.  A VHS player was hooked up indicating this place has been vacated many years ago. We noticed that our hands were filthy and when we blew out noises black crap came out.  We went to his house and washed up.  I told Riley to shower and wash the clothes he was wearing.

The next day my stomach hurt terrible.  Walking bent over crying terrible.  I adjusted to the pain over the next couple of days and when I slipped on the ramp I joked that at least my head now hurt so badly that I didn't notice the stomach pain. Then I started the vomiting,  in the front yard! and Jenise came over when she heard of me falling twice and hitting my head.  She sat with me in my room for a couple of hours and I thought I was feeling better so she went home.

That night I started running fever,  shivering, freezing. By morning I was hallucinating and couldn't walk without assistance.  Jenise took me to the ER. She had to do most of the talking and told them about the fall and then being sick. I was pretty surprised that they checked the fall and the fever- ERs famously treat the most emergent ailment and send you home.  

But we left out the story of that house.   I don't think I was able to really fit it into the picture until last night after I started coughing up blood. 

When I told Jami about the black stuff in our noses she was horrified.  Said she meant to warn us to wear masks and gloves.  That house has sat vacant for over 15 years.  Mce, rats, raccoons and God knows what else have lived and died there.  There is a dead raccoon in a closet! Also, Jami indicated that she might not have been truthful about Mike being hired to clean that house out. She said that there are vacated homes all over the place that people help themselves to.  I went back there with Jami wearing masks and gloves and saw that she was really scared of anyone seeing us there.  That was my first clue.  I'm horrified that I not only possibly exposed Riley to deadly diseases,  I had him trespassing with me while he is on probation for trespassing!!! The fact that I was trespassing is very minor in comparison to everything else. 

So, I'm waiting in the ER. I looked at the possible things that being in that house could have done to us and Phillip, who is an exterminator,  knew even more than I had found about it.  

This one might kill me.  But that has been said So Many times that it would be hard to believe.  Dr. Gold has told me "This is it" twice and other doctors have told me to "make my arrangements" at least three times. 

Coughing up blood is a little bit scary.  I saw the admitting receptionist start rushing my admission as soon as I disclosed that.  

Not Good.

Maybe this is it

 I'm coughing up blood.

Deathly ill?

 I don't think I have ever been sick quite like this before.  Once on the farm,  I had Bells Palsy so I didn't feel the pain when I got pharynhitis. I had a 105 degree fever and terrible vertigo before I knew that I was sick. It looked like everything was just flying around my room,  not in circles around me but just a chaos of movement.  This morning was maybe a little less frightening than that but still terrifying.  I was awake most of the night shivering and freezing,  but I was too weak to get up and even grab my coat hanging on my bedroom door.  I piled my pillows on top of me and shivered under them for hours.  By morning I realized that I needed to take Tylenol and bring the fever down but I kept dropping the pills.  I would see them land on my bed but when I tried to pick them up they would just vanish.  I tried to find my phone and call for help and I would see my phone in different places but every time I reached for it it would disappear.  I realized that I was hallucinating but knowing that didn't help.  I got out of bed to go get help but fell down over and over trying to get to my door.  I did get out of my room at some point and told Jess and/or Kira that I was sick.  I understood that I should go to an ER but argued.  I couldn't drive.  Kira had to go to work around noon. I was still freezing and unsure of everything around me. Kira called Jenise who came and took me to Immanuel.  They probably saved my life. I was so dehydrated from the fever that my blood pressure barely registered and my oxygen was dropping below 80%. I thought that they wouldn't look at the whole picture,  the fall,  possible head injury,  that could cause all of my symptoms except the fever, the possibility that several things were going on with me,  but they listened to Jenise and checked everything.  No brain bleed, just very ill. They suspect it started with a virus but was now a bacterial bronchitis headed for pneumonia.  It was a long wait.  I felt bad for Jenise,  8 1/2 months pregnant! having to sit with me all day.  Then I had another First. I fell asleep while taking to Jenise.  Several times. Passed out, fell asleep, just kept checking out.  Poor Jenise didn't know what to think!!

They let me come home with prescriptions BUT it is labor day and the pharmacies are closed,  of course.  I'm a little afraid to go to sleep tonight but I am prepared this time.  I'm taking tylenol to control the fever and have my big coat on the bed in case I wake up freezing again.  I was hydrated thru an IV at the hospital and I'm making sure to keep drinking.  

I have to survive to meet Elliot. ❤️