22 years

Jeanette says my life has run in 22 year cycles of punishment.  In that I had 2 22 year marriages. I know that anyone who had been in a relationship that long knows that there will be many problems and disagreements to overcome and that you will both go through times of loving each other so much that it hurts and times that you hate each other so much that it hurts.  You just grow with and from these times and it's a victory every time you come through both loving each other again.  This can happen in both good and toxic marriages.  But,  good relationships can end with deep love and toxic relationships will often end in tragedy.  This is from not just mine but watching family and friends navigate relationships for the 60 + years. I have been paying attention since watching my mother's first marriage to my father. That one had to end with his death.  I'm not sure how it would have ended had be lived.  He was Abusing the 3 children and she knew and was turning a blind eye but that probably would have gone toxic.  It sure was for the 3 children! From there I went into several relationships starting at 14 years old that all ended toxic. At 20 years old I married Steven.  It was a fairy tale marriage for the first years that started going toxic when we found out that our church elder was raping our daughters. Therapists told us that very few marriages survive such a thing. We tried like hell.    We stuck it out for 7 years longer than we should have,  the toxicity was off the charts by then. I went straight from there into the relationship with Jeremy.  I never intended for it to end up being a "relationship". He was 22 years younger than me  and just wrong in so many ways but then Mom died begging me to stay safe with Jeremy,  "He will never leave you!" such prophetic words from a dying women whose O2 level was 60!!!! She did it because she knew that I had no one at the time but Jeremy and my brother Mike and she didn't trust Mike! So Jeremy and I built a life together in Texas.  He built me a teepee when I mentioned that I would like to have one and he dug a huge pound for Mom's water lilies and Koi that I also promised to take care of.  It was the Best time of my life.  Jami and Jess came for my mother's funeral and didn't say a single word to me.  Acted like I didn't exist. Jeremy set up a dart board and gave me a blow dart gun.  He put my family's names on the target and told me to shoot at them.  His method of therapy.  It actually helped.  🙃 We had a phone and somehow Jami started calling.  Then Jeanette.  Like nothing happened.  All friendly.  I just accepted it even though it pissed Jeremy off. I didn't need explanations or apologies,  wouldn't have got them if I had wanted them,  that's not how any of them work.  I just wanted my family back in some way. Then Jess started calling,  too. We went to visit when Jenise was born,  had to see her!! and saw enough of my daughters that I didn't want to return to Nebraska.  Then a year or so later Jami called saying she was pregnant,  in labor,  sitting in a bathtub,  freaking out because she was on drugs.  I begged Jeremy to stay in Texas,  but he insisted on coming with so we took a train to Omaha.  Got stranded here.  Found out Mikey was strung out,  too, and their house was a filthy pit. They lost the kids.  We worked with Mikey's parents to clean the house to get the kids back and Pat took us in.  Out of the fire into the frying pan.  His house was even filthier so we cleaned it, too. Picked up Huge piles of dog poop in varying stages of decomposition.  Pat said he didn't pick them up until the were dried out and hard and Jess wouldn't pick them up at all.  This was with 2 huskies living in the house for years.  My SSI came thru and we found a house,  took Jess and Jlynn with us and moved. 

This belongs in a different section of this,  doesn't it? I'll move it if/ when I finish it. 

Wait,  I was on the 22 year thing.  So,  by Jeanette's theory,  what is Now?? I won't last another 22 years. Life is pretty darn good.  I wish we had a little more money,  and we could if I could move Jeanette in.  Will hopefully be able to do that soon? But life Is Good right not.  Still sad about the break in the family but really that if just Jessalynn now and that sadly is mostly hard on Jess. If it weren't hot she feels I wouldn't care to much any more.  I have plenty.  I feel rich when Jeanette is around.  Really rich.  Jenise,  too, they give me that cup runneth over feeling.  It doesn't sound like another 22 years of punishment.  ?? I'm even in a good place with Jeremy.  I just needed him to Know he really could survive, thrive,  and be happier with his own family.  I wasn't going to stress over him a lot more but it is good to know he is OK. (Maybe I was his punishment,  too.!) Whatever,  I don't believe in Happily Ever After. Death will cut that shirt if nothing else! But maybe Peace. I'll take that.