New World Order

 I feel like my world has been hijacked. I was the proud matriarch of my family taking care of everyone.  Then I became the pitiful, delusional old woman. So weird.  Jeremy does something Wrong that cuts wide and deep and my household rallies around him, defending him, like,  What the hell did I dare expect in my old age? The age difference did become more important over the years so I would ask him over and over Is this still what you want? Tell him, Maybe you should go, find someone you're own age and start a family? and the answer was always No, I love You.  

(Maybe the real answer was No, I don't have to work or anything here! Just keep taking care of me.)

But he hurts me and I tell him to leave and they say, What the hell? He can't take care of himself! We Love him!

Funny thing there,  every one of them has complained about him being with us almost daily since he got here 20 years ago.  My granddaughter,  Jessalynn, told me Every Day for years that I would get rid of him if I cared about my family.  She is one of his biggest defenders now! But I couldn't make him leave.  I had vowed to take care of him. Even thought it was my God Given Duty. I defended him,  apologized for him,  was always trying to make peace for him.  I felt Sorry For Him. And loved him even when I couldn't Like him.  

Many nights, at my wits end,  I would pray,  Dear God! If this is a test I AM FAILING! and I feared that failure. What if failing condemned me to hell?? Give me strength,  Give me wisdom,  please help me help him!

Then this.  I have a few family that are "on my side", who defend me and hurt for me. Jami, Jeanette,  her daughter Jenise and her husband Phillip. It means everything to me but I am still stunned that they are all I have.  

When we got our settlement money I asked him again,  Do you want to go start a new life? We can split this money and go out separate ways. He emphatically said No. The house we bought was accidentally put in only my name.  I paid another $500 to fix the title with Both our names.  

I can't have sexual relations with himeven if i wanted to and that is long gone.   I told him that if he needed sex he could find a prostitute or sex partner but that he has to leave if he wanted a different "girl friend", (and a 66 year old woman can still have sex but he was extremely rough, hurt me all the time), so this had to end with him but also, I told him At The Time,  10 years ago! that no one would/ could ever ask me "How do u crawl in bed with a man Abusing your family?" 

Then he gets a girlfriend. Everyone in my house knows because he is so into her that he is constantly texting her and taking and sending selfies. Even sitting right next to me.  I'm not noticing because I am trusting that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me swearing that he loved me. But Jess and the 2 grandchildren who live with me are fully aware. When they finally tell me they Say they are"disgusted" until I tell them that this is a Deal Breaker. I want him to leave. Then somehow I became the Bad Guy.  The pitiful one. Poor mistreated Jeremy. Stupid old woman! thinking he loves her! They don't know and don't care that he's steadfast been telling me that he Loves me!! 

When he wouldn't leave I realized that I could leave!! He had the only legal, running car and our $10,000 savings.  I left in the car.  Told him that he could keep the money,  the house,  the van (that could be fixed for a few hundred dollars and the other older car that I can't drive,  and the family in the house who wanted him.)  I was whooping with glee as I drove away!! FREE!! But the next day I picked up one of the kids and gave her a ride to the house and when I pulled up Jeremy yanked the passenger door open and grabbed the keys. I begged him not to leave me stranded there.  All my medicine was at Jeanette's. Brandon was there who Jeremy wanted to look like the Good Guy in front of so he agreed to let me use the car to go get my medicine.  I did and when I got back he was outside waiting.  (WHY IS THE HELL DID I KEEP MY WORD AND GO BACK??) I tried to walk in the house and he yelled I want the keys so I turned and threw them to him and went in the house full of people who I didn't want who didn't want me and shut myself in my room. Brandon came to me and,  speaking to me like I was a senile, vindictive person said "OK, Grandma,  you SAY you want him to leave so tell me where you hid the keys" I was unbelievably offended but I went outside and reenact the throw. They looked and the keys were there. They had slid under the van but it was obvious that I had thrown them exactly like I said I did. No apology from Brandon or Jeremy.  I went back to my room that I had hoped to never be in again.  With the hateful family I never wanted to be with again.  And BTW, Jeremy had another set of keys in his pocket that he could have used.  

Oh, the update gets even better! It was Thanksgiving and Jessalynn and Brandon came for dinner.  I had thought long and hard about how to let Brandon know that he had really hurt my feelings.  I know I didn't believe that he could have understood how badly that hurt me,  that he would have taken the time for a kind word before he left that night if he knew.  It felt wrong right off the bat. I thought he looked defiant but didn't see how that could possibly be accurate.  I'd bet didn't know he had hurt me so why would he be looking ready to defend himself? I found out why.  I said "Brandon,  I'm not senile and,  I know you don't really know me,  but I don't play games.  That last night when you accused me of hiding the keys I went outside and showed that I had done exactly what I said I did with his keys" and he said,  "Well,  how were we supposed to know that they slid under the van?" I said Yes, but they did and them being there proved that I want lying,  didn't it? Then he really flared,  said that he had nothing to apologize for and started retelling how that whole night went down.  How he was asleep when it started,  even mentioned what he had been dreaming about (?) and that he did nothing wrong and I would never get an apology.  I said I wasn't really expecting an apology,  you might expect an apology for something intentionally done to you, but I had thought that he just had no clue that he hurt me.  Wrong.  The HATE in his face was so clear that I was stunned that I hadn't expected it at all.  It went on to him telling me that all I do is manipulate everyone around me,  especially Poor Jeremy.  I asked "Ate you calling me a manipulative bitch??" and he replied, "I didn't 'say' the word 'bitch', did I?" 

I finally saw the punk ass he is.  The smugness.  How two- faced he has been.  I almost pitied Jessalynn except for a suspicion that they deserve each other.  

Jeremy was there by then,  looking helpless but thrilled that Brandon was still defending him not even realizing that Brandon was putting him down,  too,  labeling him the poor, manipulated puppet too stupid to See Through me.  The man I have literally Done Everything for no matter what despicable thing he did to me or mine.  I have no clue how that was supposed to be me manipulating Jeremy!! If I could have manipulated Jeremy I would have made him get a job or at least pick up after himself.  OR JUST LEAVE!!

I left after that.  Jami had pulled up,  damn it was wonderful to see someone not glaring at me! 

I had already made plans to not spend Thanksgiving here with this part of the "family" so I grabbed the bag I had packed and took Jami to Jeanette's. Jeremy texted later that Jessalynn and Brandon were going back to Lincoln.  I was sitting outside in the car at Jeanette's crying,  having my own little pity party,  no, actually grieving for losing things that I never had.  I never wanted to go "home" but.... then defiance hit.  I WANTED to go to where I want wanted.  Where I pay all the bills.  

Everyone,  including me,  has been upset that Jami got their shared dog when Mike Watson went to jail.  I'm terrified of big dogs, Jess is terrified of them for Nova,  and everyone else here is just hateful so I told Jami that she And her dog were welcome to go home with me.  We came here and set up a kennel for Adamay and spent the night here,  damn all of them. (We had to kennel Adamay because Jeremy's cat attacks dogs). 

I sat outside in the cold that night thinking that it was more comfortable than being in the house but it was below freezing and freezing wasn't feeling like a comfortable way to die. 

You wanna see a manipulative bitch? How about a vindictive manipulative bitch???

No.  I'm going to LIVE. 

Oh and FUCK YOU BRANDON. 

Sadness

 I'm hurting. It feels like I have waited forever for Jeremy to be happy. I've known he probably should leave me to be happy for a long time. I've told him many many times that he should go find a different life for himself since ha has been so miserable with us. And now he is leaving and leaving so slowly after stripping me off my dignity, humiliating me, and he is pulling this bandaid off so very slowly.  He hasbeen a part of our lives for over 2 decades. I'm going to miss him and be glad he's gone. He's between miserable too live with. Always angry, mean, keeping me always vigilant to the sound of him kissing his temper with the kids or Jess or anyone around us. It has been awful.  I will miss the little times when he could be sweet but I can't and shouldn't only remember those rare times like people do when someone dies.  It really hurts to think of good times because they were so very rare.  I haven't seen him happy in years. Watching him gleefully texting with his girlfriend hit hard. 

He really is so ignorant and helpless.  Maybe taking care of him all these years made hem weaker?? He's lazy. Doesn't do anything he doesn't have to.  So he's never learned to take care of himself.  He really does NOTHING day after day. On his phone or playing video games all day and night.  Walks Nova once a day. Sometimes takes the trash out on Fridays. Drives Jazz to school. Yells and curses about everything and everyone. 

Why are we going to miss him?? For years I have taken constant complaints from everyone about him and everyone is heartbroken that he is leaving, even me. If there was a way he could stay I would let him but there just isn't. Not worth the way this has gone. Not with the way he treated or relationship.  Honesty would have helped, would have made a world of difference. 

A FEW MONTHS LATER FOOTNOTE:

I haven't missed him for a single minute. I had a couple of almost minutes but always realized that I was just missing the guy I met who hasn't been around for years. I stopped having nightmares where he is yelling at me,  not a single one since he left, and they were at least weekly the year before.  If he is in a dream or nightmare at all he is there as a bystander and MUTE. It's beautiful.  A at least this controlling bitch can control her nightmares 🤣😂🤣.

Ill

 ...some kind of infection has me.  Feel terrible. Not surprising.  I haven't lived with this much anxiety and turmoil in a long time.  I so hate this!! 

I know I don't have long to live but I seem to be just occupying space. No purpose. I'm here so my disability comes in and keeps up the household. That's it.  I do close to nothing every day.  Limbo.  Waiting to die,  afraid to die, anxious to die,  it has to be about death because I am no longer living.  

I remember feeling like I had Purpose.  Like I, the person, was needed and accomplishing things.  Now I am nothing.  I am old stories that everyone knows or will never know, the secrets we die with. I'm not going to cure cancer, save the planet or influence anyone in any way.  I am both dying and already dead. 

No wonder I am so alone. 

FOOTNOTE: Ach!! This is so sappy! I must have Really Been Sick!!! Glad I got over whatever this was!!!!!!

Not Feeling Damned

My Jeanette is BACK. She is in the best mental place I have seen her in for 10 years.  And she really helped me the other day. 

I'm so low, this break up is killing me and one of the worst parts was feeling like I failed.  I've often felt like Jeremy was a test of my spirit and faith. I've often prayed,  "Dear God,  if this is a test I am going to fail!! Please tell me it is not"

I told Jeanette about that and she said, "Jeremy isn't,  wasn't,  a test for you! He was your punishment for really Bad things in a past life" and bells and whistles went off in my head.  Could she be right?? I didn't Fail,  but I finished my punishment????? It feels wonderful to contemplate!!!!

Ok. I need him gone.  And to hear from Jami.  

I'm gonna make it. 

Jeremy still here

...with no real plans to leave.  No care for anything I want or need.  Most of the time it feels like No One really cares except Jenise. Not really.  

Besides feeling heartbroken and humiliated,  I'm afraid about how long I have been sick,  vomiting every day,  exhausted,  in pain everywhere.  I'm terrified for my country,  the country I will leave my family in when I die.  

I don't know if I am afraid of death.  Not more than any one else.  Death is inevitable but still a shock when given a death sentence.  I've had several in my life but only the last year or so feel that it is likely imminent.  I have a Dr appointment in 9 days with Jeanette's Dr. Lynn Jeffrey. I might try to get a sooner appointment for a couple of things really worrying me.  

I hate the way Kira treats me when I say I CAN'T do things.  If I say I am too ill she says "You are always sick" and I'm sure it seems that way.  I'm 66 with failing health.  I get that.  She often acts like I must not care what she wants to do.  Like today.  She is upset I say I am not up to taking her clothes shopping.  I told her that Jeremy could take her (her "grandpa" these days but she doesn't want to do that because he can't drive freeways and it's a half hour ride going through town.  It's definitely not that she doesn't care what others feel.  She feels plenty about poor Jeremy.  It's me.  Never good enough.  Never doing enough. Always letting her down.  Sometimes it really makes me wish I was already dead. 

One thing I fear about death is the feeling that I have failed in this life and will be doomed to repeat it.  Many times I have prayed for guidance about Jeremy,  telling God that if Jeremy in my life is some kind of test I am failing it.  Most of the time it feels like he is a punishment making me wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this and will this lifetime be enough punishment for whatever I did in the past?  Frightening.  

I am so alone.  

Jeremy back in the house

 Yes.  When I agreed to let him come it was supposed to be until he could arrange to go to

 Missouri or at least get his own place.  Then I hear him tell Jess he'd like us to have pecan pie for Thanksgiving.  He's unpacking.  He's sitting on the porch outside my bedtime window smoking weed and blaring his music.  I'm sitting on the sled on the back deck because all of the chairs or here are wet. 

Being depressed about the election doesn't help!! 

I can't see anything but how mean and abusive he has been.  How he has survived 22 years playing on my sympathy.  His One Skill.  Stupid as a rock but idiot savant playing on people's sympathy.  He has Jess and the girls completely snowed still. I think I just want to die but before I die I want this loyal family to SEE who they have backed.  For years I listen to complaints about him,  they always tell ME and expect me to confront him for them because it's my fault he has been here and because they never wanted to deal with the task of confronting him. Now,  when I finally Agree with them and tell him it's over I AM THE BAD GUY.  POOR JEREMY.  I need to leave them in his care before I die!! If they are truly happy I will stay gone.  I may stay gone even if they remember how miserable he is to be around.  

I will pay the taxes on the house with the portion of our savings Jeremy so generously shared with me,  get my van fixed,  and leave.  I just have to decide where to go.  I will only have my $800 SSI. The ADC for Kira,  which I haven't received since buying this house,  will end and probably the guardianship pay I get for Jazz, too. Jess can probably claim the $300 ADC for Kira but the guardianship will end.  They can try to survive on Jeremy's SSI. I supported all of us for years on less than he gets.  

But where to go? I have temporary places to go for immediately but I might need more,  somewhere permanent if I don't die soon enough.  I'm going to look into nursing homes.  I know I qualify but I don't know how good a place I can get into with only $800 SSI. If Steve does before me I will get more but I'm pretty sure he is healthier than me!! Definitely happier so I guess he wins the divorce! Funny,  I always thought I "won" because I ended up with the kids and grandchildren.  Silly me. Wait,  I do end up with Jeanette and Jenise and Phillip!!! and that really cancels out what I lose.  Funny.  I've really helped them the Least.  And they are loyal.  It helps that Jeremy's Pity Party doesn't fool them but maybe I win just because they actually love me.  

I so much wish Mom and Herbert were still alive! But I have to believe they are waiting for me on the other side or I will go insane.  And my Obi. Unconditional Love.  

I have Jami,  too, even though she is mad at me right now.  I've never thought this family would take care of her after I'm gone. I will take her with me if I can if that's still what she wants. 

I'm going to have to figure out how to be a little selfish. I can't be selfish like Jeremy is, I pray I don't even have that in me! but I need to turn off the feeling like I have to take care of everyone else.  

  

Post election

 Already battling depression,  today I woke to the new that this remarkably ignorant country elected Donald Trump president AGAIN.  The first time I thought maybe it was the peoples way of saying they just wanted a change of how the government was run.  That was how I accepted it then. Now,  I have no words,  no defence for the over 50% of citizens who elected him AGAIN.  A CONVICTED FELON.  A WOMANIZER.   I hear that men think he is"macho". I know that women like me poured out to vote against him.  Were there not enough women? And the races of people he is prejudiced against? I do not understand. 

I am ashamed of America.