Heidi Drunk

Jessalyn was home from her visit with Daddy when I got home from Jami's and her mom said she needed to talk to me when I walked in. She told me that Patrick was driving home with Jessalynn when he saw his girlfriend, Heidi, walking down the road and he pulled over to give her a ride. She was extremely intoxicated and got into the car berating Patrick and started kicking the dash and threw her cell phone and then started attacking Patrick, biting him twice drawing blood and ripping off his necklace cutting his neck. Jessica said that Jessalynn was quite traumatized screaming for Heidi to leave her daddy alone through out. Jessalynn had grabbed the thrown cell phone and tucked it into her carseat to call for help if she needed to.
Right as Jessica finishes telling me this, Jessalynn asked to speak to me in her bedroom. Eyes huge, she told me the same story and little prickles of rage started to climb over me for my five year old granddaughter. Mommy might have to wait in line to give Heidi a sound beating. How dare she be in that condition and act that way in front of a child!!! I don't know what is going on with her and Patrick but it can't be good. I feel bad for him because he has had the worst luck with women but of course no on will live up to my daughter! Jess is a tough act to follow with her shy ways and super model looks. No. That's not just a mom talking. She's really a model although not a super model yet! I think well, Heldi was drunk and didn't know she was going to see Jessalynn right then but she did know Patrick was getting her tonight. She should have been able to contain herself in front of a child even drunk or she shouldn't ever drink. She has children, too, although she doesn't have custody and hmmm maybe this is why. I have heard that she used to have Meth problems which has always made me leery of her.

I will wait to see how Patrick handles this but if he doesn't I will.

Methadone or Heroin

Jeremy and I went shopping at Walmart on what will be one of my last splurges after getting my settlement. It wasn't a huge splurge as I got mostly things that were needed. Jeremy was very good about not saying anything about how much I spent on the kids. I got Jami some towels and things for her apartment and a few things Jess needed and shopped for little Robbie's first birthday. It is way different shopping for a little boy after all these girls! Toys aren't too hard at his age and I'll likely always be able to just watch what Jeremy is interested in and plays with in the toy section. Clothes are a different matter. I hated all of the little outfits I saw. They all looked goofy to me so I just got him some Bob the Builder and Finding Nemo pajamas.
We stopped at Jami's on the way home to drop off their things and visit a minute. They were stripping wire to sell. I thought Jami looked a bit rough, I know they had some kind of pills today. I didn't talk to her about the Methadone clinic again yet and I am just hoping that I can really afford it. The thing is that Kirk would need to go too for it to work which would make it about $750 a month!! Jeremy says they should be able to pay for methadone since they pay for their drugs which is a point that is very hard to argue with except they just won't have the same motivation somehow to get the methadone and I'm not even totally sure why but I just know it will be that way. Now when they start getting sick they are desperate and start collecting cans to sell and anything else they can think of until they can get a fix. I just can't see a junkie working that hard for Methadone somehow. Like their demons will tell them they deserve some heroin instead since they worked so hard or the mind can think of hundreds of tricks to keep it's feel good addictions. I know this just from being addicted to cigarettes. I will likely end up paying for the Methadone for both of them if I at all can and if they sound serious although again you'd think they would get the money themselves if they were serious. What a vicious almost circle!!!

Saturday Evening

We're waiting here for Patrick to come get Jessalynn so we can go to Wal Mart and do some shopping for the house and for Robbie's birthday tomorrow. We took Jessalynn to Jordan's birthday party this afternoon but she was tired and shy of all the people there so she didn't have a lot of fun. I'm going to put her in the day care where Abby works part time to get her used to being around other kids before school starts this fall.
Jeanette called to invite us over for a little birthday party for Robbie tomorrow. Next week I will start taking her to work every day.
We got Jessalynn some little pots of flowers yesterday to keep in a hanging basket in her room. :-)

The Sign

So.... A few weeks ago my daughter's boyfriend was arrested for second degree theft for stealing a metal sign worth $1500 from a car wash. Kirk was arrested next to the car wash immediately after someone reported seeing a man with tattoos and long hair steal the sign, but it was a large sign and no where to be seen so it was decided that Kirk had a partner who had taken off with the sign, which lent conspiracy to the charge making it a felony. Further incriminating him was a wrench he had in his possession that fit the bolts to the sign. A week after getting bonded out of jail, Kirk spotted the sign in someone's backyard laying face up for the world to see. A friend of his called 911 and alerted the police to the whereabouts of the sign and the house was raided by police who found the sign. No one in the home had long hair and tattoos. It will be interesting to see what will happen when this goes to court. Council Bluffs is a small town but it is still amazing that the sign was found.

Pain Clinic

I had to call the pain clinic yesterday and ask for a refill on my meds and the receptionist was really rude from the first word complaining that I didn't give them enough notice. I explained that my meds had been stolen or I would have had plenty to give them the three days they want but she was still a bitch. She grudgingly said that I could get them and hung up so I went up there. She was pissed and asked why I didn't call before leaving home. I thought I had!!! She told me to go back home and come back in two hours. I said OK and then mentioned that I would be needing to see Dr. Youngblood anyway soon because I had seen another doctor for a second opinion and wanted to talk to him about Dr. Gold's findings. She was outraged and berated me for seeing someone else telling me it was against their rules to seek a second opinion! I went home and called Dr. Gold's office and told the what had been said and how condescending and rude the receptionist had been and begged them to take me as a patient there so I wouldn't have to deal with her any more. They said they would call me back. I went back to Dr. Youngblood's office and the receptionist met me at the door and thrust the prescriptions at me without a word. When I got back home I had missed the call back so I won't know until Monday if I can get into Dr. Gold's clinic. I wanted to to begin with but he said he and Dr. Youngblood were good friends so he would rather examine me and send Youngblood the results and recommendations. I don't think Dr. Youngblood ever examined me at all and he certainly didn't examine me as thoroughly as Dr. Gold did. Whatever. I have to wait until Monday and even if I don't get into Dr. Gold's clinic it is time to find a new pain clinic.

Another Fall

I've missed a couple of days here. Not much has gone on except for Thursday I took Jessalynn to the dentist for a much needed check up and she will have a bit of work done and then they can fit her for a partial for her missing front teeth until the permanent ones show up, hopefully in about a year. Walking on the sidewalk in front of the clinic I again tripped and fell, making four falls this month, this time busting both knees and palms and ruining my favorite black pants. It has to be these bifocals making me fall all of the time although I have always been a bit preoccupied and clumsy...

Court

Kirk goes to court today so I am up to make sure he gets there since I bonded him out. I'm still not feeling too hot but I went to the doctor yesterday and got some medicines for allergies that the doctor seems to think will solve everything. I am almost certain that an antibiotic is indicated but understand and respect her hesitancy to prescribe them. I am to wait five days before starting an antibiotic. I also went for my "cocktail infusion" yesterday for my Interstitial Cystitis. Not a pleasant thing to have to do! Jessalynn is excited that she will be seeing the dentist today and getting closer to getting her new teeth. I just hope they are good with little kids there and do gentle dentistry because she needs a lot of work before they can even do her front teeth replacement.

MyBlogLog

MyBlogLog was set up for me by a friend to write about and share my MRSA experience but it has become a whole little world that I love to get lost in. I cruise around the different blogs every day learning things and always looking for a good laugh. I have found such richness in knowledge and people that it is greatly expanding my horizons in all directions. Plus I have made cyberspace friends which I am finding are some of the best friends to have. No matter what time of day or night there is always someone else online so loneliness disappears and everyone I have met is supportive in some way. When I first looked at the Internet I was shown what local chat rooms were like and I was disgusted by them but and horrified by what had been done with this incredible technology but then I found so much more to the Internet that those sites hardly matter. MyBlogLob has been the richest site I have found. It is quickly becoming one of my best friends. My best friend is a pen pal I met online two years ago so a great part of my life takes place here and since I am disabled and poor it has become my window to the world. Thank God for bloggers!

Nightmare Control

Last night I was depressed when trying to go to sleep and was afraid of having a dream like I had for the last two nights that had been very sad and left me feeling morose all day. So I thought again about trying to program my dreams. I went through the things I didn't want to dream pretty quick but took a minute to think of what I did want to dream. Then I remembered how much I liked flying in my dreams so I asked myself to dream about flying and for filler I asked that it be full of me having magical powers in a magical world and I went to sleep.
I dreamed I was among a bunch of people I didn't know and we went through a crazy series of events and then I dreamed the same thing again but this time I was vomiting through half of it. Much like the regular vomiting but stringier and bits of it were grown into my gums ~ I had no teeth ~ and I would try to scrape it out of my mouth and always was looking for a quiet place to go get it all out of my mouth but kept getting interrupted so I would have to move on through the dream with it growing in my mouth again. The string would sometimes stretch and break but when I did manage to pull them out of my gums they didn't really hurt, I jsut felt the pressure of pulling and then the slimy stuff slipping out. Then the dream started for a third time but this time I stepped in and took control and everyone turned into magical beasts some of them half beasts, one of them three different parts of three different beasts. We all were going to confront the main character so we went out side and they all started taking off flying and I reminded myself that I had flown in dreams before so I closed my eyes and concentrated real hard and then I was flying with them. We landed on a roof overlooking where the first two dreams took place and were discussing how to deal with the boss person when something came up and we all took flight hastily. I was having trouble flying and one was holding onto me helping but when the others noticed they all stopped midair and started sending me their knowledge of flying in big beams until I was flying as well as them and we took of and I woke up.

The Headache

The headache was back again the next morning but not quite as bad so I went about my day. I went and bonded Kirk out of jail and then took him and Jami to their apartment. On the way home I noticed that my tongue was numb. Then my arms and then my legs went numb. I looked on the Internet in WebMD and found two things. A Complex Migraine, which fit the description perfectly, and a mini stroke which only would fit if you considered that women present differently with a stroke than a man so the symptoms might not be classic i.e. a woman might experience numbness on both sides instead of just one, so I went to the ER to be sure. I went to UMC and was impressed with the improvements that have made since I was last there a couple of years ago. The put me in a dark room and gave me pain medication through an IV for the headache and ran a smattering of test including a MRI of my head. The resulting diagnosis: a Complex Migraine. I've had migraine headaches off and on all of my life but have never gone numb all over from one. My oldest daughter went temporarily blind from one once so I guess anything is possible. I was sent home after two hours and feel much better although the numbness returned for a little while a couple of hours after I got home. Now I can't sleep. Depressed about a lot of things. Got the blues, maybe a hangover from the headache.

Night

Fought a headache that has been building for two days until today it was a massive sinus, migraine, cluster, feeling thing. I took ibuprophen with no results so I took more ibuprophen and extra oxycodone and nothing but I kept trying those things all day. This evening I sent Jeremy to get me some sinus headache medicine nad he came home with Excedrine Sinus and I took three of those with no result. Then a couple of hours ago I though about good old fashioned Aspirin. Worked like a charm. Good night.

Afternoon

It looks like I might not be able to bond Kirk out. I talked to a bondsman who explained that they will garnish the wages of the co-signer if the person doesn't show up for court and they can't garnish SSI so I don't qualify. There is another bondsman Jeremy is supposed to talk to tomorrow but I think he will get the same response. The one I talked to said they needed someone who had worked full time at the same job for two years and I don't think Jami and Kirk even know anyone who qualifies for that.

I'm still sick today. Throat is not as sore but I still have a fever and a HUGE headache. It doesn't help that I never sleep more than 2 hours and spend most of my life lately as something out of Night of the Living Dead. I'm gonna go try for another two hour nap!

Morning

I'm still having nightmares. I am not vomiting in them anymore, thank God! but they are still about the family that has kicked me to the curb. Terrible, heart wrenching nightmares where they are all reviling and beating me for things I didn't do or didn't mean to do. My dear brother Mike is always the ringleader and EVERYONE is his follower. Last night I dreamed Jess was getting married and all of this went on at her wedding. I have to figure out how to purge them all from my sleep. I've tried hating them back, forgiving them, and just forgetting them not only did none of them work but I think trying to forget them just made them more active in my subconscious mind. Even my grandmother was in this one and she was dead years before it all started! My dead relatives are the only ones I feel close to at all because I like to think we become more all knowing in death and that they are the only ones besides me who know the truth.

Today I go to bail Kirk out of jail and begin a new phase in this saga with my Jami. I pray this is the right choice to make at this time. Will Kirk save her or will he go down with her?? There is always the story of the man who bought a canary to teach his sparrow to sing. Yep, the canary started chirping.

Saturday 1 am

I went to Jami's this evening and when I got there she was sitting at the kitchen table with two guys and they each had a spoon in front of them full of goo that they were stirring with the back end of a syringe all casual like a dysfunctional family at dinner. I can't take this. I know Jami's habit has swung out of control again with Kirk in jail and people giving her pity drugs. Plus I think I might have helped fill that spoon by giving her money to go to the dentist today which she didn't do. I don't know about that, she might still have that money. From the looks of the multicolored bruise on her neck where she shoots up I would say she has been going at it pretty heavy ever since Kirk went to jail. So. Tomorrow I am bonding Kirk out of jail. I wish I had another idea especially one that didn't cost me $750. but I don't. If I could commit her to a drug treatment place I would but I have failed in that every time I have tried. I got Adult Protective Services to go to pick her up once when she was strung out on Meth and they called me later and said that they couldn't pick her up because she told them at the door that she was coming down off of a crank binge and had just taken four valium to sleep and would they please leave and they explained to me that they couldn't take her in unwillingly unless she was incoherent. Go figure. If Kirk gets out then she will move back to Omaha with him and get way from the Council Bluffs junkies and have to think about things like paying rent and surviving again. Alone she gets too much of a free ride still being a very pretty woman if you look past the signs of drug abuse. I can't stand to see her going down the tube like this again. Before Kirk went in they were trying to get off drugs and had their habit down to $25. a day between them, which is still $750. a month! but it was better than what I am seeing now.

I hate that I live in a world where I know and see the things I do in my every day life. I hate that every junkie for miles knows me by name. I miss the clean, oblivious world I once lived in what feels like a hundred years ago. I miss my daughter who was going to rule the world someday. I'm fighting to have her and my world sane again.

I have to sleep now. Don't want any more of this day. It officially ended an hour and a half ago anyhow. Good night.

Friday Morning

Slept poorly as usual. It is crazy to wake up every hour or so either because of pain or having to go to the bathroom or both. I feel like a walking zombie most of the time walking around (and driving!) in a foggy haze. I have to find some solutions to this non-life! I am working on parts of it. The peeing every two hours is being treated by a good Urologist who is doing weekly infusions (you don't want to know what that is!) The pain. Well. I don't know if anyone is ever going to help me with that again since my last doctor lost his license after prescribing Oxycontin for a young man who said he was in so much pain he didn't want to live and the man went home and overdosed on the Oxycontin and died. The next thing you know every doctor for miles and miles is terrified to prescribe any kind of narcotic for pain especially the long lasting Oxycontin that I, too, was taking but I took them as prescribed and had the first relief from pain in my life. I got to enjoy life for about six months and poof! I'm back to the old non-life. I still can enjoy my life but not like I did for those six months!! I could play with my grandchildren and I went to a concert and just lived like other people. Last week I saw a new pain specialist who I heard would prescribe Oxycontin but he turned out to be a good friend of my current doctor and refused to take me as a patient although he did say he would suggest a long acting pain medication for me to my doctor, Dr. Youngblood. Youngblood believes pretty much solely in using Methadone for pain which lasts about four hours for me if it works at all and it makes me jump and jerk convulsively in my sleep waking me up all night. I told him about the convulsive movements and he just prescribed a muscle relaxer to control them but it doesn't work. I tell him how often I wake in pain and he gives me sleeping pills that do nothing. I sometimes joke that I am going to have to start using street drugs but as I get older and the pain gets worse I fear it won't be a joke for long if no one helps me. Enough of that.
I have no real plans for today except to get some money out of the bank for Jami to go to the dentist and get a tooth pulled. The drugs, mostly the meth, have devastated her teeth but she still won't quit. She had sadly become this family's poster child for not doing drugs. Only thirty years old and her teeth are just falling out. I pray every day for a way to save her before the drugs or the MRSA kill her.

Thursday

I have three blogs going already but they aren't keeping me busy enough so I decided to start keeping my journal in a blog, too, since I'm online all of the time. I have been keeping a journal on the PC but I think I will write in it more here for some reason. I guess it's knowing people might see it before I die, which is when I expect anyone to look at my other journals, and I think that might me interesting as well as the possibility of getting outside comments on my life. I have read of tragic incidents of people keeping online journals like the girl who wrote in her journal that she was glad a classmate had died and it caused all kinds of trouble and controversy but I don't think things that would get me in that kind of trouble so I doubt I would write them. My life is either at a stand still or going nine different ways at once so maybe this could even get interesting. I'm afraid I love to write more than I have anything great to say! But we'll see...