Bad Dreams

 Been having quite a few lately.  I wonder if it is because I am so physically and mentally inactive? And Emotionally.  I just don't have opportunity to Feel much of anything any more.  Maybe?? I'm old.  It's winter. I feel fear when I can't breathe.  I feel love for the family. Very little hated,  anger,  frustration,  impatience, hopelessness, exuberation, or joy.  Blaaa. I feel very ill a lot of the time.  Maybe that blunts some feelings?? I feel physical pain but I'm pretty used to that. I sometimes feel but avoid emotional pain.  I still remember the first time I absolution couldn't find a Happy Place any where in my mind.  It was in Texas, the day Herbert and I fought over how he treated Jami. It terrified me.  I still go there once in a while.  Thinking of Jessalynn can take me there if I let it. And,  sometimes,  when I Don't let it.  It is still a terrifying mental Place to be. I'd hate to die there! Do I have bad dreams just to FEEL some times?  They are often about being married.  A Steve/Jeremy amalgam.  They blend and interchange. I can miss them both and be very glad that I am with neither.   I am definitely happier without them but never meant to end up alone.