Jeremy back in the house

 Yes.  When I agreed to let him come it was supposed to be until he could arrange to go to

 Missouri or at least get his own place.  Then I hear him tell Jess he'd like us to have pecan pie for Thanksgiving.  He's unpacking.  He's sitting on the porch outside my bedtime window smoking weed and blaring his music.  I'm sitting on the sled on the back deck because all of the chairs or here are wet. 

Being depressed about the election doesn't help!! 

I can't see anything but how mean and abusive he has been.  How he has survived 22 years playing on my sympathy.  His One Skill.  Stupid as a rock but idiot savant playing on people's sympathy.  He has Jess and the girls completely snowed still. I think I just want to die but before I die I want this loyal family to SEE who they have backed.  For years I listen to complaints about him,  they always tell ME and expect me to confront him for them because it's my fault he has been here and because they never wanted to deal with the task of confronting him. Now,  when I finally Agree with them and tell him it's over I AM THE BAD GUY.  POOR JEREMY.  I need to leave them in his care before I die!! If they are truly happy I will stay gone.  I may stay gone even if they remember how miserable he is to be around.  

I will pay the taxes on the house with the portion of our savings Jeremy so generously shared with me,  get my van fixed,  and leave.  I just have to decide where to go.  I will only have my $800 SSI. The ADC for Kira,  which I haven't received since buying this house,  will end and probably the guardianship pay I get for Jazz, too. Jess can probably claim the $300 ADC for Kira but the guardianship will end.  They can try to survive on Jeremy's SSI. I supported all of us for years on less than he gets.  

But where to go? I have temporary places to go for immediately but I might need more,  somewhere permanent if I don't die soon enough.  I'm going to look into nursing homes.  I know I qualify but I don't know how good a place I can get into with only $800 SSI. If Steve does before me I will get more but I'm pretty sure he is healthier than me!! Definitely happier so I guess he wins the divorce! Funny,  I always thought I "won" because I ended up with the kids and grandchildren.  Silly me. Wait,  I do end up with Jeanette and Jenise and Phillip!!! and that really cancels out what I lose.  Funny.  I've really helped them the Least.  And they are loyal.  It helps that Jeremy's Pity Party doesn't fool them but maybe I win just because they actually love me.  

I so much wish Mom and Herbert were still alive! But I have to believe they are waiting for me on the other side or I will go insane.  And my Obi. Unconditional Love.  

I have Jami,  too, even though she is mad at me right now.  I've never thought this family would take care of her after I'm gone. I will take her with me if I can if that's still what she wants. 

I'm going to have to figure out how to be a little selfish. I can't be selfish like Jeremy is, I pray I don't even have that in me! but I need to turn off the feeling like I have to take care of everyone else.