When Kira says things like that she lives the most deprived life, we are the poorest family, i react Wrongly. I think those things are Her reality, whether they are an actuality or not. I react defensively when I try to point out that there Are definitely more deprived people instead of looking at Her current vision of Her world. Especially since we let her go to Burk and definitely since we let her go into cheer. At the time it seemed like the best thing for her. It might really have been the best thing for her. Even Jessalynn didn't think Kira would do well at North. She just shrank away at McMillan. So, yea, she became a Burk cheerleader. I don't think i thought about how much of this family really don't like cheerleaders!! Way more likely to think of comedies about them and stereotypes that are, to most of the family, and maybe in general, spot on. How else do they become stereotypes?? I don't know. But Jeremy and I made this happen for her when we weren't really able to afford it. We robbed Peter to pay Paul, (I think meaning the rest of the family did without) and used windfalls to get her to this point. Then this year I can't afford it. How much does that effect the way Kira respects and how she treats me? Maybe more than I have realized?? Kira acts spoiled and entitled. But we let her join a group that is notorious for those things. I'm pretty sure that we somehow thought she would KNOW we went way out of our league to do it, but that was asking too much of her. Wasn't it?? That would explain the way things are now. But it becomes like looking at conspiracy theories that might be true. It like Trump's presidency. Feeling helpless to do anything about it. Maybe i can't. But I can try harder to understand it. "What you understand you command". No. That quote is not always true. But it's close to the truth, thank you, Kriss. If I Could only figure out how to talk to Kira... I know I am sucking at this. It is so much harder than talking to other kids.
I can't help but compare Jami's daughters. Everyone does, even Jami. They do seem to have a lot in common for kids that mostly did not grow up together. It sparks a lot of conversation about Nature vs Nurure. But maybe i put more than I should into this pigeon hole with Kira. I wonder that about Lindsey, too. Looking at Kira and Joey I think that Lindsey could have turned or exactly like she did if Mikey and Jami hadn't done what they did with her. The drug life, not going to elementary school. But that just feels like a Huge reach!! Of course those years negatively changed her!! But, did they change the outcome?? Did Jeremy, Jess, and I change Kira's?? Is she difficult because of the cheer culture we let her in or would it be like this, or worse!, without it?? I don't know the answer to this about Lindsey or Kira. I will discuss how Jami's girls are alike while being angry at Jami, Mikey, and John for the things that happened to Lindsey after they took her from Steve and me. And there were some really bad things! the grief over it is not misplaced. But how much did it have to do with who she is now?? I don't think I can fully judge that. And I don't think i really even considered it until this morning.
I will work on this if I remember.
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