I really blathered on in here about the past, reliving it as I wrote, and a lot of feelings I had at the time came out all too clearly and I hurt someone very dear to me, which is our Mikey, who read the blog and was horrified. For my friends who follow this blog through MyBlogLog and don't know, I want to stress here that I love Mikey very, very, much and hold no grudges no matter how bitter I might have been towards him in the past. I would love him just for the wonderful life I know he is giving Joey and Michelle, but it is much more than that. He is an incredibly intelligent, witty, loving, person who had the misfortune to fall in love with my daughter when he was very young. I watched him grow up when he went for survival training in the Air Force shortly after he met Jami ~ I don't think I've ever been prouder of anyone than I was of him when he came home from that the man he was. And yes, I watched him descend into hell and went though several years where I thought of him as a demon from hell. Not ever that he was evil in and of himself, but that he would do evil and allow evil for the love of Jami. Yes, I did accuse him of killing my grandchildren, and I firmly believed it when I said it, and still think the things he allowed during that time damaged my Lindsey for life. I only blamed him more than I do Jami because he himself claimed he would be her Savior, and then let her life be pure Hell. No one is perfect especially if you hold their misdoings up to the light of day, but, even with all I have seen and said about him, I believe Mikey to be one of the finest human beings alive and I would be very lost in this world without his friendship. I can easily say that I would give my life for his.
I hope I said all of that right.
On to the day. It was a very rough morning so I finally called my doctor and told them that I had been assaulted. They told me to come right in and Dr. Gold examined me and said that I had a fractured right collar bone and he believed my neck was actually broken. I asked how that could be when I was walking and talking and was told that was not all that unusual. (Jess told me later about a kid she saw on the news last night who had played a game of football without realizing he had a broken neck.) Dr. Gold wanted to send me by ambulance to get an ultrasound but I refused saying I had to pick up Jess, Jessalynn, and Jeremy first. Good thing I showed up at the Magnetic Imaging place right before it closed because Dr. Gold was there waiting. He himself stayed to read the results and said that I have an incredible amount of arthritis in my neck clouding the image but that I was to wear the neck brace I was fitted with (horroble cursed thing) still as if it were broken and see him next week.
I had no clue I even had arthritis!
He also filed a police report even though I asked him not to. I told him that Jami was already saying it was self defense and that there were no witnesses. He said that beating me down was like beating a newborn infant and would be reguarded that way by the law. He has strength tested me every month for over a year as well as tested my waning muscle tone and knows I couldn't hurt anyone if I wanted to. I said that I knew he was a God fearing man and what about How many times should I forgive my brother? and wasn't forgiveness divine?? He replied that I could forgive all that I wanted, but that such a crime should never go unpunished.
I have no clue how that is going to turn out but it is done whether I like it or not. He feels he can beat any defense Jami gives of self defense even without witnesses, he believes he is my witness.
I have some very dark feelings about it all. I am very ashamed that I don't want Jami here again, not only out of fear, but that I also feel anger. Outrage. That is a blight on my soul. But I also feel a searing pity for her and all she has done to herself and those who love her. I still believe that there is a very sweet person trapped in there that hates the things she does as much as anyone else, and maybe that part of her isn't even able to admit to the other part, thus perpetuating her life of denial. She is so very, very lonely and wants so much to be loved but destroys everyone who gets close to her and then cries because she feel alone and unloved. Yet she is even more complex than having the two sides because she has such a strong survival instinct when you would expect her to finally have to face herself, even to hate herself, like when she lost her chidren. There is something else there, binding it all together, and I actualy have no clue if it is truly good or evil if either.
I am not making sense to even me now. I am tired. I haven't really slept or eaten since IT happened and I am growing weak. Blood pressure was sky high today but that is assumed to be due to pain.
I'll use it now as my excuse for not making a hellova lot of sense.
I hope I said all of that right.
On to the day. It was a very rough morning so I finally called my doctor and told them that I had been assaulted. They told me to come right in and Dr. Gold examined me and said that I had a fractured right collar bone and he believed my neck was actually broken. I asked how that could be when I was walking and talking and was told that was not all that unusual. (Jess told me later about a kid she saw on the news last night who had played a game of football without realizing he had a broken neck.) Dr. Gold wanted to send me by ambulance to get an ultrasound but I refused saying I had to pick up Jess, Jessalynn, and Jeremy first. Good thing I showed up at the Magnetic Imaging place right before it closed because Dr. Gold was there waiting. He himself stayed to read the results and said that I have an incredible amount of arthritis in my neck clouding the image but that I was to wear the neck brace I was fitted with (horroble cursed thing) still as if it were broken and see him next week.
I had no clue I even had arthritis!
He also filed a police report even though I asked him not to. I told him that Jami was already saying it was self defense and that there were no witnesses. He said that beating me down was like beating a newborn infant and would be reguarded that way by the law. He has strength tested me every month for over a year as well as tested my waning muscle tone and knows I couldn't hurt anyone if I wanted to. I said that I knew he was a God fearing man and what about How many times should I forgive my brother? and wasn't forgiveness divine?? He replied that I could forgive all that I wanted, but that such a crime should never go unpunished.
I have no clue how that is going to turn out but it is done whether I like it or not. He feels he can beat any defense Jami gives of self defense even without witnesses, he believes he is my witness.
I have some very dark feelings about it all. I am very ashamed that I don't want Jami here again, not only out of fear, but that I also feel anger. Outrage. That is a blight on my soul. But I also feel a searing pity for her and all she has done to herself and those who love her. I still believe that there is a very sweet person trapped in there that hates the things she does as much as anyone else, and maybe that part of her isn't even able to admit to the other part, thus perpetuating her life of denial. She is so very, very lonely and wants so much to be loved but destroys everyone who gets close to her and then cries because she feel alone and unloved. Yet she is even more complex than having the two sides because she has such a strong survival instinct when you would expect her to finally have to face herself, even to hate herself, like when she lost her chidren. There is something else there, binding it all together, and I actualy have no clue if it is truly good or evil if either.
I am not making sense to even me now. I am tired. I haven't really slept or eaten since IT happened and I am growing weak. Blood pressure was sky high today but that is assumed to be due to pain.
I'll use it now as my excuse for not making a hellova lot of sense.
No comments:
Post a Comment