Life is getting back to what we call normal. I am getting around OK and have plenty of loving support.
The only really difficult thing is that Kirk still needs a ride after work to Council Bluffs until Friday, and that is a fifty mile drive in the middle of the night. But he says he will have arrangements by next week. They have found someone in Carter Lake who will take them in this weekend who has a car and also goes to the Methadone Clinic. I don't know how long they will last there, they lasted longer here than anywhere I know of, but they have a place for now if this goes through. I told Kirk that the Steven's Center takes in couples and helps them get set up if they are willing to work and stay drug free and he says they will go there if the thing in Carter Lake doesn't work out.
Jess is looking very pregnant, in her ninth month! and we are very excited anticipating Jasmine's arrival on October thirteenth. We worry about Jessalynn because she is so easily jealous of her mother's or my attention, but we will be extra, extra careful to show her how very much she is loved. The other day I was asking her about her friend, Ania's parents, and when Jessalynn said that they were both dead I said how terrible that was for her. Jessalynn teared up and said, "It sounds like you wish you were her mother. Do you love Ania more than me now??" Such silly, tragic, questions!!! I assured her that I loved her and told her that I thought it was just sad for any child who had no mommy and daddy.
So life goes on all around me forcing me back into it. I admit I had a bad time alone here last night after Jessica left before Jeremy came home, but if that happens tonight I'll go to Jeanette's until Jeremy gets off.
Last night I kept thinking I heard someone breaking in. I've never been afraid alone at home before! At one point I heard a loud noise in the living room and drug out one of Jeremy's swords even though I could barely lift it. It was just the cats playing and they had knocked over a vase.
When Jeremy and I finally got home after picking him up and taking Kirk to CB, Jeremy fixed me a TV dinner and said I fell asleep with my hand in the mashed potatoes. I was tired all day but too frightened alone here to sleep.
Then this morning I almost didn't get up to take Jessalynn to school. I laid here after the clock went off thinking I couldn't possibly get out of bed. I went through everyone I could think of and couldn't think of any one to call and was about to call Jess and say Jessalynn would have to miss school when I forced myself up and took her to school. When I got home I laid down by Jeremy and slept until noon, laid there drowsing a bit, until the sound of close gunfire came through the open window. Shortly after, the building was surrounded with police. I left as little later to take Jess to pay some bills and stopped and spoke to a female police officer. I told her we had heard the shot and she took down my name etc. and told me that the man in apartment ten had been shot in the leg. I asked if it was safe here for Jessalynn after school and she assured me it was.
I called Jeremy while I was waiting to pick up Jessalynn from school and he told me that the man who had been shot was a very bad man himself with a reputation for messing with young boys and threatening the neighbors and that he likely deserved to be shot. I was just outside with Jessalynn and stopped to talk to some of the neighbors who also said that he ws a very bad person. He's sitting out front right now so everyone has their kids away from him.
We hope he moves away!!!!!
I'm not deleting what I wrote in here since IT happened even though some of it was terrible. It actually felt cleansing to say some of what I have held in all these years. The horrified reactions tell me that I have lived through really terrible things, actual torture, and am very luck to be sane. I am thinking about writing all of it. I used to think about writing a book about my life with an addicted daughter titled "All She's Cracked Up to Be". The title sounds cruel, but I know there are thousands of mothers like me trying to turn their addicted daughters back into the princesses they thought they would be and finding that their little princess just isn't in there any more and will very likely never return. I have been heartened by Jami's clean up since April but can feel the pull the world of drugs still has on her. When she said last week that she would like to maybe do some drugs on the weekends once in a while after the baby is born is when I realized how very far she is from being out of it for good.
The only really difficult thing is that Kirk still needs a ride after work to Council Bluffs until Friday, and that is a fifty mile drive in the middle of the night. But he says he will have arrangements by next week. They have found someone in Carter Lake who will take them in this weekend who has a car and also goes to the Methadone Clinic. I don't know how long they will last there, they lasted longer here than anywhere I know of, but they have a place for now if this goes through. I told Kirk that the Steven's Center takes in couples and helps them get set up if they are willing to work and stay drug free and he says they will go there if the thing in Carter Lake doesn't work out.
Jess is looking very pregnant, in her ninth month! and we are very excited anticipating Jasmine's arrival on October thirteenth. We worry about Jessalynn because she is so easily jealous of her mother's or my attention, but we will be extra, extra careful to show her how very much she is loved. The other day I was asking her about her friend, Ania's parents, and when Jessalynn said that they were both dead I said how terrible that was for her. Jessalynn teared up and said, "It sounds like you wish you were her mother. Do you love Ania more than me now??" Such silly, tragic, questions!!! I assured her that I loved her and told her that I thought it was just sad for any child who had no mommy and daddy.
So life goes on all around me forcing me back into it. I admit I had a bad time alone here last night after Jessica left before Jeremy came home, but if that happens tonight I'll go to Jeanette's until Jeremy gets off.
Last night I kept thinking I heard someone breaking in. I've never been afraid alone at home before! At one point I heard a loud noise in the living room and drug out one of Jeremy's swords even though I could barely lift it. It was just the cats playing and they had knocked over a vase.
When Jeremy and I finally got home after picking him up and taking Kirk to CB, Jeremy fixed me a TV dinner and said I fell asleep with my hand in the mashed potatoes. I was tired all day but too frightened alone here to sleep.
Then this morning I almost didn't get up to take Jessalynn to school. I laid here after the clock went off thinking I couldn't possibly get out of bed. I went through everyone I could think of and couldn't think of any one to call and was about to call Jess and say Jessalynn would have to miss school when I forced myself up and took her to school. When I got home I laid down by Jeremy and slept until noon, laid there drowsing a bit, until the sound of close gunfire came through the open window. Shortly after, the building was surrounded with police. I left as little later to take Jess to pay some bills and stopped and spoke to a female police officer. I told her we had heard the shot and she took down my name etc. and told me that the man in apartment ten had been shot in the leg. I asked if it was safe here for Jessalynn after school and she assured me it was.
I called Jeremy while I was waiting to pick up Jessalynn from school and he told me that the man who had been shot was a very bad man himself with a reputation for messing with young boys and threatening the neighbors and that he likely deserved to be shot. I was just outside with Jessalynn and stopped to talk to some of the neighbors who also said that he ws a very bad person. He's sitting out front right now so everyone has their kids away from him.
We hope he moves away!!!!!
I'm not deleting what I wrote in here since IT happened even though some of it was terrible. It actually felt cleansing to say some of what I have held in all these years. The horrified reactions tell me that I have lived through really terrible things, actual torture, and am very luck to be sane. I am thinking about writing all of it. I used to think about writing a book about my life with an addicted daughter titled "All She's Cracked Up to Be". The title sounds cruel, but I know there are thousands of mothers like me trying to turn their addicted daughters back into the princesses they thought they would be and finding that their little princess just isn't in there any more and will very likely never return. I have been heartened by Jami's clean up since April but can feel the pull the world of drugs still has on her. When she said last week that she would like to maybe do some drugs on the weekends once in a while after the baby is born is when I realized how very far she is from being out of it for good.
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