A Good Deed Day

I lost my wallet a couple of days ago and this evening a man and a little girl knocked on the door and returned my wallet. They ahd found it in a parking lot on Saddlecreek, Visa still intact. I gave them $20 that they looked like they could use for being so very honest and making my day so good. :-)
We took the car to get it fixed today and it wouldn't make that noise no matter what we did so the guy couldn't find anything wrong with it. We drove it all over Omaha and Council Bluffs and it didn't make a sound from the front end.

Jessica the Hero

The car is in terrible shape, something about the front end, and we were stressing over how to pay for it when Jessica offered to sell her Neon to pay to fix our car. :-) We just sold her car for $180. and that should pay most of the repair on the Honda. It is a wonderful feeling to have one of my girls come through like this in our time of need.

Wednesday Morning

I seem to have been marked here as a soft touch. I get people coming offering to shovel the steps for two dollars all the time and I just had one who only wanted a sandwich when I didn't have two dollars. Made me sad to have someone that hungry at my door. Especially the day after Christmas when everyone is still sick from overeating at Christmas Dinner.

Christmas Night

Christmas went well. Jeanette and Rob and Jenise and Robbie came and we had a nice dinner. Poor Jeremy was very sick all day but still worked his butt off helping with everything.
Now it is over and Jessalynn is going to sleep on the couch because her bed is piled with gifts. :-)
One very nice thing was I got an email from Uncle Paul for Christmas that made my day perfect.
I'd better get to bed now. Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!

Christmas Eve

We woke this morning to Jessalynn joining us because she was scared and had another ear ache. I will be taking her to the ER a little later after I go to have a cat scan of my sinuses at ten. Jami needs to go to the ER, too, today because she thinks she is having a miscarriage.
Other than all of that, it is Christmas Eve and Jessalynn is excited. She will spend this evening with her Grandma Linda and then spend the night with Daddy and come home tomorrow morning to open her presents here.
Mikey and the girls called last night and we got to talk for a while. The girls were pretty quick but I talked to Mikey for a while. I sure miss all of them and it is good to talk to them when they call.
We got one Christmas card from Kenny and Robin this year. I have some things I plan to take over there later.
Jami got a phone finally so I can call here whenever I want.
It is going to be a good Christmas in spite of everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a SUCK day!

Still reeling from the wreck last night and Premier First called and said that Marianna fired Jeremy. We had to go turn in his time card for this week and Premier said that they will have another job for him starting on Jamuary first but we will have a tough tough time still with this. Jeremy called One Source Staffing and will be trying to go out and work for them for th next two days and whatever they have after that until the other job comes through but One Source only pays seven dollars an hour and we were barely making it with him making eight fifty. Plus One source won't be full time.
I have no clue what we are going to do or how we are going to survive and we have the ticket I got last night and the insurance deductable to deal with, too. Life is really sucking BUT it could be worse. Jeremy checked the car this morning and found out I didn't damage the radiator. It was the windshield washer fluid running out last night not the radiator water so the car still drives, we just have no pee boys or a left blinker.

Car Wreck

I wrecked the car last night and it was my fault. I got flustered hearing sirens and couldn't tell where they were coming from and I was too tired to be driving and I started to turn left when another car decided to go. I swear it seemed like he was trying to get hit but what ever it ends up my fault. His car is damaged pretty badly but our car hopefully only has a radiator leak. The headlight there even works although the blinker does not. I managed to drive it home after the police got through but can't drive it any more until it is fixed. The guy was Laotian and spoke no English but I could tell he will try to sue for all he can.

Wednesday Morning

Jessalynn is much better today. She likely would have been OK to go to school today but I wanted to be sure and she said she wanted to stay home another day which sealed it. We'll try tomorrow.
The landlady came while I was taking Jeremy to work last night and Jess said she was very angry about the rent but I just talked to her and she has calmed down but wants her money. I'm going to have to do two delay deposits today to get the rent but hopefully we'll get caught up someday...

Tuesday Morning

It's a bit of a busy morning. I took Jami to her appointment for orientation for General Assistance at Work Force Development this morning and Jess and I are going to the Salvation Army for Toys For Tots to get Jessalynn some Christmas Presents at ten. Then I pick up Jami at eleven and I have an appointment with Kim Camp at eleven thirty. I likely am babysitting for Jeanette today but I will call and see if Michelle can fill in since I have Jessalynn home from school today. She is better but still a bit peaked and had a fever last night again.

Jessalynn Sick :-(

Jessalynn has been fighting a bug for a while but yesterday morning she woke screaming her ear hurt so I took her to the ER. Her fever was 100 when I left home and almost 103 by the time I got here there. She was very good for the doctor and nurses and agreed to take her medicines so she wouldn't have to get a shot and I brought her home. We fought that temp all day and night but she is better this morning finally. But she had to miss school and lost her perfect attendance record.
When Jeremy and I tried to take her to the hospital the car wouldn't start so Jeremy gave it a push to get it started and we rolled down the hill and pop started it. I parked by the ramp at the hospital just in case and the battery was still completely dead so we had to pop start it again to get out of there. I dropped off Jessalynn's meds and we went and bought a battery while they were getting them filled. Jeremy asked them to test the alternator, too, but their machine was down so I just hope it was only the battery.
Jeanette paid me back the little bit of money she has owed me for a while and I told her not to worry about the rest for now. They are having trouble and I don't want to be like my mother and divide a family over money ever.
Kirk is another matter. Knowing what they did to my meds gives me fuel for the fire I hope to light under him but it could be to no avail. If he refuses he refuses and I will have to drag him to court and still likely won't get paid back. What is really stupid is that he is likely going to refuse to pay me because I am out of favor with him because I wouldn't give him a pill the other day. More amazing and disgusting is that he had the nerve to ask.
I still haven't confronted Kirk and Jami about what they did to my meds last month, taking some out of each capsule, but I have decided I am going to even though I expect them to vehemently deny it. I KNOW. You can't open a full capsule without some spilling out and I checked every one I got back form them and they were all about three quarters full if that.

Winter Rambling

It's nine degres but supposed to warm up to 34 degrees today. I'm already thinking thirty is very warm. A good thing since I seem to be stuck here in Nebraska for some tome. I can't imagine being away from my girls and their children except Jami's, who I have no choice but to be away from.
We've had a lot of snow and ice and now there will likely be more ice with this warm up. I no longer think at all about moving back to Texas ever but maybe someday I'll end up in Florida like other old people. The cold is definitely hard on me but it isn't as bad as I thought it would be so far.

No Payback

I am beginning to really understand that Rob and Kirk are likely never going to pa me back the money they have borrowed from me. It has been two years for Rob and six months for Kirk and both seem to think it is not necessary to pay me. And there is nothing I can do about it! I hate this feeling.

Blues

Jami got to me tonight. She called several times today wanting rescued and I went and got her when I took Jeremy to work and she told a tale of barely surviving and near madness that is terrible and frightening. They have no food and no heat. Their apartment is supposed to be heat paid but they only turn on the ancient steam heat for a short period each day and they are freezing the rest of the time. They paid their rent and electric bill and paid for Kirk's rides and a few other people he owed bits here and there to and then paid a couple twenty dollars for what was supposed to be forty dollars of food stamps and there was no money on the people's food stamp card they gave them. I can't take it. We are so broke yet I am going to buy them a space heater tomorrow and some food. I just can't not do it and I will just have to find a way to make up the money so Jeremy doesn't suffer for it. Jami is also talking crazy about running away and has been drinking today to try to get warm. Drugs aren't an issue because there is no money for them. She is in worse shape mentally than I have seen her since right after she lost the girls. I can't take it. Have to do something, everything I can to make a difference. Friday she has her appointment with General Assistance and then she will qualify for medical help as well as get help with the rent and electric and I am going to try to sign her up for food stamps tomorrow. Whatever I can do without hurting Jeremy.

CarGo

We drove the car hotwired for a bit until we could get the part and John down the street put it on for forty dollars. Now, I just hope that is the last glitch for a while although I know the front end will need some work eventually.
That missed night of work is going to hurt us but nothing we can do but get through the best we can.
Jessica got a job today finally and is happy once again. :-) It's at a pizza place, bartending I think, and she goes in Tomorrow to meet with the guy.
Jessalynn is over at Jeanette's for a playday.

Car Down

Boo hoo. The ignition switch went out on my car and it won't start so Jeremy missed work last night. He and a neighbor are out looking at it but I don't have any idea what they are doing. If they could just hotwire it I could get to the parts store and buy a new one.
Lots of snow down and more to come tomorrow. Fun fun fun!

Mall Massacre

Yesterday afternoon a young man went into the mall and opened fire on people shopping killing eight and wounding five before he shot and killed himself. He left a note saying he did it to go out with a bang and be famous. Omaha is in shock and there are all kinds of prayer services being held around town.

Colonoscopy Prep

The title says it all for the procedure. Yuk. I did manage to keep down half of the Golytely and Dr. Hay's nurse said it was enough.
Otherwise I had a rare pleasant day at home. I took Jessalynn to school and stopped at the bank and came home and piddled around the house all day and it was really nice. :-)
I've dropped my new friend, Laurie Lemmons. I do feel sorry for her but she is so lost and I've known for a while that she is listening to lies about me from her son and I don't need to defend myself to her or anyone. Truthfully, she has been more of a burden than a pleasure, so needy and nearly psychotic. I didn't desert her; she wanted to be dropped. She couldn't take our connection through her junkie son and I have always been surprised she wanted to strike up a friendship to begin with considering how I feel about Rizzo. I wish her the best and hope she gets real help someday.
Kirk has found a ride home from work which makes my life about 80% more pleasant not having to get out at eleven every night and pick him up. Now I can go to bed at a reasonable time for someone who gets up at five thirty.
I didn't see Jami today but I did schedule a dentist appointment for her tomorrow at one. She will have to go to the hospital with me to make that appointment so I hope she stayed home tonight and didn't get stranded in C.B.!

Quit Smoking

Today is my day to quit smoking. I have patches and I am smoking my last cigarettes and writing now before I dive into a smoke free life. I think I will succeed since I have so many reasons to succeed the biggest one being all those I effect with second hand smoke. After that comes the fact that I never told Lindsey I started again and I hate to let her down. Then comes my own health and the fact that I have a sinus infection that I have been fighting for over a month now and I am on my third run of antibiotics. Also, I would like to see if my singing voice comes back at all when I quit. Lastly I am hating smelling like a stinky cigarette all of the time!!!!!
Relations are a bit rough with Kirk and me right now. I am getting fed up with taking care of them when they make enough money to take care of themselves if he didn't spend first monies on drugs all of the time. The other night they asked for a ride to the casino to cash in a seven dollar coupon to buy cigarettes and stuff and the money went to dope instead which really pissed me off. I'm not driving him anywhere that gives him access to buying drugs again. The night I took them to the casino I had to stop at Kenny's and he got it there from someone.
We had an ice storm over the weekend and I tried to go pick up Jeremy in it and got stuck about two blocks from here and had to walk home slipping and sliding. I have been in terrible pain ever since and even went to the Emmanuel ER last night for a shot which gave me a little relief for a little while. I may have to go back today and try to get some pills, too.
That is another problem I'm having dealing with Kirk. The other day I couldn't find my Morphine. I searched and searched and Jami was asleep but woke up and freaked when she found out I'd lost them because she was sure she would be blamed. I didn't suspect her but I was wondering about Kirk because I hd given him a ride that day. Jami called Robin and got her to give me a couple of pills to stop the withdrawals that were already starting and the pain and we gave up the search. I picked Kirk up from work and we told him what had happened and he just mumbled that I probably misplaced them . I dropped them off and came home and Jami had called and left a message that Kirk had had my pills in his back pack but hadn't admitted it when we told him about losing them. She said to come get them. I got them in the morning and the count was right but I suspect the amount in each capsule has been tampered with because they aren't full nad they aren't working too well. I have diarrhea indicating I am in slight withdrawal still, too. Kirk says he wanted to just hide them in my room to find so I wouldn't think bad of him but I just don't get that he didn't tell me he had them when he heard about the frantic search plus I still don't know how they got in his bag from my purse to begin with!! It all sounds fishy. I think that when he told Jami about them he was hoping she would want to keep them and not tell me . What else can I think?? She says he told her about them as soon as I drove off and then they fought all night about it because she was mad he would be so disrespectful to me. I finally told her that I don't think he is doing any good for her and just making her suffer all of the time in poverty she doesn't have to live in.
Jeremy and I and everyone are getting along good again and I have a new slogan, Don't ride the clutch and don't ride Jeremy. I get so bad about lecturing him like he is a kid when he screws up and I have to stop. He works about sixty hours a week lately and needs all of the support he can get. Poor guy. He is working so hard but there is no money for any kind of luxuries yet because we are in the hole some and trying to get enough money to move, too. He wants desperately to make enough to buy me a ring but I don't think we will be able to by Christmas like he wants.
It's a little snowy right now but supposed to be clear of snow and ice for most of the next two weeks.

Thanksgiving Morning

Our Thanksgiving started yesterday when we saw a small flock of turkeys just strolling around our neighborhood. Jeremy tried to catch one and they just ran him in a circle not taking off flying until a neighbor let out their dog. Then Jami and Kirk spent the night making it feel even more like Thanksgiving and then to ice it off it snowed yesterday. :-)
Jeremy and I have been up since seven preparing the dinner. We will be eating late so Jessalynn can have dinner at her Grandma Linda's first.
This is going to be great!

Monday Before Thanksgiving

We've had a few rough days here with Jeremy not getting along with Jessica after not getting along with Jami lately and I just think all of the overtime is getting to him but his tantrums are just too much for all of us to deal with so I still came down on him pretty hard. I know he feels terribly outnumbered when he goes up against my girls, Jeanette says he suffers from Step-father Jealousy, and he does, but it is impossible for me to take his side when he is so very in the wrong. Things seem to have settled down a bit tonight and hopefully it will all blow over in time for us to gather for Thanksgiving in some kind of Harmony.
I found out my Section 8 is only for a one bedroom since they couldn't get Dr. Gold to respond to their calls so I am going to try to get Dr. Hay or my shrink to do it but if they won't I will be stuck with a one bedroom and there aren't any where Jess is getting her place. She is paying the deposit on a townhome at the place we looked at the other day tomorrow and I would really like to get one there, too. They are super nice and we need to be near each other for Jessalynn and because Jess doesn't have a car yet.
Jess is applying for retail sales jobs now and I think she will get one. I don't know why neither of us thought about her going into retail before because she would be perfect for it, especially at a clothing store.
I went to my second physical therapy session today and Jay really worked me hard but I think it is going to do me a lot of good in the long run if I make it that far. He started with putting me on an exercycle today to "loosen me up" which took me by surprise and then went on to more butt and abs exercises, two of them done with the big ball. The session ends with me laying on a cushy table with electrodes hooked up zapping my back under a heavy moist heating pad in the dark. Pretty nice!
And that's all for now!

Sunday Morning

I got my letter of approval from Section 8 housing yesterday nd Jess and I went and looked at the townhomes we are hoping to move into. They are great but I found out you can't live there if you owe any utility companies money and I still owe Cox about $1200 from the days of Clown Shoes. I'm not sure how but we will have to pay that off and keep up with our other bills AND have the money to move by the last of February. Meezy is going to help Jess get her Deposit and stuff together and she has to get moved by the fifteenth of December to keep her section 8.
Jami and Kirk worked at the Qwest Center last night and I just got back from giving them a ride home a little while ago. I told Jeremy last night that he was blowing it with being friends of any kind with Jami because he treats her like crap and he got all defensive and pissed and wouldn't even hear me as usual. He makes life hard in so many ways.

Thursday Morning

The week is going by fairly smoothly in spite of the taxi service I seem to be running. I saw Dr. Gold Tuesday morning and he raised my morphine to 120 mg, started a laxative, and gave me an antibiotic for a sinus infection. I saw Dr. Felony Wednesday morning and they did my last instillation for a while and prescribed Diflucan for the yeast infection the antibiotics caused.
I've been picking Jami up in the evenings to come here and wait for Kirk to get off of work. We go to Mohms for supper when we can and then I nap. Yesterday Jami cleaned the house while I napped. :-)

Monday Morning Musings

Wow, I am so sore the last two days and I wonder if it is from driving a stick shift again. Jami thought it would be too much for me with the fibromyalgia and back injury but I brushed the idea aside but now I wonder. Not much I can do about it but suck it up now. Surely I will adjust!
I tried and can't get out of babysitting today so I will have to figure out how to get everything done today somehow. Jami needs a lot of help with finding some organization to help with part of their rent and finding proper clothes for her new job. It drives me a little nuts that I can't help anyone more but we are barely making it ourselves. I even finally made myself stop giving money to beggars for now. It is so hard to pass some of them up in the winter! I saw one on the corner with a sign last night that I would have given money to if I could but I had no cash on me. That is another thing I do to protect us. I don't carry cash.
I bought Jessalynn a coat the other day because I was mad at Jessica's boyfriend. He offered to buy her a coat in exchange for ninety dollars of Jessica's food stamps knowing that a coat would cost less than forty dollars and it just made me sick that he was taking advantage like that of his supposed girlfriend. Plus the fact that he has been living here for several months and we helped to bond him out of jail and he hasn't offered a dime to help out or pay us back. I think he is a lazy, self centered, pot head and would be very surprised if he loves Jessica at all.
I finally got another email from Uncle Paul and this one really made me feel good. He is definitely not treating me like a pariah like the rest of the family. His letter is very friendly and loving. I am so glad!

Grandkids Visit Again

Jenise and Robbie are spending the night again. :-) I have fallen in love with the new car and am very happy with it so far. Kirk got hired back at First Star Friday and it looks like Jami will be having a job this week, too, so they should climb out of the rut they have fallen into. We are hurting from buying the car and our money situation is precarious to say the least but hopefully we will make it. Jess still hasn't found a job or an apartment. I still haven't been approved for government housing because Dr. Gold hasn't returned the paperwork. It is going to be incredibly warm today, in the low seventies, then colder and snow is predicted within two weeks. Jeremy may be changing jobs for a better paying one soon if he wants to. Premier Staffing is just looking for someone to replace him at Marianna. The country is suddenly in an uproar about MRSA. Lindsey called yesterday and seems to be much happier in Florida.

A New Used Car

Welllll, we finally made the decision to let the van go and bought the little Honda Accord we have been looking at this morning. It would all be great but I can't get it to start now!!! I think, Hope, it is just out of gas. Patrick is supposed to come over and help me when he gets through eating. He isn't at work today because Heidi is in the hospital with appendicitis. She had her surgery this morning.
If it isn't out of gas I don't know what we will do. I'm kicking myself a little for letting the van go anyhow but hopefully this will resolve soon and I will be happy with the car. Jeremy nd I were both sad to let the van go especially to a scrapping place but there really wasn't much choice.

A New Friend

Yep. I finally made a real friend in Omaha. Her name is Laurie. We met through email through our children in not the best way but that is part of what makes it perfect. We both have a child lost on drugs and have much else in common as well. We met for the first time last Saturday at Grisanti's for lunch and she was exactly as I expected, a reflection of my own soul with dark Scorpio eyes. (I have no idea what her Zodiac really is.) We email every day adn share all our little triumphs and defeats and they are all better for it. Friendship.
I am trying to buy a new/used car. We found someone who will finance us but have to find three hundred dollars to put down on it and that is going to be a little tough. The van has no heat or plates still and is killing us on gasoline. We finally paid something on rent, the landlady is being super about us being five months behind!, but that took our car money. And, of course, all of our bills are past due. What a mess. BUT Jeremy's job is going well with overtime except for last week and this mess should start sorting itself out soon. Also, we now have a rider to Marianna with Jeremy who helps with the gas money now.
I took Jami and Kirk to apply at Premier First Staffing yesterday and they might have an accounting job for Jami. She emailed them her resume' yesterday afternoon for the job. They will likely find Kirk work as a forklift or something soon, too, but they are going to be in troubler with their little bills soon and I am in no position to help.

Jessalynn is maybe adjusting to school a bit but we still have a problem with bedwetting. Laurie says it is fear of the father that often causes bedwetting and I don't know about Jessalynn actually being afraid of her father but we do have to force her to go to him on Fridays and even to talk to him on the phone so maybe there is something to that. She is still being bullied at school by a little girl named Abby but we are trying to help her deal with Abby and Laurie, who is a kindergarten teacher's para, says to give her teacher two more weeks to deal with it to teach Jessalynn to trust her teacher, which is sound advice as long as Mrs. Jack gets on it soon. Jessalynn went on a field trip to Fontenelle Forrest yesterday and said that the teacher had separated her and Abby when she told on Abby so maybe this will get fixed. Jessalynn did enjoy her first field trip.
I had Jenise and Robbie for the night for the first time last weekend and it went real well so I hope we can do it more often. The kids were real comfortable here and had fun. Jessalynn and Jenise were giggling until eleven pm. :-)

Halloween

It is the morning after Halloween. Jeremy, Jessica, Jeanette, Jessalynn, Jenise, Robbie and Patrick all went with us although Robbie gave out after the first block and we took him home. The girls didn't go much farther.
Jessalynn was a ballroom princes with a hoop skirt, Jenise was Snow White and Robbie was an adorable little Elmo. We ended the night at Walgreens buying candy to supplement the kids candy and called it a night.
I just woke from the worst nightmare. I won't even write this one, but I had a broken nose in it that still hurts.
Jami and Kirk spent two days and a night here and went home last night. I don't think they had a very good time but Jami got to talk to all of her girls last night. :-)

Jessica's Birthday

We didn't have a big party or anything because Jessica nor I were feeling well today but I gave her her presents, except the bowling ball from Jami, early and we just did he sing Happy Birthday and blow out the candles thing with just Jeremy, Jessalynn, and me.
I feel badly that I canceled on going to Rob's show tonight so Jeanette had to go alone and will be driving home alone any time now but my tooth is so painful now I don't think I could have stood the vibration of the music.
I am going to the dentist tomorrow morning at nine thirty and hopefully this tooth nightmare will end.
We took Jami and Kirk to pick up his daughter but when we got there she told us she couldn't come which crushed Kirk. Even worse for Kirk, he got laid off yesterday from First Star Fiber. I cursed the place for firing Jeremy but I didn't mean to drive them out of business!! I certainly didn't want to hurt Kirk. I guess I am the bad witch Mikelites accuse me of.
We gave Kenny a ride to work at ten tonight and I will be picking him up and taking him home at seven in the morning.
I had to cancel lunch with Laurie today, too, because of the toothache.
It was another beautiful day today but is supposed to freeze tonight. It was already feeling pretty cold when I was last out. Then the next couple of days are supposed to be nice again. :-)
Lindsey called today and we had a fun time on the phone talking about her pet toad. She also told me that Mikey finally has a girlfriend. I was starting to think that boy was never getting back on the horse.....
And that is all for tonight!!!!!

Lost Post????

My last posting isn't here and I have no clue what I did wrong....
Yesterday was a bit brutal with dental problems. I called emergency dental and they never called back before closing so I went to the Creighton ER and they gave me some shots in the mouth and some percoset to last until I can find a dentist this morning. I was in terrible pain ~ didn't hardly feel the shots. And they didn't stop the pain but made it bearable that I could come home and sleep.
Yesterday we went to the Country Store where Jeremy works and bought a bunch of salon products for about a quarter each. That was fun!
I stopped at Jami's after taking Jeremy towork and dropped off some stuff for Kirk's hair and picked up one of Jeremy's movies. Jeremy drives me and everyone nuts with the way he is about his things. If we loan out a movie he will start asking for it back the next day and develop an urgent need to see the movie even if he hasn't watched it for months. One of those little irritating things he does that drive me bonkers and put me in an instant foul mood. He got er on the forklift day before yesterday so that will open up the job market for him considerably.
Jess is having trouble finding a job and getting discouraged but I have faith in her.
It has overall been a good week with no dark spells mentally.

No Longer an Orphan

This outcast finally has family. I found my Uncle Paul's phone number by finding cities for his mane on the Internet and then calling information for those cities and he sent me an email last night. :-) I cried while I waited for a response, terrified that he, too, had disowned me because of my bastard brother and his lies but I still have Uncle Paul and his wife Bonnie and a cousin, their daughter, Yvonne.
I feel like I am someone from somewhere again. The rest of them don't matter at all now!!!!!

Not exactly "daily" is this?

I should change the title of this blog....
I've been fairly upbeat. I have to say it must have something to do with the increase in psych meds I am on but whatever works right now. I can get though the sorrows without falling apart and that is OK with me.
I've had a bit of a scare going. I have two red dots, one on my thigh and one on my stomach, that I was very afraid was MRSA but I am less afraid as they haven't progressed into boils or even pimples but I am still nervous since I don't know what they are and I am around so many who have it. I am careful as I can be but I don't think I know anyone with it who is as careful as I would like them to be. I am treating my spots as though they are MRSA jsut in case and being very careful about myself, too.
Jami's face is clearing up but she will be lucky if it isn't scarred from her last run on Meth and she is doing some tonight, too. Not much, they are struggling to even get their rent paid, but any is too much for her.
Jess almost got caught in what I am sure was a modeling scam today but fortunately her bank card was no good that she tried to use to pay the crooks. I told her to look them up on the BBB and she did and it wasn't pretty at all.
I have been emailing with Rizzo's mom and it seems that she is like me in that she needs someone who understands where moms live with a junkie for a child. It's a form of Hell only another in the same position could know. She writes of living a fake life, a facade for others, that I know all too well. We have become friends and I hope to meet her someday.
Patrick found out his child support is going to be almost $350 and includes getting medical insurance for Jessalynn. I tried to warn him back when he was giving Jess fifty every other week and thinking he was paying her a lot. If he had been fair to begin with and given her two hundred a month I doubt she would have filed.
We ourselves are almost four months behind on rent and the landlord hasn't called because I have been this late before and paid it but I am really worried this time. Jeremy will get his first check Friday and it won't be a full week and he is only making $8.50 an hour. Jessica isn't working at all and her boyfriend has so much he is trying do do he can't help us at all. I'm thinking we might have to move into where Jami is and put everything in storage for a while but no one but me seems to know it is that serious. Jessica got approved for her government housing and will pick up her voucher Wednesday but I haven't heard back on mine yet. It took her three months and it has maybe been a month since I applied. I hope the landlord will give us the standard thirty day eviction. I don't know if the law changes if you are this far behind. I won't stiff them on it. I will pay them off however I can even if it takes a little while. Once I am in government housing or living where Jami does it should be fairly easy to pay them back in a reasonable amount of time. I doubt they will expect to ever see the money once we're gone but they will. They've put up with this too much to not pay them even if it is really a crappy, leaky, house in the ghetto.
I am disgusted with being overweight but don't seem to do too much about it except whine. I need to start working out no matter how it hurts. Walking. Lots of walking. Jessalynn said my belly looked pregnant yesterday, something I've wondered if others thought but didn't ask. I GOTTA lose weight. I've never been this big like this. I gained about this much pregnant and once in 1989 but it wasn't so much in the stomach unless I was pregnant. I can't handle this!!!

A Wednesday Morning

Jeremy's new job is more mixing obnoxious chemicals than driving a forklift and he pretty much seems to hate it but he will keep looking for another job while he works there. 8pm to 7 is pretty tough on him, too, and I'm not too thrilled with the hours either.
Jessalynn has been having problems. She started wetting the bed again when school started and then refused to go to school yesterday morning although she did go in late. I talked to the school counselor yesterday and he said he would work with her and she went to school pretty willingly today so maybe things will get better.
I'm sure Jami is strung out again. She's been looking worse and worse and not working at all. She asked me if I still had some of the withdrawal medicine, Subutex, so I KNOW she is having withdrawals again. I've tried to see her everyday since Lindsey asked me to but I missed yesterday. I'll stop by there this afternoon and see what is up now.
Last night I locked the keys in the van again but managed to get the side door open.
It is getting cold here. I feel winter coming and am not at all happy about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still on the Upbeat

Jeremy has an interview for a forklift job this morning that we are really really hoping he gets. He has been working at the Qwest Center through First Source Staffing off and on the last couple of weeks. Jami and Kirk worked with him one night and then Jami worked there with Jeremy one day and is there working with some of her friends today. Qwest only pays seven dollars an hour but it is better than nothing!!
Jeremy and I got into a slam dunk doozie of a fight a couple of nights ago but things have settled down quite a bit now. The worst of it was that I tried to leave in the van and Jeremy went nuts trying to stop me and I punched him in the face five times. I went to see my therapist yesterday and we talked about it and he is helping me work on not beating the crap out of people. His theory is that I take crap and take crap until I just explode eventually but that really isn't all of it at all. Maybe this time but a lot of the time it just explodes out of the blue when someone, anyone, hits the wrong button with me. But I have a lot of therapy still to go through so I guess we'll get to that...
I'm proud of how Jami is doing although I know she is still getting high and doing some heroin. I just hope she stops or at least keeps it under control. Her father uses but has managed to hold a job for over a year now and takes care of his woman and has a home so there is evidently some kind of balance a junkie can live at. It is impressive that Jami is working. I'm also proud of how Kirk is doing, holding his job, even if by a thread at times, and paying their bills, even if usually late. It does worry me that they have post dated checks out but, again, I hope that will end soon.
Meezie is home and rebuilding his life and Jessica is happy except for all the cooking she has to do for him. She says he eats about ten meals a day and still isn't comfortable enough to come upstairs and cook for himself. Jessica is in the midst of suing Romeo's and looking for another job. She has a contingency lawyer who thinks she has pretty good case against Romeo's for sexual harassment, sexual discrimination, hostile work environment, and persecution for her lifestyle. They are total assholes at Romeos and someone needs to bring them down.
We are pretty broke, three months behind on rent, and driving an unregistered van I just got three tickets for yesterday, but overall I still fell pretty good about everything. My children are good people, my grandchildren are wonderful, Jeremy and I aren't living in a tepee again yet ~ life could be much worse!!!!

An Excellent Saturday

Having a very god day. Jami got out of jail last night, we picked her up at seven forty five. Then this morning I went over there and picked them up and Kirk loaned me a hundred dollars to fix our bank account and then they came home with us. Jami and Kirk came home with us and the guys grilled some ribs for supper. Jami, Jessica and I went to Family Dollar together and bought some stuff and it was great to be out with both of them. I don't remember when the three of us last did anything together. Jami talked to all three of her girls today and had a good time with them. It has been as close as possible to a perfect day. :-)

Saturday Morning Sep. 29

I pulled through the deep funk. Started takng the antidepressant and bipolar meds as prescribed and maybe that helped. Jeremy has been wore half to death at the Qwest center and they even just called at 6 am wanting him back but he had to refuse. He had a bad seizure three days ago and also has a chest cold and is just wiped out. Neither of us have slept five hours in a day for a couple of days and Jeremy is more rund down that than I have ever seen him.
Jami got out of jail last night at 7:45 pm and we picked up Kirk and then her.

Depression

I am in a deep funk. I'm on medication for depression but I don't think there is a pill for this. No pill will change the fact that I am three months behind on rent. Now, there is a pill to help my other major problem but I can't get it.
I failed a drug screen at the pain clinic for Marijuanna so I can't get pain meds for my herniated disc, fibromyalgia, and interstitial cystitis because Dr. Kurt Gold says he can't prescribe pain meds to a "drug addict". so, here I sit, slowly becoming more and more crippled up until I end up useless back in my wheelchair. I'm not an addict. I'll pass the drug screen next month and be put back on the Morphine if I haven't put a bullet in my head by then. But the fact is, I don't know any Marijuanna addicts. I know people who smoke every day but have seen no one go into withdrawal or have any other problem when they quit and I haven't met anyone who couldn't quit.
But I am now classed as a drug addict.
Perfect.

Sunday

Jeremy is going to start working out of Labor Ready tomorrow (hopefully). He can't apply for a lot of jobs available because he can't pass a piss test yet or for at least another month so he will have to work out of temp agencies.
Jessalynn started school Tuesday with Jess, Jeremy, and me taking her and walking her to class. she had a bad experience the first day. She got separated from her class at lunch and some bigger kids threw trash at her face. Then every day got a little better. She has a friend she is very happy with and is coming home all smiles.
Kirk got out of jail Thursday and went to work Friday morning but didn't take care of the rent and when he went to the apartment last night they had changed the locks. I don't know what they are going to do but I can't help them.
Jami is really pissed that Kirk is out while she blames him for being in there. If he had turned himself in when he was supposed to that morning they wouldn't have been arrested that evening but she still would have had a warrant and it would have happened eventually. she is also really mad because Kirk's ex is in there and causing trouble and Jami got moved to high security for her own protection but that means Jami s locked down all the time and only gets one visit a week and that really is wrong.
I talk to Lindsey a lot lately and am enjoying that. She seems to spend a lot of her time caring for her elderly relatives down thee and enjoys it. I'm pretty proud of her!!!!
It's a Football Sunday so Jeremy has control over the TV and knows of nothing else going on. Same o same o. See ya.

Saturday

One of my favorite days of the week especially when it is perfect outside like it is here today. Sunny with a cool breeze. I wish I could be in a place where it is like this a lot more.
No businesses I need to go to are open now that the bank closed (and I already made it there to deposit my check this morning) so I can do whatever I want. Jeremy wants us to go to one of the lakes around here. Jessica is on a modeling gig so we have Jessalynn who would hopefully like it, too. I think I could enjoy it now that I have been forced to be awake. I did NOT want to get up to begin with this morning. I am used to sleeping Friday night when Jeremy works and then Saturday until Jess goes to work around five to make up for running on empty all week.

Been a while

It's been a rough couple of weeks. First Chaos ran away and when we went to the pound to look for him we found out that he had been run over and killed a few blocks from here. The van has been needing work and the side door fell off the other day and is tied in place with rope now. Then Jami and Kirk were arrested Tuesday night for trespassing at Drug Town. Kirk was headed to jail to serve a ten day sentence that day anyway. Jami was arrested for trespassing but is only charged with an old warrant for third degree theft for a hot check she wrote over a year ago. She is in on a five hundred dollar cash bond until she goes to court in twenty days. Kirk's trespassing was dropped so he is just serving his ten days he had scheduled. I have been up there the last two days trying to get Kirk's money to pay their rent but he hasn't signed it over yet so now their rent is late and will be twenty dollars more.
Jeremy losing his job was a huge blow. He tole his supervisor three weeks ago that he was thinking about buying a new car but was worried because his 90 day probation wasn't up and they told him not to worry and to go ahead and bu a car. then last week the company insurance company called to do a phone interview with Jeremy and he admitted to them that he had epilepsy and he was fired about four business days later. They were rude to him about it all, too. It was terrible for Jeremy after working his ass off trying to impress them for the last three months. Rob is trying to get Jeremy hired on at Plastilite with him which worries me because I don't think family should work together but we can't be too picky. There just aren't jobs in Omaha like there used to be. Rob says he doesn't like the helper he has right now and is trying to get them to replace him with Jeremy.
What else. I went for my interview for Govt. Housing and it looks like I might get approved for a two bedroom since I can't live alone and can have Jeremy live there as my caregiver. The background checks turned out to be no big deal for us. BUT Jessica applied for hers in June nd hasn't heard anything. Iasked when I went there if she should be worried and they said she should have heard something one way or another by now so she needs to call them. It she doesn't get govt. housing, too, I won't move because Jess would have no where to go. Ideally we will both get housing and can move in together in the same townhomes or apartments.
Jessalynn didn't get to start Kindergarten when it started this year and still isn't in school. they didn't get her registered until two days before school started and I had made an appointment for her to get her shots that day, too, but they didn't have her shot records. I called and finally got them from UNMC but now we are waiting on getting the shots and the school is supposed to call when they are done with her paper work. Patrick has been calling about the paper work bu no one returns his calls.
I go to Jeanette's Monday through Thursday and sometimes Friday from about noon to four and watch Jenise and Robbie and I have been taking Jessalynn with me since she didn't get to start school. It's been a little rough on me especially with driving Jeremy and Kirk to work at all hours but I have enjoyed this opportunity to get closer to Jenise and Robbie. It took Robbie a few days to warm up to me and he is just starting to really come to me. They are both the sweetest, cutest little ones!! i usually get there while Jeanette is finishing getting ready. I fix the kids lunch and sometimes put Robbie down for a nap although I try to keep him up when I can so he will sleep good for Rob when he gets home at four. I didn't take Jessalynn today to give her and Jenise a break, they have been fighting a lot from too muhc time together. And I wanted a little time with just Robbie and Jenise. Jessalynn is very jealous of me and doesn't like for them to cuddle in my lap.
Lindsey is living in Jacksonville, Florida now. She has been having a rough time with coming to gripe with who her mother is and spends all of her time torn between missing and loving her mom and hating her for all that has happened to her and Joey. I just wish John would lighten up a lot about me because I know I am what Lindsey really needs and wants right now. Even if I fly her here John won't let her stay with me because he still holds a grudge for me taking Lindsey when she was two and not handing her over to him when he said he was ready. I asked him to start paying his child support first to show me he was responsible and he never did. And he seems to think that I was aware of how things were for her with Jami and Mikey not knowing how shut out they kept me during the last few years they were together. It is all stupid now and I just wish he could let go of it and see how much Lindsey wants and needs me. I am all she remembers from her toddler years until the end of kindergarten when Jami married Mikey and took her from me.
I finally had the displeasure of accidently talkng to Clown Shoes. He called when I was at Jeanette's and I looked at the caller ID but I saw the first four and assumed it was an Omaha call. I knew his voice right away. He asked for Jeanette and I said she wasn't home but would be home later that evening. then he aske who he was speaking with and I just said, You don't want to know. That befuddled him a bit and he said that he was Jeanette's father and asked if that made a difference about whenther I would tell him who I was and I said, No, you don't want to know. He asked if this was where Jeanette lived and I said Yes, call back later, and he sounded confused but finally hung up. I was pretty pleased with myself. After all the time after he left wishing I could give him a piece of my mind for what he was doing to the kids, etc. etc. when I realized I had him on the phone I also realized I had absolutely nothing to say to him. And I enjoyed his stupidity to not know who I was. Plus I know he has gone to great lengths to act like he has to hide from me and found out I could care less where he is or what his phone number is. I've known all that for several years although he likely doesn't know that. I also admit I like Jeanette telling me what a dead beat dad he is now. And I assume that a lot of his life out there sucks. I have heard that his sister might be dying from cancer and after she goes he won't have any family there except his girlfriend/wife, no one is sure if he is married or not.
I am seeing Dr. Gold for pain management now and he is thinking I have a herniated disc again. He talks about dong a MRI and surgery but seems to be slow to get things done. In the mean time I am taking 90 mg morphine a day just to get by, I am still in a lot of pain all of the time. I am completely off of the methadone and will never ever take that again. I would rather be in pain.
Jeremy and I are going to be fine somehow. The job loss is going to hurt and we could lose out home and everything and have to move into a place like where Jami lives but I know we will recover. And survive. I have to have faith now that when one door closes another one opens. I have to have faith in a lot of things. It would be a good time to rediscover Faith. I found the Bible I got when I was baptized into the Truth over at Jeanette's and read a little of Proverbs today. I need to get me another Bible to read. that one is King James and I prefer some of the newer ones. I really wish I had a parallel Bible.
Our cable TV got shut off. I think because I signed for Jami's phone and they didn't pay the bill for three months until it was shut off.
Rizzo is over. He came to get he keys to Jami's apartment, he will be staying there until Kirk gets home, and he is getting some of his stuff he left here way back when he was staying with us. He also accidentally spilled the beans a little bit about some of the things Kirk and Jami have been doing and telling me they weren't. I wasn't too surprised although I was a little disappointed because I was really getting hopeful that they might be getting closer to quitting drugs.
It does look like Jami and Kirk were trying to straighten up a little bit about their money. Kirk got paid last Thursday and they opened a bank account and have fifty dollars in it and about two hundred fifty on them. This will be the second time they have paid their own rent. I absolutely can't help them now. Haven't been able to for a while. I have spent so much paying their bills and making sure they have food and we are two, almost three, months behind on our own rent and all of the bills are overdue. They paid no bills out of their last check and it was gone in three days and they didn't even have any groceries except for what they get from food pantries. I won't be able to help even with food any more for quite some time. Kirk is supposed to still have his job when he gets out of jail and hopefully they don't fire him, too.
I have no clue how we are going to get through the immediate financial mess we are in here. the landlord hasn't even said anything yet but I have been behind before and then handed them all of it at once when I got a little settlement money but there is no more of that coming in. I spent most of the last one setting Jami up. And Jeremy and I blew quite a bit. I feel really bad that I thought I had fifteen hundred set back to get Jess's knee surgery and fix her car and somehow the last fifteen hundred dollars disappeared. I tried to argue with the bank to no avail. Of course I wish I had set back three months bills in case Jeremy got fired but I thought he would make that pretty quickly. I miscalculated a lot of things. Like how much we would be spending on gas with me driving the van to take Jeremy to work adn them pick him up. It cost six dollars a trip for just that. Hopefully his next job will be closer or on a bus line. Right now I have to fight to keep the phone, gas and electric on. Jess says she has some modeling jobs coming up this month that might help but her finances are a wreck, too. Her cell phone has been shut off and her bank account overdrawn for about a month now. she has been sick, too. she went to the ER with abdominal pain Saturday and they suspect a cyst on an ovary but aren't sure yet. She has missed a couple of Miller Beer gigs because of it but has a modeling thing going on tomorrow night that I think she will get to.
And that is the update for now from here. Everything sure can change at the drop of a hat. We were both so shocked when Jeremy got fired I don't think it sank in for the first day. And we knew we were already in financial trouble before that happened. I could almost see how we could catch up on everything in a fe w more paycheck but now they have stopped. I wish I could work. I am so much more qualified to find a job than Jeremy. And I think he had some problems with getting along with the management at First Star from some of the rude comments made to him when they fired him. His shift manager escorted him out after firing him and while they were waiting for me to pick him up she asked him why he always asked her why when she had ordered him to change what he was doing or working on. He said he asked because when they changed his orders he was afraid he had done something wrong and asked because he was worried and she replied nastily, "Well, see where worrying got you!" then when I got there I saw Jeremy stop Tim, the upper boss, and tell him he would be calling him, and I saw Tim's irritated face when he asked Jeremy Why. I have the feeling they didn't like him at all and he doesn't have the perception to know when someone doesn't like him. They might have eventually let him go even if they hadn't found out about the epilepsy. I feel really sorry for him being so ill equipped to deal with people. If we had time I wish we could go through job service for the disabled so there is no need to lie about his condition or worry about being found out. And it is more than the Epilepsy. His learning and emotional disabilities hinder him greatly I am sure. Jeremy has no idea how he is being received by those around him most of the time and he can seem quite juvenile especially if you don't know him well.
OK. I think I have done with the updates here. None of it was good news, was it?? I think the last good news we got was Jeremy getting the job at First Fiber.
OH, we took Jessalynn to Septemberfest Saturday and blew about sixty dollars on her. That was before Jeremy got fired but I don't regret the expense. I really wanted to take her since i used to take Lindsey when she was little. Jessalynn even went on some of the big kid rides with Jeremy and wasn't scared. She loved the swings. I went on them with her the last time, the only ride I went on, and I got petty sick although I didn't throw up this time. Jeremy ended up getting sick, too, after going on a crazy ride that went upside down. Jessalynn couldn't go on that one, thank God.
there was a free concert there in the evening and Skid Row played last which was very exciting for Jeremy. He ws right up by the stage through all of it shooting video and collecting guitar picks and drum sticks thrown in the crowd. I spent the concert sitting with Jessalynn in my lap sleep and very uncomfortable. Next time I will go home and pick Jeremy up when it is over. WE should have done that this time. Then Monday we took Jessalynn to the Labor Day Parade downtown . It lasted two hours, surprised me for such a small city, and Jessalynn and Jeremy got lots of candy. I found out later that Patrick was up there looking for us but we never saw him.
So here's to more future good news and a better future. I hope Jeremy finds a job that is less physically demanding where people appreciate how hard he tries to please. Jeremy has grown up so very much since I met him five years ago and worked on so many things to improve himself that I just can't believe no one will take him on. I do plan to investigate filing disability of some kind for him again. Maybe partial disability.
Until we meet again.

Saturday

Depressed and irritable. Likely the drugs I m on and the withdrawals from the ones I've stopped. I feel like a jukie.
I'm not sure what to do about applying for public housing. I don't think I'll be able to with Jeremy living with me plus I need to figure out something about getting some kind of a caregiver. I hate the filth I live in since I can't clean my house. It doesn't bother Jeremy or Jessica enough to think to clean it up and I am sick of badgering Jeremy to do it. He is either in bed or at work. Jess says they will run a background check on anyone you live with and I doubt Jeremy would pass their check. I'm not even sure I will!! although I should get by and I do qualify since I am legally disabled.

Jami Phone Off

Jami's phone got disconnected for nonpayment and I signed for it so here I go again. I know it will be at least two hundred and don't remember what I paid for a deposit. Jami says they will arrange to make payments but I don't see how when they couldn't keep up the payments.
Still having withdrawal pains. I don't know how much longer they will last but I know I will never take Methadone again. It is bad enough that I am on Morphine now but I hope to be off of it soon. Jeremy missed three days word this week so his next check will suck pretty badly. It doesn't much matter. I can't figure out how to pay everything anyhow.
I go for my section eight application next Thursday and hopefully will get subsidized housing unless my background check isn't good enough for them.

Methadone Done

I am through the methadone withdrawals and hope to never go through anything that gruesome again. Tomorrow I am seeing Dr. Gold and will find out what the new regiment will be but am also worried that I won't like what he says. I'm also worried that he could be losing his license soon. Jami tells me that Dr. Gold has something to do with the new pay Methadone clinic in Omaha and I hope that place gets shut down, even if I have to help it happen. They are getting all of the junkies addicted to very, very, high doses of Methadone and charging them $12. a day for it. It seems they have taken semi-functional junkies and turned them into non-functional Methadone addicts.

I went and took care of Jami's rent today and took Michelle to Jeanette's to babysit. I don't have to drive Jeanette to work anymore since they got a second car. I miss seeing her every day but it is a huge stress relief to not have to get out in the heat in the middle of the day.

I encouraged Jami to get a job and she says she will go tomorrow. I hope so. I hate that we are finally making some money and yet have none because we are supporting two households. I told Jami today that it is very unfair to Jeremy and she took it to heart.
I wrecked the van the other day. I backed into Meezie's nice car but he was really cool about it and said it needed work anyway.

Still no plates on the van but I did call James and offered him fifty dollars to get the title for me so maybe he'll do it now.

After the Methadone

It has been a month since I have been online. I was feeling bad before I stoped writing but then just started getting worse and worse off until I could hardly get out of bed. I kept going to the ER and the doctor and they kept running tests but nothing came up until last Thursday Dr. Hay thought I might be having a bad reaction to the Methadone. He wanted me to go to another pain clinic and get withdrawn off the Methadone but I didn't want to wait that long, my new appointment isn't for another two weeks, so I stopped the methadone cold turkey after seeing the doctor. I have been in withdrawals since then and it is one of the most gruesome things I have ever gone through. Methadone withdrawal is tougher than Heroin withdrawal. Jami and Kirk have coached me though most of this. Jami told me that Benadryl would help with the withdrawal and I looked it up on the Internet and found a suggestion to use 100 mg. at a time and it made a world of difference. I also got some valium which helps. I think I am most of the way through it and I will never take another Methadone!!! I'm switching to Dr. Gold for now.
Jami has been having a lot of trouble with mood swings and depression and even a bit of psychotic behavior for the last few weeks until something is going to have to be done for her ASAP. Last night the phone rang and it was their number but no one was on the line when I picked up and then it happened again. No one answered when I called back so I got up and went over there around 1 a.m. Kirk came down to let me in and he was crying and just so lost as to what to do with Jami. I went upstairs where Jami was crying in the bathroom and I stayed for an hour or so until things were peaceful and nice there but I talked to Jami about getting some help and she is now very receptive even willing to be committed. I have been working on this for two weeks. It has been a very rough time for Jami. Lindsey called her last week and told her everything she thought about Jami and her drug use and how it affected her and it tore Jami up very badly. Jami still can't bring herself to tell me what all Lindsey said but I can imagine. I talked to Lindsey and she said that she had told her mom the things that she has been holding in and that she needed to say it but was sad that it had hurt her mother. Then last month Jami and Kirk decided to stop doing Meth because it made their fighting worse and Jami had the realization that she had quit Meth that easy after years of not being able to stop to save her marriage and children. That has hit her very, very hard. It is all sad and all very good for Jami as long as she doesn't give up and decides to fight for her life.
We named our puppy Chaos and Jess named hers Brandy and they are both hell on four feet. You can really tell that they have some pit bull in them, they are really rough little things. And little shit machines. I can't wait until we get them housebroke!!!
Jess got her Section 8 housing but hasn't made any plans to move yet. She is hoping that I get mine and we can both move somewhere better together so I can still help her with Jessalynn.
We got Jessalynn her front teeth a couple of weeks ago and she looks just amazing. She looks more like a Kiser now. I notice a lot that her eyes are like mine and Herbert's and I love that!!! She is also getting very difficult to handle lately, I think she needs a lot more stimulation than she is getting but school will be starting soon and that should end this.
Jeanette got promoted to supervisor at work. They are struggling right now and Jeanette is pretty depressed but they will be OK. Nett had a miscarriage last week that I think bummed her out a little, too, although they aren't really wanting another one right now.
I'm feeling more alive than I have in a long, long, time as I get the methadone out of my system. It is a nice surprise. I didn't realize how numb I had grown to everything. I notice how beautiful the summer is now and how good music sounds. I'm hoping that I find that some of the memory problems I have been having are from the methadone, too, although it could very well be just getting older.
We celebrated our fifth anniversary July 28th. We took Jessalynn with us and went to Red Lobster to eat and then went to the movies and saw the Simpson's movie.
Jeremy and I have been getting along better than we had been for a long, long time since he started working. Besides relieving some of the financial stress, it has had an incredible effect on Jeremy to be working and providing for us. He really likes his job and his self confidence has grown by leaps and bounds. Also we are no longer together 24 hours a day and get to miss each other now and it has been like a honey moon. Well, until this morning. I am ticked off right now because Jeremy copped an attitude because Jami and I seemed to be in such a good mood this morning he decided we must have been partying all night instead of what I'd told him happened. He was a real sour puss on the way home and then when I found out why and got upset he of course didn't apologize but denied that he had copped an attitude even though Jami, Kirk and I had all noticed.
I don't have to drive Jeanette today but I do have to take Jeremy to the doctor. He had some blood in his urine a couple of days ago so I'm taking him to get checked. I should be getting some sleep since I didn't sleep last night but I'm still too pissed to go in the bedroom.
And that is the update here.

Kirk called to work

First Star Fiber called Kirk today to start setting him up for his interviews. :-) I really h9ope he gets this job because I don't see anything else happening for him any time soon. This job would make a huge difference in their lives and mine!! I just hope he gets the graveyard shift with Jeremy or my driving schedule could get really tough.
Jeremy and I are getting along swimmingly. A little forced time apart is good for us. It definitely makes the heart grow fonder. Jeremy is still a little cold about our last knock down drag out but I think he is getting over it. I was terribly harsh with him.It seems now that we fight for any quality time together at all now.
All for now. Lets hope Kirk gets this job and turns all of our lives around!!!!

It is very nice to have Jeremy home from work for his weekend. I knew I would miss him when he started working after all this time together but I've been surprised by how much. I have weird moments where I don't really believe he isn't here or feel almost frightened that he isn't here.
We didn't get to do much yesterday because I was not feeling too great, had that stomach pain again, and I've had the hardest time waking up lately. I've lost count of how may times I've fallen asleep with a cigarette in my hand. Not a good thing! That reminds me, it is time to quit again...
I have to manage to see Jami at some point today. I get upset because they don't take care of themselves yet hate to think of Jami with nothing. Or Kirk. They live such miserable lives slaves to opiates. Most of the time they look miserable even though Jami always tries to be smiling and stuff when I see her. Kirk has one of the worst cases of total lack of self esteem I've ever seen. He is so ashamed of his life but can't seem to break free from the things holding him back, heroin, and his lack of confidence. He would benefit in so many ways from getting a job but lacks the initiative to even get out and find one. Jami and Kirk are aware yet unaware of all of the time passing while they are in Limbo. They are sad at the loss of time but also don't quite get why the world leaves them behind.
I hope to take Jeremy to Walmart today since that is one of the few things he wants to do with his days off this week. It will be hard to keep up with what we both want out of his days off. He will likely want to do stuff and I just want to enjoy that I don't have to do anything. There is a place where our twenty year age difference gets in the way.

Waiting With Jessalynn

I didn't fall asleep like I thought I would after bringing Jeremy home knowing that I didn't have to get up to drive Jeanette today or anything. Part of the problem could be that Jessalynn knows that she is going to a birthday party this afternoon and has woke me up more times than I can count to ask if it was getting close to time to get ready yet. I finally gave up on sleep at one and got up and washed the tub and put Jessalynn in it. Now Grandma Linda is seven minutes late and Jessalyn is starting to wind up for another melt down, at least her second for today.
This child needs more to do.
Maybe I'll get some real rest after she leaves. I now have a migraine in the left eye and have taken four Ibuprophen for it.
It's a sunny haze outside, I imagine it to be humid from looking at it. I don't expect to experience the weather until at least tonight when it has cooled down for the day.
Eleven minutes late now and Jessalynn has a pouting face but is silent in her distress for now. I don't totally blame her. I hate when people are late, too.
I'm gonna go sit with Jessalynn and wait.

Jeremy Emergi Dental

Jeremy's tooth ache was out of control so I took him to Emergi Dental today and they charged $320. to pull a tooth!! Good incentive for us to keep up with our dental so we don't have to go there. We stopped at the store for some ice cream and got home near noon. Late for Jeremy to be getting to bed. Me, too. I have to be out again at two to take Jeanette to work.
I think the Detrol Dr. Felony prescribed is going to be a big help We'll see if I get to sleep more than two hours whenever there is over two hours to sleep!

Puppies Eyes Open!!!!!

Yep, the puppies opened their little eyes today. Jessi brought them up one at a time this evening to show them off. It will be hard to even give one of them away. I still think they look like they have some pit bull in them but it will be easier to tell in a couple of months.
I'm getting ready to take Jeremy to work and then go to the grocery store and get us and Jami some groceries. I know they got some money yesterday bit it all went to the habit as always and they are out of food and drink over there. Likely out of cigarettes, too. I sure hope one of them gets a job soon.....

Sleeping Alone

Well, I'm not alone at night except for Friday when Jessalyn stays with her father, but I'm sleeping poorly without Jeremy waking to look for him and then I am startled awake when I notice him gone. After twenty four seven for five years this could take some getting used to. I would just sleep the same hours he does but I have to take Jeanette to work in the middle of that. I am really wanting to be able to sleep more than two hours at a time no matter when I sleep. The next time I see Dr. Felony I'm going to tell him to focus on whatever will make that possible. I might still wake often but it would be a lot easier to fall right back asleep if I didn't have to get up and pee every time.
Jeremy got the trash out on time this morning and I don't know where he took off to now...

Father's Day

Getting ready to go out to the Casino for Father's Day. Poor Jeremy, only Jami called to wish him a happy father's day. The others just have no clue how involved he is as their father being half of every decision I make and always worrying about them with me.
I've been sick still all day. I think Dr. Hay has missed something but I didn't give him enough to work with since I was feeling better the day I went to see him.
I said nothing about nausea because I thought it was over but it is very bad and I have been taking Reglan today to get to feeling able to out tonight.
I also removed the black color from my hair and am going medium brown more like Jessalynn's color not only because she requested it but I had been thinking about lightening back up for a while. It is just so much work to do. Almost done. One more rinse and then we get ready to go to the Casino. We have a twenty five dollar coupon for the cafe at Ameristar and will likely visit the Black Jack tables.
Wish us luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kirk and Jami Fighting

It will be a miracle if Jami and Kirk don't get kicked out of their apartment tomorrow. Hell, it will be a miracle if Kirk doesn't end up back in jail before the night is over. Kirk called me saying that they were fighting and that Jami wouldn't stop so he was going to leave before the police got there but then I listened to them fight for another ten minutes at least, very loud. Jami was on a rant demanding he get on his knees and apologize for whatever he had said to piss her off and he was refusing and would just get kicked in the teeth or something if he did. She had him by the hair during most of what I heard but as always trying to make it sound to me like he was somehow the one keeping the fight going and abusing her. I spoke to her briefly after Kirk tried to hand her the phone and she wouldn't take it by hanging up and calling back and she answered. I told her she had to cool it and she said it was too hard and went right back to screaming at Kirk demanding he bow before her and accusing him of not loving her and all the usual things she says during these fits. I hung up again after not being able to get her attention and she called right back and said, "OK It's over I'm going to sleep." To which I replied, "Do you know you likely just lost your apartment?" and she actually asked "Why?" When I said it would be for the fighting noise that is forbidden she acted like I was kicking them out and said Fine and hung up.
I think the fight tonight isn't that unusual still for them, the management said something to us about them not fighting any more when we paid the rent last time and their fighting is why no one wanted them to stay with them when they lost their last apartment. Jami just has to blow up like this from time to time and always has beaten every serious boyfriend or husband she has had. BUT this tonight is likely fueled in somehow by her making contact with her children again recently. I just feel that one in the gut.
When they get evicted from there I can't help them find another place. I don't think there is another apartment for rent for that price that they can get into. Jami needs so much mental help as well as withdrawn off of drugs but one has fed the other for so long uncontrolled that it seems hopeless. She is totally unaware most of the time that there is something very wrong with her having always blamed others for these incidents so she is not going to seek or accept help.

New Life

Jeremy loves his new job! He is a forklift driver although he does some other things, too. First Star makes toilet paper and paper towels. The first night Jessalynn and I snuggled and watched movies but last night was her night with her father so I was alone here and that was OK too, except that I was a little worried about Jeremy because he was sick before I took him to work but he got through the night OK. I was disappointed he didn't call and let me know he was OK but there isn't a phone in the break room. He was really sore when he got off today and finally slept good when he got home. It's good he has a couple days off to let his miscles heal and adjust. It's been over five years since he worked because he doesn't even remember when he worked before he met me.
I woke yesterday afternoon to Kirk's bondsman pounding on the door wnting his money. He said he had talked to Kirk earlier and that Kirk had said that he would call him woth the money at 4:30 and hadn't. He followed me to the bank and I paid him off. When I got home Jami called and needed a ride home from CB. Not only did they not have money for the bondsman but they didn't even have 2.50 for bus fare home. I picked them up and they had to ride to take Jeremy to work with me and then I took them home but I did chew Jami out this time and told her they had to get their shit together and at least feed themselves as well as support their habits i.e. someone of both need to get a job. Jim has set Kirk up to get a job with him but Kirk has to pass a drug test...
Gotta go. Jeremy is waiting for me to celebrate his new job with him.

Shopping Alone

I just went grocery and dollar store shopping on my own and had a good time but a very, very, tired and sore. I feel better today but still have that pain where I once had an appendix. I spent almost two hundred dollars shopping but it was fun. I got a lot of things for Jeremy's lunches at work and I got cleaning supplies for me to take over the housecleaning here. Everyone is excited about Jeremy going to work. It is going to change our lives so much. Kirk is going to apply there tomorrow if I can get him up there. I go right past their place taking Jeremy to First Fiber.
Here's to the beginning of a new era!!!!!

Jeremy Job!!!!!!!!!

Yahooooooo!!!!! Jeremy was hired at First Fiber this morning! I was going to lose this house if he didn't get a job soon. Half of my settlement money since we moved in here has gone to paying his share of the bills. If he just paid half I could easy afford it here but he is supposed to also pay me back for supporting him for the last five years. Of course he might just skip out on me now that he is working but that would be workable, too. I'd find someone else to move in or get a cheaper place without him and he has been expensive to keep. ALSO we will see if we can get along better without him being up my butt twenty four seven. He has come a long way since he used to insist on following me into the bathroom but he is still very bad about never letting me have any time to myself. He gets pissed if I go into another room to watch TV when he is watching something I don't like. Drives me nuts. Plus he has to listen in on all of my phone calls and make comments in the background that are usually unwanted. His mom says he is like this because he is so insecure and I can understand that but it has driven me half insane. He even insists on going into all of my doctor appointments with me constantly interrupting me while I am trying to tell the doctor what is wrong even if I beg him before we go i to let me do the talking. I just couldn't have the time and space to describe what our relationship has been like in the perspective. He can be a sweet guy and even fun to be around except he is so around that all I want to do anymore is get away. I want to be able to talk to my daughters girl talk one to one. I want to drive in the van without his music blaring in my ears. And I am going to get all of these thigs if he just keeps working!!!!!!!!!!

Not Much Better

I don't understand what is wrong. I suppose I should have returned to the ER or tried to insist my doctor see me sooner than Friday but I did nothing today. The pain is a little better and confined more to where my appendix once was. I can eat a little but don't really get hungry feeling full and bloated all the time. And in pain although I can make it without taking pain meds as long as I stay abed. Maybe I'll do something about this in the morning...

Not Feeling too Well...

Yesterday I felt bloated, full, and sweaty all day. I went and took Kirk to the ER to get his ribs checked out, he broke a few recently during a seizure and then fell on them but he checked out OK at the ER, just bruised this time. I was feeling weak by the time I took him and Jami home. I got home around ten p.m. and fell right asleep only to wake up in terrible upper abdominal pain. I tried to go back to sleep but kept waking, being hit by worse and worse waves of pain. I got up around midnight and debated calling an ambulance and ended up driving myself to the hospital. I don't remember the drive. The nurse tried to put in an IV to give me pain meds and got a vein in my wrist that hurt so bad he had to pull it back out to get me to stop screaming and I got the pain shot in the butt. They ran all kinds of bloodwork while I faded in and out on the pain meds and they couldn't find what was wrong. The doctor said it is likely too early in whatever is going on to show up in blood work so they sent me home on pain meds with instructions to follow up wit Dr. Rosman in the morning but all of the doctors at the clinic are booked until Friday. I've slept as much as possible and the pain is now lower near where my appendix used to be. I have the feeling I will be back in the hospital before Friday. I HATE not knowing what is wrong and hurting so bad!!!!!!!!! And I don't have time for this. How am I going to take Jeanette to work tomorrow? And Jeremy finally has a job interview tomorrow morning at sever a.m. I had promised to take little Jessalynn to the park today and have had to deal with her disappointment all day, poor thing. She has been giving me lots of kisses trying to make me well. They do make it easier to bear!!
I am very much enjoying having my bedroom to myself. I still had to deal with Jeremy pouting about the laundry today but at least his company is limited now.
OH, the pain meds are wearing off again or it is getting worse. Gotta get back to bed.

Jeremy

I have been feeling more and more used by Jeremy lately ad finally blew a gasket over it. I have been supporting him ever since we met five years ago and it ends now. I booted him out of the bedroom and refuse to take him everywhere I go like he always demands. He gives me shit every time I want to do something for one of my own children but sits on his ass spending my money on whatever he wants.
He swears he loves me but then makes me miserable with his constant bitching and bullying until I can take no more!!! I asked him to leave but he has no where to go so he is still here but his game is up.

Dinner With Jami and Kirk

We took Jami and Kirk to the Horseshoe Casino for dinner tonight and had a nice time. :-) We all played a little bit of penny slots and then came home with our purses full of deserts. Jami and Kirk came home with us to get some of their things out of storage here and have a load of laundry in. We'll take them home and then get to bed so Jeremy can get up early to work on the car in the morning.
Asia and her two puppies are doing well.

Chuck E Cheeze

This evening we picked up Jenise and took her and Jessalynn to Chuck E Cheeze Restaurant. I was looking forward to the new and improved things they must have since I ws there twenty years ago with my little ones and was so very disappointed to find it was instead not nearly as good. The show used to be lively with a gorilla that looked real enough to frighten and fascinate the kids. He was gone and only the Chucky's character even had a movable mouth. Sad Sad Sad. The pizza was the same flat tasteless thing a before and the games were mostly cheesier than the pizza. BUT at least the girls knew no better and still had a lot of fun. They both dutifully ate a piece of pizza and then played for a couple of hours. Jeremy played too and was the last one ready to go. We brought the girls home and they played here until ten when we took Jenice home. She is talking so much and so clearly now!!!
We ended or evening with a trip to Blockbuster Video and are off to bed.

Lost Puppies

Asia gave birth to two still born puppies today. It is supposed that she mated with two different dogs on different days and the black puppies weren't ready so were still born. I thought the second one yesterday was black but it was brown once it dried off. We tried everything to revive the first one, Jess and Jeremy even tried mouth to mouth but to no avail. They are buried under a tree outside the back gate.

Pupppies!!!!!!!!!!

Asia started giving birth this evening. She had a fat little brown puppy with a white tipped tail and one white foot around 9 pm and she came up with Jess to show me the pup so we thought she might be done but then she laid back down panting and about two hours later she gave birth to a tiny, tiny, black puppy with a white tipped tail and maybe white tipped feet, hard to tell it is so tiny. We were all staying out of the basement where she is having them except for Jess so Asia wouldn't get upset but then Jess started calling for me in fear after the second pup came because Asia bit at it but by the time I got there she was just licking it and urging it to nurse. We all watched nervously because the puppy was so tiny but it latched firmly on and looks like it will make it. Asia is still laying with them panting from time to time so maybe there will still be another but I sure hope the next one is bigger if there is one!! It appears she mated with both the big dogs she was running with which is fine since they were handsome studs even though it spoils her pure blood line. I want to keep at least one of the pups.
Jessalynn went to the dentist today and got three teeth pulled and two capped so she has been getting spoiled all day. She was a real trooper and isn't even afraid to go back to the dentist next week.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!!!

We started celebrating my birthday last night. We went to the Horseshoe Casino in Council Bluffs and had dinner at their steakhouse and then started gambling. It was Jeremy's first time to go to a big casino. We started at the slot machines where Jeremy Lost twenty and I lost sixty dollars and then we went to the Black Jack tables where I watched and Jeremy played and lost a couple of hundred dollars. We left go come home but got stopped by a train and turned around to go another way when I realized it was after midnight and officially my birthday so we went back to the Casino! This time we each sat down with a hundred dollars at the Black Jack tables and we played until 4 am with Jeremy losing and me winning. I won something over three hundred dollars. At the Horseshoe you get back what you lost the first twenty four hours up to five hundred dollars the first time you go so it was all fun money. Jami gave us a half off coupon to use for dinner so we ate real fancy for forty dollars. :-) It has been too long since we had that much fun together. We are getting ready to go back there to have our free buffet dinners we won and finish out our twenty four hours. See ya!!!!!!!!!

Start Driving Jeanette

Today I started driving Jeanette to work. This will be an excellent way to reconnect with this daughter of mine. I am only worried that I don't have AC and I hate to work an office job after a sweaty ride. It was a nice day with a cool breeze so it wasn't too bad but we stopped on the way home at Jiffy Lube to get the AC charged and were told that there is a leak in one of the lines that they don't fix. We should go to U Pull It for the piece but will just buy it if we can't do that. Jeremy applied for a job at Nebraska Furniture Mart between dropping Nett off and Jiffy Lube and then when we got home there was a message from First Fiber, the first place he applied for work, so it looks like he is about to find a job one way or another.
It will be strange having Jeremy working after five years together without him working. We get sick of each other at times but I will miss him terribly I am sure. I had to have him home for most of the last five years since I was too disabled to do anything for myself but I am getting better so he needs to go to work not only for the money but for his self esteem.

Pain Free Night

Yep. Had the first night without waking from pain in a while last night. But I'm still so exhausted from the two previous nights that I still didn't get much done today. We got up late and went to pay Jami's rent @ a pro-rated amount of $171. for the month. Then we went to take Nett to work but she had a ride for today so we came home intending to go do more but I fell asleep and blew off the rest of the day. I did just set up phone service for Jami beginning June 7th. Jeremy is of course upset that I'm doing that since they couldn't even pay their rent. I told him it is my birthday present to myself to be able to call my daughter. Yea, he's right, they're screwing up big time. I just hope they get a grip soon.

Robbie's First Birthday Party

The first thing Jesalynn said this morning was When are we going to Aunt Nett's for Robbie's birthday party?? So we heard that all day until it was time at 7:00 pm. It was just us with their little family. Rob filmed Robbie getting his cake. Jeanette got a sheet cake that came with a free tiny cake that she put the candle in for Robbie. He didn't quite know what to do with the cake but Nett helped him out.
We came home at 9:30. I've been exhausted all day after having a terrible night. Oh. Now Jess wants Taco Bell so here I go but then I'm going to bed!!!!!!!!