Jessalynn to Dcotor

Nothing major, just took Jessalynn to the doctor to try to get something for her coughing that is keeping her up all night. The doctor said that they don't do that anymore, that they think it best to let them cough it out. I agree to an extent but think a night's sleep would be good, too, even if only for one night!

An Excellent Day

I found a 14 inch girl's bike by a dumpster and went to Walmart and got it a new back tire and inner tube, some training wheels and some tassels for the handgrips, and Jessalynn has a bike. :-) After school I spent the afternoon outside with her teaching her to ride. The neighborhood kids saw us out there and they all came out on their bikes so we had quite a circus going. Jessalynn did very well and was soooo cute riding her bike!! I had a great time although I am one worn out grandma right now!!! Jessalynn wants me to take her and Jenise to the park as soon as we can with both their bikes. Maybe Wednesday since it might rain tomorrow and Jessica has a four pm doctor appointment.
I got my MRSA site going again with a new article and have received a couple of comments on the site and some emails. It feels good to be involved in something like that again. I am thinking about finding another cause to champion but it won't be politics this time!
I have three new houseplants that I have adopted and they are all doing nicely and keeping me company. It feels good to be growing things again, too.
Overall, a pretty decent day!

Saturday Afternoon

I had the longest, strangest dream, likely because I slept with a Nicotine patch on. In the dream I was at a Renaissance Festival being help by John Henry in the Loess Hills. All the Meeting people were there, but they were nice for the first time in my dreams, and there were kids running around of different races, I had Winnie with me, there, too. But the weirdest thing was that in the dream I visited a huge woman confined to her bed who I knew but didn't really remember. She had a clear tub at the head of her bed and I looked in it and saw a tiny, incredibly ugly, baby, about six inches long crawling around with a small, yellow and black winged bug. It turned and said something incredibly intelligent to me and I asked the mother how old it was. She said the it was a year old and then pulled out a clear covered box containing a round hairy bug about three inches diameter and told me that it was the baby's father, (the one with the baby was a friend of the father) that he was a computer bug, and she had become impregnated by being on the Internet too much. I just said, Oh, accepting this while reminding myself to not be on the Internet so much, and continued to visit until the woman wet the bed and I got a little damp sitting next to her. I stood so she could change herself, after turning down my offer to help, and I went back to the Fair.
I received an email from Lindsey today telling me that she hoped that I got back together with her mother soon since she says her mom really needs me right now. I didn't tell her anything and have no clue what her mother told her, and have no idea what, if anything, to say in return. I will likely for now avoid the subject except that Lindsey's email says that she is going to call me today and I'm not sure how I will handle any questions she asks, her guardian angels will surely guide me...
I was allowed to sleep very late today and woke still feeling pretty punked out but hope it is due to the antibiotics working. It took me a couple of hours to get out of bed, my neck was very sore when I woke, but Jessica called and made me laugh a little and encouraged me to go through the getting out of bed process so here I am, risking pregnancy from an Internet bug...
Jeremy will go to work at five today and at that time I will take Jessalynn to Jessica's and perhaps we will go do a little shopping since we are out of milk and I need some sugar free candy. Jeremy is working up front today so he should be home at a decent hour and last night was my last time to drive Kirk to Council Bluffs, thank God. Not that he was at all unpleasant company for the drive, but the drive was definitely hurting me and my car so late and far every night.

Guilty

Since leaving the hospital I tell no one who attacked me. I saw the horror and even tears in the eyes of those thinking of their own mothers being beaten thus by thier own, and wish it no more, but then, when I simply say that I was assaulted, I too often hear, as the woman at the gas station said, "Oh No! Tell me the person who did this is behind bars where they can't hurt anyone else!" I say a simple, sad, No, guilty that this is true, and keep my reasons, right or wrong, to myself.

Tuesday, a better day

Life is getting back to what we call normal. I am getting around OK and have plenty of loving support.
The only really difficult thing is that Kirk still needs a ride after work to Council Bluffs until Friday, and that is a fifty mile drive in the middle of the night. But he says he will have arrangements by next week. They have found someone in Carter Lake who will take them in this weekend who has a car and also goes to the Methadone Clinic. I don't know how long they will last there, they lasted longer here than anywhere I know of, but they have a place for now if this goes through. I told Kirk that the Steven's Center takes in couples and helps them get set up if they are willing to work and stay drug free and he says they will go there if the thing in Carter Lake doesn't work out.
Jess is looking very pregnant, in her ninth month! and we are very excited anticipating Jasmine's arrival on October thirteenth. We worry about Jessalynn because she is so easily jealous of her mother's or my attention, but we will be extra, extra careful to show her how very much she is loved. The other day I was asking her about her friend, Ania's parents, and when Jessalynn said that they were both dead I said how terrible that was for her. Jessalynn teared up and said, "It sounds like you wish you were her mother. Do you love Ania more than me now??" Such silly, tragic, questions!!! I assured her that I loved her and told her that I thought it was just sad for any child who had no mommy and daddy.
So life goes on all around me forcing me back into it. I admit I had a bad time alone here last night after Jessica left before Jeremy came home, but if that happens tonight I'll go to Jeanette's until Jeremy gets off.
Last night I kept thinking I heard someone breaking in. I've never been afraid alone at home before! At one point I heard a loud noise in the living room and drug out one of Jeremy's swords even though I could barely lift it. It was just the cats playing and they had knocked over a vase.
When Jeremy and I finally got home after picking him up and taking Kirk to CB, Jeremy fixed me a TV dinner and said I fell asleep with my hand in the mashed potatoes. I was tired all day but too frightened alone here to sleep.
Then this morning I almost didn't get up to take Jessalynn to school. I laid here after the clock went off thinking I couldn't possibly get out of bed. I went through everyone I could think of and couldn't think of any one to call and was about to call Jess and say Jessalynn would have to miss school when I forced myself up and took her to school. When I got home I laid down by Jeremy and slept until noon, laid there drowsing a bit, until the sound of close gunfire came through the open window. Shortly after, the building was surrounded with police. I left as little later to take Jess to pay some bills and stopped and spoke to a female police officer. I told her we had heard the shot and she took down my name etc. and told me that the man in apartment ten had been shot in the leg. I asked if it was safe here for Jessalynn after school and she assured me it was.
I called Jeremy while I was waiting to pick up Jessalynn from school and he told me that the man who had been shot was a very bad man himself with a reputation for messing with young boys and threatening the neighbors and that he likely deserved to be shot. I was just outside with Jessalynn and stopped to talk to some of the neighbors who also said that he ws a very bad person. He's sitting out front right now so everyone has their kids away from him.
We hope he moves away!!!!!
I'm not deleting what I wrote in here since IT happened even though some of it was terrible. It actually felt cleansing to say some of what I have held in all these years. The horrified reactions tell me that I have lived through really terrible things, actual torture, and am very luck to be sane. I am thinking about writing all of it. I used to think about writing a book about my life with an addicted daughter titled "All She's Cracked Up to Be". The title sounds cruel, but I know there are thousands of mothers like me trying to turn their addicted daughters back into the princesses they thought they would be and finding that their little princess just isn't in there any more and will very likely never return. I have been heartened by Jami's clean up since April but can feel the pull the world of drugs still has on her. When she said last week that she would like to maybe do some drugs on the weekends once in a while after the baby is born is when I realized how very far she is from being out of it for good.

The Grief

It is hitting me hard. Gut wrenching, screaming grief to lose Jami again. Jeanette said yesterday that she knew I would be feeling like someone had died and the numbness hadn't worn off yet or something so I didn't know what she was talking about. But here it is. The horrible pity for Jami and sorrow for the little bit of time we have had. Three years.
But they weren't real. Not as long as she can still spew such terrible accusations at me like she really believes them. She does. There is deep hatred there for figments of her own imagination from being "thrown out at sixteen" to saying I was taking advantage of her now or favoring her sisters.
There is deep hatred there for her to beat me down like that.
It's not just her mental illness. It is the things her mental illness has perceived falsely all of her life. She never feels loved enough by anyone. Always insanely jealous of everyone's attention. Always blaming everyone else for her hateful behavior instead of her illness.
I cry for her feeling alone out there even though I know she still has Kirk. She knows he is only there because of a perverse love for her that takes her abuse daily so she never feels secure of even him and torments both of them with her jealousy and rage constantly driving him away and pleading for him to return.
I've tried so hard for the last three years to show her that I would always be there for her to the point that I have often come very close to losing everything in my own life. And my life itself.
I feel like I failed. I did. I couldn't take her craziness that one last time. Too sick. Too exhausted. I let her down.
I let myself down.

A rough Couple of Days

Yesterday I woke with a headache that just kept getting worse as the day went on, no matter what I tried, everything from Tylenol to Fiurocet. Jeremy went to work in the evening and Jeanette came over and stayed with me for a while, I don't like to be alone quite yet, and she was going to take me to an ER, but it was almost time for Jeremy to get home and I wanted her to go home to her kids, so I told her I would be fine until Jeremy got here. I was out of my mind with pain by the time he got home shortly after. He took me to Methodist Hospital where they immediately gave me a shot for pain. I told them that I had been sick for about a week before the injury that put me in the neck brace but they still were more interested in what had happened than my illness. I told the admitting nurse what all had happened and they put me in a darkened room to wait to do a brain scan. I had an ice pack over my face and I heard a male voice announcing he was officer so and so and I said Oh no and he replied Oh yes. He grilled me about my injuries and the police report that Dr. Gold had filed and went on and on about me giving them Jami's address and filing a formal complaint so they could go arrest her. I said I couldn't do that because she was pregnant and I couldn't be responsible for her miscarrying if she went to jail and was withdrawn off of the Methadone incorrectly there again, and that I didn't want to go through facing her in court either. He then insisted I file a Restraining Order so she could be picked up immediately if she came near me again and I said that Didn't there have to be three attacks for a Restraining Order? and he said No, do it. I had already promised Jeanette that I would, so I am going to when I feel a little better.
The brain scan showed no permanent looking damage, just small contusions, so I was given more pain meds and antibiotics for a sinus/upper respiratory infection, I was sick a week before IT happened, and they let me go home at two am.
Jeremy was off work today and I went into convulsions several times, begging to die, frightening him and Jeanette who was calling all day. After three doses of the antibiotics I slept naturally for several hours and woke feeling a little better. Jeremy made me some steamed vegetables and I kept them down, the first food I have kept in me for four days.
I must say, I do like the weight loss I have experienced.
But I know I am severely depressed and will call my psychiatrist tomorrow morning. I kept dreaming that I woke up and the apartment was all furnished different and I went looking for Jeremy and when I found him he couldn't hear me or see me. In a couple of the dreams he walked right through me.
I'm not suicidal but seem to have to fight for the desire to live. I can't shake the feeling that I wlll never be the same as the day before and can't imagine a life of less. It took me sooooo long to accept that I was disabled at all and that my back injury would never heal. I haven't ever really felt how old I am until now. Nor have I ever been so aware of how helpless I really am. Even though I knew it would likely hurt me later, I still thought that if I was ever attacked that I would still have adrenalin strength to do whatever was necessary to survive. Knowing now for a fact that that is far, far from true has changed me. I am constantly afraid now. When I walk outside I look at everyone and think They could kill me. It is not a pretty life.

Oh No...

I really blathered on in here about the past, reliving it as I wrote, and a lot of feelings I had at the time came out all too clearly and I hurt someone very dear to me, which is our Mikey, who read the blog and was horrified. For my friends who follow this blog through MyBlogLog and don't know, I want to stress here that I love Mikey very, very, much and hold no grudges no matter how bitter I might have been towards him in the past. I would love him just for the wonderful life I know he is giving Joey and Michelle, but it is much more than that. He is an incredibly intelligent, witty, loving, person who had the misfortune to fall in love with my daughter when he was very young. I watched him grow up when he went for survival training in the Air Force shortly after he met Jami ~ I don't think I've ever been prouder of anyone than I was of him when he came home from that the man he was. And yes, I watched him descend into hell and went though several years where I thought of him as a demon from hell. Not ever that he was evil in and of himself, but that he would do evil and allow evil for the love of Jami. Yes, I did accuse him of killing my grandchildren, and I firmly believed it when I said it, and still think the things he allowed during that time damaged my Lindsey for life. I only blamed him more than I do Jami because he himself claimed he would be her Savior, and then let her life be pure Hell. No one is perfect especially if you hold their misdoings up to the light of day, but, even with all I have seen and said about him, I believe Mikey to be one of the finest human beings alive and I would be very lost in this world without his friendship. I can easily say that I would give my life for his.
I hope I said all of that right.
On to the day. It was a very rough morning so I finally called my doctor and told them that I had been assaulted. They told me to come right in and Dr. Gold examined me and said that I had a fractured right collar bone and he believed my neck was actually broken. I asked how that could be when I was walking and talking and was told that was not all that unusual. (Jess told me later about a kid she saw on the news last night who had played a game of football without realizing he had a broken neck.) Dr. Gold wanted to send me by ambulance to get an ultrasound but I refused saying I had to pick up Jess, Jessalynn, and Jeremy first. Good thing I showed up at the Magnetic Imaging place right before it closed because Dr. Gold was there waiting. He himself stayed to read the results and said that I have an incredible amount of arthritis in my neck clouding the image but that I was to wear the neck brace I was fitted with (horroble cursed thing) still as if it were broken and see him next week.
I had no clue I even had arthritis!
He also filed a police report even though I asked him not to. I told him that Jami was already saying it was self defense and that there were no witnesses. He said that beating me down was like beating a newborn infant and would be reguarded that way by the law. He has strength tested me every month for over a year as well as tested my waning muscle tone and knows I couldn't hurt anyone if I wanted to. I said that I knew he was a God fearing man and what about How many times should I forgive my brother? and wasn't forgiveness divine?? He replied that I could forgive all that I wanted, but that such a crime should never go unpunished.
I have no clue how that is going to turn out but it is done whether I like it or not. He feels he can beat any defense Jami gives of self defense even without witnesses, he believes he is my witness.
I have some very dark feelings about it all. I am very ashamed that I don't want Jami here again, not only out of fear, but that I also feel anger. Outrage. That is a blight on my soul. But I also feel a searing pity for her and all she has done to herself and those who love her. I still believe that there is a very sweet person trapped in there that hates the things she does as much as anyone else, and maybe that part of her isn't even able to admit to the other part, thus perpetuating her life of denial. She is so very, very lonely and wants so much to be loved but destroys everyone who gets close to her and then cries because she feel alone and unloved. Yet she is even more complex than having the two sides because she has such a strong survival instinct when you would expect her to finally have to face herself, even to hate herself, like when she lost her chidren. There is something else there, binding it all together, and I actualy have no clue if it is truly good or evil if either.
I am not making sense to even me now. I am tired. I haven't really slept or eaten since IT happened and I am growing weak. Blood pressure was sky high today but that is assumed to be due to pain.
I'll use it now as my excuse for not making a hellova lot of sense.

...And All Hell Broke Loose

Yesterday was a black day. It started shortly after taking Jami and Kirk to the Methadone Clinic. Jami was very angry because evidently Jeremy had talked to Kirk about us being so far behind on our bills since they moved in (which we were never even late on before) and she yelled at Kirk for several hours before he left for work. He ran out of the house when it was time to go without even packing drinks for lunch and was almost crying when he got in the car. I tried to sooth him, told him she would likely fall asleep and be over it before he got home and then thanked him like I always do for being there, only half joking, reminding him that she would be going for me during these "spells" if he weren't there for her to take it all out on.
I was worried that I had left Jeremy alone with her but he was going to work in a couple of hours and I hoped I was right about her sleeping because I had several errands to run after taking Kirk to work. I got home around five-thirty and went to my room and was reading a book when Jami came in with that crazed look still and said that she and Jeremy had gotten into it before he left for work. I only grunted a little in response seeing that she was still spoiling for a fight and just wanted her to leave the room so I could call Jeremy at work and make sure she hadn't upset him too badly. But she didn't leave my room. She started telling me how upset she was that Jeremy had talked to Kirk instead of her, that it had somehow hurt her feelings even though Kirk is the one who actually makes the money they contribute here. Then she built up to saying that I had told Jeremy to speak to Kirk because it was my "chicken shit way" of dealing with unpleasant things. I told her I hadn't known about their talk until I took Kirk to work and that it wasn't a big deal, that Jeremy just asked Kirk to try to help a little when he could. The she went on about how we were using them and taking advantage in all kinds of ways and overcharging them for the bills and the gasoline they use. I told her that not only did I compute their mileage to the clinic and back and taking Kirk back and forth to work very carefully but that I never asked them to pay for the trips to the doctor or any other extra gas money they cost us. And she kept on and on insisting I was stealing from them and I finally gave up trying to reason with her or stay cool and told her to Fuck Off, losing my temper with her for the first time after three years of tiptoeing around these "spells." I picked up the phone and was clicking through the caller ID to find Jeremy's work number when she grabbed the phone from me and pulled the base out of the wall and took off down the hall. I went after her demanding the phone and grabbed her by her long braid and she swung around and grabbed me by the hair and forced me to the floor. I was as stunned by her strength (especially considering she does nothing but lay in bed) as I was by how weak I've become since my back injury. She forced me to the floor and had a grip in my hair on both sides of my head yanking it from side to side and slamming each side to the floor like she was trying to snap my neck like you see in the movies. I felt sheer terror for the first time in my life, and I tell you it is a terrible feeling! I finally just went limp and she let go of my hair and started punching me in the back of the head screaming and laughing. When I finally got to my feet I thought it was over but she then punched me in the nose smashing my glasses to smitherines. She took the phone to her room. I wildly looked around for a weapon to defend myself with if she came back but couldn't think of a single thing to use because I was so addled. (NOW I can think of a dozen things I could have grabbed!) I noticed that there was a cordless phone in my room so I went and unplugged the main phone outlet so the phone in her room wouldn't work but the one I had would. I quickly called Jeremy and begged him to get home ASAP. He was here in less than five minutes. Jami tried to tell him I attacked her and went on to say that I had attacked also her out of the blue back when she was pregnant with Joey, too, kicking her in the stomach six times. Jeremy of course didn't believe her and told her to get out of the house even if she had to go to Mc Donalds up the road and wait for someone to get her. She said that she didn't have any money for a payphone so Jeremy handed her the phone and told her to call someone and get out ASAP and meet whoever came outside. We heard a few of her calls, her pitiful story of being attacked by her crazed mother, and finally she got her cousin, Jeff, one of the few people who believe her crap anymore, to pick her up.
I refused to call the police, even today when Jeanette begged me to, not wanting to deal with all the lies she would tell and there were no witnesses. I had threatened to call the police and she told me she would say I attacked her and I asked how she would do that since there wasn't a mark on her? She replied that she would say it was because I was so weak I couldn't hit hard enough to leave a mark, which is a bit laughable with her story of being viciously attacked by me!
Kirk called because Jami had called him at work and he apologized over and over for her and said that no one had even done as much for him as we had, and that he was sure he was going to lose it all now being out on the street again with Jami. I asked him if Jami had said anything about picking him up from work and he said that he was sure she didn't arrange anything for him so we went and picked him up when he got off. I asked him where he wanted to go and he said miserably that he wanted to just go home with us and go to bed but that he loved Jami still and that he always worried that she would do something to hurt herself if he weren't around. He called Jeff and found out that Jami was at her step-mother's sister's home so we dropped him off there. I warned him to not let on that he believed Jami had done anything wrong or that he felt badly for me or she would just go for him and he quickly understood the game he would have to play with her. He mentioned all of the times that she had gone for him and then claimed he had attacked her, several of which I witnessed, so he had no trouble at all picturing what really happened here last night.
Jami called Jess later and told her how she was on the phone and I just went nuts and attacked her and, this with a pitiful sniff, how she hated the thought of striking their own mother but she had had to hit me to stop me.
Jim called tonight to find out what had happened and I told him both versions and he had no trouble, either, figuring out what had really happened. He reminded me of how Jami had attacked his wife and nearly killed her before Jim intervened and then had to fight her himself while she tried to gouge out his eyes with her fingers not long before Jami moved in with me. He said that he had no doubt that she was trying to break my neck and that I was lucky to be alive at my age in my condition. I admitted to him that it was the first time I had ever been actually terrified I was going to die, how even back when I was married to him and he would hit on me, I at least knew he wouldn't kill me. And I had the strength to defend myself.
I hate this ending to the "Help Jami Phase" of my life but so be it. I really had hoped that being off the street drugs would end her crazy spells even though we often heard her yelling at and degrading Kirk since they moved in here. At least she hadn't struck him in the last few months that we know of so I really had hope.
She didn't just look a gift horse in the mouth but kicked its teeth out. I only know of one place they can go stay and it is filthy and stinks and Jami hates it there. I'm fairly sure that is where they will be but I don't even care where they are yet. I might never again.
Kirk called Jeremy today while I was out and said that he had barely made it to work on time, the bus stop isn't too close to where he works, and that he had no way home after work and would we please give him a ride again. Jeremy said OK. I feel very badly for Kirk but I'm not so sure I would have agreed. I am exhausted and extremely sore and it was after midnight last night when we got home from taking him to Council Bluffs. I still have to get up at seven-thirty to get Jessalynn to school in the morning. But this once more. If he loses his job and everything he can blame it on his choice of a woman who will blame it, like everything, on everyone except herself.
It is amazing the spell Jami can cast over the men she can snare into her life. John is the only one I know who really broke free of her. She kidney punched him once in front of her sisters, they were quite young at the time, and then a couple of years later I ws there when she attacked him and tried to push him down a flight of stairs while he was holding a baby Lindsey. I think that is about when John started to get over her. Mikey is still in her grip somewhat and he has been the most unbelievable in his love and defense of her. Jami could lie and he would swear to it all through their marriage, and I'm sure the only reason he finally divorced her was that it became a choice between her and their two daughters when she gave birth to a very drug addicted baby, Michelle. He is still very gentle with her and even thinks about getting back together with her even after going through five years of some of the worst abuse I have ever seen or heard. I would try to tell him things like her drug addiction and about how she always had another man when he had to be out of town and he would just tell Jami what I had said to try to help him, and start a fight between Jami and me, or call me a vicious lying bitch.
Which takes me back to the second to the last time I experienced violence myself with Jami. She was pregnant with Joey and had invited me over while I was babysitting Kunashe. I saw one of her "spells" coming on and secretly called jeanette trying to get her to come get me but she was young and not familiar enough with the city to go get me. I tried to lay low hanging out with Lindsey in her room. I was downstairs and jami had a friend stop over, Carrie, and they were in the kitchen and Jami would come into the living room where I was once in a while saying rude things that I tried to ignore, but I had a lot shorter fuse back then and Jami had no problem being openly hostile with me in front of Mikey bcaue he believed all of her horror stories about how I supposedly didn't raise her. Kunashe was in the playpen when Jami came out of the kitchen and demanded that I leave. I told her I would as soon as possible and she said that wasn't going to be fast enough for her. I walked up to her and got right in her face and said I couldn't leave on foot with Kunashe and she would have to just wait until I could get out of there. Jami put her hand on my chest and pushed me back and as I stumbled back I took a swing at her nose and clipped it. She started screaming that I had attacked her and Mikey jumped between us as she was hitting and kicking me. I tried a couple of time to fight back but Mikey blocked me and held him against him where Jami could hit me in the side of the face until she got tired. I didn't even struggle after a bit and just stood there taking it. (Mikey would later ask me if I remembered how he tried to protect me.) When she quit I ran out of the house and cried for Mikey to bring me Kunashe. He did and gave me a ride to Jeanette's blaming me all the way for the whole thing. A coule of years later I visited them, I just can't get enough abuse, and Jami asked me to explain to Lindsey about why I had struck her mother. I told Lindsey it was a reaction to being pushed and that I shouldn't have and Jami went balistic screaming over and over A "REFLEX?! I said that was what it was and she said that she had never pushed me but that I had attacked her unprevoked and how she had been the one callng Jeanette all day saying there was something wrong with me. I turned to Mikey in disbelief thinking he would by now tell the truth of what happened that night and he told me that he had seen me attack Jami and that I had staggered like I was having a fit or something and that I seemed to black out a minute falling over a chair (actually the result of her pushing me) and then jumping up and attacking Jami like a crazy person. I couldn't believe my ears. (I also didn't know that by this time Mikey was also a drug adict as well as a Jami follower.) Then it went on all night. We went into the kitchen where we would smoke by the stove vent and Jami started accusing me of all kinds of ridiculous, stupid things and saying things like how I never worked while I was married to Steve, and I worked almost the entire time we were married, and she started punching me in the right arm everytime she made a statement and Mike stood there makng sure I didn't strike her back. I don't know how long this went on. Long enough I had a lump on that arm for months. After they went to bed I called Jeremy in Oklahoma and told him what was happening and then called a cab driver friend and arranged for him to pick me up the next morning. After I hung up Mikey came into the room and asked who I had been talking to and I said "Just a friend" and he said that if I was calling anyone and telling them what had happened he would take the phone away from me. I assured him that I hadn't said a word about what had happened and he went on to bed, likely taking a little more Oxyontin. The next morning I had my stuff together and out front when they got up. They came outside and I don't know what they were thinking about doing or saying but my friend, Rex, who is HUGE, pulled up in his cadillac and got out with a big gun in his hand and loaded my stuff into the trunk and we left.
But that wasn't enough for me either. I went and stayed in Oklahoma with Jeremy and his horrible mother for a few months and almost died there from a ruptured appendix. I called Jami when I got out of the hospital and told her how I had almost died and how terrible it was staying with Jeremy's mother. She was all full of sympathy and told me she would take care of me and had Mikey drive to Oklahoma to get me. Jeremy, thank God, insisted on coming with me even though I begged him not to, that I would get back with him later. We were at jami's for three weeks. She took me everywhere with her leaving Jeremy at the house with Mikey, which he hated. I had told her that Jeremy had a marijuanna addiction at the time before we got there and she said not to worry about that, either, that she would easily take care of that. Jami took me and introduced me to all of her drug friends and explained to me how Mikey was "cool" now with her doing Meth and her friends backed her up on this. After three weeks she got some weed for Jeremy and told him to hide it in the pocket of a dress I had hanging in the closet in the room we were using. The next day was a weekend and Mikey found out that his income tax return ws in but that it would cost him a hundred dollars of it to get it before Monday. Jami went nuts and screamed at him and threw pots of hot food at him until he went and got the money. She then went and got some crank. That night I was in the bathroom and had a terrible pain in my side and asked Jami to call an ambulance. I was rushed to the hospital where they said my gal bladder had to come out. It was one month since my appendix had ruptured. They brought Jeremy to the hospital and he stayed there with me all that day and then went to their house for the night. He called me after they got there telling me that Jami was screaming at him and that they were both telling him that he had to go since he wasn't family. Then to press her point home, Jami went into the closet and "discovered" Jeremy's weed and showed it to Mikey like she hadn't known about it. (MIke did Oxycintin and condoned smoking and shooting up crank but had a thing against Marijuana. Go figure.) They brought Jeremy to the hospital and never came back although I was there for another two weeks because I had liver failure from a drug allergy and almost died again after getting several blood transfusions. I tried to call Jami but Mikey always said she wasn't there and I would ask if we could just have our clothes from their house. Then they just quit answering the phone. I left the hospital in the snow wearing a hospital gown. We found shelter at a Ronald McDonald like place for the night but had to be out by the next day. I called Jeanette and asked her to drive me to Jessica's to see if we could spend the night there. She said she would ask her boyfriend and Jeanette took Jeremy and me out to eat. Jami had picked up Jess by the time we got back to Jess's house and left a note saying that she was taking Jess tanning and would be right back. It was getting late so I told Jeanette to leave us and we would wait on the porch for Jess. It was eight degrees and I was still in a hospital gown and Jeremy had only a light jacket that he tried to wrap us both in. We waited for over two hours and I finally saw a neighbor out and asked to use the phone. I called Jeanette and she called out to Jami's and told me that it ws all a big joke. That they were all over there laughing about us waiting in the cold. I tried to call there several times and got no answer so I left Mikey a message that I was calling his comanding officer if he didn't pick up. The next time I called Mikey answered and said that he was outraged at my accusations, so outraged that he was calling from outside so as to not disturb his children, and that Jami wasn't there but was broke down out of town with her step-brother Raymond. But jeanette ws definitely telling the truth ~ they were all there. She came and got us and took us to I Hop and I called Mom and told her what was going on. Mom already knew about Jami refusing to even bring us our clothes and, after hearing about what was now going on, she called my oldest brother and demanded he do something immediately. He called Mikey, who told him a story about how crazy I was and how afraid he was of me, but my brother insisted for Mom and Mikey showed up shortly after and lead us to a hotel where he paid for the night saying he would bring us our stuff the next morning. Mom had arranged for us to take the bus to her in Houston. The next day there was no answer all day at Jami's again and we had missed the bus when Mikey finally answered. He said Jami had been so upset she hadn't been able to gather our things without Carrie's help and that he would bring it that evening and pay another night on the hotel. He did show up the next day and when he was leaving I called down over the railing that he was killing my grandchildren covering up for Jami's meth use all of the time. He yelled back at me NO I'm not!!! I'm their savior!!! Yea. Maybe now, but definitely not then! All of Jeremy's stuff was there but anything of value of mine wasn't. (Two years later someone would offer to sell me my by then worthless laptop for twenty dollars.) I had viral pneumonia by the time we got to Houston after the freezing night on Jess's porch and my mother caught it taking care of me and died from it. Jami came when my mother died but didn't say a single word to me and threatened Jess and Jim, who were with her, if they spoke to me. Jess and I stared at each other over Mom's grave speaking with our eyes. She had been too easily influenced by Jami for too long and had realized it by then and has never believed Jami's stories since. Jim defied Jami and called me the next day to offer me condolances on losing my mother. After two years of peace living in Texas with Jeremy, Jami called and said that she was pregnant and strung out and needed me to return to Omaha. Jeremy and I left everything we owned, Jami assured us that Mikey would take us back to get our things after the baby was born, and we took a bus to Omaha. We got here right after Michelle Rose was born. Two days later a sherriff called from the hospital saying he was on his way over to the house and for Jami and Mikey to be there. Jami did some fast talking and told me that both of them were strung out on Oxzycontin, had been for three years, and they had both just done one before they got the call. (She swore that she hadn't been doing Meth but it turned out that Michelle was born with so much meth in her system that they said it would be two weeks before she even started going into withdrawal.) Jeremy and I tried to clean their filthy house before the police arrived but it was pretty hopeless. They said that they were not only holding Michelle but that they were there to take Llindsey and Joey, too, ticketing them for child neglect over the dirty house. Mikey finally started to see the light and threw Jami out that night so he could try to get the kids back. Jami went, of course, to cousin Jeff's and sank deeper into the world of drugs until I got my disability settlement and found her and put her in a hotel until I could rent Kirk and her an apartment. Mikey was never caught for his drug use, the Air Force knew but did a cover up for him, and he was given ten days to gut and clean the house to get Joey back. Lindsey's father had picked her up the second day the kids were in foster care and Michelle was in special drug withdrawal care for some time yet. Jeremy and I went and helped every day with the cleaning of the house and we found at least a hundred syringes hidden throughout the house. Mikey did a lot of lying through his teeth but did manage to get his kids back. Jeremy and I were totally helpless to do anything because Jami and Mikey had made sure over the years to tell Mikey's commanding officer and anyone else who would listen that I was crazy. And we never got back to Texas to get our belongings. Jessica and Patrick took us in until I got my disability and we've been here ever since.
So how did I end up whre I am today??? Jami and Kirk lost the apartment we got them, Kirk got his ribs broke by someone who came across them fighting and thought Kirk was the aggressor so Kirk ended up losing the job Jeremy had got him, and they started going to the Methadone Clinic because they were no longer able to get Heroin, the drug of choice by this time, and they ended up in a homeless shelter because they had burned every bridge and no one would take them in. Kirk was arrested for probation violation shortly after and Jami stayed on in the shelter until she found out she was pregnant. She left the shelter to go live with a strange guy named Jeff only to call me a couple of days later saying he was treating her terrible and I went and got her, and Kirk came here when he got out of jail and they were here until yesterday.
Ever since we came her after Michelle's birth I have managed to never argue with Jami about anything. I ignored her baiting and maybe was silent sometimes but was careful to never disagree with her. I just knew it wasn't worth it. My mother's dying words were to never help Jami again, which I didn't abide by, but I did my best to at least never fight or argue with her about anything. That lasted for three years with our only close call a couple of weks ago when Jami said something about geting custody of Lindsey and I said I thought she had decided it was too much for her since she hadn't done anything about it. She got angry at me asking when had she ever implied that she didn't want Lindsey (I think when she didn't even begin to fight for her) and turned it on me for not reminding her to do it. I apologized for not understanding and it was dropped.
Of course, although I know things aren't very good for Lindsey with her step-mother, I would hate to see what would happen if Jami got her back. I'll never forget a scene I witnessed in the hospital cafeteria where Michelle was born. Jami was cussing and yelling at Lindsey for something trivial, I don't even remember what, but I remember Lindsey nervously looking around at all the people staring and Jami yelling at her that she didn't give a shit if she was embarrassing her and that no one was going to help her. Jeremy and I both relive that moment over and over wishing we had stepped in for Lindsey but we were both just shocked at the viciousness of Jami's attack and how easy it was to see that it wasn't an unusual occurance in Lindsey's life.
And that is just a tiny reason I would hate to see Jami get Lindsey back. Lindsey suffered terribly throughout her mother's addiction and Mikey's defense of it all. When her father took her she asked me to confiscate her diary from her room and said that I could read it but to show it to no one.
Her life had been torture since Jami married Mikey to get custody of Lindsey back from me...
I really hope that I am really done with Jami now. Maybe it is time to take my mother's sound advice.
I hope I can.

Friday

Life is settling down a little bit. Jessica is only working three days a week now until the end of the month when she will go on maternity leave. That lightened the driving load a little bit. :-) Mornings are the hardest with having to get Jami and Kirk to the Methadone Clinic and also getting Jessalynn to school on time.
I got to talk to Lindsey twice last weekend and it was absolutely wonderful to talk to her again. She is living in a girl's home and was home for a weekend visit. I want her to come here to live so very, very, much!!! I don't believe she is "crazy" or uncontrollable. I think she is just very unhappy there. She is left home with Jennylu while John works most of the time and Jennylu is afraid of her at best and, I'm sure, more worried about how her own two children in the home are than how Lindsey feels or what she needs to be happy. John knows he has a bad situation there but is too pigheaded, proud, and stubborn, with a lot of grudges against me, to let Lindsey come here even though it would be the best thing for her. Jami and I were talking today about the things he has done to me personally in the past that were just outrageous. The one that made me the most upset at the time was when he, Jami and I had to go to a bank to get something notorized and he pulled the bank door shut behind him right in my face going in. I was so pissed I thought I was going to have a heart attack in the bank, shaking from head to toe. Then, of course, there is the time he took a friend of his sister's marijuana contaminated pee to the doctor and said that it was Lindsey's and that she had been at my home and come to visit him smelling like weed. Four squad cars pulled up around my place and tore my home apart and didn't find a trace of marijuana or anything to do with it so then he called my apartment manager and told them I had Jami living there, she was staying with me, and we were evicted for having too many people in the apartment since they were already upset about the police raid. And there are totally unspeakable things he did to Jami after they separated, from stealing money from her to sexually assaulting and degrading her. It is hard to believe that he spawned such an incredible daughter!! But Lindsey is incredible. And she is writing incredible poetry these days just like her grandma did at her age. :-)
Fall is finally here and I very much welcome the cooler days although I feel a little dread knowing the winter to come. How I wish I had raised my girls in the south!! But they are here so I am, too.

Too little change...

It's a dreary life. Nothing much has changed except I decided to not live in filth anymore. I started with putting up a note above the kitchen sink asking everyone to please clean up after themselves. That was a waste of paper. So, now I am simply doing it myself and getting a little more bitter every day. I wonder how long before I just run away from home???
I divided up thee rent and utilities between Jeremy, Kirk, and myself and somehow I am still scrambling to get the bills paid and have nothing left for myself while everyone else in this house has spending money for recreational things. Kirk makes quite a bit more than Jeremy or me but Jeremy and I make about the same and even he has a lot more money than I do. But then again, I didn't add up and divide the household expenses and no one else thinks to buy little things like toilet paper, laundry soap, dish soap, etc. I should do something about that...
Jess is going to start working only three days a week after this week and that will give me a little break physically but taking her back and forth to work is one of the simplest things I have to do. We usually have things to talk about and I often think she is the only one who hears me when I talk. Or don't talk. Her time is getting close. I think she is about eight months along now and having more and more trouble getting around and doing what she needs to do. Fortunately, she is going to be getting some help from the state when she slows down working and then more when she has to quit to have the baby.
Jami sleeps all day and Kirk sleeps whenever he isn't at work, he does work full time, and Jeremy works about thirty hours a week and lays in bed watching TV the rest of the time. He will help me if I ask but will stand in a filthy house and ask if there is anything he can do for me and it infuriates me when the answers are everywhere but he knows it takes more trouble to guide him step by step than to just do what he can plainly see needs to be done. I don't even try to ask Jami and Kirk. I know they both have eyes, too, and brains to know that I am the driver and maid here and yet see fit to do little or nothing. It would be easier to have a houseful of children because they can be assigned chores and you can take away privileges or something if they don't do them. And you expect them to not just know what needs to be done.
this does no good, ranting here, either, but maybe relieves a little stress to put it into words. I go about my days in silence mostly having nothing to say to anyone like my tongue is bitten off from the things I hold back from saying all of the time. Everyone notices. Everyone knows what is bothering me. No one here cares.
Then why do I care so very much about everything??? Am I so delusional that I actually think I might be setting some kind of example to do for others? Or maybe I just have a giving nature??? No. I think I am not only terrified of confrontation but I feel it is just useless in the long run. I have to drive everyone around so they will work and I can't stand to live in conditions that seem to bother no one but me.
How long until I decide this is all BS??????

My Life Today

Ahh, this life is getting to me. I need some kind of break perhaps to recharge. I could be getting a break if Jami can get a driver's license and take over some of the driving, especially the morning drive to the Methadone clinic. But I could be needing even more than that, and I won't get it any time in the near future. I drive Kirk and Jami to the Methadone Clinic every morning. I take Kirk to work at two and pick him up at eleven pm. I take Jessica to work at eleven am and pick her up around two thirty pm. I take Jeremy back and forth to work on no set schedule. I take care of Jessalynn while Jessica works and have her and Jeanette's kids every Saturday night. The grandchildren parts are nice, the Saturday nights are totally my choice. And school will be starting again in twelve days and I will be responsible for getting Jessalynn to and from school unless by some miracle she is approved for bussing out of her district back to Benson West, we should know about that in five days, but even then I will likely be responsible to drive her to the nearest elementary school every day to catch that bus. Then Jessica will have her new baby girl in October and need a lot of help with Jeanette giving birth to another boy in November and then Jami (boy? girl?) in January. Jeanette won't need a lot of help but the other two most likely will and I will be glad to help with their babies! but I am wearing out and sometimes even afraid. I don't have the time or energy for a good relationship with Jeremy any more. Not what he wants from me. We never have the time or money to do anything together and are seldom even alone. I even try to tell him sometimes that I am no good for him and that he should move on but that enrages and hurts him to hear. Although it is at least a little true. Some part of him must know that.
But am I happy with my life overall??? I would answer that yes in spite of the stress and pain I live with. I am surrounded by loving family by choice and wouldn't give that up for anything. I wish more of them were around, Lindsey, Mikey, Joey, Michelle...
But I'm terribly afraid of overload. My tongue is bloody lately becasuse I am so stressed out I clench my teeth all the time and have my tongue pressed hard against them. My back hurts so badly by the end of the day sometimes it feels like I'm not takng Morphine, at 120 mgs. a day!, and Hydrocodone. Just raw, harsh pain so it is hard to even walk. It is my heart that wants all I have and keeps me going. Nothing else. My mind and body know I am overtaxing both. I keep up with all our bills to keep my full household going and try to help Jessica and sometimes Jeanette keep theirs going, too, with never enough money. I ache watching Jessica working double shifts all the time, seven months pregnant now!, and still barely able to pay her bills. Jeanette has lost her phone and many other things since losing her job. It all hurts. I want to fix it all for them and can't so I do every little thing I am able to.
Heart is an amazing thing. Love. I love them all so very much.

Busy Day/Kirk's Family

Yesterday was the busy day. Jenise and Jessalynn had spent the night and we waited on Jeanette and Rob to bring Robbie so we could go swimming Saturday. Robbie got here an hour late but we still went to the pool. Jenise and Robbie were both afraid of the deep pool and Robbie adjusted quicker than Jenise. Jenise wouldn't trust her floatie, she had to cling to one of us, too, and preferred playing on the wide steps into the shallow end. Robbie was game to float around clinging to a floatie with one of us near to guide him but he seemed more thoughtful about the swim than thrilled. Jessalynn was a little put out that tJenise and Robbie needed so much attention because she is an old hand at this pool thing. She can and does go all over the pool with floaties, but I had Jeremy watch the little ones a couple of times and took Jessalynn swimming with me and that made things better. I left Jeremy at the pool with the kids for a half hour while I went and picked up Jessica from work and then I went back for a quick dip and we headed home around four because Jeremy had to be to work at four thirty. AND we had company over for a fajita dinner. Kirk's three daughters, one of their boyfriends, and an ex-boyfriend of Kirk's ex-wife, and four children (two belonging to the ex-wife's friend and two to Kirk's daughter). Jami was a nervous wreck about the planned dinner and yelling at Kirk for I'm not sure what while getting ready in the morning and then angry all through the visit because Kirk was drinking beer while he was bar-b-queing the fajitas, he had a total of four beers for which Jami still hadn't forgiven him when it was bed time, sleeping on the couch in the living room to express her anger through the first part of the night. I also went and picked up Jessica for the evening because Jami wanted her family properly represented. The evening went quite well aside from Jami's anger at Kirk. Kirk's daughters seem to be really sweet girls, the youngest almost seventeen and the oldest twenty two.
I was in terrible pain by the end of the day. I think it was playing at the pool, lifting the kids in and out and just playing too long for me and then rushing home to get the fajita dinner prepared. I could hardly walk when it was time to take Jessica home but I had Jeremy rub some Voltaren Jell on my back and I took some hydrocodone and Soma and feel quite a bit better this morning.
Today is going to be our hottest day yet with the temp prediction at 99 degrees. I am NOT looking forward to the times I have to get out today...

BS

JP called last week and told Jami that Lindsey was in a mental institution for attacking Jennylu and told Jami that he was sending Lindsey here. Then he called the next day and said that he didn't want her coming here, that he was planning to send her to Boy's Town here, and then later he called and said he wasn't sending her up here at all but that she was going into a girls correctional facility. And through all of this he is telling Jami that she signed away all of her parental rights when he got Lindsey several years ago but Mikey says that all Jami signed was permission for JP to take Lindsey out of state. Jami is still checking on that. It is all soooo frustrating, mostly because there is no way to verify anything that JP says and we all know he is a consumate liar and that he acts more out of his own spitefulness than in Lindsey's best interest any day. Everyone Jami has consuled agrees with me that Lindsey's problem sounds largely environmental and that it would be good ofr her to be with her mother, which is the one thing she is asking for down there and the one thing being denied her. Well, not the ONE thing being denied her. She gets denied a lot of things for misbehaving and she gets denied the priviledge of living in a 100% loving environment being with Jennylu, who is afraid of her at best.

A Saturday

Of course it turned out JP was lying about the child support he had paid Jami. there was not five thousand in the bank waiting for her but three hundred that had been taken from him at thirty seven dollars every two weeks for however long it took to become three hundred dollars in her account. Not nearly what he was claiming. He was trying to make some kind of deal with her to sign off on the rest of what he owes for having paid five thousand of it but I think the three hundred is a deal breaker.
I have never met such a compulsive liar in my entire life.
Add to that he called a few days ago to say that they have committed Lindsey again and are thinking about making her a ward of the state. It is all such bullshit that they can't handle her but won't give anyone else a chance like no one could do anything JP can't do even though it is obvious he is greatly handicapped by the fact that his present wife is afraid of and likely doesn't care so much for Lindsey.
I took Jami to the dentist yesterday and they fixed all of her bottom teeth that are left but say all of the top teeth will have to be pulled and replaced and Medicaid will only cover one thousand of the one thousand nine hundred it will cost...
The guy who hit my car from the front is supposed to get together with us today but he hasn't answered his phone yet today. I'm not too worried. He was out of town yesterday and is likely just sleeping in....

Two Car Crashes

I was in two wrecks last week. A kid backed into me crumpling my hood and busting out the headlights on the driver's side taking Jessica to work and then two days later I got rear ended at 72nd and Military taking Jeremy to sign up for FEMA. That was a three car pile up but it didn't damage the car really. Just Jeremy. His back has been hurting worse and worse since the wreck. I took him to a chiro Friday and they think they know what is wrong but will discuss his X rays with him on his next appointment. An uninsured kid was driving the first vehicle that hit me. Fortunately, the woman responsible for the next accident had insurance so Jeremy's care will be paid for.
I paid the fee to use the swimming pool at Jessica's town homes, well, I paid it with money Patrick had given me to take Jessalynn to the public pool sometime, so I would have a pool I could take her to daily to teach her to swim. We went for the first time today, just Jessalynn and me, and mostly played and got her used to paddling around with different floaties. I think this is going to be fun for both of us and make the sumer vacation much better. :-)
JP told Jami that he has been paying on his back child support for Lindsey and that there should be quite a bit of money waiting for her so we are going to check on it tomorrow. I really hope he is telling the truth, he wouldn't have any reason to lie, but experience has told me that doesn't always matter with JP. He has always been Honesty Challenged...
And life goes on. My three pregnant daughters are healthy and doing well. We know Jessica's is a girl and Jeanette's is a boy. It may be a few weeks before we find out what Jami's is.

Disaster Relief

Omaha is getting disaster relief for that big storm that blew through here during Mikey's visit. They are giving away food stamp cards, the amount on them according to how many in your household, but you have to brave the long lines in the heat to get them before it is all gone. We have gone for the last three days but never managed to get there early enough so we are trying again today if I can get Jami ad Kirk moving.
Kirk got his old job at First Star Fiber back a couple of days ago so we should be OK financially here if we can make it until he starts bringing in money. It's pretty rough right now just affording the cigarettes and gasoline. I'm afraid we will lose cable, internet and phone for a while but at least hopefully we will have all we need to survive. Jessica is having a very hard time, too, still and a lot goes to helping her get to and from work.
Jami and Kirk are stirring. Gotta go.

Fourth of July

Not too much going on here right now but I am thinking about taking Jami, Kirk, Jessica and Jeremy to Lake Mannawa for the fireworks. We wanted to go to the ones at Harrahs like we have for the last four years but they were last night and we missed them. Jessalynn is with Patrick's family tonight, she has been with us the last few years for the fourth, but she is going to the ball game with them and will get to watch the Rosenblat fireworks there later.
Jeremy and Jessica worked and the rest of us didn't get much accomplished this week. I took Jenise for her first dentist appointment yesterday afternoon. She did very well but will have to have a lot of dental work done soon.
Tomorrow night Jessica is planning a Bar B Que here. I haven't gotten a hold of Jeanette yet to make sure they will come but I hope they will.

Jeanette's Birthday

Not only are Jami, and Kirk, home now but Mikey and the girls are here. Lindsey was here for a couple of days but had to leave at noon today.
Jami is cooking tater tot casserole for supper and Jeremy baked Jeanette a birthday cake we will have with ice cream for desert. Jeanette is on her way over here with her children.
Yesterday we all went swimming at Gallager Pool and as we were leaving the tornado sirens went off. Rob picked Jeanette and their kids up and they got home before the storm got here but the rest of us got caught in it. Mikey had Jami, Lindsey, Michelle , Joey and Jessalynn with him and Jeremy and Kirk rode with me. There were 90 mile an hour winds with torrential rain and golf ball sized hail. Mikey pulled into a Jiffy Lube for cover with the girls screaming and crying. I kept driving at a snails pace through the storm even though at times I couldn't see the road and I had no idea where I was from 72nd to 90th street when the storm passed as quickly as it blew up. There were downed trees and power lines everywhere and 120,000 Omahans were without power, including us. I stopped and picked up Jessica who hadn't gone swimming with us and we all came here. Patrick picked up Jessalynn to go to his sister's wedding rehearsal, Jessalynn is the flower girl, and we went to one of the few places open for business, the Taco Bell near us, and it took almost an hour to get our food but we had enough tables for all of us and had dinner there.
Lindsey is only a hair shorter than her mother now and absolutely elegantly beautiful. I couldn't feast my eyes on her enough in the short time we had with her! Joey and Michelle have grown up beautifully, too. Joey remembers all of us but we are all like strangers to Michelle except for her mother. It is very obvious that Mikey has worked hard to keep Jami alive for them during their long absence. Joey is sweet and affectionate to us all but Michelle is a little harder for me to get closer to. I don't push it. I am mostly glad that she is so bonded to her mom. She is like a little fairy angel so very, very petite. Mike is Mike and a real joy to be around again. He lights us all up with a spark we have greatly missed without him around.
I'm going to hate it when this visit is over tomorrow.

While trying to get Jami freed

I am waiting on a call from child support enforcement to get Jami a court date set or make arrangements to pay or something to get her out.
Jami told me that the judge told her that she had lost all parental rights and that the girls were "adopted out" during the divorce and also that he told her about things that were said about her during the proceedings, she says by Mikey or his family, that greatly upset her. I emailed Mike about it and he called back pretty quick and denied all of it and I do believe that he didn't intend to do this if it was done. He also said that he had not said bad things about Jami and that he still had a lot of feelings for her and that he hadn't given up on them working things out someday. That knocked me for a loop. I emailed Mikey nd told him that I knew that Jami, too, hoped that they would get together again someday and haven't heard any more from him. I didn't tell him what I think about it yet.
Even if they love each other still, how can they live together with the way his family feels about Jami??? Mikey and the girls are very close with his family. PLUS it would mean Jami living in Minnesota among all of them without even me for support. Yes, it would be wonderful for the girls to have both of their parents but I just don't see how it could ever be a happily ever after. And I want happily ever after for all of them.

Jami Not Released!!!

Jami went to court this morning and the child abuse charge was dropped and she was given a fifty dollar fine for the driving under suspension and I went to get her out of jail and they told me that there was still a hold on her for the blasted child support. I contacted her attorney and he said that the child support went though a different court, civil court, I think, and that she would need a different court appointed attorney to take care of that for her. He said that he would help us get it all together Monday.
No one bothered to tell Jami that there was a hold on her so she sat in the jail all day waiting for me to pick her up until she called at five and I had to break it to her that she wasn't getting out. It was one of the most horrible things I have ever had to do. One of the most heartbreaking. She was so bewildered and shocked and then so very very sad. I could hardly think of what to say to get her to hang in there and hope a while longer. She sounded defeated until I mentioned trying to get her a PR bond. Then there was a tiny spark of hope that I pray will keep her through the long weekend we have ahead. I told her to call all through the weekend and she said that she would.
I am praying for a miracle but I doubt very much she will be out to see her children when they come to town next week. Their first visit and I doubt there will be another any time soon.

I hope to be able to do something to get Jami out. First I have to get her an attorney. Then try to get her a PR bond, if not that, a bond reduction, and get a court date set. I need to check with child support to find out if by chance John has been docked for any of the child support he owes Jami in the last three years and maybe there is some money there for Jami's. Her five hundred dollars in bond money at Sarpy County was forfeited today for some reason so that is gone.
OK. One good thing. The child abuse charge getting dropped. Jami plead guilty to it at first this morning but the judge didn't accept her plea because he felt the charge was wrong. He explained that she might never get her children back if the charge stuck or even be able to keep any future children. She was still going to plea guilty to get it all over with but then the judge decided to just drop the charge.
I just have to preserve her for the long run now. Keep her going until she can see that there is still hope and time for all her dreams. This is likely the hardest night she has ever spent in jail. But she has lived through much worse nights! She is my daughter. She is a fighter. I just have to keep her fighting through the darkness and do all I can to bring her light.
I will fight for my daughter with all my might.

Mikey and Girls ar Coming for a visit!!!

Yep. finally. Mikey is bringing the girls to Omaha next Wednesday. I do wish it were at a better time for us, Jessalynn is going to be tied up with a wedding over the weekend, but at least they are coming. Mike says that Lindsey is going to be in town, too, at that time but that she doesn't want to see any of us. What can I expect when she lives with a man who despises me and my family and tells her things like "You would never get anywhere in life if you had stayed around them"? Plus I hear her being more and more like him each time I manage to speak to her and it is disheartening to say the least. Plus they are all into this BIG thing about how all of her problems come from her Mother, and some of them do, but as time goes on I see Jami becoming the scapegoat for all her problems. How could it be otherwise when John finds himself perfect and actually says that his wife is perfect?? there is no hope for Jami or any of us at this time. I just hope Jami won't be hurt by the snub.
I look forward to seeing Mikey and Joey and Michelle and am thankful that Mikey at least doesn't poison any of us to them including their mother. He is more mature than John and sees the big picture more clearly. Jami is their mother and I and my girls are part of their family and always will be.

Jami is getting out!!!!!

Jami called today and said that her lawyer finally talked to her and he said that $1700 isn't enough child support to be in jail for and that she will go to court Friday and get time served for the driving under suspension and probation, if anything, for the child abuse charges since Mikey's charges were dropped. She will have sixty days to make arrangements with the child support office for back pay and to get her driver's license. And she will be HOME. I was out and she called every fifteen minutes until I got home to tell me. I can't describe the joy I feel. I am still a little scared that something might go wrong but can't wait until Friday.

It is a beautiful day today, sunny with a cool breeze. I hope Friday is this nice for Jami!

Father's Day

I emailed Mikey and Beaver happy father's day and still have to take Jessalynn to take one to her father. Jeremy hasn't gotten any yet but I know he is going to get one from Jessica and one from Jessalynn.
Jeremy returned to work today and is doing OK so far. His gout problem really worries me. I need to investigate it more to find a reason for it and how to prevent it. I worry a lot about him. I think his body is older than his years from the Epilepsy. His seizures seem to be under control for the first time in the six years that I have known him. He has had a couple during the last few months but they have been mild for him.
I have my grandchildren here today. They have been playing together very nicely today. I love the way they love each other. It is a shame my other grandchildren don't even now any of them. Jessalynn and Jenise both still ask for Joey. I don't think Joey and Michelle miss these guys much since they have the Manning clan but I wonder sometimes how much of us is in those girls. I know Lindsey has a lot of our family in her. She is very creative and has that sharp edged sense of humor I see in my daughters. She is also Bipolar, there is some bad to us, too! But being Bipolar isn't that terrible if it is understood and taken care of. I do hope it misses Joey and Michelle since they aren't around any family who know what it is like to have and I don't even know it anyone up there would recognize it if it started to develop in one of them.
I am rambling. I'm writing while stopping every minute or so to help the kids with something. I have a monster mask on right now. It makes it a little hard to write.
Jami called last night and cried a lot and said that she won't be calling any more because it just makes her too sad.
I'd better stop now.

Gout

Jeremy is down with gout again and has been in bed resting it for three days and it still isn't much better. He says he is still going to work tomorrow but I don't know if he will be able to. I am very worried about his health these days. He is overweight and eats way too much junk. I think eating all the KFC might have something to do with the gout even though I have never heard anything about chicken causing it but I have heard about excess causing it. And diabetes.

Jami's Methadone Withdrawal

I saw Jami again yesterday morning and she was very upset with how the withdrawal off of Methadone is going. Earlier this week she started having dreams about doing heroin again and she has had them every night now and they get worse and worse so heroin is all she can think about. She wants to get out and get some heroin right away except for thinking about coming here and living happy like she was before they arrested her. I don't know quite how to comfort her except to assure her I will get her to the methadone clinic ASAP when she gets out.
I have been trying to call her lawyer all week with no response and we really need to know what she is facing in there so she can get her mind set right for it. She is also having to do without her Bipolar or depression meds in there, they won't even give her Tylenol, and I am very worried about her.
We had over forty tornadoes touch down around us Wednesday night and four boy scouts did at a camp by Little Sue. I thought about my grief over Jami and did take minute to look at the grief those parents must feel. At least I am not suffering that.

Tuesday Morning

I visited Jami this morning and put eighty dollars on her books. We had a pretty good visit. She was late coming out because she was with the nurse. She was very pleased with the money and said it would provide all that she needs in there. She finally got moved to a bigger pod and has other women to talk to and play cards with, etc. She got in a fight with a woman in the secluded pod last night and I'm glad if that is what it took to get her out of there!
Jeremy had to be at work at nine fifteen this morning so he had to walk to work even though he has a hurt knee and is limping. He went and played poker with his buddies last night until about eleven thirty. I'm glad he gets to do it but it was a little hard being here alone. Jessalynn called later and asked to come over for a while so I went and got her until it was time to get Jeremy and that helped.
Jeanette called as soon as I got home this morning. She and the kids are still sick with the stomach flu and pretty miserable. Then right after we hung up Jessica called. Jessalynn is wanting picked up again but I have to get the white laundry done first.

Sunday Night

I feel a little better today. the deep feeling of grief has lifted again a tiny bit and I have been fairly functional. Jessalynn went home with Heidi around six pm and Jenise and Robbie are still here but Rob is on his way.
I finally got to talk to Jami this morning. I was worried when she didn't call me yesterday on my birthday but then found out that the phones were out at the jail yesterday. She sounded very down again today but she did say that having a radio would make a big difference to her and today I got the money to get her a radio this week. I'll take her money when I visit her Tuesday Morning.
Jessica is due in October, Jeanette in November, and Jami is due in December so it should rain babies this fall around here. I am excited. I have a crib and a bassinet here and most of another crib ready here.

Dark Days

Shortly after I last wrote I went to CB and brought Jami home with me to live. It was wonderful to have her here finally but I only got to have her for a few days and I got pulled over for a missing front license plate and they asked for Jami's ID and arrested her for Nonpayment of Child Support and two old warrants in Sarpy County, Driving Under Suspension and Child Abuse from when Michelle was born. I am devastated. I think a lot about the expression "prostrate with grief" because I definitely have been since they drove off with her. It has been a little over a week now I think, I lose track of time, it is all a blur of pain. I hurt so badly for her it is hard to breathe sometimes. They refused to give her Methadone so she has had to go through the horrifying withdrawals in there, one of the most inhumane jails I know of. I have been to visit her twice and have been able to keep her supplied with the money for necessities so far. I have never been this sad about her being arrested before, I think because she was doing so good and I was so proud of how she was doing and was loving having her here with me so very much, and because she is pregnant and I know she wants this baby to make it so very very much. She has been able to hear the baby's heartbeat twice since her arrest when seeing the jail nurse. She was spotting a little a couple of days ago but it stopped.
She is terribly sad, too, and cries more than she ever has in jail before for many of the same reasons that I cry for her. She also deals with missing Kirk who she had just been able to talk to on the phone regularly since she had been staying here and now that is lost to her, too. I mailed her a picture of Kirk and her today that I hope she gets Monday.
After Jami had been in jail a few days I realized I was sick as well as grieving and I am on antibiotics for a urinary tract infection now and feel somewhat better. The fever is gone but the terrible feeling in my heart and gut haven't let up much. It was a little better last night, I think because I slept with Jessalynn cuddled to me. But the darkness descended as soon as I woke this morning and almost seems worse than ever. Maybe because it is also my birthday today. I didn't celebrate the day at all. Everyone wished me a happy birthday and Jenise and Robbie gave me a beautiful card. Jessalynn and Jeremy brought me a birthday hat statue. That is about all the celebrating I can take for now. I'll throw a party when I get Jami back.
We have no clue how long Jami will be in jail. Sarpy county is notorious for being very harsh. Here in Douglas County a person gets a ticket and a small fine for first offense shoplifting. A woman in with Jami got sentenced two months for first offense shop lifting in Sarpy last week. I spoke to her public defender and am supposed to call him back this week after he has all of her paperwork and can discuss what might happen to her. Jami says that Nonpayment of Child Support is an automatic 90 days in Sarpy County and then you still have to pay the back child support. And keep up with the ongoing.
I have to stop for now. I have Jessalynn, Robbie and Jenise here tonight as usual. Jami was going to go spend the night with Jeanette tonight while I had all of the kids and have a sister slumber party. Jami was so excited about it and now is so sad to miss out on it.
I have tired cranky kids here tonight. Time to go liven them up or put them to bed.

Menorial Day

I just had a pleasant hour talking to Michelle and Joey. The phone died as soon as Mikey got on the phone to talk so maybe I'll get to speak to him next time.
I had the grandkids Friday night and Saturday morning Jenise and Robbie got up first and made a tea party in the living room with KFC chicken, sliced cheese and chocolate syrup. Jessalynn slept through the whole thing or she would have alerted us. It was quite a mess to clean!!!!!!!
We had a quiet Sunday and Jeremy had to work overtime today and just got home. We are headed to Walmart and then stopping to pick up Jessalynn for the night.
I emailed John today. I hope it is gracefully received.

Long Time No Write

I have had dial up internet since we moved across town and hated it so much I never wrote in here and barely emailed even Beaver. We just got high speed internet again last week.
We love the new apartment we live in. It feel great to be out of the ghetto and the apartment is just perfect for us. Jeremy is working at the KFC a few blocks from here and what we save on gasoline makes up for the cut in wages he suffered going into fast food. Now he is also delivering hot tubs on the side and we are doing pretty well. It'll be better after next month when we finally pay off the car.
The big news here is that all three of my daughters are pregnant. I think they are due in October, November and December, youngest to oldest, Jami just having found out she is pregnant last week.
Jeanette lost her job shortly after she got pregnant and they are struggling hard right now to make it. Jessica doesn't seem to have much support of any kind from Meezie. He actually wanted her to get an abortion and has been pretty much an ass ever since she refused. Jami and Kirk had been living at a homeless shelter called the Micah House when Kirk got arrested for violation of probation and then shortly after Jami found out she was pregnant. She is still at the Micah House and pretty miserable there alone. They are making her move out next Tuesday and she will be moving in with Jeff D. and Kirk will join her there when he gets out of jail in about fifty days. So all of my girl have their problems at this happy time of their pregnancies but everything will work out somehow.
Oh, I should also mention that Jami and Kirk have been going to the Methadone Clinic for several months and Jami is still going while he is locked up. The doctor at the Methadone Clinic recommended a doctor at University who is good dealing with moms on Methadone and I went with her to her first appointment and all seems well.
Today was the last day of school for Jessalynn. I took her to school breakfast this morning and we had a great time. I am sorry for her that she will miss school but I won't miss getting up at seven-thirty Mon thru Fri!!! We hope to do all kinds of things with Jessalynn this summer to make it fun for her. I take Jessica to work and pick her up now and I will be keeping Jessalynn wile she is working, which is only from eleven-thirty to about two-thirty.
I have been getting Jessalynn, Jenise and Robbie every Saturday for the night except for this week I have them on a Friday night. I have a pretty good time with them and try to plan fun activities. They mostly love going to the playground but it is all rainy and yucky this weekend.
That's all for now. Just a quick update. See ya.

Friday

The CV joint broke in the car a block from the house today. We had the car towed to Midwest Automotive and fixed, a little over two hundred dollars for the tow and repair. We could have had it done cheaper by the neighbor but we needed it done ASAP and paid the price. This delayed us getting our apartment until next Tuesday because they are closed tomorrow and then Monday is President's Day.
I don't know how we are going to afford everything with this new disaster but we will get through it somehow. We aren't exactly totally unlucky ~ the car could have broke down at a lot worse times in a lot worst places. At least we were both there and could walk home.

Friday Morning

Maple View Apartments called us back and said we could have the apartment after all s today we go to pay the first half month and get the keys. Next month is free with the special they have going so we have a big break there.
Now there is soooo much to do. Packing this place and cleaning it out the best we can, getting rid of Brandy, finding out what to do with Asia if Jeanette won't keep her a couple of weeks until Jess has the money for her pet deposit, and getting the utilities put in our names as cheap as possible.
I'm so afraid we will fall on our butts. The car needs front end work and Jeremy still doesn't have a job and so much can still go wrong. Money will be our big problem as it has been for a long time. Jeremy has to find some kind of job no matter what it is!! But we are moving out of the ghetto and starting a new phase of life. That is a little exciting even though it is all so full of ifs. I'm pretty sure the car is running on prayers and so are we.

Wednesday Morning

I woke at four am and can't go back to sleep. I keep thinking about what we are going to do about a place to live. We went to try to get into the nice apartments we have a deposit on and they turned us down because of Jeremy's income. She said she would see what she could do since our deposit is non-refundable ad we will know by noon tomorrow but I doubt we will get it.
Sooooo, we can either move into the apartments where Jami lives and buy a gun, we've already shopped around for one and decided on a Derringer, or we could ask Kenny and Robin to move in with us. Neither plan is perfect. Jones Road would be a dangerous place to live and we would have to do something about Brandy (who might have just settled that problem because she just ran off when I let her out to potty) and the place is not so nice. We get along with Kenny and Robin well but there is always that fear of ruining a friendship by moving in together. My head just goes around and around with the question. We have to decide something by Friday when rent is due here.

Friday Night

The Omaha Steel job fell through and none of the others Jeremy has applied for have called yet except for one staffing place that sent him on an eleven dollar an hour job today and they want him back there tomorrow. Nice but not going to save our butts.
I've been looking at cheap apartments, even went to where Jami lives and put a one bedroom on hold but we probably won't take it since it is on the fourth floor. I went and talked to MAC realty today but they don't have any vacancies in the apartments I want and the one they do have is off of Ames, only $400 a month including utilities, but I forgot to ask about the deposit or the cats. If Jeremy had any kind of a job we could move into the apartment we chose when I thought we were getting section 8 for a two bedroom. That is what I really want but I'm pretty sure we are going to have to settle and take whatever is cheapest and hope to move up in the world ASAP.

Snowy Tuesday

We're having a snow storm that is making the streets really slick. I had to park about half a block away and walk home.
Kenny and Jim have both been talking to supervisors at Omaha Steel about them hiring Jeremy and we should know tomorrow if they succeeded in getting Jeremy the job. This job hunt has been gruesome with a lot of hopes shot down over and over. It's been terrible for both of us although maybe toughest for Jeremy because he is the one that keeps getting turned down. Also because he is the man and I'm disabled so he feels like he is failing to take care of us, too.
Jami and Kirk have been fighting for about a week and I think the drug use has been high, too. They were both calling me through it all until Jami broke their phone that they just paid for. I think Kirk should call it quits and give up the war. Jami talks like she hates him most of the time and their neighbors say that Jami is starting the physical fighting so her Bipolar condition is likely playing a big part in what is going on. She also has a man on a rescue Jami mission, her new boss, Jim. He wass frantically searching for her last night and when he found her at Creighton ER he took her to his apartment complex and put her up in an apartment there to keep her safe. This is a married man but I think he is under Jami's spell for now.
It is nice having our house to ourselves. We've been living with someone or had someone living with us for the last three years. Jess still has some stuff here and we have to clean out the basement of tons of trash left behind but the upstairs has been clean for three days now. :-)
We are considering moving to some apartments across town but I'm still not sure we can afford it.

Saturday

I'm in a foul funk of a mood. Yesterday OTC called and said they won't be hiring Jeremy after all because they found the shoplifting charge in his background check. My head is just spinning with trying to figure out what to do. We can't afford to stay here even if we took in someone to split the bills, definitely can't afford the apartment I wanted, not even sure we can afford to move over where Jami lives. I'm thinking about putting everything in storage and moving to the homeless shelter but I think they will take all of my disability check if we do. Jeremy barely comprehends our situation, I have to explain it to him over and over and listen to him whine about all the things we can't have or do. We got his income tax return and he was dismayed to hear that I plan to fix the car with it but having the car running is a huge priority. To top it all off I am having some kind of back pain crisis that has me laid up so I can barely walk or drive.
I feel like the only grown up who understands what is going and it is a lonely feeling. I feel trapped in this broken body and stuck in a situation I can't do anything about. Helpless. Hate that! Can't shut off my thoughts spinning around and around trying to find a way to survive and not lose everything. How to buy enough food to survive and a place to live. I'd live in the car for a while but it is too cold still to consider. And it's a pretty small car...