What I said

 I did try to have the talk with Robby.  I told him that there was No Way he could be in the right to fight with his mom because she really does not have to put up with it.  That he is almost 20 years old and his mom shouldn't be supporting him when all he does is play video games.  He started with the Everyone Treats Riley differently and I said Of course we do! you guys are different people and Riley is 2 years younger. I said everything that everyone has been saying about his situation and tried every way I could think of to make him hear me.  But he really didn't.  I could see him shutting me out,  I could see him working hard to keep a neutral face,  and then he said,  I don't know what to say that you would understand, and I said,  No, you know that I WOULD understand,  and then that I would tell you that you are wrong, and Part of you KNOWS that you are wrong! so you don't say it out loud.  I told him that he had to go back home and make things right with his mom.  That there is No Excuse for the way he has treated Jeanette and that he needs to learn to at least Act grateful that she still houses him.  

Robby might have an undiagnosed mental issue but it all Feels like just a terrible attitude. He acts 100% entitled and really doesn't see that that attitude is groundless. He has No Ability to Feel The Room because he is so wrapped up in his self pity and what he believed is righteous anger.  I struggling to even find words to describe his aura. He came here for refuge carrying with him the attitude that His needs should come first.  Example.  We told him that he had to keep his dog with him at all times here and when Lucky tried to go into Jess's room and Nova snapped at her Robby said that Jess needed to put up a gate to contain her dog! That is a clear little example of his thinking. He had the nerve to go through Jami's things, and not only helped himself, but judged the things she had.  Wrong words. Ok. He brought several cans of cat food upstairs that he found in her room and said,  'Look at what Jami has hidden in he room!' I said, 'What? She buys those for her cat!' He said,  'No, these were definitely hidden in her room!' I again said,  'SHE BUYS THOSE! She has No Reason to hide them - THOSE ARE HERS!' Yet he Insisted that she was doing something wrong with them and  he Would Not back down.  I just told him to stop going through her things and I had to run to the store and Jess told me that he went right back down there as soon as I left! WTF??? And he was helping himself to things.  Jess saw him carrying something upstairs and he hunched over whatever it was and turned away from her trying to sneak it past her and hid it in his things. WTF?? I don't think he even understood that he was STEALING from Jami.  Yes. Lindsey looked through Jami's things and took things that were hers, and a few things that she found out were not her things, and Lindsey brought those things back.  Lindsey clearly didn't feel entitled to Jami's belongings and she is Jami's daughter who Might rightfully feel like he mom owes her something.  Jami doesn't owe Robby a damn thing! No One does. Not even his mother. And that is a really the tough one for Robby to grasp. Yes. Jeanette,  like ALL moms,   has made mistakes.  But Robby's current situation is the result of His Own mistakes.  HE chose to stop going to school. HE chose to sit there not working in the YEARS since then.  I had thought for a while the he has to feel something, like at least feel left behind,  when the younger little girls in the family passed him up working and buying nice cars. I was prepared to try to make him feel better about that,  make him see the he could still 'catch up' if he started behaving properly with his mom so she could continue to help him while he got his shit together.  But I had that all wrong. He doesn't really feel left behind by the girls working harder for their futures.  He seems to think that the girls just had more help than he did.  I don't think at that Robby even believes that Jazz and Kira saved and bought their own cars.  He didn't Say It but I really think he believes that I secretly helped them.  Kind of like how it has seemed like Robby has just been sure that I have a lot of money the he is entitled to and not being given his Fair Share of. I bought them all computers when we got the settlements.  I had to exchange some of them including his. At the time Robby told me not to replace his,  the he really would rather have $200 for a new bed.  I sent him the money.  He still feels like I owe him a PC. It has come up several times in different ways. WTF. I say that about So Many situations wit him! W T F. I do have a deep feeling of pity for him,  mostly that he if So Lost in SELF pity that he has crippled himself.  

Again. There could  be a mental issue behind a lot of this.  Jeanette took him to Dr Jeffrey to try an antidepressant because he is definitely depressed.  But a lot of his depression springs from his strange attitude about his life. Where does That come from?? He should be in therapy but I doubt he even takes the antidepressant. Jeanette did put him in therapy a few years ago but he didn't like it,  didn't want to do it,  which makes it hard to make progress.  And I haven't met many therapists who are any good.  Who seem to really be trying to help instead of just getting a pay check.  Who seem to care.  I spent years in therapy after Steve left to buy cigarettes ant the only one who stands out was a meditation therapist. Not because she was so good but because what she was teaching was so valuable to me.  Robby needs one with some skill to rewire the way he is looking at his life in this world.  Anthem hehe needs it foot all of us.  Robby has become a dark cloud in the family.  The bad energy surrounding him is suffocating him and everyone around him.  It is a little terrifying. 

I have been working on writing this for days hoping that figuring out how to write it will give me a clue to how to help him. Maybe. 

A week w/Robby

 Oh my.  My grandson,  Robby, was here for a week during the mess here.  I really don't know exactly how to describe what that was like.  I didnt really understand what Jeanette has been going through with him.  He will be 20 years old in 2 months.  He stopped going to school ago 3 years ago and has barely worked since then.  He worked part time at Dairy Queen for a few months.  Was Let Go.  Jeanette was seeing up job interviews for him that somehow never panned out until he got a security job at Burlington last fall that he quickly was died from.  He has contributed next to nothing financially and barely helped around the house.  I know people were telling Nett to put him Out. I mentioned several times that my mother put Mike out when he stopped going to school.  Not that I had agreed with her! We had just lost our father and were all messed up,  including her. But it did many Mike learn to talky care of himself.  I want wanting Nett to put Robby out on the street like that but even if i had been she wouldn't have. Jeanette sufferes from what most mothers suffer from, Guilt, but even me than most. Yes, she made some big mistakes like being together with Jon  and then Asshole David, but most of her problems were out of her control.  Losing her eye, catching on fire. Plus it is just really hard to be a single parent,  especially with teenagers! Whatever. 

She had been telling me how Robby gets violently angry but I don't think I really understood it until now.  They got in an argument over Robby doing the dishes and she told him to get out. But it didn't look like she was going to actually put him out so I let him come here so I could maybe talk to him - truthfully I'm not totally sure of what my intentions were but I am sure that I really had no clue what I was getting into.  He is a MESS. We always knew that he has anger issues.  He was a frightening little kid even in elementary school.  Jeanette probably didn't forget that but I kind of did in the years since they lived with me.  I think I was just assuming that he had grown out of that behavior.  He mostly presents himself to me as very sweet, thoughtful even, but I would hear things from Jeanette and Riley that I wish I had taken a lot more seriously.  I mostly just observed him during the week he was here trying to figure him out and fidget out hour to talk to him,  how to help him.  

Been a while

 Everything has been happening too much too fast or at a standstill because I am sick so it has felt overwhelming to write anything.  I've been dealing with severe stomach pain any diarrhea for about 2 weeks now.  Not sure about Why and I'm a little afraid to find out. That's the Oh wow I'm old thing.  Something is likely going to take me out soon so medical crisis are frightening 🫣 . I saw Dr. Jeffrey a couple of days into it but I want worried about it yet,  a couple of days of cramping diarrhea happens fairly regularly with the IBS and bowel resection I have going on. Yesterday I saw Dr Gold who heard good beasts and thought zebras, he is afraid that I have Cdiff  and asked me to leave his clinic and go see Dr Jeffrey again. I haven't yet. Then I had a crown built too high after a root canal - OUCH - that was probably infected plus UTI symptoms so I started Amoxicilan even tho I knew it might make the gut issue worse.  I don't know if it did but it didn't get worse or better.  The tooth still hurts and peeing still hurts and I am 5 days in the antibiotics.  Through all of this we've had a war between Jami and Lindsey,  Robby came here for a week and Phillip and Jenise came for their birthday tempura and cake on the 6th. 

The Jami/Lindsey war is just sad.  I have worried every time they started hanging out together again because it has always ended badly.  If they could ever just visit without getting up each other's butts it might not be so bad. They are always both a little wrong in these things.  I don't know why again when trouble got started Jami's first reaction was "OK - I'm packing my stuff and leaving." She did that when I found out Mike Watson was staying here and said he had to go.  That was a little understandable,  she was leaving to be with him so he could kick her ass again. Ok. Not so understandable.  More understandable than this time.  True when she was yelling at Lindsey defending herself and then started yelling at me because she thought I was just defending Lindsey and then I told her Yea, take your things and go - And then she always says something like "That's what you wanted all along". Shit. She is very much a pain in the ass to house but I have done it over an over even tho it Always goes the same.  Her part of the house trashed, meth and meth people in our house, next to No contribution, etc. I HAVE been telling her all year that I needed to move Jeanette or someone in who can and does help with the bills an Jami is always going to help Next Week or tomorrow,  whatever.  

Then in all this BS Jenise and Phillip come for their birthdays and I try to make it  good visit,  I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving!, but I was too sick and worn down to do the tempura dinner we planned and it SUCKED. We tried to at least do a stir fry but I did the rice and ruined it which ruined the dinner.  *sigh*

I'm in terrible pain. Blinding cramps. And dammit what if it IS C- diff??

More blurrr

 Ok. Last week Jeanette's car broke down and i was driving her until she got her car Friday BUT then the ignition broke so I'm driving again until she can get it fixed.  

Then the last day that I drove her,  or was it after??, Robby and Jeanette got in a big fight and he ended up here i thought to cool off but that had not happened at all.  Lindsey can't here worried that her mom has things of hers because I found Jake's Mastercard in my car and Lindsey has never been in my car so Jami must have stopped it there.  Then Jeanette and Riley came over and were looking at the basement and they found Annabella's social security card on the floor by the basement bath room so Lindsey asked if she could check if her safe and some other things were in her mom's room and they and other things were.  I sent a picture of the things to Jami only saying oh No. Jami rushed home and the fight was on.  The really stupid thing was that Jami's first reaction was to say 'I'm coming home to get my stuff' ant I remembered she did the same thing when I found out that she was sneaking Mike into the house. She really spent have any where else to live and her first reaction here is to say she is leaving.  She came home very angry,  loudly defending herself so aggressively it was very frightening. At some point she yelled that I was a MF and I said 'OK get your stuff and go' but she also immediate said that she shouldn't have said that.  Way too much trauma and drama!!!

Aside from ALL of the BS going on,  Lindsey stayed the night Friday and we got to hang out a LOT together which was realtor nice 🙃. I had wanted that for a long time. 

I don't want any of the other BS.

A blur of days

 I barely know what day it is lately.  I was sick for a few weeks and then life started happening again.  And more. I've had to drive Jeanette to work and back a while,  which i don't mind at all,  it seems like it's the only time we get to talk,  but then there has been trouble with her and Robby, who is here now,  Lindsey has been coming around,  and with that Jami and she have been fighting,  and now I am spared to be preparing for Jenise and Phillip to come for their Tempura birthdays next weekend,  😍. Oh and I have a bad tooth hurting me,  should get to see my dentist tomorrow.  

First I really need to figure out how to get through to Robby. He's been here a few days and I haven't accomplished anything with him.  I was hoping he was working it out himself but then today I found out that he is trashing Jeanette and not trying to make anything better at all.  He has some really strange and bad anger issues. 

More late.   Kira is really sick,  102 temp, need to take care of her. 

Better

 A much better day.  I feel like I woke up today. I know that I have been very ill but barely remember the last week. I'm still a little shaken driving,  I picked up Riley today, and stopped at King Vape, but I had a couple of mistakes that could have been accidents.  I was kind of hungry today and enjoyed dinner, stuffed shells,  no meat,  🙂. My ears are ringing a little and my eyes feel funny but I'm pretty sure that I'm finally starting to feel better.  Maybe good enough that I could make it to see Dr Jeffrey 🤔.

I'm in the back yard and it's 3 am. I was never comfortable in the back,  and even sometimes the front!, yard at the last house.  We are still in North O but most of the time it feels safe here.  No one had been shot on our street!! This is an older neighborhood,  mostly homeowners around our house.  It's nice.  I hope this area stays nice but if it goes downhill the girls can sell it.  I doubt Jess will want to leave here so I hope someone helps her keep this place if she wants it after I'm gone.  She won't be able to handle it on her own even if she gets on disability.  I wouldn't be able to if I didn't have guardianship pay for Jazz and even with that I am really struggling to pay the bills.  It doesn't help that I seem to be chronically running behind and have to set alarms to get anything done. And then too often ignore the alarm or procrastinate until we are flying by the seat of our pants. I believe Jeanette is really going to move in here and that will save us but I feel so stressed worried about how Jess will handle it. Sometimes I feel like i can't breathe. Mostly dealing with Robby.  He can't be acting Neanderthal punching holes in walls,  yelling,  and slamming doors.  Riley loses it,  too, sometimes.  Jess and stress rhyme but do not go together well!!

Sicker

 I'm not getting this,  getting a little scared,  this is just awful. 

2 Below

...right now.  It's very true that the winters are much,  much,  warmer than they were the first 10 years or more that I lived in the "Forzen Tundra" as my friend Barbara used to say. Barbara and Pat and my mom wanted me back in Texas the most.  I'm still up here.  Freezing.  One and a half more months,  then amnesia causing spring. No. The amnesia doesn't really happen any more.  Spring is beautiful enough to make you forget how BAD winter was but I never forget any more. It was just amazing to me the first time I saw spring up here.  Winter was never harsh enough in Texas for spring to even stand out.  But first.  Surviving winter. This might be my last.  

Odd that's not at all comforting. 

Urgent Care

 I finally decided I was sick enough to need a doctor.  I don't know got many days I have spent miserable telling myself I would feel better tomorrow but today I sought professional help.  Actually, I would go  than I do but I am always afraid they won't help me although of course I don't invite that until I actually go.  I'm not even sure what is wrong. I just knew that Doxycycline world many it better so I said everything I could think of to get it. Sinus, bladder, lungs,  something is infected or maybe everything is infected. Night sweats,  vomiting,  headache and then today I was driving with the windows open,  maybe 20 degrees out? because I was sweating and that was the last straw as they say.  I just hope this works but actually I know that it will I just don't know how long I will feel better.  I go round and round with this.  There is probably an underlying cause but until I know what it is I at least know that this will make it better for a while. 

I had a 2 hour face time with Jenise and Elliot this evening.  😄❤️ Love that!!

Annabella

 I got Annabella for the first time today 🫠. She's pretty adorable! And super smart.  I only had her for a few hours and Jess helped a Lot. (All children and animals love Jess. That says a lot about who she is!( I guess I will do a couple of things to make this house more kid friendly.  I planned on doing it for Elliot, but I'm doing it now for Annabella and hopefully still for Elliot!! We have little chairs but also might need a little table.  Jess gave her cereal and she had to sit on the floor and us the little chair for a table.  It worked but I hope to do better.  Lindsey also had Toby bring me a couple of shelves from clearing out her house that hopefully will help with organizing some things here.  It's terrible that we have been here almost 2 years and still haven't finished setting up the house. A lot of what needs taken care of is my stuff and tools tht need to be taken downstairs to the tool cabinet.  Maybe I can get Riley to come help me with that?? OK. Back to Annabella. She is a lot of fun to have around but I think I forgot how much energy for into keeping up with toddlers.  I miss having the grandkids all here when they were little BUT I don't think I could keep up with all of them now.  Great Grandma. Oh my! Also,  Lindsey is having trouble with her mother in law, who they are living with for now!, and Lindsey says she makes her compete for Annabella and does things like take off to Vegas with Annabella without consulting Lindsey.  I decided to get in this stupid game.  I had a squishy Bluey waiting here for Annabella and I'm probably going to keep making it known that I'm great grandma BY Bloodline. We'll put that in her pipe to smoke.  

Nightmare

 I HATE the nightmares.  Alone in the world. Being ripped to sheds and no one cares.  No one to save me.  Alone. How everyone here,  in this house,  made me feel when Jeremy and I split. The way my children were after Steve left.  Alone.  I'm awake now.  But I don't want to the comfort of That was only a nightmare - I live it,  too. Homeless.  Alone.  So many times.  So I dreamed of buying my own home.  Filling it with people who loved me.  And I'm alone in it. I thought my life was a test I had to "pass" to get to heaven.  Jeanette says it hasn't been a test,  that it has been a punishment that ran in 22 year cycles. There was comfort in believing her.  I could stop trying to pass the impossible test. But I'm still here.  

I cry. 

❄️ a little

 Quite cold again.  February should be the end of this and then the spring dazzles me so by fall I have forgotten the misery.  

I would probably try to build another snow fort if we got enough of the right snow. I would have Jess checking on me if I did and maybe take an oxygen tank outside with me. I wonder - do those work when they freeze?? Hmm. Whatever.  Irie would nerve less work than before.  The first time I had to start over a dozen or so times trying to fight or how to do it.  The next year I struggled to remember what worked best the last year by it was a bigger fort with a fireplace🔥 in the middle. Caught myself on fire in there. A mini dozen, like a riding lawnmower with a snow scoop would neve awesome.  Dinghy think I'll be able to get one.  Jeremy gave away my riding mower... that still stings a little.  But,  yes, I would make the attempt if we got even 1 foot of snow. Annabella might like it.  Everyone else would just say yep, she's still not quite all there... and I have new neighbors to impress.  I've always also wanted to try an ice sculpture even though I sucked at the big bar of ivory soap sculptures in high school.  I don't remember what I was trying to carve but Bill Goolsby bit the top of it off on the list day.  I got an F in sculpture.  Probably saved me from an F that I couldn't blame anyone else for.  That art teacher was one of many who decided to hate me day 1c of being in their class.  Most were clearly racist but a few just had that reaction to me.  Or they wetter me cleverly racist ... Anyway,  I would love to sculpt something dramatic like a dragon. I might need Bill Goolsby... He was still alive in FB the last time I looked.  Funny,  I ferment him but that incident in at class is All I remember about him.  I know I never hung out with him,  completely different clicks whatever.  An igloo would be really cool,  that was actually what I started out trying to make the first time, that ended up just being a fort.  It might not be cold enough to build an igloo here... I've also always been interested in winter camping.  The kind where you're cute and a good sleeping bag kept you alive.  Dammit. I think the trash truck is coming

And Wow. Jess remembered to get the trash out last week. 

With Jeanette's household we will have 8 people living here 😮. I know Jess is dragging the merge maybe more than Jami.  I am the only one actually loving the idea just to see more of Jeanette.  

Jess HATES the idea of turning the living room into a room for Jeanette but I really want to do it and so does Jeanette. Our living room has barely been used in the 2 years we have been here.  The girls have had friends over playing in there a handful of times and Jazz used the big TV a few times to play her games.  Jlynn and bitchass campef out in it on weekends a few times too many the first 6 months. Jenise and Phillip called out there a couple of days after Thanksgiving.  A and it just sits there enough m empty with $2,000 of furniture and a life size TV. (OK. Not quite life size, but Close!). Things are piled around the edges and in the corners that never got unpacked or put away. It Does Not get used.  The dining room,  either. Even if we have Thanksgiving or something here,  Jess and Jazz don't join us even though Jess is the one who wants to have these sit down dinners. I thought it was just us messing up family traditions but recently I read that it is just the way things are for Most People these days.  Family rooms are becoming obsolete except for Gaming Rooms. And Mancaves are a thing for some,  too. Jeremy ended up with one at the last house.  Obsolete.  Electronics have a lot to do with it.  When we used to gather as a family at restaurants,  the last few years half (or more) of us would be on our phones. Jess and sometimes Riley are the only ones who actually talk to me when I'm driving us places.  Jami is the worst.  She is deaf in one ear, can't hear well, but also just absolutely absorbed in her phone almost all of the time.  I can say any outlandish thing (like wow I just saw a purple squirrel) sometimes to get her attention and she never notices. Riley usually does. After a few he will say,  "Wait. Say whatever that was again!") He does manage to keep up some kind of conversation most of the time.  He's the only one who always asks how I am doing,  what kind of a day have I had.  Tells me he loves me EVERY time I see him. Next they will say that passenger seats in cars are Obsolete.  They are working on perfecting self driving cars.  More isolation. Oh, I turned onto this street on the way to Jeanette moving in. 

Some of this snow is sticking. 

Today I hope to finish saving the poor, mangled, Christmas tree. Jazz has a dentist appointment this afternoon.  I also hope to at least start on clearing my wreck of a room. It is just terrible. I've been crippled or sick So Much since we moved here! (Yes and I hope to build a able fort!) My room is 2 to 3 feet deep except for a small area by the door (so it can open) and I have the pet food and water in the edge of there.  A LOT of it if just trash and goodwill stuff that needs sorted and eliminated.  (A lot of words aren't allowed on YouTube now and last night I herd a site using the word "deleted" instead of "murdered"😅. 

😬Teeth!

 I got my teeth today 😁. I go the toppers about a week ago but they get,  needed adjusted. This ups my self confidence hugely.  I've hated smiling for years.  Eating has been almost impossible except for soups etc. I had them made a couple of shades lighter than my stained teeth so now I just need to bleach the few that are mine to match.  I want a steak!! But mostly I just want to smile at people.  

I'm encouraging Jeremy to get his done,  too. I know it effected him when he started losing noticeable side teeth. Is it effects or affected?? I never know where this words go.  

So. Let's smile 😃 

😃Jeremy present

 I was searching for a "thoughtful gift for Jeremy's birthday and I actually thought I'd something. His football team,  The Texans, had a big game,  a "wild card" game yesterday and i bought him ESPN so he corks watch it.  I cut it close,  I finally got it set up 10 minutes before kickoff 🙂. He really upped the gift game sending me the buck knife! I wanted to get him a reservation for the release of Ozzys last concert but I couldn't figure that out,  it might not be possible,  but this worked.  I do really hate the way we ended and I'm really glad he decided to not let that be the end.  We are still. Will always be.  I doubt I would have been able to make him leave us it hadn't turned into a Family Affair. He knows that,  too. He is happier there but still misses us here BUT he knows that he could come back if he wanted to.  He is too smart to make that mistake.  I talk to him when he is lonely,  make sure he still Feels us here for him. That's all he needed now until he finds a new life there.  Oh, and the Texans won!!! So Win Win 🙂   

Dutch Oven

 I've been trying to clean the dutch oven Riley and I found at the deadly bando,  I might give up and buy one for Jess. My whole body aches and I've only barely got the lid done. Insane.  $50 for a really nice one!! You have to be careful,  some cast iron has BAD compounds in it, a LOT of them!! Click on "WARNINGS" !

I did a little deep cleaning in the kitchen,  too. Jess needs help and I don't see any one but me helping her and I'm sporadic, not always able to do much.  I worked until I puked tonight.  I'm done.  I have to wear blinders or I keep seeing things that I want to get done.  SO MUCH NEEDS DONE HERE!! Repairs,  cleaning,  maintenance.  

Jeanette is very serious about moving in soon.  Maybe at tax time?? And she says she will use her tax return to fix the gas leak here.  I also have a disconnect for about $800 from MUD. It's all just too much!! Sometimes I think Jeremy was right - buying this house wasn't worth it!! Except I'm hoping I leave a home for Jess. A place where she can take care of whoever needs it. Her house. I just need to do a hundred things to make it good for them before I die. Please.  A little more time!!

❤️Kira is 17❣️

 It has just all gone to fast!! The youngest is blue 17!!! Kira is just a Beautiful Young Woman.   I am so over the top proud of her.  

Jeremy gift

 Jeremy sent me a beautiful tiny Buck knife.  I have bemoaned losing mine for years! This one is much slimmer,  way cooler! 

It's helped make a couple of crappy days seem a little better.  

I had a dentist appointment today.  Got my crowns and my upper partials.  Those have improved Greatly since I last got a set! I might actually be able to use these.  I really like this dentist.  I guess I should learn her name.... 

Addie

 Addie is funny,  brash, outspoken and smart. Everything that I wanted to be at her age! and was when I was 15. Then I started falling off the deep end at 16.  I don't want that for her!! I hope she is smarter than me!! I think she is. I want her to bloom, not blow up! 

Addie is absolutely adorable but,  oh no,  she also has that undertone of sadness that I had growing up.  Mine was loss of my father,  loss of family structure,  and severe abuse.  What is hers exactly? I don't want hers to be/am afraid hers could be too similar.  This is where I hope that Addie being smarter than me will save her.  Intelligence,  God, the wind,  something has to guide her to go in better directions than I did.  I survived.  Barely.  By intelligence,  God, the wind,  I dont know why I survived but I want her to do more than Survive.  I want her to overcome that sadness,  beat the hell out of it.  Figure out how to turn it into pure Joy that begets Joy. I suffered delusions of grandeur that made me believe that I could/would overcome it all, that I WAS overcoming it all. That I was secretly headed for Greatness. I didn't even realize that I was lost until I was 30, and still believed I could make the course corrections on my own until I was 40, only to have it all come crashing down.  Definitely not the life I want for Addie or anyone.  What could have changed it all? I still don't know but I wish I could do it for Addie. How can you give direction to a path you still don't even see? I pray Addie has the sanity that I didn't and don't have.  My path was insanity,  right? I should surely know that truth by now! . ? . The blind can lead the blind if they remember the number of steps to the Walls. Or is that just blind faith? Still delusion? No. Yea, maybe not me.  I won't be here long enough for it to be me.  Lindsey? I tell myself that I could have helped her avoid the quicksand if I could have at least been near her growing up.  Would fervently pray every night that she remembered those first 5 years when I was actually guiding her correctly. But that was forgotten because it wasn't enough.  Wasn't big enough to overcome her Great Sadness. I always Knew Lindsey would come back to me when she could.  And she did! even though she says she doesn't remember that first 5 years.  I believe and regret that I wasn't enough when she did return.  I had so many of them lost or being lost by then! I failed her.  Do over? Yes.  This was a moment that I definitely wish I had a Do Over for!! Could I have dropped everyone else,  if I had dropped everyone else,  could I have made a difference for her? Would I then be crying now for losing the others? Lindsey slipped through my fingers and was gone from me again until she was an adult.  But.  She is Here Now.  And MAYBE, maybe,  if I can help Lindsey now,  maybe SHE can help Addie. That's the way this goes.  ? . Good grief.

And what the hell does that expression even mean?

❤️ Lindsey, Addie & Annabella visit

 We had a nice visit, they were here a couple of hours today.  Addie is going back to Max tomorrow but she is supposed to be back for spring break when, hopefully,  it won't be freezing outside and we can actually Do Something.

I do love seeing Lindsey.  I hope we never have a break again! I should Not let the last one happen.  That was so very much on Me. I will reach out to her if we have a problem again like I should have last time.  I don't miss the other one who is gone but Lindsey is just so very precious! We are alike in that we lash out when we are hurt and I,  being Grandma,  am responsible for fixing it when one of us gets hurt and lashes out like we do.  

Jeremy

 He wrote that he listens to the Black Sabbath song differently,  had a better understanding of it because he had experienced it.  It's a really sad song.  Amc I'm not sure what he means by it bothering him now.  I thought he got what he wanted and that was all that mattered to him??