Weekend

I've had a terrible time since going to the dentist. I have been vomiting ever since an hour after getting the tooth pulled and I know it is from the infection in the roots but I haven't been able to hold anything down to take the antibiotics with. I did just eat a little cheerios and take one but I don't know... I'll have to go to the ER and get a shot if I don't get this under control.
I have Jenise and Robby and Trace and have to figure out how I am going to pick up Jeremy and then get all of us to Jessalynn's party later. I have no clue right now what I am going to do.
Jami and Kirk had a good visit with Kira. I'm pretty sure Kirk is going to have to turn himself in Monday.
Nothing else.

Kira 1 Year Check up

Kira had her 1 year check up today and got six shots and had her blood drawn to test for lead. They say there is a problem with lead in the Omaha area. Her iron count was a little bit low, too. The doctor prescribed vitamin drops, said she was too young for the better tasting gummy ones, and she is to eat more red meat with her three teeth.
Jess and I had our shrink appointments today at the same time. I sometimes wonder if Dr. Jahari is really helping Jess but she seems to believe in him so hopefully that will do the trick... Well, unless he is really bad, then he could really screw her up. I just feel like sometimes he convinces her that she is more mental than she really is but it could be that I don't really know how mental she is. She is a hard one to figure!!!
We rushed home to get Jeremy to work on time and stopped at the dollar store to get a few things for Jessalynn's surprise birthday party Sunday and then we stopped at Burger King for a snack. The tooth I had a band on really hurt when I tried to eat a burger and I decided it was time to do something about it. We went and picked up the girls from school and I took Jess and her kids home and Kira and I headed for Emergi Dental. Dr. Scott Green, who I had seem years ago and then been unable to find again, ws working there again. He talked to me about the things that could be done to maybe repair the tooth again and I told him to just pull it. I had begged Jess to watch Kira for me but she wasn't up to it so I had her with me in her carseat and I just wanted to get it done fast and over with. The whole problem with the tooth started with Medicaid refusing to pay for a crown so the root canal went bad. It maybe couldn't have been saved no matter what and I haven't been able to chew on that side for months.
We left the dentist and went to K Mart to shop for Jessalynn's birthday, she asked for clothes, and Kira w3s really sick of being in the carseat and starting to cry so we came home. I have to go get my prescription for antibiotics after Jeremy gets off work.
I'm in quite a bit of pain right now. The good thing about a bad toothache is that I don't feel the back pain...
Yesterday Ashleigh made a big deal about having a check to get some bus passes for Jami and Kirk to visit Kira and then today she gave them each a book of just ten tickets!!! Jami called and told me, frustrated and crying. I told her I had expected something like that and that I would buy her a bus pass when I get my check next week. Kirk is going to jail Monday to serve his 90 days for not paying restitution on that wreck last year.

Another Nutty Day

I thought I got a good start this morning getting up in time to get the girls to school. I dropped Jessalynn off before I picked up Jenise because Jessalynn hadn't eaten breakfast and when I was dropping off Jenise my phone alarm went off reminding me that I had a 9:30 appointment with Dr. Perry. I rushed home and grabbed the Whisp toothbrushes and got to Dr. Perry's ten minutes late still wearing the clothes I slept in that had Taco Bell sauce on them from a midnight snack.
Dr. Perry explained that he is actually an anesthesiologist who has spent the last fifteen years working with injecting a steroid mixture into the hardened scar tissue around injuries to relieve pain and free up movement. He examined me and found many place that were hardened (surprise surprise) and I agreed to try a series of injections twice a week along my spine, neck, and legs. The needle didn't hurt too much going in and then he dug around in each spot he chose feeling for hard places beneath the skin and he would inject those places which was a little uncomfortable but not unbearable with some deep breathing. He injected three places on the right side of my spine and told me to go to Jay, my physical therapist, to have Jay work the injections through the tissue. I dashed home and changed clothes before going to see Jay, who I had forgotten to call and tell I was having the injections today, but he still saw me. Now THAT hurt!!! It felt like Jay was digging in fresh wounds. I guess he was.
I went from Jay's to pick up Jessica and take her to Great Western bank to try to open an account but they wouldn't let her because of some report US Bank turned in on her. (GW bank said that USB was notorious for doing that to people.) Oh, and Jaz had been crying all day like she was in pain so I took her and left her with Jeremy before taking Jess to the bank.
I took Jess home and went to Jeanette's to take Robbie to the doctor. Robby is still running a 104 degree temp!!! And this time the doctor seemed almost as concerned as we have been now that he has been sick like this for 11 days. She said that if he is still running the fever tomorrow to call and they would send him to the University Hospital to have some more tests run. We are all terrified for our little guy and he is such a trooper. Robby has lost five pounds since his last doctor visit three days ago and it shows in his face. He is subdued but still smiles and plays some, unbelievable with how sick he is. He kept asking to go home with me and I kept saying he could as soon as he was well and then I thought about it and told him that he could come over this weekend even if he is still sick and Grandma will take care of him. That got a big smile.
On the way back to Jeanette's I was in terrible pain and Jeanette found my Home Care instructions and read that I wasn't supposed to be lifting anything or doing anything but resting. Oh.
I got home around five and Jaz woke up from a nap with a 101.9 temp so I called Tibbles office and left a message for the nurse to call me. After going over all of Jaz's recent illnesses and medications the nurse told me to take Jaz to an ER. I had to pick up Jessalynn from Girl Scouts at seven-thirty so I decided to take Jaz after taking Jessalynn home.
We found out today that the GS Cookie orders were due tonight and she hadn't been able to sell any yet with everyone sick and everything but Patrick got on the phone and took orders for 88 boxes and I sold enough to get it up to over a hundred boxes of cookies so she could win a prize. I picked up Patrick's order and got to the scout meeting right before it was over. Jessalynn was a little sad that it wasn't like last year and that she wasn't getting the prize she wanted but then her troop leader, Miss Jessica, asked her what she had hoped to win and told her that she would buy it for her at the Girl Scout store this weekend. She is an absolutely incredible troop leader!!
I took Jessalynn home and came home to get Jaz and after thinking about it realized that there was no way I could take her to the ER. I can't carry her at all today so Jeremy had to take her. We have never let him drive with one of the kids in the car because he is a really bad driver but I sent him to the Methodist Emergi Clinic right down the road so they should get there and back OK. They left about a half hour ago. I think most likely that her run of antibiotics, which she finished yesterday, didn't get rid of the double ear infection. I certainly hope it doesn't turn into a mystery like Robby!!
I am in terrible pain. I'm not sure right now if I can go through with this treatment but I'll at least try a few sessions before I give up. I was not ready at all for the amount of pain I would be in tonight although I don't know if it would have been better if I hadn't spent the whole day running around after getting this first one. I'm supposed to be resting and icing it.
Maybe I should get to that now.
Say a prayer for my sick babies.

A better day

Today went better than yesterday, not saying much!, even though Jeremy woke me up when he got off work at 1:30 and I never went back to sleep.
Still very worried about Robbie. His temp was 104 today and still no clue why. I plan to go with Jeanette to the doctor tomorrow and try to demand that they run a few more tests.
I got the girls to school on time and did all of the little things on my list for the day. Jami and Kirk couldn't make it for their visit or the Family Meeting today so it is rescheduled for tomorrow although they have court tomorrow at 1:30 for the Child Endangerment charge.
Kira is still not feeling well. She has an appointment with her doctor scheduled for Friday so if anything develops from the RSV hopefully it can be addressed then.

Jaz Home

Jaz went home to Mommy today. She is doing better with the steroids and Mommy was missing her. Jaz ran from me when she saw me get her coat but then came running when I said we were going to see Mommy. Too cute.
So it back to just Kira and me here. I no longer have to be within Kira's line of sight all of the time. She goes off to play in the Kid Room and everywhere now. She says two words, "ow" and "thank you" and she has one top and one on bottom. Kira is walking more and more but still crawls when she is in a hurry. Too cute.
It is "No Carb" day of my diet. (Not cute at all) I don't have a full blown panic attack on no carb day anymore but I still don't like it. I could never go on one of those strictly no carb diets.
Jeremy picked up a nice dining table and chairs that I took over to Jeanette's today. The kids were so excited to see it!! They want to sit down to meals with Mom and Dad like they haven't been able to before.
Tomorrow is Family Meeting Day with CPS. I am getting ready for the visit tonight. I'm always a little nervous when CPS visits and more so on Family Visits because no less than three CPS workers usually come. I go through the house over and over making sure everything is as child proof as I think and get rid of all the sign of the wild parties I throw. Just kidding.
Kira is asleep. I should get busy.

Jaz ER Again

Another one of "those" days.
Jami and Kirk came for their 11 o'clock visit and I took Jaz to the ER when it was over at 1. The last time I took her to Tibbles he considered putting her on steroids again but then decided to wait and see how she did. I called the clinic and told them she wasn't getting any better and asked if I could have that script for steroids. The nurse told me to take Jaz to the ER and I tried to argue explaining Tibbles had already talked about putting her on Prednisone and she got all snippy and said I would have to take Jaz to the ER for that. When I got to the ER they put us through first since Jaz was having trouble breathing and then when I told the doctor about calling the clinic she wanted to know why Tibbles didn't just call it in instead of exposing their ER to RSV and Jaz to everything else there. I dunno. I stopped at Walmart on the way home and got home at almost 6 pm.

Thursday Wee Hours

Can't sleep. Jaz, Jessalynn, and I have been sick with a baaaaad cold and Nett's kids have it, too. Jessalynn and Jenise haven't been to school this week and Jaz, of course, is having extra trouble with this virus on top of her asthma and having a double ear infection. Yesterday she threw up and I gave her some peppermint water to settle her stomach and then we noticed red blotches on her face. I called Dr. Tibbles office and they said to bring her in. Her eyes were all puffy by the time I got there and I was afraid she was developing an allergy to the antibiotics for the ear infection but Tibbles said he thought it was an allergy to peppermint. Then he heard her cough and said that her cough sounded like RSV and he was very sure of that diagnosis. He said to start nebulizing her every four hours. The rash cleared up but her cough has gotten worse and worse. Then today I noticed her chest retracting when she inhaled and called Tibbles again. They said that if breathing treatments didn't control the retracting to take her to the ER. We've kept it under control so far but I didn't take her home because Jess doesn't have a car and it is hard for her to do the breathing treatments alone. It often takes both Jeremy and me to hold her down for them.
Jami and Kirk came for their visit today. I noticed that Jami kept her winter scarf on for the two hour visit in this hot, steamy, house and I got a peek at her neck and saw the fresh tracks. Chere noticed, too, and called Ashleigh but I don't know what was said or done. Likely nothing will be done. Jami and Kirk both looked pretty rough and Jami fell asleep for a while on the bean bag chair during the visit.
Kira somehow isn't sick yet and I hope she dodges this bullet like she did the last time all of the kids were sick.
Jaz was feeling pretty good for a while this evening and it was so cute watching Kira and her playing. They emptied the pots and pans cabinet like they like to do and they each had a pot and one would hold her pot over her face and make funny noises in it and then the other laughing at themselves. I love to see how they are starting to love each other.
Jeremy was supposed to start a second job at JimmyJohns today and I talked him out of it. I think two jobs is just too much for him, he has been really sick for quite a while and we have no clue what is wrong yet, plus I really need him home during the days to help me get through all of the things I have to do for us and the kids. He was upset about me interfering with what he wanted to do but he gave in after a lot of pleading. It's just al bad time in a lot of ways for him to get all ambitious.
I am excited about the diet Cheri told me about and am already starting to lose weight. It is Day one, no carbs, Day two, 1200 calories, and Day three whatever you want to confuse your metabolism. No carb day is the hardest for Cheri and me, I almost fast on that day but I am starting to plan ahead for the day and it is getting easier. It is unbelievable how many things have carbs!!!!! This is the first time in a looooong time I have been hopeful that I might actually get back down to a size 11!!!
I've been having terrible back trouble. The pain, even with meds, is almost unbearable at times with nerve pain shooting down my legs to my heels and many other pains. Tomorrow I am seeing a specialist Dr. Gold recommended who is supposed to do injections in my back that Dr. Gold thinks will help.
The Missionaries stopped by today to give me a blessing, also prescribed by Dr. Gold, but Jaz was having a bad time and I asked to do it another time. They pressed and said that it wouldn't take long but Jeremy didn't want them in with Jaz crying and Idol on so I asked if we could do it in the hall. The Elders laid hands on me and asked for me to be healed and I admit I felt good while they did it, I just wish they weren't LDS. NO, that isn't quite it. I do love the Mormans individually but I just cannot accept all they teach, Joseph Smith etc,. as the whole Truth or, indeed, any Truth. I don't think any church today has a grip on the whole truth although the Quakers come the closest but I think the LDS are way out thee with their beliefs and rituals. I would have felt the same pleasure to have anyone pray and lay hand on me right now!! Of course they said that the peace I felt was proof of their divine religion and I am happy for them that they have that much faith in their church, even if I find it misguided, and I am grateful that they took the time to come and share their blessing. I just so much wish they would make their ways of life their religious focus instead of Joseph Smith and his Book of Morman but that could never happen.
I loaned Rob $100 today to have a nasty tooth pulled and hope that getting that out of his mouth will make him feel better all over.
We talked to the woman with the Blazer for sale finally today and she does still want to sell it but can't right now. I just hope it happens before the Lumina gets repossessed.
I think that is the update for now.

Saturday Evening

Ahhhh what a day!!! I got a couple of hours sleep and have been bleary all day. Trace went home a little while ago and I am hoping to somehow get a nap before Jenise and Robbie get here and Trace comes back for the night.
I got the house cleaned up for the CPS visit but Jami and Kirk didn't show up because they forgot what time they were supposed to be here. Cheri is getting a little upset at their not showing and showing up late because she wastes time and loses money. I think she is turning in an unfavorable report on them. I do defend them that it is hard for them to get here from Council Bluffs but I also think I would make the visits if it was my kids no matter what. BUT then again, this whole thing just doesn't seem to be taken seriously by anyone. I really don't think CPS cares if they are rehabilitated or not. They just go through the motions and will eventually give Kira back to them no matter what unless they do something catastrophic like kill someone.
I feel half dead and am throwing up just because I am so tired. I usually don't feel my age except when I am sick or don't get to sleep.
OK. I'm going to lay down with the babies.

Saturday Morning

Lisa was released from the hospital yesterday. Both of her ankles are badly broken and they sent her home to take care of herself and her five year old son. Jess and I went to her house right after she got there and I left Jess to spend the weekend and then I went to get her 17 prescriptions. I had to leave Ralston and go back later in the evening because Walgreens didn't have all of her meds ready. When I got back to Lisa's Jess had already made her home wheelchair friendly and even moved her fridge by herself. I'm pretty proud of her!!
Jaz was fussy all day and at eight her temp ws 103.7. I gave her some tylenol and got it down to 101 and then gave her some Ibuprophen, too.Then she wouldn't go to sleep last night so I took her to the ER at around 4 am. She had a bad double ear infection so they gave her numbing med for her ear and Amoxicilin. We got home around 6 and she finally slept. Natalie dropped off Trace at 8:30. Jeremy let him in and I got up at ten.
Now I have to get ready for Jami and Kirk's visit with Kira at 11.

Do I say it here???

Is it here I can say how I feel and what I think??? Not really. I don't want to hurt anyone who might come here that knows me ever again and the things I think and feel could hurt someone. Even a stranger who knows what I am saying or relates in any way.
There is no where no one to talk to except God.

I'm Baaaaack! A New Year

It has been so long since I have been here it no longer deserves the title of Daily Journal.

I just got Cricket Broadband. Been without Internet for over a year.

What a year.

Three grandbabies were born while I was offline. Jess had Jasmine in October 2008, Jeanette had Riley in November 2008, Jami had Kira in January 2009. I believe Dawn had twins in March of 2009 and Michelle also had Cherish in March 2009.Babies babies babies. Jessalynn's father, Patrick, also had a baby, Gage, a few months ago.

Kira is living with me right now. I am her temporary foster mother while Jami and Kirk clean up and get their lives together. They get four two hour visits a week and the visits go really well. I just hope they can do all they have to do to get her back. NOT that I want rid of her!!! She is a sweet little thing.

I still have the grandkids most weekends. Riley just came for the first time New Year's Eve, I think that was harder on Nett than Riley.

We're hoping to move next month if we can get into another place. I found a place that is closer to Jessalynn and Jenise's school and a hundred dollars a month cheaper but don't know if we will qualify for it yet. Well, I haven't even gone and looked at it yet either!!! If we're not having a blizzard it is dangerously cold out and I am not allowed to go anywhere without Kira so I don't get out much lately.

My nightmare biological brother made a fast trip up here last year to give Jeanette the car Joe Jolley left when he died. He acted all paranoid and terrified of me even though he is the last person on earth I would ever want to see and he has no clue how ridiculous he looks to people here who actually know me. He is used to his wide eyed listeners who he'll tell his stories to, and he is quite the story teller If you have all day to listen, and I can't believe I used to be one of his listeners.

OH, there has to be something better to write about.

I am often exhausted, over worked, stressed out, still in a lot of pain, and usually broke, but somehow I still think I have a very good life. It is all about the people I love and who love me.

Jeremy may have to stop working and file for disability. His doctor says it is time because he had a seizure at work and has been having breakthrough seizures more and more often. I haven't figured out how we will get through the waiting period after he files, it can take years like mine did, but I'm working on it. He is staying with his new buddy, Phillip, right now because CPS didn't approve of him living with me with Kira here but I expect Jami to get Kira back within the year.

We celebrated Kira's first birthday here yesterday. Maybe I will figure out how to add some pictures to this journal.

I have Jessalynn and Jazz here, too, right now and they all need my attention so this is all for now.

See ya.

Michelle Giving Birth

Little Michelle is having her baby irl right now. I am on the computer in the waiting room. I think it is going to happen at any minute, she has been pushing for two hours now!!!!!
I don't have a lot of oppportunity to get online anymore. My PC is maybe history. All it does is say that it can't find an operating system. I am going to take it to Geek Squad but have little hope.
riley just woke up so I have to stop for now but there is new news about everyone and everything....

Just a Quickie

This has to be fast. I'm on a fifteen minute PC at the library and have already been on a while. And I have to leave pretty quick and pick up Jessalynn from tutoring.
I totaled two cars last month,. the front wheel finally fell off of the Honda so I got a Saturn that I loved but got T-boned about a week later and and lost the Saturn. And almost got killed but I'll go into all that later.....

Thanksgiving 2008

We had TG dinner at Jeanette's this year but Jeremy and I did all of the cooking. Things didn't go perfectly, we woke with a clogged toilet and then Jess called and said that Meezie's father had died that morning. Plus I was sick with a cold and a sinus infection and couldn't taste what I was cooking but I think it all turned out OK. Everyone ate it all.

Jeremy and I brought Jessalynn, Jasmine, Jenise and Robbie home with us that night. Jasmine went home the next evening but we kept the other three until Sunday night and had a really great time with them all.

Jeanette and I took Riley for his one week check up today and found out that his collar bone broke during his delivery as well as Jeanette's tail bone. Poor little guy!!! Otherwise he is dong very well. :-)

Tonight I have what will likey be my last meeting with the Morman Missionaries. Last visit I asked them three questions that they couldn't answer and they said they would get back with me in a week or so. They stopped by for a short visit Saturday and I asked them how it was going with my qestions and they said they didn't have the answers they were hoping to find but that they did have some things they had found. Tonight I have about forty pages of questions and observations for them and I will attempt to save them. I plan to put the summary of all my research online when I get it all typed up.

OK. that's it for now. I'm at the library and I am out of here!!!!

Riley Jaco Born 11/23/08!!!!

Riley was born Sunday afternoon at two forty three pm. He weighed eight pounds and three ounces and is twenty one and a half inches long!!!!! Riley and Jeanette are both doing very well although jeanette's tailbone broke during the delivery.

This was my first time to watch a natural delivery and it was absolutely amazing!!!!!

I spent the night at the hospital with Jeanette and we stayed up almost all night talking. We found out we have a lot of weird quirks in common!!!

I'm in the family room at Methodist Hospital now and we are getting ready to check out.

Just thought I would check in here...

I found Dawn

I Googled Dawn and Craig and found them and we talked for hours the other night. She has seven children now!! She topped off her family with boy/girl twins last spring. It was wonderful talking to her again. We talked about everything that has gone on in our lives for the last five years or so since we last talked and about the Morman church. I am very proud of her and all she has done with her life. I really hope to be able to see her again someday soon. I have to see all these kids!!! I feel that they are mine as I feel that she is mine. I am also very very proud of Anthony, her oldest son, who is almost sixteen now. He sounds so wonderful. I know that being in the Morman church has a lot to do with how Dawn's life has turned out and am very thankful for that. It does make me want to keep investigating the church although it doesn't make me want to rush to join. I know it is right for her. Whether or not it is right for my family and me might be a different thing.
The elders were here this evening. I told them I wanted to read the book of Acts before I went any further with them and that I would be looking at other churches, too, and they said that was fine although they, of course, are still pushing LDS very hard as they always do when you talk to them. Jeremy and I are going to take a tour of their church tomorrow evening with them. They brought a man with them tonight, I don't remember his name, I'm bad about that, and they have several times brought members with them when they visit, but this time I sensed pretty quickly that this man was different even before they told me who he was. He seemed to just kind of glow when he spoke and halfway through the visit they explained who he was. I forget the title he holds but he isn't just a missionary but holds a high position in the church here. It was impressive that someone could have the air about him that this man did is Morman. I told them that I wasn't jumping in the water but was just looking at it for now and again they said that was fine and then went on with this evening's lesson. ;-) Tonight they talked about chastity and with it about Jeremy and I getting legally married in Nebraska since Nebraska doesn't recognize the common law marriage we had in Texas. I explained that we were bothered by that, too, but that I would lose my disability benefits if we got married legally here. They said that they would consult a lawyer about it. Internesting....
Being behind on all our bills finally caught up with us and we lost our Cox phone and they will be shutting down our cable and Internet at any time now. We went and got a Cricket cell phone and have a converter box for one of the TV's so far and that will have to do for now. I have internet on the cell phone and will use the one at the library after this is shut off. It's a bit of a bummer but we've accepted it. I'm glad Jeremy doesn't seem to hold it against me that this is because of the money we spent helping Jami. We will get back on our feet again and get it all together again soon. We were planning to cut the cable and internet to give us a break to catch up and keep the phone but we were to far behind to even keep the phone with them.
OK. Bedtime. See you.

After Halloween

Jeanette, Patrick, and I took Jenise, Robbie, and Jessalynn trick-or-treating in the Cherry Hills subdivision and had a fun night even if a bit exhausting. My best moment was when a man offered Robbie a box of Nerds and Jenise thought he was calling Robbie a Nerd and she yelled He's a Vampire not a nerd!! I love the way those two love each other.
We lasted as long as the kids did and I got home by about ten. Patrick and I talked a lot during the walk. He so obviously still loves Jess it is really sad to see although he tries to hide it, there is just no hiding a love like that. I do often wish they had just been more compatable or at least older when they got together.
I do hate that Jess is with Meezie!!! He will never amount to anything and he will never marry her and he will never support her even halfway. He is being nice to her right now, taking her out to dinner tonight, but I am not at all impressed.
If he wants to impress me he could start by getting real job.
And do his own laundry or SOMETHING around the house besides mess it up and run up the bills.
OK. I got that out of my system for now!!!
Jeremy and I are getting along better again. He does try so hard but he is such a butthead and that is sooo ingrained in him from being raised by a bigger butthead.
I had the Morman elders here again at one today and have agreed to go to church with them tomorrow. I still don't feel any strong urge to join with them. I want to re-read Ann Moore's Till Morning Light and check her references to what she wrote about the beginnings of the Morman church. I know her opinion was negetive but I don't remember what all her disagreements were or where she got her information but I do remember agreeing with her thoughts at the time I read it not long ago at all. And I still have deeply ingrained in me a distrust of all "organized religion" and nothing I have heard or seen yet has let down that guard at all. I am going to attend their church to hear and see what they do there different from other churches I have seen, I have been to many and found them all to be, to me, false, and I will give theirs the same fair chance to make me feel compelled to join. I do enjoy discussing the Bible with people familiar with it, and these guys are although maybe not so much as the workers in the Truth, but I may continue to resist their pushing of The Book of Morman even though I am dutifully reading it to also give it a fair chance. I think I wouldn't bother at all if it weren't for Dawn and wondering how her life is now that she has become a Morman.
I am getting ready now to have all of the grandkids here for the evening. Even Jasmine will be here for a little while while Jess goes out to eat with Meezie. :-) The otheres will be spending the night and I hope most of tomorrow with me.

Speachless

I've lost my voice with this new bug I caught from Jeremy. I can squeak like a chipmunk or bellow a terrible sound. (that hurts!) I just hope Jessalynn and Jasmine don't get it!!! Nor Jenise and Robbie, but I'm not around them as much although we went over there this evening. We stopped by at Nett's to drop off some Pepto chewable pills because the kids have a stomach flu they likely got from Jessalynn last week. I told them it was candy to get them to take it, not the best idea, I know, but they had already refused the liquid Jeanette tried to give them. Robbie ate his right away but Jenise was suspicious and didn't eat hers until after Robbie asked for another one.
After we left Jeanette's, we stopped at Jessica's to drop off Jessalynn and help a bit with Jasmine while Jess gave Jessalynn her bath. Whie there I realized I was late for an appointment with two Morman elders but didn't have their number with me to call.
Oh, yea. I've been talking to the Mormans. It started the other day when they stopped to chat while Jeremy and I were outside looking at the poor car. Then I invited them to stop by and discuss thier religion a couple of nights later. That went OK and they answered my questions but I didn't necessarily like their answers. I asked why, if Jesus's words were our instructions, set in stone so to speak, why did the Morman church make laws then change them such as Polygamie? They said that many things were changed with the times all throughout the Bible but I don't believe it was meant to be so after the new testament myself. I asked why the only use the King James Version of the Bible when there are words in it that have totally different meanings now? and they said that it was the translation closest to the word of God and that it had a poetic sound to it. Hmmm. I listened to them talk about their church, a lot of it I had already read on the Internet getting ready for their visit, and they made it all sound so very simple and denied that they think that those who don't join the Morman church aren't true Christians. I agreed to read some of the Book of Morman they left and set up to see them again tonight.
The Book of Morman didn't move me at all like they were hoping. It almost seemed blasmephous to me in some ways. There is a lot of rewriting of scripture already in the new Testament with stories added about the words of Jesus that were supposed to be revealed by Joseph Smith who saw them written on gold plates that disappeared after he read them. I was rather impressed with what I had researched about Joseph Smith on the Internet. It is amazing that a boy of fifteeen would have such insights from God or anywhere. I could even believe he was a prophet. I also believe Mohamed and Buddah and martin Luther King and a slew of other were prophets of the same kind. But, I also believe that the Mroman faith has been as corrupted as any other church by the ideas of men. And another thing that bothered me. Jess was here once when they stopped by for a minute last night and they invited her to church and she said she didn't have church clothes and they told her she could wear whatever she wanted, to come as she was. Now, when I first started with "The Truth" they said exactly the same thing but later let me know that women and girls had to wear conservative dresses and never cut their hair, and wear it up once a young woman!, and the men were to wear dress shirts and slacks and have no facial hair. I read in the book of Morman that they expect the women to wear dresses and the men to wear a shirt and tie to church. Those now and then rules have always greatly irked me!!!! It's like they will way anythying to get you there and then they tell you all of the real rules you will go to hell if you don't follow them. They said nothing of the undergarments I know all true Mormans wear... And while I am oging at it, it bothered me that alomst all of the footnote references at the bottom of the pages in The Book of Morman refered you to another chapter and page in The Book of Morman instead of to the Bible.
I like these guys. I'm amazed that there are so many intelligent, influential, people withing the Morman church. Or any other church!! The biggest example the Catholics. Huge churches with huge followings. And millions of people tortured and or killed all for the sake of these religions. Some even torture and kill themselves!!
I haven't yet found the gospel according to the original twelve disciples, or the words of Christ recorded in the Bible, being upheld in any church on earth.
But I do find from time to time people who do all they can to live by these things on their own uncorrupted by the demands of rules and tithings and with no vanity that every one else has it wrong.
Those are the people, and children!, I would want to talk to, if anyone, about God.

War on the Homefront

We aren't getting along too well. In fact we are either fighting or not speaking. I prefer the not speaking. :-)
It has been brewing for a while. I am sooo sick of Jeremy arguing with Jessalynn all of the time like he is six years old, too, or sometimes even younger. I would just feel pity for him if it was all he is capable of but it is not. If I try to tell him how to deal with her he just argues with me even though everything he or I say only prove that I am telling him the right things. I'm also real tired of how he and Jessica fight all of the time, usually him making some snide remark that starts it off. Add to that he has been spending more and more money on recreation and contributing less and less to the house while bitching more and more about what we can't afford and I want to strangle him.
He was sitting at the computer and I said something that irritated him and he hit the keyboard. I walked over and slapped him across the back of the head and he ripped the whole keyboard tray off of the desk. I told him to get out and he said no so I took an arm load of his clothes and threw them out in the hall. He shoved me out the door with them and shut the door with me out there in the cold in a T-shirt and panties!!! Asswipe!!
Yea, it doesn't help that my car isn't running and I feel trapped here with his bullshit but I have been looking up bus routes and will free myself. Last night I slept in Jessalynn's room with her and it was quite nice.
I am going to apply for Section 8 Housing again. I qualified before but Jeremy couldn't live with me so I gave it up and we moved here. I need my own place or I will never know the peace I want or be able to enjoy my family.
Jeremy asked me what my plans were this morning and I told him that and he got all huffed up and said "So I am supposed to just sit here and pay half your bills until then??!!" I said No way! I told you to get out yesterday and you are free to go anytime. In fact, go now!! I can always take my SSI and go stay with Jeanette until I get my Section 8!! Fool. Try to strongarm me.
It truly is a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
And that makes it not nice to say that but soooo much of what Jeremy doesn't know about how to get along is him refusing to learn, NOT him being unable. MAYBE he truly can't understand WHY he needs to learn the little things about life to get along but that is also his own stubbornness to not see that his judgement never pans out like he thinks it will. There are too many incidents to count, truly, where I have advised him one way and he has gone another to his own detriment, often hurting both of us. He is not beyond eventually learning cause and effect.
Instead Jeremy is just full of himself and frustrated that the rest of the world doesn't see things his way. It is sad that so many take an instant dislike to him but he comes across as such an imbecil, much more so than he really is, because he refuses to believe that acting like he is still in high school just isn't cool at thirty-two. He will beat his head against a wall to prove to me that it isn't harder than his head until he needs stitches.
Almost literally.
I can't take anymore of this!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday Morning

Last night Jeanette came and drove me around to take care of my business for a few days with trips to Walgreens and the grocery store, etc.
On Beaver's instructions, Jeremy and I put brake fluid in the Master Cylinder yesterday and we were going to try to drive it to the gas station to air the almost flat tires and to the repair shop to save towing fees. The gears shifted at first but before we even took off they froze up again even with the fluid in it so I have to believe it is more than a simple leak and likely the Master Cylinder or worse.
It was a nice outing with Jeanette. We shared our misery and laughed at it and stopped and visited Jess and Jasmine. Patrick dropped Jessalynn off here and I kept her overnight and Patrick will pick her back up tonight for the night. There is no school today and tomorrow because of Parent Teavers Conferences, so we have a few days to get the car fixed if we can afford whatever the price is going to be. We won't know that until Friday when the guy can look at it after we have it towed to him.
Last night I had one of the worst nightmares ever. I dreamed the lights in the house weren't working and then peoplelike things appeared trying to abduct us and I tried all kinds of prayers and encantations that had no effect because they turned out to be some kind of aliens, they kept trying to inject us with something but we fought them even though they were very, very, strong, and when I woke up I was screaming. YUK. One of the few nightmares where I wasn't aware at all that I was only dreaming.

Blast it all!!!

My car is broken down!!! this brings my life and Jessica's to a stand still. Then to complete the family mess Jeanette just found out her unemployment will be stopped as of next week and I won't be in any position to help her. PLUS I got my Stimulus payment finally only to find that the government had taken all but six dollars of it because an ambulance I was in stopped at the Air Force Hospital to be directed to a non-military facility!!!! That little layover cost me three hundred dollars!!!!!
BLAST!!!

Jasmine and Jessica Home :-)

It was a beautiful day. Jasmine surprised everyone and was well enough to be discharged with Jessica today. :-)
We left the hospital around three and picked Jessalynn up a little early and showed her class the new baby. Then we went to Walmart to fill Jess's scripts and get a few last minute baby things. I took Jess and Jasmine home and brought Jessalynn here to play with her friends a couple of hours and then Jeremy and I took her home and had a nice visit with them. I clipped Jasmine's fingernails for Jess and gave Jessalynn her bath and put her to bed. It was a sweet feelng over there.
Meezie has also surprised all of us by being really good through all of this. He went into the delivery room with Jessica and was up at the hospital eveyr day and even cleaned the hose before Jessica got home. :-)
There was ice on the windshield when I left home at six this morning to take Jessica some things. Winter is coming!!! It got up to a pleasant sixty degrees today and it looks like that is all we are going to get for a while.
I am glad to be home and ready for a little break after a grueling week. I've been in a lot of pain but already feel a little better tonight. Maybe it is knowing everything is going to be easier for about five weeks until Jeanette is ready to have her baby. I HAVE to be there for her for this one after missing the first two!!!!!!!
Now off to bed. A full day coming tomorrow with getting to the doctor to have my BP checked and get a flu shot, and then getting Jeremy to the Fred Leroy Clinic to have his BP checked and maybe get a change to his seizure medication. He has been having seizures lately even though his Tegretol levels have been high. He will also have to get a flu shot; Jasmine's doctor said for us all to get them. Jessica got hers before leaving the hospital and we a e going to get Jessalynn the nasal spray kind ASAP.
So, Jasmine is home and she and Jessica are doing very well and Jessalynn seems to be taking it all very well and loves her new sister.
A beautiful day. :-)

The Day After Jasmine Born

I wish I had made an entry yesterday when Jasmine came but it was a long frightening day.
Jeremy and I picked up Jessica and Jessalynn a little before seven, and got her there in time to prep for her C-section. We left the hospital when they took her away to re-park the car and air the almost flat tires and when we got back she had already been delivered and Meezie's mother, Tanya, was there looking at Jasmine being weighed etc. through the glass window to the nursery. Jasmine looked chubby, healthy and was a beautiful mix of Jessica and Meezie and we were all oohing and awing, Meezie had gone with Jess for the delivery and was still with Jasmine in the nursery in his scrubs, and when he left the area to go check on Jessica they moved Jasmine towards the back of the nursery and drew a curtain between her and us. We were immediately concerned and asked at the desk if there was a problem and they said that she was just getting a bath and that they would send Meezie out to talk to us soon. Then we saw them wheel an ex-ray machine to the curtained off area and Tanya and I knew something was wrong. Meezie came out and said that they had told him that she has a slight heart murmur but he knew nothing about the ex-rays being taken. We were allowed to go see Jess in her room and were there when they came and said that they wanted to take Jasmine over to the NICU to be monitored until some tests came back on her. Jeremy asked if Jess could see her first so they brought her by the room for a scant few minutes (during which we snapped some pictures of Jess holding her) and whisked her off to the NICU. Hours later I wheeled Jess to the NICU to see her and we were told that she had something called PDA and it was explained to us. Jess asked if they expected Jasmine to go home when she did on Thursday and they said a definite NO and Jessica fell apart crying. I stayed with her until midnight and only left then because I had to get Jessalynn home and I looked up PDA after I got here. I read about it until three am learning the questions to ask since they didn't seem to be telling us more than we knew to ask. Jess called several times during the night until she finally fell asleep.
I got up a little late this morning and we had decided to let Jessalynn decide whether to go to school or the hospital today and she wanted to go to see her mom and Jasmine. I had to go see Dr. Gold on the way and fell asleep in the examining room. I don't much remember the check up but he said to continue with PT and get some sleep.
Jess had called before we left and said that Dr. Tibbles had been in and told her that the diagnosis had changed to Infant Pulmonary Hypertension, something that Zoloft is guilty of causing, although they don't seem to know of a set cause. That frightened me since I had come across information about it, too, during my late night reading, but when I got to Clarkson Hospital Jessica told me that Jasmine was out of the incubator and when we went down to visit her they said that she had taken an ounce of formula without her oxygen level dropping and that we could hold her. Incredible news!!!
Jess had a rough day while we were there. Jessalynn was maybe tired and grumpy along with her adjustment issues and Jessica was very stressed out and the visit just didn't go very well. I brought Jessalynn home around four-thirty and took Jeremy to work and Jessalynn was asleep in the car when I got home so I sat in our parking lot and read for an hour or so to let her get some rest.
We came in and Jessalynn took her shower and we are getting her ready for school tomorrow before we go back up to the hospital. She has to go tomorrow because it is picture day and it is just time for her to get back to school!

Sunday Before Jasmine

Jessica called a little bit ago saying she needs to go back to Walmart to exchange something after I take Jenise and Robbie home, which will be a soon as I feed them which will be in about ten minutes.
Finally, we can say that Tomorrow Jasmine will be here. :-)
I woke with a migraine so Jeremy got up with the kids this morning and dressed them and fed them breakfast. Then he went and worked a couple of hours and will return to work at five until closing time.
Jeanette called and said that Michelle had finally stopped fielding Jami's calls for her and gave Jami her number. So maybe the fates have decided that I was correct in wanting to ask Jeanette to take one of her calls!! She said Jami was crying but still blaming me for everything that happened, never able to take responsibility for her actions, and Jeanette told her she should get some mental help for the baby's sake since she was obviously unstable. I know Jami didn't think about how her actions would cut her off from her family or any other consequences when she started in on everyone here that day. She can see nothing but her own rage at those times. And even though life has been much harder for them since leaving here, I doubt she even thinks about how unreasonable she was that day about us "taking advantage of her." Jeanette also told her that I chose not to press charges or anything when Jami said something about me not caring about her. I'm glad that Jami knows that.
I have to feed these guys and get them all ready to go now. Take Jess shopping and try to amuse her some through this nervous day. Maybe get together what I might need at the hospital tomorrow.
See ya.

Grandchildren overnight again

Jeanette finally let me have Jenise and Robbie overnight for the first time since IT happened. :-) I slept until nine and spent the day finishing cleaning and clearing the house, took about a hundred pounds of stuff to Goodwill, and got the kid's room set up cute again, and Jeanette and Rob dropped off Jenise and Robbie around four and Jessalynn got here around six. We had a good time together and I fed them supper and then made them some Rice Crispy treats. Yum.

Yesterday I took Jess for her pre-baby check-up and she passed with flying colors. Her left lung has healed nicely with the new antibiotic and the baby's heartbeat is strong and good. The countdown is getting very close, since it is after midnight, I can say Jasmine will be delivered tomorrow!! We will get to the hospital Monday at 6:30 am and the C-section is scheduled for 8:30 am.

I stopped at Dr. Hay's office Friday and had my blood pressure checked and the doctor doubled my medication and I am to go back in next week sometime and get it checked again.

I took Jeremy to the Fred Leroy clinic Thursday so they could run some tests to determine what kind of arthritis he has. His blood pressure is questionable, too, but the doctor wants to give him a chance to correct it with some diet changes and go back in and have it checked again in a week or so, too. I'm worried that he likely has Rheumatoid Arthritis from what the doctor said about the symptoms of the different kinds of arthritis, but I guess we will know soon when they get the tests back. In the mean time she prescribed a general NSAID arthritis medicine. If he does have Rheumatoid the medication will be so expensive that it will be cheaper to drive to the Indian reservation in Winnebago, where there is a hospital that dispenses free medication to Native Americans, than it would be to fill it at a pharmacy here. I looked up Winnebago and it is just south of Sioux City, not too bad of a drive, and it would be interesting to see the reservation if we do end up having to go there. It's been a long time since we have taken a road trip anyhow.

Jeremy and I have grown closer again and have really been enjoying being together. I have been the problem and decided to fix my attitude and stop taking him so much for granted. He so often has come last in everything for too long with me caring for my girls and their children and I had to stop and remind myself that I would be totally lost without him and not even able to do the things I do for my girls without him. And it is wonderful how he accepted the change in my attitude with simple gratitude and joy instead of recriminations for being so neglectful for so long. It really humbled me to think how patiently he has waited for me to remember to put him first again. I hope I never forget again.

I got an email this morning asking if I want to accept Jami as a friend on Facebook. We are all stunned that she sent the request. I know it is an attempt to reconnect with me, and I have always just let it go and accepted overtures like this after an "incident" in the past, but this time I feel like I have to have at least some acknowledgement of what she did, if not an apology!, instead of just going on like it never happened. In fact, I think maybe I should have never done that before and set such a ludicrous precident. I didn't deny the request but I didn't respond either.

I received a short, sweet, letter from Lindsey Thursday. I got her a new bra tonight at Walmart because she asked for some new ones. If this one fits her then I wil get her more. She is upset that her mother and I aren't together anymore and I am so sorry that this is effecting her. Everything about what happened is just sad.

My mouse is going bonkers and it is very late so I will stop here. Also, Robbie usualy wakes up around five in the morning although he usually will go back to sleep if I put him in bed between Jeremy and me. :-)

Goodnight.

NOt so lazy...

Ah, my lazy day changed after taking Jeremy to work at four. I set out to clean all of the things Patrick gave us out of his basement, baby things, mostly Kunashe's, and I cleaned the toys and furniture on the patio and organized it nice (we've had one notice from the management to take care of it). I had a bad spell while doing the cleaning, shaky and dizzy. Took my BP, 164 over 115, so I ate a few corn chips and rested a little bit and was OK. I think I am having some low blood sugar problems again. I finished all of that and then went to Jessica's. I rearranged Jessalynn's room to make room for Jasmine's crib and the room looks really cozy and cute. It took me over an hour just to put the crib together!!! I finished cleaning Jessalynn's room and did her laundry and was done at eleven thirty, in time to pick up Jeremy from work.
I am soooo sore and tired and will be sore tomorrow but it was worth it to finally get all of that done!!!
Now, to bed.

Jess back to ER

Yesterday when I got to Jessica's she was trying to get Jessalynn ready for school and crying because she was in so much pain. Jess almost never cries from pain!!! I took Jessalynn to school, canceled Jeremy's dentist appointment, and took Jess to the ER. This time I stayed with her to make sure they did something besides tell her to take tylenol and use a hot pack.
They sent her up to OB and her OB team took care of her, running blood tests and doing Ex-rays. The main doctor thought she had pneumonia in her left lung but she didn't although her blood test showed she still has an infection there. He checked her side where the severe pain is and said she had cracked a rib coughing. I kept saying that she needed something for pain besides tylenol and they finally gave her some Hydrocodone and a prescription for it as well as a new antibiotic. We were there almost five hours but this time it was worth it. Plus we got to see the rooms moms go to after they ahve their babies. It was really nice with a jaccuzzi and a long couch that turns into a bed. (for me!!)
When I got to Jessica's this morning she was still asleep but I kept knocking until Jessalynn looked out the window and let me in. I was, thankfully, there early, so I had time to get Jessalynn ready for school. Jess got up as we were leaving and I assured her everything was taken care of and to go back to bed.
It was really cool out this morning so I came home and snuggled back into bed with Jeremy and took a long nap. Lazy day!!! It is still cool but bright and sunny and windy out now. Really a beautiful fall day.

Sleepy Head

I don't believe this. Jeremy let me sleep in today and I slept until four pm!!!!! And then he had to wake me up to watch Jessalynn because it was time for him to go to work! You would think I would feel marvelously rested but I am sluggish as a Sloth and stiff as a board!
Now I am headed to Jessica's to finish cleaning and rearranging Jessalynn's room to fit a crib in there. (Jess is feeling a little better but still confined to bed.) And I hope to get to clearing our living room and patio. I was up until two cleaning out the room Jami and Kirk were using and turning it back into a kid's room.
And so I'm taking off for now!!!!! Peace.

Jess Worse

Jess called today and said that she was coughing and felt something snap in the place that is hurting her. When I got to her house she could hardly move because she was in so much pain. I took her a heating pad to use and stayed and cleaned Jessalynn's room to get it ready to go set up the crib in there for her tomorrow. Jess is "nesting" and it is driving her nuts with being laid up and so much she wants to get done before she has the baby.
I'm getting around a little better today, it started out OK but the pain in my hips, legs, and back is pretty outrageous right now!! The good news is I don't notice the pain in my neck so much for now...
Kirk came and got all of their stuff that they want today so that is over with. The room they used is still quite a mess with the trash he left and the living room is piled with our stuff still but getting Jess's house in order is the priority for now.
I do wish Jeremy spent more time helping me instead of laying in bed watching TV when he is home...
Jessalynn is spending the weekend with me since Mommy is laid up. She wanted to anyhow so she can play with her friend, Ania, here.
Patrick hasn't asked for Jessalynn in a long time except to take her to his mom's and Jessalynn said she doesn't want to go with him again unless he is going to spend some time with her. I don't know what is up with him. He used to always at least spend one day a week with her.
Rob just stopped by to pick up a TV Jeremy got for Robbie's room. Robbie has been waking up screaming for some time now and Jeanette is hoping some distraction in his room will calm him down. Oh and Rob was shocked to see our living room!!! I really have to get it dug out and reorganize the house. A lot of it is stuff that was stored in the middle room closet that we had to move to the garage when Jami and Kirk moved in and then there are all of the baby things I have acquired... Even the patio is piled with stuff.
Now I'm off to rest a bit before Jeremy gets off work.

OUCH!

I'm really suffering for carrying that dresser!!!!! I have pain going from my tail bone down my right leg to my heel and it is excruciating!!! (Sciatic nerve) I went for PT and they did some extra work on me and gave me some Biofreeze to try but it didn't seem to help much. Then around six I tried some Hydrocodone and using my Tens unit which did seem to help but then Jess called in a lot of pain from what sounded like Pleurisy. I called her doctor's after hours service and they called back and said that they wanted Jess in the ER within four hours or they would send an ambulance. We all went and took her there and spent six hours in the ER to be told that there is nothing they can give her while pregnant. Something they could have told us over the phone!!!!
Gasoline is an amazing $3.05 a gallon after being almost four dollars a gallon for months. It's nice but makes me wonder what is comng next....
Jessalynn is spending the night. Maybe I can have Jenise and Robbie tomorrow ? although I don't know how I wil manage to get the house ready by then. The living room is piled with the things we had in the room Jami and Kirk were using plus the things we had to move into storage to make room for them when they moved in plus a lot of baby things Patrick found in his basement for us plus a couple of bags of clothes Jess sent ove to be gone through before I take them to Goodwill. The room is piled with a narrow path leading to the back door.....
That's about all. Now I have to sit her and wait for Jeremy to come help me out of this chair.
This crippled crap sucks. Good thing about the new back injury ~ I don't notice the neck so much right now.....

Thursday Night

This morning I saw a maintenance guy carrying a six drawer dresser to the dumpster and woke up Jeremy so we could claim it for Jessi. We also got a 27 inch TV for Robbie. :-) Good scavenger day!
Then Kirk stopped by and told us they weren't paying another month on the garage but were taking their things to store elsewhere. He also said that they were moving back to the Micah House homeless shelter so I guess things didn't work out at the place in Carter Lake. Child Support caught up with Kirk for his three girls and he says they are going to start taking four hundred a month out of his checks for it. He's been paying a guy thirty dollars a week just for a ride home from work every day and he takes the bus there which eats up a couple of hours of his day. I feel sorrier for him than Jami since she is the one who got them into this mess being so dissatisfied with things here and what she did as a result of that thinking!
Jeremy and I took Jess her dresser and helping Jeremy carry it upstairs really hurt me but no way could Jess help him nine months pregnant!! We went and picked up Jessalynn from school and I passed out with an ice pack until it was time to take her home at eight.
Jeremy is getting our things out of the garage right now. I was a little ticked he didn't think to get it done while I was out and it was still daylight. He doesn't seem to do anything unless I keep reminding him what needs done. Argggghhh.
And I'm off to an early bed for an early busy morning. Jess to school, physical therapy, and take Jess for her last day at work.
Good night!

Thursday Morning

I saw Dr. Hay Tuesday morning. He talked to me for a long time and is running some tests to try to figure what has gone wrong with my blood pressure, which has been very low most of my life and put me on some BP medicine for now. He suspects my thyroid but I have had it radiated twice. We'll see.
Jess and I stopped to see Jeanette yesterday and got $100 of my disability. Robbie was very affectionate and sat with me playing most of the time we were there. :-) Her children are such cuties!!
I'm still working my way through reading all of Catherine Cookson's 100 Novels that the library carries.

Baby Things

Today I picked up a crib and a bunch of other things that the people Jessica works with gave her today. I think she has everything she needs now plus an eighty dollar gift certificate to fill in any blanks. She is also getting an extra bassinet for me, she has two at her house already, Kunashe's old one upstairs and a new one downstairs that came from her baby shower. I have one here but it isn't the best being a travel one. The people at KPC also gave Jessalynn a Big Sister Card with a ten dollar gift certificate in it. That was pretty cool!!! She has some awesome friends at work.
I heard from Uncle Paul today. It surprised me being the second email this month. His eyes are going on him and it hurts him to be on the computer. He says Mike got a hole in his roof and part of his fence blown down by the last hurricane.
Busy morning tomorrow. I take Jessalynn to school at eight-thirty, see Dr.Hay at eight-forty-five and then take Jessica to her OB at ten.
Time to get ready for bed!!!!!

Monday Monday

No school today and Jeremy walked to work without waking me so I slept in. :-) But then at eleven Jess called and I had forgotten that she had to go to work today!!! I got her there in time. This is the last week she will work before she has Jasmine.
I am starting to work on The Life Project again. The Shop of Horrors and all the little things I can remember about this life. It is good to have the time to be writing again. Getting smacked in the face with my own mortality gave me a little push to want to start getting everything written down.
It is an absolutely beautiful day today. Sunny and cool, high only supposed to be 73. If I didn't still have this cold it would be perfect.

Sunday Evening

It's been a rather boring day. This cold is a bummer and really taking its toll on Jessica and me. I just hope we don't pass it on to anyone else!! Jeremy is in a lot of danger of getting it and Jeanette was exposed, too, from taking Jess to her baby shower.
I am stuck in bed on doctor's orders for three days and this cold is holding me to that order. My blood pressure is still at a dangerous level but I will be seeing Dr. Hay on Tuesday and get things straightened out.
Jeanette suggested we throw a big sister party for Jessalynn and I think it is a wonderful idea if we can get it together. I've never heard of the idea but it is a good one. It is so hard to become a big sister after being the only one until six!!
Jeremy took the car to work tonight but I expect him home soon and Jessalynn wants me to go get her for the night when he gets off so she can be here to ride her bike and play tomorrow. Jessica is so tired all of the time and now sick to boot so she needs the break, too.
I plan to start writing about my mom sometime soon. I found several drafts I started about her in my Scribefire that I had forgotten about and I really want to tell her story. I have all of her legal papers and letters and stuff to put together the things I don't know personally and make it a good story. I want to leave her story here for my descendants even more than my own. Jeanette and Jessica can tell most of mine still but Mom's story will be lost after me if I don't leave a record of it. My only remaining sibling cares nothing for her and knows next to nothing about her so it is up to me to immortalize her. :-)

Me to ER

I woke to the phone ringing and it was Dr. Tibbles wanting to know why I had called in a refill for my blood pressure medicine. I told him and he told me to have someone drive me to the ER. I drove myself and ended up there until six pm having tests run and sleeping from the meds they were putting in my IV. IU called Jess at two to tell her I would be late taking her to her baby shower so Jeanette took her. Everyting is under control except I have that horrible cold Jessalynn hs been fighting all week. Jessica has it, too, and we are both really miserable!!
Jess got a lot of great baby things. We had our firt Jessalynn meltdown when we went to Jessica's this evening and saw the piles of baby things. I think it just really hit Jessalynn that she would be sharing Mommy with a sister. We calmed her and reassured her of her place in our hearts.

To the Park

Jeremy and I took the grandkids to the park this afternoon until he had to go to work at four and had a very good time. I taught Jenise to ride her little bike and there was a really nice jungle gym there with three slides. :-) I took some pics. I had to take Jenise and Robbie home when Jeremy went to work, Jeanette and Rob still won't let me take them alone, partly because of my injuries and a little out of fear that Jami would show up.
Jami has been trying to contact Jeanette and Jeanette doesn't want to talk to her. I told Jess I was thinking about asking Nett to at least give Jami someone to talk to but Jessica seemed to think it was an unfair thing to ask of Jeanette. She doesn't believe Jami really needs any of us but that she is still just intent on trying to convince anyone she can of her story about what happened here and I couldn't really argue with that. Maybe later when Jami is closer to giving birth and maybe more concerned with that...
It occurred to me today that Jami will be fifty when this daughter graduates and also that no one expects her to live that long with the abuse she has done to herself. I certainly won't be alinve by then! But no one seems to believe she will raise this one anyhow and many hope she won't try. She's left enough damaged kids in her wake.
I ordered our TV converter Box couons and plan to give up cable TV when we get them. I ordered Jeanette's, too, and they are supposed to be mailed to us October 10th.
I missed PT today. Jay called and wasn't at all happy about it but I have a cold and have been having so much trouble with my blood pressure and heart flutters I just couldn't make myself go. I have requested a refill of my Inderal that I was taking but the last time I checked the doctor hadn't approved the refill. I may have to go to an Emergy Center to get it before the weekend is over.
Jessica is petty sick with that cold Jessalynn has had. I have it, too, but I can at least take cold medications that are forbidden to her being pregnant.
And OH is she ever pregnant!! Jessalynn got in the car today announcing that Mommy can no longer bend over. ;-)
Any day now I will be a grandma for the seventh time.

Jessalynn to Dcotor

Nothing major, just took Jessalynn to the doctor to try to get something for her coughing that is keeping her up all night. The doctor said that they don't do that anymore, that they think it best to let them cough it out. I agree to an extent but think a night's sleep would be good, too, even if only for one night!

An Excellent Day

I found a 14 inch girl's bike by a dumpster and went to Walmart and got it a new back tire and inner tube, some training wheels and some tassels for the handgrips, and Jessalynn has a bike. :-) After school I spent the afternoon outside with her teaching her to ride. The neighborhood kids saw us out there and they all came out on their bikes so we had quite a circus going. Jessalynn did very well and was soooo cute riding her bike!! I had a great time although I am one worn out grandma right now!!! Jessalynn wants me to take her and Jenise to the park as soon as we can with both their bikes. Maybe Wednesday since it might rain tomorrow and Jessica has a four pm doctor appointment.
I got my MRSA site going again with a new article and have received a couple of comments on the site and some emails. It feels good to be involved in something like that again. I am thinking about finding another cause to champion but it won't be politics this time!
I have three new houseplants that I have adopted and they are all doing nicely and keeping me company. It feels good to be growing things again, too.
Overall, a pretty decent day!

Saturday Afternoon

I had the longest, strangest dream, likely because I slept with a Nicotine patch on. In the dream I was at a Renaissance Festival being help by John Henry in the Loess Hills. All the Meeting people were there, but they were nice for the first time in my dreams, and there were kids running around of different races, I had Winnie with me, there, too. But the weirdest thing was that in the dream I visited a huge woman confined to her bed who I knew but didn't really remember. She had a clear tub at the head of her bed and I looked in it and saw a tiny, incredibly ugly, baby, about six inches long crawling around with a small, yellow and black winged bug. It turned and said something incredibly intelligent to me and I asked the mother how old it was. She said the it was a year old and then pulled out a clear covered box containing a round hairy bug about three inches diameter and told me that it was the baby's father, (the one with the baby was a friend of the father) that he was a computer bug, and she had become impregnated by being on the Internet too much. I just said, Oh, accepting this while reminding myself to not be on the Internet so much, and continued to visit until the woman wet the bed and I got a little damp sitting next to her. I stood so she could change herself, after turning down my offer to help, and I went back to the Fair.
I received an email from Lindsey today telling me that she hoped that I got back together with her mother soon since she says her mom really needs me right now. I didn't tell her anything and have no clue what her mother told her, and have no idea what, if anything, to say in return. I will likely for now avoid the subject except that Lindsey's email says that she is going to call me today and I'm not sure how I will handle any questions she asks, her guardian angels will surely guide me...
I was allowed to sleep very late today and woke still feeling pretty punked out but hope it is due to the antibiotics working. It took me a couple of hours to get out of bed, my neck was very sore when I woke, but Jessica called and made me laugh a little and encouraged me to go through the getting out of bed process so here I am, risking pregnancy from an Internet bug...
Jeremy will go to work at five today and at that time I will take Jessalynn to Jessica's and perhaps we will go do a little shopping since we are out of milk and I need some sugar free candy. Jeremy is working up front today so he should be home at a decent hour and last night was my last time to drive Kirk to Council Bluffs, thank God. Not that he was at all unpleasant company for the drive, but the drive was definitely hurting me and my car so late and far every night.

Guilty

Since leaving the hospital I tell no one who attacked me. I saw the horror and even tears in the eyes of those thinking of their own mothers being beaten thus by thier own, and wish it no more, but then, when I simply say that I was assaulted, I too often hear, as the woman at the gas station said, "Oh No! Tell me the person who did this is behind bars where they can't hurt anyone else!" I say a simple, sad, No, guilty that this is true, and keep my reasons, right or wrong, to myself.

Tuesday, a better day

Life is getting back to what we call normal. I am getting around OK and have plenty of loving support.
The only really difficult thing is that Kirk still needs a ride after work to Council Bluffs until Friday, and that is a fifty mile drive in the middle of the night. But he says he will have arrangements by next week. They have found someone in Carter Lake who will take them in this weekend who has a car and also goes to the Methadone Clinic. I don't know how long they will last there, they lasted longer here than anywhere I know of, but they have a place for now if this goes through. I told Kirk that the Steven's Center takes in couples and helps them get set up if they are willing to work and stay drug free and he says they will go there if the thing in Carter Lake doesn't work out.
Jess is looking very pregnant, in her ninth month! and we are very excited anticipating Jasmine's arrival on October thirteenth. We worry about Jessalynn because she is so easily jealous of her mother's or my attention, but we will be extra, extra careful to show her how very much she is loved. The other day I was asking her about her friend, Ania's parents, and when Jessalynn said that they were both dead I said how terrible that was for her. Jessalynn teared up and said, "It sounds like you wish you were her mother. Do you love Ania more than me now??" Such silly, tragic, questions!!! I assured her that I loved her and told her that I thought it was just sad for any child who had no mommy and daddy.
So life goes on all around me forcing me back into it. I admit I had a bad time alone here last night after Jessica left before Jeremy came home, but if that happens tonight I'll go to Jeanette's until Jeremy gets off.
Last night I kept thinking I heard someone breaking in. I've never been afraid alone at home before! At one point I heard a loud noise in the living room and drug out one of Jeremy's swords even though I could barely lift it. It was just the cats playing and they had knocked over a vase.
When Jeremy and I finally got home after picking him up and taking Kirk to CB, Jeremy fixed me a TV dinner and said I fell asleep with my hand in the mashed potatoes. I was tired all day but too frightened alone here to sleep.
Then this morning I almost didn't get up to take Jessalynn to school. I laid here after the clock went off thinking I couldn't possibly get out of bed. I went through everyone I could think of and couldn't think of any one to call and was about to call Jess and say Jessalynn would have to miss school when I forced myself up and took her to school. When I got home I laid down by Jeremy and slept until noon, laid there drowsing a bit, until the sound of close gunfire came through the open window. Shortly after, the building was surrounded with police. I left as little later to take Jess to pay some bills and stopped and spoke to a female police officer. I told her we had heard the shot and she took down my name etc. and told me that the man in apartment ten had been shot in the leg. I asked if it was safe here for Jessalynn after school and she assured me it was.
I called Jeremy while I was waiting to pick up Jessalynn from school and he told me that the man who had been shot was a very bad man himself with a reputation for messing with young boys and threatening the neighbors and that he likely deserved to be shot. I was just outside with Jessalynn and stopped to talk to some of the neighbors who also said that he ws a very bad person. He's sitting out front right now so everyone has their kids away from him.
We hope he moves away!!!!!
I'm not deleting what I wrote in here since IT happened even though some of it was terrible. It actually felt cleansing to say some of what I have held in all these years. The horrified reactions tell me that I have lived through really terrible things, actual torture, and am very luck to be sane. I am thinking about writing all of it. I used to think about writing a book about my life with an addicted daughter titled "All She's Cracked Up to Be". The title sounds cruel, but I know there are thousands of mothers like me trying to turn their addicted daughters back into the princesses they thought they would be and finding that their little princess just isn't in there any more and will very likely never return. I have been heartened by Jami's clean up since April but can feel the pull the world of drugs still has on her. When she said last week that she would like to maybe do some drugs on the weekends once in a while after the baby is born is when I realized how very far she is from being out of it for good.

The Grief

It is hitting me hard. Gut wrenching, screaming grief to lose Jami again. Jeanette said yesterday that she knew I would be feeling like someone had died and the numbness hadn't worn off yet or something so I didn't know what she was talking about. But here it is. The horrible pity for Jami and sorrow for the little bit of time we have had. Three years.
But they weren't real. Not as long as she can still spew such terrible accusations at me like she really believes them. She does. There is deep hatred there for figments of her own imagination from being "thrown out at sixteen" to saying I was taking advantage of her now or favoring her sisters.
There is deep hatred there for her to beat me down like that.
It's not just her mental illness. It is the things her mental illness has perceived falsely all of her life. She never feels loved enough by anyone. Always insanely jealous of everyone's attention. Always blaming everyone else for her hateful behavior instead of her illness.
I cry for her feeling alone out there even though I know she still has Kirk. She knows he is only there because of a perverse love for her that takes her abuse daily so she never feels secure of even him and torments both of them with her jealousy and rage constantly driving him away and pleading for him to return.
I've tried so hard for the last three years to show her that I would always be there for her to the point that I have often come very close to losing everything in my own life. And my life itself.
I feel like I failed. I did. I couldn't take her craziness that one last time. Too sick. Too exhausted. I let her down.
I let myself down.

A rough Couple of Days

Yesterday I woke with a headache that just kept getting worse as the day went on, no matter what I tried, everything from Tylenol to Fiurocet. Jeremy went to work in the evening and Jeanette came over and stayed with me for a while, I don't like to be alone quite yet, and she was going to take me to an ER, but it was almost time for Jeremy to get home and I wanted her to go home to her kids, so I told her I would be fine until Jeremy got here. I was out of my mind with pain by the time he got home shortly after. He took me to Methodist Hospital where they immediately gave me a shot for pain. I told them that I had been sick for about a week before the injury that put me in the neck brace but they still were more interested in what had happened than my illness. I told the admitting nurse what all had happened and they put me in a darkened room to wait to do a brain scan. I had an ice pack over my face and I heard a male voice announcing he was officer so and so and I said Oh no and he replied Oh yes. He grilled me about my injuries and the police report that Dr. Gold had filed and went on and on about me giving them Jami's address and filing a formal complaint so they could go arrest her. I said I couldn't do that because she was pregnant and I couldn't be responsible for her miscarrying if she went to jail and was withdrawn off of the Methadone incorrectly there again, and that I didn't want to go through facing her in court either. He then insisted I file a Restraining Order so she could be picked up immediately if she came near me again and I said that Didn't there have to be three attacks for a Restraining Order? and he said No, do it. I had already promised Jeanette that I would, so I am going to when I feel a little better.
The brain scan showed no permanent looking damage, just small contusions, so I was given more pain meds and antibiotics for a sinus/upper respiratory infection, I was sick a week before IT happened, and they let me go home at two am.
Jeremy was off work today and I went into convulsions several times, begging to die, frightening him and Jeanette who was calling all day. After three doses of the antibiotics I slept naturally for several hours and woke feeling a little better. Jeremy made me some steamed vegetables and I kept them down, the first food I have kept in me for four days.
I must say, I do like the weight loss I have experienced.
But I know I am severely depressed and will call my psychiatrist tomorrow morning. I kept dreaming that I woke up and the apartment was all furnished different and I went looking for Jeremy and when I found him he couldn't hear me or see me. In a couple of the dreams he walked right through me.
I'm not suicidal but seem to have to fight for the desire to live. I can't shake the feeling that I wlll never be the same as the day before and can't imagine a life of less. It took me sooooo long to accept that I was disabled at all and that my back injury would never heal. I haven't ever really felt how old I am until now. Nor have I ever been so aware of how helpless I really am. Even though I knew it would likely hurt me later, I still thought that if I was ever attacked that I would still have adrenalin strength to do whatever was necessary to survive. Knowing now for a fact that that is far, far from true has changed me. I am constantly afraid now. When I walk outside I look at everyone and think They could kill me. It is not a pretty life.

Oh No...

I really blathered on in here about the past, reliving it as I wrote, and a lot of feelings I had at the time came out all too clearly and I hurt someone very dear to me, which is our Mikey, who read the blog and was horrified. For my friends who follow this blog through MyBlogLog and don't know, I want to stress here that I love Mikey very, very, much and hold no grudges no matter how bitter I might have been towards him in the past. I would love him just for the wonderful life I know he is giving Joey and Michelle, but it is much more than that. He is an incredibly intelligent, witty, loving, person who had the misfortune to fall in love with my daughter when he was very young. I watched him grow up when he went for survival training in the Air Force shortly after he met Jami ~ I don't think I've ever been prouder of anyone than I was of him when he came home from that the man he was. And yes, I watched him descend into hell and went though several years where I thought of him as a demon from hell. Not ever that he was evil in and of himself, but that he would do evil and allow evil for the love of Jami. Yes, I did accuse him of killing my grandchildren, and I firmly believed it when I said it, and still think the things he allowed during that time damaged my Lindsey for life. I only blamed him more than I do Jami because he himself claimed he would be her Savior, and then let her life be pure Hell. No one is perfect especially if you hold their misdoings up to the light of day, but, even with all I have seen and said about him, I believe Mikey to be one of the finest human beings alive and I would be very lost in this world without his friendship. I can easily say that I would give my life for his.
I hope I said all of that right.
On to the day. It was a very rough morning so I finally called my doctor and told them that I had been assaulted. They told me to come right in and Dr. Gold examined me and said that I had a fractured right collar bone and he believed my neck was actually broken. I asked how that could be when I was walking and talking and was told that was not all that unusual. (Jess told me later about a kid she saw on the news last night who had played a game of football without realizing he had a broken neck.) Dr. Gold wanted to send me by ambulance to get an ultrasound but I refused saying I had to pick up Jess, Jessalynn, and Jeremy first. Good thing I showed up at the Magnetic Imaging place right before it closed because Dr. Gold was there waiting. He himself stayed to read the results and said that I have an incredible amount of arthritis in my neck clouding the image but that I was to wear the neck brace I was fitted with (horroble cursed thing) still as if it were broken and see him next week.
I had no clue I even had arthritis!
He also filed a police report even though I asked him not to. I told him that Jami was already saying it was self defense and that there were no witnesses. He said that beating me down was like beating a newborn infant and would be reguarded that way by the law. He has strength tested me every month for over a year as well as tested my waning muscle tone and knows I couldn't hurt anyone if I wanted to. I said that I knew he was a God fearing man and what about How many times should I forgive my brother? and wasn't forgiveness divine?? He replied that I could forgive all that I wanted, but that such a crime should never go unpunished.
I have no clue how that is going to turn out but it is done whether I like it or not. He feels he can beat any defense Jami gives of self defense even without witnesses, he believes he is my witness.
I have some very dark feelings about it all. I am very ashamed that I don't want Jami here again, not only out of fear, but that I also feel anger. Outrage. That is a blight on my soul. But I also feel a searing pity for her and all she has done to herself and those who love her. I still believe that there is a very sweet person trapped in there that hates the things she does as much as anyone else, and maybe that part of her isn't even able to admit to the other part, thus perpetuating her life of denial. She is so very, very lonely and wants so much to be loved but destroys everyone who gets close to her and then cries because she feel alone and unloved. Yet she is even more complex than having the two sides because she has such a strong survival instinct when you would expect her to finally have to face herself, even to hate herself, like when she lost her chidren. There is something else there, binding it all together, and I actualy have no clue if it is truly good or evil if either.
I am not making sense to even me now. I am tired. I haven't really slept or eaten since IT happened and I am growing weak. Blood pressure was sky high today but that is assumed to be due to pain.
I'll use it now as my excuse for not making a hellova lot of sense.