Another day...!!??

 I guess I'll will be surprised every day from here on out that I'm Still Here. (Sorry haters!!)  It made me think of waking at Barefoot's with Jeremy.  How I would pop up ready to get busy on whatever project I was in the middle of and Jeremy would groan that I couldn't just ever want to smoke a doobie and CHILL with him but he always wanted to be doing what I was doing so he got Up, too.  IT WAS THE BEST LIFE. Hardly seems possible if I just look at our circumstances from them.  Mom has just died.  Barefoot was in prison. I had No Family at all and Jeremy pretty much didn't either.  It was like we lived in our own little island. No money,  no car,  just living by our wits day by day. In a teepee!! I wonder now if it was ever possible for us to stay in that bubble?? If Jami hadn't called in labor with Michelle, if I hadn't returned here to be "Mom and Grandma", how long could that life have lasted??  Would we still be happily there together?? My family here would have survived without me the same as if I had died in Texas, maybe even survived Better. I used to say that I "won" the divorce with Steve because he was missing out on having the children and grandchildren. Yep. All the Joy and all the Pain and Misery of them all.  I'm a lot less smug about that Win now!! He took his new life and ran with it.  I started a new life,  then I threw it away for this reward.  I could have experienced the Pride and Joy long distance like Steven has and maybe missed all of the direct kicks in the teeth like he has. Familiarity breeds contempt. ? . 

I'm sorry,  Jeremy. I've always said that you should have stayed in Texas like I begged you to at the time.  The truth was that we should have Both stayed. None of this was your fault.  

The Stalker

 Funny how sometimes you can feel death taking a step closer.  Sometimes it is blatantly noticeable,  like a new diagnosis, but more often it is more subtle.  Like just realizing one day how old you have grown.  Or just knowing how many times you had to beat the odds to still be breathing.  I feel like death took a step closer recently.  Maybe the realization of mortality because my leg stopped cooperating?? No.  That's not death.  I think I stated that as more of a fear of living! I start wondering the where, when,  why,  how.  Ideally I wish it could happen in a hospital after a short stay.  Not in the house I leave to my family.  Not to be"discovered" dead by one of them!! The whole"I can't wake Grandma!" thing is just *shudder*.  

I really need to update a Living Will...

This Can't Walk thing

 Driving me crazy.  It's been raining so I can't do much outside. I would just sleep away the days but the leg hurts so much! there is not a comfortable position. So I am neither awake or asleep. 

A lot of driving Jazz and Kira.  Feeling bad I have to ask them to help with gasoline again but again these are different times than when Jlynn was saving for a car.  Keeping up with the household costs and the house insurance etc. is so hard to do!! Then add driving the girls over 600 miles a week...  It's just to much.  I told Dave how hard this is,  that we have a huge water disconnect, and he said he would be out the next day and went downstairs.  The next morning I told him I really didn't want that,  what I WANT is for him to start bringing in money.  He was so relieved!! He should have given me a minute more!! But he gets it now and,  BONUS!, he got rid of the monstrosity in the entryway!! I was suggesting dragging it outside and taking an axe to it but he took the time to disassemble it and put the pieces out back where I can actually make use of some of it.  

So.  I need this gloomy weather to stop and I need my left leg functional again!!!!! I guess that's asking a lot?? This body is just getting too old, I know. My fear lately is that I will be nonfunctional but ALIVE still.  What a cruel end!! and likely people wishing a cruel end on me.  But that would be cruel on those around me,  too, and hopefully no one wishes evil fit them!!

Oh and I really think things are better with Kira. I was afraid that it was fake nice at first but she really seems sincere. ??. I try very hard with her!! I know she's gotten the shit end of the stick in so many ways in her little life so far!! Yes,  she can be rude and often lacks empathy or understanding, a lot of that in ways that she has no control over! but I believe she has a good heart that will out shine all of that with a lot of love and just some things going right for her.  

CANNOT HAVE JESS UNHAPPY

 That saying years ago, "If Mamma's not happy, NOBODY IS HAPPY." 

That is Jess here.  She does her BEST to run this mess.  And it shouldn't be a Mess for her. I know a HUGE part of this is Jami. She has taken over half the basement and all of the storage areas and trashed them. She says I never bother to go look when they are cleaned up!! It should All Always Be Clean. No one here except Kira and Jazz even work outside the home.  ONLY Jess consistently works IN the home and I see her cleaning and cooking from 10 am to 6 pm EVERT DAY and then she gets out again to pick up everyone's mess in the kitchen and run the dishwasher. She knows how many dishes she should have in the kitchen!!!! Sometimes half are missing! But NOT in her room, my room, Jazz's room or even Kira's room any more.  WHERE ARE THEY. IN THE BASEMENT.  THE ONLY ROOM WE DON'T CHECK. YET. I put up a famous sign. As usual, like the one to scrape and rinse dishes. IT IS IGNORED. 

JESS IS NOT HAPPY. 

I am going to do everything to MAKE HER HAPPY. If I have to take dishes from living areas I will take Everything Around Them. Maybe the people, too.

Also, this is partly on me. The furniture piled in the Living Room. I Will take care of the Vanity and Loft BED and the books. But WHY IS THAT RIDICULOUS MONSTROSITY JAMI DRUG HOME STILL HERE????!!!!

AGAIN, I will get help to get rid of it but will EXACT A HUGE PRICE THERE,  TOO.

No one cares about pissing off, stressing, Jess. I won't care either. I'm done caring about entitled, lazy, PROBLEM, NON-CONTRIBUTING PEOPLE. 

DONE.

Oh, I'm sick of hearing Mike's car will be gone "in a few days" too.

Peek a Boos

 I see in my stats where there was a sudden spike in views around when Dave says Lindsey found and started sharing this.  Before that,  since 2009, ?, I only had some people in other countries who found this and asked to follow it to see some American life.  (Of Course I said Yes after telling them my life might not be the best depiction!) and now I still see 4 to eight views happening on each entry. I only have 5 overseas,  who don't check in every day,  and i just hope Lindsey is not one of the ones reading Every Day. I don't want her to be worried about/concerned with checking what I'm writing every day.  I just want her to get over it.  Move completely on.  Have better things to do. Are u there little girl?? If u are, I know that you were hugely offended I didn't MAKE Jami do what you wanted.  I want you to understand 2 things.  

1. If I could MAKE Jami do any thing I would have MADE her stop using drugs 40 years ago. Make her give up the meth Now. Stop seeing Mike!, shoplifting, taking other people's things,  lying, etc. And throwing her out Never Changes Anything AND she is a fricking boomerang! anyways. 

2. I KNEW you would serve No Time even if the charges stuck and, I admit, I had a small hope that you might end up with probation so u would HAVE TO stop doing drugs or risk failing a drug screen. I've already said both of those things. And I am aware that you have an image to uphold with Jake, maybe some Mannings?, and others that you don't do illegal amphetamines and being hateful to me validates your lies. But I know the truth. Not just from the way you were the last several times I saw you but since then I have talked to people who smoked meth with and got meth for you during this time. I know it definitely impacted your DHHS job's demise. I'm definitely not a prude here.  Everyone knows that Jeremy and I would get a little coke from M for concerts or big jobs like cleaning out the yellow house until his seizures and my heart condition made it a Very Bad Idea. Weekend users don't scare me. Addiction behavior Does. 

But I'm sure you have made your point to everyone that you hate me for "lying" about you. Give it a rest. Tell them you think I'm senile for believing you were using and let it go but LET IT GO.  You don't have to ever see/speak to me again.  Or you can if you want and act like I made a senile mistake and you are forgiving me. Whatever. But. Stop. This. Remember,  negative feelings/actions do more harm to the vessel that carries it than anything it is poured on. STOP  carrying this on and STOP POURING. The point is made, I'm sure.   The Mannings don't talk to me. Jake hates me.  They believe and support You. Isn't that Really what you want?? I believe IN and support you, too, you silly, silly girl. But please. I no longer check so I Don't Know, but. If you still Use. STOP. Get secret help if u have to, but I think u can Just Do It If You Haven't. 

Rain

 Yep, finally rain.  I guess I am ready for it.  I have to take a break before I am totally broken.  I often feel totally betrayed by my body and then I realize it is almost 67 years old and I marvel a little bit that it works at all. How many things do I have that old that still work?? That weird white Christmas candle might last 67 years!! 

I'll probably start some seeds, piddle around,  chat with Jeremy, take care of some overdue business like paying bills and updating applications, and hopefully clear up some of my gardening mess in the dining room. And a lot of laying around like broccoli (vegetating) 🙃

I will miss being able to be out in my garden.  Yesterday I sat down in a pile of soil that I have been moving to my raised beds,  and I realized how happy I was just sitting in a pile of dirt.  I was digging around me with a hand shovel looking for good top soil to put in my potato growing boxes and removing sticks for my compost and I was Happy. My arm might be broken,  (from a fall yesterday!), my knee is trashed and hurts like it is broken,  (probably will make an appointment to scan both while I'm laying around) and I was just 😊.  I talk to myself constantly while I work.  Not bitching about the past like at first (which was good for nothing!!) but just rambling.  If Gabriella is with me I act like I'm talking to her, to maybe make me look less crazy! (Not that I care if I look crazy!)  but I'm talking about whatever I am doing.  I haven't seem the movie "Babe" in decades but I keep saying,  "That'll do pig" every time I finish doing something! I had to Google to find out what movie it came from!! but yea, it seems to be my go-to phrase and it makes me smile a little every time so I keep doing it 🙃. Crazy Lady. Yep,  that's me!! Not shy about/ don't give a crap about admitting that because I know this Crazy Lady is one of the sanest people in my family, which makes me smile more! NOT that that's actually funny that we have So Many Crazies! but ok a little funny that a 66 year old lady with serious brain damage is one of the sanest!! Maybe that's only "funny" about the crazies who are crazy with living their delusions deliberately to defend their self righteous ignorant actions. That is hilariously bassackwards.  Maybe the wrong word there.  Self inflicted blindness is simply No Excuse. So people like that are just a joke. 

Worst Apology

 It's not funny but I laugh every time the line "That was the worst apology ever!!" goes through my head.  I think of how it came to me reading Jessalynn's text about MY journal and then again when I picture Jlynn thinking it when she read my response here.  I only have one apology for her,  for calling her names the night I threw them out.  That was just stupid trying to hurt her back because she hurt me.  You can't hurt someone who doesn't love you.  You only make them angry or, in Jlynn's case, indignant. It was childish. Otherwise,  yea, no regrets.  I'm not angry at Jeremy about it any more.  He always bitched about me to any one who would listen and No One who loved me would even listen,  let alone chastise me for whatever he was venting about.  Yes, he lied about me,  too, obviously,  but that's just his thing,  he survives on Pity. It has kept him alive,  fed,  and housed for most of his life an you have to admire that skill in him with his epilepsy and brain damage. No.  This is all on Jessalynn.  Even Brandon's abhorrent disrespect.  No One else in my family would let any one else attack me. Even if Jami is mad as hell at me she won't let any one else trash me. Oh, I forget about Lindsey.  I too often forget her.  I love Lindsey with all my heart for the little girl she was but I never saw that little girl again after John had her.  That is heart breaking but sadly true. AND I don't think that the person she grew up to be is her "fault". Also heart breaking! I spent several years looking for who she Was but I think I started to "get it" when she said that she doesn't remember Steve and I having her until she was 6 years old or even the few times I got to see her while Mikey had her. My poor little girl!!! Any ways... no Jeremy is not to blame for any thing Jlynn or Brandon has said or done.  She is a horrific person but again,  I Loved the little girl BUT I also know that she KNOWS who took care of her almost All of her childhood.  I did Everything,  Everything for her because her father Always had other priorities,  and he Still Does, and mother was on bath salts and Meth an Got knows what until a few years ago.  I always had a room for her in my house, took her for doctor appointments,  immunizations, school, work,  and even drove to Lincoln whenever I could to help her get through first year in college. I guess she thinks that was all Jeremy. ?. No.  She just really doesn't give a shit.  ALL of the grand kids thought I loved Jlynn more than them,  some still do!, but that was never why.  I knew all along that Jenise was a better kid, and then a much better Human Being. She and Jazz have always been just amazing people. Kira is pretty rough now but was the sweetest thing growing up! and I think she'll pull thru being a rebelling teenager and be amazing again,  too. Jeanette's kids had both parents when they were little and then Jeanette did the best she could as a single parent except maybe the 6 months she was goo goo over Jon Ways. I had them then and with Jeremy's help and Jenise playing mother! to the boys I hope we did good with them.  I remember how sweet it was when Jeremy was taking Robby to Boy Scouts and we both always went to the kids events.  Almost none of their parents did any of that!! And my poor Shy. The Most Heartbreaking one of the bunch when she was little and now, too.  It's hard to believe how we often had 6 or more grandchildren living with us!! They were all so loving! but I did see the darkness in Jessalynn,  the rage in Robby, and the hurt in Kira from her parents that I knew could all make them turn out like they are now.  Kira Will pull through.  We need to get help or something with Robby! and Jlynn, well,  I'm pretty sure she will never be better unless she somehow gets a therapist who holds up a mirror or she goes through a tragedy that makes her SEE herself.  If I ever really had a "favorite" of course it would be and is Jenise.  From the first time I laid eyes on her in her car seat in Rob's car,  when I whispered,  "Mom? Are you in there?" and Jeanette said she never saw Jenise react like she did with Any One and Nett didn't even know what I asked Jenise! (All because Mom said she would come back in one of my grand children and Jenise was born next!) Whatever.  I have to mention my Riley, here,  too. I think Jess was first to see that he was "high functioning " autistic.  I knew, too, in first grade when I would help him with his homework.  I had to figure out how to make math make sense to him but when I did he would just Light Up and show brilliant understanding but then I would have to show him again over and over for it to "stick". Nett and I both have fought for him to get better teaching at school and only this year, when he is a sophmore in high school! does OPS believe his diagnosis!!!! My lost little guy! but he is so off the charts Loving!! Last night he called stranded somewhere and his phone died before I got where he was or told him that yes I would get him.  I took off from here like a crazy person with emergency flashers on running red lights and when he wasn't at the last location 360 showed for him,  I started driving the area in wider and wider circles until I had him. He did manage to call me,  someone let him charge his phone??, and he gave me a street name a few blocks from where I was.  I drove 20 miles circling the Benson areas! but he is just terrifying! Without GPS he has no idea how to get around Omaha and he will hitch rides with strangers always believing he can Tell who won't hurt him. I tell him that abusers couldn't get victims unless they could convince people they were "ok" and he gets that but Forgets that. I'm not nearly as crazy protective with any one else but Riley not only Needs it he is just Worth it. 💓

Crap. This was just a little entry about "the worst apology ever" and I just rambled around. Then again,  I will be 67 in a few weeks! (if I live that long!!)  and this is MY Journal do I get to ramble all I want. Hell, I could Lie in here like Jlynn accuses me! if I wanted but what would be the point of that????? No clue. 

See ya!!!!

Brain Scan day!!

 I'm waiting for my MRI. This is always scary. Right after the last one was All Clear Jeremy and I got in that wreck and I ended up with 3 brain bleeds,  one right where my aneurism was repaired!! They said my brain tissue would die everywhere the blood touched and I lost the ability to understand what I read and the ability to hear music in my head,  or how to play the guitar and piano,  I couldn't picture a single cord. An i have more blanks in my long term memory and serious damage to my short term memory.  Then they scanned a month after the accident and said the big bleeds had shrunk but they saw micro bleeds all over my brain.  I asked Dr Gold if this meant that I was in serous trouble and he said Yes, the first time he ever answered that question that way! I also have Severe White Matter Disease (which I believe is a fungal issue but it's hard to get doctors to take that idea serious!) so my brain is a wreck.  But. THEN my brain damage brother reminded me that the Brain and the Mind are different things and,  while they have mapped the Brain NO ONE has figured out what the Mind is! He told me to read a hundred year old way- before-its-time book called "Secrets of the Ages" and it opened my Mind to all the possibilities!!! I hear music,  can play some music,  and can understand the written word!!! It's been slow progress but IT IS PROGRESS. 

Whew! Scan over.  They put me in a special high definition MRI because of my new allergy to contrast.  It's a tight fit with a cage over my face holding my head in place.  NOT for the claustrophobic! They turned on the Beatles and began. I guess I'll find out tomorrow what my Forcast is.

4 days and no test results.  I hope that doesn't mean the results are bad or that something went wrong with that special MRI.

No one thinks they need to know

... survival in trauma and maybe they don't.  All my life,  since I was a kid,  I have studied survival skills. When I was 11 I started going on "survival hikes", hiking through Texas fields looking around and noticing different things that would help me survive if I was lost or stranded.  I still study these things but now,  in my old age,  know I myself will most likely never need to know them.  I am terrified that my descendants will someday be to know such things and I won't be here to help them! At best u will get an eye roll if I try to pass anything on when I know it Could Be necessary to know some day.  These days the fears are war, which had always been a fear to be ready for,  and something new.  The grid going down. If you think through what that could mean for communities it is absolutely terrifying if it lasts more than a few months.  When deliveries there is no power or running water and deliveries Stop. Everyone assumed it will just never happen when it is always just a beast beat away!! Terrifying. I try to see my daughters trying to lead this family safely through.  Jami knows the most. Jess is the most able to meet an unexpected tragedy.  Jeanette knows a lot but will be in the most in danger of not surviving without medical help.  I most likely won't live to see it happen. And I hope they don't either!! 

Just one of the many stupid things I worry about that I can do nothing about.  I garden.  Hope someone will carry that on when I am gone, at least keep the idea alive in care God forbid they actually need to know How. I'm leaving a map of what I'm doing,  hopefully not just digitally but a hand written one.  Just in case. 

There were a couple of deer in the neighbors backyard this evening.  Kira reacted like seeing aliens! They are all so distant from Life. Scary.

Sun and Sleepless

 This heat isn't nearly what I grew up with in Texas but it is kidding my butt.  Kira says the UV index has been really high,  something I knew nothing about until recent decades,  but maybe I'm feeling it.  The sun at 80 degrees here is painful.  It hurts my skin.  Not like sunburn but it burns. Trying to just work on the garden in the cooler morning and evening isn't enough an just too many things come up being The Driver here.  I'm hauling soil now, filling just the 3 inch high beds is taking me forever.  My garden will be very late and I definitely will be buying some seedlings. Almost all of mine are not dead. 

It didn't help that Riley called around 1am. I jumped up sure Jeanette was dying again out some other disaster! Riley's allergies were making him sick.  Turns out Nett was home from work and had already told him his illness was likely allergies but it made him angry and sure she wasn't really trying to help himso he called me.  Poor Riley! and Poor Jeanette! He really thinks he is dying when he gets sick and that his mom just isn't helping him.  Then he calls me.  He usually believes me,  even tho I have said the exact same thing Jeanette did,  maybe that's Why he believes me?  but it if hard on all 3 of us.  Only Riley could get away with waking me like this! because I know he can't help it. I should write down his complete diagnosis sometime so I can remember it,  but things like this are all part of it.  We are trying so hard to figure out how to help him grow up,  Jeanette understands way more than I do and she is often lost,  too. I would give my life to help Riley! Ok. Yea, that doesn't sound like much when I so often seem to not value my own life.  Just a thing people say to express your much something means?? Something I will delete later when I find a better way to express this??? 

I am cooking in the high UV with sleep deprivation and too little being done!!

Dang it

 I've been trying to time the sun where I have framed and dug my garden and I'm afraid it might only get 5 hours of full sun!!! I'll check me closely tomorrow but it is just too late and too much work to start over.  I'm a little proud of the whole Did It All By Myself thing but if anyone checked it with a T-square and level it wouldn't rate very high!! BUT getting everything (or anything!) exact using reclaimed wood of all shapes and sizes would have been a hellofa job!! I could have redone things until I got it exact but,  well, I'm not! Actually,  I DON'T think I could.  I intended to make the bed at least 8 inches high before I started planting but it can't wait any longer.  Hopefully I can add to it after it's planted?? I have 56 square feet framed with about a 4 × 3 space at the north end for corn with beans and peas climbing it.  I don't know what to do with the asparagus yet,  the space for corn might be the best place? Or I can start it in a crate and dig a separate garden for it after I plant the 56 sq feet???? We can't harvest the asparagus for at least 2 years. The strawberries, whatever survives,  won't really produce for at least a year either. 

Dave is mowing, dandelion seeds flying everywhere,  I wish we had done it before they all went to seed!!! Oh well. At least they are nutritious,  Jenise, you will never die of starvation here if the grid goes down etc!!

It's dark.  I worked in the SE corner of the yard until I couldn't see what I was doing and then I came on the deck and potted my beautiful Mother's Day flowers Kira gave me.  😃😃😃🥰😍❤️❤️ Maybe she doesn't Hate me completely??? I am hopeful.  Maybe too hopefull but it feels good for now.  

Now maybe a shower. Besides sweating in the garden all day I stupidly walked by Dave mowing on the wrong side and am covered in dandelion seeds and grass clippings and whatever else the lawnmower was throwing at me.  I think I felt a few rocks 🤔.

Lull after the storm

 Ok.  Jeanette is alive.  Everyone got whey they needed to go (although Jazz was pissed she was 5 minutes late to work) and we are all alive.  Last night I Jeremy was asking about Nett and I told him I was afraid of outliving her, or any of them! and I really am afraid Jeanette is going to lose this battle.  Please God No! But,  what did die during the last 2 days are most of my seedlings.  They were at a critical stage of repot or plant or die. They are mostly dead today 😑 but they are replaceable.  I just don't know if I have time to start seeds again,  I might have to break down and buy seedlings.  I hoped the bare root strawberries were the only plant stays I'd have to buy this year.  Oh well.  Always an emergency several times a year within the family.  I have my doubts about how much more I can physically do,  too. The left side of my body seems to be really messed up.  Then there will be the weather to contend with.  Oh and something I hadn't even considered.  The neighbor on the east side,  where my garden is,  is an avid ornamental plant grower,  she might even be selling them like I was in Texas,  and she uses chemicals for weed control and likely for fertilizer,  too. She is super sweet,  we talk energy we are both out back,  and she said she wouldn't plant anything tall on her side that might shake my vegetables.  I told her not to worry but she insisted it if fine.  I am not about to complain about the chemicals.  I have been googling the problem.  It said what I expected,  put up a barrier and leave a gap between our gardens. Oh amc how I've already cultivated that first 2 feet of soil! Google doesn't say how wide the gap needs to be,  I maybe should start completely over.  Damn I should have thought about this!! I saw that she had a garden yard, I just never considered that people use poisons instead of saving the planet except big government farmer!! My Bad. 

Jeanette in the hospital again!

 Something went wrong with her hysterectomy,  they think because of the connective tissue disorder,  and she is in Lakeside Hospital again 😭. I'm picking up Jazz from work,  I got here too early,  but I want to go to Jeanette.  I'm worried.  She just has too much go WRONG! I don't believe I would survive without Jeanette!!!  

And I'm supposed to be worried that people don't like/agree with thing I write in my journal.  I'm building and digging a big garden for the family,  almost ended up in the hospital myself today from severe dehydration working out in the full sun every day, driving 600 miles a week just ruining the kids around, and that was supposed to matter? What is the matter with people? If they don't want to love me they don't have to.  I am not ashamed of who I am.  I'm not always right but I have the best intentions for my own.  What else do they think I should be?

I see I wrote about the dehydration earlier, silly me! and that's why we are told not to depend on Dr Google - we scare ourselves with diabetes and Kidney failure search results when we just need a drink of water!!!!

Uh oh

 I might be sick,  like something really wrong! My mouth has been super dry for several days no matter how much I drank and now I haven't been able to pee since early yesterday.  I really noticed the morning because I ALWAYS have to pee when I wake up. 

My spelling has looked really bad because I have been using the slide texting because of my arthritis. I've been going back and correcting this entry,  had to fix six mistakes already.  

Bubble Wrap Jenise

I do wish I could just bubbly wrap her so no one can ever hurt her.  Sara is flipping out on Jenise over Sammy,  the guinea pig Sara gave her that died last week.  Blaming Jenise, making her cry,  pissing me off.  I know Sara is just over the top because she's had a few too many deaths lately but picking on Jenise,  especially while she is pregnant,  is inexcusable.  

Hopefully this blows over soon. 

Pfft! What drama!!

 I read through a lot of this all the way back to the beginning.  Why did my typing get so very progressively worse thru the years??! Probably because I use the slide texting Nett taught me years ago.  

Oh what pitiful misery to read thru the breakup with Jeremy! But time (and a lot of venting in a journal!) really does does heal almost everything! (except losing Herbert. NOTHING makes that pain better😭) 

I am So OK. I built and dug my garden, planting it now,  and it is a beautiful day.  

I was up all night texting with Jeremy.  Funny I hate him the least of all the people who decided our break up was their business.  Maybe they learned when it's time to go home?? Not my problem now.  He's staying at his brother's and bewildered that he is the Calm one in his brother's house! He is finding that I was correct that his family would feel less able to be constantly correcting his behavior. He's the best of the lot!! I don't mind helping him right now,  it's what I've been doing for years but with him There I don't have to really deal with his Growing Pains.  He was asking about himself as a father figure,  why did I say he was good until the kids got old enough to talk back.  I sent him the Ukranian artwork entry in here I titled "Jeremy The Father" and he liked it.  Was pleasantly surprised that I had saved and dedicated that to him a year ago. (He never snooped in my journals over our 22 years.) Yes,  he has some choices of decency that half of my family can't even comprehend.  But again, it is a beautiful day. 

Jessica day 10 COVID

 Very sad that Jess still tested positive today.  I believe she has been the sickest by far but still hoped she was clear.

Jeremy still tests positive. He says he has had no symptoms but I don't believe him. One, he had that seizure Day 1. 

Crap. I accidentally moved this.  This was obviously from the COVID pandemic. 

Jenise Saturday🧡Jeanette Today

 Lucky me❣️❣️❣️ Jenise came Saturday and I got her a chair to set her pregnant butt down by my garden so she could visit with me while I finished turning it,  *and I did finish!" And then we snuck off to Blue for sushi again.  Then this afternoon Jeanette came for a visit. I've been kinda sick so I couldn't get back out in my garden since Saturday so the company was awesome.  I love the ways Jeanette has grown.  It feels like we have trade places most of the time now - she is the one teaching me and I am thrilled.  I used to always say I didn't just want my kids to learn what I knew but to always strive to go beyond.  That that was human evolution.  She is proof of that.  Not that children have to surpass you to teach you.  Once I was showing a prism to a small boy,  asking him what he saw in it so I could then explain how it worked and formed the colors.  I set it in the light and asked him what he saw and he said "I see the world". My lesson froze in my mouth and I asked him what he meant and he said "Just look! There's you,  and me,  and everything in this room and everything out the patio door" and sure enough,  the world was reflected in that prism!! Lesson over. Lately Jeanette is showing me everything in the prism. 

22 years

Jeanette says my life has run in 22 year cycles of punishment.  In that I had 2 22 year marriages. I know that anyone who had been in a relationship that long knows that there will be many problems and disagreements to overcome and that you will both go through times of loving each other so much that it hurts and times that you hate each other so much that it hurts.  You just grow with and from these times and it's a victory every time you come through both loving each other again.  This can happen in both good and toxic marriages.  But,  good relationships can end with deep love and toxic relationships will often end in tragedy.  This is from not just mine but watching family and friends navigate relationships for the 60 + years. I have been paying attention since watching my mother's first marriage to my father. That one had to end with his death.  I'm not sure how it would have ended had be lived.  He was Abusing the 3 children and she knew and was turning a blind eye but that probably would have gone toxic.  It sure was for the 3 children! From there I went into several relationships starting at 14 years old that all ended toxic. At 20 years old I married Steven.  It was a fairy tale marriage for the first years that started going toxic when we found out that our church elder was raping our daughters. Therapists told us that very few marriages survive such a thing. We tried like hell.    We stuck it out for 7 years longer than we should have,  the toxicity was off the charts by then. I went straight from there into the relationship with Jeremy.  I never intended for it to end up being a "relationship". He was 22 years younger than me  and just wrong in so many ways but then Mom died begging me to stay safe with Jeremy,  "He will never leave you!" such prophetic words from a dying women whose O2 level was 60!!!! She did it because she knew that I had no one at the time but Jeremy and my brother Mike and she didn't trust Mike! So Jeremy and I built a life together in Texas.  He built me a teepee when I mentioned that I would like to have one and he dug a huge pound for Mom's water lilies and Koi that I also promised to take care of.  It was the Best time of my life.  Jami and Jess came for my mother's funeral and didn't say a single word to me.  Acted like I didn't exist. Jeremy set up a dart board and gave me a blow dart gun.  He put my family's names on the target and told me to shoot at them.  His method of therapy.  It actually helped.  🙃 We had a phone and somehow Jami started calling.  Then Jeanette.  Like nothing happened.  All friendly.  I just accepted it even though it pissed Jeremy off. I didn't need explanations or apologies,  wouldn't have got them if I had wanted them,  that's not how any of them work.  I just wanted my family back in some way. Then Jess started calling,  too. We went to visit when Jenise was born,  had to see her!! and saw enough of my daughters that I didn't want to return to Nebraska.  Then a year or so later Jami called saying she was pregnant,  in labor,  sitting in a bathtub,  freaking out because she was on drugs.  I begged Jeremy to stay in Texas,  but he insisted on coming with so we took a train to Omaha.  Got stranded here.  Found out Mikey was strung out,  too, and their house was a filthy pit. They lost the kids.  We worked with Mikey's parents to clean the house to get the kids back and Pat took us in.  Out of the fire into the frying pan.  His house was even filthier so we cleaned it, too. Picked up Huge piles of dog poop in varying stages of decomposition.  Pat said he didn't pick them up until the were dried out and hard and Jess wouldn't pick them up at all.  This was with 2 huskies living in the house for years.  My SSI came thru and we found a house,  took Jess and Jlynn with us and moved. 

This belongs in a different section of this,  doesn't it? I'll move it if/ when I finish it. 

Wait,  I was on the 22 year thing.  So,  by Jeanette's theory,  what is Now?? I won't last another 22 years. Life is pretty darn good.  I wish we had a little more money,  and we could if I could move Jeanette in.  Will hopefully be able to do that soon? But life Is Good right not.  Still sad about the break in the family but really that if just Jessalynn now and that sadly is mostly hard on Jess. If it weren't hot she feels I wouldn't care to much any more.  I have plenty.  I feel rich when Jeanette is around.  Really rich.  Jenise,  too, they give me that cup runneth over feeling.  It doesn't sound like another 22 years of punishment.  ?? I'm even in a good place with Jeremy.  I just needed him to Know he really could survive, thrive,  and be happier with his own family.  I wasn't going to stress over him a lot more but it is good to know he is OK. (Maybe I was his punishment,  too.!) Whatever,  I don't believe in Happily Ever After. Death will cut that shirt if nothing else! But maybe Peace. I'll take that. 

Thank you Lindsey 💕💕💕

 I tried to Google my name looking for my blog.  No luck. Then Dave finally explained that Lindsey somehow found this site and sent it to almost everyone we know. You know,  I'd write this,  usually things I wish people knew,  didn't get to say to them,  didn't think anyone would ever care to read this (except maybe Jenise, Jeanette and Jami after I am dead). I was just blowing off steam sometimes like therapists tell people to do to get over things.  But Lindsey made that dream come true.  In so many great and hilarious ways. I might not remember everything any more,  might be dealing with inaccurate information,  but I have never written Anything I didn't believe to be true at the time (Who lies in a journal???) and nothing that I wouldn't say to someone's face but never thought I would get to.  So, sincerely Lindsey, THANK YOU. And I do love you very much.  You are one of the very few people that I am estranged from that I truly miss. You are about the only one who I don't blame for a thing. The only one with full right to be upset with your mother (although I wonder that none of that is directed at the enabler of your childhood situation). I love you. Always will.

Who hears Grandma's sex life

 Jeremy tried for years to find someone to bitch about me to.  He was shot down by Jami, Kirk, Jess, Dave and Jeabette, who spit in his face. Especially when he tried to talk about our sex life, none of them wanted to hear about their mother, grandmother, or mother-in-law's sex life or lack thereof until he found Jessalynn and Brandon to listen and sympathize. The flip side of this is that I also went from having sex all the time to zero. I would have loved to find a good boyfriend, husband etc but he wouldn't physically leave and free me and, bitch that I am,  I'm not like that.  And we are talking 10 years ago.  I had Lots of offers. 2 men who had been after me for all my life who were then millionaires.  Not that I ever considered money when choosing a partner,  example 2 past husbands and Jeremy (legally  my husband in Texas). Those 2 suitors died last year, and I'm dying now so it's really not fair to start with anyone. But it would have been really nice to have a good man to grow old with.  Jeremy inadvertently stole that from me,  too.   I let him steal it by not having whatever it took to force him to leave. 

Wait,  I gotta add somewhere,  yes,  I always said Jeremy was excusable because of his disabilities,  but I realized that is total bullshit.  We'll,  mostly bullshit. I finally realized that he definitely was capable of controlling his worst issues. Brandon made that plain as day - if Jeremy could always "behave " when Brandon was around,  sometimes for Long Days! and Jeremy never lost it. The house breathed sigh of relief when Brandon was coming because we all knew we would get a break from the Anger, yelling, and just plain meanness.  How did someone unable to control himself do that?? And with the kids, and yes, there were a lot of them, and they could be a handful! but he NEVER has lost his temper with his favorite,  Jasmine. He could be mad as hell about something a child did, cussing and making threats, and if he found out the culprit was Jasmine he cooled down immediately.  How was he able to do that?? It's like him saying he couldn't read studying for his CNA so I read his text book to him for weeks, until I had laryngitis and couldn't,  and he said,  "OK, give me the book,  I'll read it". Playing me.  Like he played everyone.  He supposedly hated being reminded that he was disabled but he sure did use it to his advantage whenever and however he could.  But it took until Brandon,  that huge, stark, difference in him,  THAT finally made it clear as day. His survival technique is his pity parties and he gets away with it mostly by his act that he doesn't want anyone to know about his epilepsy etc., so everyone pitied him all the more until he HAS SOMEONE SUPPORTING HIM FOR 22 YEARS. I was a moron to not get it sooner but not as big of a Moron as the ones still dancing at his pity party.  And I do even now still love Jeremy. Even have some admration for the brilliance of his game and gratitude, peace, that I know he will be OK.

No, Jessalynn

I'm sorry you maybe misunderstood things right from the start.  When I said Brandon's name,  I told you both right away,  I wasn't inviting Brandon to get involved.   I didn't even need for him to wake from his good dream.  I just needed to say the name and remind Jeremy that Brandon was in the house so he would turn into Brandon/ Jeremy.  I didn't then or ever invite you two into my relationship or breakup.  It would have been real decent of you guys if you if you had left when you realized what was going on.  It was none of your business and neither is my journal. If I could have "drug" you anywhere I would have drug you out of My Breakup in My House. Jami saw this on a phone I loaned her and asked if it was ok that she read it and I said Yes, but that it was the good, bad, and ugly.  She. Asked. I started writing on this site during the MRSA epidemic until I was invited to write for a big MRSA campaign.  My followers followed me there except a few stragglers who commented on this a few times.  I think that all stopped by 2014. So this became where I worked things out and let off steam.  I understand that you felt free to read it since it was still on a Public format and that you have zero respect for any of my boundaries.  Maybe it's your generation? I do love you Jessalynn.  I wonder if you read it all or just skimmed thru looking for your own names?? I suspect the latter. Maybe you would have seen how very much I adored Jeremy. You guys have been together a minute so I get it. 

After 22 years you go thru times when you deeply love and times you hate the guts of your partner.  Hopefully you make up and grow each time  but sometimes it becomes unhealthy to continue.  Lots of people just fear Change, like Jeremy.  I've known and told him for years that this was over and he should go and be happy.  He had to be forced.  But we are both happier now.  That's all that should matter.  I can see you guys being offended if you read the journals of everyone you know.  That's why we aren't supposed to do it.  What's that saying? Something about eavesdroppers never hearing anything good about themselves?? I wrote a lot more about loving Jeremy than about hating him.  Did you go back and read when this started on that nightmare Christmas, too?? 

It's therapy to write.  Helps kept your head uncluttered and work things out.  I don't know how you stumbled across this but it is Mine. I tell it like I see it here.  You guys need to just watch the moats in your own eyes. Leave the speck in mine alone.  I'm pretty sure you have better things to do. 

PS: I'm not nice to people who I think are bad for my family and I want them to leave.  I'm pretty damn nice to others. Give them rides to work and never ask for gas money. Lose $7,000 for helping them. I treat people in general disgustingly like that. 

How do you treat people?

God, I see your smug faces saying "Really good"! The holier than thou thing, I hope you get over it. Maybe someday you will wonder if you weren't perfect in all of this.  I seriously doubt it.

I am sorry for the name calling,  Jessalynn.  I know it was childish,  I was lashing out like I do when hurt just wanting to hurt you back.  Stupid, too. If throwing you out didn't hurt nothing would.  Pretty sure I was still wounded the worst but,  it definitely took a minute! but I got over it.  For a minute I though you had, too, especially for your mother's sake! but I never thought Brandon did. He's not nearly as good an actor.  

A few old posts that nosy people missed

 My Jeremy: from My  2021 Journal titled "Jeremy"

What I already wrote here wasn't really about Jeremy. My tendancy to waunder and ramble leads me astray.  

Jeremy is both a very simple and a very complicated person. 

First, Who He Is was altered by brain damage as a child. He had a head injury, possibly two head injuries, that damaged his right frontal lobe causing epilepsy. Then there had likely been more damage from the grand mall seizures. On top of that, his mother did drugs including LSD during pregnancy and he was severely abused growing up. 

Jeremy, the Basic Person he is, is a beautiful soul. That was all my mother saw when she looked at him. When she chose him for me. Sadly you don't see it very often any more, but Jeremy's eyes are honest and full of heart. My family have pretty much beat that out of him for the last 19 years but I can still see it. That is terrible. From Jami and Mikey throwing him out while I was in the hospital, making him cry telling him he Wasn't Family to Jeanette spitting in his face to Jess and Jessalynn demanding I throw him out, he has been thoroughly abused by us. I've always been in the middle of this and too often protecting my daughters instead of him. 

Mom said he had true Loyalty and would take care of me forever. My promise to stay with him let her die in peace. 

Could she have possibly Known?? 

Jeremy has been so beaten down by us that I can barely see the man my mom left me with. But he is still Here. 

Jeremy was the Only person in my life when we met and for more than the first year. We were deliriously happy most of the time. Every day was bright and shiny. An adventure. And we weren't living "easy". We were mostly broke living in either a broke down trailer or in a teepee Jeremy built on Barefoot's land. We collected junk and sold it along with houseplants I started and Jeremy dealt a little weed and sometimes he sold plasma for money. Life was very simple. Jeremy was like a genie in a bottle doing everything to grant my every wish. I took care of things like figuring out how to get the medication we needed, free medical care, and keeping up with anything legal and I did most of the cooking and cleaning although he helped with everything I did and he took care of Everything Else. I said I would love to live in a teepee and the next day he made an amazing one out of long metal rods and painter's canvas he found. I wished I had a pond for Mom's koi and he found a pond liner and dug once for me. Everything felt magical. 

I was depressed and suicidal when we met. My entire family had cast me out after my 22 year marriage ended except for Mom. She was the only reason I was still alive when I met Jeremy and I had no intention of surviving her. 

My brother had me committed not long after I got to Houston. My mother said it was because of his long vendetta against me for suggesting his wife should take the kids and run when he was strung out on meth years and years ago. And she said it was also part of a plan to be sure I didn't inherit the 2 million dollar lawsuit she expected to collect from Dow Corning. Whatever. In Harris County Psyche I befriended a woman named Stacy. She had perfectly sculpted eyebrows and we were locked in a psych ward with all our belongings taken away. I knew she had tweezers!! We were both on a 10 day hold and we ruled the ward together after teaming up. 

Several of us agreed to meet when we got out. We were all homeless planning to be each other's support system. Stacy got out first and I went to our meeting place, Smiley Inn, when I got out. When she walked in with Jeremy I had the feeling of Destiny that I never experience anymore although I had no clue of what we would Be. A few of the others joined us but it narrowed down to Jeremy, Stacy and me and then just him and me. 

Jeremy was very young. 27? and in many ways he was even younger for his age. It was like no one had raised him to survive in this world beyond being a teenager, and pretty much no one had.

Quickly, Jeremy had one positive influence in his life, his Nana, his father's mother. His father died in a traumatic car crash with Jeremy in the car when he was 4. He lived with his mother and who ever she was with until he was 12 and then she moved to Oklahoma leaving him with her last boyfriend, who called himself Barefoot, an abusive small time drug dealer. Jeremy stayed with Barefoot until shortly before I met him when Barefoot threw him out. 

Jeremy had a big windfall inheriting $30,000 from his Nana when he turned 18. Barefoot and his mother talked him out of a few big chunks of it that he never saw again. 

Jeremy actually got his diploma from Sam Rayburn High School and was offered social security disability that he turned down. He lives as much as possible in denial of his epilepsy. The stigma of it left him deeply scarred. Even now, he hates for anyone to know that he is epileptic and refuses to acknowledge any limitations he has from it. 

I'm sure Barefoot made this worse. He referred to Jeremy by a slur nickname I won't dignify by naming here and he beat him severely until Jeremy beat him. I know he used to put Jeremy in a trash can for punishment so its easy to assume how degrading Barefoot was for him.

It really makes me sick to write that knowing that my girls have treated him even worse the last 20 years!!

When I decided that I had to return to Omaha and be Mom and Grandma again I begged Jeremy to let me go alone. I knew that I would no longer be able to be the person I had been with him. I knew that my daughters would probably be unwilling to accept him with me. I told him this over and over but he still wanted to come to Nebraska.  Even i never dreamed how badly he would be received. 

____________________________________________

Jessalynn strikes: from 2021 journal "MY GRANDCHILDREN: 

____________________________________________

This one hurts the most. Easy Why. The one I believed loved me most. The one I put the most into. 

The one who finds me, personally, disgusting.

She said it is because of how I treat Jeremy. Her mother is almost always mean to him and she went to stay with Jeanette who has literally spit in his face. Plus she ragged on me to throw him out for Months and talked of nothing but how much she hates him.

The girls I called The Apple of My Eye, and then my Unicorn, who I would have given my life for. Says. I'M. DISGUSTING.

I knew she was mean. Overlooked it time after time. She would laugh at people I pitied. She never forgave a slight. But I always thought she was better than she was. She cried over TV shows!! I just knew there was real Heart there just hidden by Youth. 

I was wrong.What happened with Jessalynn Christmas was caused by an old problem caused by a mistake I seem to make over and over. Or maybe it's just the way it is because I'm so flawed. My grandchildren, one of my children, have No Respect for me. Maybe I don't think about it enough? I don't seem to realize that someone doesn't  respects me until it slaps me in the face. It has to be my fault. I assume that people respect me because I see myself as someone who Should Have the respect of people. I manage to take care of my family no matter how little I have to do it. I have good morals that I base my life on and try to teach others. 

But I must be just totally missing something. 

I think back over my relationship with Jessalynn and see now that she has never really Treated me with respect. We have spent a lot of time together. I have been the person she turned to for advice and help or just the one she called if she was sad or sick. But I have allowed a large measure of closeness that you wouldn't expect in a Grandmother especially as she's gotten older. I kept thinking that this is a Good Way to be with children even though it never works. Jessalynn has always felt comfortable to treat me with disrespect. Jessalynn's text, "I thought we would discuss this maturely but" or some such crap that would never be said to an adult who had respect. I think I teach them manners but Jessalynn didn't have the basic courtesy to not call her host "disgusting" while in her home.

Back it up. One huge thing about what happened was the hypocrisy. Months she spent berating me for Not throwing Jeremy out of the house and I not only let her do it, I took up for Jeremy but also apologized for not throwing him out for her. At most I explained over and over why I wouldn't. What I Should Have Done was tell her it was none of her business or at least let her know how disrespectful to Him it was to sit in his home and say these things. I did not. So when she jumped sides she fully expected me to just take it.

Now, the fact that I didn't wasn't because she finally went too far. It likely had little to do with the content of her new complaint. It was Christmas Eve. The pain and stress of preparing for the holiday this year was almost unbearable. I was feeling like I was crossing a finish line. Jeremy was almost done cooking dinner. The kids would open the few presents we were able to buy this year and it would be over for another year. And There She Was. 

I go back to the fact that I would have NEVER dreamed to speak to my mother or grandmother in such a way. Especially not on Christmas Eve in their home!

And I don't think She would have spoken to any other parent or grandparent that way. 

So, the problem is Me.

Either I allow a level of familiarity or don't command a level of respect that made her feel she was right. Likely both.

Whatever. 

I HAVE TO fix this before it happens again. I still have Kira and Jazz in my house and others in their homes. Sadly, I am now questioning all familiarity with them. They like to tease and play, Kira has a thing where she calls everyone Loser. Do I shut her down from teasing Jeremy and me like that so she doesn't feel comfortable telling us our behavior is disgusting some day?? 

I really hate this.