Pre-Christmas

This isn't my first Christmas to be broke for the holidays, but it is the first for a while. I wouldn't care except for the kids. That hurts. We don't even have a tree But Philly called last night and said he has one for us. And Thanks to Jenny we have some gifts for Kira and Jessalynn, the two I worry about the most. But it still feels pretty bleak. I have always hated Christmas. Even when I can afford to buy for all I care about I hate thinking about those who can't. I hate that children are told that Santa gives them gifts according to how good they are during the year. I never taught my girls that and I wish no one did. We talk a lot about children who have low self esteem and feed it early with crap like this. I hear people talking about how they dislike all the commercialization a lot but I am the only one I ever hear talking about this. Why?

December 2011

I didn't tell my children that there was a Santa. Not just because we were in a cult that didn't recognize it but because I hated so many things about it. Number 1: Kids are taught that they get what they ask for if they are good. Yea, I hate the whole commercialization thing, too, but that is what burns me up the most. How many children who are poor think they weren't good enough??? And we are poor this year. I'm sure Nett's kids will get gifts from their father's family, Jazz will be taken care of by Meez, but what about Jessalynn and our Kira??? I worry about Jessalynn the most. Kira is too little to really care much. I think Jessalynn doubts the whole Santa thing but she is trying to believe this year again and I just feel like telling her the truth. It will still burn that she gets so little but I think it would sting less. She tells me that there are kids in her class saying there is no Santa and adds that those kids will be on the naughty list and not get presents. I have a gift for her stashed but no hope for getting her or anyone else anything else. Jeremy's unemployment never started, not sure why because he is a doush who hasn't bothered to call and check. Jenny checked with Toys for Tots but they say they are out of gifts. Patrick has never contributed to the Santa thing and always says he has a limit like $20 that he can spend on her. 

My phone is off this month and I lost my auto insurance. I am not sure how we will even just survive. Jaz and Kira are finally in diapers during the day which saves a lot of money. Jeanette is taking care of herself and her children more which helps, too. but we are living on my SSI and the little we get for Kira and there are no extras at all. Jeremy is always looking for work but there is little to find that he can do and there is always the stress of how he will get back and forth without getting in a wreck. With the accidents we didn't profit on iota when he was working last time. We still have to pay a $350. fine for his last ticket for reckless driving in the next two months.

Santa must die.

Trick or Treat

Jeremy, Nett, Jenny and I took the seven kids trick or treating last night. We got a late start (again!), readying all the kids is tricky! and people seemed to run out of candy pretty early but it was fun. We sped over to Cherry Hills and there were as few places that went all out which the kids really liked. Jessalynn was a vampire, Jenise a witch, Robby Luigi, Riley Spiderman, Jaz a Tiger, Kira was Batgirl, and Kegan was Woody, all too too cute!!!!! We went to Walmart and bought them a bunch more candy before going home so everyone has plenty!!!!

Moving On

We've moved. Jeremy lost his job yesterday and a few hours later the tranny blew on my van.
Ah, these are the days of our lives.....
Not sure if Jeremy losing his job is terrible, I pretty much have been expecting it daily. He has been working in Valley for about two months. I didn't tell him about the job for a long time after I found out about it because of the long drive and his driving record. He wrecked his car several times in the short time he has bee working there. He still has to go to court on one of them and his car looks like crapola. Also, his check has been docked several times for breaking things until he got fired for breaking something yesterday and the cost of it will be coming out of his last check still.
The good thing is that we moved this month to a cheaper place. It isn't at all what I was looking for but it is a place we could afford on just my disability if we had to and it is very close to the kids school.
there isn't a dishwasher in this place and I don't have a washer so I iron the clothes dry, and with all the six kids laundry that is a lot of ironing!!!!
The thought that my life hasn't turned out anything like I expected often crosses my mind even though I really have no idea what I expected by 54, don't think I ever really thought it through. I don't hate this life. I love everyone in my life. I suppose I didn't expect to still be raising kids but I planned to be enjoying them so it isn't that different. OK. That might be a lie. But I sure wouldn't want anyone else to have them when their parents can't take care of them... There are wonderful moments, days, years. 
     Kira: GRANDMA! GRANDMA! Jaz is going to bite me!!!!!
     Jaz: I'm not going to bite her I am going to HIT her!!!
Priceless. 
But all six of them as much as they are with me is a LOT of work. 
I feel old. All 2011 I have been aware of how old I am. I feel like I have aged more in the last year than in the last ten. I look at my body and face and see an old woman in the mirror. I live at a pain level that horrifies me and Dr. Gold keeps me under medicated, sadistic or something, I haven't figured that out. Not sure why it is called Pain management because the pain isn't managed at all by him. But that is another story....

What I've Done to Us

Ah, it isn't pretty. We are so broke we will only make it through these times if absolutely nothing else goes wrong for a loooong time. Jeremy has his CNA but is having a very hard time finding anyone who will hire anyone without experience. I should have researched that a little better!!! We whould be alright for the rest of the year if I hadn't spent all of our money on my girls in the last few months. I did what I thought I had to do, but much of it could end up to be a waste after it all. My youngest could very likely lose the home I put her into and everything I bought for it. Jeanette started working last week, there is light at the end of that tunnel, although she was going to be OK most likely soon anyhow with ADC and getting her unemployment benefits extended. But I broke the cardinal rule, take care of yourself so you can help others, not help others until you can't help yourself. Not the first time I have done this but I should know better by now!!!! I even spent money put back for important things, like getting my teeth fixed. Now after next week I will have no teeth on the left side. Ah, my own fault, what is worse is making Jeremy live with this. We could have lived at least a year on what I have spent in the last six months, two years on what I spent the two months before that, and now we are struggling to keep the house in toilet paper and keep the lights on! Fortunately, Jeremy is largely unaware of how much money we had to begin with. Not that he would hate me or anything, but I would definitely hear the things I already know about how careless I have been with our money and lives and I'd rather not.
Aside from that, we are having a good summer with all of the kids so far. We have all six almost all of the time and are often stressed with it all but manage to take them places and do things that they like and are fun for all of us. This summer we discovered the Sprayground park. It is free so there is only the cost of gas to get there, not far, and a little for snacks and stuff and we've bought little toys for the parks like sand shovels and buckets. I sooo wish I had bought a zoo pass before the money was gone! but the Sprayground is fun good for all of them. Jaz doesn't care much for the sprinklers yet but she loves the dry playground.
We are having some trouble with the smoke in the air from wildfires in Arizona that is blowing into our state. Jaz has had asthma problems and Jeremy and I have had terrible sinus problems, but this too shall pass.
All for now. The day is calling.
See ya!

Robby Party

We had a party at Westwood sprayground yesterday. Jeremy brought a grill and made hot dogs, had a Batman birthday cake, and the kids played and played all day. Jenny and Keegan came and Michelle and Keen were there with Cherry so it was a good size group even though several people invited couldn't make it. The park is only about five miles from here so we hope to take the kids there a lot this summer. good free fun for hot days.

I got a bad case of food poisoning from some potato salad, spent a miserable 8 hours but it is passing, just weak and miserable now.
Worried worried worried about money. Been supporting Nett and Jess for months and Jeremy is having a hellova time finding a CNA job. Everyone seems to want a year experience but where is he supposed to get that??? He slunk back to Popeyes today to ask for that job back, I felt terrible for him, but we aren't giving up on finding him a CNA job.
Jami's and Kirk's visits with Kira have been cut down to one two hour visit on Wednesdays in preparation for them ending soon when she goes up for adoption. I still know nothing about if i will get to adopt her, it is absolutely terrifying waiting to know. I am talking to the LDS church about helping us if we need it and I think they will. That is all a little strange. Our new missionaries are almost claiming a completely different LDS doctrine than any of the others have that eliminates most of my long held objections. I know the church didn't change that much, but they have definitely changed their approach! I will be meeting with them again Monday evening.
I just hope they can help me keep our Kira.
OK. Feeling pretty rough.
More some other time.

8 Days of School Left!!!!

Whew. Almost survived another year of driving kids to school!!! Jeremy has been helping drive them a lot lately since I was diagnosed with Labyrnthitis. Vertigo is not the best driving companion or any kind of companion.
The kids are passing around some kind of virus, mostly high fever, but it seems to pass fairly quickly.
Did I write about Nett's eyes???? Her retinas detached a couple of months ago and she is blind in the right eye and doesn't see too well out of the left. She has had two surgeries done by Dr. Priluck and he still thinks she will regain some sight but we won't know for sure for a while. We have had the kids pretty much since this started, she was in terrible pain after the surgeries and then can't lift over five pounds and just needs to adjust to what her life is now. It scares her when the kids run at her because they get close before she can see them, but she is planning to start having them soon. Mostly right now we don't want to risk her getting whateverf this virus the kids are passing right now. I took her to the doctor today and Dr. Rosman is testing her for C Diff, which I hope she doesn't have!! but she has been a pretty sick little girl for a whle now. She is very, very, skinny from the Graves Disease, and has just had too much go wrong lately.
jeremy graduated from Clarkson and has his CNA but is still looking for someone to hire him. This first job will be the hardest to get so he is having to pound the pavement looking but I have no doubt he will do well when someone decides to give him a chance. He graduated at the top of his class amazing everyone with his aptitude for this. I knew he would do well but he even managed to amaze me.
I am worried about our financial situation. We have been supporting Jess and Jeanette for a while now and the money we had saved to get us through while Jeremy went to school and found work has gone too fast but I always have faith that we will find a way to manage, although I have no clue what that will be right now. Rob paid Nett child support for a couple of months but then his mother told him to stop after Jeanette could no longer work, lovely people they are, and we awhve beensupporting her and her kids since then. She has applied for ADC but that will be less than 400 a month when it does start and that isn't nearly enough. Jess hopes to be able to start working in June but she currently owes 340 in rent that I will have a hard time getting together for her. I have it but I also have everyone's other bills to pay and Jeremy still not working but we are first and foremost survivors.

Depression

I seldom fall victim to depression like this. Thank God. It feels very much like when someone close dies but no has died lately. I am sure it is triggered by the death of what I have felt was a close relationship with Jessalynn's father, Patrick, but that is not all of it, only the last straw perhaps. Patrick blindsided us Thursday with court papers demanding imediate temporary custody of Jessalynn and we go to court April 4th. I would repsect it if I had any belief that he did this in Jessalyn's best interest. He stated in his own deposition that he has always had free access to Jessalynn yet he has never in my memory kept her more than overnight on a weekend occasionally, never even for a whole weekend, unless he was taking her out of town for a family reunion or something. No. This is the culmination of four years of him bitching about paying child support and never understanding that the money he has to pay is for the overall support of Jessalynn. Not that he has at all regularly paid. He has only made payment when threatened with being held in contempt of court or of having his driving license suspended. Add to that he was very angry that Jess stopped letting him claim Jessalynn on his taxes the year he didn't give her her share of it. He swore after tax time this year he would have revenge and now he is trying for it. He says he borrowed the money from his mother to do this. He called me and said that he hoped we would have the same relationship as before. I thought I told him that ship had sailed but then Jess called and told me that Patrick was telling her that I was fine with all if this. I called him and apologized if I hadn't made myself clear but that I would never have any respect or even liking for him again in any way. I told him that he was aware that Jess would need my support in this as he had to have help paying for his lawyer from his mother and that I don't have friends who cost me a thousand dollars out of the blue for ridiculous claims because they don't understand child support. It seems that I am worried about everything these days. I have no clue how Jeanette is going to manage with her vision still mostly limited to one eye and Jess is totally dependant on child support that seldom comes and State aid that is never enough for a little longer and Jami and Kirk still can't take care of themselves let alone the addiction taht seems to have claimed them again and I watch my savings disappearing with all of their needs until I know that I will soon have trouble taking care of myself. Jeremy is doing well in school and working terribly hard but he studies constantly to keep his grades up and cna do very little to help me with anything. Indeed, I feel terrible I have helped him so little with his studies after promising so much more when he enrolled in the CNA class. Then there will be the worry of him finding a good nursing job when he does graduate and surviving until that income begins. I had hoped to have enough saved that we could move to a better home when our lease is up here but that is doubtful with having to hire reprsentation for Jess. Jessalynn does not want to live with Patrick so for that reason alone I will seek the best of the best help to stop Patrick's plan to get her and get out of paying child support. I have also been looking for a little car for Jessica but don't know if there will be money for that either after this custody issue is dealt with. There is a bright spot. We were all so worried that Jess getting attacked in her own home twice would make things worse for her. I can't imagine being agorraphobic and then being attacked in the one place I felt safe, I expected a huge setback at least, but it has instead had a totally different effect. She says it made her feel empowered forf the first time, she fought off both attacks herself and survived. God does have the strangest ways of giving blessings!!!! I think her reovery since then has been unbelievable and I do think she could be persuaded to start driving a little again if she had a car. I might still find a way to make that happen for Jess and her girls.

My Beautiful Jessalynn is 9!!

Jessalyn is growing up sooooo fast!!! There was a blizzard the night she was born. Jami came to pick me up to go the hospital the night Jess went into labor. We were climbing through the snow to get to her truck when I slipped through a drift and fell into the sewer drain in front of Patrick's house. Jami had no clue what happened and the wind was so fierce I could barely hear her calling for me, asking where i went. I was in the drain up to my chest which was compressed so I couldn't yell loud but she finally backtracked and saw me and pulled me out of the drain and rushed me to the ER at the hospital where Jessalynn was being born. I insisted o a wheelchair to check on them before I went into ex ray and saw Jess. She was looking pretty bad and had a fever rising so they were planing a C-section ASAP. I went back to the ER and got through the tests while she was in surgery and got back upstairs right after Jessalynn was taken to the nursery. She was so beautiful I just sat there and cried.

And now we often have a snow storm on her birthdays, today no exception. School was canceled but she is here with us. We are going to delay her party, maybe Friday, but I am going to give her one of her gifts shortly. She has been asking for her birthstone so I bought her a 10 ct. gold pair of earrings with marque shaped garnet stones. I'd like to get her a matching ring and necklace but am worried they might get broken or lost which would make her too sad, hopefully the earrings will stay in place better than those might. They will be the first dangly earrings I have let her have although the dangle is very short. I am so very proud of this little girl. She is just amazing and I love the way she loves and trusts me. I lived with her parents her first six months before i went to Texas for two years and when I came back we bonded all over again and the bond is very tight. When I first came back to Nebraska Jeremy and I stayed with them for about 9 months and Jessalynn spent almost all of her time up in the room we were staying in. If I would lay in bed and read she would get a book and lay cheek to cheek with me for hours pretending to read, too, turning pages when I did, never bored. Then Jeremy and I moved out into our own house and not long after Jess and Jessalynn moved in with us. Jess took the downstairs but Jessalynn again spent all her waking hours upstairs with us. I had been injured and spent all my time in a wheel chair or bed but she hung out with me no matter what. We lived there a year or two, then Jess moved into West Omaha and we moved a couple of months later to here, less than two miles apart from them but again, Jessalynn spends at least half or more of her time here with us.

Jessalynn is my second oldest grandchild but she is the oldest on who lives here and she rules the cousins who were born after her here. She is an excellent role model and a loving cousin to the younger ones. When all the three now two year olds were born she became indispensable in helping keep order here when all of the kids are here. At home she is a huge help to Jess with Jaz and all of the babies adore her.

But I don't think anyone could adore her more than I do.

A Friday Evening

We're waiting on Jeanette to get here to stay with the kids while we go shopping. Friday nights we keep her kids overnight because she works at seven on Saturday mornings but tonight she is coming here to hang out with them adn feed them supper so we can go and she can have a little mroe time with them. We also have Jaz tonight, Jeremy went and picked her up last night. He was so happy to have her back here he watched Dora with her for two hours at bedtime. It's a good thing Jess doesn't mind sharing Jaz with him because the bond between those two is incredible. Jess knows that and appreciates it for what it is. Jaz will always have Jeremy, this is a life bond.
Nett just texted that she is on her way.
There was a Family Meeting here today with KVC and the guardian ad lidem. I wonder if that is how you spell that... I think the meeting went well. I just hope they find a way to help Jami. It seems like they brainstorm all the things they can do for her and then no much happens. I am not sure whose fault it is that so little gets done but it is frustrating. Now they say they have to have a court order to get Jami mental health help but I thought that was already done. I mean, they have long ago established that she needs help, haven't they?? Wasn't that part of what got her into the Family Works program?? It's not like she could have possibly recovered and not need help any more. It doesn't help that Jami doesn't cooperate more but I tried to tell them I can understand some of her feeling of hopelessness at trying.
I think, hope, Jess has recovered somewhat from her most recent trauma. There is just not much that could be done to help her or for her to help herself. I am still very interested to find out if security guard Dale is really an Omaha police officer and I do plan to find that out. But I council Jess not to dwell on it although that is hard with the threat of being attacked any time she walks out her front door.
Nett is here.

After The Ozz

We went to see Ozzy and Slash last night. It ws fun jsut preparing to go, both of us got new clothes for the concert and we wanted to get there early to get Jeremy shirts but got there a little late so we missed the begining of Slash while standing in line. We had pretty good seats, the 17th row off to the right of the stage. Jeremy was pretty upset I told him not to bring the camera because everyone else seemed to have brought one. I thought they would be enforcing the no camera rule, silly me. Slash was good, I texted Jami through their show feeling bad she wasn't there with us for it since she has always had a thing for slash. Jeremy was stunned that almost everyone stayed in their seats during Slash but when Ozzy came on it was a different story. He kept almost everyone standing for his whole show and he put on an amazing show considering he is a fossil. I joked a lot about how the handicap parking was full by the time we got there, we were an hour late for Kid Rock and there was plenty of handicap parking! but Ozz was getting around a lot better than I expected. I was up for his whole show, too, new boots and all. Jeremy was Jeremy in concert mode, jumping, yelling, and as usual as much fun to watch as the concert. I gave our number to a guy in front of us taking pictures and video offering to pay him for copies but haven't heard from him yet. I sure hope he calls, it would make Jeremy very happy. Jeremy was upset enough about it to want me to go bck out to the car and get the camera but I couldn't leave and get back in. It ended around 11 and we went to Village Inn and picked up Kira adn came home.

Snowy Snowy Day

We are in a snow storm. Supposed to be getting six to eight inches by tomorrow morning and it looks like we have gotten most of it. I had to get out in it to plate the van but hope to not go out again. School was canceled today and I hope it is tomorrow, too.
Kirk went into treatment this morning. I was planning to take him but with the snow we asked David to drive him there in his jeep. Now the real worry about Jami begins. I asked her a couple of hour ago if she had arranged anything for herself and she said she hadn't been feeling well this morning.
Nett's kids are here but she is coming to get them since she jsut found out she isn't working tonight.
We are working on taking the binky away from Kira, heartbreaking, and I have never had to take one before since none of the others liked them. She is playing with all of the kids right now but lately I think she likes hewr time alone with us here. She is such a little sweetie!!!!

Kira Birthday

We don't have any big plans for today, Kira gets a little ripped off with a birthday so soon after Christmas although not as bad as her mom. Jessalynn and Trace have the flu and we are all still beat from the holidays so it will be a simple turning of two for Kira. Jeremy is baking her a cake and we have a few party things and the grandkids are all here. Well, the Omaha ones are.

I finally bought a new laptop after getting a piece of crap trying to buy one at the pawn shop. I am pretty happy with this one.

The money I got is going very fast. I am trying to hang onto what little I have left for us to survive until Jeremy finishes school and finds work. It is hard with the kids needing and wanting so much but I have done about all I can for them without losing everything myself.

Jeanette is having a hard time on her own although Rob is helping. He is also telling her he has a couple of brain tumors that sound like they could be fatal if he is telling the truth. I am not sure what I believe. I can easily see him telling her he is dying for sympathy but I can also see something being wrong with his brain!!!!

Kirk is going into a 30 day drug treatment program Monday and I am very worried about what is going to happen with Jami. She should have set something up for herself, she has to go through a drug treatment program, too, but she didn't and she is in trouble with KVC for not going for her random drug tests since she got out of FW. She gets upset with me when I ask about what she is going to do. Today I asked if she was planing to stay at the trailer without Kirk and she said that she would have to until she could arrange something else and said that her phone getting cut off Friday stopped her from making arrangements. I said nothing, she knows I know she should have done something long before her phone got cut off Friday.

We are excited about the Ozzy concert coming up in a couple of weeks. Jeanette gave KVC her information and hopefully will be approved to babysit for us.

2011

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! We had all of our Omaha grandkids and Trace last night to bring in the hew year. Jami and Kirk spent the evening with Jess and Nett was with her friend, Helen. We didn't have a lot planned but we played Candyland with the bigger kids.
I only have one resolution, to cut down on pop consumption to save the rest of my teeth. Everything else would be ongoing efforts to make everything better. Maybe I should vow to stop trying to fix so many things around instead of more....
Jeremy starts CNA school February 28th and I hope to have our lives a little simpler by then. I need Nett to get a day job, and she needs it too, for the kids, so she can get them to bed earlier and be less stressed herself. Jeremy will be in school in the evenings and I don't know I can handle all of the kids every night without him here although of course I will do whatever I have to. I keep saying I am going toget more organized but, not only are my organization skills not getting any sharper with age, but I am not sure anyone could organize the life I try to lead.
I am happy with my life but I also regret there is so little time for Jeremy and me to just do things together, go out once in a while. It is fine for me but I think about how young he is and what I thought life should be like at his age. He is a wonderful grandfather to all these kids but I would love to see him able to have a good time like a 34 year old guy should. I gave him tickets to Ozzy for Christmas but am still worried if we will have a sitter for Kira. I hope he doesn't end up having to go alone!!! I too often feel like he gets ripped off choosing me but he refuses to consider a life otherwise for which I am grateful but feel guilty even though I did warn him what his life would be with me before we came here. Jess was mad at me the other day over BS like she does and she said "You just want to take everyone's kids!!" I could have laughed or cried. I have a man 20 years younger than me who is wildly fun and outgoing and we spend all of our time taking care of kids and we go out maybe once a year,less thanwhen I was married to a boring, old, deadbeat.
OK. Jeremy is in here.
Later.

John C.Hunziker

That is the name of Jess's therapist for most of the last year. I've never thought much of him, but I maybe should have thought more about him. Definitely should have tried harder to get Jess to switch doctors. First, her depression and anxiety problems got worse and worse in his care. And she never seemed to feel better after an appointment with him. And he just gave me a bad feeling whenever I spoke to him. He was rude and talks at you instead of to you.
Jess has had a lot of problems with keeping the many appointments he demands she make. She and I tried to explain to him many times that it was difficult to meet these demands because she ash two young children and we have three families sharing one vehicle which often makes scheduling things a matter of priority. Hunziker would hear no excuse when we would try to reschedule always pushing and threatening Jess if she tried to reschedule for any reason. Yes. Constant threats to have her committed if she didn't see him and make him money. Little wonder her anxiety problems only became worse under his care. He admits she got worse but of course he doesn't believe it has anything to do with his own qualifications or lack thereof.
Then yesterday he let her know he means business about missing appointments. She has been very sick with a nasty virus and. missed an appointment without calling so he trotted his happy butt downtown and filed a petition to have her committed although she is not a threat to herself or any one else. Jess was in the shower when six police officers entered her home and pounded on the bathroom door demanding she come out even if all she had to put on was a towel. She was taken directly to the County Psych Hospital and placed in intensive care. Se called me as soon as she was able to have me visit her.
We spoke together to the doctor on duty and were able to ask him questions about what Hunziker had done. He admitted that missing appointments was not a reason to commit anyone and that Hunziker was going to have to present a real reason for them to be able to keep Jess locked up. Jess told him that she had seen her psychiatrist very recently who had said he thought she was doing well so he called her shrink who verified what she'd said but the doctor said that he would have to speak to the committing doctor before he could release Jess. After an hour he said that I would have to leave, they hadn't been able to contact Hunziker so Jess was going to have to spend the night there but he promised that he would have her moved out of Intensive Care to a more comfortable part of the hospital.
Jess did find out that Hunziker had tried to give reasons besides her missing appointments for committing her. He brought up three things Jess had gone through, all of which occurred at least over a month ago, and she recovered from them, dealt with them better than many would have. The question there is that if these things had him so concerned for her safety, why did he not recommend she be locked up WHEN these things were going on??? This man is a psychological social worker not even listed with the AMA and Jess was referred to him by a REAL psychiatrist who Hunziker didn't even consult before making this drastic decision for Jess.
It is the morning after. Jess is still locked in County and we are trying to free her from this injustice.
Jess voluntarily went to Hunziker seeking help. She was in no way court ordered or anything like that to see him. She should have been able to quit him at any time but has been held with him through threats even though he himself admitted he was of no help to her. He is boorish and rude and nothing will ever convince me that he was in any way trying to help Jess with the way he has behaved toward her from the very beginning.
I would like nothing more than to see this man lose his license to practice. How many others will never seek help again after experiencing his "care"???

Thanksgiving Eve

I'm starting the prep-work for TG dinner. Jeanette is making a turkey and most of the side dishes for the dinner at her house. I am making the ham and candied yams for the dinner at her house and also a complete dinner to take to Jessica's. I didn't tell Jeanette we are making diner at Jess's, too, but she doesn't want to know anything about Jess anyhow. I hoped they would patch things up by tomorrow but it isn't going to happen. It may never happen and that breaks my heart to think about. Their last words were so bitter and cruel. I don't take sides with one against the other or talk about them to each other. i just pray they will love each other as they should someday. I see both sides, maybe I understand Jess's feelings better but Jeanette's feelings are just as valid even if a little foreign to me.
I think about when I am no longer here and how I hope my girls will have each other then. I think about how alone I am in the world since Mike poisoned every single relative I have with his lies and paranoia. Uncle Paul has emailed me a few times since then but I know he really believes the things Mike says, too, mostly because he isn't close enough to Mike to see how ridiculous he is. I take comfort in all the things Mom said to me about what Mike had done before she died and the things he planned to do to me after and know she would have stood by me if she had lived and been able to. All of it and other things from that time in my life is why I can understand Jess's feelings of betrayal right now. I always thought and taught my children that family comes first. That you never turn against your own for anything. I felt secure in having lived my life by this theme and all I had always done to stay close to family from when I was very young and started writing letters to close and distant relatives. Mike used to call me and ask me to call Mom or Aunt Bonnie for him so he could find out how they were without having to get involved in their lives which should have been a big clue that he and i had very little in common about love for family. He feels obligation, more like he does and says what he feels he needs to for family to have a little self respect and to be able to tell others how wonderful he is to his family, but he doesn't feel the love. I do. I want my girls to, too, even if it leaves them as hurt as I was after I lost my whole family, but hoping it doesn't end that way for them. Maybe I am just dreaming there. Maybe I have ideas of family that are extinct. But i refuse to be that way myself with my family and I will fight for them to have the same antique feelings that I do. How do we lose the loyalty and closeness that should be gendered by "family" without losing God??? i don't know. Mike claims to be a very pious man but never had any love or respect for either of our parents or our brother. Or me now. He feels very righteous about these things, that we were all people who were unworthy of his love or even the love of whatever god he claims to worship that he thinks smiles on his sickness. He convinces himself that everyone else is just insane and he is the tortured soul that had to cast his family out to save himself and it steadily make him more and more unbalanced. I would hate more than anything for my girls to be any thing like him in these respects. I want them to know that they are blessed with each other and that they are their sister's keepers of heart. Jami comes the closest to understanding this. I just keep loving them more and more hoping to show them how to love each other by how I love them. I teach the grandchildren how they will all be responsible for each others hearts for the rest of their lives.
I pray for a world that remembers these things.

Monday Before thanksgiving

I did go back to the doctor yesterday and he gave me another shot in the butt and a different antibiotic. I'm feeling a little better, coughing up less green stuff. I woke up with terrible tooth pain lat night but didn't get a chance to see anyone today, hopefully I will get into Emergency Dental tomorrow and they can over charge me fir a root canal.
Kira's guardian ad lidem called today to check on us. She asked bout Kira spending so much time here while they were at Family Works and a lot of other questions. They aren't very happy with the progress Kirk and Jami have made in the last year and she said something about how they usually give parents 15 months to get it together and be able to have their kids or "other arrangements" have to be made for Kira. I said that I thought they were sincere in wanting Kira back but couldn't say much in their defense for the things they haven't done especially since I really don't understand it. I think they want the right things but the reality of doing what they have to doesn't really hit them. Or maybe the necessity of it. Jami still rages over what seems unfair and I try to tell her that "fair" isn't in question, it is simply do what they say or lose Kira.
Jenise is very sick. Very stuffy and running a fever. Nett took her to the doctor today and they put her on an antibiotic but didn't way what is wrong other than that it isn't strep. Jaz has needed a couple of breathing treatments since waking up choking last night and her cheeks are red but she doesn't have a temp and is playing like she feel fine most of the time.
It is crazier and crazier with all the kids here so much and our apartment is getting trashed pretty badly. I need to get a couple of gallons of paint and scrub and paint the walls where the babies have drawn on them and other things have decorated them. Robby broke the new blinds in the kids room today and I have no idea when or how we will be able to replace them.
I used Jeremy's bank card at the store the other day for a $3 purchase and they charged his card $83. I caught it by chance, bored and calling the bank to check his balance. I lost the receipt but they still fixed it today. Good thing. That is all the money we have until I don't know when.

Ugh

I feel like crap. Maybe the antibiotics, maybe the antibiotics not working, I'll go back to the doctor tomorrow.
Lindsey has sent me a couple of messages asking me to call her so last night I did and John got on the phone. He shares my brother's title of Pompous Ass, almost steals it from him. It is even worse coming from John. He asked why I was calling Lindsey and then said that I was not allowed to have phone contact with her but if I would like to write to her and establish a credible relationship with her I might be able to speak to her some day.
I just wrote and deleted a lot about this. No need for it to be said again now. It is all in records that can be found. I'm not even that upset about it really, I didn't expect any better from John.
We're having a pretty quiet day here. Just us and Kira this morning, then Robby and Riley came this afternoon and Jaz got dropped off a little while ago. I guess that doesn't sound too quiet, but there haven't been any catastrophes or bank robberies today. Jenise is with her mom on their way here and Jessalynn is at Girl Scouts.
Cheri called today. I miss seeing her but she wouldn't stop by when I told her that Kira and I have been sick. She can't afford to get sick with her job and I can't seem to get everyone well at the same time.

Never A dull Moment

Jami and Kirk have been staying in a nice trailer in the back yard of Kirk's friend who lives near here, David. David has a brother who lives next door, Derrick, who is actually closer to Kirk. The brothers have an electrician company with their father that has been in trouble since the economy went sooo bad but it is obvious from their homes that they were once quite prosperous. Now they are running off generators because they owe OPPD and I don't think they have gas wither. Last night Jami and Kirk went to a Mom's Off Meth meeting together and when they tried to go home the houses were surrounded by police, swat teams, and channel 7 news. They called me here and we found out that Derrick had robbed a bank, saying he had a bomb in the drive through. He got awaya with less than $2000 according to the news and is still At Large. Jami and Kirk were nervous about going back to the trailer but eventually did since they can't be here with Kira. I can't imagine Derrick robbing a bank but I know he has been very depressed and also I heard that his girl broke up with him yesterday. I assume he was drunk, he has been drinking a lot, and likely woke up somewhere today thinking What the hell did I do?????
I went to get Jaz's WIC checks this morning and saw an Urgent Care place behind the office so I stopped in there to see if I could get some antibiotics for a sinus infection. It turned out I am even sicker than I know. I told the doctor there is no way I can be admitted to a hospital with Kira so he gave me a shot of steroids in the butt and gave me an albuterol treatment and a couple of prescriptions and told me to see him again to be evaluated in three days. No wonder I feel so bad lately!!!!! A sinus infection with pneumonia is kicking my butt.

Friday Evening

Jeremy is gone with Jeanette to her old house to try to get the last of her things. this is supposed to be the last day to go there, the landlord is wanting the keys, so hopefully they can get everything Jeanette wants. Then Jeremy and Kirk are supposed to start moving her things out storage here into her apartment so she can start getting it set up for them. Nett is so rattled trying to do everything being so sick. Untreated Graves Disease is a real booger to live with until they fix it. She had all her tests to prove it is Graves done yesterday but I'm not sure when they will get around to radiating her thyroid.
Babyproofing is a much studied science here. Three two and almost tow year olds can thwart almost any ideas we come up with. We finally have the bathroom so they can't open the door, used those donut looking knob covers, but that still only works if everyone remembers to close the bathroom door. And it is a pain in the butt for the rest of us to get into the rooms with the covers on the knobs. I put surgical gloves over the knobs under the covers which helps but it is still hard for the big kids to get in the bathroom.
Rob has contacted Nett a few times. He seems to just go back and forth between saying he is sorry for everything and that everything is Nett's fault, a bit of a contradiction!!! He doesn't really believe Nett is serious about divorcing him yet even though he got a copy of the protection order. He sends her very bad poetry that just makes her want to barf and she just keeps telling him it is over. He spent most of their marriage in the basement getting high and drunk and playing with his toys but now he misses them . Seems like if maybe he noticed them when he had them this wouldn't be happening. I must say that, even with all the chaos of staying crammed in this apartment with me Jeremy and me, Jeanette seems a lot happier than I have seen her during her marriage.
Jami s pretty miserable with her situation but I can't sympathize with her since she made her own situation that she is living and , despite her denials, I very much believe she already using again and complaining that the courts are going to make a her begin and complete a drug program since she bailed on FW. Se tells me every day how she misses Kira now but that wasn't her main thought when she walked out on FW where she had Kira living with her. Not only does she have what very much looks lie a needle hope in her neck but she was also seen in Council Bluffs yesterday and I don't think it was to visit her father or anything legitimate. She is always fighting with Kirk lately again miserable but there is nothing I can do for her if I wanted to. If I had the time to!!! Her timing on this was terrible for everyone and the only thing I could do at all was to take Kira in and force Jeanette out so I could have Kira back here. That was a shame for many reasons, Nett isn't ready to be on her own and I have just had too little time with her since she got with Rob when she was only 14. There are so many little things I always wanted to share with Jeanette that I want to teach her now. I still will, she will be very close and I will be helping her be a single mom with three kids. But I hoped she would be able to live with me at least a month even though it is cramped with all of us here. A lot of the damage done to Jeanette's thinking while with Rob needs to be undone and taught correct. The first years she spent with him she assumed he was smarter than her and listened to him about every little thing. She has known that he is full of shit for some time but still needs to learn the real things about life that a mom can teach.
Just had to stop and clean up another mess the babies made and I have to figure out what to feed this troop. That is another thing about Nett, her kids need to learn to eat real food before they are just like their father. someone must have scared Rob in the cradle with a vegetable and I see Robby acting the same. Jenise is a little better but she had a very hard time she she started school trying to eat like other kids.
OK. Gotta get back to this.

Chaos

Jeanette rented an apartment here today. We have to get our apartment emptied and ready for a KVC inspection. I can't believe they didn't show up today but I know they will be here tomorrow. Jami was officially terminated at Family Works this morning and I have no clue what she is planning. She will have to complete a drug program somewhere to get Kira back, likely in patient at this point.
We are passing around a terrible stomach virus. I was very sick for the last few days and the kids have been sick, too. I took Jessalynn home last night and Jess called me a little later saying Jessalynn was feeling sick and wanted me to come get her. Jeremy picked her up and I laid with her until she started throwing up, which made her feel better. Poor Jeremy slept on the couch and I had Jessalynn and Jaz in bed with me.
Now we have to get Nett moved into her place and then put our apartment back together. We put a lot of our things into storage to make room for Nett and her kids. I wanted her to stay with us at least a month to save a little more money before renting a place but the thing with Kira forced her to do it right away and now we're scrambling to get everything done.
Chaos.

Saturday Afternoon

Jeremy and Jeanette have gone with a truck to move her large things into storage. I gave the babies baths and did their hair. The big kids are playing outside, it is actually pretty nice out still. We are all working on organizing our coexistence in this apartment. It is nice having Jeanette with me even with the circumstances, I have missed so much with her. The kids are having a hard time, especially Jenise. She is such a tender little thing like her mother. It would help if Rob were on the right page with this and would work in her best interest. Hopefully he will catch on in time but for now he has forced Jeanette to exclude him from the kids lives. He is a very self centered man, can't even put his kids first, and he's not very bright which doesn't help either. He persists in trying to tell the kids that Mommy is bad and this is all her fault. He can't or doesn't want to see how harmful that is for the children's fragile feelings. I despise him but I would never bad mouth him to his children because they love him and because they know they are a part of him. Last night when Jenise asked why her Daddy broke his promise to see her I told her that sometimes people love you so much that they will promise they will do the things they wish they could and that they don't mean to hurt your feelings if they can't keep that promise for any reason. I think how very young Jim and I were when we split and am proud that neither of us ever tried to hurt Jami in any way to get back at each other. It doesn't seem hard at all to me for parents to figure this out if Jim and I could do it as teenagers.
I took Jeanette to an endocrinologist last week and the testing and then treatment for her Grave's Disease is started. She had the bloodwork to test for Graves and next week she will have the thyroid scan and then hopefully soon she will go through the radiation treatment. The doctor, who I think is good, put her on a heart medication to help her feel better while they go through all the required motions to get her treated. She is very, very, ill. She is skin and bones and always sweating and has a very hard time concentrating with her body going 500 mph right now. she is run down and worn out with the separation but still happier than she was married and living with Rob all these years. She and Jess see each other and talk a lot now and that makes my heart feel good. I do all I can to make things easier for her and help her through this. I don't know how she is holding up except that she is like me and just does whatever has to be done no matter what.
We are so broke it is frightening but I know we will work it all out. Jeremy losing his job right before the blow up is a terrible thing, not just financially, but for Jeremy's feelings, too. He doesn't feel right not working and would like to search more for work but we need him for so much else right now he hasn't had much chance to job hunt. I think this weekend will be our last chance to get Nett's things out of her old home so maybe we can get on a routine of some kind here.
Of course, the van is acting up again and I worry every day that it will be the last day we have it running. My atty called about a week ago and said that I would be getting my settlement on that wreck any time now but I have no idea what it will be. I try not to get my hopes up but I do hope it is enough to get us a vehicle that runs.
We got a letter from the DMV saying Jeremy has to pay $25.,000 for that cop car that hit him and we are frantically looking for the letter we got shortly after that wreck saying no one was considered at fault.
Jess is holding up well through all of this but I do worry when she might break from the stress, too. What Rob did to her is just unimaginable. I can better understand his father attacking Jeremy than Rob attacking Jessica and Jeremy in no way deserved to be attacked by that trailer trash family. Rob lies through his teeth still tyring to convince Nett that Jeremy attacked Bob even though Jeanette kept telling Rob she SAW it happen. But I have never known he or his family to set any stock in honesty or being honorable. I have hated seeing Jeanette act like them while with them for the last 14 years.
OK. Looks like Jeremy is back.

Almost Lost Kira

I was at the courthouse with Jeanette helping her file a restraining order against Rob when Kirk called and said Jami had left him a message saying she had walked out of Family Works. Fortunately, I already had Kira. Jami had called Wednesday night wanting me to go pick up Kira because she was planning on leaving FW. She was very upset, has been upset at FW for a while, but I told her that I couldn't get Kira then and that it would be best if she stayed where she was, safe with Kira, at least for the night. the next day KVC brought Kira here to visit Kirk and Jami asked them to leave Kira with me. FW knew Kira was with me but they still called the police and reported Kira missing when Jami left. Before I got home from the courthouse Kirk called and said that the police were searching the place he lives looking for Kira already. I was rushing home while on the phone with the new KVC case manager, Tad, trying to put out the fire. Tad said he would call DHS and I tried to call Kira's guardian ad lidem who wasn't in but her supervisor was and he started trying to stop the police orders to find Kira and put her in foster care. He couldn't find the papers that I was told they had saying that I would get Kira back if something like this happened. Without that document the police would have to take Kira. I got a call a little later from DHS saying that the police said they and come to my address and that a woman living at this address told them that I didn't live here but somehow also said that I had a bunch of people living with me and that I had gone to the courthouse but that I didn't have Kira. None of that made any sense. the police did NOT come here but I do have Nett and her kids living here and I was at the courthouse, something no one but Jeremy, Kirk, Jeanette and I knew. Now there was another fear of me not getting to keep Kira if someone made a stink about Nett and the kids being here. The woman from DHS seemed to finally believe the things I was saying, it wasn't hard to check that I still live here since KVC had brought Kira to me here the day before. She said that she would talk to the police again and to expect that the police or someone from DHS or someone from KVC would be showing up eventually. No one ever came yet. Jami finally called around dark and said that she was with the mother of a graduate from FW and that she was sitting at the Burger King up the road. She told me that she was planning to go stay with this woman in Bennington but ended up spending the night with Kirk at his friend's house where he stays.
Kirk called this morning nd said that Jami did go to Bennington this morning and that she does plan to return to FW before her time limit, they called me late yesterday and said that she could return within 48 hours, no harm, no foul.
know Jami s mentally ill in many ways, that the drugs weren't the whole problem. I wish she could be in a place that could help her with her mental illness more. I know FW tries in their way but I hear from everyone that FW is only another government funded sham of a place for helping people, that their funding is their biggest concern. Most of their guidelines and rules are kept or broken according to how it will effect their funding. Drug court is a joke. It is all a bad joke in so many ways. But FW is a temporary safe house for women with children, that much I believe. They are housed and watched over enough to keep them safer than they were on the streets doing drugs. The women can use it for the intended purpose if they choose or they can go through the motions of reform and go back to their old lives. No institution has been created that can really do much more than that.

Family Feud

We have had on hell of a week. Have I written in here that Jeanette told Rob she wants a divorce and hs been trying to get him to move out???? Wellllll, Nett was hanging out in the parking lot where she works talking to Pat and goofing off after work Thursday night and Rob's little sister, Sara, was in the parking lot across the street spying. Rob moved Sara in with them last month because her parents threw her out because they found out she is gay. (She's 19, dropped out of college to join Rob in being a alcoholic pot head.) Sara called Jeanette and told her she caught her and was going to go to their house to tell Rob. Jeremy and I got there right before Sara, and Jeremy went and banged on the basement door to try to get Rob up and talk to him first but Rob was passed out in there. Sara arrived and I met her in the kitchen and said I wanted to talk to her and she turned and went through the door to downstairs and slammed it in my face. I yanked it open and called her a little bitch adn told her to never do that again. She called her mother, Rob's step mother, Tracy, who showed up shortly but didn't say a word to me, both of them are scared of me, not sure why, but I'll take that if it helps. I told them to get Sara's things out and they went down and banged on rob's hideyhole door screaming it was an emergency until he answered it and they burst in and told him that Nett was having an affair. Rob started screaming and breaking things and Jeremy went down there and tried to calm him and to tell him that Sara was lying about what she saw, and she was, having assumed and elaborated a LOT. At first Tracy said that they would all leave and take Rob with them "even if we have to call his father", which is supposed to be a BIG threat because his dad, Bob, is supposedly a badass and Rob and they are terrified of him. Jeremy and I decided to stay, couldn't leave Nett there with all the times Rob has said he would kill her over much less, so we decided to stay the night. Tracy and Sara took a lot of Sara's things and left and we stayed upstairs with Nett and the sleeping kids listening to Rob scream, yell, and bang things around in the basement all night. Jeremy kept going down there to make sure Rob was OK and try to calm him, sometimes succeeding for brief periods of time. Friday morning we got the kids up for school and I left to get Jessalynn and while I wasa gone Rob came upstairs and told Jenise and Robby that they would never see him again because Mommy is bad and got them crying and freaking out with Jeremy trying to talk him into shutting the hell up. Nett got the kids calm and to schoool warning their teachers what happened, they did both have a good day at school distracted with Halloween parties nad candy. Sara returned in the morning and went down in the basement with Rob and after seeing her leave and come back with food and drink we figured out Rob wasn't planning to move out figuring Nett had no where to go. He didn't have the rent for their house anyhow having blown it on dope and all the BS he always blows money on and after talking to Nett about their financial situation I told her there was no way she could keep the house either even if it was safe to stay with Rob being able to return if he ever left. I told Jeanette she and the kids could have my apartment and Jeremy and I would move in with Jess or think of something. We started packing Nett and the kids and I had to go get kids from school. I was going to get Kirk to help load but was nervous that things could go bad and didn't want him involved and then Jessica offered to go stay at the house with Jeremy and help guard Jeanette especially since two of those in Rob's camp were female and might attack Nett. I picked up the kids from school and all at once Jess, Nett, and Jeremy were calling me all at once. Rob had gone upstairs to call Nett some choice names and Jess said something smart ass, think it was, Are you out of booze in your cave? and Sara and Tracy called Big Bad Daddy Bob. Bob came skidding up to the house and Jeremy was loading the van and Bob rushed Jeremy knocking him over. Jess ran and shoved Bob off Jeremy, she didn't really need to save Jeremy but, well, she didn't know how well Jeremy can take care of himself, and Jeremy proceeded to pound Big Bad Bob. Rob ran over and jumped Jessica picking her up and throwing her across the yard so far and hard she had grass stains down her back ( she is hurt pretty badly) and then Rob ran and started pulling her hair but she popped back and grabbed his hair and started popping him in the face. Bob told Jeremy he had enough and Jeremy let him up right away and got between Rob and Jess, funny Rob didn't try to fight with Jeremy, and the police were called. I wanted to take the kids to Kirk but Jeremy called again and said things were going bad, the police were about to arrest him and Jess instead of Rob and Bob, so I headed there. When I got there Rob and his family were standing up by the house, Bob was pouring blood, and the police had Jeanette, Jessica, and Jeremy sitting on the kirb in the street. When I pulled up they all started telling me what the police were saying, which was soooo wrong, and one officer interrupted them and said, Mam, you can't know what has gone on here, we know what we are doing. I said I knew more than them, that I had been there for the last 24 hours watching this build and that there was no voilence until Bob showed up. The cop said that Rob's friends and his family swore Jeremy jumped Bob and that Jess deserved what Rob did because she had had words with him before they called Bob. I was stunned. I told him that I knew, and every real man, and I assumed every cop, who I knew, knew that no man has the right to put his hands on a woman especially especially just for something she said and I asked when the assault rules had changed. He said Well, if I arrest Rob and Bob then I will arrest everyone here and he told me to leave. I left and took the kids to Kirk and went back to Nett's. The police and everyone except bleeding Bob were still there but by then the cops had figured out that Rob is nuts and they were being decent to my family even though they weren't changing their stand about the fight. The cops stayed parked out front a long time while we packed and loaded Nett in the vans and Robs mom and sis loaded his stuff. Rob tried to talk to me at one point, stupid man, saying he never wanted me to think badly of him, and I was still very pissed and said I could never even like him again and told him he was a punk to attack a little girl and why didn't he step up to fight a grown woman. He said he only did it because he thought his dad was in danger and I asked why he didn't attack the real threat, Jeremy? Then his Mom said, come on Rob, we can't reason with her, and I used a lot of self control and let that go and walked away. I had to concentrate on Nett who is so sick she can hardly stand and weighs about 100 pounds right now. She maybe should have thought before hanging out in front of where she works with Patrick even though they were just talking, not that there was any way she could know she was being followed and spied on, but she has't had a clear thought since her thyroid got so out of whack so I jsut feel very sorry for her.
I rented a garage to store Jeanette's furniture and stuff and our stuff to make more room in this tiny apartment.
Oh God. there is actually a LOT more drama but I will spare you. I will likely write a story about this in one of my websites, definitely going to slam Omaha's finest over their "help". I am very proud of Jeremy in this. Rob slammed him around a lot when Jeremy was going to the basement to try to calm him all night and Jeremy let him because he knew Rob was distraught and not right in the head, and drunk as a skunk, and I am proud of him for letting Big Bad Biker Bob up right away when he told Jeremy he had enough. bob's face looked like mince meat when I got there so he took a lot before he had the sense to give up. Jeremy didn't even get hit after the first rush. I am proud of Jess for trying to protect Jeremy even though she actually made it worse for him because he was fighting Bob and trying to pull Rob off her.
Now I have to prepare to take the kids trick or treating and make it fun.
I'll be back with the aftermath and unbelievable details.

The Caridiologist

I've been wearing a heart monitor since I was hospitalized Labor Day weekend because I have had problems since running a 104 temp. Today i saw the cardiologist to hear what he had to say about the heart readings I have been transmitting to them. He says that the fever I had was a virus that attacked my heart and damaged the lower chamber. He knows that much from the records from my hospital stay and the monitor I wore. I have to have a series of other tests so he can figure out how to fix the problem starting tomorrow and he said that maybe it could be controlled with a medications or, worst case scenario, a heart transplant, but that I am in good health otherwise so the outlook is good and no need to panic.... Really, the "episodes" aren't painful, just uncomfortable, and I'm sure I will get through this.
I'm going to drop my Broadband service for a while, I don't have a decent PC right now and have internet access on my phone although I can't seem to access this site from the phone. I'll have to find a blogsite that I can get to and move this or something.....
Jess has been disillusioned about her father lately, she can be a bit slow about some things, but it is good in the long run that she understand what a pitiful human he is and just stop expecting anything from him. I tell them to pity him that he has never really loved anyone and has no clue what it feels like to love anyone nor any appreciation for those who are unfortunate enough to love him. That has to be a no-life life. I would feel terrible that I wasted so many years with him but I don't see it that way because I realized how small a part he really played in our 22 years together. If someone asks about my X I immediately think of Jim, it is like Clown Shoes never happened . Jeanette told me the other day that she has at times since she was little been jealous of Jami having Jim for a father!! I told her that Jim wishes they were all his, too, and loves them all, and he does. He has his problems, but loving the kids has never been one of them. I have a lot of respect for Jim and really enjoy the relationship we have now and I love that he has Teresa and I have Jeremy and we all get along, one big happy family that takes care of each other however we can as it should be.
OK. I'm outa here.

Jaz is Two!!!!

Yesterday was Jaz's birthday but we are having her party this Saturday. Meez came last night and brought her a bunch of cool presents and he says he will come Saturday, too.I got screwed nd not even kissed by the people who handle claims American Family, Steve Deleanass, to be specific. The wrecker roadside assistance sent last time the van broke down hit the back of the van with the wrecker but they deny it even though a woman heard the crash and ran outside and accused the man. The wrecker company says that she is the one who hit the van and that she blamed them and that they didn't even load the van from behind anyway, that they never do. They picked it up from the rear that time and the time before as well. When I pointed out this lie to Steve Deleanass he accused ME pf lying!!!!!!!! I am changing insurance companies ASAP, getting quotes now, but that doesn't fix the van, poor thing.
My cell phone fell out the van window and got run over last week so I had to get a new phone.

I think the first day of fall was sometime last week. I had to give up Broadband for a while, I wouldn't have it back yet but Cricket sent me one of those Come back and get first month free fliers so I have it back for a month, maybe more.
We've spent most of the last three weeks with the van out of commission. the half shaft broke when Jeremy was driving it home from work one day. Patrick came and looked at it and said to tow it to his house and he would fix it. Once he got it there his neighbor, Pirate, looked at it and said that the shaft had broken because all three motor mounts were broken. We gave Pat $140. to do the half shaft and $220 to pirate to replace the motor mounts and it took them a week to get it done because Garcia tires had tightened the lug nuts too tight when they put tires on it last month and they ended up having to to drill them out. I picked up the van on a Friday and Monday I was driving Jess home and there was a terrible noise in the front end. I crept home with it and called Patrick who came and said the half shaft had broken again and to tow it back to his house. I was afraid to even call him because I knew how sick he was of working on it but he was a great sport about it. When he got it home he and Pirate looked at it and didn't see any reason the half shaft would have broken again so they concluded that the shaft they got must have been defective and they warrantied getting another one. Pat picked me up to get the van a few days later. I had Jessalynn with me and we got about a mile from Patrick's and the damn thing broke again. I tried to limp it back to Pat's but there was no driving it this time. I couldn't find my phone but a man was out on his porch by where we broke down and he let me use his phone but I couldn't remember anyone's number except my own. One of the crimes of Speed Dial. I wasn't sure where I left my phone but I kept calling it and after almost an hour Patrick answered it!!! He said it was in his car and he wouldn't have heard it but someone stopped by to see him and he heard the phone when he stepped out to talk to them. He took us home to wait for the new diagnosis. It rained the next night but the next he and Pirate got out there and looked and saw that the main new motor mount was broken again. It is supposed that it broke before the last time the shaft broke but they didn't look for that since they were new. The auto parts wouldn't warranty the shaft again but they did at least warranty the mount, another $70. for the shaft, and Pat had it done in that night. It feels OK, made it home and have used it to take Jessalynn to school and Jeremy to work, but it is WAY out of line from all the work but I have no clue how we will pay for it after all we have paid to get it fixed and fixed and fixed, somewhere over $500.
We had all kinds of plans for Labor Day weekend, Rocky Horror was showing and there was Septemberfest, but I had been running a high fever for four days by Friday and I was still trying to get ready to go to Rocky Horror when my heart started skipping beats and feeling pretty uncomfortable. tried to ignore it but it kept on so Jeremy insisted we go to the ER instead of RH and they ended up admitting me for the weekend. Of course Jeremy stayed at the hospital the whole time with me making them wheel a roll-away bed in for him, I had a private room. I was supposed to pick up a heart monitor to wear after I got out but then the van started its antics and I still haven't picked it up. Jaz has been with me and sick since I got the van, well, she has been here way before she got sick, but I can't get to the fifth floor at the Med Center with her with me unless I get the single stroller from Jeanette. On my list of things to do....
Jeanette and Rob moved into a house on NJ. 45th last weekend. It is less expensive than where they were, where they were several months behind on the rent, and I think it is a nicer house, too. Jenise transferred from Benson West to Fontenelle whee Robby is in pre-K a week before they moved. Nett had problems with BW and I'm not thrilled at the switch, not sure if Nici is either, but it is done for now.
Jami is still at FW with Kira and could be released from there in the next month if she has a plan for where to live and how to take care of Kira. I am not sure how I feel about it. I don't think she is ready to have Kira on her own yet, her ability to stay drug free hasn't been tested in the Free world at all, but I hope for the best. I nor KVC have anything to say about what goes on with her or Kira since Kira joined her at FW, Judge Johnson makes all of the decisions and sometimes I think he is pretty clueless. Not just my opinion, several official people have voiced similar comments about him and how lenient he is with those assigned to his drug court.

Stormy Night

A BIG storm blew through here this evening with wind gusts of 80 mph. I tried to go out and save my potted zuccini and the wind broke it as I was trying to get to it. Kira was screaming because the wind was blowing things in the door so I gave it up and came in and watched my little garden get battered. Jess lost power as soon as it hit, a lot of Omaha is still without power, but Jess got turned back on about 30 minutes ago. It was over pretty quick leaving Omaha a mess in its wake.
Tomorrow Kira goes to stay with Jami at Family Works. I will still be picking her up during the day until daycare is set up for her there and she will be able to come visit still, too. Jami will get her first four hour pass Saturday, I will pick her up at 8 and return her at noon. I know Jami hates it there but hope that something clicks with her to help her stay off drugs. She could be one of the hardest core addicts they have had to deal with there and I sometimes think they are out of their depth. I don't have any better ideas but I'm not convinced that they know what they are doing either.
Kira and Jaz are still fighting that bug. Kira also has a hellacious yeast infection in her diaper area that is making her miserable.
We are having a very hot July. Today was miserable in the 90's with the heat index around 115. I did 12 loads of laundry this morning and thought I was going to have another heat stroke. The laundromat was only a few degrees cooler than outside. It feels like Texas...
Time for sleep!

Kira's Transition

Kira has been spending more and more time with Jami at Family Works and will be joining Jami there full time maybe tonight. She is spending the night there and I am picking her up in the mornings until her day care is set up. Jami has been having a bit of a tough time with her. Kira doesn't sleep through the night there and wakes crying often. That should get better with time. Kira has always slept the night through here, she just isn't used to being there yet.
both Kira and Jaz are sick. I got Jeanette's kids last week and Riley was pretty sick when he got here. He went home the next day and the big kids stayed a few days. Kira and Jaz woke with runny noses two days after Riley was here. Kira still only has a cold but Jaz is having a tough time like she always does because of her asthma. We have it under control for now but still monitor her very closely.
Jessalynn went camping at Two Rivers over the weekend with Alexis's family and seems to have had a good time even though they got rained out the last night. Jess and I both worried about her being at the river with all the recent flooding but she made it home safe and sunburned.
Every thing is hard for me. I am in so much pan every day now I am afraid of what the future has for me. I asked Dr. Gold if maybe I should be tested or exrayed or something to see if there is anything new that is wrong or that can be done for me but he didn't even answer me. My eye is still swollen every morning. Not sure if that is normal or not....
All.

Fourth of July

Kirk is out back shooting off bottle rockets with the big kids. Nici and Robby didn't get to go to a firework show so I asked Kirk to come and shoot of what he has.
Jessalynn went to Alexis's house for the fourth so we went to Harrahs without her for the first time since we have been up here. BUT before that we went to the outdoor concert at Memorial Park for the first time. Every other year since we came to Omaha something has come up and we couldn't go. This year Kansas, Styx, and Foreigner were playing and the city expected to top the record 40,000 people who attended. 80,000 people showed up!!!! We got there late because Jeremy had to work. People were parking about a mile away by the time we got there. I dropped Jeremy off, Kansas had already played but he got there right as Styx was starting. I took Kira home for most of the concert and went back to get him but I couldn't get near the place to get him. Dodge street was closed off by then so I parked and we walked to the park texting Jeremy to meet up with him. He'd gotten pretty close to the stage, of course, and it was really crazy up there. People were comparing it to Woodstock and it smelled like skunks and there were a lot of drunks and people were body surfing the crowd and everything. The fireworks were awesome, I've never been that close to a big firework show. Leaving the park we got turned around in the crowd somehow and ended up walking a half mile the wrong way, turned around ,and found the van. I thought I wasn't going to make it a few times!! The traffic leaving the park was unbelievable, we wouldn't know that there were 80,000 people there until the next day but it looked like all of Omaha was driving away from Memorial Park.
I could barely walk the next day, my feet were so swollen I felt taller, but the pain is better today.
Jami had Kira for an overnight visit Saturday night. Kira seemed to enjoy herself. Jami called around noon Sunday saying she hurt her back and needed to go to an ER and could I come get Kira early. I told her Jeremy had the van so I couldn't go there before four. They were fine when I got there. Kira seemed to enjoy having the run of the place but Jami did look very tired from running after her.
I got all of the kids today. I'll likely keep all of them except Riley for a few days. Riley would have a meltdown if he was away from home for too long.
I saw Dr. Gold today. I asked if there was anything more that could be done for me and he pretty much said no.
I'm not accepting that.
OK. Out of here.
Peace!

The Big Hep C Scare

One of those things that happen to me. I got a call after I got home from my surgery that the doctor had cut himself while doing my surgery and would I come back in for blood tests. I went back and the next day Dr. Rosman's nurse called and told me that I had tested positive for Hep C antibodies. I asked how that could be, I don't shoot drugs etc. and she said it likely came from the hospital. I arranged to go in for tests to see if I have the building blocks of Hep C building up in my blood, hung up the phone, calmly told Jeremy and was looking for Kira's brush to do her hair and I just lost it, throwing things and kicking the cabinets, lasted about two minutes, and I was fine again. I had the blood drawn last Thursday and I was going to call for the results after taking the girls to school this morning. When I got my phone I noticed I'd missed a half dozen calls from the clinic so I called and was put on hold and I sat there waiting for someone to come on and tell me that life as it was was over. Dr. Rosman herself picked up the phone and she sounded as happy as she made me when she said the tests were negative!!!!!! I swear this was the longest weekend I have ever had to live through!!! And thank all of you who were praying for me, I think He must have heard because I knew my immune system wasn't going to put up a big fight on its own against anything.
I went to Family Works and signed up to be able to visit Jami and got to see her for a little while yesterday. She looks much better, has put on a little weight and is clear eyed. She readily admits to being strung out before going there now and I really hope she will succeed with this program but am worried still. I asked them for a success percentage rate for their program and no one knew it. Today Cheri told me they are too new to have a track record yet. Not the best news. Also, all of the other women there are much, much, younger than Jami and I couldn't shake the feeling that it would be so much better if I had found a program like this for her when it all first started. She is too used to doing whatever she has to do to be free again instead of trying to really get help and I worry that even if she is trying, old habits are very hard to break. Not just the drug habit but the habit of playing to get whatever she wants. This could be her last chance and I pray every minute that it will work but I am prepared to accept it and whatever the consequences are for her if it doesn't help her. She should be able to have Kira there with her by this weekend and that will tell every one more. Cheri is worried about the day care they will put Kira in, she says the kids going there have inch thick incident reports for being injured, hit, bitten, etc. while at that daycare!!!! A lot of this just makes me sick and Cheri is clearly the only one in the system who really cares about what will be best for Jami and Kira in the long run. The "system" remains so flawed it doesn't even deserve to be called a system!! It's just a mess of rules and laws and plans that go no where but spend the government money alloted to them.
Maybe next I will write about what I would do if I had the government funding they spend on problem families....

Four Days After Surgery

Better but still a pain in the eye. I'll be super glad when the healing is over.
Still no word from or about Jami. I hope she is doing well in there. I took a bunch of groceries up there for her when she got there but won't know if she needs more until I can have some contact with her. I think I took two weeks worth but she likely was very hungry. they provide one meal day at FW and expect them to have food stamps in place for the rest. Not sure if Jami has that yet although I know she applied. Cheri will be here today for Kirk's visit so maybe she will know something.
I accidentally stabbed myself in the finger yesterday to the bone. I was stupidly using a knife to try to open a sinus spray, I would have yelled at Jeremy for using a knife in that way! and am paying for it. It hurts like hell!!!!!
I picked up Jessalynn and Jaz last night. I've missed Jessalynn terribly while she was in OK with her father!!! I think she missed me, too, since she called me to come get her. And of course I couldn't get just her or Jaz would have had a fit and we love having both of them. Kira does, too. She gets bored without Jaz and then she is harder to take care of!!!! They are soooo sweet!!!!! I love how they cuddle the most. Jaz hangs on fr dear life and Kira just snuggles down in my lap rubbing her little face on me. I need to get Riley over her as soon as I am a little better. He is starting to love being with Grandma, too, and is a real sweetie himself. He looks soooo much like Robby did!!!
All for now. Trouble makers go to hell!!!!! You know who you are!!!!!
See you all later!!!!

Day After Surgery

It is finally over!!! I had my eye surgery yesterday morning. Waking up after was as bad as I expect and so was having to ride home with Jeremy driving after, but today it feels better than I dared hope it would. I still need a little percocet but I expect Iwon't need it beyond this weekend if that long. And I already don't see double anymore, even with the swelling the eye is open more.
The doctor called after I got home and said that he had cut himself working on my eye and that we both had to have bloodwork done right away. I went back to the hospital for it and he got the results right away, must be a perk of being a doctor because I have to wait days to get bloodwork results!! We are both disease free.
Jami checked into Family Works Monday. Right away they moved her to Campus for Hope for drug detox but she was returned to FW after three days there.
Oh, a note for someone who tried to stir up trouble over this blog between Jami and me. Your ignorance of the best things for Jami has always caused more harm than good and you will never get what you hope for from your useless interference.
Wow, I worded that much nicer than I thought I could.
Now time to sit around and heal.
See you all later!

Long Week

Summer school started Tuesday. I also took the babies and myself to the doctor. We all have bronchitis and a few ear infections, got antibiotics, getting better. Jaz had to be nebulized pretty often at first but is better now, only have to treat her a few times a day.
I got the kids to school late most days this week. I still feel pretty rough and am worried because I have to pass a physical Monday to be able to have my surgery next Friday. I got the paper work in the mail about the eye surgery, wish I hadn't read about it, it sounds like it is going to be horrible, but I'm this close, I am doing it if I pass that physical.
My family is running me ragged. I don't know how to protect myself from it but maybe I need to learn.

We're sick!!!

The babies and I are sick and I am afraid Jeremy and Jessalynn will come down with it, too. Kirk was coming down with something nasty at his last visit and we haven't been around anyone else sick that I know of. My head was spinning when I got up and I would fall if I turned my head too fast. Sore throat, yucky all over bug. I wanted to stay home but Jeanette called and reminded me it was the day to enroll Robby in pre-K so I drug myself out and went and got them. We went to the TAC building, I had called them earlier and they told me we didn't have to have Robby's birth certificate to enroll him, but when we got there they said that he wouldn't be placed in a class until we brought it so we rushed downtown and got it and then to his doctor for his shot records and back to the TAC building and three hours later it was done. I stopped at the store for milk and supper and came home in time for Jeremy to leave for work. He is normally off on Thursdays but is working tonight so he can be off for Robby's birthday party Saturday.
Jaz is already having trouble breathing, have to nebulize her every two hours, sure hope to not have to take her to the hospital this time!!
Kirk got a phone which will help him stay in touch with CPS and me. He said that Jami missed court this morning and then missed a bus she was supposed to be taking to see Carrie in Minnesota today. He sounds a little better, less confused and heartbroken, but I know he is still hoping to work things out with Jami somehow.
Yesterday little Michael, two doors down, puked in their dining room and Donetta is one of those people who absolutely can't take the smell of puke so I went and steam cleaned it with Odoban for them. She was so grateful I felt like a fraud taking all her thanks, it wasn't a big deal for me, sure am used to kids puking!!!!!

My Jeremy

I am very, very, worried about Jeremy. His shoulder is getting to be unbearably painful and his "doctor" at the Native American clinic won't give him anything for pain, not even cortizone shots which might help. Also his back has been hurting him a lot, I do all of the household chores these days, but I don't know how much longer he is going to be able to keep his job like this. I want him to at lest tell them he needs to work at the counter instead of back in the kitchen but he hasn't yet. I talked to him today about maybe getting a house and opening a home day care instead of him working at Popeyes and he looked like he might think ab out that if I could set it up. I am hoping to move to a house soon anyhow. We need a bigger place with a fenced yard for the kids. I think I could get out of the lease here if we can find a house and get the money together to move, deposits, utility transfers, etc.Also, Jeremy is having bad seizures even when he takes his medication. I have to find a way to get him an appointment we can make it to at the Winnebago Hospital where he can see a neurologist for his seizures. We would likely have to make that an overnight trip which is going to cost us, too, but I will find a way to do all of these things.
I will.

US

Caring for you
is selfish
caring for myself
because our souls are linked
though they belong
to someone else.
I breathe for us
and to hold my breath
would only quicken
to happen again
our earthly death.
My heart is not golden
my generosity a scam
I say
Are you OK?
just to see if I AM.

Kira in the Morning

After I take Jessalynn to school Kira is usually the first one to wake up. I go and get her out of her bed at the first whimper and carry her to the couch and sit with her in my lap while she wakes up. She snuggles warm against my chest rubbing her little face against me and I smell the sweet softness of her still so tiny for a 16 month old. After a little while she will look up at me with those big shiny blue eyes and reach up and give me a sloppy kiss to let me know she is ready for our morning games. She likes to turn my head away from her and then I snap my face back towards her and we both say Boo! and giggle. Then she grabs both of my hands and puts them to cover my face and Peek-a-boo starts for a while. Then we play all of our lap time games. She likes to make me make funny noises while she touches my lips and we work on learning the parts of our faces and I get lots of giggles and kisses. Out morning time is usually about thirty minutes and I try to engrave every minute on my heart like I did with all my girls and now all my grandchildren. This morning time together is our favorite time together.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day started with a text from Jami. I had all six kids here so it wasn't much of a break for me or anything but it was kind of nice. Jeremy came home early from work and brought me a Subway and took over the kids so I could take a nap. Jeanette came and got her kids while I was napping and left a bouquet or flowers by me on the bed. I got the most beautiful and mushy card from Jess, I love it! and she sent Jessalynn a card from Padukah, too. Jeremy cooked a steak dinner for supper and I went back to bed stuffed and had the best sleep I have had in ages. Sleep , food, and child care, Jeremy couldn't have done better for me!!!!!

Sick Babies!!!!!!

Jessalynn has been sick since Nett's kids were here and then Kira cried from midnight to 4 am and Jess says Jaz did the same. Their tummies hurt them and now they have the snottiest noses on top of that. jess brought me Jaz today because she is desperate not to get sick, I already have it, and also Jaz is the only one running a hight fever and will likely end up in the ER as usual. Kira at least was playing and smiling today, Jaz is just miserable.
The good news is that I finally found a double stroller on Craig's List for $50. and I already went and got it before someone else did. It is really nice and should make life a little easier with the babies. I should have a triple for when Riley is with us but I couldn't find one of those. But I mostly have the two.

Sick Babies!!!!!!

Jessalynn has been sick since Nett's kids were here and then Kira cried from midnight to 4 am and Jess says Jaz did the same. Their tummies hurt them and now they have the snottiest noses on top of that. jess brought me Jaz today because she is desperate not to get sick, I already have it, and also Jaz is the only one running a hight fever and will likely end up in the ER as usual. Kira at least was playing and smiling today, Jaz is just miserable.
The good news is that I finally found a double stroller on Craig's List for $50. and I already went and got it before someone else did. It is really nice and should make life a little easier with the babies. I should have a triple for when Riley is with us but I couldn't find one of those. But I mostly have the two.