Jeremy still here

...with no real plans to leave.  No care for anything I want or need.  Most of the time it feels like No One really cares except Jenise. Not really.  

Besides feeling heartbroken and humiliated,  I'm afraid about how long I have been sick,  vomiting every day,  exhausted,  in pain everywhere.  I'm terrified for my country,  the country I will leave my family in when I die.  

I don't know if I am afraid of death.  Not more than any one else.  Death is inevitable but still a shock when given a death sentence.  I've had several in my life but only the last year or so feel that it is likely imminent.  I have a Dr appointment in 9 days with Jeanette's Dr. Lynn Jeffrey. I might try to get a sooner appointment for a couple of things really worrying me.  

I hate the way Kira treats me when I say I CAN'T do things.  If I say I am too ill she says "You are always sick" and I'm sure it seems that way.  I'm 66 with failing health.  I get that.  She often acts like I must not care what she wants to do.  Like today.  She is upset I say I am not up to taking her clothes shopping.  I told her that Jeremy could take her (her "grandpa" these days but she doesn't want to do that because he can't drive freeways and it's a half hour ride going through town.  It's definitely not that she doesn't care what others feel.  She feels plenty about poor Jeremy.  It's me.  Never good enough.  Never doing enough. Always letting her down.  Sometimes it really makes me wish I was already dead. 

One thing I fear about death is the feeling that I have failed in this life and will be doomed to repeat it.  Many times I have prayed for guidance about Jeremy,  telling God that if Jeremy in my life is some kind of test I am failing it.  Most of the time it feels like he is a punishment making me wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this and will this lifetime be enough punishment for whatever I did in the past?  Frightening.  

I am so alone.