Morning Coffee

 I have been feeling terrible for most of the last two weeks. My heart's been skipping beats, my chest feels uncomfortable, and I'm dizzy and just can't do anything. Today I thought to try starting my day with 100% decaffeinated coffee and I have absolutely no bad symptoms. How did I not notice this or think of this sooner?? Maybe I can get a few things done today. I have hardly done anything for the last 2 weeks because most days I felt like I might die. I even made an appointment with cardiology!! And THERE IS SO MUCH I NEED TO GET DONE! 

Here's to a blessed,  productive,  day!!

Forgive.

 I am really trying. When Jami came and took the cord and remote to the TV I wanted to burn her stuff but I did find some forgiveness.  I was planning to put her things outside in a tent today and tell her that she could come get it if she brought the cord and remote back. Then something that she KNOWS is extremely important and precious to me was in with her things.  Herbert's 2 ID's and one of my mother's.  I have looked for those for Years.  This is breaking me.  What kind of person is she???? Do I even know her?? I have said that I lost the Real Jami 40 years ago but I never gave up that the Real Jami was in there.  Maybe if/when she was of of drugs the Real Jami would return.  When I let Jami move back in while Jeremy was moving out, I let her believe that I did it because I needed the support, but it was mostly just to piss Jeremy and his assholes off. She liked feeling like the hero, and there was a truth to what she believed.  Jami would have never stood against me with Jeremy like Jess and her cohorts did. Jami often had had my back and this was a no brainer  because she hates Jeremy.  I hoped "foolishly?) that this would all somehow bring my Jami back.  No. Under that armor she did whatever she wanted here. You name the behavior and it happened. Now THIS.

First I thought about a bonfire during the state burn ban. I thought about the dumpster coming.  I felt terrible things! Things that I knew would damage me more than her and go against everything I believe in.  

Today I am going to put her things outside in a tent over the mess she made trying to build a base for the shed as planned. I don't even care about the TV parts. If she doesn't get it before a storm blows away the tent and everything is ruined, I will ask Jeanette to bring the dumpster back.  That will be my forgiveness.  Forgetting will take much longer.  This feels more cruel then when she broke my neck. More deliberate. More evil.  

We are supposed to Cast Out Evil. 

80s and 90s in March!!

 Oh my!! 

I cleared my garden some.  Planned where to dump the compost barrel out. The back SW corner should work. I have some crates for the sides,  might even make a door that opens to stir and later use what I've made.  I would have a lot of ready compost if I had done that last fall. Oh well. Some of the bottom of it will be ready soon. 

I need a wheel barrel still!!

Lasting change

I haven't recreated,  experienced,  that Joy again, I might not in this life! but I haven't,  won't,  can't!, forget it. I downloaded 2 Bible versions. I've read/listened to Matthew and am now in the Book of John. Maybe Acts next?? I watched The Passion with new passion, grief, and awe. Jeanette sent me an amazing NDE that helped me understand at least the cry, "Why hast thou forsaken me!" Who knows if these NDE experiences flooding YouTube are true? But this one gave the best theory on Why would anyone choose this life? She was talking about the choice to reincarnate into situations. but it made me think of Jesus choosing, volunteering to die for us, and then asking if the cup could be removed. She said that in the loving, wonderful,  environment of where we choose from, Heaven?, in that space it is not possible to even comprehend the pain here. We look and say, OK, I can handle that! and then when we are here we have to remind ourselves over and over that God will not test us beyond our endurance!! I have questioned this several times, sure that I was beyond endurance! but I am still here. Could this have applied to Jesus?? It seems like it must.  It clarifies the Garden of Gesethame and The Crusifixation. 

Last night

 I have to count last night as one of the best best,  if not the best, night of my life.  The dream. The dream that Jesus was alive and here.   I fell back asleep several times and went right back into it.  The first time I woke up I thought it was real,  I was so full of joy - I  don't know if I've ever felt Joy like that before.  My faith has been Shakey for years. I think of Phineas in A Separate Peace, "...and pray every night in case there is a God". But in this dream it wasn't possible to doubt! I was sad for a minute to realize that I had been dreaming but still excited that I had actually had a dream like that. Had Faith like that in a dream.  Had a dream that left me full of Joy. Then I feel back asleep and was right back in it.  There were demons skittering all around and I said, "Satan! Get Thee Behind Me" and I stood there in delighted amazement that they ran away! But this time I was faced with a terrifying man possessed by demons ant I forced myself to approach and lay my hand on his face and yell "In the name of JESUS CHRIST leave this man!" and the demons came screaming out of him. Then I knew,  it felt like the whole world knew,  that Jesus was King and He was about to return.  Hallelujah!! I woke again, and went through the grief that it wasn't real again, but I closed my eyes hoping to go back to that reality and I was right back there.  

I don't remember all of the details of these dreams. I know the first one started with being raised to the ceiling of a 3 story room, looking down, a little scared but mostly amazed that it was happening.  When I was lowered into the demonic chaos and started using Bible verses to control it I knew that I was living a miracle.  I remember that Mike was with me in it the 3rd or 4th time I fell back asleep and we were both filled with that Joy and Wonder. The last time I woke I knew that it was over but I laid here trying to hang  onto the beauty of it as long as I could but it just stayed with me all day. 

Then I had a really bad experience.  My hands started burning. First I thought I had burned my fingertips getting a tortilla out of the air fryer but then the burning spread to all of my fingers including the back of my right hand. I was going to go to the ER but I googled it and realized that an ER wouldn't,  couldn't,  help me. It reminded me of after THE van wreck, Jeremy laying there with a broken neck screaming that his hands were on fire. How the neurologist told us that was his spinal cord firing through his fingers because his spinal cord was dying.  Nerve pain. I have a tub of ice water to dip my hands in. I have a wet pair of gloves I wear when I'm not writing/texting. 

It just occurred to me. Could my hands have anything to do with what I dreamed all night? 

Could it??

In the name of Jesus Christ

 This has been the craziest night. I keep falling asleep and dreaming that I am in the end of times facing demons and everything and it is terrifying but the demons all stop or are destroyed by the name of Jesus Christ. 3 times I've fallen back into this same dream.  It is wonderful. 

Still don't get it

 The things Jami blew this up over are just really stupid.  She Knew we had to clear and clean the basement.  The last time she was here,  before this explosion,  I was in the basement when she came in and I showed her that I was bagging and labeling the bags.  She left shortly after and never came back for the clean up.  She rented a storage unit and still didn't come to clear out the things she had left. Wait. First she said that she wasn't going to need a storage because she and Mike had an apartment for the next 5 years. Which sounded fake, but whatever.  Then she rented a storage. I figured an apartment had a fridge, and the one down in out basement was actually Lindsey's, so I said Kira or Jess could have it.  Then Jami said she was coming to get it.  And asked Jess to bake Mike a birthday cake. ! . Jess did say yes since she hates to say No. She will bake a cake for a man she hates just to keep peace with Jami. But when I told Jami she couldn't have Lindsey's fridge she got pissed and said that without getting the fridge she couldn't come to get Mike's cake. ? . Then Rizzo texts asking for "her" TV. I of course told him NO. Then she showed up here with Rizzo 10:30 at night.  She was in the basement before I knew she was here.  I had told her that we were sorting, packing her things for her but I guess the reality of that was somehow a surprise that Pissed Her Off. She sits here 2 years wallowing in filth, contributes almost no money,  but always is Going To Pay. She did get the drain down there working.  She and Mike tore Kira's car apart and left it in pieces.  She smoked meth down there All The Time. She was a nightmare to have in the house,  has been for 20 years, but she feels entitled to leaving this house trashed and getting mad when we clean it. Mad about Her Things. All of which used to be other people's things. How does a homeless, unemployed person have So Mucb Stuff?? I didn't find Jasmine's shirt but I sure found other things that she had no right to have.  Is she angry she is caught out in that? A lot of it looks like hoarding. I don't know but it is a nightmare down there.  I had to clean a pile of MAGGOTS on the dresser!! They went all down the back am on the floor!! SO GROSS!!! But, there wasn't going to be a War. We were carefully putting everything that we thought she might want around the bed to be packed and stored for her. I told her that. What did she do?? She took the cords to Jeremy's TV!!! Why?? Just to start the this. Just to be a Super Bitch. But, again, WHY. Why not leave things at least friendly? Why not be happy we weren't just throwing all her crap away like she deserves?? Now No One wanted to continue to try to save anything for her.  

We always think Jami has committed the ultimate crime and won't be forgiven but somehow she always works her way back in. And it hasn't been subtle.  She will show up beat half to death in the rain and get let in. She will call in the middle of the night from the middle of no where.  She will just be in the house when I come home.  She fractured my neck and broke my nose and stands in this house declaring that she has never done anything to hurt me.  We all just stared at her.  Robby had heard the story from Jeanette and after Jami left the room he asked if his mom had the story right.  Does Jaamu really erase the things she does?? She really needs to lay in the bed she has made while she blames everyone else for her mistakes.  Maybe realize she is entitled to nothing here.  Maybe learn to be grateful Jeremy let her use his Roku TV instead of pissed that it hadn't become hers.  I don't think I'll live to see her try too come back and if Jeanette lives here I don't know what she will get.  Nett says she will build Jami's shed but, even if she did,  it really won't be liveable for long.  Certainly not thru winter. I can't look at this.  I can't stress over what goes on after I'm gone.  I'll be Done here.  Whatever comes next,  I will be done Here.  Sometimes that doesn't sound bad at all.  

Disbelief again

 I really can't believe she wanted this to go this way! And she probably didn't.  Temper.  Temper. Shoots herself in the foot again, trades good will and all the crap here for a television cord. I can't get Jeremy to answer,  he might anyway be headed here.  Maybe that's a good thing

😀Jenise and Phillip visit

 What a lovely chaotic weekend!! Jenise,  Phillip,  and Elliot came up for the weekend  🙂. They got here Saturday morning and stayed until Sunday evening.  Saturday evening the house filled up.  They went to dinner with Desi and brought her with them when they came back.  Then Sara, Brook, and Tracy  came to visit (Elliot) and then Jeanette showed up a little later. Lindsey was in any out, too between working her Uber job. It was crowded and the laughter was just beautiful! It really was a fun crowd to have the privilege of being a part of.  I slipped out and  went to bed while the party was still going because I wanted to get up early and make a big breakfast but then I overslept,  didn't get to until after 9!! When I did get up I started the breakfast while taking a lot of good natured teasing about my lost ability to cook a meal.  I swear,  I dont know how Jess cooks such amazing meals on our awful stove! Plus I almost never cook here and I  don't know where anything is or how to make everything work. Over 3 hours later I served breakfast that was barely edible. Kira came in and said that she was going to taste what I made and rate it in a scale of 1 to 10. She only gave me an E for effort! She didn't even give me a 1!! and she was correct,  it was awful.  Phillip said that he would pay to go out to eat next time they visit. Jeanette and the boys,  with Riley's "girlfriend", showed up right after what turned out to be brunch or lunch and Jeanette and I trimmed Jenise's hair before they left to return to Kansas.  This was all really stressful for Jess. That makes me sad 😔.  I wish Jess could enjoy gatherings like this! But I think that she enjoyed parts of it all,  too. Jess did visit some with Jenise and with Jeanette.  She clearly loves them and they love her. I can understand that she felt overwhelmed when everyone was here.  It will be better when we get this place cleared out more so it feels like there is room for everyone.  I loved every minute of this weekend ❤️❤️❤️. 

Jambi

 Not a typo, part of her FB name. Jess and I have been digging out her mess in the basement so she is on my mind even more than usual.  Always. Worry. Why is this daughter almost 50 years old and So Very Lost. Addiction. That's the main part of the story.  Addiction plus some personality flaws that make the Addiction harder to deal with or conquer.  Or is that the Addiction,  too? Plus her horrible taste in men.  Ok. Mostly her unfathomable love for Mike Watson.  That and/or the Addiction is going to kill her.  I HATE the thought of her being alone and crying! but she has been alone and crying for a huge part of her life,  even when she is "happy". She was with me for 2 years this last time.  I've been telling her ever since we moved into this house that she Had To start contributing or leave so someone else could.  (Is that like Robby never understanding that I'm not secretly sitting on a hidden money tree? I could prove this situation to both of them showing the bills compared to my income.  I Have Shown Jami.)

Jami says she and Mike somehow have an apartment for the next 5 years.  That doesn't even make sense and,  even if it did,  her living with Mike is never guaranteed.  They will fight,  he will beat her, she will be beat up an no where to go,  Repeat. 

Like always she left a huge mess here for us to sort and clean.  I'm find things we have been missing for years an then wonder who is missing the rest of the things she has somehow collected.  The mess is so big and heart breaking! She drags home more things obviously intended for us than intended for herself.  

Yes. The mess,  the meth, the meth people, her temper, and her inability to even pay her own way are all nearly impossibly to deal with but I love and miss her so much! fear for her so very much! when she is out in the world like she is now.  There is no reasonable hoping that her situation is going to get better while Meth and Mike are the center of her life.  There is the tragic KNOWING that her bad situation is going to end with her death.  It is unbearable to think about her dying before me and equally unbearable to think of dying and leaving her truly alone in this world.  I want to believe that her sisters wouldn't ever leave her on the streets to die homeless and alone but the reality is that they can't/won't put up with taking care of her.  Most of the grandchildren would just kick her while she is down and not bat an eye.  Some of them would do that to me, too! Jeanette says she is going to have Jami's shed built but will she still say that if I am dead before it is built? 

I need to get it built!

Grief. Why do people say "Good grief!"? What grief is good? Whatever.  I have been grieving the loss of Jami for over 30 years. The promising girl that she was is long gone but I believe that all of the women she has been since then love me.  Even when she hates me. 

I don't love all of the people she has been, but I do love so very many things about her.  Her heart is good even though she can act totally heartless.  Her sense of humor is wickedly great. Her sense of loyalty to family will rise above everything else at every crisis.  How many people can I honestly say these things about? 

I need, want, to have some kind of unbreakable plan to take care of Jami after I am gone.  For Jeanette and Jessica, too! I do believe that Jeanette will at least try to take care of her sisters.  Jess is a beautiful person but I don't know that she will be able to even want to take care of her sisters.  Her children and Jeremy are the only ones that I feel sure that Jess would even help.  Jess is trying to make my life miserable for wanting to help Jeanette! even though I need Jeanette to continue to take care of everyone here and me. I AM going to take Jeanette in.  I'm sure that Jess would weirdly rather have Jeremy back,  and I hope Jess never leaves him alone and homeless! but,  not only does he need/want to be on his own right now,  he wouldn't be able to keep up with this house without me to organize, plan, it. 

Jeanette can. 

Always in trouble

 It feels like Jesse's always mad at me, like I'm a little kid getting in trouble! And I do understand that old people are kind of thought of as and treated as little kids as we start to get less capable,!? It usually doesn't really bother me, but just every now and then, it hits me funny because I'm the one that takes care of making sure we survive here. I'm the one Who makes sure the bills get paid. I'm the one who stresses when I can't pay them, like this month. But I'm in trouble if I don't clean the cat box everyday, or if I get distracted while I'm supposed to be doing something, like cleaning the basement right now, and I start fixing up Jazz's car for her because I borrowed it to go get Jesse a coffee.

Jeanette has said something about when she moves in she wants to be able to pay all or most of the bills so I have some spending money. I really can't think of anything I would spend money on, I don't really care about clothes, I don't really care about what I eat, but there might be one thing I would want to do if I had the money. First of all it would be to go see my brother before one of us dies. I dream of doing that all the time! Or sometimes just traveling, driving across country even though I'm an old woman who probably shouldn't now. I used to love doing that. I drove to Texas from Omaha five times a year sometimes! But I think sometimes I would just like to get away from here. I really wanted to get away when Jeremy and I split up and everybody seemed to stand behind Jeremy instead of me. Well the people in this house anyways. That made me want to run away and I still have that feeling. I'm pretty sure I forgiven everybody for what they did and said then even though I think they were wrong. Okay wait. Take that back. I don't forgive Jocelyn and brandon. They went way overboard. They had no business at all they don't even live here. It was probably an excuse that they don't have to worry about what goes on here. Okay, the friction might just be about jessica. She's never apologized for it. And I think it's because she doesn't feel like she did anything wrong. And that hurts. All the years Jeremy hated her and was hateful to her and I stood by her and taken care of her, and it meant nothing to her. I will never understand that. And I want to get away from it sometimes. Even though I love just to death! I think she's one of the sweetest people ever born! And most of the time I love the way she takes care of this house, the house I already gave to her. The house, I often feel like I don't belong here. Like I'm not wanted here. And it's not about Kira or jazz. Kara was part of it at the time of the split up, but she's just a kid, and I think she understands it better now. I know it's probably confusing to all of them to find out how much Jeremy and I still love each other! If they're even capable of understanding that. Funny, jeremy, the one everybody thought was just a little slow, understands what happened to your better than anybody. Actually apologized for his part and what happened here. Actually invites me to come to work he is and get away from everybody here. And that would be probably really nice for me! But I wouldn't do it to him. He's still in a rough patch dealing with the split, morning what was lost, but he still needs to be out on his own to find something new. That's what I want for him. He was so miserable here. He sends me heartbreak songs all the time, songs about lost love, songs about mistreating someone who loves you. But it is time for him to stop grieving, it's time for both of us to start a new life. I know my life is almost over. But if I'm going to be here any longer I'd like to find another life for myself. Not necessarily another relationship! Just a life. There's got to be more than sitting around feeling like a kid in trouble everyday. There's got to be something more than always feeling like you need what you don't have. I would like to just have the food that is good for me to eat everyday. And don't have the energy to make it, nobody else would like what I need or want, but I still wish I had it.

Nightmare kind of

 I had one of those nightmares where I knew i was asleep and kept trying to make my body move to wake up.  A man kept grabbing me from behind in like a backwards bear hug. At one point it was a big guy and it felt kind of like Jeremy so I stopped trying so hard to wake up but then he lit a cigarette so it wasn't really Jeremy and then I woke up. 

Pending Disasters

 House and car going to blow up,  need to make sure insurance is paid up....

My car needs a new head gasket and whatever changing that entails.  The natural gas leak here is getting much worse. I have gas and electric shut off notices.  But

I goy my chest CT results and the "suspicious spot" is not at this time cancer.  But if I died my life insurance would pay everything off...  

Win some, lose some.

Jeanette says Jordan will fix my car.  Yes, The Jordan who was fixing my van transmission for $500 that I had to pay someone else $5000 to replace.  Maybe I won't pay him in advance this time...

Lindsey and Annabella came this morning with Adonis for the dog walk at Mile Park.  That went OK, Adonis didn't eat Gabby, Nova, or Me. 

Another day in the neighborhood. 

Winter is back!!

They even canceled school today and it hasn't even started to snow yet! Our area is expected to get 6 inches!! I bet we don't be we are preparing just in case.   

I'm working on the basement drain again today.  Jami left a few days ago saying she would return the next day to fix the drain... I have shop vacked out the laundry room several times.  Last time I even got the standing water around the edges of the room.  It is all nasty mold everywhere.  When I am clearing the drain down there I am very careful about not taking the mold thru the basement, wiping my feet on a towel soaked in bleach whenever I leave the laundry room.  I KNOW no one else is even that careful.  I'm going to have to mop the path from the laundry room to the bathroom,  and probably everywhere! with bleach when/ if this is ever over.  Jami says that the floor drain doesn't go directly to the Main Drain,  that the clog is between the laundry room and the main line that runs from the toilet to the street down there.  I'm suctioning the standing water over the floor drain again and then putting in a drain cleaner that Toby recommended and praying that works.  Yesterday I got that drain completely empty and when I stuck the shop vac hose in the drain it sucked up a large bolt.  ?? What the hell else is down there? I bought a drain cover for the floor drain when we moved in but have often gone down there and found it left uncovered.  Whatever.  It is a hell of a lot of work for me to clear the drain!! I bought a 3 Gallon shopvac but it sure doesn't seem to take up 3 gallons!! I've been emptying it into a 5 gallon bucket and carry that to dump down the toilet down there.  I can fill it with 2 shopvacfuls and could fit another 1 in the bucket except that would make it too heavy for me to safely carry.  So. I can't believe this is really a 3 gallon shopvac!! I'm buyout great at math but I shouldn't be any to empty it even 2 times into my 5 gallon bucket.  

Time to get to it.  I HATE THIS So Much!!!! 

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe this might work???

What I said

 I did try to have the talk with Robby.  I told him that there was No Way he could be in the right to fight with his mom because she really does not have to put up with it.  That he is almost 20 years old and his mom shouldn't be supporting him when all he does is play video games.  He started with the Everyone Treats Riley differently and I said Of course we do! you guys are different people and Riley is 2 years younger. I said everything that everyone has been saying about his situation and tried every way I could think of to make him hear me.  But he really didn't.  I could see him shutting me out,  I could see him working hard to keep a neutral face,  and then he said,  I don't know what to say that you would understand, and I said,  No, you know that I WOULD understand,  and then that I would tell you that you are wrong, and Part of you KNOWS that you are wrong! so you don't say it out loud.  I told him that he had to go back home and make things right with his mom.  That there is No Excuse for the way he has treated Jeanette and that he needs to learn to at least Act grateful that she still houses him.  

Robby might have an undiagnosed mental issue but it all Feels like just a terrible attitude. He acts 100% entitled and really doesn't see that that attitude is groundless. He has No Ability to Feel The Room because he is so wrapped up in his self pity and what he believed is righteous anger.  I struggling to even find words to describe his aura. He came here for refuge carrying with him the attitude that His needs should come first.  Example.  We told him that he had to keep his dog with him at all times here and when Lucky tried to go into Jess's room and Nova snapped at her Robby said that Jess needed to put up a gate to contain her dog! That is a clear little example of his thinking. He had the nerve to go through Jami's things, and not only helped himself, but judged the things she had.  Wrong words. Ok. He brought several cans of cat food upstairs that he found in her room and said,  'Look at what Jami has hidden in he room!' I said, 'What? She buys those for her cat!' He said,  'No, these were definitely hidden in her room!' I again said,  'SHE BUYS THOSE! She has No Reason to hide them - THOSE ARE HERS!' Yet he Insisted that she was doing something wrong with them and  he Would Not back down.  I just told him to stop going through her things and I had to run to the store and Jess told me that he went right back down there as soon as I left! WTF??? And he was helping himself to things.  Jess saw him carrying something upstairs and he hunched over whatever it was and turned away from her trying to sneak it past her and hid it in his things. WTF?? I don't think he even understood that he was STEALING from Jami.  Yes. Lindsey looked through Jami's things and took things that were hers, and a few things that she found out were not her things, and Lindsey brought those things back.  Lindsey clearly didn't feel entitled to Jami's belongings and she is Jami's daughter who Might rightfully feel like he mom owes her something.  Jami doesn't owe Robby a damn thing! No One does. Not even his mother. And that is a really the tough one for Robby to grasp. Yes. Jeanette,  like ALL moms,   has made mistakes.  But Robby's current situation is the result of His Own mistakes.  HE chose to stop going to school. HE chose to sit there not working in the YEARS since then.  I had thought for a while the he has to feel something, like at least feel left behind,  when the younger little girls in the family passed him up working and buying nice cars. I was prepared to try to make him feel better about that,  make him see the he could still 'catch up' if he started behaving properly with his mom so she could continue to help him while he got his shit together.  But I had that all wrong. He doesn't really feel left behind by the girls working harder for their futures.  He seems to think that the girls just had more help than he did.  I don't think at that Robby even believes that Jazz and Kira saved and bought their own cars.  He didn't Say It but I really think he believes that I secretly helped them.  Kind of like how it has seemed like Robby has just been sure that I have a lot of money the he is entitled to and not being given his Fair Share of. I bought them all computers when we got the settlements.  I had to exchange some of them including his. At the time Robby told me not to replace his,  the he really would rather have $200 for a new bed.  I sent him the money.  He still feels like I owe him a PC. It has come up several times in different ways. WTF. I say that about So Many situations wit him! W T F. I do have a deep feeling of pity for him,  mostly that he if So Lost in SELF pity that he has crippled himself.  

Again. There could  be a mental issue behind a lot of this.  Jeanette took him to Dr Jeffrey to try an antidepressant because he is definitely depressed.  But a lot of his depression springs from his strange attitude about his life. Where does That come from?? He should be in therapy but I doubt he even takes the antidepressant. Jeanette did put him in therapy a few years ago but he didn't like it,  didn't want to do it,  which makes it hard to make progress.  And I haven't met many therapists who are any good.  Who seem to really be trying to help instead of just getting a pay check.  Who seem to care.  I spent years in therapy after Steve left to buy cigarettes ant the only one who stands out was a meditation therapist. Not because she was so good but because what she was teaching was so valuable to me.  Robby needs one with some skill to rewire the way he is looking at his life in this world.  And he needs it for all of us.  Robby has become a dark cloud in the family.  The bad energy surrounding him is suffocating him and everyone around him.  It is a little terrifying. 

I have been working on writing this for days hoping that figuring out how to write it will give me a clue to how to help him. Maybe. 

A week w/Robby

 Oh my.  My grandson,  Robby, was here for a week during the mess here.  I really don't know exactly how to describe what that was like.  I didnt really understand what Jeanette has been going through with him.  He will be 20 years old in 2 months.  He stopped going to school ago 3 years ago and has barely worked since then.  He worked part time at Dairy Queen for a few months.  Was Let Go.  Jeanette was seeing up job interviews for him that somehow never panned out until he got a security job at Burlington last fall that he quickly was died from.  He has contributed next to nothing financially and barely helped around the house.  I know people were telling Nett to put him Out. I mentioned several times that my mother put Mike out when he stopped going to school.  Not that I had agreed with her! We had just lost our father and were all messed up,  including her. But it did many Mike learn to talky care of himself.  I want wanting Nett to put Robby out on the street like that but even if i had been she wouldn't have. Jeanette sufferes from what most mothers suffer from, Guilt, but even me than most. Yes, she made some big mistakes like being together with Jon  and then Asshole David, but most of her problems were out of her control.  Losing her eye, catching on fire. Plus it is just really hard to be a single parent,  especially with teenagers! Whatever. 

She had been telling me how Robby gets violently angry but I don't think I really understood it until now.  They got in an argument over Robby doing the dishes and she told him to get out. But it didn't look like she was going to actually put him out so I let him come here so I could maybe talk to him - truthfully I'm not totally sure of what my intentions were but I am sure that I really had no clue what I was getting into.  He is a MESS. We always knew that he has anger issues.  He was a frightening little kid even in elementary school.  Jeanette probably didn't forget that but I kind of did in the years since they lived with me.  I think I was just assuming that he had grown out of that behavior.  He mostly presents himself to me as very sweet, thoughtful even, but I would hear things from Jeanette and Riley that I wish I had taken a lot more seriously.  I mostly just observed him during the week he was here trying to figure him out and fidget out hour to talk to him,  how to help him.  

Been a while

 Everything has been happening too much too fast or at a standstill because I am sick so it has felt overwhelming to write anything.  I've been dealing with severe stomach pain any diarrhea for about 2 weeks now.  Not sure about Why and I'm a little afraid to find out. That's the Oh wow I'm old thing.  Something is likely going to take me out soon so medical crisis are frightening 🫣 . I saw Dr. Jeffrey a couple of days into it but I want worried about it yet,  a couple of days of cramping diarrhea happens fairly regularly with the IBS and bowel resection I have going on. Yesterday I saw Dr Gold who heard good beasts and thought zebras, he is afraid that I have Cdiff  and asked me to leave his clinic and go see Dr Jeffrey again. I haven't yet. Then I had a crown built too high after a root canal - OUCH - that was probably infected plus UTI symptoms so I started Amoxicilan even tho I knew it might make the gut issue worse.  I don't know if it did but it didn't get worse or better.  The tooth still hurts and peeing still hurts and I am 5 days in the antibiotics.  Through all of this we've had a war between Jami and Lindsey,  Robby came here for a week and Phillip and Jenise came for their birthday tempura and cake on the 6th. 

The Jami/Lindsey war is just sad.  I have worried every time they started hanging out together again because it has always ended badly.  If they could ever just visit without getting up each other's butts it might not be so bad. They are always both a little wrong in these things.  I don't know why again when trouble got started Jami's first reaction was "OK - I'm packing my stuff and leaving." She did that when I found out Mike Watson was staying here and said he had to go.  That was a little understandable,  she was leaving to be with him so he could kick her ass again. Ok. Not so understandable.  More understandable than this time.  True when she was yelling at Lindsey defending herself and then started yelling at me because she thought I was just defending Lindsey and then I told her Yea, take your things and go - And then she always says something like "That's what you wanted all along". Shit. She is very much a pain in the ass to house but I have done it over an over even tho it Always goes the same.  Her part of the house trashed, meth and meth people in our house, next to No contribution, etc. I HAVE been telling her all year that I needed to move Jeanette or someone in who can and does help with the bills an Jami is always going to help Next Week or tomorrow,  whatever.  

Then in all this BS Jenise and Phillip come for their birthdays and I try to make it  good visit,  I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving!, but I was too sick and worn down to do the tempura dinner we planned and it SUCKED. We tried to at least do a stir fry but I did the rice and ruined it which ruined the dinner.  *sigh*

I'm in terrible pain. Blinding cramps. And dammit what if it IS C- diff??

More blurrr

 Ok. Last week Jeanette's car broke down and i was driving her until she got her car Friday BUT then the ignition broke so I'm driving again until she can get it fixed.  

Then the last day that I drove her,  or was it after??, Robby and Jeanette got in a big fight and he ended up here i thought to cool off but that had not happened at all.  Lindsey can't here worried that her mom has things of hers because I found Jake's Mastercard in my car and Lindsey has never been in my car so Jami must have stopped it there.  Then Jeanette and Riley came over and were looking at the basement and they found Annabella's social security card on the floor by the basement bath room so Lindsey asked if she could check if her safe and some other things were in her mom's room and they and other things were.  I sent a picture of the things to Jami only saying oh No. Jami rushed home and the fight was on.  The really stupid thing was that Jami's first reaction was to say 'I'm coming home to get my stuff' ant I remembered she did the same thing when I found out that she was sneaking Mike into the house. She really spent have any where else to live and her first reaction here is to say she is leaving.  She came home very angry,  loudly defending herself so aggressively it was very frightening. At some point she yelled that I was a MF and I said 'OK get your stuff and go' but she also immediate said that she shouldn't have said that.  Way too much trauma and drama!!!

Aside from ALL of the BS going on,  Lindsey stayed the night Friday and we got to hang out a LOT together which was realtor nice 🙃. I had wanted that for a long time. 

I don't want any of the other BS.

A blur of days

 I barely know what day it is lately.  I was sick for a few weeks and then life started happening again.  And more. I've had to drive Jeanette to work and back a while,  which i don't mind at all,  it seems like it's the only time we get to talk,  but then there has been trouble with her and Robby, who is here now,  Lindsey has been coming around,  and with that Jami and she have been fighting,  and now I am spared to be preparing for Jenise and Phillip to come for their Tempura birthdays next weekend,  😍. Oh and I have a bad tooth hurting me,  should get to see my dentist tomorrow.  

First I really need to figure out how to get through to Robby. He's been here a few days and I haven't accomplished anything with him.  I was hoping he was working it out himself but then today I found out that he is trashing Jeanette and not trying to make anything better at all.  He has some really strange and bad anger issues. 

More late.   Kira is really sick,  102 temp, need to take care of her. 

Better

 A much better day.  I feel like I woke up today. I know that I have been very ill but barely remember the last week. I'm still a little shaken driving,  I picked up Riley today, and stopped at King Vape, but I had a couple of mistakes that could have been accidents.  I was kind of hungry today and enjoyed dinner, stuffed shells,  no meat,  🙂. My ears are ringing a little and my eyes feel funny but I'm pretty sure that I'm finally starting to feel better.  Maybe good enough that I could make it to see Dr Jeffrey 🤔.

I'm in the back yard and it's 3 am. I was never comfortable in the back,  and even sometimes the front!, yard at the last house.  We are still in North O but most of the time it feels safe here.  No one had been shot on our street!! This is an older neighborhood,  mostly homeowners around our house.  It's nice.  I hope this area stays nice but if it goes downhill the girls can sell it.  I doubt Jess will want to leave here so I hope someone helps her keep this place if she wants it after I'm gone.  She won't be able to handle it on her own even if she gets on disability.  I wouldn't be able to if I didn't have guardianship pay for Jazz and even with that I am really struggling to pay the bills.  It doesn't help that I seem to be chronically running behind and have to set alarms to get anything done. And then too often ignore the alarm or procrastinate until we are flying by the seat of our pants. I believe Jeanette is really going to move in here and that will save us but I feel so stressed worried about how Jess will handle it. Sometimes I feel like i can't breathe. Mostly dealing with Robby.  He can't be acting Neanderthal punching holes in walls,  yelling,  and slamming doors.  Riley loses it,  too, sometimes.  Jess and stress rhyme but do not go together well!!

Sicker

 I'm not getting this,  getting a little scared,  this is just awful. 

2 Below

...right now.  It's very true that the winters are much,  much,  warmer than they were the first 10 years or more that I lived in the "Forzen Tundra" as my friend Barbara used to say. Barbara and Pat and my mom wanted me back in Texas the most.  I'm still up here.  Freezing.  One and a half more months,  then amnesia causing spring. No. The amnesia doesn't really happen any more.  Spring is beautiful enough to make you forget how BAD winter was but I never forget any more. It was just amazing to me the first time I saw spring up here.  Winter was never harsh enough in Texas for spring to even stand out.  But first.  Surviving winter. This might be my last.  

Odd that's not at all comforting. 

Urgent Care

 I finally decided I was sick enough to need a doctor.  I don't know got many days I have spent miserable telling myself I would feel better tomorrow but today I sought professional help.  Actually, I would go  than I do but I am always afraid they won't help me although of course I don't invite that until I actually go.  I'm not even sure what is wrong. I just knew that Doxycycline world many it better so I said everything I could think of to get it. Sinus, bladder, lungs,  something is infected or maybe everything is infected. Night sweats,  vomiting,  headache and then today I was driving with the windows open,  maybe 20 degrees out? because I was sweating and that was the last straw as they say.  I just hope this works but actually I know that it will I just don't know how long I will feel better.  I go round and round with this.  There is probably an underlying cause but until I know what it is I at least know that this will make it better for a while. 

I had a 2 hour face time with Jenise and Elliot this evening.  😄❤️ Love that!!

Annabella

 I got Annabella for the first time today 🫠. She's pretty adorable! And super smart.  I only had her for a few hours and Jess helped a Lot. (All children and animals love Jess. That says a lot about who she is!( I guess I will do a couple of things to make this house more kid friendly.  I planned on doing it for Elliot, but I'm doing it now for Annabella and hopefully still for Elliot!! We have little chairs but also might need a little table.  Jess gave her cereal and she had to sit on the floor and us the little chair for a table.  It worked but I hope to do better.  Lindsey also had Toby bring me a couple of shelves from clearing out her house that hopefully will help with organizing some things here.  It's terrible that we have been here almost 2 years and still haven't finished setting up the house. A lot of what needs taken care of is my stuff and tools tht need to be taken downstairs to the tool cabinet.  Maybe I can get Riley to come help me with that?? OK. Back to Annabella. She is a lot of fun to have around but I think I forgot how much energy for into keeping up with toddlers.  I miss having the grandkids all here when they were little BUT I don't think I could keep up with all of them now.  Great Grandma. Oh my! Also,  Lindsey is having trouble with her mother in law, who they are living with for now!, and Lindsey says she makes her compete for Annabella and does things like take off to Vegas with Annabella without consulting Lindsey.  I decided to get in this stupid game.  I had a squishy Bluey waiting here for Annabella and I'm probably going to keep making it known that I'm great grandma BY Bloodline. We'll put that in her pipe to smoke.  

Nightmare

 I HATE the nightmares.  Alone in the world. Being ripped to sheds and no one cares.  No one to save me.  Alone. How everyone here,  in this house,  made me feel when Jeremy and I split. The way my children were after Steve left.  Alone.  I'm awake now.  But I don't want to the comfort of That was only a nightmare - I live it,  too. Homeless.  Alone.  So many times.  So I dreamed of buying my own home.  Filling it with people who loved me.  And I'm alone in it. I thought my life was a test I had to "pass" to get to heaven.  Jeanette says it hasn't been a test,  that it has been a punishment that ran in 22 year cycles. There was comfort in believing her.  I could stop trying to pass the impossible test. But I'm still here.  

I cry. 

❄️ a little

 Quite cold again.  February should be the end of this and then the spring dazzles me so by fall I have forgotten the misery.  

I would probably try to build another snow fort if we got enough of the right snow. I would have Jess checking on me if I did and maybe take an oxygen tank outside with me. I wonder - do those work when they freeze?? Hmm. Whatever.  Irie would nerve less work than before.  The first time I had to start over a dozen or so times trying to fight or how to do it.  The next year I struggled to remember what worked best the last year by it was a bigger fort with a fireplace🔥 in the middle. Caught myself on fire in there. A mini dozen, like a riding lawnmower with a snow scoop would neve awesome.  Dinghy think I'll be able to get one.  Jeremy gave away my riding mower... that still stings a little.  But,  yes, I would make the attempt if we got even 1 foot of snow. Annabella might like it.  Everyone else would just say yep, she's still not quite all there... and I have new neighbors to impress.  I've always also wanted to try an ice sculpture even though I sucked at the big bar of ivory soap sculptures in high school.  I don't remember what I was trying to carve but Bill Goolsby bit the top of it off on the list day.  I got an F in sculpture.  Probably saved me from an F that I couldn't blame anyone else for.  That art teacher was one of many who decided to hate me day 1c of being in their class.  Most were clearly racist but a few just had that reaction to me.  Or they wetter me cleverly racist ... Anyway,  I would love to sculpt something dramatic like a dragon. I might need Bill Goolsby... He was still alive in FB the last time I looked.  Funny,  I ferment him but that incident in at class is All I remember about him.  I know I never hung out with him,  completely different clicks whatever.  An igloo would be really cool,  that was actually what I started out trying to make the first time, that ended up just being a fort.  It might not be cold enough to build an igloo here... I've also always been interested in winter camping.  The kind where you're cute and a good sleeping bag kept you alive.  Dammit. I think the trash truck is coming

And Wow. Jess remembered to get the trash out last week. 

With Jeanette's household we will have 8 people living here 😮. I know Jess is dragging the merge maybe more than Jami.  I am the only one actually loving the idea just to see more of Jeanette.  

Jess HATES the idea of turning the living room into a room for Jeanette but I really want to do it and so does Jeanette. Our living room has barely been used in the 2 years we have been here.  The girls have had friends over playing in there a handful of times and Jazz used the big TV a few times to play her games.  Jlynn and bitchass campef out in it on weekends a few times too many the first 6 months. Jenise and Phillip called out there a couple of days after Thanksgiving.  A and it just sits there enough m empty with $2,000 of furniture and a life size TV. (OK. Not quite life size, but Close!). Things are piled around the edges and in the corners that never got unpacked or put away. It Does Not get used.  The dining room,  either. Even if we have Thanksgiving or something here,  Jess and Jazz don't join us even though Jess is the one who wants to have these sit down dinners. I thought it was just us messing up family traditions but recently I read that it is just the way things are for Most People these days.  Family rooms are becoming obsolete except for Gaming Rooms. And Mancaves are a thing for some,  too. Jeremy ended up with one at the last house.  Obsolete.  Electronics have a lot to do with it.  When we used to gather as a family at restaurants,  the last few years half (or more) of us would be on our phones. Jess and sometimes Riley are the only ones who actually talk to me when I'm driving us places.  Jami is the worst.  She is deaf in one ear, can't hear well, but also just absolutely absorbed in her phone almost all of the time.  I can say any outlandish thing (like wow I just saw a purple squirrel) sometimes to get her attention and she never notices. Riley usually does. After a few he will say,  "Wait. Say whatever that was again!") He does manage to keep up some kind of conversation most of the time.  He's the only one who always asks how I am doing,  what kind of a day have I had.  Tells me he loves me EVERY time I see him. Next they will say that passenger seats in cars are Obsolete.  They are working on perfecting self driving cars.  More isolation. Oh, I turned onto this street on the way to Jeanette moving in. 

Some of this snow is sticking. 

Today I hope to finish saving the poor, mangled, Christmas tree. Jazz has a dentist appointment this afternoon.  I also hope to at least start on clearing my wreck of a room. It is just terrible. I've been crippled or sick So Much since we moved here! (Yes and I hope to build a able fort!) My room is 2 to 3 feet deep except for a small area by the door (so it can open) and I have the pet food and water in the edge of there.  A LOT of it if just trash and goodwill stuff that needs sorted and eliminated.  (A lot of words aren't allowed on YouTube now and last night I herd a site using the word "deleted" instead of "murdered"😅. 

😬Teeth!

 I got my teeth today 😁. I go the toppers about a week ago but they get,  needed adjusted. This ups my self confidence hugely.  I've hated smiling for years.  Eating has been almost impossible except for soups etc. I had them made a couple of shades lighter than my stained teeth so now I just need to bleach the few that are mine to match.  I want a steak!! But mostly I just want to smile at people.  

I'm encouraging Jeremy to get his done,  too. I know it effected him when he started losing noticeable side teeth. Is it effects or affected?? I never know where this words go.  

So. Let's smile 😃 

😃Jeremy present

 I was searching for a "thoughtful gift for Jeremy's birthday and I actually thought I'd something. His football team,  The Texans, had a big game,  a "wild card" game yesterday and i bought him ESPN so he corks watch it.  I cut it close,  I finally got it set up 10 minutes before kickoff 🙂. He really upped the gift game sending me the buck knife! I wanted to get him a reservation for the release of Ozzys last concert but I couldn't figure that out,  it might not be possible,  but this worked.  I do really hate the way we ended and I'm really glad he decided to not let that be the end.  We are still. Will always be.  I doubt I would have been able to make him leave us it hadn't turned into a Family Affair. He knows that,  too. He is happier there but still misses us here BUT he knows that he could come back if he wanted to.  He is too smart to make that mistake.  I talk to him when he is lonely,  make sure he still Feels us here for him. That's all he needed now until he finds a new life there.  Oh, and the Texans won!!! So Win Win 🙂   

Dutch Oven

 I've been trying to clean the dutch oven Riley and I found at the deadly bando,  I might give up and buy one for Jess. My whole body aches and I've only barely got the lid done. Insane.  $50 for a really nice one!! You have to be careful,  some cast iron has BAD compounds in it, a LOT of them!! Click on "WARNINGS" !

I did a little deep cleaning in the kitchen,  too. Jess needs help and I don't see any one but me helping her and I'm sporadic, not always able to do much.  I worked until I puked tonight.  I'm done.  I have to wear blinders or I keep seeing things that I want to get done.  SO MUCH NEEDS DONE HERE!! Repairs,  cleaning,  maintenance.  

Jeanette is very serious about moving in soon.  Maybe at tax time?? And she says she will use her tax return to fix the gas leak here.  I also have a disconnect for about $800 from MUD. It's all just too much!! Sometimes I think Jeremy was right - buying this house wasn't worth it!! Except I'm hoping I leave a home for Jess. A place where she can take care of whoever needs it. Her house. I just need to do a hundred things to make it good for them before I die. Please.  A little more time!!

❤️Kira is 17❣️

 It has just all gone to fast!! The youngest is blue 17!!! Kira is just a Beautiful Young Woman.   I am so over the top proud of her.  

Jeremy gift

 Jeremy sent me a beautiful tiny Buck knife.  I have bemoaned losing mine for years! This one is much slimmer,  way cooler! 

It's helped make a couple of crappy days seem a little better.  

I had a dentist appointment today.  Got my crowns and my upper partials.  Those have improved Greatly since I last got a set! I might actually be able to use these.  I really like this dentist.  I guess I should learn her name.... 

Addie

 Addie is funny,  brash, outspoken and smart. Everything that I wanted to be at her age! and was when I was 15. Then I started falling off the deep end at 16.  I don't want that for her!! I hope she is smarter than me!! I think she is. I want her to bloom, not blow up! 

Addie is absolutely adorable but,  oh no,  she also has that undertone of sadness that I had growing up.  Mine was loss of my father,  loss of family structure,  and severe abuse.  What is hers exactly? I don't want hers to be/am afraid hers could be too similar.  This is where I hope that Addie being smarter than me will save her.  Intelligence,  God, the wind,  something has to guide her to go in better directions than I did.  I survived.  Barely.  By intelligence,  God, the wind,  I dont know why I survived but I want her to do more than Survive.  I want her to overcome that sadness,  beat the hell out of it.  Figure out how to turn it into pure Joy that begets Joy. I suffered delusions of grandeur that made me believe that I could/would overcome it all, that I WAS overcoming it all. That I was secretly headed for Greatness. I didn't even realize that I was lost until I was 30, and still believed I could make the course corrections on my own until I was 40, only to have it all come crashing down.  Definitely not the life I want for Addie or anyone.  What could have changed it all? I still don't know but I wish I could do it for Addie. How can you give direction to a path you still don't even see? I pray Addie has the sanity that I didn't and don't have.  My path was insanity,  right? I should surely know that truth by now! . ? . The blind can lead the blind if they remember the number of steps to the Walls. Or is that just blind faith? Still delusion? No. Yea, maybe not me.  I won't be here long enough for it to be me.  Lindsey? I tell myself that I could have helped her avoid the quicksand if I could have at least been near her growing up.  Would fervently pray every night that she remembered those first 5 years when I was actually guiding her correctly. But that was forgotten because it wasn't enough.  Wasn't big enough to overcome her Great Sadness. I always Knew Lindsey would come back to me when she could.  And she did! even though she says she doesn't remember that first 5 years.  I believe and regret that I wasn't enough when she did return.  I had so many of them lost or being lost by then! I failed her.  Do over? Yes.  This was a moment that I definitely wish I had a Do Over for!! Could I have dropped everyone else,  if I had dropped everyone else,  could I have made a difference for her? Would I then be crying now for losing the others? Lindsey slipped through my fingers and was gone from me again until she was an adult.  But.  She is Here Now.  And MAYBE, maybe,  if I can help Lindsey now,  maybe SHE can help Addie. That's the way this goes.  ? . Good grief.

And what the hell does that expression even mean?

❤️ Lindsey, Addie & Annabella visit

 We had a nice visit, they were here a couple of hours today.  Addie is going back to Max tomorrow but she is supposed to be back for spring break when, hopefully,  it won't be freezing outside and we can actually Do Something.

I do love seeing Lindsey.  I hope we never have a break again! I should Not let the last one happen.  That was so very much on Me. I will reach out to her if we have a problem again like I should have last time.  I don't miss the other one who is gone but Lindsey is just so very precious! We are alike in that we lash out when we are hurt and I,  being Grandma,  am responsible for fixing it when one of us gets hurt and lashes out like we do.  

Jeremy

 He wrote that he listens to the Black Sabbath song differently,  had a better understanding of it because he had experienced it.  It's a really sad song.  Amc I'm not sure what he means by it bothering him now.  I thought he got what he wanted and that was all that mattered to him??