Inertia at Rest

I think that describes me. I feel frozen in place letting everything fall apart because I should be moving it causing motion .  I have the greatest motivation, the lives of my family,  and I'm standing still.

Write it and Hide it

Ok. I dont like the way this works. I edited a word in this and it republished with today's date but it was written in 2006 or 2007.

Yep. that is what happens to anything I write that I am afraid will offend or piss anyone off by giving my opinions or thoughts. And that is what I think I do in life, too. I think things that never come out of my mouth. At least not towards who I direct them at. Some poor ill mannered woman cut in front of me standing in line at the bank today and I called her a whore and was ready to go a few rounds but she chose to leave. I wasn't even in any kind of a hurry.
I just don't get so many, many things that I let happen to me and say nothing about until I am attacking strangers and indulging in dangerous road rage.
I am a coward. Is that really it?? I think that was true at one time. The last time I came here from Texas I was terrified of my children. Terrified of facing their cruelty and rejection again. It didn't happen. They welcomed me with open arms that I soon learned to trust. But maybe I still had some of that fear. I don't know but somehow I became the ultimate doormat and still am although I like to think for different reasons. I like to think that I am showing them grace under fire, unconditional love and the the Buddhist way or something. The few times I have tried to face one of my daughters down I have quickly abandoned it or ended up in the hospital. Not that Nett or Jess would ever put me in the hospital. Maybe the grave, but not the hospital.
Jeremy and I came here in answer to a plea from Jami who was about to lose her whole world. Our first loss was everything we left behind in Texas, just material things, but all of the things my mother left me and all of Jeremy's past. That stung a little but we had to just understand that the promise to take us to get our things took a back seat to everything else going on. We were stuck here without even a place to stay after working to clean up Mikey's house so he could get the girls back. then Patrick stood up I'm sure from Jess's influence and we went and stayed there until I got my settlement. During that time we starved, I smoked cigarette butts off the ground, Jeremy stole food and got caught three times so he can't get a decent job now because of that on his record. We walked over ten miles a day for weeks getting our medical help set up with General Assistance and DHS and started getting bus passes from GA. We got bikes for trips to the store or anywhere we wanted to go after I couldn't walk any more and then I fell and couldn't ride either so we walked miles and miles. Jami couldn't help us. She was homeless herself on the streets in Council Bluffs with a bad addiction problem. Jeremy and I would take the bus there every weekend and track her down to check on her. She who had the least at that time did the most for us even if she had to steal to get me real cigarettes and food. I don't ever forget that no matter what has happened between us and turn a deaf ear to everyone when I buy her cigarettes and pass her a few bucks when I can. Patrick's was just a place to sleep. We bought or stole us all food when they couldn't and watched them smoke and bring in fast food when they were doing good. Jess bought me two packs of cigarettes during that eight months or so. i didn't contact Nett when I got to town and no one else told her we were here either. the last two times I had been in Omaha had been terrible with her and Rob. they believed every lie Mike told about me and worse and when we came here to see Jenise after she was born Jeremy had to demand they pick us up at the bus station and take us to a hotel where we rotted. Jess brought us spaghetti once. We didn't even have a fork but were so hungry we ate with our fingers. Jami saved us at the last minute before we were about to hop a freight to get back to Houston after living in the park. I can hardly believe Jeremy ever came back here with me but that is the beauty of him. He was terrified for me to be here alone with them.
Then things changed. I got my disability settlement of about $27,000. Then we were people again. We rented a house and when Patrick came having trouble not long after were able to repay him for giving us a place to sleep and gave him about a thousand dollars. We paid Nett and Rob's bills one month, gave them a thousand dollars for a wedding present the next, and then Rob asked to borrow $1800. for recording equipment that turned into $2200. and we did that, too. Jess was miserable with Patrick so we went and moved her and Jessalynn in with us rent free for over a year. I gave her a choice of the upstairs or the basement and she chose the basement apartment and lived down there like a mole with all her trash piling up outside her room until the basement was full of it and her dog shit everywhere so the house smelt like a zoo but I was already in say nothing mode. Jeremy did all of the cooking and cleaning because by this time I was in a wheel chair with a herniated disc. We bought a junker car and became the transportation for the house. I paid the rent up for four months at a time to be sure we had a home. Jeremy didn't get a job either for the first four years. We just ate up my settlement pretty fast. We found Jami and Kirk and put them in a hotel until we found an apartment for them and furnished it with what they needed. Jeremy got a job and got Kirk on with him but I don't think they were ever able to pay their rent with their drug addiction that I was still pretty clueless about how bad it was. I thought I could save them both. Jeanette and Rob were both working. Had a nice house, two new cars, fully extended credit cards and informed me that I would never get paid back for the recording equipment. Instead I went and babysat for them every day so they could make money. Watched them buy new clothes, movies, $3. a loaf breads, and drive their new cars. I did try to ask for my money back once and Jeanette got angry and I backed off and never mentioned it again.
It wasn't long before the money was gone. Jess got approved for section 8 housing and moved into a very nice townhome.

November 8, 2020

I am amazed at the weather, sitting outside in a tee shirt in November,  thank you global warming I guess, but it will freeze tomorrow night so i am bringing in my plants today. I got a 4 ft fluorescent light that I hope will keep them alive thru winter as although I dont think it will grow vegetables like I was hoping to this winter. That would require a real grow light that I cant afford.

Money is tight to put it lightly. Jeremy is getting a small amount of unemployment that helps but that will run out before long. I am very afraid for him to go back to work.  Covid is a worry for everyone this year but we live in a "hot spot" getting hotter by the day. And he is careless even when he is being careful. I barely trust him to go to the store safely. It is very hard to get him to take anything seriously and then add to that that his very nature is careless. He doesn't see Possible Consequence. He will put a drill with the bit still in it on a high shelf with the cord hanging down and then get upset if I say it is dangerously placed. That's just one example. I thought I could teach him but after years of things like this I had to realize that he just Doesn't See possible Consequence so I am hyper vigilant with him. Then came Covid. I went shopping with him many times watching him touch everything he looked at, reminding him that that was dangerous,  before he began to be a little more cautious but I still have to worry what he is like shopping without me. As my health has deteriorated I have had to trust him to do the shopping more and more and it is terrifying. I watch and too often still have to remind him to even wash his hands when he comes home. I know I will have to figure out how to isolate him from the family if he returns to working outside the home. S ok I as m trying to figure out how to survive on just my income. 

It may not be possible.

Right now I have been driving my car without plates for over a year and Jeremy's plates have been expired for months. Neither of us have a spare tire and Jeremy's car barely runs. We have a disconnect on the gas and water that is over 600. We had a little cushion that I hoped to get a vehicle legal with but we spent it trying to save Kiras cat. We were visiting Jessalynn in Lincoln on weekends but I have been afraid to without a spare tire the last month. Before Tiggy got sick I always had at least 200 in the bank that I could buy a tire and/or get a tow with. 

A bright spot.  I've started connecting with Kirk's mother, Dolly, who turns out to be someone I can actually talk to, someone who lives a similar life and understands. It actually helps a lot. It is also an added worry,  adding someone to my life who I might lose and grieve the loss of. But I believe she is worth that risk, and I believe she is equally happy to have someone who understands Her life.

Thank you, Dolly Mundell.

My Brother Michael

There is a book with that title, I believe written by Mary Stewart. This is not that.

A few days ago Mike messaged me that his wife had left him. I am stunned how much i hurt for him. Not surprised, I expect to feel any pain that he feels because I love him. It's the magnitude of what I feel that startles me. I can't go to him but I am so much already with him that the pain is stifling.  We are not close, haven't been for 18 years. He, in fact, has hurt me more than anyone in my life, and my heart aches for him. 

Tiggy in Kitty Heaven

Kira's Tiggy died at 2:30pm yesterday. 😭

We noticed Toggy wasn't acting right Saturday. When he was no better Sunday I started calling emergency vets, of course this happened on a weekend! Jami came and took Jeremy and Tiggy to the vet. They wanted $4000 to hospitalize him for suspected urinary obstruction and we didn't  have it and didn't qualify for credit needed so they drained his bladder and sent him home with meds. I really still thought we could save him!! He was given amoxicillin,  an antispasmotic for his urethra and pain medication. Just that was $700! Jami chipped in 300 of that which left us about 200 to find fellow up care. He was able to drink, got up a couple of times and drank and drank. He didn't use the box but peed himself in his bed many times so I thought the blockage was fixed and maybe the sedating meds were why he was lethargic and not using his box. He was no better Monday.  We started using a kid med tube to give him condensed milk which he seemed to like. I called vets and couldn't find any that could see him before Thursday besides the overpriced vet ER's. 

Yesterday morning he was much weaker, he had to struggle to even stand. By noon I was pretty sure he was actively dying. He was breathing slow and shallow and felt stiff, maybe from pain? Jeremy and I spent 2 hours holding and trying to save him. Gave him some pedialyte which picked up his heart rate but at this point I was worried that we were just extending his misery. We decided to give him his last dose of pain meds when we gave up saving him. His pupils were still refracting but I don't think he could see any more. Kira came down and I told her it was time to say good by. She sat and held him a few minutes but couldn't take it so Jeremy took him back and held him while he died. Both of us were crying, crying for our Tiggy and for the pain Kira was in. 

I went upstairs to tell Kira he was gone, she knew as soon as she saw me because I never climb those stairs anymore.  We sobbed together and then she asked to be alone so I left her. 

Jeremy and i still took turns holding him, just couldn't let go yet. He found a box and we gently put Tiggy in arranging him comfortable on a bath towel. I called Jami while Jeremy went to dig a grave. He even built a wood cross with Tiggy carved on it. Then Kira came down and asked if he could be cremated and I readily agreed. Anything to make this easier for her!! 

And it did make her feel a Lot better. I called a pet crematorium and made the arrangements and we took him there. 

When I was showing Kira a picture of the ash container she saw the process and started crying harder, saying she felt terrible at all the money we were spending trying to save and then cremating Tiggy. I held her tight and assured her that we all believed that Tiggy was worth every penny and for her to never think about that part again! 

We are a house of grief. 

I am haunted with wondering if I could have done more to save him and wondering if we should have just  put him down. I'm sure he suffered these last days even with the pain meds. 

I am also ANGRY thinking that maybe if I had that $4,000 to hospitalize him if he would still be here. ANGRY that poverty can decide life and death. ANGRY that there are probably people who have lost people fir the same reason. 

I would have gladly paid the $4,000 if I had it. Even if we sold everything we own we wouldn't have $4,000. 

If we weren't in a pandemic out of control Jeremy would still be working and we could have saved Tiggy. 

We love you Tigger!!

Editing

So if I go back and edit a post it reposts with the current date??!

That Sucks.

My Cousin Michelle

I just mailed a letter to Michelle in Wisconsin. I sincerely hope we can Really connect. We share the distinction of being the family Black Sheep. That alone should help bond us!! We both also seem to really need someone in our lived. That is most likely what will join us.

I remember Shelly being the favorite of the grandparents but I don't remember resenting her for it like her sister and others did. I happened to agree with Grandma that Shelly was awesome, and definitely the most beautiful of all of us!! 

I didn't see her a lot over the years,  mostly heard gossip from our self righteous family and she likely heard the gossips about me. I tried to connect with her after Steve and I split up but the Mike cut me completely off from the Kiser family for over 10 years and I lost her again. 

Maybe we will meet and dislike each other. But maybe we will be exactly what we each need to finish our lives.

We have decided to start with old fashioned letter writing, something we both enjoy and actually remember how to do! But ultimately I plan to see her. I consider flying her here but with my household I'm thinking I should try to get to her. It would be just Us there. She doesn't have a car. I will have to arrange a flight and then transportation once there but I am looking into it. 

My oh so very dependent household will have to figure out how to survive, something I try to get them to at least consider with my age and health failing.  Perhaps it will be their reality check. 

I want to see Michelle❣❣

September 13, 2020

Jeremy and I went to Lincoln to take Jessalynn some of her winter things and visit. We stopped at Buckeys for gas and drinks and walking out of the store I fell in the parking lot. Fell Hard. People came running and I couldn't get up so I laid there and screamed for Jeremy who was pumping gas. He picked me up assuring everyone he could take care of me while a woman started to pick up the spilled drink and things that scattered everywhere. I went down on my left side, felt like my knee and elbow were bleeding, my ankles were twisted, everything hurt!! Jeremy put me in the passenger seat and went in to get me a fresh drink while I struggled to get in the driver's seat. That caused exactly the blow out I expected but I could in no way picture riding with Jeremy driving!! Everyone who has ridden with him or viewed one of his totaled cars would understand that even if they didn't agree in this instance. I sat my ground.  Let him tell and kick the car until he eore out and got in the car. Then it started again when I declared I was still headed to Lincoln. Yes, I'm very stubborn. Dusnt even argue that point!! I tested my legs and feet and found I could still work the clutch, brakes and gas and I headed to Lincoln.

One reason I did was the fear that the next day would be the worst. Sometimes after an accident the next 4 days are actually progressively the worst.

And I wanted to see Jessalynn. 

Painful, but it was a good trip. I couldn't get inside to their dorms but Jessalynn and Brandon came down. She went through the tub of winter things we brought and selected what she needed and then we took them for dinner. Went to a place called Schumacher's they had been to with Brandon's dad, I th iij nk maybe we found our Lincoln restaurant! and then i drove us to Walmart and Jeremy took the kids in to get supplies to last till our next visit. 

It is always just a Joy to spend time with Jessalynn and Brandon!!!

While we were waiting for our food at Schumacher's I got a surprise call from Cousin Michelle. I had found an old Facebook page of hers last week and messaged that I would love to see her, didn't really expect a response, and she video calked!!!! I would answer Very Few calls while with the kids but knew I Had to take this one!! Michelle was So excited to be in touch!! We only spoke a few minutes but she told me she is all alone in this world in Wisconsin, disowned and abandoned by our family, that she tried to hang herself recently and Really needed Someone. I told her I would call when I got back to Omaha.

We connected around 10 pm. 

Michelle and I have spent very little of our adult lives together or even in touch. Even as we were kids growing up we seldom saw each other. We would both be at Grandma's in Kansas for some holidays and we both spent a summer there when I was 11 but that was pretty much it. Once when my family lived in Santa Maria and her family was also in California they came to visit for a day. All I remember of that is seeing pictures of all of us playing in the back yard.

Funny, I Felt much closer than to my cousins! I thought about them all the time, eavesdropped on any conversations about their family. I always thought Aunt Bonnie was one of the most beautiful women I knew and she was clearly my father's favorite sibling. Aunt Bonnie has 5 kids one after the other and the 2 girls were only 2 and 3 years younger than me. I always dreamed of having a sister so Michelle and Cindy were often my imaginary sisters.

Foxes

A couple of months ago I saw a fox for the first time. It ran across Ames Street one day in front of the car. I was glad Jeremy was with me and saw it, too, or I might have thought I imagined it!! After over 30 years in the midwest and almost 10 years on the farm I never saw a fox before. Then last week I saw another one run across Military Road coming home from Lincoln with Jessica. How odd!! They were both running very fast and just beautiful. I've heard that the Covid restrictions we live under has positively affected the environment and wildlife so I wonder if it has anything to do with these sightings??

Tues September 8, 2020

Our first cold day. Its welcome after some pretty intense heat but a chilly reminder that Winter Is Coming. 

It seems like there haven't been many real winters since I lived on the farm.  They were more intense because of our isolation but I believe they were actually much colder,  too. I remember blizzards in May and September and mountains of snow and every year I think maybe this one will be bad like those. 

I love fall. Have always loved fall.  In Texas it was always so welcoming after the blistering heat of summer. I would feel almost euphoric every autumn. After we moved to th he midwest I learned to appreciate the spring,  that first day above freezing and then the beauty of everything coming back to life but fall is still my favorite. 

And maybe,  maybe this year we'll have a Real winter again.

August 26, 2020

Nine AM and it's a beautiful morning,  sunny and 70 degrees, birds and insects chirping, leaves gently rustling in a little breeze, no human voices, a great morning to be alive. 

All my life I've taken mental snapshots of life trying to burn them into my memory. Now in my old age what I remember is that effort, but most of the snapshots content are gone. It makes me sad but then I realize that I at least know that I had a lot of magic moments, that I have more memories of wanting to remember than wanting to forget. The fine details might be gone but I know I've had a good life. 

What is odd to me is that if I sit and tell someone my life story, if I honestly tell the events of my life, most people believe they are hearing a sad story. I see pity and even horror in their response. Maybe I'm just a poor story teller.  Maybe clouds just have more impact than silver linings. Maybe I'm just delusional that I have had a good life. 

I stopped telling my story years ago except in bits and pieces to the grandchildren and in journals like this. However my story is perceived I have to say that the little things, like feeling the magic of a beautiful morning, should convey a beautiful life that I am thankful for.

Back to School

Jessalynn's classes started Monday and Jazz and Kira started remote school today. I saw the little girl ett old a little while ago and they said they were having a good time, Jazz even said it was fun. 😁

I've made three trips to Lincoln getting Jessalynn set up. I believe she and Brandon will be fine on campus. Well, I still worry about Covid exposure there,  but they seem fine and excited to get in their college setting. It makes a HUGE difference that they are together there.

I've been messaging Joey. She starts college next week and will be much farther from home and doesn't know anyone else going there but she says she is very excited about going. Her father and siblings are helping her move so at least she isn't driving up there alone. She is the one I am most worried about! But I have a Lot of faith in her.

So, here's to a brand new school year!!

Jessalynn to UNL

 Yesterday we took Jessalynn to move into Harper Hall at UNL. Jessalynn rode with Pat and Jessica rode with me and both cars were full of all the things we could think of that she might need for her new life. My emotions and thought were overwhelming. First, just bursting pride that this amazing granddaughter was starting college, was about to live a dream she had held and worked for all her young life. My joy for her brought tears to my eyes along with the heartache that she was going away from me. Not just physically, but she was going on to a stage of her life that I had no experience in, going places I too had dreamed of but never reached. The positive evolution of our family. She is leading where I hope all my grandchildren will follow. 

I would be afraid for her under any circumstances going off on her own but Covid adds that extra fear that I can't even grasp, don't want to have to. Yes, a part of me hoped college would be delayed for the pandemic danger but I also didn't want to face her disappointment if Covid crushed her dreams. I had to pray that colleges would open and that she would be safe, bulletproof, like many idiotic leaders claim young people are. 

I am so very thankful I lived to see this day. 

This Morning

It is a beautiful morning. Sunny but breezy and still very comfortable in the shade. One o those mornings that makes Everything feel possible. 

My New Family Dynamic

Family has  been my whole world. I have considered many family who I e had to discard, some drifted away, and some joined my family rising to become Some of the Best.

Rob was my family all his teen years and into adulthood but I lost him when he got lost in meth. Hr hurt me deeply during his drug years, as deeply as anyone has ever hurt me. When he said it was over I held back for years watching him. Making sure. Many people have claimed to be off drugs  but actually only hid it better. When I first started seeing his girlfriend Tiff at school functions for our kids I stood back and just watched. Her son Jet is the same age/grade as Kira and Jazz. I started making sure I stood near her at school functions, at first to eavesdrop on her interactions with others and then I slowly started speaking to her. Jeanette noticed and I told her I was just doing it to get a reaction out of Rob to not be labeled a traitor talking to the ex's girl and it was actually the truth. 
Tiffany didn't rebuff me at All. For a couple of years we would talk about whatever the kids were doing and I had to throw out my old prejudiced to really see who I was talking to. She was a very involved and loving mother to Jet. She also constantly expressed interest in not only Robs children but also mine, his nieces. After a few years of this I started greeting Rob when he came to school functions too. This was hard for me at first and a little fake. What I saw in Rob was a huge relief that I was being friendly and an almost desperate searching for the huge love I had for him Before. We used to say "fake it till you make it" in salesmanship. I remember the day I realized I was no longer faking a connection with Rob. We were at a trampoline place for a kids party and I said something about shoveling my driveway and Rob said, "Hey!I'll still come shovel for you anytime!" And the wall I had erected so I couldnt feel the love we had before started to crumble a little.
After that all pretense was gone, I knew I truly was starting to care for him again. Tiffany was just too good to be true to me. (Oh wow. 2025, I knit tour was absolutely Not True!! Scheming Bitch!!) I struggled accepting who she seemed to be for another year but she kept pushing through all my preconceived notions about her and I started wondering if she might actually be ok. (2025 - She WASN'T/ISN'T!)
Jeanette never really warmed up to Tiff but even she admitted many times that she felt that Tiff was good for her kids. She even stated once that Tiffany was the reason she trusted her children visiting their father. (2025 - We bitterly laughed about this last week!)
Then this BOMB exploded  between Jeanette and Jenise last March. It blew up our whole family as it relates to Jeanette.  I was told to get Jenise and keep her. I told Jeanette that instead I had called Rob and Tiff to step in because, well I'm sick and old. I asked Jeanette if that was ok and she didnt respond but I assumed it was ok with her. (2025 - NEVER ASSUME!) Just three months ago Jeanette had sent the kids to Rob and Tiff for Christmas stating she and David couldnt afford to give them Christmas. Rob and Tiff stepped in and did magnificently by the kids.
Now, Rob, Tiff and I have been lumped together and vilified by Jeanette publicly for Months, and Vilified isn't nearly stong enough a word for it!!
It has been one of the worst experiences of my life an I have no clue how to fix it because I'm not sure exactly what I did wrong. 

Rob and Tiff still have Jenise and she is doing ok.

2020 Fourth of July

This year we had to break our family tradition of going to Ralston for the Fourth because it and most other celebrations were canceled because of Covid19. Our neighbor Martel had our street closed for a block party with a bouncy house, he even rented a porta potty for this! We were invited but didnt really join them, mostly because I know that the women on our block dont care for us. (Sadly it feels like this is because of racism.) Jeremy bought a lot of fireworks and Jessalynn, Brandon, Jenise and Victoria joined us and we made a big barbecue dinner. The firework show we all put on was pretty spectacular! All of north Omaha shot thousands of dollars into the sky until it was so smokey you could barely see a block away. The firework stands made record breaking sales this year because the big shows were canceled. I felt a little choked up looking around us and seeing huge fireworks lighting the sky in all directions, feeling like a part of one huge joint celebration all United to make a magical night for this Fourth!
I felt bad that I didn't participate in the Monopoly game going on before and after the fireworks but I was pretty much incapacitated from the preparation for the party. I got up yesterday and mowed the 2 foot hogh lawn and I made the potato salad and ended up barely able to walk. After the fireworks my feet fell asleep while I was walking around, which has never happened before and I was dizzy and nauseated. All day I jeptcfeeling my lips and hands going numb, I dont believe I am able to move the lawn any more, I shouldn't have yesterday, but it was really sweet because when Jessalynn heard that I had she insisted that I never try to do it again and said that she or Brandon would come and do it from now on. The thing is that Jeremy should really take care of things like this but often I'd rather do things myself than deal with his attitude if I ask him.
Anyway, it was a pretty special night. We were forced to celebrate at home because of the pandemic but the silver lining was that it in no way diminished the feeling of family, unity and pride of this holiday. 

An out of Time and Space feeling

I doubt I titled this correctly.
All my life I experienced the feeling that I knew things that I had never been taught. This feeling started when I was just eight years old, got stronger as I grew up and then started fading the last twenty years until I almost completely forgot about it. Just very rarely I am reminded that I ever felt that way. Like today.
I was watching a Netflix special on Bob Lazar and he was drawing and explaining element 1115. When he started illustrating and explaining how the element is made I realized that I knew what he would say and draw next and I was 100% correct. I froze and Then realized that I used to feel this way all the time. Deja vu. It spooked me and in that moment I couldn't believe that i had forgotten the feeling, that i had ever felt that way. I don't remember anything specific, I just know that for most of my life this was a part of me. When I was a teenager I was very vocal about it. I remember at times thinking that people should think I was crazy for the things I said but that instead they Listened, believed, and were sometimes afraid of what I said.
Somehow, along with my ability to express myself in writing, these episodes went away. I don't doubt that it was real and I feel like understanding what IT was and why it went away is just out of my grasp.
Maybe it is just the fading mind from aging.  Surely that has something to do with it.  But I have no understanding of why I ever experienced these things at all.
With today's Episode coming from something scientific makes mr wonder if my father's connection to the space program is somehow involved like it's something inherent or related to growing up around this kind of science.
But I shouldn't have had any understanding of Element 115.
I have grieved for my writing muse. It was gone for years before I even noticed, which seems odd, but I just today realized that this part of me is also gone. It makes me wonder if I had a purpose I didn't fulfill so it was all taken away. Or maybe it was just Use It Or Lose It. I know that when i changed drastically, the year after Steve and i split up, i became so wrapped up in that experience that i almost lost my sanity. There was no room for the part of me that dreamed and imagined of intangible things. I became a dreary, earth bound creature living in an unbearable NOW. I am a completely different person and again, didn't even realize this had happened for years.
Just very rarely do I have an experience like I did today that makes me aware that I lost Who I was before 2001.
I was a deeply spiritual yet scientific, creative free thinking person before. I often feel that who I was died and that I am a shell of that person going through the motions to finish the earthly things that I have to before my body dies.
I've laughed once or twice in the last 20 years but sadly at the other end I have cried a lot. Grief and sorrow still exist. I also have grieved for my connection to God, to spirituality. I remember feeling so strongly that it felt like I would burst into a ball of light.
Now I struggle to say I believe in anything intangible at all.
I was fascinated studying the pineal gland a few years ago. Played with the idea that my Lost Self was caused by this access point collapsing and still wonder if anything of my Self could return if I could reactivate the gland.
But then, these days, I will forget I was even considering trying this before I even start. My memory issues are so severe that I will read something I write like this a month later and have no idea of the thoughts behind it, maybe even destroy it because it sounds "crazy".
But right now in this moment I know that this is/was very real.
I like to think that if I lost who I was because I failed to accomplish what I was supposed to, if i truly failed at my mission as a human, that it was taken from me and given to someone else to complete. Maybe something I shared of these things was followed through by a listener, maybe I didn't totally fail to use the gifts I was given. Maybe I didnt fail at all, maybe i was always meant to just be the hyphen mark in the conversation.
Mucu more comforting than believing that i failed.

Symptoms undiagnosed and troubling

Fullness upper left abdomen beginning approximately one year ago and then sharp pain just below the ribs that was intermittent and is now constant. The pain is both deep and shallow and is worse when laying on my right side.
Sharp intermittent pain in knees radiating to focal points in the outer thigh. Also very sharp pain in both hips.
Not totally undiagnosed but new, a light and fairly constant wheeze in lungs.
Arrhythmia that is uncomfortable but not painful, mostly in the evening.
Racing pulse with any exertion.
Nausea. Numbness in the pads of my feet. This week, very localized pain in the solar plexus that radiates to the navel.
Severe head pain that burns in the forehead and at the base of ny skull. Not constant, most likely in the evening, sometimes so severe that I feel paralyzed occasionally experienced with an out of body sensation.
Maybe all unrelated to each other.
Mental condition: Overly emotional, often experiencing deep regret, occasionally fear, and withdrawal from family. Nightmares. Memory loss that I'd frustrating and at times frightening.
I did see a doctor about the upper left feeling of fullness when it began but nothing was found to cause it. Have had a lower and upper endoscopy last year that showed nothing that would cause any symptoms but I did have teo bleeding ulcers that have healed since discontinuing all NSAIDS.  Have not seen a doctor since everything started escalating because of the Covid19 pandemic.

Jessi and Jami in Texas

The girls left for Texas yesterday so Jess could visit her boyfriend, Josh. I am scared having them so far away and feel just incomplete without them. I wish so badly that I had been able to take them!! Even though there is a good chance they are safer than they would have been traveling with me. Also, when I was dreaming of being able to drive them myself, I was thinking it would be the last time I saw Texas.
I'll probably never go there again. I remember how excited I used to get as I got closer to my home state, how thrilling to pass the skyline of Dallas and then just feel my heart bursting when Houston came into view.
I was born there, lived a third of my life there, but it hasn't been Home since Mom died. Maybe longer.
Nebraska is my home.  I will die here.
But a huge piece of my heart is in Texas right now and I want it back.
Please God bring my girls safely home to me.

Seeing My Mother

When did I start seeing my mom as a person and not just as my mother. I remember a very small beginning on the farm, a flash of insight, quickly gone.
Now I'm pretty sure I have only scratched the surface of who she was. I feel great shame for the years I couldn't/wouldn't? See her.
A lot of even my memory of her as a mother is very, very, muddled. My brothers perception has been at war with mine since Daddy died.
I remember a horrible recording someone made of a fight between her and my brothers. A screaming fight that turned physical. It may have actually started between my brothers, yes, I think it did, and Nom jumped in to help Herbert hitting Mike over the head with a frying pan. Mike had Herb pinned in the bathtub and after Mon hit Mike he grabbed her and pushed her into the tub with Herbert. Then there is an anguished scream from me and the tape abruptly ended.
My anguished cry was "Mamma!!"
That tape, that cry, haunts me to this day.

Turning 62

I am 62 years old today. I dont have much feeling about that. I dont believe I ever thought about or planned to be this age. 

At 30 and 40 and maybe 50 I felt compelled to access myself. Dont feel that so much anymore. 

I am grateful that I am here to take care of everyone in my household and Jessalynn and Jenise.  

I remember feeling like I Must have a purpose on earth, constantly waiting for messages from God or just circumstances that made me feel a Purpose. 

Maybe I fulfilled any purpose I may have had. 

Maybe its time

I'm in a new place today. I've always had some fear of dying. Of ceasing to exist. I've felt an overwhelming fear whenever I've been faced with death. Yet today I almost feel a longing for it. A real exhaustion when I think about continuing to live. All day I have been figuring out how to make sure those I take care of will be taken care of without me here. I have no desire to be alive beyond making sure what is left of my family will survive. There is nothing else I myself desire to do or experience in this life. I dont know how long I have felt this way but it has been coming to this point for a long time.
I know I failed at my main goal in this life, to raise God loving, productive, children. I had a lot more goals when I was young,  but when I passed the age to reach them I told myself that the only real goal in my life was to be a good mother, a good person.
I spent years realizing how far I had missed reaching that goal.
I still have no clue how I managed to fail. The realization that my daughters all actually hated me confused me for years. I still dont really know Why. I just know it really doesnt matter. It just Is.
I've thought that i could just be there for my grandchildren, maybe be something to and for them, that i could continue even as i wondered if i was just raising another generation to hate me. Jessalynn is the only one i believe actually knows and yet loves me. Truly loves me. And that has to be enough. I am humbled and grateful that she is here to give the life I have lived the meaning I wanted it to have.
Maybe we all die wishing there had been more. Why else would we yearn for a Heaven if this life were truly fulfilling?  I dont know.
I've never really considered killing myself. No matter how bad life got, and I have lived through some terrible times! But now, right now, if I can be assured that Kira and Jazz will be ok, that is all I have left to do.
Yes, Jeanettes unending attack probably is what has worn me down to this point, but I was already headed here. With the Emphysema I've expected to have three years left. Even as I felt some relief hearing that I still felt dread and a desire to do all i could in those years. Now I just don't want them at all. I certainly dont want to spend even a second being a helpless invalid within this family in this life, and that is how my three years would end.

Christmas 2011

So, Christmas started out pretty good, largely thanks to Jenny and Target. Jess, Jenny, Jami, Lindsey, and Riz showed up for Christmas morning with Riz and Kirk changing places during the morning. The kids were so excited and happy that I was feeling a little bit good about the holiday after all. I started cooking tempura maybe around noon and made the last batch around 10 pm. Nett got here in the evening but her kids stayed wtih Rob. Jen left early. There was something bad brewing with Jami all day and everyone felt it and the tension got worse and worse all day as people came and went. I took Nett home around nine and things blew out of control shortly after I got home from that. It was a nightmare with Lindsey hiding in the bathroom with the little ones. So it all ended on a terible note and I won't go into the details, we will all remember them well enough or better yet for get them.
Bah humbug.
The wonderful things.
Having Lindsey here for Christmas again.
Seeing Jessalynn thrilled with her Christmas and with the puppy she amd Jaz got.
Thinking about my mother, hearing her voice in my head, while cooking the Tempura.
Watching Kira and Jaz play with their toys all day.
Sharing the best parts of the day with Jenny.
Looking at Jeremy and knowing we worked together for this day.
We all survived.

Little Old Stories

I still handwrite journals although not nearly daily. I'm realizing that it is very unlikely that anyone will ever read them. Especially as my handwriting has deteriorated considerable these last few years. A lot would be illegible even if someone cared enough to try.
Even these likely will never be read even if I leave the website with the passwords for those I will leave behind.
Also, i have been thinking about the stories i have never written anywhere or told anyone. I don't know if they would be useful or mean anything to Anyone after I am gone. And there is a LOT I have never told about that I still remember. None of them are happy stories, but they could be things that could help someone to know.
I leave huge chunks out of my teen years out of stories, some of my childhood, and a smattering of things from my adult life. I'm thinking about putting some on  this Blog somewhere. Wondering if there are still some I can't repeat. Last year I attempted to share one of those stories with Jessalynn and to my surprise and her dismay I couldnt go on after the first few words. I choked and tears came to my eyes and Jessalynn quickly changed the subject to save me. 
God I love her so very, very, much!!!!
I have never expressed to my children or grandchildren that I desired them to grow up and be like me. I wanted them to learn from me and decide to be Better than me. Jessalynn has done this so amazingly. Yes, I believe I have had the opportunity and pleasure of being closer to than any other of my children and grandchildren. I knew we would have an amazing bond when she was just three but it has surpassed everything I ever dreamed of. My only regret with her is that I believe that she will be the most affected by my death. But, then again, she will be best prepared to handle and get over it
I reslly hope that is true!!

Morning

I love sitting outside in the morning, listening to all the birds, feeling the cool breeze left over from the night. A really pretty bird landed right by me this morning, black with a beautiful blue sheen.  It reminds me of mornings on the farm.
I miss the farm still. The simplicity, the beauty, and the feeling of safety even though it really wasn't safe.
I don't think I have felt the joy and peace I often felt there. Only 1 neighbor within a mile of us.
Now we crowd in wherever we can fit and afford. Sad.

Fridays

Jessalynn has made Friday our New Family Day. She came one Friday afternoon and then said it should be a weekly get together so now it is. 😁 We try to socially distance still but today will be our largest group yet. And it's a Tempura Day this time. Less than 10 people in the house but it'll still be more crowded than it should with Covid19.   It will be fun but exhausting.
We'll see what's left of ne tonorrow!!
Yesterday Jeremy and I got a lot of the garden in, happy about that, blistered hands, cuts, aching muscles but hopefully it pays off. 

Body betrayal

I do feel betrayed by my body, I wonder if all old people feel this way. I was always so strong, I felt capable of anything and everything. Almost any question of Can you I would answer Yes.
Struggling to get a garden planted. My house is a wreck as always because i cant keep it up. But i want to cling to this love of mine, growing things, so badly that i walk through the cluttered house and face the sun and earth. And it just kicks my ass. I got the soil turned and ready with Jeremy's help yesterday but went out today to prepare to plant and was in too much pain to drag the soil into rows.
Yes, I'm older, older than my 61 years after always being young for my age. My crooked body betrays me.
I'm not ready to be immobile.  To give up. I Will get a garden in one more year.
And maybe, just maybe, I'll figure out how to overcome this betrayal.
Or at least die trying.
I'm not at all finished with gardening or anything. In my head I still go hiking, chop down trees, fix cars, build things and rule my world.
I must Overcome.
If I planned to have a tombstone that's what it should say. She Overcame the Betrayal.

Later

Life can seem so normal if you dont look too close. Like now, sitting on my porch listening, to, watching it rain,voices of diddtefent neighbors gathered on their porches, too.
And then it hits you again. THERE IS A DEADLY PANDEMIC OUT THERE that is changing the whole world. It just isnt real. Like a movie about the aftermath of WW111 or, get this, a big plague. It's just not real.
Will life ever be "normal " again??
And how normal was our lives?? Five year old me would see the oreoandemiv world itself as really  crazy.
And again, what is that feeling? WHAT AM I MISSING? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE??

May 16,2020

I very seldom know what day or date it is anymore. I hear that's a common thing since the pandemic and quarantines started. I wonder if journaling has also become more common.
I loved hand britten journaling.  The feel of pen on paper, the almost magical flow of words. It's hard to feel that like this, pecking it out on a phone. A laptop was easier to get lost in it but oh well, dont have that now.
Some days I am still stunned to wake up in this New World. A lot of days I have been terrified, that's getting less now, not because it's all less frightening but I'm afraid its because we are getting used to the New World. Add the word Order to that and you have the comments of a million conspiracy theorists.
I know everyone with any contact with others is a threat, including people like me who are careful to avoid going out in public and take crazy precautions when we do. But when a loved one comes over it is almost impossible to treat them the same as we do strangers now. I wonder if everyone is feeling this. I KNOW Jessalynn and Brandon still work in the public and live with families who all have their own levels of risk. Even Jenise,  fiercely guarded by Tiffany,  is still at risk from Rob having to go out to work every day. We keep more distant than before but not six feet and not always wearing masks. When Jenise looks at me longingly and lovingly I HAVE to hug her tight. How many of us will become sick or even die for this love before this is over?
And is THIS ever going to end? It is only logical that Covid19 is not the first and wont be the last threat like this to humanity. Do we cower alone to stay safe from everything forever? What would be the point? We all will die someday, many have extolled over the folly of dying without having Lived.
I have thought too much about my death during this. Terrified of how many could be hurt by me dying. Who will take care of my family plus I'm not nearly done teaching them what I need to. I'm not even through learning what I need to!!
So often, like feeling a word you are trying to remember hovering on the edge of your mind, on the tip of your tongue, i get a fleeting thought that there is Something important that i know, some missing piece of the puzzle, that I can almost grasp and then it slips away so quickly I believe I am imagining it. That sounds crazy. (At least I know that!)
It makes me want to silence the world, just shh and sit and meditate but when I do I find silence.
It's also part of the brain issue(s) I am dealing with. Maybe that's all it is?? In getting old, have White Matter Disease, a little dementia starting maybe.
But I am still very much in here.
Wow, and now I'm rambling.....

A Pretty Awesone Day (in spite of ..)

Jessalynn has declared Friday our family get together day. She and Brandon came the last two weeks and today we included Jenise too. It just felt so beautiful even with all the trauma and trash in other parts of our lives and families.
We played CAH, had dinner,  and then e everyone but me played a couple more games. Wonderful to have the house ringing with young voices and laughter again!! Good move Jessalynn starting this!!

The Jeanette drama continues

I really cant grasp this whole thing. Its sitting like a rock too big and heavy to lift, we can just roll it around and peek under the edges trying to figure out what the hell it is.
I never dreamed this thing with Nett would last this long or go this far. It was like some kind of temporary insanity that's become permanent. All my theories on what caused it or what could fix it have proven to be meaningless or just wrong.
The day Jenise sent me copies  of Jeanettes post about seeing me at Walmart hit me hard. Not just because of the hateful things she wrote, but because there was some part of me that believed still that if Jeanette actually SAW me or even heard my voice that she would remember who I am. What I have been for her and her children.
 Awfully big headed of me, I know,  but also just being a mother. In my defence, I have seen children who were severely abused by a parent who could talk about the abuse and see it for what it was yet be overwhelmed with love for that parent when confronted with them. No, I am not saying Jeanette was ever abused by Steve or me, just making a point. I really thought that she broke all communication with me because she couldnt keep up her lies face to face.
The truth might be that she doesnt think she is lying about anything. That's hard to believe, like her saying she never left her kids with ne to be with John Ways, but I JBIE she believes that because I have confronted her her about it. Like her equally ludicrous claim that she has taken care of me. She really believes these things. So very likely she believes the things she now says about Jenise, me, and everything that has happened lately. She does waver over whose fault this mess is between Jenisr and me,  but in no way can she consider that She could be the problem.
That's terrifying. For everyone involved.

My Household

I don't live in a Happy Home and I doubt anyone in this household is Happy. Good Times have grown so sparse I don't think anyone can name a recent one.
Quarantine has not helped this at all but actually hasn't made it much worse except for Jazzy and Kira. I know they miss at least the part of school where they got to see and be with their friends.  Jazzy awesome even comes out of her room and makes anyone who goes in there feel unwelcome.  I Know she is depressed.
The biggest effect Covid19 had on the kids was the nearly three weeks i was sick and couldn't get tested so I didnt go near the girls.  I can make that better now.  They both want me to resume teaching them at home,  neither of them like taking the online classes offered to them. I just have to pull out of my own funk enough to help them. And I Will.
Jeremy is the biggest source of discord in our home. He has grown increasingly mean and angry the last year and quarantine has definitely made it worse. Not a day goes by that we don't all hear him yelling and cussing about something and we are often treated to him displaying his feelings by punching a wall, slamming doors and stomping around.
His outright hatred if Jess and everything about her has grown intolerable. I tell him yo leave and he doesn't. I've net his mother and stepfather,  I see how he is the worst of both, I've just run out of pity for it. He's had plenty of time to See what has made him what he is and Do something about it. But. Like them, he is sure the problem isn't him but instead is the rest of the world. He's never gotten along well at a job.  Ge did break a record for holding a job working at Ford Storage but he hated it there because they mostly hated him. It does no good to point out to him that if you have similar problems everywhere you go then Tou just might be the problem!!
I just can not keep forcing Jess and the girls to live with this because I used to feel sorry for, even love, him. All the things I once loved about him are just Gone. I tried to tell Jess about what he was like when I met him and she doesn't even believe me. Not that he was ever perfect. There were disgusting things about him I saw from the start. But I, the All Powerful Me, believed he just had never been shown a better way to live, to Be. I Still believe there was Hope when I met him. I Must Have screwed up somehow in trying to help him. Maybe I am at fault for what he has turned into.
Or maybe he would be something far worse without my intervention.
I don't know.  

A Beautiful Spring Day

It is a glorious morning!! Sunny with a nice cool breeze! I'm sure it will get hotter later but the high is Supposed to be around 70 so it might just stay awesome all day.
I start most days full of plans, things I really want to get done but sadly my old body usually forces me to stop long before I want to. 16 years ago Jami compated me to a puppy, said I just run and run every day until I drop tongue hanging out unable to keep playing. I think of her saying that more and more as my running time gets shorter and shorter...
But right now, this moment, my mind is racing with all I want to do today. Even though I know I will get stopped short, I still love this moment. 😁

Christmas Aftermath

This obviouslywas not 2020, probably when I couldn't figure out hot to make corrections later without changing the date.  Maybe 2015?? It was in the house on Binney Street....

Have I mentioned that my friend jen made sure that Kira and jessaslynn got presents from Santa this year? Yea. I think I have. I think Jen may kill the next person who says that no good deed goes unpunished... When Men came to visit someone, or someones, in my house stole all of the money out of Jens purse,  about $350 and has saved to visit her family. It was Jami or Jess or both together. Likely the latter. It was terribly,  I was/am so ashamed!! Jen asked if I would mind if she tried to press charges and I said of course she could! but both of us know that nothing will come of it.  Both of my daughters seem to resent Jen in my life,  my Only Friend! and I'm sure that has Something to do with this.  I wouldn't blame Jen if shy dropped me like a hot potatoe but she won't.  Jen bought Christmas for Jami and Jess's children!! But that doesn't matter to them.  Only their stuff habits and hatred matter to them.  Ever.  

I am so humiliated.  I doubt Jami and/or Jess even feel shame. 

Quarantine

I spent about a week in strict quarantine because I had a fever for 7 days. I dont believe it was covid but I have no idea what else it could have been. I never developed any symptoms not related to the fever. I'm pretty sure Covid would hit me much harder than that with my age and COPD. If it happened to be one of those "mild" cases I understand that those dont give much immunity. They aren't even sure if severe cases give immunity.
This is just living in terror. Terror of the virus, terror of the children getting it,  terror of what it is and will do to the world. Yesterday it was said that we should open the schools since only 2 to 3 % of the children would likely die. OUR CHILDREN WILL NOT RETURN TO SCHOOL  until there is a proven vaccine. If Jeremy has to return to work he will not live in the house among us.
I am terrified every time I have to go out for food and supplies. I have ordered material to make safe masks but it isnt here yet. 

On the bright side

This will be an attempt to write more positive thoughts than I have lately. Think more positive thoughts.
I admit, I spend far too much time being negative in the last few years. It might be understandable, my situation in the world hasn't been great. I've had to face that most of my life is behind me and often feel like I failed at who I meant to be and the things I had hoped to accomplish in my lifetime.
When I want to think positively, my first thought is always of my grandchildren. I think they are all amazing creatures. The beauty I see in them leaves me just breathless sometimes.  My heart leaps and melts when I hear their voices. One Christmas a few years ago I was deathly ill with the flu and confined to bed. The family still gathered at my house for dinner and throughout the day I would wake for brief periods and hear their voices and laughter filling our home and I would feel my heart lift each time, just exploding with joy that they were mine and all together.
I have a very limited social circle. My family is my world. The last close friend I had outside of family was Jenny. I loved her, love her still, but made myself step out of her life because it so negatively impacted mine. I miss her but after i broke away from her i had to admit that i lived in a lot less stress from day to day. Then we moved a couple of times and I never even got to know neighbors again. Not like when we lived near Jen and Natalie.
My family is my world. Far from perfect but each just beautiful in their own ways.
Jeremy is the closest to me. I spend more time one on one with him than anyone. Yes, we argue a lot, agree on almost nothing and he doesnt get along with my daughters. But he has always been There for me. Devoted and faithful no matter what. We haven't lived as a couple for years and the grandchildren are a huge part of why we are still together at all, but it is also because there is something just amazing to me about who he is.  I cant imagine any other man who would have stayed through the things he has with me. He will work and trust me to take care of all of us with his earnings and my disability, meaning he has financially supported this family no matter how he has been treated by us. I will be the first to say that he hasn't been treated well at all for most of the 15 years we have been together. 

COVID 19, What I really think

I and others share tips on FB about COVID and the things we need to do to protect ourselves. My latest brainstorm was about our shoes, how most of us have very likely been tracking the virus into our homes on the bottom of our shoes after sanitizing everything we buy, implementing social distancing (an idea that only works if EVERYONE believes it is important) and limiting all contact etc. Then came feet. People coughing and sneezing on store floors and us walking around and tracking it home. My brother and I both posted a warning about this today on FB but I believe we are weeks too late. I think that I dont have little ones who play on the floor but we do have 2 pets that walk on the floors and jump on our couches and beds. Our floors should have been listed in the first official messages about how to keep our homes safe! Even without the coughing and sneezing image, if you look you see people throwing cigarette butts on the ground and other forms of germ carrying litter that we walk through. My ex, Jim, called this morning and said he was sitting in his car in a parking lot eating fried chicken and throwing the bones out the window and was angry that he thought people passing by were glaring at him. They likely weren't, he's just paranoid like that, but I sure would glare at someone doing that!!
So, this is about what I think. I will continue to do everything in my power to protect my family, but I honestly believe it is a battle already lost. I believe we will ALL end up infected and it will be a roll of crooked dice who survives. It will weed out the sick, the old, and the poor and thin out the rest of the population as it sweeps the world.
After what we assume is worldwide investigation none of the important questions about COVID have been positively answered. Where it came from, how it spreads, what will kill it, can you get it more than once, how can we protect ourselves, none of these questions have a definitive solid answer. Answers to those questions change from day to day, minute to minute even.
With the science we have today we could have halted or at least greatly minimized all of the historic plagues of the world. But we have no clue how to deal with COVID!? Yes, viruses and bacteria evolve, become smarter and more deadly all on their own sometimes. But now we have to also consider the studies done to weaponize these things, experiments, playing God.
I cant wrap my mind around what it will be like when this starts hitting closer to home.  IN my home. I cannot picture dealing with the death of any of my loved ones and that gives me a little selfish desire to die first that I immediately take back because I need to be here to take care of us as we fall ill.
We are told that it is no worse than a cold for some and death for others. That some people never have any symptoms. At first it was supposed to only be deadly to compromised people, the elderly and people with ling lung issues like Jazzy and me. But then we read about healthy, even wealthy, people dying every day. The roll of the crooked dice.
I am terrified.