Beginning the End

 Dying. Jess called an ambulance Saturday because I couldn't breathe. They got me breathing and let Jeanette take me to a hospital.  We went to Immanuel Urgent Care and they sent us to Bergan. I came home Monday on 2% oxygen.  I knew that if I got the virus the kids had that it might kill me.  It almost did.  It definitely changed my life.  I can function a little in the afternoon/ evening but mornings are pretty rough.  And that "function" is limited.  Very short amounts of time.  Most of the time my garden might as well be 50 miles away.  I've drove a few times, sorry trips with an oxygen tank on board. 

I still have to go pick up Lokis ashes.

Memory

 So. Memory is hugely flawed. Our brain rewrites memories for a large variety of reasons sometimes within a matter of seconds. Eyewitness testimony is now of very little value after centuries of convictions based on eye witness memory. Oops. I remember scenes from growing up in Santa Maria like it was yesterday,  which I can't remember at all. Lies. Our memories are lies we tell ourselves while firmly believing they are the truth,  the whole truth,  and nothing but the truth. Some of us keep journals to keep track of our lives only to find they can't be accurate. 

Hmmmm.

Loki died today

 .

Loki 😓❤️❤️❤️

 I think my Loki might be dying.  She hides under my bed all of this last week and barely eats. She seems weak, like Obi was. We really believed that Loki beat the leukemia, she's lived almost 3 years longer than Obi did after they were diagnosed the same day. She doesn't enjoy being touched,  HATES being held or carried.  She never really liked those things but she didn't hate them.  I got some of that diagnosing kitty litter and put her in the big kennel with her own box. According to it she doesnt have a UTI. It doesnt sound respiratory. She eats the yum yum Jeremy sent (that i forgot I had😕) and some canned food. She has peed twice, once yesterday and once today, that i know about. No poo. Jess says maybe she is constipated.  ??

Today when I found her under my bed she didn't move when I touched her and I thought she was dead. I started screaming and crying and Jess and Kira came. I couldn't stand it, I ran out of the room and was howling in the hall way until Kira said Loki was moving and looking at her!! 

She is back in the big kennel. She doesnt like it much but I can monitor her so much better like this! 

I'm terrified.  

I hate my room!!

 Why can't I do anything about it?? I keep planning to, I even start to many, many times. WHY CAN'T I JUST DO IT. I can dig a 10 X 4 garden in a day. I can weed and care for my gardens All Day. But I can't clean my own room.  And, Yes, I WANT it clean. LOVE the way a clean room feels.  A clean bed. Dang.  I love the way a clean Me feels. Ok. That one I understand a little. Bathing is pretty hugely exhausting.  The whole OCD have-to-do-it-in-the-right-order, the-Right-Way thing goes into play.  WAIT.  Maybe That IS the problem.  The big OCD thing.  It doesn't effect gardening/yard work so much because I don't really have a Set Way to do those things.  I'm usually following instructions I find online or just figuring it out as I go.  Can that really be a big part of this???? I try to take a "quick" shower but always get at least a little caught up in Having To Do at least some of it the Right Way. A quick shower is usually doing the same things but much faster,  more exhausting to do!! I can get away with not shaving but that is all I can give up.  I HAVE to wash my face twice.  HAVE to exfoliate.  HAVE TO ...

Can I just try to Willy Nilly clean my room?? I really get caught up in feeling like every little thing has to be Organized. I find a spool of thread, remember where other sewing things are,  realize I have 3 (or 5) disorganized sewing boxes, and start organizing and consolidating sewing stuff. Oh and then there is the memory/total scatter brain thing.  I see something I need to sew. Stop to sew it (real quick) and put something in the TV while I sew. Then I go on to sew something else real quick. The lighting is terrible so I dig out my lamp but it isn't working so I start to fix it. Then I go to the bath room or to get a drink and realize I forgot to feed and take care of my pets. I take Gabby out back and see Japanese Beatles attacking my garden. !!!! I forget everything and start to battle them.  Then it's dinner time. Dark. I'm wore out. I'll work on my room tomorrow...........  

Rinse andRepeat.

One BIG issue over

 I think the floor drain issue is fixed for now.  Justin put in a sump pump. We aren't real sure how it works but the drains work again and one reason the basement floods is fixed. We will still have to deal with a couple of leaks in the foundation but the floor drain collapsing was definitely the worst part of the flooding issues. Jeanette's 'work arounds' until Justin came up with this idea were absolutely brilliant.  She reminds me so much of me back in the farm days! I used to be able to think like that and figured out every home and car issue without even having Internet! which sounds just unbelievable now. 

We still need to fix the gas leak, I think that Has To Be next! before we blow up - without homeowners insurance,  which I also have to fix ASAP. 

I do so very much love having Jeanette here!! I usually listen for her to get home from work and then I can rest easy. EXCEPT on the  nights when Kira is late getting home. Aarrgh!! Stress. Jeanette also makes me feel personally safe. I always Know that she is/will be 100% behind me in everything with everyone. She and Jenise give me that security and it seems very important in my old age!! Being old doesn't just feel vulnerable physically. I find that I am much slower mentally. Still ahead of the game most of the time but a lot less able to even see that I need help. The boys are pretty supportive, too, and remarkably sensitive in their care of me. Jeanette gets credit for that! They do their best o not let me just feel old, ugly, and useless. Those three things can be dehabilatating.  Not a real word! but new words work best sometimes. 

Something bothered me a few days ago that made me wish Jeanette was around. Jess and I were walking the dogs in Miller Park and I didn't hear or notice that a woman was coming up behind us on the sidewalk. When she was less than a foot behind us she barked out "Excuse me!" right in my ear which startled me and i screamed. I stepped right out of her way and when I looked at Jess she was looking at me like she was horrified and embarrassed by my reaction. 

I still don't understand At All. I think the woman was Rude to 

A - get that close and yell

B- not just step around (it is a wide sidewalk)

But mostly I believe Jeanette or anyone else would have objected to me being treated like that. Yes, of course I consider Jess's problem with it could have been the fact that I scream when startled. OK.  I still do not understand it at all enough that it has been nearly a week and I still am mulling over it, looking for what I did wrong. ??. Trying to understand.  Yes,I did learn that Brandon and Jessalynn can say/do whatever they want to me but I hate thinking that isn't just because... bla bla bla. And there still, with "But that's my daughter!" And not "But that's my mother!" only flies with Jess and them. 

It all goes back to that,  doesn't it. If I ever mention something like this I get, "Well, she Did try to have you thrown out of your home!" but, you see, that is still unfathomable itself. WTF as the kids say. 

Overload

 Overwhelmed. Overboard. Short circutted.  Too much. Not enough. 

Baby steps. One day at a time.  

Three steps forward, 2 steps back. 

So. Much. To. Do. Not. Done.

How do I accomplish so little each day? So little of what should be done.  I'm busy busy busy.  

My room is a disaster.  The house is a disaster. I work in the yard more than I do anything and It. Is. A. Mess. 

Laundromat worth Jess today.

But I need to clear the living room for Jenise and Philip's visit today. Needed to do that TWO YEARS AGO. 

I have to figure out how to help Lindsey if I can. 

The floor drain is clogged. A gas pipe leaks. My car doesn't run. 

These are not new problems. 

Lindsey in jail

 2 days ago,  the day I got my car back!, Lindsey called me while she was arguing with Jake and told me to please get there ASAP. So I'm driving,  listening to them fight, trying to follow GPS and trying to tell Lindsey to CALM THE HELL DOWN. I heard Jake say Lindsey had thrown a cup of coffee at him and that he was calling 911 and when I got there the house was surrounded by police. They were talking to Lindsey in the driveway so I parked a little up the road and started walking to where she was but a cop stepped forward and asked me to get back in my car while they were figuring things out. As soon a I got in the car they were handcuffing her. I got out of the car but stayed by it and an officer came over and told me that Lindsey was being arrested for assault and child abuse because some of the coffee has got on Annabella.  She yelled "I love you! Please bond me out in the morning!" and I yelled back,  "I love you and I will!" but morning came with her bond at $5,000 cash! This morning they lowered it to $750 cash but I don't even have that.  And it seems there isn't anyone with $750 to bond her out.  Lindsey can't understand any of this.  She really didn't think Jake would put her in jail and she certainly didn't believe that he wouldn't take her back after but that seems to be the way this is going.  Jake brought her car here and he's getting all of her things together and dropping them off, too. He filed a 72 hour eviction notice and the court put on a protection order or he would have probably done that,  too. I'm pretty sure that he is seriously Done. He HAS been a Mikey but he's not taking nearly as long to be done.  He really hasn't thought that Lindsey might be doing drugs but at least he never said that I was an "evil bitch" for asking about that 2 years ago, or whenever it was that Lindsey went to jail for Jami's meth. ? Not a total Mikey.

I hate, can't take it, when Lindsey calls from jail just crying so much that I can barely understand her. She says that she isn't eating or sleeping, that she can't,  in there. She might have to.  Her court isn't until September 3rd. I can't imagine her being in there that long! but I don't think I or anyone can get her out for at least a couple of weeks. 

I want to have Lindsey in person, alone, and calm to discuss this. Her future without Jake and possibly with him having Annabella.  I don't think that Lindsey has been a full time mother with Annabella very much. It seemed that,  like Mikey, Jake did most of the child care even with Addie when she would come up here.  Lindsey would act upset that Jake's mother did so much with Annabella but how did that come about? A lot of the time it felt like Lindsey wanted to be like the Visiting Parent. Take the child to the zoo or to visit family and friends but not every day. Jake having custody and Lindsey having visitation or even them having joint custody really seems more like what Lindsey really wants.  Is that true??? She says terrible things like that she isn't worthy of being treated nice or even of being alive. (Maybe that kind of statement is why she is in 'suicide watch' in jail?) And I'll say,  "Stop that! Why are you even saying things like that?" 

I have to finish this later when I'm more awake and have thought the whole thing through better. 

Car fixed!!

 Jordan fixed my car yesterday!! but I got Jeanette up late for work and she couldn't take me to push up the car. Kira says that she can take me in an hour and I've asked Jazz, too. I should have my car soon! I don't even know how long it has been?? Months. I won't know how to act for a while! There are So Many things that I need to do now that I will have a car.  

And it's a rough day. Strange. My hearing keeps cutting out like I'm about to faint. It's hot outside but not even 90 degrees - I should be able to tolerate it but I can't today.  I planted some gourd seeds. Pulled a few weeds. Killed a few dozen Japanese Beatles.  

I'm going to last down until I can go get the car. 

The 4th not so much

 The 4th of July stopped being a fun holiday when Jeremy turned into Monster Man those last years.  I barely recognize it as a holiday any more.  I remember crying when Jazz and Kira were babies because it was all so beautiful And I was overwhelmed that we were all together.  Then we started going to the Ralston fire works with the whole family and I would cry watching the fireworks thanking God that we were all alive and together still.  Once watching the fireworks at Memorial Park I cried that it all felt like a lie. I was starting to understand our government,  the Dirty Deeds, the lies. Justice for All. One nation under God. It was gone and I cried afraid of the world the kids might end up in. Then Jeremy became intolerable,  always angry and bitter. Kirk still made the 4th fun. He loved being part of the Ralston family gathering.  Then he died. The 4th of July never recovered.  

The Money Pit

 Yep. The whole house is just falling apart.  My Fault.  A LOT more my fault than Jeremy.  I made this mess just hoping we would get lucky.  We. Did. Not. Well,  maybe he did,  he's out of this.  Jeanette took his place and she is paying for it every day.  😒 I do feel terribly that she is in this with me but i would be So Much more lost without her!!

Oh and Hey - Jazz actually Spoke to me yesterday!!! She asked where the van that I totaled a month ago went.  

Jess says she doesn't "hate" me.  I say songbook Nice to Jazz every time I see her.  I don't even get acknowledged as there and alive.  Jeanette thinks it's about Jessalynn and Jeremy.  Well, no matter what Jess says, it Feels hateful and just Rude. Mean. Which is really tough because I love her to death! 

A Kingly request

 King texted asking if I could go out for an hour yesterday but I didn't see the message until several hours later.  I told him that I had been, and was, just dozing all day, recovering from having the house full all weekend.  And it is a house full when Jenise visits because,  of course!, everyone wants to come see our Elliot❣️. 

Oh and Elliott Kiser Dodson has grown So Much and is CRAWLING!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Back to the King.  I know I probably should say a Yes to something soon. Im thinking about saying a Yes to the very first proposition,  going for a walk.  I do think of him quite often but I don't really know if it if because I am attracted to him or if it is just that I am still stunned that he is asking!! I certainly haven't expected anyone to notice me for Years.  I haven't been "looking"  since Jeremy left and certainly not before he left.  I thought I was paying a compliment to a much younger man the first time I spoke to King. Funny thing, he says that his mother called his father King like maybe it might mean something that I call him King. I just think the name fits. He's rather regal, walks head up with pride always carrying a big stick like a staff. 🤣😂🤣

And Me?? I am always grubby from working in the garden, and  I bathe with the garden hose several times a day and brush the dirt out of my hair. Not much of a Beauty Program going on here!! Does be not notice or not care?? Or is that why he suggested a day at a Spa? 😅 Or, maybe it doesn't matter because he's a serial killer.... 

Oh Me Oh My!!!

A Funny Funny

 Last year there were a lot of YouTube videos saying that we didn't need to fill raised beds with soil, that we could put logs in the bottom and that they would turn into soil.  So I happily did this.  Then I see a video addressed to the idiots who did that last year and it said that it would take YEARS for the logs to turn into soil!!! And that that wood decomposing was BAD for my garden! Today I dug up a raised bed and,  sure nuff,  the logs and sticks looked exactly the same still!! Jeanette looked outside and saw me digging, saw that I had a little fire going in my fire pit, and was dismayed that I appeared to be digging for fire wood when there were trees all around me! and she said that she was afraid that she would be just as whacky in 20 years!! OH!! That made my day! 😅🤣😂🤣

The last big package

 OMG Jeanette got me a mini washing machine so I can do my laundry without climbing the basement stairs!!!! I haven't had a washer and dryer on the same floor as me since the Yellow House!!! I wear clothes for DAYS and hand wash my under things to get by.  I HATE asking anyone else to do my laundry.  At the last house Jeremy would tell me to bag up my laundry and that he would wash it so it so I would bag it and he'd never come get it.  I've been more able to climb the stairs since Dr Gold put the Sarapin in my knee but that is going bad again now.  This is wonderful!!! 🤔😃😃😃❤️❤️❤️❣️

Another Birthday!?

 Yep. I'm still here! 😅🤣😂🤣

I've already had the Best Gifts! and I invite there at more still. Jenise and Phillip have me a cute little glass table with 2 chairs for until I fix the porch swing out back (if I ever actually get that done!) and it will replace the old ones on the front porch after I did the swing,  wish will make Jess and Kira happy 😊.  I slept late (because it's my birthday...) and Jess came in with a big bag.  EVERYTHING in the bag was something I had mentioned wanting/needing recently. I told her that I was going to have to try to find a better kind of hair brush because they always fall apart and she gave me an amazing brush.  Same thing with tweezers. And I have lamented not having another cup like Kira got for me last year because i couldn't let it dry out completely after washing it.  I needed another one to change them out and she gave me a big Stanley cup!! Ok, I didn't really mention the next ones but they are definitely things I was very happy to get!! She gave me a coffee grinder and coffee beans!! Then the unbelievable present - I have been looking for an old printing of Louis Mae Alcott's book Little Men for years and there it was,  over a hundred years old!!!! 🥰😍😘❤️❤️❤️❤️

There is a Big box in the living room with 2 huge bows on it that came from Jeanette's Amazon account.  The writing on the boys many it now confusing instead of helping me figure out what's inside!!! I can't wait until Nett gets up!!!

A Gentleman Caller

 Such an old term but it just kind of fits. He's a very nice man,  Edmund King, but I just call him King.  I spoke to him as he was passing once,  he goes for a walk by our house every day and I spoke to him one day as he was going by, I think I asked him why he walks so much?, and he replied something like "I have to if I want to look good". I told him that it was working fine and then he next said that he was 65 years old! That just floored me because I was thinking he was maybe 40. And he liked that!! He said he'd be by to talk again and now we speak quite often. Today he acted surprised that I am actually 2 years older than him, and how in the world could he really believe that! but it was nice of him to say it. He owed me one 😏. He asks to go out, out to eat,  to a day spa, anywhere and today I agreed to going for coffee. He said he'd like to go today but I really don't want to do that.  I'd like to "clean up" to go out and I am just exhausted today. I knew rain was coming so I worked on getting as much of the garden in as I could until 2 hours after dark last night. When the rain hadn't got here yet I worked some more until the first rain drops became actual Rain. I just want a nap right now!! because I AM almost 67 years old 😅.

Sucky day so far

 I'm hating this day. It didn't start great started with finding out that Riley's going to summer school and needed a ride home. And well at least in that did leave out the keys to the van she drives which I was worried a lot about but anyways so I go and get him and he wanted me to pick him up at the god the store near there. And I did and I pulled up and I went in and paid for gas and when I came back out Riley and the scooter or in the van. And I didn't think anything of that I just drove us home. Shortly after I get home I get a call from a sheriff's office asking if I was just at the store by the school. Now say I was and I asked if I had a Riley with me I don't remember if they called in my name but I said yes I did and if I'd seen a scooter I said yes I did. And then they tell me that someone stole a scooter or that Riley was seeing loading a scooter into the van I was in and could I bring the scooter and Riley to the Sheriff's department. Which I mean was its own problem cuz by the engine that's gone with the good van and I've got the crap man that does 30 miles an hour. They said they got the number from Jeanette so I called Jeanette to find out how all this happened. And I'm thinking they found Jeanette because I was in that's van but then I realized the van that's driving is still that guy she works with so there's no way they found her from her plates but I guess they might have called the guy who's still owns a van anyways. Anyways. So I asked riley. Riley says no he absolutely did not take anyone scooter but his own. And I don't believe him. And I'm asking him why are the police saying they saw you loading someone else's scooter into the van and he's telling me no they saw me with my scooter. And I said well then check serial numbers on that cuz whoever is missing a scooter probably a Serial numbers. And he says yeah they can check and I don't know what to think. And it's like I'm I'm being free to kind of like I'm a little senile? You know the thing I hate! But anyways I tell Jeanette I'm worried about driving all the way out to the Sheriff's Department and she says she will try to get in touch with them and tell them to come here to talk to Riley and I tell Riley they're coming. And I tell him that if that bike's not scooters not his he needs to say something because there's a chance that people won't press charges but that chance will be gone if he tries to lie. He and sis he's not lying. I don't believe him. And then I tell him I don't remember a lot of back and forth but remember I'm looking at the the doorbell cam and wondering what it shows about him coming home and I look at how it's attached and I asked Riley you know how's that thing out there does it come down or something like that and he takes it down and so something's wrong. Something's real wrong. And and I told Jeanette I was just going to let things unfold or they did when the police came and talked to him and she said she was doing the same thing. But anyways they came and he tells his story okay that was Robbie. I don't want to do this right now. I had a headache I feel sick this is stupid.

Like AIDS?

 I looked at the results of the bloodwork that I had done last Wednesday.  Only one concern so far - I seem to not have white blood cells floating around inside to protect me.  Hmm ???? And of course it was Friday and the doctors office is closed until Monday. I only have Dr. Google to talk to but,  as I've seen a few times,  the doctors themselves Google what they find out during an exam,  especially in Urgent Care. Then they tell us Not to consult DR GOOGLE. I suppose if the needed treatment doesn't require a written prescription we don't need to pay a Doctor and they lose money. Hmmm. Makes you think... I can't perform surgery but I can figure out if I need it. Also, when a "second oponion" is advised, again,  I can get that and more online.  Again. Dr Google loses money for the medical profession.  I did watch a special about the things AI will make obsolete in 10 years and Doctors was in the top 10. Except for some specialists. Robots are already performing surgery successfully. I imagine the cost to have a robot remove your appendix will be high enough that the medical profession will still profit on some high level. 

Ok. That turned into a huge Rant. I do know that some medical procedures are already just a scam. I KNOW that I need antibiotics if I get strep throat.  I even know what Kind I need. But I HAVE TO pay a Doctor to write the prescription.  Very seldom, and only if I know the doctor very well, can I get a prescription called in without seeing, paying, the doctor. WHAT A RACKET. "And the sorcerers shall RULE THE EARTH"!! With the Greek/Latin translation of sorcerer being Pharmakia that verse makes a lot of sense!!!

Back to it. Where in the hell did all of my white blood cells go?? How do I get them back?? Jess sent me a list of issues related to this diagnosis and I have most of those issues already. Dizziness, confusion, sores in the mouth, injuries taking weeks to heal. 

I might have to consult Dr Big Brother Mike, too for this one.

OMG

 It has been a terrible couple of days! Yesterday ended with me being in an accident,  on private property! and the man trying to say it's my fault when it is His. The Toyota van driver's side door is crumpled and the window won't roll up. And that was ending a really rough day.  Then I couldn't sleep last night.  Stressed out and I kept coughing all night. Couldn't get comfortable.  So today I have done Nothing.  Didn't even take the doggies to the park.  I filed the accident report online but I still have to talk to the insurance companies.  

Im hating this and ALL the vehicle issues we have!! I paid $200  to fix Kira's brakes. I Still Haven't got my car fixed.  4 cars that are currently junk. 

*sigh*

 I really was sure that we were going to get hit by a tornado last night because I don't have house insurance right not and we had a tornado warning in Omaha.  But here we are,  still in Kansas,  and I need to figure out getting homeowners insurance!!

So Much is going wrong with this house!! I worry that Jeanette is regretting moving in because the house failures effect her the most.  The basement is flooding in new places besides the leak we knew about by her room.  The floor drain doesn't work so she has the washer rigged to go down the bathroom drain down there but several times it has accidently drained on the floor.  I think the boys have been kicking the drain hose loose. Yesterday Jeanette figured out draining the kitchen sink and dishwasher to go out a hose to the back yard which is temporarily wonderful! I might have inadvertently caused the new basement leak by the boys rooms. It is the wall below where I started the asparagus garden.  I pulled all of the weeds there and transplanted the asparagus and strawberries there and maybe the weeds were groundcover that made the rain run away from the house.  ?? And maybe not cleaning the gutters contributed? Another thing I need to get done!? I was watering the asparagus when we first noticed the leak.  I won't do that again but the asparagus will all die if I move it now so I plan to leave it and just not water it until fall unless I get someone who will dig down there and fix the leak in the wall.  I don't know.  So Much needs done!! Also,  when I was digging that garden I noticed a lot of empty space like moles had been digging there. The might be part of the problem.  Then there is still the deadly gas leak,  a thousand dollar join that HAS to be done.  Two cars not running at all, 2 that barely run,  Oh My it's all just too much!! Having Jeanette here helping me pay for everything is my only hope of saving this house but So Much trouble and stress for her!! Then there is Jess, who I always live in fear of over stressing,  now cleaning up after now people with a messed up kitchen sink.  Oh and the laundry issue.  Jess and the girls but Feel like they are invading Jeanette and the boys space whenever they have to go down and do laundry even though they all have bedrooms and we just need to go down the hallway to her to the washer and then too the laundry room to use the dryer.  I understand their discomfort but they will just have to her used to it until the floor drain is fixed which will be Thousands of dollars to do and will likely involve tearing up their newly built rooms down there. 

Dealing with all of that I am also still trying to put in a vegetable garden this year.  Besides the problems with the asparagus garden I also have to move where I gardened last year away from the neighbor being hateful. I'm going to leave a couple of feet next to the fence, probably just plant marigolds there,  because she uses poisons in her yard and I doubt she cares about if she is poisoning us. 

I'm considerably weaker this summer.  I have a lot more breathing trouble and have lost a lot of muscle mass in the last year.  I'm working on that.  I have the daily little walk with Jess and our dogs and now I have a neighbor man offering to let me join him for post off his walks. His name is Edmund and he walks 2 miles a day but has figured in a way to walk 1 mile off it with me starting tomorrow.  That should help greatly! And Dr. Gold is doing treatments to help with my knee, hip, and back pain that is helping my mobility issues.  The breathing, yes, I mostly need to quit smoking but just can't see dealing with that stress right now and, yes, I know that is an addiction excuse. I say At least it's not anything like a Meth addiction,  not illegal yet, and I also say stupid things in my head like,  Why am I trying to extend my life?! I know there is a glorious afterlife where a LOT of the people I love are waiting for me.  I know there are people who might feel better off when I am gone. Jessalynn will be around more and likely happy that I'm not a problem.  Brandon will be relieved that the people whose lives I control are free. Joey will celebrate. Having Jessalynn will make Jess happy and I have no clue if Jess even loves me. She Believes so many terrible things about me that aren't even true,  just like Jami, from their addiction brains. Jess doesn't do meth any more but still hangs onto a lot of the thinking that she had on meth. She chooses Jeremy over me,  that still stuns me!! I love Jeremy, too, but I remember Years of his supporters deeply Hating him and trying to make my life miserable because I let him stay. Back to it.  There are definitely people who will truly miss me when I am gone.  Jeremy is one of them.  Jeanette will clearly mourn me, and Jami and Jess will in ways they don't even realize now.  Kira, too. Maybe Jazz?? She is always a mystery. Lindsey will go into a tailspin, I really hope someone helps her deal with it! Jenise, Riley and Robby will feel gut punched. My brother will feel like what he will become,  the last man standing. What I will be if he goes first!! Wow. All of that for the stop smoking thing! 

It's past time for the walk with Jess. She is impatiently waiting.