Yesterday I woke with a headache that just kept getting worse as the day went on, no matter what I tried, everything from Tylenol to Fiurocet. Jeremy went to work in the evening and Jeanette came over and stayed with me for a while, I don't like to be alone quite yet, and she was going to take me to an ER, but it was almost time for Jeremy to get home and I wanted her to go home to her kids, so I told her I would be fine until Jeremy got here. I was out of my mind with pain by the time he got home shortly after. He took me to Methodist Hospital where they immediately gave me a shot for pain. I told them that I had been sick for about a week before the injury that put me in the neck brace but they still were more interested in what had happened than my illness. I told the admitting nurse what all had happened and they put me in a darkened room to wait to do a brain scan. I had an ice pack over my face and I heard a male voice announcing he was officer so and so and I said Oh no and he replied Oh yes. He grilled me about my injuries and the police report that Dr. Gold had filed and went on and on about me giving them Jami's address and filing a formal complaint so they could go arrest her. I said I couldn't do that because she was pregnant and I couldn't be responsible for her miscarrying if she went to jail and was withdrawn off of the Methadone incorrectly there again, and that I didn't want to go through facing her in court either. He then insisted I file a Restraining Order so she could be picked up immediately if she came near me again and I said that Didn't there have to be three attacks for a Restraining Order? and he said No, do it. I had already promised Jeanette that I would, so I am going to when I feel a little better.
The brain scan showed no permanent looking damage, just small contusions, so I was given more pain meds and antibiotics for a sinus/upper respiratory infection, I was sick a week before IT happened, and they let me go home at two am.
Jeremy was off work today and I went into convulsions several times, begging to die, frightening him and Jeanette who was calling all day. After three doses of the antibiotics I slept naturally for several hours and woke feeling a little better. Jeremy made me some steamed vegetables and I kept them down, the first food I have kept in me for four days.
I must say, I do like the weight loss I have experienced.
But I know I am severely depressed and will call my psychiatrist tomorrow morning. I kept dreaming that I woke up and the apartment was all furnished different and I went looking for Jeremy and when I found him he couldn't hear me or see me. In a couple of the dreams he walked right through me.
I'm not suicidal but seem to have to fight for the desire to live. I can't shake the feeling that I wlll never be the same as the day before and can't imagine a life of less. It took me sooooo long to accept that I was disabled at all and that my back injury would never heal. I haven't ever really felt how old I am until now. Nor have I ever been so aware of how helpless I really am. Even though I knew it would likely hurt me later, I still thought that if I was ever attacked that I would still have adrenalin strength to do whatever was necessary to survive. Knowing now for a fact that that is far, far from true has changed me. I am constantly afraid now. When I walk outside I look at everyone and think They could kill me. It is not a pretty life.
The brain scan showed no permanent looking damage, just small contusions, so I was given more pain meds and antibiotics for a sinus/upper respiratory infection, I was sick a week before IT happened, and they let me go home at two am.
Jeremy was off work today and I went into convulsions several times, begging to die, frightening him and Jeanette who was calling all day. After three doses of the antibiotics I slept naturally for several hours and woke feeling a little better. Jeremy made me some steamed vegetables and I kept them down, the first food I have kept in me for four days.
I must say, I do like the weight loss I have experienced.
But I know I am severely depressed and will call my psychiatrist tomorrow morning. I kept dreaming that I woke up and the apartment was all furnished different and I went looking for Jeremy and when I found him he couldn't hear me or see me. In a couple of the dreams he walked right through me.
I'm not suicidal but seem to have to fight for the desire to live. I can't shake the feeling that I wlll never be the same as the day before and can't imagine a life of less. It took me sooooo long to accept that I was disabled at all and that my back injury would never heal. I haven't ever really felt how old I am until now. Nor have I ever been so aware of how helpless I really am. Even though I knew it would likely hurt me later, I still thought that if I was ever attacked that I would still have adrenalin strength to do whatever was necessary to survive. Knowing now for a fact that that is far, far from true has changed me. I am constantly afraid now. When I walk outside I look at everyone and think They could kill me. It is not a pretty life.
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