Nett's birthday party

 ...somehow went off beautifully. Jeanette was 3 hours late, I wondered if that was a record for her and everyone said no but no one could name later time.  I was scared of it being a disaster mostly because Jess had been preparing for the day for over a week and started prepping 3 days before.  The only thing wrong with the meal was the potato salad,  my big contribution! but no one could figure out exactly what was wrong with it.  Today it hit me  - I didn't remember adding the boiled eggs because I didn't! 🫤 Jess made 2 cakes, the German Chocolate one Jeanette requested and then one of her fancy masterpieces and they were both fantastic.  There was no friction or conflict, just Family together ❤️.  Jenise and Phillip came early and helped set up.  

OMG we were sitting on the deck taking a break and Phillip said,  "Grandma, don't panic or move" and I just froze.  He knows better than anyone how terrified I am of wasps after last summer and he saw one land on my leg and then onto the cigarette in my mouth.  My eyes must have been huge when I saw it!!! "Phillip said,  "Now just drop it" and I opened my lips and let the cigarette fall and the little asshole flew off.  I said how they didn't seem to know me,  recognize me, any more and Phillip smugly said,  "That's because I killed all of those!" and he can be smug all he wants because that's so true!!

Back to the party.  It was all I could hope for for Jeanette and for Jess. For all of us. A truly Great Day. 😆💓❤️💞💕💗💕💕❤️❣️

Our Riley, ❤️!

 Nett was at work Wednesday night and saw a gang banger friend of Riley's trying to steal her car.  The fuel pump is out,  he just got it into the street and left it.  She texted me about it when she got home and I called and said I was coming over,  bringing Jami and Dave to at least push her car back in the driveway.  She didn't call the police because,  well,  they are scared of this guy!! She was Hot Pissed off and so was I and both of us wondering what Riley knew.  I called Riley on the way.  He wasn't "in on" it but kept insisting the boy was his "homie" and that he was sure he wasn't stealing Nett's car!! It took me forever to understand this! I've thought that Riley's Probation Officer was saying that Riley didn't understand right and wrong, or even his Miranda rights, I thought she was just saying that to get him off.  I was in Big Time denial that it was true! So Riley is telling me the guy was just going to drive the car a little and I'm screaming at him that driving without permission is STEALING and we aren't understanding each other.  I pull up and bust in the house where Nett is yelling the same things at Riley and I finally hear Jami who had been trying to shut me up all the way in the car on the phone "MOM! YOU ARE FUCKING UP!! HE CANT TAKE THIS! MOM!!! HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND!!!" and I finally stopped and Heard Her.  Nett came outside with us and we all took a beat and let Riley,  who was crying now,  retreat to his room.  Jeanette said that she had actually called him a Retard!!! OMG I'm so glad I'm not the one dealing with That guilt!!!!!! But I Never would!! Period. Robby came out and we pushed the car up the drive into the range of the ring cam and Riley came out and took off walking.  I asked Jeanette where he was most likely headed and she said to Jackson's house in Elkhorn. Jami, Dave and I loaded up and I used 360, with them as look outs, to find him. We caught up with him around 135th and Maple. Jami asked him to get in, and he said no, so she said that I wouldn't say another word to him if he would get in and let us give him a ride. That or the fact that it was raining made him get in. He was talking, saying how very badly his mom hurt his feelings and that he still didn't understand what the deal was BUT also he thought his mom just shouldn't treat him that way and call him Retard. Jami and Dave agreed with him, told him Nett felt terrible and that we all love and want to help him. Near Jackson's house we ran into Jackson walking to meet him. When Riley got out he came to my door and hugged me 3 times telling me that he loved me and that he Knows that I Love him. The next day I texted Jeanette that we should get together and Love Bomb Riley and figure out how to help him and keep him safe.  She agreed. But then at 3 am Riley called me crying his guts out, said his mom came home from work yelling at him, calling him retarded more, threatening to turn him over to his PO, saying Riley doesn't love her. I offered to go get him but he didn't want that.  I texted Nett, didn't say I was talking to Riley, just asking what was going on. I'll copy it in here maybe!? I don't remember how it went but she did say she didn't believe that the boys love her. She says that ofen. I told her, always tell her, they love her more than anything in the word, AND THATS ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!! but she can't believe it right not.  Some of it is her own insecurity, but it also is just the boys being teenagers. I was on the phone with Riley till 5 am. We talked about him coming to stay with me for a while and I think he might.  Maybe he and Jeanette just need a break.  Then I slept most of the day,  until Jenise called from work saying that Robby has texted her that Riley was in big trouble but Robby deleted the message before she read it all and she was about to leave work to go check on them.  I told her no,  that I was already headed out the door,  and I was.  100 mph down 680 and slightly slower on Maple Street. I think I broke Philip's 10 minute record getting there.  Jeanette was just leaving,  I passed her in the trailer park exit. We both stopped and I said I was stopping to check on the boys for her.  She said something like that they needed checked on,  looked stressed and pissed. I told her I would handle whatever it was.  I got to Nett's and Riley was crying and flipping out,  Robby was trying to talk to him but saying the wrong things to help (like all of us do at times) but I was IN TUNE this time and I went in Riley's room and sorted it out. It was a lot more than the issue with his mother! - Jackson has been his best friend for a long , long, time, and he texted Riley after Riley got home that afternoon that he hated him,  that Riley was weird,  that they weren't friends, that he was coming to fight.  So I get Riley talking about what all they did today and he just kind of by and by mentioned that Jackson had a girlfriend and this girlfriend was around today and that she had asked Jackson for Riley's phone number! When Riley said that I told him, "There is your problem! Jackson didn't just suddenly start hating you, he is jealous!". Riley said "How could he be jealous? He didn't even know that his girl started texting and calling me after that!??" and I said "Riley, that doesn't matter! She asked him for your number he's jealous!". That's that. And there's no problem with Jackson beating Riley up cuz, truthfully, I could probably beat Jackson up! that's not even the issue. The issue was losing somebody who had been his friend for that long while dealing with all this from his mom. And no, I don't understand if his mother keeps saying that he's retarded, I just don't get that. She felt so bad about that last night! I don't know what's going on with that, I just know that I was there to help Riley right then.  I asked Riley what I should do, did he want to go home with me? and he said, not yet. So then Robby wanted to go to Keegan's house and I told him I would take him to give them some space from each other and give Riley some time alone to cool down. I texted Jeanette that I was doing that and she seemed okay with it so I hope it's over, peaceful, there, for now at least. I need to get Riley to stay over here a while or go stay with Jenise or something. They need some space there. 

I used voice texting for the last part of this so people's names are spelled wrong but I'll go back and fix that later when I fix all the typos I made before I started doing this and when I fix all the times this voice text thing didn't understand exactly what I was saying but I think I just wanted to get this story in here before I forgot it cuz it's something I have to deal with and can't forget.

I love this little family SO MUCH!!!!! Every one of them mean the world to me.  

Im going to try to call Riley.

ER - DID THAT

 Yea,  it got so bad I actually went.  The thrush started blocking my throat,  breathing and swallowing were becoming a thing of the past,  and I wasn't quite ready to Be a thing of the past.   

One small thing - I lied about what might have caused my condition.  I wanted it treated right away without any time delay complications.  I know thrush This Bad without a direct cause i.e. steroid or antibiotic use,  can be a big Red Flag. I will make an appointment soon to look for those little details.  I wanted/ needed immediate help with the immediate issue. I have 3 weeks of medications to keep this under control until I can take care of whatever tests I need.  I don't have HIV, cancer,  maybe??,  (could explain the weight loss!) but the most likely culprit would be that my glucose is off again.  I'll start testing for that myself today.  

But oh oh oh!! This Dr, Lauren at Benson CHI isn't my favorite, even tho I have to admit she is one of the most thorough in urgent care, and maybe the most current on medication and some disease information,  but she gave me the diflucan i4 always have to fight to get AND she recommended that I try Clortrimizan Lozenges instead of the normal nistatin. First,  it tastes SO MUCH better than nistatin!!! (like those old candy cigarettes!😀) but I believe it might work better, too! I didn't even know that athletes foot cream came in pill form or that it would be delicious!!  The pain was Way Less right away but kicked back up after a couple of hours and I was sad about that until I looked and saw that they are a 5 times a day med!!! I told Jeanette right away,  she has yeast problems even worse than me! and she hasn't heard of it either.  She jumped right on that detail that I shouldn't even have this issue this badly.  But she also went straight to me needing glucose testing.  Whatever.  Maybe this will help both of us.  

I do get thrush from time to time but this was different. I was driving yesterday and my back hurt terrible and then my lower abdomen until I realized that the familiar feeling was Exactly like menstrual cramps with a bad yeast  infection + endometriosis, except I don't have a uterus or ovaries or, hopefully! endometriosis.  Hmm. Need more government funding for research.  

Triple dose of stress ~ I AM BROKE.  Not a little short on cash.  BROKE. Need to get out on a street corner with a sign BROKE. I've even been figuring out what verbage I would use for my sign.  Kira put gas in the van last night,  Jazz already did,  and there are 5 days of this month left...  I just HATE THIS. Paying the house insurance at $530 a month is killing me and as soon as I finish that for the year I have to find $1400 for property taxes in July and then in a few months I'll have to start paying on the next $2500 house insurance!!!!! I know i need to get some kind of a job but that is not possible with being Uber for the girls.  They plan to buy cars (with the money they have saved while I've gone broke!!) by September but I don't think either of them can see the reality of buying their own gasoline,  car insurance,  and car maintenance and I will be asked to help them or keep driving them after September.  Hoping that Jessalynn would some day pay that forward was so ridiculous!! SHE doesn't grasp or care that I was even helping her. Ever. I just needed to mature and learn to talk and think like an adult like her. Patronizing says it all.  (Yes. I knew who/ what she was long ago. I just need to Stop thinking that people will rise above who they have been.  Foolish.) (The only way she Rose Above was to get a clear view of looking down on me! 🤣) kira is a bit like her but more honest about it and innocent in her thinking.  Kira tells me it is my OBLIGATION to drive them so they can make money, and she truly believes that! which tops just not giving a shit. Jeanette, Jazz, Jenise and even Riley  understand a little gratitude.   So I myself don't mind doing with even less to help them! But there is no robbing Peter to pay Paul even possible right now. Peter, Paul, and Mary are broke.  So WHAT TO DO. And of course Jeanette's car is broke down right now!! Jenise and Phillip have been helping her but they might not be able to after tomorrow.  I used to borrow from Meezy, and pay him back!! but he unfairly acts like JESS owes him if he helps me,  anything to get his hooks back in her!!     I am probably going to try to make a deal with Jazz but only if I can make it profitable to her in the long run,  pay her a high interest on the loan.  I have things I can sell,  maybe make an Ebay store? but that's not immediate help.  I'll also find out when Jami gets paid and I know Dave will come up with whatever he can.  He should be able to start working again but I don't think he'll get daily pay! So. Here. I. Sit.  Yea! I've lived to 67!!  BOO! HISS! It's Way More 😩 than joy!!

ER Time

 I just need time to go to the ER!! I feel terrible, thrush, sharp sharp headache in front like the aneurysm,  low abdomen pain,  what the hell - i don't even understand having the thrush. The rest is too much.  But when to get help?? I should have just gone after i picked up Jazz from work.  Then Kira has cheer in the morning and then I start helping Nett with transportation between driving the girls to and from work - i wish I could just give Nett the van for her to do it all but that wouldn't work with he work schedule and the girls work schedules. Maybe i can go to an urgent care while Kira is at cheer practice in the morning.  

Shoulda gone tonight.  Maybe still should.  Don't think I will sleep.  I've hardly slept the last 3 days.  This sucks. 

5 am

 One of those nights.  No sleep.  I just wish the sun would come up so I can tend the garden.  The watermelons popped up yesterday 🙂 I hope they make it.  2 more zucchini,  green ones,  are sprouting and I have 3 new cucumber sprouts and a lot of carrots and radishes coming up.  I'm stagger planting some things in case the first ones peter out or just don't work. I do love doing all of this!! I love that it keeps me outside,  too. 

I go a little crazy with not being able to control how much I spend on utilities, groceries and household things. When I tried to start using the AC late to save money Jess and Kira got so angry 😠 that I gave up.  Nova pooped on Kira's bed and she actually complained that she was freezing in her room without her thick blanets!! I'm freezing right now. And I'm the one paying for this!! No. I don't say anything about the AC or the heating in the winter or about buying coffees that are to me ridiculously expensive. Elaborate meals that cost over $20 to prepare all the time.  Name brand almost everything. No.  I just go out and work in the yard every day that I can walk that far and it isn't raining.  I thought i might not be able to handle the recent 100 degree days outside but it wasn't so bad.  I was out of the house. 

Jami the hero

 Yep. Jami took one for the team today and got my van fixed.  Kind of a joke there. She Did get a friend of hers to fix the van, but she didn't even have to offer anything in return.  Yes,  Nett and Jami have been known to offer favors for helping me,  but they never pay up more than they would have wanted to,  it's not prostitution!! but sometimes they have used their wiles to get things done.  Riley says he doesn't have a problem with the system. He says if guys are doing things and expecting more than they get for it that's their problem 😅! These kids can Crack me up!! But Jami looked at the van last night and told me she was sure I didn't ruin it, that the worst news would be if it needed a water pump but she was pretty sure it was just the thermostat (things I would have realized if I hadn't gone into panic mode!) (Hell,  I taught her what to look for!!) and Mike Boyles confirmed the diagnosis and then replaced it this morning 😁. M. Boyles helped me get thru Jami's coma,  he has been thru the same, and he messaged with me and kept me somewhat calm. Yes,  he's a Meth man, I'm pretty sure that everyone Jami knows is,  but he's a decent one from what I have seen.  

Oh, and Mike says that the way I got it home,  stopping and letting it cool whenever it got to 240 degrees, and several times it was 250 by the time I could pull it over, but he said that I saved the van from getting too much damage doing that.  Tip I have to remember but hope I never need to know it again...

So, I have a vehicle again and can go back to being Uber for the kids.  

Did I REALLY want this???? I guess so.??

Today I became Aware

 of how vulnerable I truly am. Almost helpless.  The van started overheating.  It would shoot up to 250 degrees within a few blocks so I drove home from 50th and Ames stopping every few blocks to let the motor cool.  It was 100 degrees today,  too hot to have the windows down.  Also too hot to have the heat full blast,  but I did to try to keep the motor cool. And there I sat, pausing over and over in places I would never choose to be,  old, can barely walk,  no weapons or even mace.  Alone. When finally got home I just shut myself in my room and cried.  Horrified that I had been afraid.  And Aware. 

Reality truly sucks.

PT w/Dr. J

 I started PT today for me knee and I am hopeful for the first time in s long time that I could be able to walk every day again.  Dr. Jay explained everything very clearly and then explained what he plans to do.  The ball joints in my knees are roughened and scraping when I move.  He wants to train the muscles around them to do more of the work when I move to stress the ball joints less.  Maybe.  

Maybe this will work. 

The girls in Lincoln

 The girls are in Lincoln for a few days,  I believe to help them move. The house feels STILL with them gone.  With Dave and Jami sleeping days it feels like is just Jess and me here but,  weird,  the house doesn't feel empty so much as Still. Like it's holding it's breath waiting for them to come back.  

I will like Not having to chauffeur then around.  I don't mind Jazz so much but Kira, with her "it's your OBLIGATION to drive me to work" BS is just insane.  So Much of this generation has no clue what gratitude is!!! Or obligation for that matter.  I will be relieved to be thru with them but then I will also probably be dead,  no time left to live my own life.  It was always going to happen Some Day. I used to pray every night to live until my daughters were 18. Just let me live to raise them!! and extra time to do some things that I couldn't do while raising children would just be a cherry on top. Then I chose to help raise the grandchildren.  I actually had some idea that if I could just get Jessalynn thru both school and college it would at least show the younger ones the way and maybe she would even help them.  (I'm a comedian) Then I adopted Kira and took guardianship of Jasmine. Choices I made, don't regret! but that cherry on top was pushed back so far I can't see it.  I NEVER expected to make it this long!, was always making Plan B plans for if I died before they were raised.  And whadya know,  her I am greedily hoping to at least see the beginning of Eliot's life!! But,  Oh!! Those days sister-in-law Judy and I used to talk about,  when we would just be sitting on our porch in our rocking chair passing a joint!! But not only am I allergic to THC but Judy is dead and I will see her soon.  I wonder if she made it to her porch before she died?? I'm pretty sure I won't.  I could have Elliot and my porch if I live long enough. At least I (dear God) won't be raising my great grandson. 

But I have to keep on for Jazz and Kira right now. They should at least be driving by next fall.  If they don't have cars they can have mine.  Thankful for delivery services!! Jeanette and Jenise will get the boys through.  

Jazz and Kira, please. Maybe my rocking chair.  My cherry on top.  

Maybe. 

I worry the world will go to shit before the grandchildren's lives are over.  War, the grid going down,  things I have tried to plan for in my head but absolutely won't be here to guide them thru.  They will survive or they will join me in whatever comes next.  I'll be outa here. 

Working my ass off!!

 I've been in the garden all day except I took Jazz to work at 5. It's been a 90 degree day and I sure am feeling it! I cut out the little trees trying to go thru the fence and pulled the weeds there,  too.  Dug out around the big maple tree.  Then I've been hauling dirt and filling the walkway thru the middle of the garden so I can fence it and still get at everything.  I scraped the caterpillar eggs off of every leaf on my plants and killed any little ones that had hatched when I first got out here. So glad I didn't have that surgery and give up my close up sight!! I take a break whenever I feel like I'm going to break.  Just ten minutes gets the pain under control most of the time.  Taking one now.  It will be dark soon so I have to hurry.  I want to plant a few things before it rains again.  Ok. Here I go.  

My garden

 I have to get another round of seeds in the ground today and put up my fence.  And putting up the fence means making the "walkway" I'm pouring in safe to walk in.  I have big flat (Sort of) chunks of cement that I dug up as ' stepping stones' but they are uneven, unsteady,  and I fall a LOT trying to walk on them.  I am very excited that I actually got this started early enough this year!! I'm off and sick in the spring I think because I have so many different allergies. I know I couldn't even get out of bed in the spring most of the time when we lived on the farm. New paragraph well that didn't work so well. Jamie taught me how to use speech to text on this phone and I am trying it right now since I evidently have a million typos for each sentence and not all of them are funny. New paragraph how the hell do I get it to do a new paragraph that might drive me crazy. End of paragraph okay that didn't work either.!

Thru heat and pain

 I worked until 3pm ignoring the heat and pain and got a lot done in my garden but not nearly as much as I hoped.  I'm excited that the girls will be in Lincoln next Tuesday and Wednesday and i will get a break from chauffeuring then around.  I REALLY HATE IT. And Kira's attitude makes it so very much worse.  Absolutely No Gratitude because she believes that driving them is my OBLIGATION.  Unbelievable.  She should be taking a bus with that attitude. I KNOW the bus runs to the mall and probably to the zoo or near it.  

Anyway, I will have 2 uninterrupted days but,  just my luck, it is forecast to rain on those days,  I just hope they at wrong a they so often are!!

Sherah

 I got up and started working in the garden and then remembered that Jess wanted to go to the laundromat today. I told her I wanted to just go alone and do her laundry because I didn't wasn't to stress if she was ok or worried about Nova at home.  It took some convincing but she let me do it.  Jenise showed up as I was getting ready to leave so I asked her to follow me there and we could hang out while the laundry washed.  It was great having her company!! She is very obviously pregnant now!! 🙃🫠😀 I didn't let her carry anything - I won't risk this baby for Anything!! We loaded the washer and went across to Pepperjax and got lunch.  Jenise had to go shortly after I moved the laundry to the dryers 🙁 and then I found out what was hard for me to do - folding. I forgot that my use of my arms is very limited without severe pain.  I had to stop several times and try to meditate beyond the pain! I almost gave up and just bundled it all and went home but then i pictured Jess having to finish and I got it done.  Jess did have to unload the van, it was time to admit I needed help! I took Gabriella out and piddles in the garden a little until it was time to get Kira. Then I went back to my garden until it was too dark to see what I was doing and then  I drilled our what was going to be my compost bin. Jami had come out and kept me company while I worked,  which was really nice! but then she went in and cut watermelon for us and we stood in the kitchen wolfing down the sweetest watermelon until Jess came in and reminded me I had to pick up Jasmine.  Jami rode with me and I tore out of here praying Jazz wouldn't get off on time so I wouldn't be late and she was 10 minutes late so we were good.  I hope I'm never late to get her again!! She doesn't get mad at me like Kira does,  she's smart, she is just so disappointed in me that I feel terribly.  

What a long day! I hope i don't pay for it tomorrow. 

It was The Best Birthday

 Jess really outdid herself yesterday!! I knew there was some kind of plan for my BD. Jess has asked if i was ok with going somewhere Saturday morning and then Jenise knew something and said that she might go, too, and that i shouldn't worry,  my mother approved.  Jenise said she probably couldn't go but then yesterday morning when she and Phillip walked in the house i knew it was ON and it was going to be great. Phillip drove,  (the only person on earth whose driving i trust) and Jess said we could bring the dogs so I figured we were headed for the park.  Wrong. We went to the Old Market and I saw the stalls set up and asked "Is that the Farmers Market? I've always wanted to go to that!" And we did!! It felt like being at the Renaissance Fair or a Texas flea market!! I was happy with that but then Jess said, "We have to take the dogs home for the next part" so there was more!! Next we pulled up at the Joslyn Art Museum!!!! and there was a sign saying there was a Japanese water display inside!!!! One thing I had stressed about all week was worrying what they were going to spend but these things were Free!! It was Brilliant!! Then Dave and Jami picked Kira up from work and did the shopping for Jess and Jazz didn't work so I didn't have to do Anything.  Jess made my new favorite,  gnocci,  I ate a big plate,  then amazing chocolate cake,  and knocked out. 

I got other gifts, too, and I hear there are more to come.  Nett had to work 😕 so I haven't seen her yet.  Kira gave me a water bottle like hers. I filled it with ice water right away and it still had ice in it this morning!!!! 

Ok. I guess I don't mind surviving until this birthday but I really hope I'm not starting another 22 year punishment phase!!

Happy Birthday 🎂 🥳 🎉

 I came home last night to balloons on the mail box and the house decorated.  Why do we feel embarrassed when someone does something like that???? I wish I was still asleep but had to take Kira to work so my day has begun.  

Authoring

 I started writing when I was 8. It started with a little journal that I started writing poetry in.  Then I wrote short stories,  then long poems that were stories.  In Junior High I won my first writing contest for writing "How I Escaped From the Savage Natives on a South Pacific Island", a sci-fi,  fantasy, action comedy that hung in a glass case for years at Beverly Hills Intermediate.  In 9th grade I wrote and performed in a rhyming play a la Shakespeare for Health Class that the teacher sent to Weightwtchers Anonymous who asked for permission to use and perform it.  EVERYONE,  including me! said I would end up being a Great Writer.  Well, my father changed his mind and said that I would have to give it up someday because he was sure I would be a mathematician or engineer,  but that's a different story.  My first side hustle was selling poetry to students in my high school for their poetry class.  During my teen years I would go to parties and sit in the corner and write poems for people to give to their girlfriends,  boyfriend,  etc. I loved having people tell me what they wanted to say and then making it into a poem for them.  I wrote a poem for Jim Cooper that was his final wishes.  Funny,  almost 50 years ago and I can still see Jim sitting up on a console stereo while I sat below him scribbling frantically to keep up 🙂. I have a poetry page in here somewhere that has a scattering of my poetry but it is only what I could still remember 10 years or so ago,  just a tiny fraction of what I wrote,  but at least some of the best,  including Jim's will, which wasn't nearly one of my best! just one that stuck in my head. I wrote and performed in another poetry play about dentistry while working for Dental Health Alliance at Sitel telemarketing.  I had an extra muse then,  author/artist/actor Rodger Gerberding, whose admiration pulled capability out of me that I've seldom experienced,  thank you, Rodger❣️ I was in my thirties then.  Still thinking I would eventually start writing the novels everyone expected from me.  Then I sadly wrote a couple of eulogies, the one for Jackie Lynn and the one for my mothet are also in the poetry page here.  After the one for Mom I started feeling like I was struggling to write and I have written very little since then.  I think it started with looking back and deciding that 90% of what I had written was actually pure crap.  Then it felt like my muse was slipping away.  Not Rodger, but the muse I believed had been writing for me all my life. 10 years ago while we were living in the Yellow House I started writing again on my Fire tablet and I wrote my last "good" story poem about a runaway slave traveling north to escape bondage. I felt my muse Hugely. I knew really nothing about the subject,  it was one of those that seemed to come from beyond me.  I broke that tablet in a fight with Jeremy and lost all of my writing on it.  And haven't been able to write Anything since. I am old now,  when I was sure I would be writing my novels, if I survived this long! but I have nothing.  No muse,  no brilliance.  NOTHING. I have a lot of brain damage but my muse left long before brain bleeds and White Matter Disease.  It could be partly that I don't have half the confidence.  Is that even the right word?? I no longer feel like I have anything worthwhile to offer and that feeling compounds and grows daily. Maybe it's looking at the mess of the lives I have influenced and how few people actually look up to or even have any respect for me.  Being in your 60's and realizing you have been/are a huge fuck up can destroy you!! And also my Old Age is nothing like I hoped it would be if I made it here.  If I saw old age, I saw no longer having responsibilities for kids etc. and time to do whatever I pleased. That hasn't happened!! I have 2 daughters who will always need some kind of help and I am still raising their children.  Driving kids to school and work Every Day and trying to run a household with 6 people on less than$2000 a month. True, if I really was going to Do It I have hours between driving kids most days that I could be writing ?? but again,  no muse and nothing to offer.  I'm a jet circling the tower waiting for permission to land,  in a holding pattern,  and I know now that the end is a crash.  If by some miracle I am still alive when the last grandchildren leave home and I have figured out how to sustain Jami and Jess I Could Have that "free" time. But again. No muse. Nothing to offer.  If I went totally mute no one would miss my voice, Kira would rejoice! and that's just the honest truth.  I'm not feeling any self pity there.  I don't exactly know how/why but I Know it is my own fault even if it was never my intention.  It's more than just no longer being relevant.  I'm looking every minute for the explanation,  how did I fuck it all so badly? but the answer to that is somewhere beyond me still.  Self realization is so difficult!! and there is that fear that I actually know the answer but somehow can't bring it forth because I can't bear it.  Self destructive self preservation. Involuntary protective delusion.  I don't know. Anything.

67?

 That must be correct?? Almost there. My friend Fred days he eats steak and eggs and works out twice a day to keep in shape.  I had no real reply to that message.  I just happen to still be here!! Brain aneurysm,  3 big brain bleeds,  microbleeds all over my brain supposed to be killing me.  And here I am. Pack a day.  Literally wasting away they say. And here I am.  Some people actually say "You are supposed to be here!" like they know something.  Maybe Jeanette knows.  She days this life is actually a punishment.  When she said it is thought/ hoped she mentioned that the torture is run in 22 year cycles because I was done with them.  I was 66. If I live 3 days more I will be 67. 

I'm sure I have experienced Joy. I know i have even if I don't remember. Isn't it always tinged?? It's a beautiful new baby! 😀😃😄 that you will worry about,  fear for,  and dread the day they are gone.  Tinge. It's the whole silver lining thing seen realistically.  The cloud doesn't always come first.  Not in punitive life! 

3 days.  

One of those days

 when I am 99% sure this life just isn't worth anything.  I always have some anxiety and maybe depression when my heart is "acting up". Usually you aren't even aware of your heart functioning.  It just does it's job.  Efficiently.  Quietly.  Then days like this when it feels like it is shaking around in your chest and you are pretty sure that it will just stop beating during one of these kind of days.  Not pain.  Not even really discomfort.  Just knowing it's not working right and then the awareness that everything will stop working when it gets too tired.  Too old.  Too abused to keep beating.  Then awareness that it doesn't really matter all that much.  That grip of panic that Jess, some others,  will have a hard time surviving without me,  it gets less.  Maybe it just diminishes in the eventual inevitably.  I think,  I'm So Tired.