It is hitting me hard. Gut wrenching, screaming grief to lose Jami again. Jeanette said yesterday that she knew I would be feeling like someone had died and the numbness hadn't worn off yet or something so I didn't know what she was talking about. But here it is. The horrible pity for Jami and sorrow for the little bit of time we have had. Three years.
But they weren't real. Not as long as she can still spew such terrible accusations at me like she really believes them. She does. There is deep hatred there for figments of her own imagination from being "thrown out at sixteen" to saying I was taking advantage of her now or favoring her sisters.
There is deep hatred there for her to beat me down like that.
It's not just her mental illness. It is the things her mental illness has perceived falsely all of her life. She never feels loved enough by anyone. Always insanely jealous of everyone's attention. Always blaming everyone else for her hateful behavior instead of her illness.
I cry for her feeling alone out there even though I know she still has Kirk. She knows he is only there because of a perverse love for her that takes her abuse daily so she never feels secure of even him and torments both of them with her jealousy and rage constantly driving him away and pleading for him to return.
I've tried so hard for the last three years to show her that I would always be there for her to the point that I have often come very close to losing everything in my own life. And my life itself.
I feel like I failed. I did. I couldn't take her craziness that one last time. Too sick. Too exhausted. I let her down.
I let myself down.
But they weren't real. Not as long as she can still spew such terrible accusations at me like she really believes them. She does. There is deep hatred there for figments of her own imagination from being "thrown out at sixteen" to saying I was taking advantage of her now or favoring her sisters.
There is deep hatred there for her to beat me down like that.
It's not just her mental illness. It is the things her mental illness has perceived falsely all of her life. She never feels loved enough by anyone. Always insanely jealous of everyone's attention. Always blaming everyone else for her hateful behavior instead of her illness.
I cry for her feeling alone out there even though I know she still has Kirk. She knows he is only there because of a perverse love for her that takes her abuse daily so she never feels secure of even him and torments both of them with her jealousy and rage constantly driving him away and pleading for him to return.
I've tried so hard for the last three years to show her that I would always be there for her to the point that I have often come very close to losing everything in my own life. And my life itself.
I feel like I failed. I did. I couldn't take her craziness that one last time. Too sick. Too exhausted. I let her down.
I let myself down.
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