"Home Crap Home"

 Title stolen from "The Money Pit".

After years of being disabled and then a month of being almost completely  brdridden I am living in a trash filled, cluttered, dump. 

I've been up for 5 days and made my "to do" list for my home this morning. I started with the living room and might not even get that done properly. I know I can't. I haven't even finished sweeping and I ache all over and want to cry. Its not just sweeping. Its picking up the trash, moving furniture, and all the gross surprises I find when I do. 

Jessalynn was right that my house is disgusting but I am still right to feel that her observations should have only been directed at Me. I feel outraged that I have TWO healthy adults living with me who I almost completely support and my home is what it is. 

I still get that feeling of Karma. The horror and shame I felt when I went to take care of my dying mother and saw the filth she had been living in. I might be just destined to end my days in filth. I'm not Ever going to not be disabled and my condition is only getting worse as I age. Every hope I have had to fix this was a false hope. When I took in Jami and Kirk last year, let thrm build a room for themselves in the basement they said they would help. Were horrified no one else helped me. And then they did nothing. Didn't even clean up after themselves. Let dishes mold downstairs until most had to be thrown away and replaced. I know. Was foolish to hope they would be any different than all the other times I took them in. I once hoped Keetra would at least be someone I could pay to help me but her addiction made her unable to even help herself. I have No One else, can't afford to hire help and actually would  be embarassed to let hired help see my home. I bet it would cost hundreds to have a maid service dig this out!!

Karma.

What they really think

 In this nightmare with Jessalynn jami had been telling me that Jess didn't really know what had happened. All year I have waited for it to come up, to maybe tell my side of it. 

Well, it came up. Raised its diseased head. If Jess doesnt know what happened doesnt really matter. I've been judged and found guilty. By Kira, too. 

I was saying that Jessalynn was welcome here for Christmas and it all broke loose. NO ONE cared what my side might be. 

I just got in the van and left. Destination No Where. Again.

Again, Jami saved me.

I called, likely hysterical. She asked where I was and I told her I was by dollar tree on 99th but not to come, that I was moving the van. I drove into the Walmart parking lot and I'll be damned if I didnt see Jami walking up. I tried to duck down,  too late. She got in. Took me to Harrah's hotel and had Andrew get me a room. 

I was alone there. Scared at first but then I realized I WAS ALONE there!! 

I didnt even know I needed to be alone!! No one judging or hating me. 

She may have saved my life again. 

Jeanette texted me. Said she had received a Bunch of hateful texts about me after Thanksgiving from Jess. Said I was living in a dangerous, toxic environment. That kinda floored me 

I didnt even sense that from Jess!!

Jeanette told me to go where she works and I did. And finally, someone listened to what really happened last Christmas and didnt blame me. 

Jami never blamed me either. Jeremy kind of did. Definitely did but wasnt going to actually say it. 

Jeanette said she invited me Thanksgiving knowing Jessalynn wouldn't approve and didnt care. 

She also invited me to go stay with her and I'm thinking about it. 

What's it like to live in a house where I'm not hated???

I don't know.

Jess is Kiras favorite person. Is that why Kira treats me with disrespect that borders on hatred??

I've been thinking it was just a teen thing.

What if it isn't??

I'm sick of wishing I was dead all the time. 

I'll be dead soon enough. 

Do i have to hate the rest of my life??

I feel like I am always begging Jess and my grandchildren to Love Me.  That one day they will just wake up and SEE that I love them. That maybe I deserve to be loved. 

I am always defending Jess. Making excuses for the horrible person she acts like. I think how Jessalynn said I was disgusting for the way I treat Jeremy and LOOK at how Jess treats him Every Day. 

I listen to her bitch about my cat after YEARS of cleaning up after her dog, walking him cuz she won't,  trying to clean his messes before Jeremy sees them and gets upset. 

I listen to her bitch about what a mess Jeremy makes when he out works here ALL THE TIME,  cleaned up after her when she didn't lift a finger to help with anything for years.  (but this were he meth years,  she wasn't really Her Rhode years) for years. He moved her 3 times  because she had no one else to do it and she still BITCHES about the things he broke moving her  crap BY HIMSELF. Not ONCE did she ever thank 

Jessalynn can take care of her. They deserve each other.

No future planning

 I believe at some point I stopped making plans for the future almost completely. I stopped making shopping lists, plans to pay bills or do almost anything. If this started before the pandemic then the pandemic certainly made it worse. I'm not sure why I stopped,  I only today realized that planning wasn't in my head at all. One day at a time has its merits but definitely isn't serving my family well.

I think being sick and disabled plays a big part in this but I also believe I can do better. NEED to do better.

It doesn't help at all that my memory has gotten so bad that today I felt like making any kind of plans was totally foreign to me. 

I also seem to live in an exaggerated state of Hopelessness that started with my COPD and heart condition diagnoses and was stopped of by the depression following losing Jessalynn last Christmas. That makes it probably at least almost a year like this.

This should be something I can fix or at least do better at. Maybe start writing again, lists of things to do, that need done and maybe daily journaling to keep track of plans and remember them.

Thanksgiving with Jeanette

 I was so happy to be invited to Thanksgiving with Jeanette!! I was very sad Jess wouldn't go but Jami was invited,  too, so we were almost all together. 😁

I have to mention, there is a Huge difference in David. He is So Much more relaxed and friendly!! It makes me very happy for Jeanette!! I think their Jamaica trip certainly helped but it was more than that. 

I did feel terrible that I asked Jeanette if I could show up around noon to hang out and then everything started snowballing around that plan and worst of all I didn't call and explain. 

We really do need to hang out some time 

I ended up getting scary sick and Jeremy had to take us home  but that's another story for another place 

For here and now, we had a lovely family Thanksgiving.

Halloween 2021 written Nov 1st

 This year we only had 4 kids to take, Jazz, Kira, Shy and Riley. Riley decided to go late so we just took a devil mask and a light up mask from a movie I cant remember the name of

The girls costumes were a lot more work. Jazz was Wybi (probably spelled wrong,) Kira was Coraline and Shy was a dead prom queen. We searched through thrift stores for days looking for things to make their costumes. Oh and Jenise went with us once to look for a suit to make her Beetle Juice. (Which turned out just amazing!!)

We got lucky and found a yellow rain coat for Kira, then we found black rain boots to paint yellow. I bought three sets of leg warmers at Dollar Tree thai I cut into pieces to make striped leggings. For Shy we had to find a formal dress to ruin with red blood, used red acrylic paint, then a lot of fake blood safe to be on her skin. We also got Kira a blue wig they cut to look like Coraline's hair. Of course most of the work was done last minute and the cold weather and the unheated house didn't dry any of the paint in time. I Know there is yellow paint all over where Kira sat in the van, there us probably a little of the blood paint where Shy sat. Jeremy painted her dress on the porch so red paint is on the porch floor and in the house. 

Most of the neighborhoods we went through to pick up Riley didn't look like Halloween. We saw No One trick or treating until I Drove to Cherry Hills where we have gone for at least 10 years. EVERYONE was there!! I would drop off Jeremy and the kids and they would finish long streets before i could get through the traffic to them. One time i was sitting in the same spot for 45 minutes, gridlocked. 

But it was still so fun to watch them running around with the dozens of other families all dressed up and all the houses that were over the top decorated! We ended like always, driving to the house across from Benson West. They take "over the top" to a whole new level every year. 

Last stop was Lamar's house, also our tradition. He wants to see their costumes and gives them handfuls of candy every year.

Last was a stop at McDonald's through the LONG line to feed them. We dropped Riley at his house and got home around 11 PM 

.I can barely walk today. Last night my back hurt so badly I kept waking up in pain and thirsty but couldn't scoot over to reach my drink or my phone to call for help 

But I Love Halloween with the kids!! I very much missed having Jenise and Robby. I think Jenise went with her boyfriend and Robby just wanted to stay home and hang out with his friends 😭

I know I won't have many more years of this. The youngest 3 are almost all 13. And i know i won't be around much longer anyhow. 

But at least i have decades of memories of my children and grandchildren Trick or Treating.  😁🤗😂💖

Jami and Mike trailer

 I saw where Jami is living. They are in a camper in/near Lewis and Clark park. There is a farmhouse near by she says they rent the land from. 

It looks like they will freeze to death there this winter.

There are a handful of campers, shelters, around them. We went to take them to get a little propane tank filled. 

She hinted at moving the camper here but no way would the landlord or Jeremy allow that. It would be just terrible for all of us. AND no way can we afford the extra utilities for them! We are barely surviving with just us. 

Can't move them in either. Jami's warrants are one thing and the general dislike for Mike is another huge deal. Plus just cant deal with the human waste again!! Last time was just horrifying. The smell of sewage surrounded us like a black cloud. 

I have no clue how they survive. It doesn't seem a lucrative place for Mike to be dealing meth unless Lewis and Clark is crawling with addicts. 

But that is all moot with the landlord situation.  I couldn't believe we got away with it before! I'm pretty sure the pandemic just starting was part of it.

Saw Kirk at NOVA yesterday

 Yesterday when we were dropping off supplies,  clothes etc., Kirk was being walked through the office area and I got to give him a hug and have a quick word. 🤗

He looked really good, his hair looked a lot longer! But he looked healthier than he has in Years. 

I feel badly, kind of awful, for keeping all this from Jami but dont see any Good reason to tell her what is going on. 

She will Not Be Happy we didnt tell her!!

She seems very settled with Mike Watson in their trailer. They are Definitely a couple. She says she hasn't uses opiates in over a month, I Do believe that since Mike only does/deals meth, but that doesnt mean she is Safe. Doesn't mean she wouldn't go back to opiates if they were made available. 

Kirk is clean of course, but I've seen with Jami how ineffective Forced Being Clean can be. 

I am afraid that Kirk only has 30 days at NOVA Rehab and that won't be nearly long enough. 

I'll check that 

Winter is Coming

 It's below seventy degrees in the house today.  I still haven't paid off last winter's heating bill. 

I am broke. Not yet broken,  but definitely broke. Beyond broke. In debt.

I even thought about the teepee we built in Texas. We could have fire, keep warm. Bonus: No fire ants to battle here. 

Jasmine is 13!!!

 Today is Jasmine's 13th Birthday!! Kira has a surprise party planned that I still am not sure how we'll pull it off!! About to pick Kira up from school to come and prepare, about a dozen things could go wrong, but it will be a Party!!!

A Beautiful Fall Morning

Sitting outside in the porch in the spot Jim sat in much of the time he was here.  It is going to be a beautiful day. 

Heart incident

I kept feeling like I needed a metoprolol but every time I got up to take one I got sidetracked.  Jazz had an sppt at 315. While waiting I checked my pulse.  Was skipping every third or so beat. Discomfort, some chest pain. Made it home, took meds, feel better but very very tired.

Zoo with Jeremy Kira Riley

Already 4:00 when we got here but at least we are here, Out Of The House.  I wish Jazz would have come!! Maybe next time.

I'm sitting. Can't walk today. Dr. Gold gave me an injection in my left knee Thursday. Felt better for a little bit. Maybe it's still better, just not very good. 

I told Dr. Gold that I have been depressed feeling like i am losing my independence.  He simply said "You definitely are" in that "accept this" tone he has. 

Harsh acceptance.  

I'm just realizing what arthritis means for me. I've known I was diagnosed with it and somehow thought it was an annoyance I would have to deal with. 

When it Really Hit recently I was stunned at how Very painful it is!! Every joint in my body started screaming, not just when I move but even waking me all through the night.

Again. Adjusting to my New Reality.

It is a Beautiful Day.  Sunny with a cool breeze.

I'm alone.  Don't know where they are. Wishing I was with them!! when I should just be enjoying that I am out here on this beautiful day. Happy families everywhere. 

I think I could walk over and look at the gorillas, or go in the rain forest. But then they will worry I'm not where they left me.

I think I'm going to let them worry a little. 

I can't just sit here feeling sorry for myself!! 

It will hurt to walk, I could end up in trouble,  unable to get back. 

Someone will help the crippled old lady.

I'm going to see the gorillas 

NEXT DAY

I didnt make it to the gorillas.  I started to walk there but realized it was downhill and I might not make it back up. So I started to head for the Lied Jungle when I saw the leaves moving in some bushes. I crept closer and noticed a group of female peacocks hiding there. I was happy to see some aninals!! I stood there watching them until I noticed Jeremy and the girls walking back.

So. I saw peacocks at the zoo. 🙂

James Frederick Cooper Jr

Jim died 2 days ago. Billy posted that it was a heart attack. Poor Raymond found him dead on Ray's birthday. 

I talked to Jim a week ago. He said he'd been really sick but was recovering. 

Mostly he was wanting to end his year long feud with Jami. I got the message to her right away and she was trying to contact him but sadly they didn't get a chance to talk before he was gone.

Gone. Dead. Passed on. All so final. 

I was in a panic for hours trying to get Jami home, with me, before she found out but it was on Facebook and Lindsey told her right after I talked to her asking her to please come home.

It was still ok, Jami still came here.

Then my own grief hit me. 

Jim could be such an ass hole. Yet he was and wanted to be so much more. The wanting to be, that's what endeared him to people.

Michael took it really hard. I had a hard time telling him. 

I feel the difference in this world without him. In my world without him. 

He was someone who Believed in me. Maybe one of the last. 

Kirk Charges

I don't know.  I'm told that Kirk is being charged with 2 people overdosing and dying from fentanyl. OMG I can't believe this is happening.  

One of them, maybe both,  but one for sure Kirk wasn't even around.  

I hope to be able to speak to his attorney next week. 

Jazz Kira School

The girls are supposed to start school at Macmillan tomorrow. I hate this. I NEVER wanted them to go to Macmillan but don't have a reliable car to take them to a better school.

AND there is the whole COVID th iij ng still going on. I really cant brlievecwe are expected to send them to school with the viral mutations making the world more and more dangerous. 

I could homeschool them and still might. The problem there is that these A and B students failed the 6th grade doing remote learning last year. 

I will let them attend at least a week and pray they survive it but very likely will pull them back out.

I should have helped them a LOT MORE last year.

I won't let them fail again if they have to remote or home school.

kirk update

I know a little more about Kirk's  situation. 

There was a sealed indictment for him since January that was unsealed when he was arrested last week. I still don't know the exact charges against him but 98% sure it is tied up with his associate Dee getting indicted over a year ago on drug charges. There were also possible manslaughter charges for three fentanyl deaths but I think those were dropped. 

I don4 know why they didn't arrest Kirk ssd sooner.  It wasn't a secret he was living here, this address is even on his state ID. One possible reason could be that they were watching him although Jami says that's not likely.  

The deal with living here was that he was NOT supposed to deal drugs but I believe he violated that deal. I would see cars pull up and Kirk go our to it and it leave and I would tell him that looked suspicious to me and he said it wasn't what it looked like.  I was planning to turn him in myself to protect my family before he was indicted.  I figured that if he wasn't dealing it wouldn't hurt him and that if he was I would protect the family. 

I can see parts of the indictment online but only legal professionals can access all of it. 

Jami hasn't been here since he was picked up. I keep looking but dont see an indictment for her. She says she was in jail when Kirk was with Dee but I remember her being around at least a week, with Kirk and Dee, before Dee was arrested. I even remember giving them a ride to a house she said Dee was renting not far from here. 

Whatever. There isn't an indictment for Jami. 

If Kirk was being watched since January then Jami was definitely seen with him. But then again I still dont know the exact charges against Kirk. 

He has been assigned a Federal public defender. I know it is all very serious but wait to know more. 

Snow Ball to Hell

So here I sit with little or nothing on the brink of actual disaster. Where can I say it started? Did it even Jeremy totaled the car? My car! Or did it just start like the rest of the country with this pandemic.

No car. A $600 disconnect on gas and water. Very little food. School starting less than a week with no way to get them to and from school, no school that they are enrolled in, no proper clothing for school or supplies, nothing but disappointing stories to tell the children. A new low for us or at least one not visited in a very very long time. 

Kirk Indicted

August 9th

Kirk was just arrested on a federal warrant, he was indicted but I dont know the charges. Hes in Sarpy County.

Jami disappearing again

Every now and then Jami will disappear for hours or days. It's often with Rizzo.

This Jami Kirk Rizzo triangle has gone on for over a decade. I don't know how Kirk and Rizz have dealt with this for all these years. They both love Jami and she may love them. Drugs have a lot to do with it all. Jami does seem to be with whichever can supply her habbit but also Kirk and Rizzo connect with each other for drugs too at times. It was over 10 years ago the first time I stopped by and the three of them were staying together in a one bedroom apartment,  even all sleeping in a big bed. No, there was never any threesome stuff, just high and passed out together. There is even a place in the room they built in the basement here that Rizz often stays in.

Everyone feels sorry for Kirk but also no one knows why he stays with her. 

We've all seen the pattern. They will be out of dope and Jami will start a fight with Kirk and then storm out and Rizzo will be waiting somewhere near and they take off. Kirk's grief is unbearable to be around when this happens! But he stays with her. 

This time she left in their truck early yesterday saying she was running to the gas station for cigarettes,  would be right back, and it's almost 24 hours later and she is still gone. I've been messaging her and get no response. About ab hour after she left I drove to the gas station to see if she was wrecked or pulled over along the way. 

Now it's the tension of worrying what will happen when she returns. 

She never really says where she's been. Sometimes there is a long convoluted story about broke down vehicles and dead phones.  Sometimes we have to deal with angry people coming looking for her because she took off with their money. This time it was Keetra showing up after midnight. Last time it was a very angry woman banging on our windows and doors. 

I never got an explanation or apology of any kind for that one.

I just don't get it. She does this with no care for how it upsets and even endangers all of us. I try to shield Kira from it but she knows. You can hear people through the vents in this house and all of the kids have heard the arguing when Jami returns or just arguments about drugs in general. 

I know she is a drug addict. I let her move in on the condition that there wasn't drug dealing or violence in this house. Really, it is that I KNOW drugs will kill her soon and I don't want the guilt if she dies on the street and I end up spending the rest of my life wondering if I could/should have protected her, done more.

Where is the Line?

When do i admit trying to save her does unforgivable damage to the rest of us? Especially the children?

Where the hell is she 

When will she return

What will happen when she gets here

?

2:00 am

Sitting on the porch listening to the insects chirp and the wind blowing through the trees. Nature sounds always make me think of life on the farm. The wind blowing through big trees is magnificent! There is a huge glorious tree across the street. I would love to have one like it in our yard!! I'd have a 2 level tree house in it and be sitting in it right now.

I Was

I remember feeling intelligent, accomplished,  necessary,  even brilliant at times. 

I have no clue why.

"I can still tell that you used to be pretty"

Can any other indirect statement so quickly rob you of you delusion of being anything but old and ugly?? 

Those words sent me to look in a mirror, really look, at the wreck t hff at had been my face. 

It made my so glad that I always told my mother how beautiful she was. And, of course,  to me she truly was. 

But I dont think anything anyone could say would have made her believe, feel, otherwise. If she ever doubted her Beauty I never knew. 

I'm not so secure (or delisional!)

Very little of my life was spent believing I was pretty in any sense. 

I hoped that if I got Here that I would rest in believing that I had Inner Beauty.  

Maybe it's the prevailing depression, but I have been even more disillusioned about my Inner Beauty.

Maybe a starry eyed Faith in God and a belief that there is Good in Everyone and the peace from those beliefs once gave me Inner Beauty.  ???

I just know that ever since I heard those words I have woke up old and ugly every single day. 

Its actually liberating in a way. No more make up or fancy hair cuts. No more "watching my figure". 

But it just feels too much like just waiting to die when i give up on Trying.

Maybe Sad 

Movie night

Last night Kira, Jazzy, Robby, Shy and Jeremy piled in my bed to watch the new Conjuring movie. I need a bigger bed!!! But I love these times togwther❣💞💞

I hope we can do something tonight too. 😃

Today

I'm very stiff and sore today, likely from the last week planning and planting my flower  garden. 

In the scorching heat or freezing cold, I always prefer to be outside. There is always So Much I should be doing in the house but I would always rather work on the outside. Maybe I've always been this way. In a perfect world for me the people here who prefer inside would clean the house so I'm not out here always thinking I should be inside working. 

Today the garden must rest. I elieve I could push through the pain and then be fine working out here. But the nightmare I call My Room has to be dealt with. The girls want to hang out today and I promised them I wouldn't wear myself out in the garden and end up too exhausted like yesterday and too many days. And if part of my time with them is watching a movie and some anime in my room I have to dig it out. 

It is just piles of clothes and junk that ho to the ceiling in places. I haven't been able to get to my closet in about a year. There are at least 2 hefty bags of socks in baskets, bags, and boxes in there. Clothes of every style and size, mist if it likely not wanted by anyone. 

I know they say a room like mine causes depression, sleep problems and probably more issues but I often just feel helpless looking at it. 

Today I tackle it.

It will probably be more exhausting than building a snow fort.....

Kittens

The feral cat (who isn't so feral now) that we call Baby Mamma had her kittens on the front porch about 6 weeks ago. We were thrilled at the honor, she couldn't have said she trusts us more clearly! and the kittens bring us a lot of sunshine. I barely do anything anymore so I might enjoy these little things a lot more. 

She had 6 kittens but one, the only black one, died the second day. The remaining 5 are fat, healthy, and beautiful 💕. I have the only survivor from her last litter, have made her Mine and she gives me great joy. I have avoided cats since finding out they are on the 3 page list of things that I'm allergic to but see no point in denying myself the pleasure of having one since I have an expiration date. Loki ranks a hair below my grandchildren on the Love Scale.  She knows she is mine and I can't deny her anything. 

Aside from allergies there is another reason I have denied myself a pet since Scotty died. Yes, I don't want to go through any more Loss. Loki seems to be a safe bet. As long as I take care of her and she doesn't go outside there is at least a 90% chance that she will outlive me 🙂. I Do worry what will happen to her when I am gone. I will leave you instructions that she be put down if no one can/will take care of her. 

Back to the porch litter, I wish I could keep all 5 of them!! I can no longer carry out a full cat box and can barely get Jeremy to clean it so it is unrealistic to think of having even 1more cat in the house.

Oh. I actually already have two. I rescued a black feral kitten in the dead of winter with Jeremy's help. I was about to give up on ever taming her when she finally decided to trust me. Jazz named her Obi. We tossed around and rejected names for her for weeks before Jazzy suggested Obi. Obi is still skittish but she comes to me to be pet and played with when she feels like being a baby and she will likely end up with the same status as Loki. 

Back to Baby Mama.  I thought that I was just helping her keep this litter alive, thought I was detached, an onlooker, until I couldn't find the kittens last night. The neighbor girls had asked to play with them earlier so my first thought was that they had taken them or done something with them. Baby Mama was calling for them and sniffing around the neighbor's yard which also made me suspicious.  Jeremy, Jess  Kira and I looked for and called for them for an hour. They had Never been missing. I had Jeremy knock on their door repeatedly but they wouldn't answer (maybe partly because it was 10 pm and the woman there hates us). (Hag). 

The despair I felt caught me off guard. It felt like my body would shut down! 

Then a kitten came crawling out from the west corner or the porch. They were all asleep behind my plants under a wadded up tarp. 

I might end up being the North O Cat Lady.

Well, Mom had 27 dogs so it wouldn't be totally shocking. We could call it a family trait. 

...

Mother's Day and 2nd Covid Vac

Yesterday I went for my 2nd Moderna Covid vaccine.  My arm hurts and I feel a little crappy,  achy, headache, loe grade temp. Maybe this is as bad as it gets. 

Jess ordered flowers,  donuts and chocolates for me. That was my first Mother's Day gifts. Then more flowers and plants from everyone else here.

The big surprise, Jeanette sent sushi for my lunch. I don't know how I feel about that. And somehow it bothered my to find out that Jess knew she was doing it. Did Jess ask her to?? And what does it mean? Is Jeanette forgiving me for the mess she made? Does she in any way realize that I didn't Ever attack Her?? 

I felt a warmth in my heart when it was delivered. I do love and miss My Daughter. 

Do I forgive her for the last year of abuse? Do I even understand it?? Even if she really believes that I did her wrong somehow, would that justify her vicious attacks?? Whatever she might or might not know, she KNOWS she told lies to smear me. Who treats their mother like that?? 

If the truth doesn't make your point then maybe you don't have one.

My Heart Overfloweth

Yesterday Robby came over for the first time in a year and it left me just overwhelmed ❤. Sitting and just listening to him and Jenise made my heart explode! Jenise gave me a handwritten book of her poetry that would be worth millions on Ebay if I ever sold it after she is discovered. Her work is extremely powerful. I know that talent at her age is often the most powerful because the teen perspective is so raw but if she manages to keep it into adulthood and build on it she will be unstoppable. Everything she writes is relatable on every level. Steven King before his accident is the only writer I've ever said that about.

Robbie didn't offer as much conversation but his glory was often in his commentary on others and even often just the expression on his face.

Robbie talks like he lost his art muse. I really hope he gets it back because it was amazing, too! He says that his mom gave him a tattoo kit he has been studying how to use and trying to design some tattoos Jeanette has told him she wants so maybe that will wake his muse and give it a new direction. 

I took them home around 7 and was just giddy driving back home.

A Feel Good Day

No reason, except maybe I slept good for a change, but I feel Good Today. 

Two days since the Moderna vaccine now. I had some fever and nausea but that's gone today. 

When I feel good I want to do a dozen things but seldom get more than one thing done if that. The pain is usually what stops me. I want to water my plants, do my laundry, do Jazz's hair, clean the living room, my room and the kitchen. In reality, I'll probably just water the plants, clean a little everywhere and do Jazz's hair. BUT I haven't even wanted to do anything in Ages, so this is good. 😁

Heartache

The pain of losing Jessalynn just doesn't lessen. My heart aches unbearably still, it feels like I can't breathe sometimes. I still run through it all over and over in my head all the time. It is as acute as any loss I have ever felt. Irreparable.  Like death of a loved one. Maybe worse. Death loss fades more with time. You can believe they are in a better place or still with you. This is just a gaping void. 

The only positive I see is that I cant possibly live much longer. We'll,  and there is that my favorite grandchild. Jenise would Never tell me I was doing Anything disgusting no matter what.  

Then this pain will end unless I go to hell. 

Hell would be an eternity of This.

Bidens Stimulus

The big stimulus is in or on the way. Mine is In. I have to give MUD at least $1000, I have to take care of pet vet visits and make sure the girls have new clothes that fit,  their mothers will help with that. Two luxuries. I want to take the girls on a trip, they love to travel!

And I'm thinking about keeping my 20 year old promise to take Jeremy to Vegas if he still wants to go. 😁 

There's a chance he'd rather do something with the girls but I am excited to offer this to him❣❣❣❣

Fortress of Rhodatude

The snow fort is almost complete and we'll have about a week before it melts. Gonna have to make it a good week!!😁

lindsey phone number

I don't know why Rizzo is sending me Lindsey's phone number. Did she ask him to?? I'm afraid to talk to her. Afraid of having to face more accusations and hatred. 

Still too much grief

Had a terrible crying spell today, just couldn't stop crying. Jenise snuck in a visit. When she left I broke. For all Jeanette has taken from me,  and I still am clueless WHY and then the tears escalate over All The Loss. I am always holding back tears for Jessalynn,  but I manage to hold the Belk grandchildren farther back in my mind, deeper in my heart, mostly accepted loss after almost a year. Today it all poured out again. I was stunned with the desire to just die and not feel it or, God forbid, even more pain. I was almost convinced that I had chosen Life. It's much harder when you are sure there isn't much left anyway.

New lease on an old life

I have been almost completely bed bound most of the last year. Dr .  Holmberg (cardio) saved my life and gave me back Quality of Life. The daily crippling headaches are gone. My energy level is 100% better. I can think clearly. I don't feel my heart stumble and skip beats terrifying me any more. I don't just think of things I want to do, I DO them!! 

Thank you to Dr. Gold for taking me seriously and sending me to cardiology. Thank you Dr. Holmberg for listening, for Hearing me, and not just blowing me off like others have. Thank you God for both of them and this life extension. 

Fortunate Fortitude

I've been building my snow fort for three days now. I need at least 3 more days to finish it. I am so thankful to have the strength - and snow! - to build it this year. After our last (record breaking?) snow Kirk shoveled and piled it all in the middle of the yard. A HUGE help!! Trying to make it a foot taller and several feet larger this time. I have 3 walls at least 4 feet tall, one foot thick.

Doing this is my therapy,  almost my church. Working in near silence most of the time oblivious to what noise there is. I thought the first one might be my last. If I hadn't gone to a cardiologist to fix my heart it would have been. 

I can't wait to finish!!

And if I die trying know I died at peace.

Breaking the Grief/Depression Cycle

I am choosing Life again. 

It is true that I have known a lot of suffering, pain, and grief. It is also true that I have not only known Great Joy but I have been blessed to see miracles in my life.

The fact that I am alive is a miracle itself. When I was a child I was certain that I would live to grow up because I felt I had Purpose. 

I just need to remember that.

I'm not Done.

And I still have my Jrnise. Robby. Riley, Jazz and sometimes Kira. I will live no matter hour much others want me dead. 

Grieving

Still grieving, have that heart ripped out, punched in the gut someone just died feeling. How long will this go on?? It feels like I used all my healing after all the past deaths and losses. Less like waiting to heal and more like waiting, hoping to die. Maybe that's why I went from 5 cigarettes a day with a quit date to chain smoking. I remember Mom hating Daddy for not quitting smoking and dying and leaving us and wonder if he just didn't care either. I've always thought it was just that he thought he was invincible.  Maybe he did. I know I'm not. 

I still talk to Jessalynn in my head day and night. Its worst at night. jeremy is sleeping in my room babysitting me. I want to tell him to go sleep in his more comfortable Man Cave but I selfishly haven't because I can't breathe when I'm alone.  Don't want to breathe. 

I wonder at the hill Jessalynn chose to die on. After endless demands that I get rid of Jeremy she sticks her nose in our relationship to tell me I am disgustingly mean to him. That the way i treat him is Disgusting

 She never softened that when she saw it upset me,  repeated it 3 times.  Funny her words on it. She kept saying "You said you wanted to leave him in the mud". That rolls around my head because it makes No Sense. What Mud??? Did this really escalated over a misunderstanding?? She said it like she was quoting me. Maybe leaving someone in the Mud is an expression I'm not familiar with?? One of several questions I would ask her. 

I'll never get thr chance to ask. It reminds me of Meredith musing what her mothers unfinished sentence was. Tell Meredith not to _______. Meredith's mother was too dead to explain. So is Jessalynn.

My only sunshine is that the love of my life, my precious Jenise,   who might be my mother! would Never dream of hurting me or even being disrespectful.  She tells me to Live for her and iDo.

New Year

Not much Happpy about anything. 2020 was harsh to say the least and I dont see much better ahead.  

I miss having a big family. I HATE what happened with Jessalynn. And see no way to fix it. I am sorry that I lashed out at her for saying that I'm "disgusting", that the way I treat Jeremy is Disgusting.   but I also don't forgive her for it. Maybe it's her generation? I would have cut my tongue out before I told my grandma that the way  she treated grandaddy was disgusting! I also know she will never apologize for it. I've often wondered over the years at how mean and heartless she can be (like with her friends) about people but she cries watching sad TV shows.  Weird but I know there is probably a clue in that...

It is funny that she started this being so mad at me for being mean to Jeremy and then went to "tell her side" to Jeanette who once spit in his face. Not to mention that Jessalynn spent Months telling me how terrible Jeremy was and that I should, that I would,  throw him out if I cared about my family. I'd I was a"decent person" She was relentless about it. I did tell him what she was saying and say that maybe he really should leave,  but I also made the usual excuses for him,  his mental limitations etc. but then after a while I just started agreeing with her because there is no arguement with her. And Yes, I do believe, hope, this implacability is a phase of being a New Adult.  18 with one semester of psychology and she's telling me how to raise the kids and to throw Jeremy out. She only stopped hacking on Jeremy when she realized that Brandon liked Jeremy, which she totally did not expect to happen!!"

Jeremy, by the way, has been amazing since this storm broke. From the first night when I cried and screamed until I was hoarse to today he has been right beside me. I can't hardly sleep, "disgusting" just echoes through my head with flashes of what I thought was my relationship with Jessalynn through the years all day but worse at night so Jeremy has slept in my room every night. A reminder of why I've never listened to people who tell me to throw him out. He was THE ONLY person I had in 2001 and had ALWAYS Been There for me. In our 20 years we've gone through times when we absolutely hated each other but we have always loved each other. I remember when we first moved to Omaha and had to go to County for help and we had to see a therapist together. When she asked about our relationship we explained how he took care of me when my family cast me out and that as I became disabled he did all the physical things I couldn't and that I became His family when he realized his treated him like crap and that I helped him with his epilepsy and took care of legal work and paperwork that overwhelmed him. The Dr looked at the student shadowing her and said "This is a perfect couple. They know their weaknesses and have found someone who cancels them out". 

So I should actually be Happy. I've lost a LOT but I still have that balance in my life. Mom said Jeremy would Always Be There for me and she was so very right. And I am thrilled to have more ting for my Angel,  who might be my mother! My sweet, sweet Jenise.

Ok, Jeremy did lose a LOT of brownie points when Jeanette told me a year later that Jessalynn had told her that Jeremy had been talking sit about me like he used to try to with Jeanette but she would sit him down.  One. He was trying to talk about our sex life which Jeanette felt was totally inappropriate and ew, she really didn't want to hear it! but that he has found an audience in Jessalynn and Brandon ( who didn't feel the ew of that it might be wrong to try to get them to feel sorry for him. His Poty Party. They took it hook line in sinker.  Jeremy says he didn't tell them that I ended the sex over him Abusing the kids telling him to please leave and when he refused to leave he tried to tell any one who might listen that he wasn't getting laid.  His"friends" didn't even want to hear it.  I bought a few fishing poles and told him maybe he should get out and go fishing and that it would be good for Kirk and help Dave because his little boy was being too go fishing.  Jeremy said that he corkscrew do that because they love me and he wouldn't be able to bitch about me to them.  I was flabbergasted.  I said, " So your only reauirement for friends is that they let you bitch about me??" He thought a minute and said,  "I guess so" but he did have the grace to act like he knew there was Something wrong with that.  I just said,  "That's pathetic."