ROOT

 This insurance sucks.  There is a 30 day "test drive" where everything is monitored and I cant touch my phone even at red lights or at all when the girls are driving. Kira and I both hit a curb yesterday so my score so far is 8 out of 10. I'm going to have to find a different insurance company. 

Jess Perioral Dermatitis

 I finally got Jess to see a doctor about her rash.  Still no medicaid,  but i got her into Charles Drew,  no copay first visit,  then it will be $30, probably the best deal I can find for her right now.  I'm not sure if county help still exists or if it would even help her.  It's an oddball diagnosis,  meaning no one is sure what causes it OR how to treat it.  It looks like they have only decided what to call it.  The main recommended antibiotic online is Tetracycline,  at least not something we have tried although Doxycycline is a derivative of it.  I just hope it works.  The med was about $50 - something is not getting paid!! but I HAD to do this!! She has been miserable and it has just gone on for too long!!

Pray this works.  Jeanette and I are pretty much all Jess has to help her.  Meezy will help with the money but I truly hate asking him to help her.  I do hate that Jess might just learn that doctors don't nearly have all of the answers.  I remember how frightening that was to realize for me and then for Jeanette.   

In the Hole

 I don't know how to dig out of this mess. 

$1,050 house INS by September

$1,400 house tax due July

$2,000 owe Kira Cheer

   $170 tags NOW

   $500 to  $5,000 to fix the van

$2,500 INS due next April

And supporting a house of six on Social Security!!

Riding with Jazz

 I do a lot of this.  Jazz has been driving us all the way out to get Jeanette most nights.  When I'm in bad shape I just think

All I have to do is drive to Runza, Jazz will do the rest

and it is getting us thru this 

Sunday night

 Philip's car was repossessed so Jenise has to get her car back from Jeanette so here we go - lots of driving and hoping the van holds up and i don't get pulled over for the tags again.  I can't see how to get out of this hole!! 

My car insurance just tripled from the girls' permits. I'm drowning. 

Kira's truth

 When Kira says things like that she lives the most deprived life, we are the poorest family, i react Wrongly. I think those things are Her reality,  whether they are an actuality or not. I react defensively when I try to point out that there Are definitely more deprived people instead of looking at Her current vision of Her world.  Especially since we let her go to Burk and definitely since we let her go into cheer.  At the time it seemed like the best thing for her.  It might really have been the best thing for her.  Even Jessalynn didn't think Kira would do well at North. She just shrank away at McMillan.  So,  yea,  she became a Burk cheerleader.  I don't think i thought about how much of this family really don't like cheerleaders!! Way more likely to think of comedies about them and stereotypes that are,  to most of the family,  and maybe in general,  spot on. How else do they become stereotypes?? I don't know.  But Jeremy and I made this happen for her when we weren't really able to afford it.  We robbed Peter to pay Paul, (I think meaning the rest of the family did without) and used windfalls to get her to this point. Then this year I can't afford it.  How much does that effect the way Kira respects and how she treats me? Maybe more than I have realized?? Kira acts spoiled and entitled. But we let her join a group that is notorious for those things.  I'm pretty sure that we somehow thought she would KNOW we went way out of our league to do it,  but that was asking too much of her. Wasn't it?? That would explain the way things are now.  But it becomes like looking at conspiracy theories that might be true. It like Trump's presidency.  Feeling helpless to do anything about it.  Maybe i can't.  But I can try harder to understand it. "What you understand you command". No. That quote is not always true.  But it's close to the truth,  thank you, Kriss. If I Could only figure out how to talk to Kira... I know I am sucking at this.  It is so much harder than talking to other kids.  

I can't help but compare Jami's daughters. Everyone does,  even Jami. They do seem to have a lot in common for kids that mostly did not grow up together. It sparks a lot of conversation about Nature vs Nurure. But maybe i put more than I should into this pigeon hole with Kira.  I wonder that about Lindsey,  too. Looking at Kira and Joey I think that Lindsey could have turned or exactly like she did if Mikey and Jami hadn't done what they did with her. The drug life, not going to elementary school. But that just feels like a Huge reach!! Of course those years negatively changed her!! But, did they change the outcome?? Did Jeremy,  Jess, and I change Kira's?? Is she difficult because of the cheer culture we let her in or would it be like this,  or worse!, without it?? I don't know the answer to this about Lindsey or Kira.  I will discuss how Jami's girls are alike while being angry at Jami,  Mikey,  and John for the things that happened to Lindsey after they took her from Steve and me.  And there were some really bad things! the grief over it is not misplaced.  But how much did it have to do with who she is now?? I don't think I can fully  judge that.  And I don't think i really even considered it until this morning.  

I will work on this if I remember. 

Gabriella

 How cruel all around to fall in love so close to the end!! And she loves me,  too. Twice now I have been chosen,  both in the twilight of my life!! What the hell!! Obi, I was 100% sure that she would outlive me!! I worried about her pain because,  besides Kirk, she only loved me,  and somehow I outlived him,  too. And I was sure I would drop dead from the pain losing Obi! But I survived,  and now I have my Gabriella.  My sweet Gabby. At least she Will love another,  I don't believe I'm exclusive with her, God, I hope not!! And sad as I am too have her so late in life she brings me such pure Joy!! Nothing confusing,  no doubts, no mixed feelings to sort. I love her dearly and she Loves Me!! Nothing else is as pure and clear in this world.  Thank you God!! 

BRIDGERTON

 OMG there's going to be a season 4!!!!

4th of July

 We missed going to Ralston again. Besides the funk I was in, no one in the house wanted to go.  Jeanette,  Jenise,  and Phillip would have gone with me,  but also it still felt sad. Jeremy has always been a big part of it and,  even more, I remember So Much Kirk loving the Family Day.  But Jess had told me there were several firework shows around. scheduled for today, and one of them was at Eagle Run, near Jeanette.  Rob was supposed to show up and take Riley out to see fireworks but he bailed on him (drinking again/still??) and when Nett called me about that I told her about Eagle Run and we made some fast plans.  Crap.  I already don't remember exactly what those plans were!!! I think just Dave went with me? Maybe Dave and Jami?? I drove to Jeanette's and she followed me,  or maybe I followed her?? whatever,  we followed others and then found a really good viewing place between two big, nice,  houses in a cul-de-sac and watched the fireworks together.  So. We,  a tiny bit of family,  celebrated the 4th together.  🤎

Trump, Diddy, OJ, Oran

I just spent hours outside working in the yard. I was digging and digging until I guess I had a blister in the middle of my hand and I just kept working till I busted it and made it bleed over and over and I couldn't stop. I'm so f****** depressed. I look around. Donald Trump is President and he's a bad man. OJ Simpson killed his wife and we found him innocent. Diddy, he is a bad man and he got away with it. I don't understand. I don't understand the world we live in and sometimes I think I don't want to understand if that's what I've got to understand. And I feel like I tried so hard to be a good person yet I have more people who hate and despise me than love me. I don't understand the world. I don't understand how it works. I don't know why it's the way it is or what it's supposed to mean. I'm a mess I think Diddy just set it off for me

I left out Oran Skaw. He was running through my head the whole time I was working, too. Another bad man who got away with it. Hurt my girls and tore my family apart. Got away with it.  What is wrong with this world?

I don't much want to be a part of it any more.  I can't play.  I don't understand the rules.  

Kira driving me crazy

 I've taught a lot of kids to drive and Never had problems like I have with Kira.  I spoke to her today about why she really needs to take drivers ed from an instructor, a stranger. She should be way ahead of where she is driving!! I'm afraid it is just our bad relationship. Mostly since Jeremy left but really there has been something Bad there for a While.  It just all makes me very,  very,  sad. 

I admire and am proud of so much in Kira!! She has good morals, really cares about Being Right, and,  right or wrong, she is not afraid to take a stand fit what she believes.  She works very hard at the things she wants to accomplish like how she will go over her cheer routines over and over to get them perfect.  There is so much good in her!! But there is darkness and confusion in her,  too. Her foul mouth makes your ears bleed and it has become her language when happy, sad, excited, or angry. Every emotion is expressed wrapped in language that would make a sailor look like the pope. I believe that comes from someplace Dark. And it is frightening that there is a similarity in all of Jami's children that I know of that is hateful, entitled, and without empathy. I think Joey might be different in this, the empathy, but Lindsey and Kira don't seem to be able to Know what animals and children want and need. Kira has shown some desire to learn how to know if an animal is happy but it has been a very long road and a lot of damaged pets to get her to that point.  I KNOW this is not a good sign. Today Jeremy and I were talking about how Kira would sit and rock for HOURS for YEARS growing up.  How we would point it out to DHHS and CPS and they would just blow us off. Did That turn into this??  Did not acknowledging that this was a problem turn into the problems she has now??? I would send her to Jeremy if he knew any more than me about how to help her but he says he is just lost, too.

We can't lose her!! But how to reach her????

I do hear that feeling Entitled is common in her generation.  What will happen to the kids with that issue?? Will life just some day just slap them in the face with the reality that NO One "deserves " anything? If that theory only in religion?? But even if it is, religions are of tour world . Maybe some will get everything they feel entitled to and they will just feel like they were right,  that they WERE owed by the world.  Would that even be a Good Thing?? I don't think isee that for Kira. Maybe for some kids born into rich families who just give them everything they want all of their lives.  I don't I would even want that life.  It would be hollow. Devoid if the amazing feeling that you Accomplished something.  How truly awful! So,  then a Rude Awakening for all the other kids. Like Kira.  She anyway f eels so Ripped Off coming from a family that has to work for everything.  She says she is the Only Kid She Knows who has to work and buy their own car. I believe she means that.  How much does that feed into her resentment?? She bemoans that