Worst Apology

 It's not funny but I laugh every time the line "That was the worst apology ever!!" goes through my head.  I think of how it came to me reading Jessalynn's text about MY journal and then again when I picture Jlynn thinking it when she read my response here.  I only have one apology for her,  for calling her names the night I threw them out.  That was just stupid trying to hurt her back because she hurt me.  You can't hurt someone who doesn't love you.  You only make them angry or, in Jlynn's case, indignant. It was childish. Otherwise,  yea, no regrets.  I'm not angry at Jeremy about it any more.  He always bitched about me to any one who would listen and No One who loved me would even listen,  let alone chastise me for whatever he was venting about.  Yes, he lied about me,  too, obviously,  but that's just his thing,  he survives on Pity. It has kept him alive,  fed,  and housed for most of his life an you have to admire that skill in him with his epilepsy and brain damage. No.  This is all on Jessalynn.  Even Brandon's abhorrent disrespect.  No One else in my family would let any one else attack me. Even if Jami is mad as hell at me she won't let any one else trash me. Oh, I forget about Lindsey.  I too often forget her.  I love Lindsey with all my heart for the little girl she was but I never saw that little girl again after John had her.  That is heart breaking but sadly true. AND I don't think that the person she grew up to be is her "fault". Also heart breaking! I spent several years looking for who she Was but I think I started to "get it" when she said that she doesn't remember Steve and I having her until she was 6 years old or even the few times I got to see her while Mikey had her. My poor little girl!!! Any ways... no Jeremy is not to blame for any thing Jlynn or Brandon has said or done.  She is a horrific person but again,  I Loved the little girl BUT I also know that she KNOWS who took care of her almost All of her childhood.  I did Everything,  Everything for her because her father Always had other priorities,  and he Still Does, and mother was on bath salts and Meth an Got knows what until a few years ago.  I always had a room for her in my house, took her for doctor appointments,  immunizations, school, work,  and even drove to Lincoln whenever I could to help her get through first year in college. I guess she thinks that was all Jeremy. ?. No.  She just really doesn't give a shit.  ALL of the grand kids thought I loved Jlynn more than them,  some still do!, but that was never why.  I knew all along that Jenise was a better kid, and then a much better Human Being. She and Jazz have always been just amazing people. Kira is pretty rough now but was the sweetest thing growing up! and I think she'll pull thru being a rebelling teenager and be amazing again,  too. Jeanette's kids had both parents when they were little and then Jeanette did the best she could as a single parent except maybe the 6 months she was goo goo over Jon Ways. I had them then and with Jeremy's help and Jenise playing mother! to the boys I hope we did good with them.  I remember how sweet it was when Jeremy was taking Robby to Boy Scouts and we both always went to the kids events.  Almost none of their parents did any of that!! And my poor Shy. The Most Heartbreaking one of the bunch when she was little and now, too.  It's hard to believe how we often had 6 or more grandchildren living with us!! They were all so loving! but I did see the darkness in Jessalynn,  the rage in Robby, and the hurt in Kira from her parents that I knew could all make them turn out like they are now.  Kira Will pull through.  We need to get help or something with Robby! and Jlynn, well,  I'm pretty sure she will never be better unless she somehow gets a therapist who holds up a mirror or she goes through a tragedy that makes her SEE herself.  If I ever really had a "favorite" of course it would be and is Jenise.  From the first time I laid eyes on her in her car seat in Rob's car,  when I whispered,  "Mom? Are you in there?" and Jeanette said she never saw Jenise react like she did with Any One and Nett didn't even know what I asked Jenise! (All because Mom said she would come back in one of my grand children and Jenise was born next!) Whatever.  I have to mention my Riley, here,  too. I think Jess was first to see that he was "high functioning " autistic.  I knew, too, in first grade when I would help him with his homework.  I had to figure out how to make math make sense to him but when I did he would just Light Up and show brilliant understanding but then I would have to show him again over and over for it to "stick". Nett and I both have fought for him to get better teaching at school and only this year, when he is a sophmore in high school! does OPS believe his diagnosis!!!! My lost little guy! but he is so off the charts Loving!! Last night he called stranded somewhere and his phone died before I got where he was or told him that yes I would get him.  I took off from here like a crazy person with emergency flashers on running red lights and when he wasn't at the last location 360 showed for him,  I started driving the area in wider and wider circles until I had him. He did manage to call me,  someone let him charge his phone??, and he gave me a street name a few blocks from where I was.  I drove 20 miles circling the Benson areas! but he is just terrifying! Without GPS he has no idea how to get around Omaha and he will hitch rides with strangers always believing he can Tell who won't hurt him. I tell him that abusers couldn't get victims unless they could convince people they were "ok" and he gets that but Forgets that. I'm not nearly as crazy protective with any one else but Riley not only Needs it he is just Worth it. 💓

Crap. This was just a little entry about "the worst apology ever" and I just rambled around. Then again,  I will be 67 in a few weeks! (if I live that long!!)  and this is MY Journal do I get to ramble all I want. Hell, I could Lie in here like Jlynn accuses me! if I wanted but what would be the point of that????? No clue. 

See ya!!!!