I miss pen and paper

I really do. Now I have grandchildren who don't know how to write or read cursive because it's no longer taught. Outdated. And my handwriting has deteriorated until I sometimes can't read it. I had years of journals filling stacks of notebooks, almost all of them lost now. I doubt anyone would even want to read them but I wish I had them for Me to read now that I am forgetting so much. I realized today that I have no memory at all of what my nephew Joey looked like. Thinking of Joey grieves me greatly because he was lost to me but now he is totally lost to me. I imagine there are many, many people and memories lost to me. I am aware of some of it but positive I've lost far more than I can fathom. 

I have had this Online Journal for years. Still try to write in it but it doesn't feel at all the same as God old pen and paper. The feeling of thoughts just flowing out on their own is somehow lost in typing for me. I have no idea how people compose anything like this. How they can feel heart and soul pouring out. I can't. Of course, for me, there is also the despair that No One would care enough to want to read anything I write. These will hang online until they are deleted by Blogger Inactive after I die. 

I have little idea how I ended up mattering so very little in the world. I NEVER expected to feel or be like I am. 

My days are carbon copies of the day before. I'm pretty sure I would be diagnosed as "depressed" and maybe that's a correct diagnosis but I see nothing that can change it. I wake, I lay in bed, usually in physical pain, I eat food prepared for me, I mindlessly watch Netflix, Hulu and You Tube until I go to sleep again. Some says the wait seems too long and I take something to sleep away the day. I'm not suicidal but I feel like I have to stay alive so my income can take care of my family. They don't really want or need anything else from me. That's Not saying anything bad about them. It's just the truth. I have no advice or wisdom to share even if anyone wanted it. 

How are we at this point?

We look like we are about to lose everything.  My SSI is somehow going to be less than half what it was starting next month and our rent is going up $300. An impossible situation.  I have faced worse. But I always had this unwavering Faith that everything would work out Sonehow. 

I can't find that faith. 

I haven't had faith in anything for a very long time. Likely from my lack of faith in God. 

I think I really started losing faith when I looked deeply at the holocaust.  Looked at the suffering people who kept Faith throughout and then Still had faith after. After losing their families and suffering for years. Most of them were "God's Chosen" people biblically.  How??

Then science started knocking me around. It is accepted that we are not alone in the universe. So does each society have a God, a Jesus, and a Bible? 

I always felt secure in Faith because 94% of humans believe in God. What are the odds that the 6% are the only ones right? 

It is easy to wonder if man created God to accept life and death. That leaders needed a God of laws to ordain their laws. So many wars! So much death! Over religious beliefs!! 

How convenient that Belief is entirely based on Faith. There is no Proof. Needing Proof is sin, lack of Faith, condemnation for ye of little faith.

Then I wait for a lightning strike for such thoughts but there won't be one because that would be Proof.

I had Huge Faith. 13 years in "The Truth". No, I wasn't an ideal member. I asked too many questions,  I failed to totally live The Life. Then when all hell broke loose, when I found out our Elder molested my daughters and No One believed us. When we were excommunicated and run out of town I cursed God. Screamed at the Heavens that if He had a "plan" that it SUCKED and so did He I was still talking to, believing in Him. I just decided I didn't believe in the church. In any church. 

I often thought about Phineas's law in A Separate Peace, "Pray every night in case there is a God". So I did. 

Scopes

I had my upper/lower endoscopy yesterday, I'll get the results in 5 days. I'm afraid there is going to be some kind of cancer in the stomach or esophagus areas, about 80% sure there will be some kind of bad news. I can't see how I'm going to feel about or react to whatever the news is. I've been through expecting a Dr to find some kind of cancer several times. I Did have a small skin cancer a few years ago - and I knew that's what it was before I saw a Dr and had it removed. I also have precancerous polyps removed from my colon every couple of years the last 30 years.

My digestive system has been bad for a While. Terrible heartburn, unable to eat more than a few bites sometimes,  drowning in vomit at night, nausea, pain, not good stuff! 

I guess I wait 5 days to Know.  I dread that it might need a drastic procedure that causes them to remove my esophagus and/or stomach. Or parts of them.  Completely alter my life, make it even more difficult to survive. The whole possible death thing, I can't really see how that news would feel. 

Jeremy working on the Odyssey

He says it's easy, that he can do it,  but he is So Angry at the world today

I'm seeing him wrecking his car or breaking the van

Hope I'm Wrong!!!!!

4th of July 2023

We continued the tradition of going to 

for yhe 4th. Jeremy and I had Jasmine, Kira and Shy and Jessalynn and,Brandon are here for a couple of days which helped to get Jess and Nova to come. But then the ẃeather!! Steamy hot when we got there and pouring by the time the show started. Still, we were together. 

Just loved that ❤️ 

Journaling

It is Monday. Every weekend I think of all the things I didn't take care of the week before and say I'll start Monday and then another week Flys by. 

Saturday I got Catnis's first shots. Jazz got a hampster. Kira went to Funplez with Ban,  took Riley skating, picked up Kura and Riley and took them and Shy downtime with Emilio, took Riley home and then went back downtown to get the girls. Felt like all day in the car. Home around 1030. Yesterday I just worked I'm my garden.

May 2033

 Jessalynn, Brandon, Shy and Riley are here. Jeanette even stopped by last night. 

I love they are here but wish I could enjoy it more!!

I've been sick. Covid, then strep, then a parafluenza, then the Wreck and then RSV with a respiratory infection. 2023 so far.

I saw Death during the last illness. Woke unable to breathe, took a while to think to use an inhaler. Swore I would stop smoking. Still smoking. Right now in fact. I hear Mom all the time "Your father didn't love us enough to stop smoking". Maybe he did. Maybe near death he saw how damaging he really was to us and just let go. 

I get that.

I don't really understand how damaging I've been. I just know I have a family of damaged people and I am the common denominator.

EASTER 2023

 Jeanette brought a roast and some fixings, we made a couple things,  Jessalynn,  Brohan and Riley showed up. Lindsey, Jake, and Annabella stopped by but couldn't stay, and we had Easter Dinner.🙂😁😁❤❤❤❤❤

3/27/2023 WRECK

 Jeremy and I were on our way home from Fred Leroy when i slowed down, all lanes were blocked for an accident up ahead. I said "It looks like a wreck up ahead" and WHAM. First i noticed a terrible pain at the back of my head, then i realized we were headed fast into the car pile up ahead so I stood on the brakes stopping about a yard from the car in front of me. I looked and Jeremy was laying across his broken seat on the floor screaming that his hands were bleeding. I looked and they weren't so i tried to tell over him "YOUR HANDS ARE NOT BLEEDING! DON'T MOVE! YOU HAVE NERVE DAMAGE!!" Meanwhile I'm screaming too, I've never been hit in the head so hard and it made no sense to me because the head rest is padded. I looked in the rear view and saw a smashed white SUV with writing on the side and I told Jeremy again to STAY STILL and that it looked like a city truck, probably insured. We could see the flashing lights from police etc at the accident up ahead but they couldn't see or get to us. Jeremy was yelling WHY AREN'T THEY HELPING US?! so I called 911. A man opened Jeremy's door asking if we were ok and Jeremy started to try to get out so then I'm yelling at the man DON'T LET HIM OUT! When the first ambulance got there they were trying to decide who to get first and we were both yelling that the other was hurt worse and thankfully they listened to me and took Jeremy cursing them out for leaving me. I really didn't think I was injured badly but he was definitely most critical. 

Jeanette got to the hospital pretty fast. My head and neck hurt  very badly but even she didn't think I was badly hurt. She saw Jeremy, he was in the Trauma unit, begging to be put together. We were poked, prodded, and examined head to toe. I tried to sneak out of my room to use the bathroom and got caught and lectured but you could tell they weren't really worried about me either until my MRI came back. The room filled with people wearing dark blue and one said, We are taking over this patient! Why wasn't she taken to trauma like her husband? 

They found 2 bleeds in my brain - I guess that was why my head hurt so badly! I was admitted and moved to CCU. Jeremy was also admitted and moved to Step Down, I believe that means a step out of CCU?? 2 floors below where I was. His nurse brought me a phone and asked me to talk to Jeremy. That he needed surgery and was refusing it and demanding to see me. They told me he would be a paraplegic without the surgery so i calmed him, told him surgery wasn't really a choice. 

3am the second night they moved me to the floor Jeremy was on and wheeled me to see him. He looked so terrified and freaked out!!!! but was happy to see me. We only had part of that day near each other. They decided my bleeds could be monitored outpatient since they weren't spreading and I was sent home. I was back up there the next day for his surgery. The neurosurgeon and cardio surgeon were arguing about who should do what. Cardio explained that if neuro messed up and Jeremy needed a fast transfusion he would just bleed out because his aorta was too narrow to handle the blood volume. Neuro acted insulted, said they WOULD NOT make a mistake and that if cardio went first he might not be strong enough for them to fix his spine. I was 100% backing cardio but Jeremy flat refused the heart surgery. He was just so terrified!! They should NOT have argued in front of him and I don't think they should have listened to him - he clearly wasn't getting it. 

The surgery went smoothly,  finished in 3 instead of the projected 6 hours in spite of some complications. 

He was a mess.  Still is! He came home 3 days after surgery and later that day he realized the risk he took refusing the heart surgery. Had a full blown panic attack sure his heart was about to explode. Checked his heart and oxygen, pulse was high, but was sure it was the panic, gave him a xanax and he calmed down and slept.

Oh. Back to the accident. The other driver told the police he was looking at his phone and didn't see the accident ahead or me slow down. His vehicle went under ours which explains why we were rolling so fast after he hit us. It was not a city vehicle but it Was a company car, Ocean View Transportation.  I called Atty. Matt Knowles from the hospital and he showed up really fast! 

We got an Enterprise rental 4 days after I got home, a 2021 Malibu.

I went for a brain CT last Thursday. No one called me with results so I screen shotted the test and took it to Dr. Gold to read. He said it showed little bleeds all over my brain and told me to stop driving. 

Then who will drive the Malibu?? I'm the only one on the lease and Jeremy and Jess can't drive.....

Funny, the day before the wreck we found out Jeremy was approved for SSI. Our money problems were almost over!! Now we are also looking at a hefty settlement from this accident!!

We just have to survive to collect it 

"Home crap home"

A line from The Money Pit. I think of it a lot.

Our home has been an embarassing disastrous mess since Maple View.  Progressively worse with time. It is embarassing and mentally, possibly physically,  unhealthy. I can't fix it. I try. New Rule this week: I clean something every time I get up. Try to. Scrub a wall or a cabinet door or the bathroom shelves. It's not helping much yet. Jess tries but its overwhelming even without a mental illness. I know I screwed up not having the girls do chores. They will when asked but really, most of this mess is beyond kid chores. I feel deep guilt that I myself don't/can't do more. I feel deep anger that Jeremy won't.  In the "before" when he was working and I was able I kept it up by myself. When he stopped working I hoped he would try to keep the house clean. He does do dishes and sweep and mop the kitchen and living room a lot. Always angry he has to. If I ask him to do more he immediately says WHY ME. If I rare mention how much time he spends playing games etc he denies it and is outraged. When he could no longer drive he was enraged at "being made useless" in a filthy house.

The girls are embarrassed to have friends over. I am, too. Always terrified the landlord will evict us because the filth spills out of the house. The yard screams White Trash Live Here. Our home is the nastiest looking place for miles in any direction - and we live in the ghetto.

Jeremy

I still have no clue how to help Jeremy or to make him easier  to live with. He is so sad and depressed which he expresses with negativity and rage that is So Hard to live with. I definitely believe he would have had a better, happier, life without my family. But he is here with us about 20 years now. 

Jeremy spends most of his time sitting on the futon playing video games or down in his basement room. He'll do the dishes most days, angrily, playing and screaming to heavy metal, usually pretty foul stuff. I believe it is a punishment to the household, make sure we suffer with him, because he knows everyone hates it and he Could wear headphones.  He will sweep and mop the livingroom and kitchen and clean the cat boxes in the same spirit. It feels a lot like hate.

When I could I did all these things and more but I got something out of it I don't believe he does. That satisfied feeling that it's done. The pleasure in it being done. 

I know this atmosphere is unhealthy for ALL of us. I'm aware that Kira's anger issues are fed by this steady stream of negative rage. 

Jeremy hasn't worked since Covid. I encouraged him to apply for SSI with his epilepsy and aortic stenosis. Partly for his health. Largely hoping he can get it and have a steady income even if it is very small. When he worked I lived in anxiety that he would again get fired. It is very sad the problems he had working with men.  No One ever backs him if he makes a mistake at work. It never takes long for fellow employees to notice he is "different" and it is never tolerated. He can excel at his job but will Never get any recognition for it. Never. Add to that he does some pretty foolish things at work that get him in trouble and fired. It is incredibly sad and unfair but it is the world we live in. I've tried to help him, advised keeping to himself at work, just do his job, clock out and leave. Even if he could, the Haters would eventually find him, single him out, and punish him for being Different.

So he is home now waiting for SSI that may never go through. We live on the money I can bring in with my SSI and whatever government aid I can get. We are barely surviving. We live one unexpected disaster from being homeless. 

And we live in filth. Real Filth. It really got to me last month when the car tags expired and I can't afford to renew them so Jeremy can't drive because he has a traffic warrant and we might lose the van. He was angry when I told him, yelled "JUST MAKE ME FUCKING USELESS!" which Really Made Me Angry. Still trying to get over that! I look at our filthy home that extends to a trashy, filthy, yard and see all the ways he Could Be very useful!! I CAN drive. I can't keep up the house and yard. He could but won't. 

Insanity.

I live with grateful insanity. 

He is So Miserable but refuses to go get another life but instead tried to make everyone else Miserable because he is.  What a sad way to live. 

My Jess

I have already said what I think/feel about her. It just never seems to be enough. I want so much to make her life as beautiful as she makes mine! I so much want the whole world to see what I see!! Beautiful,  inside and out, for me she is the hope of the human race.

Jami visit

 She spent the night, already starting to want to go back.

She's skin and bones. Meth sores not healing on her face. 

I asked, to end the debate, if it was just Mike or the drugs that kept her with him. I believe it is unbelievably mostly Mike. She says it all Just Him. Actually said "But he kept me alive". Like I don't know anything about the story. 

I can't save her.

Today.

THE Headache

 It's back. The headache I had with the aneurysm.  Vision seems ok, face numb around eyes.

Obi died 2/22/23 7:45pm

 I am completely heartbroken.  Obi is the only pet I ever had that was 100% mine. I saved her when she was a kitten and then she adopted me. I love her so very much!! Every time I looked at her I was amazed, dazzled, by how beautiful she was and thought how I never dreamed I would have such a beautiful creature. To be fair, Kirk was the first person she let pet her but she chose Me to be hers.  I cried last year when she tested positive for leukemia but I prayed she would fight it off as some do, and then I vowed that whatever life she had left would be the best I could give her. She slept on me or beside me all of the time. I loved the feel of her near me!! When I was sick or upset she always Knew and came to me. 

I held her as she died. Felt her last breath. 

I will never stop loving and missing her. 

Thanksgiving 2 years ago

 I see I wrote about this Thanksgiving,  how happy I was we were invited, was surprised I only mentioned that I got sick and had to go home.

I was sitting at the dining table by Jeremy, dinner was over. Jeanette and David were sitting on the couch across the room. I stood up and Jeremy says my body convulsed before I fell forward. My next memory was laying face down on the floor and that I was peeing. When I raised my head Jenise was there. I said I was nauseous and she grabbed a bowl I threw up in. I told her I had peed, asked her to help me discretely get up. She mopped up as Jeremy helped me up. I was totally disoriented and dizzy. I asked Jeremy if he could get me in the car and he carried me out.

Two things. One, what the hell was that??!

Two, it bothers me, some days I obsess about it, that Jeanette never even got off the couch. I don't understand the total lack of care. Yes, she spent over a year telling everyone she hated me and worse, I still don't understand what either,  but I Always told myself that she loved me. And she talks like she loves me now.  I've spent a lot of time taking care of her the last year, but something is WRONG. She hated Jenise first, that was how I got on it. I know it was about me helping Jenise but still don't understand the hatred that followed. And now I see her with Robby. Well, Not With Robby. None of it makes sense. I want to help but have no clue How. 

Her life is disaster after disaster like the Universe is screaming at her to change course. I can't help because I don't know what change the "Universe" is asking for. If i look over her life I know her spiral started when she and Rob split up, but that isn't necessarily Why it started. Then she met Jon Ways, lost her eye, was indited, and has just been lost. 

I'm so scared for her. Afraid she will just give up. Afraid it's a mental or physical disorder. 

She is so heartbreakingly Lost. 

I'm going to go see her today. 

Pray.

Journaling

 I started my first journal when I was 8 and kept one going most of my life. Occasionally they would get lost and I would mourn the loss and keep writing. Often it was just therapeutic for myself, but I also usually felt I was leaving a record of something for someone,  maybe descendants. Also for myself if I started losing my memory much like I am now.

They are pretty much all gone.  

I really don't journal any more except for this pitiful stuff. I miss actually writing, I loved the feel of pen on paper! 

Now my handwriting is often illegible but even more heartbreaking,  I don't believe any one will care even to read these.

So much I always thought I had things to day, to share. Everyone told me how smart I was, what a great writer. And I believed it! So sad. Not only do I realize no one cares what I might have to say but I no longer believe I have anything to say that anyone needs to know. 

Delusions of Grandeur. Perhaps.  

Worse, I have to wonder if I ever knew anything at all. 

Funny. Now I have the technology of voice typing, it would be so easy to record my thoughts! And I'll think, wait, find a place to be alone, where no one will hear me. Then I laugh at myself for useless paranoia. No one is listening. Even if someone heard me,  they wouldn't listen. No one really hears what i say when i speak directly to them! why would anyone bother to eavesdrop?? So silly. 

I do miss the pen and paper thing. Every now and then I will start a notebook but I do it knowing it will be more trash to dispose of when I die.

I think most of my life I just wanted to MATTER. Its harsh. 

I know I really don't and worse I'm pretty sure I never have. 

I only exist Now to provide for what is left of my family. I can watch TV all day or sit and play solitaire, just hanging on until I die. 

Pointless

I don't  think I have ever felt like my life was pointless but it's the best word to describe how I've felt lately. I sleep, I wake, I get thru a day and I sleep again. All my life before I felt a Purpose even if I had no clue what it was. The only point I se now is that I stay alive so my SSI and other benefits come in to take care of my household. Yes, that is a HUGE reason to keep waking up every day! Yet it is so disappointing that there isn't more. That I personally really don't matter. Perhaps never have. Except to Jeanette,  Jami and Jenise.  Yea, I have to stay alive a while for them. I know Jenise had watched me have jlynn stressing with me and me driving her to work all the time and felt left out. I was thinking I would help Jlynn grow up and the it would be Jenise 's turn and so in down thru the younger kids.  I even had a fantasy that Jessalynn would be a good escape for them and make their paths easier.  WRONG. I definitely never want Any of them to be like her in any way and sadly, I'm afraid I sour my was (as Him would cruelly put it!!) And I'm getting to old to do everything for the other grandkids like I tried to for Jylnn. I'll have to find that strength.  Jenise,  being an amazing Human should take the lead position any way for the younger ones.  

I remember being excited at each day. I remember feeling like I walked in God's hand serving Purpose. The younger kids still give me that feeling,  thank you God.

Thanksgiving 2022

 10 am, the house is waking up for Turkey Day. We traditionally have our dinner later in the day. Once at midnight 😬. In more recent years we have scheduled our dinner late so we could have Jessalynn after she went to the Fitzgerald TG at noon. This year it is also to accommodate Robby having an earlier dinner with his father.

Jess was excited we would finally have Lindsey for TG but I doubt she is coming. That's sad and that story doesn't belong here. 

Thanksgiving.  I am Thankful to be alive for this one. I am thankful that our family will come together today. I am thankful Jeanette has recovered from her burns and has found a home. I'm thankful that Jessica seems happier than she was for years. I am thankful that Jeremy has so far survived his medical issues and that it feels like everyone is trying to help him cope with his mental issues. I am thankful Jami is still alive. I hope she comes today!

This is our first Thanksgiving without Kirk but we often still feel his presence and I bet he is here today. Love you Kirk!!

Laughary,  Ketterman, Fitzgerald, Belk, Mundell, Avant. 

Family.

NEXT DAY 

TG went well but I feel like I missed the main part when I left to pick up Shy. Jenise, Taylor and Robby left while I was gone 😭. Then, after, Riley came to me crying saying he'd called Nett to pick him up. He wouldn't talk to me so I went to Jazz and Shy. They said they didn't know what was going on but then I got a text from Nett saying Riley told her the girls were teasing him about a photo. When I showed them the text they Knew,  Shy said it was all her, not Jazz, and that she didn't mean to hurt him. She did they to apologize but he told her to Go Away.  I HATE this ending to our TG Day!! 

Also, Jeanette was very upset with Robby and i walked into a conversation between them in the kitchen. Nett was clearly very hurt about something Robby had said/done and when I tried to intervene I was ignored ~ I couldn't stop it.

Yes, lots of family disputes happen on holidays,  but I had High Hopes this would NOT happen. 

Jami didn't make it. Earlier she had called me and after we said Good bye I could still hear what was going on and I eavesdropped on them. I heard Mike yelling at and berating Jami in q horrific degrading way and it sounded like he was getting physical when the call was disconnected.  She called later, Breezy had picked her up and she was at Pam's.  She said she didn't want me to get her, said she was beat up and unpresentable,  and I left her there. 

Jeanette came very late with the Turkey, I think dinner didn't start until around 9, and things were over cooked and dry from waiting on the Turkey. Still, it was a good dinner I just wish Jenise hadn't left while i was gone 😭, I'm wondering if she did it to get Robby out of the line of fire????

I hope this wasn't my last Thanksgiving!!

I looked around at all of it and put a Shout Out to Jeremy on Facebook. He works all day to make these holiday events and seems to get so little credit! I Can't do it any more. Jeanette has tried to take over but this year her home isn't put together yet so it was here.

I'm hoping to reach out to Robby and Riley and try to fix/help them.

Jessica 39th Birthday

I  hate that we were so broke for her birthday! And I fell asleep really early. And she was trapped upstairs a lot because of Jeremy's cat 

Hope to at least take her to get her hair done for a late birthday present 

Jess has just been so awesome in my life I would have had a parade for her with a Huge Party if i could 

Joey and Nate visit

They came for Kira's first swim meet Wednesday. Really sweet and really great to see them 😁

A little better

 Yesterday I decided to take my health into my own hands. I think just deciding helped 

I started eating bananas,  the eye twitch is gone. Small victory. Vision, slightly better or at least not bothering me as much. Slight nausea,  took Marinol. Able to plan some activities, have the desire to complete them. Don't know yet how much I will b able to do but have actually started one, clearing my bed. Would like to start laundry,  hate that it's in the basement. 

Ate small Meals yesterday, did Not throw up. Was still just exhausted but have some energy today 

Heal Thyself 

Paranoia or Clarity?

Days like these. The feeling of overwhelming doom. A fading past and a jumbled present. The future  is just a kaleidoscope.  

I'm terrified.

Lindsey Jessalynn and Joey

 Joey came to Omaha 3 days ago and Jessalynn drove in from Lincoln the next day so I have had my 3 oldest granddaughters in town together for the first time in about 15 years. It is wonderful, only a little tinged by sadness that I probably won't live to see this again especially if it is another 15 years!

Shy's 15th Birthday Party

Shy's 15th BD party is at an air bnb. Jazz and Kira left yesterday to go. We all feel how empty the house is without them. I can't imagine how empty my life would feel without them! I don't  think I ever imagined living this long but if I did I didn't imagine grandchildren being the center of my life. Steve and I had a vague plan of living our retirement in a Winnebago camping around the country. I pictured a traveling life when I met Jeremy. Never this and thank God there is This. Many days I feel old, useless, meaningless,  wonder why I am here, blind that Why is right in front of me.

My family is my World.

Post Covid here

 We are 5 days past the last positive covid test here so for now Jasmine and I are safe. 

How did it miss us, the most vulnerable? Jazz was extremely cautious.  I was not able to be nearly as cautious, as the only well adult I couldn't stay holed up. Divine interference?? Super immunity even though I was overdue for a booster shot? 

Thank God. Thank immunity,  thank fate, we survived.

4th of July 2022

 It sounds like a war zone when u aren't part of it . We have three here with Covid, Lindsey,  Jeremy and Jessica.  

It's weird to b the only adult standing and I can barely stand. I don't know how well get thru this. If I go down, then what?? Who can protect Jasmine?? I asked if Nett would take her and she didn't respond. 

I've seldom felt so very alone and weighed down.

New Household Dynamic

 Lindsey moving here has worked better than I even dared hope. We were all nervous,  it's been so long and we didn't know how changed we might find her or her us. 

Then it was like she had always been here.  Plus she seemed to have a positive effect on the house in general. Not to mention having her to help take care of me,  take over most of the driving. 

If she can help me until I can get better I should b able to help her as she becomes more pregnant and needs help. 

Jami is in jail and planning to return to the new/old love of her life who None of us like. 

I don't even know that Jami could successfully be a part of this household again Without Mike. 

I Love Jami. I want sun and rainbows and amazing things for her. She won't find any of that with Mike. I doubt she could even find it here, maybe because she doesn't seem to b looking for it. She appears to always be seeking Death. 

Which is all to easy to find.

Back to us. This household Can Work. 

Lindsey is very much the key to that and I think that Knowing that and Feeling her purpose will make her grow even more into what this family Needs.

Lindsey for my birthday

Did I already write that Lindsey is with me?? And last night Hannah was here.  Such a flashback!!

A Jessalynn Sighting

 Jessalynn and Brandon visited yesterday. I feel like I drink the sight of her with my eyes. I know I have never loved anyone any more than I love her. (OK, maybe a few) I know that the year without her I missed her more than I have ever missed anyone I ever lost, temporarily or permanently. 

 I know she will Never be Mine again. 

But I saw her yesterday 

Overdose

 Saturday, May 27, 2022 I picked up Jami from her camper in the evening. We went to Jeanette's to drop off a tire for her car and then came home. 

I was worried about bringing Jami to town. Several times she has asked me to get her and then shortly after we get to my house she just disappears for a few hours.  

Back up. Jami has been living in a camper near the Lewis and Clark monument for most of the last year with Mike Watson. Mike is a meth dealer/user who doesn't use or supposedly approve of opiates or needle use. By keeping Jami on meth and isolated in the forest she is unable to get opiates.  When she would come here we were pretty sure it was Always just a way to get away from Mike and get drugs.  Rizzo, David Lemmons,  was suspected of being the one who helped her. Rizz and Mike (and others) have been "in love" with Jami for years and would do anything to be with her. Mike snapped her up the day Kirk was arrested last August. Before that, whenever Kirk couldn't get opiates Jami would pick a fight and then disappear. Rizz was top suspect back then, too. 

I talked to Rizz a couple of months ago and he admitted that he had picked her up several times the last year and got her high. He apologized but didn't/couldn't promise he never would again.

Back to This time. When I picked Jami up I brought up those oast visits and she said that opiates were no longer a problem. That she could even be around them and not be tempted. Of course we didn't believe that so we were trying to watch her. Reminded her how Kirk had died April 4th. 

Jami was in the basement doing laundry and I went to check and she was gone. I sent her a text saying this looked suspicious and was surprised she even responded. She texted that she had just run to the store. I could tell she was high. But I stupidly thought she had done it, survived,  would go to bed. We had made the living room futon into a bed for her and she was in there talking to Kira so I went to bed.

I was just falling asleep when I heard pounding on the front door.  It was Rizzo yelling where was the Narcan. 

I gave him the Narcan and ran out front where Jami was laying in the open driver's side of my van. I asked Rizz if we needed to call 911 and he said Not Yet. I got to Jami and felt her neck. She was stiff and had no pulse. I screamed "I'm calling 911!" but then my phone wouldn't dial. I ran in the house screaming for Jazz to call 911. She came out immediately and dialed 911 and handed me her phone. Rizz had used the Narcan and she still wasn't breathing. I started CPR as I was waiting for 911 to answer. Rizz asked if he could run and I said Yes. 911 answered and got the address and started coaching me thru CPR. I'm pumping while they were counting out the rhythm and I'm screaming HELP ME SOMEONE HELP ME. It was probably only a few minutes until I started seeing flashing lights but felt like forever. Jeremy took over compressions as the police were running up to us and I continued counting the rhythm for him. The EMTs came and took over. While I was pumping Rizz and then Jeremy would try blowing in her mouth. NO RESPONSE.  We got out of the way so they could work on her.  I just remember sitting on the steps howling in pain. An officer started asking me questions that I answered the best I could while trying to see what was going on. Suddenly they had her standing, she was alive!! Two EMTs rolled a gurney up and they loaded her on it. Alive. 

Then I could pay attention to the police. I gave them permission to search my van. They asked Who knocked on the door. I didn't tell them his name. They asked which way he went and I told them I wasn't sure because I wasn't. I just knew that this really wasn't his fault. Jami can call him and he will always show up because he wants her more than anything in the world.  He still does opiates but stopped shooting them a long time ago. They found 3 syringes in Jami's purse. Either she brought them or asked him to. 

I told the police her history, my history,  of trying to save her.  I begged them to check for warrants,  anything to detain her.  The officer said he would, for me to meet with them at the hospital. 

We went to UNMC er. There was confusion when I got there because she had given a false name. There were No Police there. They either left right away or never went there. 

I finally was allowed back to see her and the bed in her room was empty. I was sure she had run like last time but they said she was making a phone call. I told them she would run and they said that she couldn't,  that the area was sealed even though I know it isn't.  You could get into the hospital from the ER. Jami returned to her room. I was clearly in a state of shock, couldn't even deal with anything but I tried to talk to Jami. She was trying to blame Rizz and denied she used a needle. I asked her if she was through living, just didn't care if she died and she said No. She did finally explain her problem, her addiction the best she could and I believe it was honest.  She described how the craving would build up inside her until it was all that mattered. I think that is true for all of them. The risk of death becomes obscure in the NEED. She can't promise it won't happen again and she didn't try to.

The doctor came in and did a slight exam. He wanted exrays of her chest to check for broken ribs from the CPR. I appealed to him for help. He said there wasn't a social worker on Saturdays. That there was nothing they could do to detain her or help her further. That she would be released to to home. They got an xray and just let her go.

I brought her home. Asked her to lay down and I fell asleep around 6 am. I woke at 7 and it all REALLY hit me. I wanted to be close with her, wanted to go lay beside her and just listen to her breathe. She wasn't on the futon. A panicked search and I found her in the basement doing her laundry. I laid down to wait for her to come up and fell asleep again. I woke at 10 and she was gone. I searched but she wasn't here and her bag was gone. Everything was crashing down on me. I couldnt take it. Couldn't deal with it. I went to bed and slept the rest of the day and through the night.

New Life

 I do definitely feel like I was given a new lease at life when I survived having that aneurysm. I just have no clue what to do with it. When Kirk died and when I found out for sure it was an overdose I started thinking maybe I should be helping the drug Community. The invisible part of society that nobody cares whether they live or die. Or at least that's the way it seems. But what can I do? I've always wished there was a way I could help the homeless, the poor, the broken. Maybe this is where it should begin? But I have no idea how to start.

With Jeanette

 Robby called Thursday night asking us to please come over, David had beaten Jeanette.  We got there in 10 minutes,  the police were still there, and David was gone. I can't begin to describe what it feels like to see a daughter who's been attacked by a man!! 

We got the boys out of here and Jeremy and I sat with Jenise and Taylor and made plans to protect Jeanette. One or more of us have been here with her since then. Tonorrow she will file a protection order. That doesn't Really protect her but it will help 

The kids are terrified she will take David back. I know it is possible,  women do and she has before, but I think this is it. I pray this is it! He is over 7 feet tall, he could easily kill her and he is very mentally unstable. Like I've done, she thought she could help him. Save him. Like me, she got her ass beat for it. 

Her face is swollen and bruised and he knocked a tooth out. On social media he is claiming he was just Defending himself. I've seen the video. I saw Jeanette telling him to leave and trying to block his entry into the house. He throws her and punches her in the face. He actually posted that video saying it shows her attacking him!! 

No One has Ever liked him. He really is a total ASS. Ugly too. I've never understood except I know Jeanette tries to fix everyone. 

Some things just can't be fixed. Some things don't deserve to be fixed. 

So, I am at Jeanette's indefinitely. 

Michael update

 Mike and I have spent hours talking since his ride to the hospital. It is always just amazing how ALIVE he is. He's scared but cautiously hopeful as he continues to baffle doctors by still being coherent and not running a fever, in fact,  all of his vitals are amazingly normal. Even doctors say that either Mike is healing himself some how or God is. Of course both are true but Mike balks a little at God saving him because he doesn't want to seem to claim that he is Special. I told him that if he is Special it is because of the God in him, that it is not praising him but praising God.

Last night during our wandering conversation he told me a story about finding out we have an unnamed ancestor buried in an unmarked grave who was a serial killer. We were kind of going through our family tree looking at the truly crazy people on Dad's side when he told me the story. 

He also talked about our childhood, something we seldom have done. I started that one. Mike said something about Pride being a fault he has battled and still battles. I said that I have the same battle but that I understand where our prideful stance comes from, that because of the degrading and abusive way we were raised that we both amplified Self Pride to survive it. He immediately saw what I meant and agreed. 

It is just unbelievable the grounds we have covered in these talks and how much of it is healing for both of us. ❤❤❤❤❤❤

My Brother Michael II

My brother is dying. I don't say that believing it, I say what THEY say and what could possibly be happening.

Mike called me yesterday and told me he was doing an enema while standing up and slipped and fell and believed he had punctured his colon. I of course demanded that he go to a hospital ASAP. We talked as he and Terry drove to the ER and then have spoken regularly throughout this ordeal. He had a 4 point laparoscopic surgery not long after being admitted but then was told that he is still dying. That a tiny bit of fecal matter morphed into a flesh eating bacteria that is killing him. They are talking very extreme measures to try to save him such as removing ALL of the already affected organs. 

I want to be there with him so very very much!!!!!!

It reminds me of when my father had his first heart attack in Cape Cod. Mom was afraid that if she flew there to be with him that he would decide that he was dying, that he wouldn't fight to survive to make it home. No, I don't think that the case with Mike and me at all, it just comes to mind now and, by the way, Dad did survive to come home but then died a few days later in a Houston hospital.

This is not that. 

This is about the crime against life that we haven't seen each other in almost 20 years and didn't even speak for most of those. He is talking about that, deeply apologized for it with heartbreaking sincerity and regret. 

I see no way to travel to Texas now. Not only are both of us totally financially incapable I also don't know if I can or should travel so soon after my brain surgery. 

I am so With Him in spirit that I am barely here at home right now. Voices around me are like the noise of adults in old Charlie Brown cartoons. 

I have no clue if I can or will survive if I lose him. Even the years he shut me out he remained the very center of my heart and life. I have never existed in a world he wasn't present in.

Oh Michael.

Document self treatment

 I have to keep record of this somewhere 

I had my WEB procedure March 10th, 2022. I noticed the headache I have had the last year seemed a little better the next day. I was discharged that afternoon. 

The next day the headache was worse and continued to worsen until yesterday. 

On March 16th I saw Dr Ho because my arm still hurt from the arterial line that was there and she scheduled an ultrasound the following day. 

After the ultrasound I was taken straight to the ER where they explained that I had a 3 inch blood clot that needed immediate surgery or I might lose the arm. They were transferring me to Bergan Mercy where there was an arterial surgeon. 

Their surgeon had another scan done and said that the actual blood clot was small, that the pain and swelling were from the artery being inflamed from the procedure. 

Later I will comment on their pain "management". 

I also told them about the head pain but felt that Both seemed trivial to all doctors and nurses there. 

I was released again on the second day. I questioned Why would the artery be inflamed? Why did that not happen to everyone who had this procedure? My questions were ignored at best. I was told to use ice and tylenol for the pain and sent home.

The pain I was in was as close to unbearable as I have ever lived through. I knew without a doubt that if my family didn't need my income to survive together I would have killed myself. I don't have a gun and I didn't want to cause Dr. Gold any investigation if I overdosed so I thought I would find street drugs to use when I couldn't bear any more. 

The head pain outstripped the arm pain during the next few days. By March 21st no headache medicine gave Any Relief At All. I have fioricet and excedrine and aimovig and imitrex on hand, the first 2 were dulling the pain a little until the 21st. 

I called Immanuel Neurology and actually spoke to a human who advised drinking more water and seeing a doctor to check for a sinus infection. 

I had wondered if steroids might help because I was told that the head pain after a WEB procedure and the artery pain were from inflammation. I sent this question through the My Chart ap (which they say is the best, fastest, way to communicate with your doctors office, and got no response. I did at least get a call back about the pain I was in 3 days later. They offered oxycodone which I already have and have told them has NO effect on head pain.

I went to the CHI Benson clinic where i at least felt i was treated with respect and concern. They did believe a sinus infection was possibly making things worse for me and offered Doxycycline.  I asked if they would add a steroid and she readily agreed. I did not mention my hope that it might help more than a sinus infection.

I started the new meds that day and woke the next day with a "normal" headache.  For the next 3 days this has continued. The headache does get worse as the day goes on but I have been more functional and feel I am controlling it with excedrine. I haven't thought about blowing my head off for 3 days. That's a plus. 

The arm pain has either grown worse or more noticeable with the reduction of head pain.

I was very surprised to get a follow up call from Dr Singh who works with Dr Jani in neurology. I had net Dr Singh briefly in Immanuel ER before I was transferred to Bergan. He asked questions and LISTENED to my answers and says I should have another brain scan since the pain has now lasted so long.

I also got a call from a vascular surgery office because the Dr at Benson had actually called them. They scheduled me to be seen again on March 31.

Burn Book

 I've been scribbling in this Burn After Writing book of life questions I bought at 5 below last year but it isn't what I want. I bought Mom a book several years before she died that was called something like The Story of a Lifetime, THATS what I want!! I googled and maybe found one. It was around $30 when I bought Moms, most i saw today are quite a bit more. There is a used book store with them under $10 but how could a Used one work unless it wasn't ever actually used?? I found Mom's,  still blank, after she died but it was lost in the storage fiasco when we moved in with Jeanette. 

I may buy one still. Try the cheap used one and if it is useless maybe I can save up to buy a good one. 

Maybr.

OK Now What

 What do you do with a miracle you know you do not personally deserve?

WEB Tomorrow Morning

 I should have made a will, left letters, etc and have done so little of such. 

I saw Dr Gold yesterday and he assures me that Dr Jani is the best but he also arranged fasting prayer for me. He's not positive Dr Jani won't need a little help to keep me alive!!

10 day countdown

 So, I have to survive 10 days to the procedure and then survive the procedure and then make it to that 1 year mark of safety. Piece of cake. 

I ask why get the miracle of them accidentally finding this aneurysm and then die from it anyway? For the viscous irony maybe.  Or a chance to say goodbyes?? Should I be saying them? I am trying to make some kind of plans for my death but it all seems so impossible.  

I know they will all survive without me.  I just have no clue how.  I've talked to Meezy, he has promised to take care of them but I have no idea how and doubt he does either. Actually I only asked for one thing. I asked him to promise that Jess would Never be homeless. He gave that promise and then added the rest. 

I want the girls to finish growing up together but I also don't see how that would happen unless Meezy really can do it. I see his family stepping in and claiming Jazz but his mother doesn't care for Kira at all.

I've always rather depended on Jeanette stepping on but now with her health failing and her personal problems with repairing her relationship with David I doubt she can do it. Plus her animosity towards Jess over how Jess treats me ~ that's a mess. 

I have talked to Joey about looking out for Kira. She is more than willing but so Young!! Mikey agreed years ago to be executor of estate for Kira but I never put it on paper. At the time I felt very badly about the insult to Jeremy in that BUT Jeremy is Not capable of managing anyone, not even himself. 

I go around and around and always come back to I CAN'T DIE YET. 

But oh Lord I might!!

Waiting

 Has time ever crawled by this slowly? 

My WEB Procedure is scheduled for March 10th and the days are passing So Slow. Time has been passing in a blur for years but now a day feels like a week. 

Should I be making final arrangements? Do I have any to make that will matter? Good bys to say?

I can't forget about it at all. My head hurts constantly as it has for over a year. Some days I can barely see. Am I going to survive this?

Miracle for WHO

 Some believe I just experienced a Miracle and I suppose I did.

Last Tuesday I had extremely blurred central vision. My daughter told me to check my BP which was a little high, 145/105. I took a Metoprolol and it continued to climb over the next 4 hours. At 170/120 my left hand went numb. I called my doctor, Co Tho Ho, MD whose nurse advised I come in at noon to be checked. Dr. ho called back in 20 minutes and told me to go straight to the ER to be looked at. When I got to Immanuel ER I was triaged immediately and began Stroke Protocal testing and was admitted. 

All of the basic tests were done and 2 CAT scans followed by an MRI were done. 

NO CAUSE FOR MY SYMPTOMS were found. 

BUT while looking a brain aneurysm was "accidentally" found. 

They say an aneurysm like mine was never found until it ruptured. Purely an accidental discovery.

I still went through another day of testing looking for the cause of the original synotoms. Bloodwork, heart CAT scan, a thoroughal opthmalogical exam. NO CAUSE OF SYMOTOMS was found and those symptoms just disappeared. 

Without them I would likely have died and the aneurysm found in my autopsy.

So I am sitting here with WHY.

My Life?? I have very little value and I know it. Have known it for years. 

So I think of the disciples questioning why a man was born blind. Was it his sin or the din of his fathers. Jesus replies that it was Neither, that it was simply so those present could witness Jesus healing him.

So I am looking. WHO is MY miracle for?

Maybe no one if I don't share it.

Kira 13

 We managed to get 2 hotel rooms at Red Top for Kira's birthday. I think it went well, the kids mostly had fun. 

"Home Crap Home"

 Title stolen from "The Money Pit".

After years of being disabled and then a month of being almost completely  brdridden I am living in a trash filled, cluttered, dump. 

I've been up for 5 days and made my "to do" list for my home this morning. I started with the living room and might not even get that done properly. I know I can't. I haven't even finished sweeping and I ache all over and want to cry. Its not just sweeping. Its picking up the trash, moving furniture, and all the gross surprises I find when I do. 

Jessalynn was right that my house is disgusting but I am still right to feel that her observations should have only been directed at Me. I feel outraged that I have TWO healthy adults living with me who I almost completely support and my home is what it is. 

I still get that feeling of Karma. The horror and shame I felt when I went to take care of my dying mother and saw the filth she had been living in. I might be just destined to end my days in filth. I'm not Ever going to not be disabled and my condition is only getting worse as I age. Every hope I have had to fix this was a false hope. When I took in Jami and Kirk last year, let thrm build a room for themselves in the basement they said they would help. Were horrified no one else helped me. And then they did nothing. Didn't even clean up after themselves. Let dishes mold downstairs until most had to be thrown away and replaced. I know. Was foolish to hope they would be any different than all the other times I took them in. I once hoped Keetra would at least be someone I could pay to help me but her addiction made her unable to even help herself. I have No One else, can't afford to hire help and actually would  be embarassed to let hired help see my home. I bet it would cost hundreds to have a maid service dig this out!!

Karma.

What they really think

 In this nightmare with Jessalynn jami had been telling me that Jess didn't really know what had happened. All year I have waited for it to come up, to maybe tell my side of it. 

Well, it came up. Raised its diseased head. If Jess doesnt know what happened doesnt really matter. I've been judged and found guilty. By Kira, too. 

I was saying that Jessalynn was welcome here for Christmas and it all broke loose. NO ONE cared what my side might be. 

I just got in the van and left. Destination No Where. Again.

Again, Jami saved me.

I called, likely hysterical. She asked where I was and I told her I was by dollar tree on 99th but not to come, that I was moving the van. I drove into the Walmart parking lot and I'll be damned if I didnt see Jami walking up. I tried to duck down,  too late. She got in. Took me to Harrah's hotel and had Andrew get me a room. 

I was alone there. Scared at first but then I realized I WAS ALONE there!! 

I didnt even know I needed to be alone!! No one judging or hating me. 

She may have saved my life again. 

Jeanette texted me. Said she had received a Bunch of hateful texts about me after Thanksgiving from Jess. Said I was living in a dangerous, toxic environment. That kinda floored me 

I didnt even sense that from Jess!!

Jeanette told me to go where she works and I did. And finally, someone listened to what really happened last Christmas and didnt blame me. 

Jami never blamed me either. Jeremy kind of did. Definitely did but wasnt going to actually say it. 

Jeanette said she invited me Thanksgiving knowing Jessalynn wouldn't approve and didnt care. 

She also invited me to go stay with her and I'm thinking about it. 

What's it like to live in a house where I'm not hated???

I don't know.

Jess is Kiras favorite person. Is that why Kira treats me with disrespect that borders on hatred??

I've been thinking it was just a teen thing.

What if it isn't??

I'm sick of wishing I was dead all the time. 

I'll be dead soon enough. 

Do i have to hate the rest of my life??

I feel like I am always begging Jess and my grandchildren to Love Me.  That one day they will just wake up and SEE that I love them. That maybe I deserve to be loved. 

I am always defending Jess. Making excuses for the horrible person she acts like. I think how Jessalynn said I was disgusting for the way I treat Jeremy and LOOK at how Jess treats him Every Day. 

I listen to her bitch about my cat after YEARS of cleaning up after her dog, walking him cuz she won't,  trying to clean his messes before Jeremy sees them and gets upset. 

I listen to her bitch about what a mess Jeremy makes when he out works here ALL THE TIME,  cleaned up after her when she didn't lift a finger to help with anything for years.  (but this were he meth years,  she wasn't really Her Rhode years) for years. He moved her 3 times  because she had no one else to do it and she still BITCHES about the things he broke moving her  crap BY HIMSELF. Not ONCE did she ever thank 

Jessalynn can take care of her. They deserve each other.

No future planning

 I believe at some point I stopped making plans for the future almost completely. I stopped making shopping lists, plans to pay bills or do almost anything. If this started before the pandemic then the pandemic certainly made it worse. I'm not sure why I stopped,  I only today realized that planning wasn't in my head at all. One day at a time has its merits but definitely isn't serving my family well.

I think being sick and disabled plays a big part in this but I also believe I can do better. NEED to do better.

It doesn't help at all that my memory has gotten so bad that today I felt like making any kind of plans was totally foreign to me. 

I also seem to live in an exaggerated state of Hopelessness that started with my COPD and heart condition diagnoses and was stopped of by the depression following losing Jessalynn last Christmas. That makes it probably at least almost a year like this.

This should be something I can fix or at least do better at. Maybe start writing again, lists of things to do, that need done and maybe daily journaling to keep track of plans and remember them.

Thanksgiving with Jeanette

 I was so happy to be invited to Thanksgiving with Jeanette!! I was very sad Jess wouldn't go but Jami was invited,  too, so we were almost all together. 😁

I have to mention, there is a Huge difference in David. He is So Much more relaxed and friendly!! It makes me very happy for Jeanette!! I think their Jamaica trip certainly helped but it was more than that. 

I did feel terrible that I asked Jeanette if I could show up around noon to hang out and then everything started snowballing around that plan and worst of all I didn't call and explain. 

We really do need to hang out some time 

I ended up getting scary sick and Jeremy had to take us home  but that's another story for another place 

For here and now, we had a lovely family Thanksgiving.

Halloween 2021 written Nov 1st

 This year we only had 4 kids to take, Jazz, Kira, Shy and Riley. Riley decided to go late so we just took a devil mask and a light up mask from a movie I cant remember the name of

The girls costumes were a lot more work. Jazz was Wybi (probably spelled wrong,) Kira was Coraline and Shy was a dead prom queen. We searched through thrift stores for days looking for things to make their costumes. Oh and Jenise went with us once to look for a suit to make her Beetle Juice. (Which turned out just amazing!!)

We got lucky and found a yellow rain coat for Kira, then we found black rain boots to paint yellow. I bought three sets of leg warmers at Dollar Tree thai I cut into pieces to make striped leggings. For Shy we had to find a formal dress to ruin with red blood, used red acrylic paint, then a lot of fake blood safe to be on her skin. We also got Kira a blue wig they cut to look like Coraline's hair. Of course most of the work was done last minute and the cold weather and the unheated house didn't dry any of the paint in time. I Know there is yellow paint all over where Kira sat in the van, there us probably a little of the blood paint where Shy sat. Jeremy painted her dress on the porch so red paint is on the porch floor and in the house. 

Most of the neighborhoods we went through to pick up Riley didn't look like Halloween. We saw No One trick or treating until I Drove to Cherry Hills where we have gone for at least 10 years. EVERYONE was there!! I would drop off Jeremy and the kids and they would finish long streets before i could get through the traffic to them. One time i was sitting in the same spot for 45 minutes, gridlocked. 

But it was still so fun to watch them running around with the dozens of other families all dressed up and all the houses that were over the top decorated! We ended like always, driving to the house across from Benson West. They take "over the top" to a whole new level every year. 

Last stop was Lamar's house, also our tradition. He wants to see their costumes and gives them handfuls of candy every year.

Last was a stop at McDonald's through the LONG line to feed them. We dropped Riley at his house and got home around 11 PM 

.I can barely walk today. Last night my back hurt so badly I kept waking up in pain and thirsty but couldn't scoot over to reach my drink or my phone to call for help 

But I Love Halloween with the kids!! I very much missed having Jenise and Robby. I think Jenise went with her boyfriend and Robby just wanted to stay home and hang out with his friends 😭

I know I won't have many more years of this. The youngest 3 are almost all 13. And i know i won't be around much longer anyhow. 

But at least i have decades of memories of my children and grandchildren Trick or Treating.  😁🤗😂💖

Jami and Mike trailer

 I saw where Jami is living. They are in a camper in/near Lewis and Clark park. There is a farmhouse near by she says they rent the land from. 

It looks like they will freeze to death there this winter.

There are a handful of campers, shelters, around them. We went to take them to get a little propane tank filled. 

She hinted at moving the camper here but no way would the landlord or Jeremy allow that. It would be just terrible for all of us. AND no way can we afford the extra utilities for them! We are barely surviving with just us. 

Can't move them in either. Jami's warrants are one thing and the general dislike for Mike is another huge deal. Plus just cant deal with the human waste again!! Last time was just horrifying. The smell of sewage surrounded us like a black cloud. 

I have no clue how they survive. It doesn't seem a lucrative place for Mike to be dealing meth unless Lewis and Clark is crawling with addicts. 

But that is all moot with the landlord situation.  I couldn't believe we got away with it before! I'm pretty sure the pandemic just starting was part of it.

Saw Kirk at NOVA yesterday

 Yesterday when we were dropping off supplies,  clothes etc., Kirk was being walked through the office area and I got to give him a hug and have a quick word. 🤗

He looked really good, his hair looked a lot longer! But he looked healthier than he has in Years. 

I feel badly, kind of awful, for keeping all this from Jami but dont see any Good reason to tell her what is going on. 

She will Not Be Happy we didnt tell her!!

She seems very settled with Mike Watson in their trailer. They are Definitely a couple. She says she hasn't uses opiates in over a month, I Do believe that since Mike only does/deals meth, but that doesnt mean she is Safe. Doesn't mean she wouldn't go back to opiates if they were made available. 

Kirk is clean of course, but I've seen with Jami how ineffective Forced Being Clean can be. 

I am afraid that Kirk only has 30 days at NOVA Rehab and that won't be nearly long enough. 

I'll check that 

Winter is Coming

 It's below seventy degrees in the house today.  I still haven't paid off last winter's heating bill. 

I am broke. Not yet broken,  but definitely broke. Beyond broke. In debt.

I even thought about the teepee we built in Texas. We could have fire, keep warm. Bonus: No fire ants to battle here. 

Jasmine is 13!!!

 Today is Jasmine's 13th Birthday!! Kira has a surprise party planned that I still am not sure how we'll pull it off!! About to pick Kira up from school to come and prepare, about a dozen things could go wrong, but it will be a Party!!!

A Beautiful Fall Morning

Sitting outside in the porch in the spot Jim sat in much of the time he was here.  It is going to be a beautiful day. 

Heart incident

I kept feeling like I needed a metoprolol but every time I got up to take one I got sidetracked.  Jazz had an sppt at 315. While waiting I checked my pulse.  Was skipping every third or so beat. Discomfort, some chest pain. Made it home, took meds, feel better but very very tired.

Zoo with Jeremy Kira Riley

Already 4:00 when we got here but at least we are here, Out Of The House.  I wish Jazz would have come!! Maybe next time.

I'm sitting. Can't walk today. Dr. Gold gave me an injection in my left knee Thursday. Felt better for a little bit. Maybe it's still better, just not very good. 

I told Dr. Gold that I have been depressed feeling like i am losing my independence.  He simply said "You definitely are" in that "accept this" tone he has. 

Harsh acceptance.  

I'm just realizing what arthritis means for me. I've known I was diagnosed with it and somehow thought it was an annoyance I would have to deal with. 

When it Really Hit recently I was stunned at how Very painful it is!! Every joint in my body started screaming, not just when I move but even waking me all through the night.

Again. Adjusting to my New Reality.

It is a Beautiful Day.  Sunny with a cool breeze.

I'm alone.  Don't know where they are. Wishing I was with them!! when I should just be enjoying that I am out here on this beautiful day. Happy families everywhere. 

I think I could walk over and look at the gorillas, or go in the rain forest. But then they will worry I'm not where they left me.

I think I'm going to let them worry a little. 

I can't just sit here feeling sorry for myself!! 

It will hurt to walk, I could end up in trouble,  unable to get back. 

Someone will help the crippled old lady.

I'm going to see the gorillas 

NEXT DAY

I didnt make it to the gorillas.  I started to walk there but realized it was downhill and I might not make it back up. So I started to head for the Lied Jungle when I saw the leaves moving in some bushes. I crept closer and noticed a group of female peacocks hiding there. I was happy to see some aninals!! I stood there watching them until I noticed Jeremy and the girls walking back.

So. I saw peacocks at the zoo. 🙂

James Frederick Cooper Jr

Jim died 2 days ago. Billy posted that it was a heart attack. Poor Raymond found him dead on Ray's birthday. 

I talked to Jim a week ago. He said he'd been really sick but was recovering. 

Mostly he was wanting to end his year long feud with Jami. I got the message to her right away and she was trying to contact him but sadly they didn't get a chance to talk before he was gone.

Gone. Dead. Passed on. All so final. 

I was in a panic for hours trying to get Jami home, with me, before she found out but it was on Facebook and Lindsey told her right after I talked to her asking her to please come home.

It was still ok, Jami still came here.

Then my own grief hit me. 

Jim could be such an ass hole. Yet he was and wanted to be so much more. The wanting to be, that's what endeared him to people.

Michael took it really hard. I had a hard time telling him. 

I feel the difference in this world without him. In my world without him. 

He was someone who Believed in me. Maybe one of the last. 

Kirk Charges

I don't know.  I'm told that Kirk is being charged with 2 people overdosing and dying from fentanyl. OMG I can't believe this is happening.  

One of them, maybe both,  but one for sure Kirk wasn't even around.  

I hope to be able to speak to his attorney next week. 

Jazz Kira School

The girls are supposed to start school at Macmillan tomorrow. I hate this. I NEVER wanted them to go to Macmillan but don't have a reliable car to take them to a better school.

AND there is the whole COVID th iij ng still going on. I really cant brlievecwe are expected to send them to school with the viral mutations making the world more and more dangerous. 

I could homeschool them and still might. The problem there is that these A and B students failed the 6th grade doing remote learning last year. 

I will let them attend at least a week and pray they survive it but very likely will pull them back out.

I should have helped them a LOT MORE last year.

I won't let them fail again if they have to remote or home school.

kirk update

I know a little more about Kirk's  situation. 

There was a sealed indictment for him since January that was unsealed when he was arrested last week. I still don't know the exact charges against him but 98% sure it is tied up with his associate Dee getting indicted over a year ago on drug charges. There were also possible manslaughter charges for three fentanyl deaths but I think those were dropped. 

I don4 know why they didn't arrest Kirk ssd sooner.  It wasn't a secret he was living here, this address is even on his state ID. One possible reason could be that they were watching him although Jami says that's not likely.  

The deal with living here was that he was NOT supposed to deal drugs but I believe he violated that deal. I would see cars pull up and Kirk go our to it and it leave and I would tell him that looked suspicious to me and he said it wasn't what it looked like.  I was planning to turn him in myself to protect my family before he was indicted.  I figured that if he wasn't dealing it wouldn't hurt him and that if he was I would protect the family. 

I can see parts of the indictment online but only legal professionals can access all of it. 

Jami hasn't been here since he was picked up. I keep looking but dont see an indictment for her. She says she was in jail when Kirk was with Dee but I remember her being around at least a week, with Kirk and Dee, before Dee was arrested. I even remember giving them a ride to a house she said Dee was renting not far from here. 

Whatever. There isn't an indictment for Jami. 

If Kirk was being watched since January then Jami was definitely seen with him. But then again I still dont know the exact charges against Kirk. 

He has been assigned a Federal public defender. I know it is all very serious but wait to know more. 

Snow Ball to Hell

So here I sit with little or nothing on the brink of actual disaster. Where can I say it started? Did it even Jeremy totaled the car? My car! Or did it just start like the rest of the country with this pandemic.

No car. A $600 disconnect on gas and water. Very little food. School starting less than a week with no way to get them to and from school, no school that they are enrolled in, no proper clothing for school or supplies, nothing but disappointing stories to tell the children. A new low for us or at least one not visited in a very very long time. 

Kirk Indicted

August 9th

Kirk was just arrested on a federal warrant, he was indicted but I dont know the charges. Hes in Sarpy County.

Jami disappearing again

Every now and then Jami will disappear for hours or days. It's often with Rizzo.

This Jami Kirk Rizzo triangle has gone on for over a decade. I don't know how Kirk and Rizz have dealt with this for all these years. They both love Jami and she may love them. Drugs have a lot to do with it all. Jami does seem to be with whichever can supply her habbit but also Kirk and Rizzo connect with each other for drugs too at times. It was over 10 years ago the first time I stopped by and the three of them were staying together in a one bedroom apartment,  even all sleeping in a big bed. No, there was never any threesome stuff, just high and passed out together. There is even a place in the room they built in the basement here that Rizz often stays in.

Everyone feels sorry for Kirk but also no one knows why he stays with her. 

We've all seen the pattern. They will be out of dope and Jami will start a fight with Kirk and then storm out and Rizzo will be waiting somewhere near and they take off. Kirk's grief is unbearable to be around when this happens! But he stays with her. 

This time she left in their truck early yesterday saying she was running to the gas station for cigarettes,  would be right back, and it's almost 24 hours later and she is still gone. I've been messaging her and get no response. About ab hour after she left I drove to the gas station to see if she was wrecked or pulled over along the way. 

Now it's the tension of worrying what will happen when she returns. 

She never really says where she's been. Sometimes there is a long convoluted story about broke down vehicles and dead phones.  Sometimes we have to deal with angry people coming looking for her because she took off with their money. This time it was Keetra showing up after midnight. Last time it was a very angry woman banging on our windows and doors. 

I never got an explanation or apology of any kind for that one.

I just don't get it. She does this with no care for how it upsets and even endangers all of us. I try to shield Kira from it but she knows. You can hear people through the vents in this house and all of the kids have heard the arguing when Jami returns or just arguments about drugs in general. 

I know she is a drug addict. I let her move in on the condition that there wasn't drug dealing or violence in this house. Really, it is that I KNOW drugs will kill her soon and I don't want the guilt if she dies on the street and I end up spending the rest of my life wondering if I could/should have protected her, done more.

Where is the Line?

When do i admit trying to save her does unforgivable damage to the rest of us? Especially the children?

Where the hell is she 

When will she return

What will happen when she gets here

?

2:00 am

Sitting on the porch listening to the insects chirp and the wind blowing through the trees. Nature sounds always make me think of life on the farm. The wind blowing through big trees is magnificent! There is a huge glorious tree across the street. I would love to have one like it in our yard!! I'd have a 2 level tree house in it and be sitting in it right now.

I Was

I remember feeling intelligent, accomplished,  necessary,  even brilliant at times. 

I have no clue why.

"I can still tell that you used to be pretty"

Can any other indirect statement so quickly rob you of you delusion of being anything but old and ugly?? 

Those words sent me to look in a mirror, really look, at the wreck t hff at had been my face. 

It made my so glad that I always told my mother how beautiful she was. And, of course,  to me she truly was. 

But I dont think anything anyone could say would have made her believe, feel, otherwise. If she ever doubted her Beauty I never knew. 

I'm not so secure (or delisional!)

Very little of my life was spent believing I was pretty in any sense. 

I hoped that if I got Here that I would rest in believing that I had Inner Beauty.  

Maybe it's the prevailing depression, but I have been even more disillusioned about my Inner Beauty.

Maybe a starry eyed Faith in God and a belief that there is Good in Everyone and the peace from those beliefs once gave me Inner Beauty.  ???

I just know that ever since I heard those words I have woke up old and ugly every single day. 

Its actually liberating in a way. No more make up or fancy hair cuts. No more "watching my figure". 

But it just feels too much like just waiting to die when i give up on Trying.

Maybe Sad 

Movie night

Last night Kira, Jazzy, Robby, Shy and Jeremy piled in my bed to watch the new Conjuring movie. I need a bigger bed!!! But I love these times togwther❣💞💞

I hope we can do something tonight too. 😃

Today

I'm very stiff and sore today, likely from the last week planning and planting my flower  garden. 

In the scorching heat or freezing cold, I always prefer to be outside. There is always So Much I should be doing in the house but I would always rather work on the outside. Maybe I've always been this way. In a perfect world for me the people here who prefer inside would clean the house so I'm not out here always thinking I should be inside working. 

Today the garden must rest. I elieve I could push through the pain and then be fine working out here. But the nightmare I call My Room has to be dealt with. The girls want to hang out today and I promised them I wouldn't wear myself out in the garden and end up too exhausted like yesterday and too many days. And if part of my time with them is watching a movie and some anime in my room I have to dig it out. 

It is just piles of clothes and junk that ho to the ceiling in places. I haven't been able to get to my closet in about a year. There are at least 2 hefty bags of socks in baskets, bags, and boxes in there. Clothes of every style and size, mist if it likely not wanted by anyone. 

I know they say a room like mine causes depression, sleep problems and probably more issues but I often just feel helpless looking at it. 

Today I tackle it.

It will probably be more exhausting than building a snow fort.....

Kittens

The feral cat (who isn't so feral now) that we call Baby Mamma had her kittens on the front porch about 6 weeks ago. We were thrilled at the honor, she couldn't have said she trusts us more clearly! and the kittens bring us a lot of sunshine. I barely do anything anymore so I might enjoy these little things a lot more. 

She had 6 kittens but one, the only black one, died the second day. The remaining 5 are fat, healthy, and beautiful 💕. I have the only survivor from her last litter, have made her Mine and she gives me great joy. I have avoided cats since finding out they are on the 3 page list of things that I'm allergic to but see no point in denying myself the pleasure of having one since I have an expiration date. Loki ranks a hair below my grandchildren on the Love Scale.  She knows she is mine and I can't deny her anything. 

Aside from allergies there is another reason I have denied myself a pet since Scotty died. Yes, I don't want to go through any more Loss. Loki seems to be a safe bet. As long as I take care of her and she doesn't go outside there is at least a 90% chance that she will outlive me 🙂. I Do worry what will happen to her when I am gone. I will leave you instructions that she be put down if no one can/will take care of her. 

Back to the porch litter, I wish I could keep all 5 of them!! I can no longer carry out a full cat box and can barely get Jeremy to clean it so it is unrealistic to think of having even 1more cat in the house.

Oh. I actually already have two. I rescued a black feral kitten in the dead of winter with Jeremy's help. I was about to give up on ever taming her when she finally decided to trust me. Jazz named her Obi. We tossed around and rejected names for her for weeks before Jazzy suggested Obi. Obi is still skittish but she comes to me to be pet and played with when she feels like being a baby and she will likely end up with the same status as Loki. 

Back to Baby Mama.  I thought that I was just helping her keep this litter alive, thought I was detached, an onlooker, until I couldn't find the kittens last night. The neighbor girls had asked to play with them earlier so my first thought was that they had taken them or done something with them. Baby Mama was calling for them and sniffing around the neighbor's yard which also made me suspicious.  Jeremy, Jess  Kira and I looked for and called for them for an hour. They had Never been missing. I had Jeremy knock on their door repeatedly but they wouldn't answer (maybe partly because it was 10 pm and the woman there hates us). (Hag). 

The despair I felt caught me off guard. It felt like my body would shut down! 

Then a kitten came crawling out from the west corner or the porch. They were all asleep behind my plants under a wadded up tarp. 

I might end up being the North O Cat Lady.

Well, Mom had 27 dogs so it wouldn't be totally shocking. We could call it a family trait. 

...

Mother's Day and 2nd Covid Vac

Yesterday I went for my 2nd Moderna Covid vaccine.  My arm hurts and I feel a little crappy,  achy, headache, loe grade temp. Maybe this is as bad as it gets. 

Jess ordered flowers,  donuts and chocolates for me. That was my first Mother's Day gifts. Then more flowers and plants from everyone else here.

The big surprise, Jeanette sent sushi for my lunch. I don't know how I feel about that. And somehow it bothered my to find out that Jess knew she was doing it. Did Jess ask her to?? And what does it mean? Is Jeanette forgiving me for the mess she made? Does she in any way realize that I didn't Ever attack Her?? 

I felt a warmth in my heart when it was delivered. I do love and miss My Daughter. 

Do I forgive her for the last year of abuse? Do I even understand it?? Even if she really believes that I did her wrong somehow, would that justify her vicious attacks?? Whatever she might or might not know, she KNOWS she told lies to smear me. Who treats their mother like that?? 

If the truth doesn't make your point then maybe you don't have one.

My Heart Overfloweth

Yesterday Robby came over for the first time in a year and it left me just overwhelmed ❤. Sitting and just listening to him and Jenise made my heart explode! Jenise gave me a handwritten book of her poetry that would be worth millions on Ebay if I ever sold it after she is discovered. Her work is extremely powerful. I know that talent at her age is often the most powerful because the teen perspective is so raw but if she manages to keep it into adulthood and build on it she will be unstoppable. Everything she writes is relatable on every level. Steven King before his accident is the only writer I've ever said that about.

Robbie didn't offer as much conversation but his glory was often in his commentary on others and even often just the expression on his face.

Robbie talks like he lost his art muse. I really hope he gets it back because it was amazing, too! He says that his mom gave him a tattoo kit he has been studying how to use and trying to design some tattoos Jeanette has told him she wants so maybe that will wake his muse and give it a new direction. 

I took them home around 7 and was just giddy driving back home.