Lindsey

 Did I mention that one of my favorite parts of this Christmas was seeing Lindsey? A at least Jeremy wasn't Any Part of that disconnect! and honestly,  I seriously doubt that he could have been. Lindsey would have never been like Jessalynn and Jess were!! I just KNOW that.  No.  The break with Lindsey was all between her and me. And Jami. If it was any one's fault it was mine.  It wasn't about who I believed the meth belonged to at the time. I knew that they both did meth. I was working with who would be hurt the most by the police believing that it was theirs.  Jami would very likely end up with a lot of jail or even prison time.  Lindsey was going to get probation at the worst and,  as I have said before,  I believed that Probation would be good for Lindsey,  her children,  and even Jake.  I felt like I had been helplessly watching Lindsey spin out of control the last year and I thought that Probation, forced drug testing and accountability,  would force her to show down.  She definitely didn't want Jake to believe that she had been doing drugs and I thought that would be a big part of what would make her not slip up on the probation.  BUT since then I believe that I overheard something that makes me believe that the meth in the car that night was Jami's and,  Knowing,  I've been rethinking the whole mess. Would knowing for sure have made me do things any differently? Maybe not overall,  I might still have held the idea Lindsey needed a BIG wake up call like Probation First. I very likely would have. BUT I think I would have tried harder to speak to Lindsey,  tell her in person Why, and I definitely would have told Jami that she needed to thank Lindsey. Like I said at the time,  I could not have made Jami step up and take responsibility even if I knew the meth was hers.  Or thank Lindsey. But I definitely could have thanked Lindsey myself.  Lindsey did not take responsibility to save her mom.  She,  understandably!, (no matter whose it was) tried to say that it was her mother's, but she couldn't prove that so I doubt that mattered. I still don't know exactly what happened when Lindsey went to court but I think she was given some kind of Probation.  Neither of us have brought up this conversation since she came back around but I need to sometime,  mostly so I can apologize to her. Not for not knowing/ believing whose meth it was,  not for not being able to make Jami take the blame,  but I owe her an apology for not going to her. Trying to explain in person.  Just Being There for her even if she didn't want me there. For not figuring out how to follow her court case.  I did write in here that I love and miss her knowing that back then she was looking in here.  But,  no way,  no how,  have I apologized to her for not Being There for her.  I owe her that. 

The overheard tidbit.  One of the first times that Lindsey was back over here,  I was in the living room and Lindsey and Jami were in the dining room and,  I didn't hear the conversation, but I heard Lindsey talking about something that she couldn't do and she said something like,  "and thanks a lot for that,  Mom" and then it sounded like Jami was shushing her. That might not be exactly how it went but I know that, standing there, I Knew that the meth in the car was Jami's.  Lots of little things since this began have made me wonder. Jami over explaining Lindsey's involvement with meth.  Jami reaching out to Lindsey.  

Oh gotta go

My best intentions

I do start most days with the best intentions. Then I don't know what happens. Well,  most of the time Eating followed by that numb can't-do-anything feeling is what happens.  So I decide Not to eat until I get everything done and sometimes that actually works and sometimes that knock out thing still happens.  Eating almost always ends my day.  I will do the Don't Eat thing this week and try to get some things done.  

So it's Jami's birthday

 Jami didn't show up for Christmas or her birthday. I'm starting to think maybe she is moving back in with Mike.  Not a great idea for her! but it could be ok for her with Nett and the boys moving in.  She will be leaving her "area" a disaster again but,  well, she always has.  It looks like she has done some more work on building her little shed. ??  Dave tried to tell her there was no way she would ever live in it but she keeps on building.  She should have got a job and invested in one of those tiny homes if she wants to live out back here.  That's Jeanette's plan.  We could fit 2 or 3 in the back yard especially if we take down the trampoline.  

Oh and the basement drain still doesn't work AND the washer doesn't spin after the wash cycle so add those repairs to what we need here.  It's pretty overwhelming!! The gas leak, back taxes, basement drain, the washer and then a dozen "little" things that need done - like finishing the bottom step to the deck!!

But also I do love our home here. I love sitting out back on the deck.  I am there right now.  It feels safer than any where we have lived for years. Peaceful. Sometimes we are blessed to see deer or foxes from the little woods across the street. Kira flipped out one night when she saw 2 deer in the neighbor's back yard.  I was a little surprised at how huge they looked! I hope we can fix this place and keep it.  Even if the house falls down,  keep this land. It's a fairly large property.  The main downside is how busy Curtis Avenue is.  People speeding thru. I'm surprised and thankful that we haven't lost a pet to the street! 

Well, Jami has a little pile of gifts here if/when she shows up. She told Jess that I haven't been speaking to her - and I haven't missed a single text or call from her.  I texted asking where she was on Christmas and she answered that she was at King Cong having a free Christmas burger.  That is hardly not speaking to her. No. We all know what this is.  If she is with Mike,  ot just gone like this with anyone,  she's in a Meth cloud,  might say or do anything. I do HATE the whole meth thing! I really am going to Crack down on the meth in this house at least.  Jeremy sent me a test kit and I've cleaned 4 spots in the basement to test like he did before.  It's a little unbelievable that I have to deal with this at all!!! A positive test anywhere down there will be the last of it. I hate forcing Jami out but we just can't keep being a meth den. I hope things don't end like that.  If any one smells meth down there again I'm not giving any warning - I'm just going to call the police on whoever is down there at the time.  

And WHAT IS the big thrill of Meth addiction?? I've tried it.  I wouldn't give up anything to have Meth in my life.  Jeremy and I had some fun messing with meth or cocaine but never wanted to Keep Doing It. Wouldn't it just get to be boring?? Not to mention watching your body go to hell.  All meth users I know look alike. Nothing attractive at all!! I remember once Jami taking me with her to see some of her women friends that I knew and I was just shocked!! They all looked so OLD and used that I wouldn't have recognized Any of them if I ran into them on my own.  Then I looked at Jami sitting next to me and realized she looked like them,  too, but I hadn't noticed because I see her all the time.  And maybe a little that I kind of see her thru rose colored glasses. Still my baby. I watch her and her group.  Jami will tell me one day that Breezy is a piece of crap, don't talk to her any more! and then the next day she posts "Best Friends Forever" with a picture of Breezy and her!! They all rip each other off, cheat each other, then make up whenever whoever has some meth - I don't know but it is insane.  It's METH. 

Christmas 2025

 Not sure why I suddenly got depressed today? I usually find this whole season depressing.  

The day got better. Not wonderful but not bad. A general good feeling 🙂. I took Nett and the boys the things we had for them.  I think they were all good with what we could do this year. These kids have grown up a lot and they are all pretty awesome humans!! I gave Jess the shirt Jazz helped me decide on for her,  "You guys must be exhausted watching me do everything!" 🤣 Jess is a little worried Jami might not find it as funny (and true!) as the rest of us but she accepted it well.  Like the color,  too 🫠. I also gave her a set of wireless ear buds like almost everyone else has.  She likes to listen to her shows,  especially "Passions"! while she slaves in the kitchen.  I should have got Jeanette one,  too, for over there but it might not be as well received there.  Jazz replaced my hair dryer that Shy borrowed right after I got it.  I found a pink ice scraper for Kira's car. Little things.  Maybe try to save to fix the gas leak!! And pay the back taxes!!

I'm putting off seriously talking to Jess about Nett moving in.  For real now.  We HAVE to do it for either of us to make it in this world.   Robby will be the main issue.  I know Jess is scared of both of the boys and the damage they might do as well as the stress level they cause around them.  Robby should get out on his own ASAP. I really think Jeanette and I can handle Riley. BUT this is going to be VERY HARD  on Jess,  especially at first.  She hates change.  I don't so much but I have seen this as an upcoming reality all along.  This house is for my daughters.  Jeanette has NO issue with Jess running the household - she even intends to help me pay Jess for all she does.  I give her $100 to $200 to spend every month but it is very hard to get her to spend any of it on herself.  Jeanette will be better than I am at getting Jess whatever she needs. It IS still the dream to have 1 to 4 tiny homes!!! I think Jess would LOVE  having her own little place in a plot of land with us having a few homes.  I'd want Jess to get a fancy one like what Elon Musk sells!!

I have a lot of ideas to sell Jess but first I have to help her accept the combining of our households.  

🤞🤞🙏🙏🫶🫶🫶🫶

A beautiful Night

 It's a beautiful night.  Clear sky,  not too cold. Beautiful.  Christmas shopping by phone but at least I'm Christmas shopping.  We went to Ollie's today and found pretty much nothing.  Blue is Amazon and Walmart ordering.  

And it's kind of a beautiful life.  Yes,  I get sick easily and often have trouble breathing and there is that whole Fall Out thing that happens every afternoon - but there are really nice things,  too. Kira is super sweet when she wants to be,  Jess is all about everyone except herself, Jazz is fun to be around and so are Jami and Lindsey.  Jeanette is fun, too, but she is also a natural Teacher, which I and everyone need! And Jeanette's children are all a very loving lot, they make your heart feel good.  They are all my world and that if pretty damn awesome.  

🫨Jess going to a Party!!

 It's true,  Jess is going to a party that Kyla is throwing for their old group!! Dawn is picking her up in about 10 minutes and I will be in stand by to pick her up from there.  It's way out in Valley,  probably take me a half hour to get there, so I'm hoping to find a place to hang out and wait for  her call.  I really hope she lasts more than an hour!! Besides her normal anxiety she is worried because everyone except her will be drinking alcohol.  Jess baked one of her special cakes for this party,  a new one she hasn't tried before so that was a lot of stress! So she made 2 of these 3 layer cakes so she could talky the best one and, yummy!, we get the rejected cake.  😃 I was afraid she would bail but she if going thru with it.  

I hope she had a blast! ❤️❤️🤞🤞🤞

Sell this house??

 I used to dream about winning the lottery or something and buying a block of land and putting houses all around the block for the family with a huge shared back yard for a big garden and our dogs.  Well, Jeanette and I have been talking about doing something like that.  These new Tiny Homes going up everywhere might make that doable!! What if we could sell this house and buy a little land and 4 or 5 tiny homes for all of us?? One for Jeanette,  Jami,  Jess, and me with a spare for whatever of the kids that need it?? You can buy a Tiny Home for as little as $800 (Walmart) up to the fully loaded $8,000 Elon Musk Tiny Homes. I really worry about Jess and Jeanette being able to keep up this place after I'm gone AND I worry about the growing cost of repairing this house. Right now I need about $1,000 to replace the leaking natural gas pipe and there are a lot of "little things" that can turn into Big Things if we don't fix them soon.  The AC is currently rigged to work. The basement drain barely works. The wood around the back door is rotting. The deck, too! The whole house is off Kilter supposedly from the house getting pushed back from the street that supposedly was fixed before we moved in.  It was all newly carpeted and we can feel places in the floor that are weak under that new carpet.  Yea, we might have problems selling it!! But WE bought it so someone else might,  too, right?? I doubt they would pay what we did! but we Had To buy a home quickly for the "spend down" so we just paid the asking price without hardly any questions.  We paid $180,00 and it is listed as worth about $150,000. 

I want to at least look at doing this and making that old dream come true!!!  Really,  I would day dream about this but Never thought it could come true.  It was just a fantasy that I loved so I would often go through it in my head to fall asleep at night.  

I don't have a lot of time to see this through but even if I don't see it to completion I would love to have it in motion to where Jeanette could finish getting it done.  Then I can just haunt their little asses in their little houses❣️

Unbelievable

 It was 50 degrees yesterday and it is supposed to be 50 again today! I thought we were supposed to have a harsh winter?! The predictions now are that we are already done with single digit days! It is supposed to get up to an average of 30 degrees or more until March and then the warm up begins.  

I really dislike winter in my old age.  No more building snow forts or sledding for me so what fun is it? We will probably still see more snow and ice but the single digits and below are the worst.  It's funny that there are plants that actually need the cold.  Lilacs, garlic,  catnip and more I don't know about.  And the cold is definitely good for keeping the crawling things under control.  So far it has kept the fires ants below mid- America.  I don't miss those!!

Jeremy called yesterday.  It is nice to hear him once in a while.  But he says he is So Bored and wants to come visit when he can afford it.  I did the math and I think that would cost him about$100 in gas round trip.  I'm a little surprised that he's bored all of the time even tho he is living in Small Town Oklahoma.  The last years that he was here he never wanted to do Anything.  But he WAS miserable and at least he's not like that any more.  He likes not having the responsibility of this family but I think he just needs to find people his age where he is.  And he needs a good girl friend.  Again,  closer to his age! And he wants to find a job.  Another thing he was never interested in doing here for Years. It will be ok if he does come to visit.  I think Riley would love to see him.  

Ah, my Riley has a new girl.  I really hope this one doesn't crush his heart! Human interactions are really difficult for him.  He wants so very much to trust the people in this world and sadly you just can not most of the time.  He is always surprised when girl friends and friends do him wrong.  It just kills me just to watch it! He is so very loving and I just don't want the world to beat that out of him but I also want him to trust the world a whole lot less.  

When I drive Riley home from school I go past where Jenise lived and it makes my heart hurt that she is gone.  It's a punch in the gut every time plus the guilt of not seeing her more when she was here.  

Lindsey is here.  I do like having her back.  Her life is a mess that she pretty much created but it's pretty harsh karma. She is living with a mother in law that is pretty outrageous in how she treats Lindsey! A very weird jealousy over Jake and tug of war over Annabella.  Still, she is refreshing to be around.  I just pray that she doesn't decide to start being abusive to her mom again.  Lindsey has been hurt the most by Jami but it's really is useless to pay her back for it.  Jami doesn't understand it but it does cut her deeply.  Jami does understand that she might deserve it but it is enough.  It is senseless to keep hurting her.  Bad juju and all of that.  And Lindsey isn't able to do much better with her own children. I don't know if she is any more aware of that than Jami was. Yes. I want to be in Lindsey's life and help her navigate.  And I will always need her.  I need all of them.  I have 6 out of 9, it could be worse! so I am thankful for the 6 I have.  When my girls were growing up I would fervently pray for the return of Jesus,  the end of the world, so they wouldn't feel the pain of growing up in this world.  I have similar feeling about my grand children but I guess I don't pray like that about anything any more.  Sadly it felt like most of my prayers just bounced back at me off the ceiling.  I didn't FEEL them going any where. I think about the story about the little boy who prayed every night for a bicycle and never got one.  When he was asked how he felt that about God never answering his prayer he said "God Did Answer. He just said 'No'". Yes, I've felt like some prayers were answered but I always felt like He only answered the ones He CHOSE TO.  Then I say what is the use of praying? And then I feel guilty.  That whole lack of faith thing.  

*sigh*

Bad Dreams

 Been having quite a few lately.  I wonder if it is because I am so physically and mentally inactive? And Emotionally.  I just don't have opportunity to Feel much of anything any more.  Maybe?? I'm old.  It's winter. I feel fear when I can't breathe.  I feel love for the family. Very little hated,  anger,  frustration,  impatience, hopelessness, exuberation, or joy.  Blaaa. I feel very ill a lot of the time.  Maybe that blunts some feelings?? I feel physical pain but I'm pretty used to that. I sometimes feel but avoid emotional pain.  I still remember the first time I absolution couldn't find a Happy Place any where in my mind.  It was in Texas, the day Herbert and I fought over how he treated Jami. It terrified me.  I still go there once in a while.  Thinking of Jessalynn can take me there if I let it. And,  sometimes,  when I Don't let it.  It is still a terrifying mental Place to be. I'd hate to die there! Do I have bad dreams just to FEEL some times?  They are often about being married.  A Steve/Jeremy amalgam.  They blend and interchange. I can miss them both and be very glad that I am with neither.   I am definitely happier without them but never meant to end up alone. 

Maybe a little Christmas?

 I've let Jess order some gifts for the girls and I'm thinking about doing more and especially I'd like to get my daughters gifts this year.  I'll be spending some of the money I've been trying to save to fix the gas leak but I Really Want To Do This. 

Winter

Roughly 40 years ago I swore I wouldn't spend another winter up here.  And here I still am.  The winters aren't as harsh as they used to be but I'm less and less able to tolerate them.  And here I still am. I really do hate this! A few years ago I entertained myself building snow forts. That would likely kill me now.  I can't even ferment Why I did it except maybe to prove that I could.  Insanity.  I've always had a touch of that!

Winters on the  Usually I barely left the farm except to go to church.  The first few years Steve was terrified to let me drive.  He said that when he was out driving he would picture my car wrapped around every tree and pole he saw. I didn't do quite that bad,  mostly ran off into ditches,  once off a cliff, never wrapped around anything.  

GARDEN

I made a new blog in here titled Garden 2025. Im hoping anyone who wants to carry on gardening at this house, or start their own after I'm gone, find this page.  

With a jaundiced eye

 That term seems to fit the way I look at future plans,  ideas, hope. On the surface.  I think about next year's garden,  always mentally figuring in that it is unlikely that I will be here to plant one.  Or harvest one if I do get one planted.  It seems more being realistic that being fatalistic. This is fed by my utter amazement that I am still here today! Does any one really plan on living into old age? I know that people make plans for in case they do,  but do some people actually see an expected Old Age? Steve's sister Judy would talk about us all being old together on a porch passing a joint.  It was a joke,  but was it also a future she actually Saw? She's dead now. Steve, Cleo, and I are still alive from the intended porch group.  I'm pretty sure Steve, like me, never really expected to see old age! We looked at his family history and it looked like almost all of the men died "young" except an Uncle Johnny he thought was still alive.  My family history looked equally grim, especially for the males in both families.  But.  I'm still here.  67. When I read that a new medication might have side effects I always consider the timeline now.  Weigh expected time left figuring in medication benefit before the possible side effects might happen. Years ago I stopped using Afrin nasal spray after seeing a Doctors episode showing the long term damage,  what the woman's sinuses looked like after 20 years. I'll be 87 in 20 years!! Doubt anyone is going to be checking my sinus cavities!! Might as well be able to Breathe Through My Nose as longs as I AM here!! It often goes back to a Doug Heffernan quote from King of Queens: "WHATS THE POINT OF LIVING ANOTHER 20 YEARS IF YOU HAVEN'T ENJOYED A SINGLE BITE OF FOOD!?"?? (Dieting)

What's the point.  Is that seeing thru a "jaundiced eye"?? It sounds more like weighing very real different realities!

Survival

 It looks like I'm going to win this battle but I can't keep fooling myself that I Have Time. One of these is going to take me out.  This one very well could have.  Maybe almost did. I'm going to get home oxygen but I know that when you have to have that it actually weakens you in the long run.  It there is a long run.  I have to "get my affairs in order", legalize the plan to keep my girls alive here.  Maybe protect myself more from these killer viruses! Go back to wearing masks.  Learn to type. Seriously.  I back up and fix almost every sentence! Yes, Quit Smoking. That one doesn't get easier.  I think how miserable I have been trying and picture dying that miserable.  Living that miserable.  But I will. My Jess is so lost even with me here! 

I might need to see a Dr still to get as well as I can but I'm winning this round.  

Jess

 I just found Jess standing in the dark in the dining room crying.  She says it's just stress,  just silly,  don't worry. It's NOT " just stress" for her! Stress is a whole different word for Jess 💔😪. She feels pain so much more acutely than the rest of us.  Always has.  That's why I would drive 20 miles in the middle of the night to find a Little Pony she dropped,  knowing she would cry all night worrying that it was out in the cold.  Not just stress. Distress. That's where Jess goes and it just breaks my heart.  

Better

 Last night I feel asleep fairly sure that I would wake up again and today I feel BETTER. Haven't had a almost pass out event once today and I have been up doing Everything.  The way I tend to do.  Decided to try to seal the back door better (winterize) so I went to my room to look for the seals I bought.  They weren't in the shelf I checked but it looked dirty so I went to the kitchen to wet a rag to clean it.  I decided to check the dishwasher filters while I was there and they were GROSS so I took the dishwasher apart,  completely apart! to clean it.  I read the CLR label to see if I could use it and then remembered the rust stain where the old mall box was on the siding outside so I found a sponge and gloves to try to clean it.  Maybe should try that when it is above freezing outside!! Back to the dishwasher. Tried to talk to Jess about keeping it clean but she blew me off like she always does about things like that.  Or like how to efficiently run the dishwasher. Whatever. After I die they will all be sick all of the time from the mold.... Now I'm taking a break and going back to looking for the door seals...

I feel BETTER.

Sick, Scared, Cant take a breath

 I HATE being sick!! Why am I not me careful around these kids carrying the black plagues???? This might kill me.  If not this one another one is going to be what takes me out. Last night I only slept long enough to dream that I was shut in a coffin buried in a cement box. I was running out of oxygen, panting, pushing and clawing at the coffin lid. I woke up gasping for air. If I walk to the bathroom or the kitchen I end up panting and blowing,  my lungs feel tiny and tight and I might faint.  I have to do where I stand and wait until I can breathe again to get back to my room.  This SUCKS. Coughing and spitting all day and night so I can't sleep and when I finally do i dream THAT. My heart feels like it is pounding so I keep taking metoprolol.