when I am 99% sure this life just isn't worth anything. I always have some anxiety and maybe depression when my heart is "acting up". Usually you aren't even aware of your heart functioning. It just does it's job. Efficiently. Quietly. Then days like this when it feels like it is shaking around in your chest and you are pretty sure that it will just stop beating during one of these kind of days. Not pain. Not even really discomfort. Just knowing it's not working right and then the awareness that everything will stop working when it gets too tired. Too old. Too abused to keep beating. Then awareness that it doesn't really matter all that much. That grip of panic that Jess, some others, will have a hard time surviving without me, it gets less. Maybe it just diminishes in the eventual inevitably. I think, I'm So Tired.
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