Four Days After Surgery

Better but still a pain in the eye. I'll be super glad when the healing is over.
Still no word from or about Jami. I hope she is doing well in there. I took a bunch of groceries up there for her when she got there but won't know if she needs more until I can have some contact with her. I think I took two weeks worth but she likely was very hungry. they provide one meal day at FW and expect them to have food stamps in place for the rest. Not sure if Jami has that yet although I know she applied. Cheri will be here today for Kirk's visit so maybe she will know something.
I accidentally stabbed myself in the finger yesterday to the bone. I was stupidly using a knife to try to open a sinus spray, I would have yelled at Jeremy for using a knife in that way! and am paying for it. It hurts like hell!!!!!
I picked up Jessalynn and Jaz last night. I've missed Jessalynn terribly while she was in OK with her father!!! I think she missed me, too, since she called me to come get her. And of course I couldn't get just her or Jaz would have had a fit and we love having both of them. Kira does, too. She gets bored without Jaz and then she is harder to take care of!!!! They are soooo sweet!!!!! I love how they cuddle the most. Jaz hangs on fr dear life and Kira just snuggles down in my lap rubbing her little face on me. I need to get Riley over her as soon as I am a little better. He is starting to love being with Grandma, too, and is a real sweetie himself. He looks soooo much like Robby did!!!
All for now. Trouble makers go to hell!!!!! You know who you are!!!!!
See you all later!!!!

Day After Surgery

It is finally over!!! I had my eye surgery yesterday morning. Waking up after was as bad as I expect and so was having to ride home with Jeremy driving after, but today it feels better than I dared hope it would. I still need a little percocet but I expect Iwon't need it beyond this weekend if that long. And I already don't see double anymore, even with the swelling the eye is open more.
The doctor called after I got home and said that he had cut himself working on my eye and that we both had to have bloodwork done right away. I went back to the hospital for it and he got the results right away, must be a perk of being a doctor because I have to wait days to get bloodwork results!! We are both disease free.
Jami checked into Family Works Monday. Right away they moved her to Campus for Hope for drug detox but she was returned to FW after three days there.
Oh, a note for someone who tried to stir up trouble over this blog between Jami and me. Your ignorance of the best things for Jami has always caused more harm than good and you will never get what you hope for from your useless interference.
Wow, I worded that much nicer than I thought I could.
Now time to sit around and heal.
See you all later!

Long Week

Summer school started Tuesday. I also took the babies and myself to the doctor. We all have bronchitis and a few ear infections, got antibiotics, getting better. Jaz had to be nebulized pretty often at first but is better now, only have to treat her a few times a day.
I got the kids to school late most days this week. I still feel pretty rough and am worried because I have to pass a physical Monday to be able to have my surgery next Friday. I got the paper work in the mail about the eye surgery, wish I hadn't read about it, it sounds like it is going to be horrible, but I'm this close, I am doing it if I pass that physical.
My family is running me ragged. I don't know how to protect myself from it but maybe I need to learn.

We're sick!!!

The babies and I are sick and I am afraid Jeremy and Jessalynn will come down with it, too. Kirk was coming down with something nasty at his last visit and we haven't been around anyone else sick that I know of. My head was spinning when I got up and I would fall if I turned my head too fast. Sore throat, yucky all over bug. I wanted to stay home but Jeanette called and reminded me it was the day to enroll Robby in pre-K so I drug myself out and went and got them. We went to the TAC building, I had called them earlier and they told me we didn't have to have Robby's birth certificate to enroll him, but when we got there they said that he wouldn't be placed in a class until we brought it so we rushed downtown and got it and then to his doctor for his shot records and back to the TAC building and three hours later it was done. I stopped at the store for milk and supper and came home in time for Jeremy to leave for work. He is normally off on Thursdays but is working tonight so he can be off for Robby's birthday party Saturday.
Jaz is already having trouble breathing, have to nebulize her every two hours, sure hope to not have to take her to the hospital this time!!
Kirk got a phone which will help him stay in touch with CPS and me. He said that Jami missed court this morning and then missed a bus she was supposed to be taking to see Carrie in Minnesota today. He sounds a little better, less confused and heartbroken, but I know he is still hoping to work things out with Jami somehow.
Yesterday little Michael, two doors down, puked in their dining room and Donetta is one of those people who absolutely can't take the smell of puke so I went and steam cleaned it with Odoban for them. She was so grateful I felt like a fraud taking all her thanks, it wasn't a big deal for me, sure am used to kids puking!!!!!

My Jeremy

I am very, very, worried about Jeremy. His shoulder is getting to be unbearably painful and his "doctor" at the Native American clinic won't give him anything for pain, not even cortizone shots which might help. Also his back has been hurting him a lot, I do all of the household chores these days, but I don't know how much longer he is going to be able to keep his job like this. I want him to at lest tell them he needs to work at the counter instead of back in the kitchen but he hasn't yet. I talked to him today about maybe getting a house and opening a home day care instead of him working at Popeyes and he looked like he might think ab out that if I could set it up. I am hoping to move to a house soon anyhow. We need a bigger place with a fenced yard for the kids. I think I could get out of the lease here if we can find a house and get the money together to move, deposits, utility transfers, etc.Also, Jeremy is having bad seizures even when he takes his medication. I have to find a way to get him an appointment we can make it to at the Winnebago Hospital where he can see a neurologist for his seizures. We would likely have to make that an overnight trip which is going to cost us, too, but I will find a way to do all of these things.
I will.

US

Caring for you
is selfish
caring for myself
because our souls are linked
though they belong
to someone else.
I breathe for us
and to hold my breath
would only quicken
to happen again
our earthly death.
My heart is not golden
my generosity a scam
I say
Are you OK?
just to see if I AM.

Kira in the Morning

After I take Jessalynn to school Kira is usually the first one to wake up. I go and get her out of her bed at the first whimper and carry her to the couch and sit with her in my lap while she wakes up. She snuggles warm against my chest rubbing her little face against me and I smell the sweet softness of her still so tiny for a 16 month old. After a little while she will look up at me with those big shiny blue eyes and reach up and give me a sloppy kiss to let me know she is ready for our morning games. She likes to turn my head away from her and then I snap my face back towards her and we both say Boo! and giggle. Then she grabs both of my hands and puts them to cover my face and Peek-a-boo starts for a while. Then we play all of our lap time games. She likes to make me make funny noises while she touches my lips and we work on learning the parts of our faces and I get lots of giggles and kisses. Out morning time is usually about thirty minutes and I try to engrave every minute on my heart like I did with all my girls and now all my grandchildren. This morning time together is our favorite time together.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day started with a text from Jami. I had all six kids here so it wasn't much of a break for me or anything but it was kind of nice. Jeremy came home early from work and brought me a Subway and took over the kids so I could take a nap. Jeanette came and got her kids while I was napping and left a bouquet or flowers by me on the bed. I got the most beautiful and mushy card from Jess, I love it! and she sent Jessalynn a card from Padukah, too. Jeremy cooked a steak dinner for supper and I went back to bed stuffed and had the best sleep I have had in ages. Sleep , food, and child care, Jeremy couldn't have done better for me!!!!!

Sick Babies!!!!!!

Jessalynn has been sick since Nett's kids were here and then Kira cried from midnight to 4 am and Jess says Jaz did the same. Their tummies hurt them and now they have the snottiest noses on top of that. jess brought me Jaz today because she is desperate not to get sick, I already have it, and also Jaz is the only one running a hight fever and will likely end up in the ER as usual. Kira at least was playing and smiling today, Jaz is just miserable.
The good news is that I finally found a double stroller on Craig's List for $50. and I already went and got it before someone else did. It is really nice and should make life a little easier with the babies. I should have a triple for when Riley is with us but I couldn't find one of those. But I mostly have the two.

Sick Babies!!!!!!

Jessalynn has been sick since Nett's kids were here and then Kira cried from midnight to 4 am and Jess says Jaz did the same. Their tummies hurt them and now they have the snottiest noses on top of that. jess brought me Jaz today because she is desperate not to get sick, I already have it, and also Jaz is the only one running a hight fever and will likely end up in the ER as usual. Kira at least was playing and smiling today, Jaz is just miserable.
The good news is that I finally found a double stroller on Craig's List for $50. and I already went and got it before someone else did. It is really nice and should make life a little easier with the babies. I should have a triple for when Riley is with us but I couldn't find one of those. But I mostly have the two.

Jeremy and Rhoda Go OUT!

OK, yea, we took two babies with us but we went out to eat for the first time in at least a year!!! We took Kira and Jaz to the Olive Garden and had a really good time. The babies were really good for their first restaurant experience. They made quite a mess but there was no crying or anything but fun with them. We ate too much and the babies left a lot of noodles under the table, we left a big tip for that! Jaz stabbed her breadstick with a crayon and ate it off the crayon. Kira ate her crayon. It felt really good to get out like that.
We also stopped by the liquidation place Jess is working at. I bought some piercing earrings and we looked everything over. They are going to stay another week and we will probably go back and buy a new stereo for the van, ours gave out last week.
Jess gave me a pair of silver spider earrings and a COACH purse last night. She seems to be much much happier working and she is doing very well there. She was promoted already and is getting into her job. It makes me happy to see her happy. :)
Jessalynn went home last night and Jaz today so it is just Kira with us again for a while. She loves having Jaz here but she likes this 1 on 1 time a lot, too, and so do I. I think it is good for us.
Kira's social worker, Linda, stopped by to visit today. She's really a sweet woman and she is happy with Kira's life here.
All.

Saturday Robby Sick

No Robby and Jenise today. Robby has been sick for several days, vomiting and just feeling terrible. So it is just jessalynn and the babies today.
A man called me yesterday asking if I could watch Jess's kids while he took her to work for him in Kentucky. Jess is working for him here right now for $100. a day cooking lunches but he wants her to be his front person, not sure what the business is exactly but Jess says quite a few people travel with him working. I'll have to find out more. Jess isn't sure she wants to do it, this trip would be for 2 weeks and then he wants her to work for him in the fall, too. I don't have a problem watching the kids but I want to check the guy out a little.
Gene called yesterday. Talk about surreal! He doesn't sound the same at all, of course. He says he has thought about me often through the years, surprising since we didn't see each other much at all when we were kids and I doubt he even knew I had puppy love for him. He is going to send me pics of him through the years so I can grow him up in my head. Jeremy is OK with me talking to Gene. I have started searching for Bobby Montfort. I think he deserves whatever dirty trick I can think up for telling me Gene was dead.
The babies are all growing up too fast and I think these could be my last grandchildren unless Jess has another. Kira has learned how to climb out of her crib and playpen although I have never seen her do it and don't know how she does it but I have put her to bed several times only to have her walk into the living room smiling or woke up with her in our bed.
Yesterday Jeremy got up and said he had a bad dream about me losing all memory of him and then dying and he started crying telling me. I'm always surprised at how much he loves me.
Jim says he talked to Jami at Sandy's but I have heard nothing from her.
All.
PS Mikey is a punk.

Zoo with Jessalynn's class

Jeremy, Kira, Jaz and I met Jessalynn's class at the zoo for a field trip today. We met at the Treetop Restaurant at 11 and the class was split into groups between the volunteer parents and we had until 1 to explore the zoo. We only had two girls besides Jessalynn and we went to see the alligators first, the the gorillas, and then it is a bit of a blur of pain. I should have volunteered for a sit down field trip!!! Thank goodness Jeremy came!!! We signed Jessalynn out of class and stayed at the zoo for a couple of hours after the class left. We rode the tram, the train and Skyfari were closed, and we went and saw the elephants and a few other things before I couldn't go any more and we came home. I offered to wait in the van with the babies napping until Jeremy and Jessalynn were done but they were tired, too.
Kira didn't notice much yet except in the Petting Zoo where the goats swarmed their double stroller and both babies pet them and loved it. Jaz surprised me by being more aware of the animals, even the ones behind glass. She was a little scared of the big gorilla that was right by the thick glass but seemed to figure out that they couldn't get to her.
It would have been better if I could have been getting around better. Maybe we should go more often and I would get stronger and last longer although I'm not sure if being stronger is the problem. I am just too beat up. That's as much as I will admit.
We took Jessalynn home and ran a couple of errands for Jess and came home like two old folks, I ache all over and Jeremy had a huge headache when we got here but some Ibuprophen seems to be helping him. I took three of my pain pills, too, and feel a little better but they don't do much for the pain in my poor feet. Gotta get them fixed when I get through with some of the other repairs.
Been talking to Mikey on Facebook. Haven't heard anything from him in so long I was getting worried that there was something wrong but he is the same aging punk as always.
Hope he still peeks in here once in a while!!
All.

Frantic!!!

I don't know what to do about Jami. I am getting frantic calls about her that are all bad. I talked to someone she has known most of her life who didn't recognize her when he ran into her the other day. Said she is skin and bones. Another person sys her face is one big scab from doing meth and picking at the zits. I hear the man she is with has been charged with rape before, is being hunted by the Mexicans on south O, uses both opiates and meth, and I know he has a warrant in Sarpy County for Possession of a Controlled Substance. Her bondsman is calling and actively searching for her and I hear that it will be the saving of her if they find her and lock her up where she will be somewhat safe. She is throwing what life she has left away and there is nothing I can do to save her but pray. I hear she has been up for weeks and is picking fights with people she "has no business" starting fights with. Everyone who cares bout her is terrified for her and they are all the people she is badmouthing and doing wrong. Her father is scared for her life and all she does is talk shit about him being "against" her. She blames me for her not going to court and says I kept the court date from her so she would lose Kira, like I would have to do anything to cause that, she is doing it all by herself, but it gives her her reason to not talk to me... How to save her from herself???
The bondsman. He has to find her for us. Fast.

It is really spring!

It is so nice out I am wanting to get out of the city. I would love to make a trip to the farm but second choice would be to go to one of the lakes close to here.
I took Jaz off of the bottle a few days ago. She was harder to get off it than Kira, maybe because we waited too long with her although I don't think she would have been very easy anytime. She loves her ba ba!!! I am keeping her until she is through the worst of it, maybe she is now, but I still rock her to sleep.
Kira and Jaz give each other kisses, too cute!!! Jaz said her own name today in a sentence, "Jaz poopie"!! I blew bubbles for them today and they both can say "bubbles".
I've been seeing the pee doctor again for infusions. Not much fun but I let things get pretty bad.
I finally heard from Jami today but I don't know how much to believe of what all she says. Nothing she says matches up with anything else I hear almost all of the time. She says she has been off drugs for ten days and is through the withdrawals, she says Breezy went nuts and accused her of sleeping with her man, (She called Jess from said man's phone a couple of days ago), and more, can't remember all of it. Her bondsman called me today looking for her and I told her that and she said she is going to go to open court tomorrow morning and take care of it. One thing she said is the same as what all I hear about, she says there are people who want to hurt her and that she is afraid of getting jumped. She says she is still planing to fight for Kira and that she wants to make sure that Kirk doesn't get her. I asked her if I could get Kirk's wallet for him so he can start work release and she said not until he talks to her. I reminded her that no one has been able to find her to talk to her for a week and she got a little shady denying that. Then she did say a minute later that no one has known where she has been staying. I didn't make any comment to most of what she said, I just don't have anything to say when she talks about all the things she is going to do because she usually doesn't do any of them and then blames everyone else and I just don't want to get involved in it or believe it until I see it. I don't know how many times she has told me that she was done with drugs and already through her withdrawals. I don't think it has ever been true unless she was going to the Methadone clinic regularly, which is still doing drugs, and she wasn't drug free for much of the time that she did go to the clinic. She says still, although not to me again, that it is my fault that she missed court in Iowa. I do remember her public defender calling me once and wanting to know if I knew about Jami's next court date and I told her that I knew nothing about her charges in Iowa but that I had just talked to Jami and would tell her to call her and I did right away. Jami just said OK and I assumed she would call her. Guess she didn't or forgot what she was told if she did.
Jeremy is working about 50 hours a week lately. We don't see a lot of each other but I guess it is good that he is making some money now. We both have a little money in the bank right now and it feels pretty good. If Jess could get on her feet I would have more but she is working at the mall again and maybe someday Patrick will start paying child support like he is supposed to. We have been hearing that his boss is taking the money out of his checks but not giving it to Child Support and that Pat is too scared of losing his job to say anything even though it is costing him in interest building up and costing Jessalynn having everything she needs and costing me to make up for him not paying all of the time but it gets to sounding like bullshit after a while. I hate to think Patrick is such a pussy he would let someone rip off him, not to mention Jessalynn, month after month for this long. Sorry Patrick, but either you are a pussy or you are lying.
All for now.

By By Long Hair!!!!

I finally did it. Mom would be so happy. I had my hair cut shaggy and layered shoulder length this morning. It isn't exactly what I wanted but it will do for now. I don't know anyone's opinion on it yet, Jeremy saw but he wouldn't say if it was terrible, but I feel better and that is what I was after.
Jami was a no call no show today. I tried to call her cell but kept getting a recording saying she was out of area of the phone was turned off. I wish I could understand what is going on with her. Besides the obvious that she is blowing a smoke screen of lies to cover up something. She called yesterday and said that a warrant had gone out for her because her lawyer had told me about her having a court date in CB and that I didn't tell her so she missed it. I knew that wasn't true, my memory is slipping a little but not that bad! She went on talking about not knowing that she missed court last week until I said, Wait a minute. Kirk told me that you missed your court date last week, the next day. How did he know and you didn't?? She seemed confused and didn't say anything else about it. Them Kirk called last night and said that Jami told him that her lawyer called me and told me that she would be arrested if she didn't turn herself in last night. Again, I would have remembered that! and i told Kirk about her call to me. Jami has always been a little honesty challenged but this lately is just really crazy. Kirk hopes that it all is about her not having her medication but I think there is more than that. She has been without it for longer many times and not gone off the deep end like this. Drugs and men cause her to act like this. Ithink Kirk must have heard something about Joey because he made the comment that he wouldn't care what else she might have done since he has been in jail if she would just stop and start trying to get Kira back. Kirk said she spoke as though she has given up on ever getting Kira back. I want to yell, But you didn't try yet!!! But i just don't understand the hold addiction has on her. Never have although I try. I can't imagine anything I wouldn't give up to keep one of my own with me, even my own life easily. But there are many, many women who make the same decision to do drugs. And being an addict isn't the biggest stumbling block to her ability to take care of a baby. It is the way she lives. This living in a half world, an underworld, blind to the people and years passing her by while she is down there . I just hope she isn't thinking it will all be here waiting for her if she does decide to return to us. Her children will be grown and I could be dead by then and she would go back down and never come back. Or maybe she is already gone forever. We all had some hope while she was pregnant and going to the methadone clinic regularly but there was that time I heard her say that she would be happy to be able to do some meth on the weekends once in a while after she had her baby. All the warning bells went off. The other day Jeanette said that she was grateful for Jami's last pregnancy because it let her have a chance to be with the real Jami for a little while. That made me feel so sad and realize again how Jami's addiction causes everyone who loves her pain.
Wednesdays go better for me since I don't pick up the girls from school. I can let Jeremy take the van to work and go to bed early and not have to or be able to run all over the place.
I had my infusion at Dr. Felony's office today. It was painful but if I remember right it gets easier. I am supposed to go for one every week for six weeks and start physical therapy.
I have to look up Jess's child support for her now.

Another One

Up too early again. Jeremy woke in one of his soaking sweats around four and I have been up since but I did go to sleep earlier than usual last night. I don't know what to do for Jeremy. I think there is something wrong but I don't think Fred Leroy can help him much more. It is great that they do the things they do for Native Americans but they are limited.
I looked up what is wrong with Jeanette. She has Uterine Prolapse, likely from Riley's rough delivery. Again, I am having a hard time getting help for her without her having insurance or qualifying for medicaid but we will get this taken care of. .
Should be an easier day for me. No kid pick up after school because it is Girl Scout day. It is hard with Jeremy working so much now but we do need the money so there isn't much to do about that right now.

Tuesday Morning

Another sleepless night, I think from the Prednisone I have been taking but I am done with it, just have to get it out of my system.
Jeremy got a nice paycheck yesterday that should help us get a few things done that have been put off. Like pay the electric!! And maybe I can get Kira some summer clothes.
Jami has done a flip. She is talking about starting to dress and act like a 33 year old woman, whatever that is going to mean if anything long term. She has the best ideas sometimes but just can't carry through very often. I always hope to some degree but I have become a little jaded with it and have a I'll wait and see attitude. So, maybe. It has been four months since Kira was made a ward of the state.
It is funny how hard it hit me that Gene is alive. It doesn't really matter in my life right now, but it is a grief I suffered so young and there has always been this sorrow in me that I know now didn't need to be there. I would very likely have never have seen him again after his family moved to California. I wouldn't have forgotten him, he was the first guy I actually liked, but I keep thinking if my world would have been different without carrying that grief all these years. I am sick at the cruel joke of being told Gene was dead. I am glad he is alive but it would have been really nice to have never have thought him dead.
Dr. Felony for me today and Fred Leroy clinic for Jeremy today, hopefully they will help him with that torn rotary cuff or whatever is hurting his shoulder so badly.
Off to start the day but I sure hope I find a nap today!

6 Kids Overnight!!!

Three big kids, if 8 and under is big, three babies, 15 to 18 months!!! What a houseful!!
Lesson 1: If you decide to make six kids root beer floats in a blender put the lid on before turning on the blender!
Not too old to learn new things.
I don't hear much from Jami. Very worried about her state of mind. She is very paranoid and angry. She keeps getting angry at Jim saying everything is his fault and making wild accusations against him and I guess me, too, since I was included in yesterday's. She told Jim that Jess told her that he came over here and the he and I went outside and had a long talk about keeping Kira from her. Never happened, don't remember when Jim was last here. Then last night she did something like have reezy talk to Jim on the phone with her listening, and the day before I got a call from her friend, Chad, out of the blue asking what I knew about her and I don't think he could have had my number unless Jami gave it to him to call. The sad thing is how out of focus all of these games are. None of it has anything to do with her getting Kira back. Making it to all of her visits and court appearances, getting off drugs, going to the methadone clinic, those are the things she needs to be worried about instead of playing these intrigue games. I don't know what she is really thinking at all. She got offended that I knew about Joey and denied everything which didn't bother me a bit and I let her know it didn't really matter to me, only commenting Yea, your father told me that you were done with Joey. Smoke screens, that's what it seems like she is doing. Making a facade of BS to not say whatever is really going on with her. Or maybe she is just that out of it. I know she has been out of psych meds for a while and she may be too far gone with that to do the things she needs to do to get them now. It is all sad and I have no clue what if anything to do for her especially since she isn't really talking to me.
Enough of that.
The first boy I had a real thing for when I was maybe 13 or 14 was named Gene. His family moved to California and when I went to ask one of his friends, Bobby Shitheads, if he had heard from him he told me that Gene had been killed in a car accident going to California. I went into a deep mourning and then started searching for information on what happened. I've been looking for Gene ever since any way I knew how. When I got Internet years ago I started doing people searches and got nothing but I also couldn't find him in the deceased on the Social Security site so I kept looking. Then I put a search in Facebook and lo and behold Gene is alive and well. Emailing him is unreal and I know it is really him from the things he knows. Some part of me just knew I would find him alive someday but I never thought it would take almost forty years!!!
That's all folks!

Well I'm Stumped

I don't know what is going on with Jami. She has missed her visits this week and I haven't talked to her. I have tried to call her a few times and got no answer and she left me a message last night saying she would be here for her visit today but no call no show again. I'm hearing terrible things about her and have no clue what she is planning or if she is even able to plan anything. Kirk going to jail has just been really bad news. I hear from people in CB that she has been seeing, some say going with, Joey Torez, which is down right frightening, and Kirk says she won't hardly take his calls and when she does she tells him that she wishes they hadn't had Kira, that everything is his fault, and that she now has a warrant in CB for not going to court on her old possession of methamphetamines charge. I don't know if she is going to the methadone clinic, Kirk doesn't think she will be showing up for drug court on Tuesdays because of the new warrant, and it looks like she is just headed for trouble. I have also heard that Joey's wife is out to kill her, not too surprising, but nothing sounds good. It is hrd to think she is hanging with people like Joey and Mike Watson. One of her friends called me today asking about her but I got a feeling that he might have been trying to find out how much I know, maybe Jami asked him to call. I didn't say a lot but I did say I knew about Joey. He acted like he didn't know anything about it but then later in the conversation said something that made me think he did. Whatever. I don't like these games.
I went to the ER 'cause I couldn't sleep with wheezing so loud and I have pneumonia. They gave me antibiotics and steroids and I already feel better. I've been getting sicker and sicker for a while, I got to where I forgot what it felt like to not be sick but I decided to find out. Much better.
Jessalynn is spending the night with Nett and I have Kira and Jaz here. They are so fun and soooo much work to keep up with!!!
I have been on Jess to get her act together better and she is trying even though I didn't think she would while I was trying to talk to her. I swear it was just like trying to talk to her when she was fifteen, rolling her eyes, making faces, and blaming me for everything. That hurt. She was the most trouble as a teenager, even more than Jami, and I put more into saving her from herself than any of them and this is what I get now. I tried not to show too much how much she hurt me but to talk to her I was the worst mother in the world and she was the mistreated angel. I tried everything for and with her.

Jeanette finally got to see a doctor and got her ultrasound done of the lump in her breast. It turned out to be fine but during the physical something almost just as bad came up. Her uterus is falling out of her body and they say she has to have a hysterectomy and that the condition is very serious. The problem now is no insurance and she is trying to figure out how to qualify for Medicaid. I think she should have Rob move to his mother's and then she would easily qualify. She had better do that if we don't think of anything else. They also thought her thyroid was enlarged but say the TSH test ws normal but we will have to be on the look out for taht ,too, with me having Grave's Disease.
Wow. Dont I have anything cheerful to write???
The spring weather is beautiful. I hope to be well enough to have all of the kids over tomorrow and do something outside with them even if it is just a picnic out back. I am feeling much better. I said that, didn't I?
Now that's bad when you have to talk about the weather to say something pleasant.

Easter and HAPPY BIRTHDAY lINDSEY

It is Easter morning. I have Kira, Jessalynn, Jaz, Jenise and Robby and have to get them ready to go to Nett's for their egg hunt and then the rest of the holiday things we do and I have a headache and was up until four this morning!!! Gotta put on the happy face and get this done right.
Ooops. I put hair dye in the kid's hair and it got all over them especially on their faces and we can't get it off!!!! Nett and Jess are going to kill me!!!! I don't remember having such a mess when my girls did this when they were little. AND it is getting all over their Easter clothes, too!!!
I am also sad that it is Lindsey's birthday and I am not allowed to talk to or communicate with her in any way according to John's rule.
That is just wrong.
Jeremy has to work today and is sad to miss Easter with the kids. He is working way too much. He is in constant pain from the torn rotary cuff and from the wreck and I am afraid he is going to work until he just can't move even with the medicine.
Happy Easter!

Keeping the kids another day

It's just fun having them all here and no one is asking to go home. It's not as nice of a day today, cloudy and spitting a bit, but I let them out in coats to run off some steam. Also, I developed a migraine after I decided to keep them so I need a bit here to get rid of it.
I'm going to repay Cheri for the sushi by making her some of my famous tempura next week on one of the visits. I haven't made it for a loooong time, not the best food for me with the cholesterol problem, but this is a good excuse.
I don't feel bad about doubting John's motives since telling Beaver and hearing how much he thinks it stinks.
Jami came for her visit today, back to her methadone self, which is much better that her meth self. She's a bit sheepish about her behavior Saturday and is back to swearing it is the last time so hopefully we won't see that for a while.
All.

tuesday still have the kids

It is a beautiful day here. Jessalynn, Jenise, and Robby are out front drawing on the sidewalks with sidewalk chalk, the babies are playing together, and I am baking cookies that smell great.
Cheri texted me that she had a surprise for me and she got here at 2 with sushi, salad with carrot dressing, and fried ice cream!!! The best surprise I have had in a long time and delicious, too. Jami didn't call or show today so Cheri left after her required 15 minute wait.
A couple of people have called looking for Jami today. Jim called and talked to her briefly at Sandy's and I guess it wasn't very pleasant so I think he hung up on her but I know where she is.
I got an email from John Perton today pretty much saying none of us would get any news or pictures of Lindsey ever again unless she makes contact after she is 18. I understand him wanting to keep her away from Jami but I wonder about him cutting her off from so much family that love her and that she loves. This included Mikey and his girls, too, so Lindsey has three sisters she will not even know when she is 18. I wish I could think that John is doing this totally for what he believes is Lindsey's own good but I can't stop thinking that it is his own prejudices and dislike of me and maybe others here making him do this. I know I always kept my kids as close to family as I could thinking that if anything ever happened to everyone they knew around them that they would know they had people who loved them in other places that they could turn to.
Then on the flip side I often think Mikey might be making a mistake keeping Jami so in the minds of Joey and Michelle. They love their mommy so much through him, even Michelle who doesn't even know her, has never lived with her, but they talk of missing their mother all of the time not knowing the world Jami lives in that has no room for them. I have to explain drug addiction to Jessalynn when Jami does things like make promises that she forgets or acts differently because she is high and Joey is the same age so I'm sure he has questions about it, too.
Jess is pulling up. Gotta go.

Here we go again

Jami showed up for her visit yesterday flying on Meth. I was worried because I hadn't heard from her since Kirk went to jail so I called Sandy and she hadn't seen her either. I made a few calls and when I called her friend Jeremy he said she had called him around midnight Friday saying she would meet him at some party later, that she wasn't in Council Bluffs. Mike Watson brought her for her visit and that is where she has been staying since Thursday. When she got here I could tell right away she was on Meth and she asked to talk to me. She said that Jim had told her that me getting Kira was something he and I planned. I asked how we could plan for Kira to get burned and she said, Look, I'm trying not to get mad at you looking at me with crazy pinpoint pupil eyes. I told her that I had asked Jim and Teresa if they thought that she and Kirk were able to take care of Kira a long time ago and they said No and that they were right, they weren't taking proper care of her since she was born. Cheri got her shortly later and asked if Jami had gone to the methadone clinic that morning and she said yes and Cheri commented that she seemed much more alert than usual for being on Methadone so Cheri knew, too. then Jami took me aside again and said that she had been staying with Mike because people were calling about drugs and that Kirk had secretly been dealing drugs "behind her back" like he could do anything behind her back. She is in "trash Kirk" mode since he is out of the picture for now. Actually, she is very scary in general now. I was in the kitchen and looked out the patio door and saw she had Kira out there with just a blanket draped around her legs and it was in the thirties. Jessalynn opened the door and told her to bring Kira in for me and Jami came in saying she didn't think Kira was cold out there. Then she insisted on changing Kira into pants and a shirt saying she was dressed too warm in the house even though I explained that it is cold on the floors in the apartment. Kira took off the clothes like she does unless it is jammies with feet or a onesie she is wearing so Jami put her PJ's back on. It was all just crazy and she has no clue how crazy she appears to everyone else like she didn't seem to know how messed up she has been acting on all the Methadone she is getting. I don't know what is going to happen. She talked about getting Kira in a week through family services but I know that won't be happening, thank God. Cheri thinks that Jami is happier being a part time mother like things are now, that she doesn't have it in her to be a full time mom and Jami seems to be clueless about what any of them really think. She also makes comments about how she thinks I would have a hard time giving Kira up. I tell her I would be glad to give her to them if I knew they would be able to take care of her. She seems to be getting back into the thinking I thought she had outgrown like she was when I had Lindsey. And it is all sooo crazy like I thought I would like to raise more kids after mine grew up!! Of course I will, any of my grandchildren will always have a home with me if they need one, but it is the hope that their parents will raise them and I will just be grandma. Jami thinks that Jess is in the same or worse shape as her as a parent and that seems to make her feel better and I don't correct her but that is soo far off base. Jess is a good mother even though I help her a lot. She buys food for the kids with her food stamps instead of selling them and makes sure they have a nice home to live in. Yea, she uses section 8 but she keeps up with all it entails and her bills to keep her children. Jami just doesn't see the difference. It is all so sad for Jami and for Kira but it is getting even sadder for Kirk. He is the dirty dog according to Jami now and will be blamed for everything that has happened although that will be unimportant compared to how Jami does without him. in the future. Jeremy and Beaver are worried for me, both say do not be alone with her any more while she is so volatile without Kirk to take it out on and I know they are right although that might be hard to do. Kirk called today and said that Jami won't take his calls and that she says she is done with him. I told him to worry more about her cutting him out of Kira's life as she seems to be trying to do although I assured him that Cheri has noted that he is more parental material. I don't have any illusions about Jami any more, haven't for a long long time. She can't seem to tell the truth about anything and it doesn't take long at all for her to really believe the things she says. I think I am ready for the attacks to come and the things she will blame everyone else for. The proof will be in the pudding as they say. She is totally irresponsible and I have to keep Kira safe. That is the number one priority and I have the memory of Lindsey as well as all the trauma Lindsey goes through still to motivate me to be strong and fight for Kira.
My shrink says I need a therapist to talk about all of this before it drags me too far down and I will get that going but for now this is my therapy. And the always good advice from Beaver and Jeanette and Jess.
That's all folks.
Thanks for your support.

Kirk to Jail

Kirk was sentenced 90 days today for not paying restitution on that accident he had last year. Jami called very upset and kept saying how they were so surprised, I was only surprised that it didn't happen sooner. I don't know how Jami will get by without Kirk but I'm sure she will figure out something. I just don't know how good whatever she figures out to do will be.
Jami started going to the Methadone Clinic again for "detox" although it seems like all they have done so far is mess her up more. She is higher than she has been for ages acting and talking like she just chugged a fifth of vodka. She said they started her at 40 mg. and then raised it four days later even though she missed the next three days. I don't think they have any plans to get her clean any time soon. I've always thought the BAART clinic just got them all addicted to methadone instead of narcotics for which they got paid and make a lot of money. Now the state is paying for Jami's treatment and I'm sure they will get as much money as they can out of this. In the mean time Jami is enjoying her legal buz. Even though I don't like BAART it really bugs me that Kirk wasn't allowed to go to the Methadone clinic, too, because of Jami's claims that he beats her. I wish he would grow some balls or at least a spine and take up for himself against Jami's allegations. Maybe he is afraid because Jami is so very convincing. When I tried to tell them at the clinic that Jami was the violent one they didn't believe me. Not only does Kirk get dogged unfairly but Jami will never get help to get better if no one addresses her aggressive behavior. She went on one of her tangents last weeks that lasted at least three days. Kirk got drunk and Jami kicked him in the butt while he was puking in the toilet and it was on for days. Kirk has the most Godawful bruises on him including the worst bite mark I have ever seen on his inner thigh. As always she cries that he just kept attacking her for no reason and that he beat her with a toilet seat. Her face is scratched up but those wounds look self inflicted although I do think Kirk fought back to some extent. They were here over the weekend and Jami kept taking Kirk outside to go at him some more and she flared at every little thing he did or said, same story as ever. Kira could feel the tension and didn't sleep at night until Sunday when they were gone and then she went right to bed and slept twelve hours. Cheri says it is obvious that Jami doesn't want to be a full time hands on mother and doesn't believe she could. it is all sad and aggravating. I pray that KVC is very careful about when Kira is returned to Jami and Kirk and I also pray that Kirk doesn't get cut out of the picture for the accusations that he is abusive. Jami tears my heart out and has no clue that she is so very messed up.
Jeremy put brake pads on the van today since Kirk can't do these things for me now. Jeremy didn't get the brakes bled so I don't know how the girls will get to school tomorrow.
I now have the plague that Kirk brought us and gave the babies who gave it to Jess who passed it on to me this week. It is an ugly monster. I wish I could just sleep through it but of course I can't.

Killing time

I have to leave for an appointment with Dr. Rogers in 15 minutes so am killing time.
The Town and Country has had a few problems but I still think it is a good deal. What $400. car doesn't have a few problems???? We had to put a new belt on it when we got it and then the belt came off yesterday so I called Kirk to come put another one. Turns out they put the wrong belt on the first time so maybe this one will stay. There is an electrical problem in the dash, odd things happen, and I know that will be a pain in the butt to fix but hopefully I'll find someone who can do it.
Jaz is better. She has been with her mom the last few days but I am picking her up today for the night. When I stop by there she hugs me and points outside wanting to go with me and it breaks my heart.
Jami had court on the child endangerment Tuesday. They wanted her to plead "no contest" but she wanted to fight it even though she would pretty much be fighting me in court since I was summoned by the prosecution but when we all got there she took the plea. I'm very glad she did. I really didn't want to have to testify. Jami is saying the statements I made at the time are false and I don't know if she just doesn't remember or if she just wants it to go away but I told the truth. I do think a few things I said got twisted a little but they have all of the basics correct.
Jeremy is actually making an effort to get along with me and to help me more. I feel bad for him in a way, I would hate to screw up as much as he has. He still insists that wrecking the Blazer wasn't his fault at all but the truth is he shouldn't have pulled out into an intersection in a vehicle that he knew might stall out in front of anyone. And the truth is HE IS A TERRIBLE DRIVER. I don't think that is all his fault, he is not willfully careless, he just doesn't have the awareness to be driving at all. I have taken over the driving again, I should have never gotten lazy and started letting him drive himself to and from work so I wouldn't have to get out with Kira every night, but it IS a drag to have to!!!!
OK. Gotta fly.
See ya.

Jaz has Pneumonia

Took Jaz to the ER last night. She was put on oxygen immediately and we were there for about four hours while they got her stable. She was sent home with me with antibiotics, steroids, and more Albuterol. today has been touch and go with one foot out the door to the ER. They want us to try to control her breathing here so she doesn't get exposed to even more infections in the hospital but she isn't doing very well at all. The red flags, labored breathing, not drinking or wetting, are getting pretty bright red but Jeremy got home a little while ago and got her to drink a little and she is up and playing a little. This is so scary.

Kira is doing better, the antibiotics are giving her diarrhea but she is feeling better. It is just hard having both of them sick and wanting attention.
I'm glad Jeremy is home.
We bought a Town and Country van from Linda F. and it appears to be a very good deal, the best thing we have had.

By By Blazer!!

Jeremy called around eleven tonight and said that the Blazer was totaled. He said that the other driver was at fault but claiming that he hit her. I called Rob to meet me there and took a cab to the scene. Rob called Jeanette who called me while I was on the way there and said that the other vehicle was a cop car and that there were cops everywhere and that they had the intersection blocked off. It ws a nightmare scene of flashing lights. Jeemy ws in the back of one of the cop cars waiting for me to get there with his ID and the proof of insurance etc. The Blazer was hit on the passenger side and both those windows and the front and back windshields were shattered. the cop car was up in a snow bank with the front end crushed, both vehicles totaled. Poor Jeremy seemed just stunned. I emptied the Blazer while they checked out all the car information and Rob gave us a ride home. Jeremy was ticketed for no license and false plates, I still had the last owner's plates on it. I was going to register it today but Jeanette told me there wasn't a fine for doing it late so I put it off. The ticket is cheaper than registering it would have been so maybe that is a good thing. But we have little hope that he will win the suit over whose fault it is since it is a cop car. He is likely screwed. But thank God he isn't hurt. He feels terrible about it and refuses to accept the comfort I try to offer or my assurance that I'm just glad he is OK.
I have no clue how we are going to recover from this one but I know we will.

Kira Sick Again

Now here is what bothers me about this. Kirk came to see Kira Wednesday even though he and Jami have had a terrible virus, coughing, fever, congestion. I asked them both not to come and he came anyhow. I got here after he did, he got here early, and I had picked up masks from the doctor. When I got here he was with Kira and hadn't even washed his hands. A little late for the mask but I told him to put it on anyway. Then neither of them showed up for the Friday or Saturday visits. That's my problem here. If it was that he just HAD to see Kira, missed her so much he came before they were well, then he or they should have come for the next two visits, too. Not just come and get Kira sick and then go about their business. I warned him that I would do him damage if the kids got sick and then reminded him of that today. I didn't even get a phone call from them all weekend although Jami called Jess.
If the other kids get sick and Jaz goes to the ER or Jessalynn misses any more school I am going to go ballistic on Kirk.
I took Jaz home today after dropping Jeremy off at work and before picking up the school girls. It was just Kira and me here for the first time all month but she was so sick she slept all afternoon and evening.
There is a visit scheduled tomorrow.
Hope Kirk is ready for me.

Last Day of the Week!!!

Almost the last day of the month. Not that either of those things mean much...
Put away all of the laundry. It took longer than washing it. But the babies weren't at the laundromat and they weren't much help. It is very difficult to get things done with just one baby. Two should make it easier because they play together but they both want my undivided attention most of the time.
I was supposed to take Jessalynn to see her mother today but it was noon before I got in touch with Jess. I am supposed to pick Jess up after Jeremy gets off and take her and Jessalynn to her house if things go as planned. I haven't heard from Jess since noon so I'm not too sure. Calling her now. No answer. Jessalynn is staying up to see her mom and I'm afraid she is going to be disappointed again.
Jami sent me a text saying they wouldn't make the visit because they are sick. Cheri wasn't too happy about it! I know Jami is sick but I'm not sure about Kirk. I haven't talked to them all day.
I tried to look up KVC on the Internet and couldn't get to their site because it said something about it not being a safe site. It appears they are new in Nebraska but have been very successful elsewhere, mostly Kansas. I really wanted to see their mission statement. Something just feels wrong with the way this whole thing is going. Jami and Kirk get very little help with their addiction, I think Jami was approved to go through the BAART clinic for help but not Kirk, and it just won't work unless they help both of them at the same time and even that is iffy. There seem to be no pressure on them to find jobs or a home. They were pushy about them getting their evaluations done but then nothing. And I don't seem to get much help with Kira's care at all. I get $10.00 a day pay to take care of her, maybe that is low because I am also her grandmother, and that doesn't do much. She is a ward of the state and I am her foster mother and I know foster parents are supposed to get a clothing allowance and other things that aren't available to me. I asked if they could help with a car seat and clothes and they said that I was supposed to buy that out of the $10.00 a day. It wouldn't matter except I am living on disability and have nothing to spare most of the time. I don't even turn on the central heat in the winter when it is just Jeremy and me and I have had it on since I got Kira 24/7 and that is going to catch up with me. I have been trying to contact my DHS worker since December 16th and she has returned NONE of my calls. I applied online for food stamps almost two weeks ago and when I called to check on it yesterday my worker didn't answer, of course, so I called the main number and the woman who answered said she could do nothing for me. I told her I knew she could at least look up my application and she grudgingly did so and told me that it hadn't been received. I asked if they had problems with online applications and she said no, people file like that all the time, but just mine didn't go through. (Neither did the one I filed for Michelle last month!) Cheri got Vickie's supervisor's name for me and I tried to call her but got her voice mail, left a message, and have heard nothing. Jeremy got his income tax return and it is getting eaten up with groceries and diapers and bills. I haven't even told him how much I have spent of it but I think he has an idea.
We have a Family Meeting with KVC and DHS once a month and the meetings are a joke. We ask for help with things and they discuss which department is responsible for what we are asking about and promises are make and then nothing. We are all supposed to be positive and praise Jami and Kirk for their progress even though there has been very little and everything negative is just skimmed over if it is discussed at all. I don't think Jami and Kirk take any of this very seriously and why should they? Nothing is addressed like it is a serious thing if it is addressed at all. When this first started I tried to talk to Ashley about Jami and Kirk's addiction and how I was afraid they would still be addicted when they get Kira back and she said that it was possible they would and when I questioned the wisdom of that she snapped at me that I had to remember that they weren't charged with a drug offense, just Child Endangerment (from using drugs!!!). (Not tht they hurt her because they were high. It was an accident. But I do think being strung out they miss evaluated the seriousness of her injury and that they were hesitant to take her to a doctor because of how and where they were living.)
I see two possible outcomes. One, they eventually give Kira back to her parents just as they are and Kira lives the life of a junkie's kid. Two, they dick around and act like there is nothing pressing that Jami and Kirk need to do to get Kira back and then out of the blue tell them they did a bad job and terminate their parental rights even though they would have done anything required if they had been given the chance and made to understand they might lose Kira if they if they didn't get clean and on their feet fast enough. I really doubt scenario #2. It just doesn't seem that anyone at KVC or DHS or the judge involved care enough to do anything.
Glad I got that off my chest.

18 Loads of Laundry!!!!!

Whew. Think I'm gonna die. It it ever piles up like that again I am throwing it away!!! It took me four hours of busting ass at the laundromat. And I still have three loads of bedding I need to do!!!
I went to Jessalynn's parent teacher conferences yesterday and found out she has been having trouble with both reading and math and is being recommended for summer school. I felt so guilty realizing I haven't worked with her since I got Kira. But Jess and I thought she was doing fine but then again we missed the last conferences. I vow to work with her more.
Just put whiny babies down for a late nap. They might be up late tonight but they really needed a nap. Jeremy said they only took a short one while I was doing laundry.
I am in pain!!! I will pay for doing so much laundry for a few days. I am going to make an appointment to see Dr. Youngblood again and see if he will do more for me for the pain. I don't know why Dr. Gold does me the way he does. The other day I was walking into Walmart and thought "I'm just going to give up and stop walking." I haven't had a thought like that for a long time and I meant it at that moment. My legs burn so badly when I walk, especially going up stairs, I just want to cry sometimes. Dr. Gold gives me just enough pain meds to not want to die most of the time and he wants me to go for some more injection in my back and I just can't make myself do it especially since there is no guarantee that it will help. It hurt terribly last time getting the injection and then was very painful for a couple of days and I didn't notice any benefit. When I told Dr. Gold that I just couldn't stand the thought of someone standing behind me hurting me he said to ask the doctor to put a clamp on my ear to calm me. ????? This is starting to sound like my ex-brother craziness.
Jessalynn is missing her mom very, very, much. Meez is going to have to do without Jess real soon. Jaz doesn't miss her so much, she is pretty happy to be with us, but Jessalynn is older and wants her mom!!!
It is finally getting a little warmer here. I can't wait for a spring day!!! Then I will start bitching about the heat...
Uncle Paul emails me pretty often. It is very nice to have him for family. I missed the rest of them a lot at first after Mike told his lies but now I see it as their loss and am very happy with the family I do have. Uncle Paul is like a link to my father that I still need and I do love him very much. He was the first person to treat me like an adult when I was growing up and I'll never forget the time he drove me from Texas to Kansas. I loved every minute of that trip. Driving the Blazer makes me think of him, too, and the car he drove me to kindergarten in. Plus he gives pretty good advice and there aren't many people who do that for me. Or who I let do that for me...
I bought a shiatsu massager the other day. Think I will go let it work on my back.
See ya.

Doctor Day

Saw Dr. Gold and Dr. Rogers today. Gold for the usual check up, Rogers for the UTI I have been fighting forever. Rogers put me on cipro hoping it isn't what caused the seizure I had last time I was on it. I'm allergic to so many antibiotics it is hard to treat anything. macrobid didn't work.
The visit was very nice today although it seemed to go fast. I did ask about KVC getting Jami and Kirk monthly bus pases and hopefully they will. Kirk is looking for work now and things are sounding a lot better. I hope they can get it together for Kira. They love her so much. I just want them to know that she can't live the life they have been living and give her a lot more. For them, too. I don't think they even know what it is to be happy any more or even what life can be without drugs being part of the equation. I know how hard it will be for them to completely give up all drugs but I am praying it is not impossible. I hope lifestyle will be discussed in a lot of detail and that it is impressed on them that a life that involves any kind of drugs isn't good for kids. Meez is scheduled for another surgery Friday. I'm not sure how it is all going to work out. I know Meez will need Jess's help for quite a while but I don't know how long Jess can take being away from her girls. Maybe Jaz could join her at Meez's but it is too far from here to get Jessalynn to and from school from his house.
Jeremy hasn't had a day off for about two weeks but he is off tomorrow. He definitely meeds a break!

Valentines Day

Jeremy couldn't wait until Valentine's Day. After I asked him to name the gifts he had bought me over the years he finally got it and surprised me with a ring for Valentine's Day. :). It is very pretty but I might have to get it sized. I got him some Homer Simpson pajama pants.
Jami and Kirk missed the last three of their four visits last week. That looks very bad for them but there isn't anything I can do about it. We have a family meeting scheduled for tomorrow and it will likely be discussed then.
Meez is out of the hospital and Jess is at his house taking care of him. I took her there last night after stopping at Outback to pick up their Valentines Day dinner.
I have Jessalynn and Jaz. They are never a problem, Jessalynn is good company and helps out a lot when she is here and Jaz is a good playmate for Kira. Jeremy is totally smitten with Jaz and has spoiled her rotten.
Kira is doing very well. She is such a sweet little thing, loves being cuddled and tickled. It is fun watching the different personalities of these babies develop, they just grow up too darn fast.

The blazer is on the road again but I don't know for how long. Kirk put a new starter in it yesterday so it starts but it stil runs rough after a little while. Jeremy was really mad at me again for making him late to work . I have to get this together. Maybe it is just hard right now after being without a car for a while and trying to get everything done and Meez being in the hospital and trying to get Jess up there and back, etc. Jami and Kirk missed their visit today. Cheri is getting upset because she loses money when they miss and it really looks bad for them to miss so much.
I read a news article a couple of days ago about clinics in Vancouver giving heroin to addicts instead of methadone. It is more effective than methadone and has been very successful there and in other countries. I think it might be a good idea for hard core junkies. I watch Jami and Kirk spin their lives away spending every day figuring out how to get their next hit. The article said that the people going to the clinics are able to resume a more normal life without the daily hunt.

Murder??

I doubt anyone would believe it if it were true, and I'm sure it couldn't be proven without a witness stepping forward, but I have the feeling that the guy who ran over Vern and Meez did it on purpose. It started with a feeling I got when I saw the picture they showed of the driver, Scott Ruffcorn, but then Meez told Jess that it seemed like the car veered to hit them intentionally. The guy looks like a skinhead and has a bad reputation. Jami says that he went to school with her in Logan and she agrees with what I think about this.
Meez got through surgery yesterday and is in even more pain now but that should get better. Jess went up to the hospital to be there for Meez's surgery and ended up stranded there until midnight because the Blazer still needes a starter, something I hope to get fixed today.

Meez in Critical Condition

Meez and a friend were changing a tire on his car on the Storz Expressway at three this morning and were hit by a hit and run driver. The friend who was helping Meez was killed and Meez is in Creighton Hospital in critical condition with a broken ankle, leg, and arm, maybe more, Jess, who took a cab to Creighton when his mom called her, kept cutting out while I was talking to her. The lat time Jess called she said that the driver who hit Meez and his friend had been caught. I would have gone up there, too, but I'm alone with both babies and Trace. And the Blazer is broken down up at Popeyes, I'm hoping Patrick can help us figure out what is wrong with it.

Grandkids for the Weekend

I didn't get the kids to school today because of the snow and having rear wheel drive in the Blazer. (Four wheel drive isn't working.) I picked up Jess and her girls and dropped the girls off with Jeremy and took Jess to her shrink appointment around noon. Then Nett and Rob dropped off all three of their kids around four-thirty. Right after they left I noticed Riley had a fever. I gave him some Tylenol and held him until his temp went down. Then Jenise said her eyes were burning and I took her temp and gave her some Ibuprophen. They felt better and both started playing but Riley wanted to be held a lot still which didn't go over well with Kira and Jaz! Nett came back for Riley but I asked to keep Nici because she would have been heartbroken to have to go home.
I'm up now because my back hurts now. I took Morphine a while ago and still can't go back to sleep so I just took some Hydrocodone, too. Jenise was up crying about an hour ago so I gave her some more Ibuprophen.

A New Pain in the Ass

Bought it last night. It is a '92 Chevy Blazer, one of the few years that made 8 cyl. engines, wish I'd of known that!!! and it has a yet undiagnosed overheating problem.
I found the car on Craig's List. It was the second car I bought this week. The first one was an '88 Mercury Cougar. It was rusted all over and the tranny was going out and it had a bad exhaust leak. When I picked Jessalynn up for school she asked whose car it was, and , when I told her I bought it, she said, "You paid money for this?!" Then halfway to school she asked me if I had seen it before I paid for it. I laughed all of the way home and a little bit every day since then. I put that car back on Craig's List when I got home and it was gone for what I paid for it in two hours.
Then I found the Blazer.
Jeremy and Phillip replaced the thermostat, Jeremy broke a couple of things while doing it, and that wasn't the problem... Maybe it's the water pump.... and now there are no dash lights...
Kira walking and talking. Her parents are having a lot of trouble doing the things they need to do to get her back. I hope they get it together in time.
That's all for now!!!!!

Weekend

I've had a terrible time since going to the dentist. I have been vomiting ever since an hour after getting the tooth pulled and I know it is from the infection in the roots but I haven't been able to hold anything down to take the antibiotics with. I did just eat a little cheerios and take one but I don't know... I'll have to go to the ER and get a shot if I don't get this under control.
I have Jenise and Robby and Trace and have to figure out how I am going to pick up Jeremy and then get all of us to Jessalynn's party later. I have no clue right now what I am going to do.
Jami and Kirk had a good visit with Kira. I'm pretty sure Kirk is going to have to turn himself in Monday.
Nothing else.

Kira 1 Year Check up

Kira had her 1 year check up today and got six shots and had her blood drawn to test for lead. They say there is a problem with lead in the Omaha area. Her iron count was a little bit low, too. The doctor prescribed vitamin drops, said she was too young for the better tasting gummy ones, and she is to eat more red meat with her three teeth.
Jess and I had our shrink appointments today at the same time. I sometimes wonder if Dr. Jahari is really helping Jess but she seems to believe in him so hopefully that will do the trick... Well, unless he is really bad, then he could really screw her up. I just feel like sometimes he convinces her that she is more mental than she really is but it could be that I don't really know how mental she is. She is a hard one to figure!!!
We rushed home to get Jeremy to work on time and stopped at the dollar store to get a few things for Jessalynn's surprise birthday party Sunday and then we stopped at Burger King for a snack. The tooth I had a band on really hurt when I tried to eat a burger and I decided it was time to do something about it. We went and picked up the girls from school and I took Jess and her kids home and Kira and I headed for Emergi Dental. Dr. Scott Green, who I had seem years ago and then been unable to find again, ws working there again. He talked to me about the things that could be done to maybe repair the tooth again and I told him to just pull it. I had begged Jess to watch Kira for me but she wasn't up to it so I had her with me in her carseat and I just wanted to get it done fast and over with. The whole problem with the tooth started with Medicaid refusing to pay for a crown so the root canal went bad. It maybe couldn't have been saved no matter what and I haven't been able to chew on that side for months.
We left the dentist and went to K Mart to shop for Jessalynn's birthday, she asked for clothes, and Kira w3s really sick of being in the carseat and starting to cry so we came home. I have to go get my prescription for antibiotics after Jeremy gets off work.
I'm in quite a bit of pain right now. The good thing about a bad toothache is that I don't feel the back pain...
Yesterday Ashleigh made a big deal about having a check to get some bus passes for Jami and Kirk to visit Kira and then today she gave them each a book of just ten tickets!!! Jami called and told me, frustrated and crying. I told her I had expected something like that and that I would buy her a bus pass when I get my check next week. Kirk is going to jail Monday to serve his 90 days for not paying restitution on that wreck last year.

Another Nutty Day

I thought I got a good start this morning getting up in time to get the girls to school. I dropped Jessalynn off before I picked up Jenise because Jessalynn hadn't eaten breakfast and when I was dropping off Jenise my phone alarm went off reminding me that I had a 9:30 appointment with Dr. Perry. I rushed home and grabbed the Whisp toothbrushes and got to Dr. Perry's ten minutes late still wearing the clothes I slept in that had Taco Bell sauce on them from a midnight snack.
Dr. Perry explained that he is actually an anesthesiologist who has spent the last fifteen years working with injecting a steroid mixture into the hardened scar tissue around injuries to relieve pain and free up movement. He examined me and found many place that were hardened (surprise surprise) and I agreed to try a series of injections twice a week along my spine, neck, and legs. The needle didn't hurt too much going in and then he dug around in each spot he chose feeling for hard places beneath the skin and he would inject those places which was a little uncomfortable but not unbearable with some deep breathing. He injected three places on the right side of my spine and told me to go to Jay, my physical therapist, to have Jay work the injections through the tissue. I dashed home and changed clothes before going to see Jay, who I had forgotten to call and tell I was having the injections today, but he still saw me. Now THAT hurt!!! It felt like Jay was digging in fresh wounds. I guess he was.
I went from Jay's to pick up Jessica and take her to Great Western bank to try to open an account but they wouldn't let her because of some report US Bank turned in on her. (GW bank said that USB was notorious for doing that to people.) Oh, and Jaz had been crying all day like she was in pain so I took her and left her with Jeremy before taking Jess to the bank.
I took Jess home and went to Jeanette's to take Robbie to the doctor. Robby is still running a 104 degree temp!!! And this time the doctor seemed almost as concerned as we have been now that he has been sick like this for 11 days. She said that if he is still running the fever tomorrow to call and they would send him to the University Hospital to have some more tests run. We are all terrified for our little guy and he is such a trooper. Robby has lost five pounds since his last doctor visit three days ago and it shows in his face. He is subdued but still smiles and plays some, unbelievable with how sick he is. He kept asking to go home with me and I kept saying he could as soon as he was well and then I thought about it and told him that he could come over this weekend even if he is still sick and Grandma will take care of him. That got a big smile.
On the way back to Jeanette's I was in terrible pain and Jeanette found my Home Care instructions and read that I wasn't supposed to be lifting anything or doing anything but resting. Oh.
I got home around five and Jaz woke up from a nap with a 101.9 temp so I called Tibbles office and left a message for the nurse to call me. After going over all of Jaz's recent illnesses and medications the nurse told me to take Jaz to an ER. I had to pick up Jessalynn from Girl Scouts at seven-thirty so I decided to take Jaz after taking Jessalynn home.
We found out today that the GS Cookie orders were due tonight and she hadn't been able to sell any yet with everyone sick and everything but Patrick got on the phone and took orders for 88 boxes and I sold enough to get it up to over a hundred boxes of cookies so she could win a prize. I picked up Patrick's order and got to the scout meeting right before it was over. Jessalynn was a little sad that it wasn't like last year and that she wasn't getting the prize she wanted but then her troop leader, Miss Jessica, asked her what she had hoped to win and told her that she would buy it for her at the Girl Scout store this weekend. She is an absolutely incredible troop leader!!
I took Jessalynn home and came home to get Jaz and after thinking about it realized that there was no way I could take her to the ER. I can't carry her at all today so Jeremy had to take her. We have never let him drive with one of the kids in the car because he is a really bad driver but I sent him to the Methodist Emergi Clinic right down the road so they should get there and back OK. They left about a half hour ago. I think most likely that her run of antibiotics, which she finished yesterday, didn't get rid of the double ear infection. I certainly hope it doesn't turn into a mystery like Robby!!
I am in terrible pain. I'm not sure right now if I can go through with this treatment but I'll at least try a few sessions before I give up. I was not ready at all for the amount of pain I would be in tonight although I don't know if it would have been better if I hadn't spent the whole day running around after getting this first one. I'm supposed to be resting and icing it.
Maybe I should get to that now.
Say a prayer for my sick babies.

A better day

Today went better than yesterday, not saying much!, even though Jeremy woke me up when he got off work at 1:30 and I never went back to sleep.
Still very worried about Robbie. His temp was 104 today and still no clue why. I plan to go with Jeanette to the doctor tomorrow and try to demand that they run a few more tests.
I got the girls to school on time and did all of the little things on my list for the day. Jami and Kirk couldn't make it for their visit or the Family Meeting today so it is rescheduled for tomorrow although they have court tomorrow at 1:30 for the Child Endangerment charge.
Kira is still not feeling well. She has an appointment with her doctor scheduled for Friday so if anything develops from the RSV hopefully it can be addressed then.

Jaz Home

Jaz went home to Mommy today. She is doing better with the steroids and Mommy was missing her. Jaz ran from me when she saw me get her coat but then came running when I said we were going to see Mommy. Too cute.
So it back to just Kira and me here. I no longer have to be within Kira's line of sight all of the time. She goes off to play in the Kid Room and everywhere now. She says two words, "ow" and "thank you" and she has one top and one on bottom. Kira is walking more and more but still crawls when she is in a hurry. Too cute.
It is "No Carb" day of my diet. (Not cute at all) I don't have a full blown panic attack on no carb day anymore but I still don't like it. I could never go on one of those strictly no carb diets.
Jeremy picked up a nice dining table and chairs that I took over to Jeanette's today. The kids were so excited to see it!! They want to sit down to meals with Mom and Dad like they haven't been able to before.
Tomorrow is Family Meeting Day with CPS. I am getting ready for the visit tonight. I'm always a little nervous when CPS visits and more so on Family Visits because no less than three CPS workers usually come. I go through the house over and over making sure everything is as child proof as I think and get rid of all the sign of the wild parties I throw. Just kidding.
Kira is asleep. I should get busy.

Jaz ER Again

Another one of "those" days.
Jami and Kirk came for their 11 o'clock visit and I took Jaz to the ER when it was over at 1. The last time I took her to Tibbles he considered putting her on steroids again but then decided to wait and see how she did. I called the clinic and told them she wasn't getting any better and asked if I could have that script for steroids. The nurse told me to take Jaz to the ER and I tried to argue explaining Tibbles had already talked about putting her on Prednisone and she got all snippy and said I would have to take Jaz to the ER for that. When I got to the ER they put us through first since Jaz was having trouble breathing and then when I told the doctor about calling the clinic she wanted to know why Tibbles didn't just call it in instead of exposing their ER to RSV and Jaz to everything else there. I dunno. I stopped at Walmart on the way home and got home at almost 6 pm.

Thursday Wee Hours

Can't sleep. Jaz, Jessalynn, and I have been sick with a baaaaad cold and Nett's kids have it, too. Jessalynn and Jenise haven't been to school this week and Jaz, of course, is having extra trouble with this virus on top of her asthma and having a double ear infection. Yesterday she threw up and I gave her some peppermint water to settle her stomach and then we noticed red blotches on her face. I called Dr. Tibbles office and they said to bring her in. Her eyes were all puffy by the time I got there and I was afraid she was developing an allergy to the antibiotics for the ear infection but Tibbles said he thought it was an allergy to peppermint. Then he heard her cough and said that her cough sounded like RSV and he was very sure of that diagnosis. He said to start nebulizing her every four hours. The rash cleared up but her cough has gotten worse and worse. Then today I noticed her chest retracting when she inhaled and called Tibbles again. They said that if breathing treatments didn't control the retracting to take her to the ER. We've kept it under control so far but I didn't take her home because Jess doesn't have a car and it is hard for her to do the breathing treatments alone. It often takes both Jeremy and me to hold her down for them.
Jami and Kirk came for their visit today. I noticed that Jami kept her winter scarf on for the two hour visit in this hot, steamy, house and I got a peek at her neck and saw the fresh tracks. Chere noticed, too, and called Ashleigh but I don't know what was said or done. Likely nothing will be done. Jami and Kirk both looked pretty rough and Jami fell asleep for a while on the bean bag chair during the visit.
Kira somehow isn't sick yet and I hope she dodges this bullet like she did the last time all of the kids were sick.
Jaz was feeling pretty good for a while this evening and it was so cute watching Kira and her playing. They emptied the pots and pans cabinet like they like to do and they each had a pot and one would hold her pot over her face and make funny noises in it and then the other laughing at themselves. I love to see how they are starting to love each other.
Jeremy was supposed to start a second job at JimmyJohns today and I talked him out of it. I think two jobs is just too much for him, he has been really sick for quite a while and we have no clue what is wrong yet, plus I really need him home during the days to help me get through all of the things I have to do for us and the kids. He was upset about me interfering with what he wanted to do but he gave in after a lot of pleading. It's just al bad time in a lot of ways for him to get all ambitious.
I am excited about the diet Cheri told me about and am already starting to lose weight. It is Day one, no carbs, Day two, 1200 calories, and Day three whatever you want to confuse your metabolism. No carb day is the hardest for Cheri and me, I almost fast on that day but I am starting to plan ahead for the day and it is getting easier. It is unbelievable how many things have carbs!!!!! This is the first time in a looooong time I have been hopeful that I might actually get back down to a size 11!!!
I've been having terrible back trouble. The pain, even with meds, is almost unbearable at times with nerve pain shooting down my legs to my heels and many other pains. Tomorrow I am seeing a specialist Dr. Gold recommended who is supposed to do injections in my back that Dr. Gold thinks will help.
The Missionaries stopped by today to give me a blessing, also prescribed by Dr. Gold, but Jaz was having a bad time and I asked to do it another time. They pressed and said that it wouldn't take long but Jeremy didn't want them in with Jaz crying and Idol on so I asked if we could do it in the hall. The Elders laid hands on me and asked for me to be healed and I admit I felt good while they did it, I just wish they weren't LDS. NO, that isn't quite it. I do love the Mormans individually but I just cannot accept all they teach, Joseph Smith etc,. as the whole Truth or, indeed, any Truth. I don't think any church today has a grip on the whole truth although the Quakers come the closest but I think the LDS are way out thee with their beliefs and rituals. I would have felt the same pleasure to have anyone pray and lay hand on me right now!! Of course they said that the peace I felt was proof of their divine religion and I am happy for them that they have that much faith in their church, even if I find it misguided, and I am grateful that they took the time to come and share their blessing. I just so much wish they would make their ways of life their religious focus instead of Joseph Smith and his Book of Morman but that could never happen.
I loaned Rob $100 today to have a nasty tooth pulled and hope that getting that out of his mouth will make him feel better all over.
We talked to the woman with the Blazer for sale finally today and she does still want to sell it but can't right now. I just hope it happens before the Lumina gets repossessed.
I think that is the update for now.

Saturday Evening

Ahhhh what a day!!! I got a couple of hours sleep and have been bleary all day. Trace went home a little while ago and I am hoping to somehow get a nap before Jenise and Robbie get here and Trace comes back for the night.
I got the house cleaned up for the CPS visit but Jami and Kirk didn't show up because they forgot what time they were supposed to be here. Cheri is getting a little upset at their not showing and showing up late because she wastes time and loses money. I think she is turning in an unfavorable report on them. I do defend them that it is hard for them to get here from Council Bluffs but I also think I would make the visits if it was my kids no matter what. BUT then again, this whole thing just doesn't seem to be taken seriously by anyone. I really don't think CPS cares if they are rehabilitated or not. They just go through the motions and will eventually give Kira back to them no matter what unless they do something catastrophic like kill someone.
I feel half dead and am throwing up just because I am so tired. I usually don't feel my age except when I am sick or don't get to sleep.
OK. I'm going to lay down with the babies.

Saturday Morning

Lisa was released from the hospital yesterday. Both of her ankles are badly broken and they sent her home to take care of herself and her five year old son. Jess and I went to her house right after she got there and I left Jess to spend the weekend and then I went to get her 17 prescriptions. I had to leave Ralston and go back later in the evening because Walgreens didn't have all of her meds ready. When I got back to Lisa's Jess had already made her home wheelchair friendly and even moved her fridge by herself. I'm pretty proud of her!!
Jaz was fussy all day and at eight her temp ws 103.7. I gave her some tylenol and got it down to 101 and then gave her some Ibuprophen, too.Then she wouldn't go to sleep last night so I took her to the ER at around 4 am. She had a bad double ear infection so they gave her numbing med for her ear and Amoxicilin. We got home around 6 and she finally slept. Natalie dropped off Trace at 8:30. Jeremy let him in and I got up at ten.
Now I have to get ready for Jami and Kirk's visit with Kira at 11.

Do I say it here???

Is it here I can say how I feel and what I think??? Not really. I don't want to hurt anyone who might come here that knows me ever again and the things I think and feel could hurt someone. Even a stranger who knows what I am saying or relates in any way.
There is no where no one to talk to except God.

I'm Baaaaack! A New Year

It has been so long since I have been here it no longer deserves the title of Daily Journal.

I just got Cricket Broadband. Been without Internet for over a year.

What a year.

Three grandbabies were born while I was offline. Jess had Jasmine in October 2008, Jeanette had Riley in November 2008, Jami had Kira in January 2009. I believe Dawn had twins in March of 2009 and Michelle also had Cherish in March 2009.Babies babies babies. Jessalynn's father, Patrick, also had a baby, Gage, a few months ago.

Kira is living with me right now. I am her temporary foster mother while Jami and Kirk clean up and get their lives together. They get four two hour visits a week and the visits go really well. I just hope they can do all they have to do to get her back. NOT that I want rid of her!!! She is a sweet little thing.

I still have the grandkids most weekends. Riley just came for the first time New Year's Eve, I think that was harder on Nett than Riley.

We're hoping to move next month if we can get into another place. I found a place that is closer to Jessalynn and Jenise's school and a hundred dollars a month cheaper but don't know if we will qualify for it yet. Well, I haven't even gone and looked at it yet either!!! If we're not having a blizzard it is dangerously cold out and I am not allowed to go anywhere without Kira so I don't get out much lately.

My nightmare biological brother made a fast trip up here last year to give Jeanette the car Joe Jolley left when he died. He acted all paranoid and terrified of me even though he is the last person on earth I would ever want to see and he has no clue how ridiculous he looks to people here who actually know me. He is used to his wide eyed listeners who he'll tell his stories to, and he is quite the story teller If you have all day to listen, and I can't believe I used to be one of his listeners.

OH, there has to be something better to write about.

I am often exhausted, over worked, stressed out, still in a lot of pain, and usually broke, but somehow I still think I have a very good life. It is all about the people I love and who love me.

Jeremy may have to stop working and file for disability. His doctor says it is time because he had a seizure at work and has been having breakthrough seizures more and more often. I haven't figured out how we will get through the waiting period after he files, it can take years like mine did, but I'm working on it. He is staying with his new buddy, Phillip, right now because CPS didn't approve of him living with me with Kira here but I expect Jami to get Kira back within the year.

We celebrated Kira's first birthday here yesterday. Maybe I will figure out how to add some pictures to this journal.

I have Jessalynn and Jazz here, too, right now and they all need my attention so this is all for now.

See ya.