Saturday

Depressed and irritable. Likely the drugs I m on and the withdrawals from the ones I've stopped. I feel like a jukie.
I'm not sure what to do about applying for public housing. I don't think I'll be able to with Jeremy living with me plus I need to figure out something about getting some kind of a caregiver. I hate the filth I live in since I can't clean my house. It doesn't bother Jeremy or Jessica enough to think to clean it up and I am sick of badgering Jeremy to do it. He is either in bed or at work. Jess says they will run a background check on anyone you live with and I doubt Jeremy would pass their check. I'm not even sure I will!! although I should get by and I do qualify since I am legally disabled.

Jami Phone Off

Jami's phone got disconnected for nonpayment and I signed for it so here I go again. I know it will be at least two hundred and don't remember what I paid for a deposit. Jami says they will arrange to make payments but I don't see how when they couldn't keep up the payments.
Still having withdrawal pains. I don't know how much longer they will last but I know I will never take Methadone again. It is bad enough that I am on Morphine now but I hope to be off of it soon. Jeremy missed three days word this week so his next check will suck pretty badly. It doesn't much matter. I can't figure out how to pay everything anyhow.
I go for my section eight application next Thursday and hopefully will get subsidized housing unless my background check isn't good enough for them.

Methadone Done

I am through the methadone withdrawals and hope to never go through anything that gruesome again. Tomorrow I am seeing Dr. Gold and will find out what the new regiment will be but am also worried that I won't like what he says. I'm also worried that he could be losing his license soon. Jami tells me that Dr. Gold has something to do with the new pay Methadone clinic in Omaha and I hope that place gets shut down, even if I have to help it happen. They are getting all of the junkies addicted to very, very, high doses of Methadone and charging them $12. a day for it. It seems they have taken semi-functional junkies and turned them into non-functional Methadone addicts.

I went and took care of Jami's rent today and took Michelle to Jeanette's to babysit. I don't have to drive Jeanette to work anymore since they got a second car. I miss seeing her every day but it is a huge stress relief to not have to get out in the heat in the middle of the day.

I encouraged Jami to get a job and she says she will go tomorrow. I hope so. I hate that we are finally making some money and yet have none because we are supporting two households. I told Jami today that it is very unfair to Jeremy and she took it to heart.
I wrecked the van the other day. I backed into Meezie's nice car but he was really cool about it and said it needed work anyway.

Still no plates on the van but I did call James and offered him fifty dollars to get the title for me so maybe he'll do it now.

After the Methadone

It has been a month since I have been online. I was feeling bad before I stoped writing but then just started getting worse and worse off until I could hardly get out of bed. I kept going to the ER and the doctor and they kept running tests but nothing came up until last Thursday Dr. Hay thought I might be having a bad reaction to the Methadone. He wanted me to go to another pain clinic and get withdrawn off the Methadone but I didn't want to wait that long, my new appointment isn't for another two weeks, so I stopped the methadone cold turkey after seeing the doctor. I have been in withdrawals since then and it is one of the most gruesome things I have ever gone through. Methadone withdrawal is tougher than Heroin withdrawal. Jami and Kirk have coached me though most of this. Jami told me that Benadryl would help with the withdrawal and I looked it up on the Internet and found a suggestion to use 100 mg. at a time and it made a world of difference. I also got some valium which helps. I think I am most of the way through it and I will never take another Methadone!!! I'm switching to Dr. Gold for now.
Jami has been having a lot of trouble with mood swings and depression and even a bit of psychotic behavior for the last few weeks until something is going to have to be done for her ASAP. Last night the phone rang and it was their number but no one was on the line when I picked up and then it happened again. No one answered when I called back so I got up and went over there around 1 a.m. Kirk came down to let me in and he was crying and just so lost as to what to do with Jami. I went upstairs where Jami was crying in the bathroom and I stayed for an hour or so until things were peaceful and nice there but I talked to Jami about getting some help and she is now very receptive even willing to be committed. I have been working on this for two weeks. It has been a very rough time for Jami. Lindsey called her last week and told her everything she thought about Jami and her drug use and how it affected her and it tore Jami up very badly. Jami still can't bring herself to tell me what all Lindsey said but I can imagine. I talked to Lindsey and she said that she had told her mom the things that she has been holding in and that she needed to say it but was sad that it had hurt her mother. Then last month Jami and Kirk decided to stop doing Meth because it made their fighting worse and Jami had the realization that she had quit Meth that easy after years of not being able to stop to save her marriage and children. That has hit her very, very hard. It is all sad and all very good for Jami as long as she doesn't give up and decides to fight for her life.
We named our puppy Chaos and Jess named hers Brandy and they are both hell on four feet. You can really tell that they have some pit bull in them, they are really rough little things. And little shit machines. I can't wait until we get them housebroke!!!
Jess got her Section 8 housing but hasn't made any plans to move yet. She is hoping that I get mine and we can both move somewhere better together so I can still help her with Jessalynn.
We got Jessalynn her front teeth a couple of weeks ago and she looks just amazing. She looks more like a Kiser now. I notice a lot that her eyes are like mine and Herbert's and I love that!!! She is also getting very difficult to handle lately, I think she needs a lot more stimulation than she is getting but school will be starting soon and that should end this.
Jeanette got promoted to supervisor at work. They are struggling right now and Jeanette is pretty depressed but they will be OK. Nett had a miscarriage last week that I think bummed her out a little, too, although they aren't really wanting another one right now.
I'm feeling more alive than I have in a long, long, time as I get the methadone out of my system. It is a nice surprise. I didn't realize how numb I had grown to everything. I notice how beautiful the summer is now and how good music sounds. I'm hoping that I find that some of the memory problems I have been having are from the methadone, too, although it could very well be just getting older.
We celebrated our fifth anniversary July 28th. We took Jessalynn with us and went to Red Lobster to eat and then went to the movies and saw the Simpson's movie.
Jeremy and I have been getting along better than we had been for a long, long time since he started working. Besides relieving some of the financial stress, it has had an incredible effect on Jeremy to be working and providing for us. He really likes his job and his self confidence has grown by leaps and bounds. Also we are no longer together 24 hours a day and get to miss each other now and it has been like a honey moon. Well, until this morning. I am ticked off right now because Jeremy copped an attitude because Jami and I seemed to be in such a good mood this morning he decided we must have been partying all night instead of what I'd told him happened. He was a real sour puss on the way home and then when I found out why and got upset he of course didn't apologize but denied that he had copped an attitude even though Jami, Kirk and I had all noticed.
I don't have to drive Jeanette today but I do have to take Jeremy to the doctor. He had some blood in his urine a couple of days ago so I'm taking him to get checked. I should be getting some sleep since I didn't sleep last night but I'm still too pissed to go in the bedroom.
And that is the update here.

Kirk called to work

First Star Fiber called Kirk today to start setting him up for his interviews. :-) I really h9ope he gets this job because I don't see anything else happening for him any time soon. This job would make a huge difference in their lives and mine!! I just hope he gets the graveyard shift with Jeremy or my driving schedule could get really tough.
Jeremy and I are getting along swimmingly. A little forced time apart is good for us. It definitely makes the heart grow fonder. Jeremy is still a little cold about our last knock down drag out but I think he is getting over it. I was terribly harsh with him.It seems now that we fight for any quality time together at all now.
All for now. Lets hope Kirk gets this job and turns all of our lives around!!!!

It is very nice to have Jeremy home from work for his weekend. I knew I would miss him when he started working after all this time together but I've been surprised by how much. I have weird moments where I don't really believe he isn't here or feel almost frightened that he isn't here.
We didn't get to do much yesterday because I was not feeling too great, had that stomach pain again, and I've had the hardest time waking up lately. I've lost count of how may times I've fallen asleep with a cigarette in my hand. Not a good thing! That reminds me, it is time to quit again...
I have to manage to see Jami at some point today. I get upset because they don't take care of themselves yet hate to think of Jami with nothing. Or Kirk. They live such miserable lives slaves to opiates. Most of the time they look miserable even though Jami always tries to be smiling and stuff when I see her. Kirk has one of the worst cases of total lack of self esteem I've ever seen. He is so ashamed of his life but can't seem to break free from the things holding him back, heroin, and his lack of confidence. He would benefit in so many ways from getting a job but lacks the initiative to even get out and find one. Jami and Kirk are aware yet unaware of all of the time passing while they are in Limbo. They are sad at the loss of time but also don't quite get why the world leaves them behind.
I hope to take Jeremy to Walmart today since that is one of the few things he wants to do with his days off this week. It will be hard to keep up with what we both want out of his days off. He will likely want to do stuff and I just want to enjoy that I don't have to do anything. There is a place where our twenty year age difference gets in the way.

Waiting With Jessalynn

I didn't fall asleep like I thought I would after bringing Jeremy home knowing that I didn't have to get up to drive Jeanette today or anything. Part of the problem could be that Jessalynn knows that she is going to a birthday party this afternoon and has woke me up more times than I can count to ask if it was getting close to time to get ready yet. I finally gave up on sleep at one and got up and washed the tub and put Jessalynn in it. Now Grandma Linda is seven minutes late and Jessalyn is starting to wind up for another melt down, at least her second for today.
This child needs more to do.
Maybe I'll get some real rest after she leaves. I now have a migraine in the left eye and have taken four Ibuprophen for it.
It's a sunny haze outside, I imagine it to be humid from looking at it. I don't expect to experience the weather until at least tonight when it has cooled down for the day.
Eleven minutes late now and Jessalynn has a pouting face but is silent in her distress for now. I don't totally blame her. I hate when people are late, too.
I'm gonna go sit with Jessalynn and wait.

Jeremy Emergi Dental

Jeremy's tooth ache was out of control so I took him to Emergi Dental today and they charged $320. to pull a tooth!! Good incentive for us to keep up with our dental so we don't have to go there. We stopped at the store for some ice cream and got home near noon. Late for Jeremy to be getting to bed. Me, too. I have to be out again at two to take Jeanette to work.
I think the Detrol Dr. Felony prescribed is going to be a big help We'll see if I get to sleep more than two hours whenever there is over two hours to sleep!

Puppies Eyes Open!!!!!

Yep, the puppies opened their little eyes today. Jessi brought them up one at a time this evening to show them off. It will be hard to even give one of them away. I still think they look like they have some pit bull in them but it will be easier to tell in a couple of months.
I'm getting ready to take Jeremy to work and then go to the grocery store and get us and Jami some groceries. I know they got some money yesterday bit it all went to the habit as always and they are out of food and drink over there. Likely out of cigarettes, too. I sure hope one of them gets a job soon.....

Sleeping Alone

Well, I'm not alone at night except for Friday when Jessalyn stays with her father, but I'm sleeping poorly without Jeremy waking to look for him and then I am startled awake when I notice him gone. After twenty four seven for five years this could take some getting used to. I would just sleep the same hours he does but I have to take Jeanette to work in the middle of that. I am really wanting to be able to sleep more than two hours at a time no matter when I sleep. The next time I see Dr. Felony I'm going to tell him to focus on whatever will make that possible. I might still wake often but it would be a lot easier to fall right back asleep if I didn't have to get up and pee every time.
Jeremy got the trash out on time this morning and I don't know where he took off to now...

Father's Day

Getting ready to go out to the Casino for Father's Day. Poor Jeremy, only Jami called to wish him a happy father's day. The others just have no clue how involved he is as their father being half of every decision I make and always worrying about them with me.
I've been sick still all day. I think Dr. Hay has missed something but I didn't give him enough to work with since I was feeling better the day I went to see him.
I said nothing about nausea because I thought it was over but it is very bad and I have been taking Reglan today to get to feeling able to out tonight.
I also removed the black color from my hair and am going medium brown more like Jessalynn's color not only because she requested it but I had been thinking about lightening back up for a while. It is just so much work to do. Almost done. One more rinse and then we get ready to go to the Casino. We have a twenty five dollar coupon for the cafe at Ameristar and will likely visit the Black Jack tables.
Wish us luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kirk and Jami Fighting

It will be a miracle if Jami and Kirk don't get kicked out of their apartment tomorrow. Hell, it will be a miracle if Kirk doesn't end up back in jail before the night is over. Kirk called me saying that they were fighting and that Jami wouldn't stop so he was going to leave before the police got there but then I listened to them fight for another ten minutes at least, very loud. Jami was on a rant demanding he get on his knees and apologize for whatever he had said to piss her off and he was refusing and would just get kicked in the teeth or something if he did. She had him by the hair during most of what I heard but as always trying to make it sound to me like he was somehow the one keeping the fight going and abusing her. I spoke to her briefly after Kirk tried to hand her the phone and she wouldn't take it by hanging up and calling back and she answered. I told her she had to cool it and she said it was too hard and went right back to screaming at Kirk demanding he bow before her and accusing him of not loving her and all the usual things she says during these fits. I hung up again after not being able to get her attention and she called right back and said, "OK It's over I'm going to sleep." To which I replied, "Do you know you likely just lost your apartment?" and she actually asked "Why?" When I said it would be for the fighting noise that is forbidden she acted like I was kicking them out and said Fine and hung up.
I think the fight tonight isn't that unusual still for them, the management said something to us about them not fighting any more when we paid the rent last time and their fighting is why no one wanted them to stay with them when they lost their last apartment. Jami just has to blow up like this from time to time and always has beaten every serious boyfriend or husband she has had. BUT this tonight is likely fueled in somehow by her making contact with her children again recently. I just feel that one in the gut.
When they get evicted from there I can't help them find another place. I don't think there is another apartment for rent for that price that they can get into. Jami needs so much mental help as well as withdrawn off of drugs but one has fed the other for so long uncontrolled that it seems hopeless. She is totally unaware most of the time that there is something very wrong with her having always blamed others for these incidents so she is not going to seek or accept help.

New Life

Jeremy loves his new job! He is a forklift driver although he does some other things, too. First Star makes toilet paper and paper towels. The first night Jessalynn and I snuggled and watched movies but last night was her night with her father so I was alone here and that was OK too, except that I was a little worried about Jeremy because he was sick before I took him to work but he got through the night OK. I was disappointed he didn't call and let me know he was OK but there isn't a phone in the break room. He was really sore when he got off today and finally slept good when he got home. It's good he has a couple days off to let his miscles heal and adjust. It's been over five years since he worked because he doesn't even remember when he worked before he met me.
I woke yesterday afternoon to Kirk's bondsman pounding on the door wnting his money. He said he had talked to Kirk earlier and that Kirk had said that he would call him woth the money at 4:30 and hadn't. He followed me to the bank and I paid him off. When I got home Jami called and needed a ride home from CB. Not only did they not have money for the bondsman but they didn't even have 2.50 for bus fare home. I picked them up and they had to ride to take Jeremy to work with me and then I took them home but I did chew Jami out this time and told her they had to get their shit together and at least feed themselves as well as support their habits i.e. someone of both need to get a job. Jim has set Kirk up to get a job with him but Kirk has to pass a drug test...
Gotta go. Jeremy is waiting for me to celebrate his new job with him.

Shopping Alone

I just went grocery and dollar store shopping on my own and had a good time but a very, very, tired and sore. I feel better today but still have that pain where I once had an appendix. I spent almost two hundred dollars shopping but it was fun. I got a lot of things for Jeremy's lunches at work and I got cleaning supplies for me to take over the housecleaning here. Everyone is excited about Jeremy going to work. It is going to change our lives so much. Kirk is going to apply there tomorrow if I can get him up there. I go right past their place taking Jeremy to First Fiber.
Here's to the beginning of a new era!!!!!

Jeremy Job!!!!!!!!!

Yahooooooo!!!!! Jeremy was hired at First Fiber this morning! I was going to lose this house if he didn't get a job soon. Half of my settlement money since we moved in here has gone to paying his share of the bills. If he just paid half I could easy afford it here but he is supposed to also pay me back for supporting him for the last five years. Of course he might just skip out on me now that he is working but that would be workable, too. I'd find someone else to move in or get a cheaper place without him and he has been expensive to keep. ALSO we will see if we can get along better without him being up my butt twenty four seven. He has come a long way since he used to insist on following me into the bathroom but he is still very bad about never letting me have any time to myself. He gets pissed if I go into another room to watch TV when he is watching something I don't like. Drives me nuts. Plus he has to listen in on all of my phone calls and make comments in the background that are usually unwanted. His mom says he is like this because he is so insecure and I can understand that but it has driven me half insane. He even insists on going into all of my doctor appointments with me constantly interrupting me while I am trying to tell the doctor what is wrong even if I beg him before we go i to let me do the talking. I just couldn't have the time and space to describe what our relationship has been like in the perspective. He can be a sweet guy and even fun to be around except he is so around that all I want to do anymore is get away. I want to be able to talk to my daughters girl talk one to one. I want to drive in the van without his music blaring in my ears. And I am going to get all of these thigs if he just keeps working!!!!!!!!!!

Not Much Better

I don't understand what is wrong. I suppose I should have returned to the ER or tried to insist my doctor see me sooner than Friday but I did nothing today. The pain is a little better and confined more to where my appendix once was. I can eat a little but don't really get hungry feeling full and bloated all the time. And in pain although I can make it without taking pain meds as long as I stay abed. Maybe I'll do something about this in the morning...

Not Feeling too Well...

Yesterday I felt bloated, full, and sweaty all day. I went and took Kirk to the ER to get his ribs checked out, he broke a few recently during a seizure and then fell on them but he checked out OK at the ER, just bruised this time. I was feeling weak by the time I took him and Jami home. I got home around ten p.m. and fell right asleep only to wake up in terrible upper abdominal pain. I tried to go back to sleep but kept waking, being hit by worse and worse waves of pain. I got up around midnight and debated calling an ambulance and ended up driving myself to the hospital. I don't remember the drive. The nurse tried to put in an IV to give me pain meds and got a vein in my wrist that hurt so bad he had to pull it back out to get me to stop screaming and I got the pain shot in the butt. They ran all kinds of bloodwork while I faded in and out on the pain meds and they couldn't find what was wrong. The doctor said it is likely too early in whatever is going on to show up in blood work so they sent me home on pain meds with instructions to follow up wit Dr. Rosman in the morning but all of the doctors at the clinic are booked until Friday. I've slept as much as possible and the pain is now lower near where my appendix used to be. I have the feeling I will be back in the hospital before Friday. I HATE not knowing what is wrong and hurting so bad!!!!!!!!! And I don't have time for this. How am I going to take Jeanette to work tomorrow? And Jeremy finally has a job interview tomorrow morning at sever a.m. I had promised to take little Jessalynn to the park today and have had to deal with her disappointment all day, poor thing. She has been giving me lots of kisses trying to make me well. They do make it easier to bear!!
I am very much enjoying having my bedroom to myself. I still had to deal with Jeremy pouting about the laundry today but at least his company is limited now.
OH, the pain meds are wearing off again or it is getting worse. Gotta get back to bed.

Jeremy

I have been feeling more and more used by Jeremy lately ad finally blew a gasket over it. I have been supporting him ever since we met five years ago and it ends now. I booted him out of the bedroom and refuse to take him everywhere I go like he always demands. He gives me shit every time I want to do something for one of my own children but sits on his ass spending my money on whatever he wants.
He swears he loves me but then makes me miserable with his constant bitching and bullying until I can take no more!!! I asked him to leave but he has no where to go so he is still here but his game is up.

Dinner With Jami and Kirk

We took Jami and Kirk to the Horseshoe Casino for dinner tonight and had a nice time. :-) We all played a little bit of penny slots and then came home with our purses full of deserts. Jami and Kirk came home with us to get some of their things out of storage here and have a load of laundry in. We'll take them home and then get to bed so Jeremy can get up early to work on the car in the morning.
Asia and her two puppies are doing well.

Chuck E Cheeze

This evening we picked up Jenise and took her and Jessalynn to Chuck E Cheeze Restaurant. I was looking forward to the new and improved things they must have since I ws there twenty years ago with my little ones and was so very disappointed to find it was instead not nearly as good. The show used to be lively with a gorilla that looked real enough to frighten and fascinate the kids. He was gone and only the Chucky's character even had a movable mouth. Sad Sad Sad. The pizza was the same flat tasteless thing a before and the games were mostly cheesier than the pizza. BUT at least the girls knew no better and still had a lot of fun. They both dutifully ate a piece of pizza and then played for a couple of hours. Jeremy played too and was the last one ready to go. We brought the girls home and they played here until ten when we took Jenice home. She is talking so much and so clearly now!!!
We ended or evening with a trip to Blockbuster Video and are off to bed.

Lost Puppies

Asia gave birth to two still born puppies today. It is supposed that she mated with two different dogs on different days and the black puppies weren't ready so were still born. I thought the second one yesterday was black but it was brown once it dried off. We tried everything to revive the first one, Jess and Jeremy even tried mouth to mouth but to no avail. They are buried under a tree outside the back gate.

Pupppies!!!!!!!!!!

Asia started giving birth this evening. She had a fat little brown puppy with a white tipped tail and one white foot around 9 pm and she came up with Jess to show me the pup so we thought she might be done but then she laid back down panting and about two hours later she gave birth to a tiny, tiny, black puppy with a white tipped tail and maybe white tipped feet, hard to tell it is so tiny. We were all staying out of the basement where she is having them except for Jess so Asia wouldn't get upset but then Jess started calling for me in fear after the second pup came because Asia bit at it but by the time I got there she was just licking it and urging it to nurse. We all watched nervously because the puppy was so tiny but it latched firmly on and looks like it will make it. Asia is still laying with them panting from time to time so maybe there will still be another but I sure hope the next one is bigger if there is one!! It appears she mated with both the big dogs she was running with which is fine since they were handsome studs even though it spoils her pure blood line. I want to keep at least one of the pups.
Jessalynn went to the dentist today and got three teeth pulled and two capped so she has been getting spoiled all day. She was a real trooper and isn't even afraid to go back to the dentist next week.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!!!

We started celebrating my birthday last night. We went to the Horseshoe Casino in Council Bluffs and had dinner at their steakhouse and then started gambling. It was Jeremy's first time to go to a big casino. We started at the slot machines where Jeremy Lost twenty and I lost sixty dollars and then we went to the Black Jack tables where I watched and Jeremy played and lost a couple of hundred dollars. We left go come home but got stopped by a train and turned around to go another way when I realized it was after midnight and officially my birthday so we went back to the Casino! This time we each sat down with a hundred dollars at the Black Jack tables and we played until 4 am with Jeremy losing and me winning. I won something over three hundred dollars. At the Horseshoe you get back what you lost the first twenty four hours up to five hundred dollars the first time you go so it was all fun money. Jami gave us a half off coupon to use for dinner so we ate real fancy for forty dollars. :-) It has been too long since we had that much fun together. We are getting ready to go back there to have our free buffet dinners we won and finish out our twenty four hours. See ya!!!!!!!!!

Start Driving Jeanette

Today I started driving Jeanette to work. This will be an excellent way to reconnect with this daughter of mine. I am only worried that I don't have AC and I hate to work an office job after a sweaty ride. It was a nice day with a cool breeze so it wasn't too bad but we stopped on the way home at Jiffy Lube to get the AC charged and were told that there is a leak in one of the lines that they don't fix. We should go to U Pull It for the piece but will just buy it if we can't do that. Jeremy applied for a job at Nebraska Furniture Mart between dropping Nett off and Jiffy Lube and then when we got home there was a message from First Fiber, the first place he applied for work, so it looks like he is about to find a job one way or another.
It will be strange having Jeremy working after five years together without him working. We get sick of each other at times but I will miss him terribly I am sure. I had to have him home for most of the last five years since I was too disabled to do anything for myself but I am getting better so he needs to go to work not only for the money but for his self esteem.

Pain Free Night

Yep. Had the first night without waking from pain in a while last night. But I'm still so exhausted from the two previous nights that I still didn't get much done today. We got up late and went to pay Jami's rent @ a pro-rated amount of $171. for the month. Then we went to take Nett to work but she had a ride for today so we came home intending to go do more but I fell asleep and blew off the rest of the day. I did just set up phone service for Jami beginning June 7th. Jeremy is of course upset that I'm doing that since they couldn't even pay their rent. I told him it is my birthday present to myself to be able to call my daughter. Yea, he's right, they're screwing up big time. I just hope they get a grip soon.

Robbie's First Birthday Party

The first thing Jesalynn said this morning was When are we going to Aunt Nett's for Robbie's birthday party?? So we heard that all day until it was time at 7:00 pm. It was just us with their little family. Rob filmed Robbie getting his cake. Jeanette got a sheet cake that came with a free tiny cake that she put the candle in for Robbie. He didn't quite know what to do with the cake but Nett helped him out.
We came home at 9:30. I've been exhausted all day after having a terrible night. Oh. Now Jess wants Taco Bell so here I go but then I'm going to bed!!!!!!!!

Heidi Drunk

Jessalyn was home from her visit with Daddy when I got home from Jami's and her mom said she needed to talk to me when I walked in. She told me that Patrick was driving home with Jessalynn when he saw his girlfriend, Heidi, walking down the road and he pulled over to give her a ride. She was extremely intoxicated and got into the car berating Patrick and started kicking the dash and threw her cell phone and then started attacking Patrick, biting him twice drawing blood and ripping off his necklace cutting his neck. Jessica said that Jessalynn was quite traumatized screaming for Heidi to leave her daddy alone through out. Jessalynn had grabbed the thrown cell phone and tucked it into her carseat to call for help if she needed to.
Right as Jessica finishes telling me this, Jessalynn asked to speak to me in her bedroom. Eyes huge, she told me the same story and little prickles of rage started to climb over me for my five year old granddaughter. Mommy might have to wait in line to give Heidi a sound beating. How dare she be in that condition and act that way in front of a child!!! I don't know what is going on with her and Patrick but it can't be good. I feel bad for him because he has had the worst luck with women but of course no on will live up to my daughter! Jess is a tough act to follow with her shy ways and super model looks. No. That's not just a mom talking. She's really a model although not a super model yet! I think well, Heldi was drunk and didn't know she was going to see Jessalynn right then but she did know Patrick was getting her tonight. She should have been able to contain herself in front of a child even drunk or she shouldn't ever drink. She has children, too, although she doesn't have custody and hmmm maybe this is why. I have heard that she used to have Meth problems which has always made me leery of her.

I will wait to see how Patrick handles this but if he doesn't I will.

Methadone or Heroin

Jeremy and I went shopping at Walmart on what will be one of my last splurges after getting my settlement. It wasn't a huge splurge as I got mostly things that were needed. Jeremy was very good about not saying anything about how much I spent on the kids. I got Jami some towels and things for her apartment and a few things Jess needed and shopped for little Robbie's first birthday. It is way different shopping for a little boy after all these girls! Toys aren't too hard at his age and I'll likely always be able to just watch what Jeremy is interested in and plays with in the toy section. Clothes are a different matter. I hated all of the little outfits I saw. They all looked goofy to me so I just got him some Bob the Builder and Finding Nemo pajamas.
We stopped at Jami's on the way home to drop off their things and visit a minute. They were stripping wire to sell. I thought Jami looked a bit rough, I know they had some kind of pills today. I didn't talk to her about the Methadone clinic again yet and I am just hoping that I can really afford it. The thing is that Kirk would need to go too for it to work which would make it about $750 a month!! Jeremy says they should be able to pay for methadone since they pay for their drugs which is a point that is very hard to argue with except they just won't have the same motivation somehow to get the methadone and I'm not even totally sure why but I just know it will be that way. Now when they start getting sick they are desperate and start collecting cans to sell and anything else they can think of until they can get a fix. I just can't see a junkie working that hard for Methadone somehow. Like their demons will tell them they deserve some heroin instead since they worked so hard or the mind can think of hundreds of tricks to keep it's feel good addictions. I know this just from being addicted to cigarettes. I will likely end up paying for the Methadone for both of them if I at all can and if they sound serious although again you'd think they would get the money themselves if they were serious. What a vicious almost circle!!!

Saturday Evening

We're waiting here for Patrick to come get Jessalynn so we can go to Wal Mart and do some shopping for the house and for Robbie's birthday tomorrow. We took Jessalynn to Jordan's birthday party this afternoon but she was tired and shy of all the people there so she didn't have a lot of fun. I'm going to put her in the day care where Abby works part time to get her used to being around other kids before school starts this fall.
Jeanette called to invite us over for a little birthday party for Robbie tomorrow. Next week I will start taking her to work every day.
We got Jessalynn some little pots of flowers yesterday to keep in a hanging basket in her room. :-)

The Sign

So.... A few weeks ago my daughter's boyfriend was arrested for second degree theft for stealing a metal sign worth $1500 from a car wash. Kirk was arrested next to the car wash immediately after someone reported seeing a man with tattoos and long hair steal the sign, but it was a large sign and no where to be seen so it was decided that Kirk had a partner who had taken off with the sign, which lent conspiracy to the charge making it a felony. Further incriminating him was a wrench he had in his possession that fit the bolts to the sign. A week after getting bonded out of jail, Kirk spotted the sign in someone's backyard laying face up for the world to see. A friend of his called 911 and alerted the police to the whereabouts of the sign and the house was raided by police who found the sign. No one in the home had long hair and tattoos. It will be interesting to see what will happen when this goes to court. Council Bluffs is a small town but it is still amazing that the sign was found.

Pain Clinic

I had to call the pain clinic yesterday and ask for a refill on my meds and the receptionist was really rude from the first word complaining that I didn't give them enough notice. I explained that my meds had been stolen or I would have had plenty to give them the three days they want but she was still a bitch. She grudgingly said that I could get them and hung up so I went up there. She was pissed and asked why I didn't call before leaving home. I thought I had!!! She told me to go back home and come back in two hours. I said OK and then mentioned that I would be needing to see Dr. Youngblood anyway soon because I had seen another doctor for a second opinion and wanted to talk to him about Dr. Gold's findings. She was outraged and berated me for seeing someone else telling me it was against their rules to seek a second opinion! I went home and called Dr. Gold's office and told the what had been said and how condescending and rude the receptionist had been and begged them to take me as a patient there so I wouldn't have to deal with her any more. They said they would call me back. I went back to Dr. Youngblood's office and the receptionist met me at the door and thrust the prescriptions at me without a word. When I got back home I had missed the call back so I won't know until Monday if I can get into Dr. Gold's clinic. I wanted to to begin with but he said he and Dr. Youngblood were good friends so he would rather examine me and send Youngblood the results and recommendations. I don't think Dr. Youngblood ever examined me at all and he certainly didn't examine me as thoroughly as Dr. Gold did. Whatever. I have to wait until Monday and even if I don't get into Dr. Gold's clinic it is time to find a new pain clinic.

Another Fall

I've missed a couple of days here. Not much has gone on except for Thursday I took Jessalynn to the dentist for a much needed check up and she will have a bit of work done and then they can fit her for a partial for her missing front teeth until the permanent ones show up, hopefully in about a year. Walking on the sidewalk in front of the clinic I again tripped and fell, making four falls this month, this time busting both knees and palms and ruining my favorite black pants. It has to be these bifocals making me fall all of the time although I have always been a bit preoccupied and clumsy...

Court

Kirk goes to court today so I am up to make sure he gets there since I bonded him out. I'm still not feeling too hot but I went to the doctor yesterday and got some medicines for allergies that the doctor seems to think will solve everything. I am almost certain that an antibiotic is indicated but understand and respect her hesitancy to prescribe them. I am to wait five days before starting an antibiotic. I also went for my "cocktail infusion" yesterday for my Interstitial Cystitis. Not a pleasant thing to have to do! Jessalynn is excited that she will be seeing the dentist today and getting closer to getting her new teeth. I just hope they are good with little kids there and do gentle dentistry because she needs a lot of work before they can even do her front teeth replacement.

MyBlogLog

MyBlogLog was set up for me by a friend to write about and share my MRSA experience but it has become a whole little world that I love to get lost in. I cruise around the different blogs every day learning things and always looking for a good laugh. I have found such richness in knowledge and people that it is greatly expanding my horizons in all directions. Plus I have made cyberspace friends which I am finding are some of the best friends to have. No matter what time of day or night there is always someone else online so loneliness disappears and everyone I have met is supportive in some way. When I first looked at the Internet I was shown what local chat rooms were like and I was disgusted by them but and horrified by what had been done with this incredible technology but then I found so much more to the Internet that those sites hardly matter. MyBlogLob has been the richest site I have found. It is quickly becoming one of my best friends. My best friend is a pen pal I met online two years ago so a great part of my life takes place here and since I am disabled and poor it has become my window to the world. Thank God for bloggers!

Nightmare Control

Last night I was depressed when trying to go to sleep and was afraid of having a dream like I had for the last two nights that had been very sad and left me feeling morose all day. So I thought again about trying to program my dreams. I went through the things I didn't want to dream pretty quick but took a minute to think of what I did want to dream. Then I remembered how much I liked flying in my dreams so I asked myself to dream about flying and for filler I asked that it be full of me having magical powers in a magical world and I went to sleep.
I dreamed I was among a bunch of people I didn't know and we went through a crazy series of events and then I dreamed the same thing again but this time I was vomiting through half of it. Much like the regular vomiting but stringier and bits of it were grown into my gums ~ I had no teeth ~ and I would try to scrape it out of my mouth and always was looking for a quiet place to go get it all out of my mouth but kept getting interrupted so I would have to move on through the dream with it growing in my mouth again. The string would sometimes stretch and break but when I did manage to pull them out of my gums they didn't really hurt, I jsut felt the pressure of pulling and then the slimy stuff slipping out. Then the dream started for a third time but this time I stepped in and took control and everyone turned into magical beasts some of them half beasts, one of them three different parts of three different beasts. We all were going to confront the main character so we went out side and they all started taking off flying and I reminded myself that I had flown in dreams before so I closed my eyes and concentrated real hard and then I was flying with them. We landed on a roof overlooking where the first two dreams took place and were discussing how to deal with the boss person when something came up and we all took flight hastily. I was having trouble flying and one was holding onto me helping but when the others noticed they all stopped midair and started sending me their knowledge of flying in big beams until I was flying as well as them and we took of and I woke up.

The Headache

The headache was back again the next morning but not quite as bad so I went about my day. I went and bonded Kirk out of jail and then took him and Jami to their apartment. On the way home I noticed that my tongue was numb. Then my arms and then my legs went numb. I looked on the Internet in WebMD and found two things. A Complex Migraine, which fit the description perfectly, and a mini stroke which only would fit if you considered that women present differently with a stroke than a man so the symptoms might not be classic i.e. a woman might experience numbness on both sides instead of just one, so I went to the ER to be sure. I went to UMC and was impressed with the improvements that have made since I was last there a couple of years ago. The put me in a dark room and gave me pain medication through an IV for the headache and ran a smattering of test including a MRI of my head. The resulting diagnosis: a Complex Migraine. I've had migraine headaches off and on all of my life but have never gone numb all over from one. My oldest daughter went temporarily blind from one once so I guess anything is possible. I was sent home after two hours and feel much better although the numbness returned for a little while a couple of hours after I got home. Now I can't sleep. Depressed about a lot of things. Got the blues, maybe a hangover from the headache.

Night

Fought a headache that has been building for two days until today it was a massive sinus, migraine, cluster, feeling thing. I took ibuprophen with no results so I took more ibuprophen and extra oxycodone and nothing but I kept trying those things all day. This evening I sent Jeremy to get me some sinus headache medicine nad he came home with Excedrine Sinus and I took three of those with no result. Then a couple of hours ago I though about good old fashioned Aspirin. Worked like a charm. Good night.

Afternoon

It looks like I might not be able to bond Kirk out. I talked to a bondsman who explained that they will garnish the wages of the co-signer if the person doesn't show up for court and they can't garnish SSI so I don't qualify. There is another bondsman Jeremy is supposed to talk to tomorrow but I think he will get the same response. The one I talked to said they needed someone who had worked full time at the same job for two years and I don't think Jami and Kirk even know anyone who qualifies for that.

I'm still sick today. Throat is not as sore but I still have a fever and a HUGE headache. It doesn't help that I never sleep more than 2 hours and spend most of my life lately as something out of Night of the Living Dead. I'm gonna go try for another two hour nap!

Morning

I'm still having nightmares. I am not vomiting in them anymore, thank God! but they are still about the family that has kicked me to the curb. Terrible, heart wrenching nightmares where they are all reviling and beating me for things I didn't do or didn't mean to do. My dear brother Mike is always the ringleader and EVERYONE is his follower. Last night I dreamed Jess was getting married and all of this went on at her wedding. I have to figure out how to purge them all from my sleep. I've tried hating them back, forgiving them, and just forgetting them not only did none of them work but I think trying to forget them just made them more active in my subconscious mind. Even my grandmother was in this one and she was dead years before it all started! My dead relatives are the only ones I feel close to at all because I like to think we become more all knowing in death and that they are the only ones besides me who know the truth.

Today I go to bail Kirk out of jail and begin a new phase in this saga with my Jami. I pray this is the right choice to make at this time. Will Kirk save her or will he go down with her?? There is always the story of the man who bought a canary to teach his sparrow to sing. Yep, the canary started chirping.

Saturday 1 am

I went to Jami's this evening and when I got there she was sitting at the kitchen table with two guys and they each had a spoon in front of them full of goo that they were stirring with the back end of a syringe all casual like a dysfunctional family at dinner. I can't take this. I know Jami's habit has swung out of control again with Kirk in jail and people giving her pity drugs. Plus I think I might have helped fill that spoon by giving her money to go to the dentist today which she didn't do. I don't know about that, she might still have that money. From the looks of the multicolored bruise on her neck where she shoots up I would say she has been going at it pretty heavy ever since Kirk went to jail. So. Tomorrow I am bonding Kirk out of jail. I wish I had another idea especially one that didn't cost me $750. but I don't. If I could commit her to a drug treatment place I would but I have failed in that every time I have tried. I got Adult Protective Services to go to pick her up once when she was strung out on Meth and they called me later and said that they couldn't pick her up because she told them at the door that she was coming down off of a crank binge and had just taken four valium to sleep and would they please leave and they explained to me that they couldn't take her in unwillingly unless she was incoherent. Go figure. If Kirk gets out then she will move back to Omaha with him and get way from the Council Bluffs junkies and have to think about things like paying rent and surviving again. Alone she gets too much of a free ride still being a very pretty woman if you look past the signs of drug abuse. I can't stand to see her going down the tube like this again. Before Kirk went in they were trying to get off drugs and had their habit down to $25. a day between them, which is still $750. a month! but it was better than what I am seeing now.

I hate that I live in a world where I know and see the things I do in my every day life. I hate that every junkie for miles knows me by name. I miss the clean, oblivious world I once lived in what feels like a hundred years ago. I miss my daughter who was going to rule the world someday. I'm fighting to have her and my world sane again.

I have to sleep now. Don't want any more of this day. It officially ended an hour and a half ago anyhow. Good night.

Friday Morning

Slept poorly as usual. It is crazy to wake up every hour or so either because of pain or having to go to the bathroom or both. I feel like a walking zombie most of the time walking around (and driving!) in a foggy haze. I have to find some solutions to this non-life! I am working on parts of it. The peeing every two hours is being treated by a good Urologist who is doing weekly infusions (you don't want to know what that is!) The pain. Well. I don't know if anyone is ever going to help me with that again since my last doctor lost his license after prescribing Oxycontin for a young man who said he was in so much pain he didn't want to live and the man went home and overdosed on the Oxycontin and died. The next thing you know every doctor for miles and miles is terrified to prescribe any kind of narcotic for pain especially the long lasting Oxycontin that I, too, was taking but I took them as prescribed and had the first relief from pain in my life. I got to enjoy life for about six months and poof! I'm back to the old non-life. I still can enjoy my life but not like I did for those six months!! I could play with my grandchildren and I went to a concert and just lived like other people. Last week I saw a new pain specialist who I heard would prescribe Oxycontin but he turned out to be a good friend of my current doctor and refused to take me as a patient although he did say he would suggest a long acting pain medication for me to my doctor, Dr. Youngblood. Youngblood believes pretty much solely in using Methadone for pain which lasts about four hours for me if it works at all and it makes me jump and jerk convulsively in my sleep waking me up all night. I told him about the convulsive movements and he just prescribed a muscle relaxer to control them but it doesn't work. I tell him how often I wake in pain and he gives me sleeping pills that do nothing. I sometimes joke that I am going to have to start using street drugs but as I get older and the pain gets worse I fear it won't be a joke for long if no one helps me. Enough of that.
I have no real plans for today except to get some money out of the bank for Jami to go to the dentist and get a tooth pulled. The drugs, mostly the meth, have devastated her teeth but she still won't quit. She had sadly become this family's poster child for not doing drugs. Only thirty years old and her teeth are just falling out. I pray every day for a way to save her before the drugs or the MRSA kill her.

Thursday

I have three blogs going already but they aren't keeping me busy enough so I decided to start keeping my journal in a blog, too, since I'm online all of the time. I have been keeping a journal on the PC but I think I will write in it more here for some reason. I guess it's knowing people might see it before I die, which is when I expect anyone to look at my other journals, and I think that might me interesting as well as the possibility of getting outside comments on my life. I have read of tragic incidents of people keeping online journals like the girl who wrote in her journal that she was glad a classmate had died and it caused all kinds of trouble and controversy but I don't think things that would get me in that kind of trouble so I doubt I would write them. My life is either at a stand still or going nine different ways at once so maybe this could even get interesting. I'm afraid I love to write more than I have anything great to say! But we'll see...