Nightmare - Larry

 Up in the middle of the night after the weirdest,  real feeling nightmare. I was with Larry Wells. I had left traveling with him after some kind of problems at home.  I was nervous to be with him.  I was always a little afraid of Larry with the way he stalked me all my life and the stories,  theories,  that he killed his first wife after he met me.  Stories HE kind of told me,  too. I don't know,  was afraid to wonder WHY he told me.  So,  we were traveling together and we were at a lake area near an airport we stopped at in another country,  walking and chatting,  and he turned to me and his eyes were different,  terrifying, and he grabbed me and pinned me to the ground.  I should mention somewhere that we were the age we were when we met in this dream. (20's). I knew that I was about to die.  Still,  we went back into the airport and I was scanning the few people around looking for help when I bumped into a young man and whispered that I was about to be killed.  He whisked me away from Larry into a big room full of mostly couples. I asked if we were safe and he said that the room was secured and not to worry,  everyone one in there was full of heroin. I asked if he had any and he laughed and pulled me to the floor with him and passed out laying across my right shoulder.  I was still terrified,  kept looking at the several doors to the room  afraid Larry would find me, and a little afraid that the guy on my shoulder was dead,  overdosed. It looked like everyone in the room was OUT - who could protect me? I woke up a little, still feeling the guy laying on me for a few minutes, until I was fully awake.  I got out of bed so I wouldn't fall back asleep into that nightmare.  I looked for Larry on FB. Saw that he died 13 months ago!!! I left a nice message on his FB. 

Maybe I'll stop being haunted by him. Rest in peace,  Larry... I'm finally free now except for the nightmares...

Afterthought: Im still feeling the fear from this dream.  The Larry story was all so very real.  Hehe was arrested after his wife was murdered and hired Racehorse Haynes to defend him.  Racehorse was the famous attorney from the book/movie Blood and Money and Larry was,  obviously well off to be able to afford that defense team.  I was only 18 years old when I met Larry,  still pretty naive in some ways,  but I knew to be careful how I rebuffed him even from the beginning.  No one used the term "stalking" yet, I had no word for what was going on,  but that would definitely be the word for it now.  Larry showed up every where I lived or worked,  maybe he had detectives? Houston is a huge city,  I should have been about to hide.  Whenever I was in any kind of trouble he would show up but I only remember actually calling him and asking for help once.  I was arrested in the NASA area on my Honda 350 with my Harris County jail friend,  Linda Halverson, riding on back.  I don't even remember the charges but I called Larry for help.  He said that he would come and get us both out if I would bartend at a party he was throwing. I agreed. He bought me a silk, vertical striped vest and black pants for the party. I don't remember any of the bartending, all I remember is him showing me a room with a naked girl tied to a bed who he said had been there for 3 days. I think her name was Pat?? It never even crossed my mind to report what I saw.  I'm sorry but also that girl actually stayed around later after he let her go. She was obviously trying to use him for his money,  that's probably how he got her to begin with,  so I don't feel too terrible now! but I don't remember anything after seeing her there.  No idea what else I saw or experienced that is in that blank space in my memory.  He would show me women he dated,  but usually tied to a bed! But I think he hoped it would make me jealous.  Before the bartending, when I got in BIG trouble,  the Drug Delivery charge,  he showed up at my hearing and I saw him make a deal with my lawyer,  I saw a stack of money change hands. I was sentenced to 7 years probation starting with 30 days in county jail.  (Where I met Linda!) Larry's deal did not include the 30 days. I wonder if the lawyer was still alive after cheating Larry? I'm pretty sure Larry hoped he had finally bought me.  

Moms Eulogy

He 2004 for my mother

Did you really think these things

wouldn't get done

Once you weren't here to do them?

Don't you know that

I'm the one

Who will let you shine

right through them?

"Don't worry about

my lilies anymore!

Not important!" you gasped,

"Let them go"

and then you clapsed

your hand with mine,

We said good by

one last time,

And don't you know?

Your legacy is mine.

Your lilies bloom

and the Koi

circle their roots,

and, yea,

I'll tell you the truth,

We have big worries

and bitter tea,

Seen some long days

since you left me.

But lilies, your lilies,

are very important

to me,

Don't you know

that I'm your legacy?

So those arriving still see

Koi and lilies in the water,

And you, through me,

Your daughter.

Your legacy is safe

with me.

Wow!! She is great-great grandma to Elliot!! 

I miss you, Mom!! Wait for me❣️

(Unless u r already here in our Jenise!)

The Scion

 Meezy and I went and looked at the Toyota Scion yesterday.  He did the test drive and it is an amazing car but it is extremely punchy and fast!! Paco also had a PT Cruiser in the same great condition for sale. Kira decided she wanted the Toy after seeing a picture but I absolutely don't want her to have it after that test drive.  A new driver,  who refused to listen to me when I was trying to teach her how to drive!, absolutely should Not be driving the Toyota AT ALL. And she is flat refusing to have the Cruiser.  She really doesn't seem to understand that I don't at all OWE her a car.  Or that her part of this settlement is only the $2,400 for her pain and suffering.  I did consider taking the Cruiser even though I really want the Scion but, yea, that's actually a terribly idea.  I really believe and am terrified that Kira Will Have an at fault accident before too long unless she slows down and startes caring about me then the music playing in the car.  And she plays it full blast, can't hear anything going on outside of the car!! I can recall at least 2 times recently that I avoided accidents only because I HEARD a car in my blind spot!! I have to be extra careful driving in my old age and she should be extra careful driving at her Young Age. Paco is guaranteeing these cars because he and Meezy are so tight. No One Else is going to GUARANTEE a used car!! But if I won't give Kira the Scion she is not insisting that I but her another car online that won't be guaranteed and might only run for 1 day again!! And Kira really doesn't get it that he part of this money is only the $2,400 for her "suffering". The $6,000 is for My Vehicle that was totaled.  I'm trying to Be Nice and help her buy a good car!! Jess kept asking if Kira realized that so I said it to her last night. It looked like she really hadn't thought about it before and she even weakly tried to argue it.  I SHOULD just but the PT Cruiser and tell her to rant it out leave it.  Or let her try to find a car for $2,400. I really am thinking about telling her she has to pay me back for anything over the $2,400. I know that Jazz wouldn't expect anyone to just give her a thousand dollars to fix a mistake She Made!!! He father is helping her pay

Writing about Jeremy

 It's 6:30 am and I guess I've been up all night writing about Jeremy in the Jeremy page of the blog. Well, I had a lot I've wanted to say!! I've said some of it before but I wanted to put it all together.  And I've been really missing him. I wanted to explain what it meant to me when he offered me a room there so he could take care of me.  And I wanted to spit in Brandon's face a little more. These things are worth staying up all night but today is the last day with the rental car and I am buying a Toyota today. Big day. No sleep. Oh well. .

Actually I woke up because my knee was hurting so badly!!! Sitting up is less painful than laying down but it still hurts today.  And I had to reschedule my knee injection appointment with Dr. Gold because our streets will be closed for resurfacing all next week. That is going to really SUCK!!!! 

My Jenise

 Jenise has just Blossomed being a mother!! Phillip said he loves what having Elliot has done for her self confidence and Wow! is he right!! She knows she is different, too. That's how confident she is now!! She KNOWS she can't be unattractive or wrong in any way to have created such perfection. And Elliot is absolute perfection!! I stopped by and sat and held him for about an hour and he was awake and just delightful. He's looking around a lot more and looked me in the eye repeatedly. Not like the long stare Jenise gave me the first time I saw her but - that was a once in a lifetime thing ❤️.

The deal

 State Farm is settling on $6,050.24 for the van.  With the $2,400 for Kira's injury we should be able to get cars. Meezy found a Toyota Scion with a new motor for $3,500 that I will buy and hopefully we can find Kira a car with the rest and Jazz can get her car and we will all be ok. It will be a rough road for a week or so - we have to return the rental Saturday and won't get any money until later next week. I've NEVER had to return the rental before being paid!!!! Add to that that I have about $7 left on my cards and $10 in cash, so we are in trouble.  I am supposed to return the rental full of gas and don't know how I can even do that.  I've asked Jami and Jeanette for help. We'll see.

Elliot Kiser Dodson

 ... entered this world at 5:02 pm today.  ❤️❤️❤️

Jenise was a total champ!! She Did Really want him out! and she worked hard to get him out! She births easy like her mom.  😀 They told her she won't need induced next time just like her mom.  It was absolutely precious to see her and Phillip greeting their beautiful son! It was Phillip,  Jeanette and me in the room with her when he came out with Philip's parent,  Jamie, and Riley waiting in the hall. After he got here the room filled with family to greet him and then at 8 we all cleared out to give Mom and Dad some time alone with him and to rest. 

A Beautiful,  Beautiful Day.

Inducing Jenise

 Jenise will be induced today at 10 am amc Jeanette amc I will be there along with Phillip and, of course,  Jenise❣️❣️❣️  They "scraped the membrane" last week,  (sounds awful!) and I believe induction is done with drugs now? Probably done with a dull stick back when!! It is so close to Elliot time!! I will get to be their stand in when they need overnigt help to get some rest or whatever. 😀😃😄 I was on the phone with Lindsey when she had Addie but I've never been involved with the newborn care of a great grandchild.  Jazz is the only one of my grandchildren I got to be involved with as a newborn! 

Memory

 I'm having trouble today.  Mind all jumbled.  This maybe had all been just too much. 

I feel lost.

The $30,000 rental

I got a rental car yesterday.  It's a new Nissan Rogue, Jazz's and my dream car,  but I was supposed to get a Malibu.  I'm having to pay $23 a day for insurance until I send State Farm proof that my auto insurance is only liability and then State Farm should pick up that insurance cost and refund the 2 days I already had to pay on it. (I sent that last night). At least I am mobile!! And,  since no one else can drive the Rogue, I am again the family chauffeur until this lawsuit settles and Jazz gets her Rogue fixed.  I got the car and then had to go take Kira to work and pick up Riley from school and then I went to see Jenise. She was craving Sushi so I took her to get some.  I left out that Jenise,  9 months pregnant! took me to Dr Gold at 10:45 am and then took me to get the rental car.  While I was taking Jenise for sushi Jess called and said that they were finally towing the van to a shop.  Jess really wanted a quarter pounder so I got her one and then I picked Kira up from work and then I went to pick up Jazz from work. I can't believe that this used to be my life! and that it is my life again for now.  But it is much better than us all being stuck with No transportation!!

Jeremy future past

 When I met Jeremy we were both pretty much homeless.  He was still staying with Barefoot but had already been told to leave (the home he helped Barefoot buy!) and I was with Mom but she didn't want me with Jeremy yet and Mike really wanted me out of Houston.  Jeremy's mom flew down to rescue him (from me) (and Stacy,  but that's another story!) and Mike arranged for me to fly back to Omaha (another BAD story!!) No one wanted me in Omaha,  I ended up living behind a gas station with my b belongings in a laundry basket until a kind woman saw me there and took me in.  I ended up in The Spring Center for battered women (wow! another story!) and I called Jeremy who said to go to him at his mom's in Oklahoma. We were there until my appendix exploded, Mikey picked us up and took us to Bellevue,  I ended up back in the hospital,  Immanuel,  and Mikey threw Jeremy out so he came and stayed with me at Immanuel until I was discharged.  That was all ANOTHER horrific story but Mom rescued us.  She heard about my hospital stay in Oklahoma and Omaha,  how Jeremy never left my side either time,  and she became a HUGE  Jeremy fan.  She sent bus tickets and we went to her.  The first thing she did was give Jeremy the Manuel book for her car and the keys.  It was her symbolic acceptance of him.  We stayed there until she went in the hospital.  By then Barefoot was in prison so we went to his place. It was much older then Mom's but,  bad as it was,  much more liveable. Less mice. Another Story. Barefoot's trailer was falling apart,  big holes in the floors, rotting. I mentioned how I always wanted to live in a Teepee and by God Jeremy found what he needed an built us a teepee the next day!! The months in that teepee at the back of Barefoot's property were the bassist days of my whole life.  Definitely another story! Then Jami called,  in labor with a baby we didnt know she was pregnant with, strung out on meth and oxycontin and she wanted me There To Help even tho There wouldn't be much I could do since I was no longer a Nebraska resident.  We packed everything we could and both came to Nebraska.  Jami promised that Mikey would either return us home or take us to her our things from Texasbut we both brought everything we corks of things that meant something to us.  Good thing because we never got back to Texas even to get our belongings. Mikey threw Jami and us out of the house to play like he wasn't addicted to drugs so he could get Joey and Michelle.  He lost Lindsey day 2. We would have ended up homeless here again but this time Pat and Jess took us in. Another Story. I finally got my SSI settlement 8 months later and we got a real home.  Had a home ever since.  Wherever we lived,  I made SURE rent was ALWAYS paid no matter what else we had to lose or do without. 

It's Friday

 Oh I thought it was Thursday all day!! I thought I had another day off the week to settle this!! 

Oh - what if I should have called a lawyer to start with?? It almost feels like State Farm WANTS me to hire an attorney!! They still haven't even declared FAULT after telling me the day after that they WERE. Said we were getting a rental car and that the van would be picked up the next morning!!! And NOTHING HAS HAPPENED!! And now they say they are still deciding FAULT!! I didn't sleep at all the night after,  took trazadone the next night and then felt drugged (because I was) the next day.  Pain all over and felt like I couldn't breathe last night.  Did I lose a night?? No.  I lost Thursday.  And I really am having trouble breathing.  Couldn't catch my breath for a couple of hours after I woke up today.  Still not 100%. Started using that inhaler,  the new steroid one,  again this morning even tho I am still battling thrush from using it the week before.  Thrush is better than No Oxygen. I don't even have an O2 meter any more. 

Kira took an Uber to school. 

Oh. And the transmission went out in Jasmine's car!!!!😓😩😫😭😭😭 

WE HAVE NO TRANSPORTATION!!!!

I figured out how to get on the SF CLAIMS site and I sent them the recording of the boy explaining how it was HIS FAULT. But maybe that won't be enough for them.  Maybe I have to hire a lawyer and let them take 30% of what little this pays out. I HATE THIS!!

Jeremy called today.  He really wants me to hire someone - I should have listened to him to begin with.  Dammit!!!!!!!!!

Shady

 Yesterday when I called State Farm and gave the information on the insurance card they said that they had no record of anyone by that policy number,  vin #, or name.  I decided to try again today and they did they had it. WTH? They took the accident information from me and said that they will investigate the information and that they would settle with us  IF they decide Kira wasn't at fault and IF the person, Octavio, driving will be covered.  That sounds like BS. Especially if it's a company truck. So now it is wait and see. They are supposed to call when they decide but I'm going to keep calling and asking what is going on.  I also want to get the ID # of the accident report i filed online with the police.  And maybe try to talk to the police.  I might also call a lawyer.  I just don't think this settlement will be really big enough to give 1/3  to an attorney.  I really hope that isn't necessary.  Kira was hurt more than she thought.  I figured it would hit her later.  By the time we went to the ER she was in a lot of pain and the doctor told her it would get worse before it got better. She is really pitiful.  She keeps apologizing even tho it wasn't at all her fault.  She's got some PTSD, too. She's scared in a car. Scared to drive again. 

I tried to put water in the van radiator today.  It ran right back out from all over like it is crushed.  I had to get Riley - I though Jenise was - so I was late and after I saw the van couldn't hold water I jump started the Malibu and drove it with a flat tire and brought Riley here.  Jenise go him and took him home.  

Having NO CAR is awful!!! 

Kira first car accident

 It wasn't her fault,  i have the guy on video admitting it was his fault,  but it's a company vehicle and when he called his boss they told him to stop saying that and get a police report.  We did get the police to show up after 4 calls but they said they don't get involved unless there is serious injury!! We don't have insurance so we don't have a company to fight his company for us. I guess we need a lawyer to fight for us???? This really sucks. I was going to get insurance yesterday but just felt too sick, i Kept not answering their calls.  I texted that I would call them back today - and I'm going to - but this would all be so much easier if I had done it yesterday!!!!

Kira wasn't really hurt, I'm taking her to an ER any way,  her neck hurts, maybe not from the accident but I'm sure it didn't help! The guy pulled out in front of her on NW Radial. He said that he looked and it looked like she was 2 blocks away an that he had tying to get across the street in front of her. Then he asked how fast she was going, like she covered 2 blocks so fast he misjudged it. I have the 360 report saying she was Not Speeding. The van is pretty jacked up.  NO DAMAGE to his huge truck

She hit his tire.

UTI

 I need a break.  99.9% sure about the UTI, and severe thrush, bad combo!  antibiotics will make the thrush much worse,  impossible to cure until the antibiotics are done.  And I have so many things that I need to get done!! I still haven't finished the deck,  the garden bed needs attention, and a lot of little jobs inside the house like fixing door hinges, some painting,  hanging kitchen curtains,  fixing Jess's bed where that screw sticks out and cuts her leg all the time - that one should commit first!! Plus I have clothes to repair/alter for people and I'm making Jenise a nursing drape - I hope to have time to embroider that!! 

Weird, it occurred to me a couple of days ago that I really could die any time,  might not even make it thru the list! with brain bleed problems,  "fatty liver", lower heart issues,  COPD, and a high chance of colon cancer it's actually surprising that I am even alive today! I know all of these these things,  but the last few days it's actually been a FEAR. Paranoia. Anxiety. Panic attacks.  and then a little bit of feeling like there must be reason that I'm still here.  I'm not finished.  I need to be here for Elliot's first year at least.  I don't know why else.  Maybe time to get my household in order to survive without me.  Maybe my family still needs me.  

I went to get some green onions out of my garden for Jess and threw up over the edge of the deck.  I guess I'm not going to get anything done on that list today....

Being old and sick sucks. I need to do laundry,  wash my "Everything Hurts and I'm Dying" shirt.  I should be wearing it every day. 

Oh and I have been in severe pain since the football game.  The left side of my back.  I don't really understand - I really didn't think I was very hurt from sitting in the bleachers this time.  OH OH OH - I have a UTI!! That pain could be a kidneyhurting!!! ?????

MUD SHUT OFF

Of course,  the day I'm ready to make arrangements to catch up the MUD bill they show up to shut us off!! I'm begging the guy to give me a minute while I'm having to leave to take the girls to the dentist and then I'm driving trying to pay the bill over the phone within the 20 minutes he said he would give me and of course the bank card I need is at home on my nightstand.  Jazz called Jess to get the card number and I got it done in 15  minutes.  When Jazz called Jess to give her the verification code Jess said that the guy had left right after I did.  The gas and water are still on so I guess he decided to give us a break?? But, well, now I'm  pretty much broke. And we don't have car insurance.  And the house taxes are over due.  Oh well.

WTF

 Maybe Jeanette is right and I need to go to the doctor.  Something is very wrong. Maybe it's still the pneumonia,  I don't know but when I start working I feel good and then real fast I feel Real Bad. I pulled off the old step finally today. I was so worried that Nova or Gabby wouldn't realize the step was gone and fall - no, I fell. I knew the step wasn't there but just misjudged how much difference it made.  That didn't help my day!! And I realized today that I don't have enough 4×4 wood to fix this deck right and  replace all of the rotted wood, even just around the step I'm replacing. I priced it and will go buy at least an 8 ft 4×4 whenever I can, hopefullytomorrow.  This No Car thing is really getting to me!! That's also part of why I don't want to schedule a Doctors appointment.  I have an important appointment with neurology Thursday but thankfully that is a day that I was keeping the van any way because Kira has a big game.  Jess and I are going.  They are doing a fancy pyramid and Kira will be front and center.  ❤️ We have to be there for that!! An the girls finally have dentist appointments Friday. So this week is full. Maybe I'll have a car to see the doctor next week. 

Wasted Day and Wasted Nights

 I got NOTHING done today.  NOTHING.  

Gabriella in heat

 I've already said it.  She is just amazing❣️ My heart just overflows when I look at her.  I love the warm feeling of her laying next to me.  I LOVE the way she is always so happy to see me❣️ And I am just as happy to see her ❤️. I am so terrified of anything ever happening to her.  She is in heat so we will try again to be her with Nova and I am excited and so very scared that something will go wrong.  She is So Very Tiny!! And got in the world will we sell any of their puppies if she has some?? Nova and Gabby?? They will be the cutest puppies in the world!! We will end up keeping them all!! 

To Do

 My To Do List is SO LONG!! Everything from rebuilding the deck steps to calling/texting Lindsey!! My phone call list alone is very intimidating since I've started Hating making business phone calls.  Actually,  I pretty much hate all phone calls - and that's not exactly new.  I've never liked talking to people when I can't see their face.  Whatever. I HAVE TO call MUD and whoever handles property taxes.  I guess fixing the deck can't really be put off much longer.  That bottom step is going to slide or break and someone is going to get hurt.  I need some yellow caution tape!! and about five people who want to do all of this for me. 

Oh,  Phillip says he is coming this weekend to treat the yard for mosquitoes!! That will make the outside work much less terrible to do! 😃

The Shower

 ...was actually fun.  It was overwhelming because there were So Many people there but I was very happy for Jenise to be having her day.  Philip's family came up from Kansas for it.  His parent,  Jamie,  greeted me with a book of poetry she had written.  I was very happy to be a recipient and when I took the book to put it in the car I read one of them and it was excellently written.  Michelle had planned the silly games that are played at baby showers and I was very pleased to see Kira and Jazz joining in whole heartedly.  They really made me proud at the shower in all ways.  Linda stayed by me again.  This gathering was even a little worse for her because he ex, Al, has married Philip's grandmother since their wedding and her other exes ex wife was also there so we sat off together in the front room with Riley, Jeanette and the girls.  

The best part was how happy Jenise looked.  She really was glowing today! 

I came home sore and exhausted but glad that we went.  

First Baby Shower

 How did I get to be 67 and Never go to a baby shower before??

Rebuild some of the deck

 I've been planning out rebuilding the steps to the deck and replacing some of the 4×4s that are rotting.  I hope it's rot and not termites but we aren't seeing the things that usually indicate termites.  It's all stressful enough without thinking it's termites!! I've measured and remeasured the pieces that I need to cut, terrified to actually start cutting.  I have the wood i need just in scrap wood we've collected but if I mess up too much I will end up having to buy wood that we can't afford.  I just know that Jess loves having the desk so I have to figure out how to make it good. 

I'm having a rough day.  Hands shaking badly,  feel kind of terrible. 

Plan Z, was Plan A

 Whatever.  I'm excited that we might actually finally Do This!! The beginning will still be rough.  I have to come up with about$1300 in car insurance real soon , $800  for MUD. $1300  in property tax if my exemption somehow didn't go thru (Actually I know I mailed the last form in late) (but I thought it would be ok when they said nothing even when taxes were due in July). I can take care of MUD if they let me pay them the money LHEAP paid to OPPD instead of them,  around $350 a month to catch up. Oh,  I still owe $500 foot for years house insurance and that will be due again in April. $2,500 but maybe I should ship around for homeowners insurance.  I just went with Progressive because I already had car insurance through them.  First hurdle will be the auto insurance.  Maybe the first of next month?? But that will leave us without any coverage for about 5 days when the current policy with Root Insurance expires. 

The drawing board

 Ok. Seriously working on how to comfortably move Jeanette in here.  That will save us all.  Should Have been done last year. Instead I tried to give Dave and Jami a break and both are still unable to care for themselves but at least I stopped making Dave our problem.  No Clue why I let that go on so long.  It was not,  as Jami says he claims now, because I needed some kind of emotional tampon after Jeremy left.  I definitely Did Not need anyone with No Income to replace what Jeremy was contributing here for sure!! Yes, I did feel that I needed some kind of protection from the Hatefest towards me for telling Jeremy to leave (again, something he Thanks Me for now) (how are the Haters swallowing that?? I do wonder....)  I begged Dave to start pulling his weight but he just wouldn't/couldn't? or maybe thought I would just support him forever. Anyway,  I had Jami to protect me.  I had outside support from Jeanette and her kids and Jami was all I needed within this house.  Moved her in right away when I saw how the wind was blowing and that's a huge part of why she is Still Here.  I do worry how long I can keep on keeping her like this.  The meth use In The House alone should have put her out by now.  And there is No Discussing the issue because she just denies it even tho everyone can smell it and Everyone she has over is a Meth user. The constant mess - she might have more belongings than anyone else in this house.  I am the only one who might have more but I am throwing things away almost every day now.  I am still,  will always be grateful,  for how she took a stand for me! But that shouldn't mean that I let her walk all over me ever after.  Actual,  if she was Really Standing With Me,  she wouldn't be causing me harm.  

I will give Jeanette Free Reign to fix this household since I evidently don't have the back bone to stand up for myself and the kids here. She will be paying at least half of the bills here - something I have NEVER had!!!! (Well, not since Steve) Who knows?? I might even experience having "spending money" again before I die!!!! 

A Big Fat NO

 Oh crap oh crap oh crap!!!!!

I got turned down!!!!!

I'm out of plans, just going to be flying by the seat of my pants now. Ok. Yea. That's what I've been doing my whole life. Pulling rabbits out of empty hats. I just really thought I bought a back up plan when we bought this house.  Sure, I could sell the house.  I would probably lose my Social Security

Or would I??? 

I'm going to check some things out

Holy shit I was Wrong. I would not lose benefits because I am at full retirement age!! I'm almost positive that is true.  I need to check more things,  like,  I might lose my medicaid benefits and What would that mean to me financially??

Maybe. Maybe I can still find a way to take care of all of us.  

One more fat rabbit from that empty hat.

Foot tapping

 I reapplied for a loan at Metro,  I should know within 48 hours. Even with the house as equity i could be turned down because I have NO credit history, I've bought everything cash since Steve. That $200,000 debt he left me kept me from being able to buy anything on payments for 7 years and then I never wanted to be in that position again so here I am.  With NO credit.  

Jeanette is checking her credit score to see if she can cosign. He credit history is kind of a mess but he income is impressive.  Maybe she can help if I need it???

We have to figure out the car situation here and being a loan is about the only way I can see to do that.  

Possible bank loan??

 Metro emailed me that I need to try applying for a different type of loan there,  that I didn't use the application that uses this house as collateral.  So, Maybe?, we might be saved here. 

30 Days in the Hole

 I doubt that I can pull off a Grays Anatomy and give every episode a song title...

Desperate measures.  I finally decided that my only option here is to take out a loan so I tried today AND I WAS DENIED.  I'm just stunned.  Lost.  Every time I have mentioned it to Jami for the last 3 months she has said not to worry,  that she can fix it,  but then it has been just nothing.  She hasn't even been able to pay her way here. I thought she really had an idea that might work a couple of times.  When she said she was doing that Phrendly thing I actually told everyone that Jami had a solution.  When she said she had valuable things she was selling to pay the MUD bill I actually told everyone Jami had a way to fix it. I don't say anything now.  None of her big plans for Tomorrow have been anything.  I have No One to save us. Except Jeanette. Maybe Jeanette could but Jami and her basement full of stuff blocks that.  Right now. I may have to change that. I've told her to get rid of everything and get ready to have a bed in my room so I can rent Jeanette the basement but, so far, Jami is still bringing more and more stuff in this house and has even had us feeding an extra person again. She'll take 2 cups of coffee down in the morning and extra food down to the basement. She says we need to have a meeting about the thermostat settings saying that costs too much money while she has us housing and feeding her friend Mike.  Always someone bring secretly housed back to having people sneak in and out thru the window of her room like a teenager pulling off shit at the last house. She can't ever be confronted because it's just deny deny deny and gets more ugly that it is worth. Probably intentionally?? I don't know. 

I just know ALL OF THESE GAMES HAVE TO STOP.  AND, moving Jeanette in has become my only option if she will do it. Phillip has mentioned it,  too.  I worry a LOT about combining households with them,  they are still Newlyweds!! but they might need it, too,  but a lot world need to be done to become Baby Ready. I would seal off the living room and make it a little room for them. Might have to do that to give Jeanette decent space,  too. This basement is so trashed!!! The photos of it before we moved in just make me want to cry!!!  At least the space Dave was using is fairly cleared.  I give him credit for that.  Zero for laying down there,  fiddling while Rome burned.

I just asked Jami if she really has a plan to save us.  She said that she alrady told me. I asked her to remind me and she said,  "With my disability!" That ofen has been declared all year.  DHHS says she hasn't even really filled.  She swears she has but I Know that can take years even if she did.   I remember now,  she has been saying that she will get it right away because of her deaf ear,  which could still take as long as any,  and I think she did say something about it not being a viable plan if she doesn't qualify for the cochlear implant.  

I have 1300 car insurance,  1100 MID, 1300 house tax,  and 900 house insurance ALL OVER DUE TO BE CANCELLED ANY DAY. PLUS repairing or replacing Kira's car. House repair and upkeep. And just living expense while I do all of that.  Nova and Gabby desperately need shots and Novs needs groomed. (Must have shots first!) I just had to spend $50 on their flea treatments because Jami forgot to treat her cat when the rest of the animals were treated.  She treated Gregory 2 weeks too late and her fleas came upstairs to the pets up here.  My car tags expired last April and I've needed an oil change for Months and there is an issue with spark plug #2 and probably that ignition coil,  too, things that had needed done for almost a year. Oh, and the van needs a new universal joint before I ruin this new transmission.  These are all things that should have been done YESTERDAY. I told Jami and Dave all of this at the beginning of summer.  Dave gave me $70. Jami buys a few things with her food stamps.  I've asked her to use hers to have pork or something on hand because Jess had to cook a lot of chicken meals - it's the cheapest meat! Jami acts offended when Jess keeps making chicken.  We would love to have beef more!! But even cheap hamburger is now  $5 to $6 a pound!! With Jess getting about $250 and me getting $140 in food stamps I really don't know how we eat all month!! Wait.  Yes I do. I have to spend cash for food at the end of the month.  I know Jami must get about the same as Jess but it never seems like she contributes nearly as much as Jess. Does she still get food stamps?? I have no idea.  I know she has no income. I think she has guys buy her cigarettes sometimes,  maybe give her some money.  Sometimes she says Hupp or Toby pay her for helping them.  But No. She is not going to save us except by making room for me to move in people who can and will pay rent.  

Jeremy and others

 He has been really amazing thru this.  And amazed as anyone that I have survived so far!! He hates the way I live here even more than I do.  He even offered me the spare room at his new place!! Again, Crazy Man. I agreed that I might go for a visit but not to stay. He is good with that.  But he has been just absolutely supportive and,  well, he's been Jeremy.  The guy I met who existed before he was exposed to my family. 

I said that "he hated the way I live here more than I do", but it's not all that terrible.  I've been so acclimated to this family that I really didn't realize that my letter begging Jenise and Phillip to stay sounded more like "run like hell!" until I reread it thru Philip's,  or anyone not acclimated's, eyes.  Or maybe he already didn't notice either. They say they are staying but did also say that they were taking me with them if they decided to move so maybe a little bit of the weird darkness got out. 

Jess does try to take care of me in an impersonal way.  It might even seem sincere if I had amnesia.  If I hadn't seen and heard her choose the despised Jeremy over me.  (not talking about my despising!) It very much feels like she is hanging in there until I die and leave her this house. No, I already gave her the house. But,  big little things.  I'm burning up with fever for days, barely able to walk,  and No One brings me a glass of water.  Both time I was in the ER they said I was dangerously dehydrated, gave me IV fluids.  Yes.  I could have asked that Jess or the girls start bringing me drinks. Like I could have Asked that people help me dig my garden.  Pride goeth before death!! I remember thinking of this household watching me outside digging and sawing wood and building my garden bed.  I HATED thinking that I would have to Ask, even Beg, for help.  Jeanette noticed and she doesn't even live here.  I know she would have been here and helped me but she works,  so instead I saw she was on FB trying to find someone to hire to help me. Yes. That CARING was what I need.  I don't have that.  So I do all of my own work,  usually I really don't mind,  and when I can't get up I lay in bed wasting away. 

And.  I. Keep. Living. 

Whenever anyone questions why I don't stop smoking I almost choke, holding back crazy,  hysterical,  laughter. EXTEND this life by giving up one of the Few Things that give me comfort???? 

But,  no, it's not so bad.  Jeremy and I have made sure that I won't be homeless again.  I'm not really at anyone's mercy.  I could have Home Health Care any time.  (Actually, that can end up being forced on me!! Home nurse visit is tomorrow!!) Before we were able to buy this house,  I fully intended to enter a Rest Home by now and be playing bingo and shuffleboard with my dying peers. But now the family could lose the home I am trying to leave for them if I do that.  And I care about that... well, maybe it's just a habit to care about that.  

I have ways of understanding and even caring about the hate both Jess and Jami have for me.  Years ago I googled parents of drug addicts whose addicted children hated and even blamed them for their addictions. And Holy Crap it is so common it is almost a cliche'! I know a LOT of the things both Jami and Jess say happened to them growing up NEVER happened. Jami swearing that Steve and I threw her out when she was 16, wouldn't let her return home after she was committed to Immanuel for pulling a butcher knife on Steve. We both remember clearly sitting by her bed begging her to just come home.  She "remembers" a Completely Different scenario. She remembers Steve "stealing" her tax return in 2008, maybe 2009?? whichever,  it Never Happened but she would swear on her life that it,  and many other things, did. Steve and I tried to keep teenage Jess from Jami but that just made Jami more determined to sneak off with her whenever she could, all the while filling Jess's head with God knows what.  Then Jess started her own time with addiction. She will swear that I made her lose her section 8 housing even tho I was at her house,  banging on the door, calling her phone, yelling for her to please COME OUT and go to her recertification meeting. This was a meth or bath salt phase? 

But what I learned online was this is Very Common. And that nothing will likely ever change any of these beliefs. They have been repeated to fellow users and to themselves until they are simply the truth to them.  At one time I actually thought that the denial of accusations that involve Steve AND me would be some kind of a double verification of the truths when we both said they were wrong.  No. Not at all.  Trying that almost makes it worse.  Then it's a conspiracy.  Pointing out the insanity of the time,  like Jess trying to turn me in for having an unsafe home because I had "deadly dust mites" in the corners of my home.  She brought a guy, obviously very high on meth, to my house saying that he was a Health Inspector!! to look at my dust bunnies. But pointing out anything like that is just "being hateful" and means Nothing.

Jess is at least off drugs. That's wonderful! yet doesn't help either. She still holds her hated for things She Believes.  For example, how we wanted rid of her so badly that we made her a ward of the state and put her in Foster Care.  She has no memory of repeatedly, dangerously!, running away and saying that living Any Where except with us would be better.  And, when she became the first kid in Foster Care here to run away from her foster care home and Come Home we then fought to keep her. Actually hoped that the worst was over.    That is all a Completely Different story from her.  So much!! So many stories!! Many very sad.  How I thought she was fat so I wouldn't buy any "junk food", causing her eating disorders.   I almost never bought junk food in the years on the farm and for many years after because It Is Junk Food. I didn't even know she blamed me for this one until years later when her sister told me.  She was the Baby Of The Family.  Plus,  she was crippled when she was 4 and deaf to boot. We spoiled her as long as she let us.  The girls all had chores growing up.  It was, again, many years,  before I knew that Jess never did hers,  Jeanette did them for her.  So Jess grew up not knowing how to do anything around the house.  (She's been learning since she took over for Jeremy) (but almost exclusively from Google. She still seems to resent and/or reject learning from me) Her friends and their parents thought we were so terrible to her that one of their mothers actually showed up for her court hearing to become a ward of the state,  condescendingly saying, "I am here to support Jessica". 

Jess was a nightmare teenager. In some ways, more so than Jami.  Definitely harder to understand except that we Always knew that she was Different. Couldn't speak to anyone outside of family to the point that the school kept asking if we were sure her hearing had been repaired. I believe that her drug use started as Self Medicating.  It made her able to talk to people. Maybe even feel more "normal". If anyone that we took her to had ever figured out medications that helped maybe she never would have turned to drugs?? I don't know.  

BANDOs

 I kept trying to remember what creepers call abandoned houses when I was writing about the one that keeps trying to kill me.  It's a bando.  

Home nurse visit soon

So hard to get in and out of my bed!!! It is an acrobatic feat.  It feels like if I bend too far I'm going to break.  My legs get worse with the lack of activity every day.  I'm back to square one with the knee pain.  I twist and turn and push with my arms to get past that breaking point.  I use my arms to roll off the bed but I have to get to the edge just right in order to stand up.  It feels a lot like time to just give up.  

I have a home nurse visit next week.  What will i tell her?? I don't know what I will admit to, or what she will be able to See on her own.  

Worried. 

Bathing

 It has become so hard to bathe!! I am going to make or buy something like Mormon temple garments so I don't have to sit naked when I start actually needing help bathing.  I guess I'm already there,  been there,  but I want my garments or something.  A little dignity.  

I can just die.  I've known that for a while.  All my worry,  How will they take care of themselves?? How well they keep this house?? I'm calling BS on myself there. If i had died in that crash or any time,  every one would survive or they wouldn't.  I didn't own a home most of my life and none of them ever have.  And they survive.  I would have just left it in Jeremy's name if I was sure he'd outlive me and his family wouldn't end up with our house, he didn't want that either!! and there is no guarantee that he will outlive me.  I have hope that Jeanette will step in and save the house.  If not,  well, they will all survive however they are meant to.  

No.  I'm not suicidal.  But I stopped really fighting a long time ago. I've made some effort to live to meet Elliot, and,  barring a new disaster! I believe I will.  

Now.  I've put clean sheets on my bed.  I forgot about having a blanket ready but again,  oh well!!

Tree removal

 Little hand saws from Dollar Tree, a big saw, a right handed circular saw, and a rustly, large, hack saw, mostly the little folding hand saw,  and I dug up and removed 3 trees that were destroying my chain link fence.  

Really stupid

 Day before yesterday I was feeling better.  I told Jami I just couldnt so thinking about the plants outside that house, and reminded her of all the loose bricks there that she wanted, so she agreed to go there with me. There is an area terraced up 3 levels,  built with big flat stones.  I was at the top level,  stuck my pitch fork under a big plant and when it popped up I feel backwards bouncing down each stone level to the ground landing on the to of my head. I don't believe I'm was knocked out.  I remember each level bouncing down like in slow motion that was never going to end but Jami swears I was Out. The worst was that I damaged my "good" hand,  the bad hand got a new bump but my left hand was bleeding at the wrist.  I didn't climb back up there but got a few more at ground level and Jami got a couple and loaded them, and the bricks,  in the van.  I knew today would be the worst pain and it was supposed to rain (of course it didn't!) so I put them all in the ground when we got home.  

I was so right about today!! Everything hurts again!! but not from burning fever,  just from pure stupidity.  I need to drag the hose out and water everything in,  (then it will probably finally rain) and I am out of commission for at least today.  Dr. Gold calls still. I didn't tell him.  I'll tell him when I see him,  especially if some part of me is damaged and needs his help.  

Don't Bring Me Down

 I hereby Kick the Hantivirus ass!! I'm not well, pretty far from it! BUT I AM ALIVE.  I should not be.  

Yes. This life right now is miserable.  I can make it out to my garden but then just sit and watch it dying.  But,  I am not dying.  I might even be here next year to try another garden 😄. 

Jeremy was over the top when he heard.  He actually called instead of texting, funny,  when I can barely talk!! But he was ready to jump in his car and come help. I begged him no.  Then he tried to send money.  Crazy man. I was glad we talked,  I was still unsure if I would survive another day,  and we had things to talk and cry about together.  He is the only one who knows our love story before I decided to return to Nebraska to help my "family". He knew what they were like,  not just from what I told him, but he Saw It when Jami and Jess came for Mom's funeral and didn't say a word to me.  He begged me not to go and then refused to let me go without him and that was really the end of us.  I don't know if I really saved any of them but it almost killed Jeremy.  

No. I don't want him back here.  I want him Happy where he is.  

I can live or die here without him.  Funny,  I told him everyone was helping take care of me (which he did not believe) but really,  except for a few visits from my very pregnant Jenise,  no one has visited.  Even the people who live in my house really don't SEE me.  Maybe I live to spite them all?? No,  I live for the few I really matter to.  Jeanette's amazing children,  and more distantly, my daughters and other grandchildren, including Shyloni. Jenise and Riley alone could keep me alive thru Ebola!!! I believe Robby is in there,  too.  I just don't get to see him much.  

"Don't Bring Me Down" by ELO, my song with Leonae until she died. 

Hantivirus, that's what its called

 I just noticed I never named the demon 

Dr Gold called

 Last night he actually called me after hearing what is going on.  He didn't really offer a lot of hope except his past amazement at me surviving the impossible many times, but his fear was very clear,  too. And his feeling of helplessness. He told me to start drinking lots of citrus and let him do more research.  I think I am feeling better today?? Until I try to Do anything,  like walk around. 

But I am very glad he is involved.  It will be Jeanette or Dr. Gold who find the magic cure.  I 100% believe that. Oh, yea, or I will find it myself.  😀

What they say

 When I saw the doctor we went over everything I had been in there for yesterday,  everything Jenise had explained,  and then I told them about The House.  I ended mentioning that I had looked at my test results online but that the chest exray wasn't there.  He said,  "Yea, I know.  There is a dark spot in your right lung that we need a better look at.  We need to do a radioactive dye test". I told him about my allergy thinking he would blow it off not wanting to go through the extra trouble and time to prep me with steroids but he agreed right away.  He said that the fear was that the dark spot was a blood clot or cancer and either of those would need surgery.  I PULLED THRU AGAIN. The dark spot is neither cancer or a blood clot, although they will have to monitor it to make sure it doesn't turn into cancer.  The bleeding is coming from father up.  He saw spots of pneumonia this time.  About The House. Yes. Something there could have caused this and that something could turn out to be fatal.  It takes 3 weeks to test for it and by then,  if it is going to kill you, you will already be dead.  So it is wait and see.  The antibiotics should help the pneumonia and bronchial infection but may do nothing for the rodent dust. If I am still posting here in 3 weeks I'm probably going to beat that,  too. 

Riley has no symptoms yet but we have to watch for him for 1 week for the symptoms that I have and he needs to be treated for parasites. Both of us do, regardless.  Diatrometris Earth should take care of that. 

I'll see you in 4 weeks.

Back in the ER

I left out a story,  in this journal,  and when speaking to doctors in the ER yesterday.  I hope it doesn't matter,  that I am wrong about what is going on. When I called Dr. Jeffrey tiff morning and told her the story she told me to get back to the ER and tell them this story. 

Friday Jami told me that Mike Knowles was hired to clear out a vacated house and that it was full of good things, maybe even a working electric stove for Jess. (Ours barely works) Riley was over after school and heard us talking and wanted to go with.  We went there and the place was in Much Worse shape than we were lead to believe! We still poked around a while,  mostly just looking at all the crap and the mystery of the house.  It looked like the last occupants had died or something.  There were family photo album's scattered in the rubbish.  A VHS player was hooked up indicating this place has been vacated many years ago. We noticed that our hands were filthy and when we blew out noises black crap came out.  We went to his house and washed up.  I told Riley to shower and wash the clothes he was wearing.

The next day my stomach hurt terrible.  Walking bent over crying terrible.  I adjusted to the pain over the next couple of days and when I slipped on the ramp I joked that at least my head now hurt so badly that I didn't notice the stomach pain. Then I started the vomiting,  in the front yard! and Jenise came over when she heard of me falling twice and hitting my head.  She sat with me in my room for a couple of hours and I thought I was feeling better so she went home.

That night I started running fever,  shivering, freezing. By morning I was hallucinating and couldn't walk without assistance.  Jenise took me to the ER. She had to do most of the talking and told them about the fall and then being sick. I was pretty surprised that they checked the fall and the fever- ERs famously treat the most emergent ailment and send you home.  

But we left out the story of that house.   I don't think I was able to really fit it into the picture until last night after I started coughing up blood. 

When I told Jami about the black stuff in our noses she was horrified.  Said she meant to warn us to wear masks and gloves.  That house has sat vacant for over 15 years.  Mce, rats, raccoons and God knows what else have lived and died there.  There is a dead raccoon in a closet! Also, Jami indicated that she might not have been truthful about Mike being hired to clean that house out. She said that there are vacated homes all over the place that people help themselves to.  I went back there with Jami wearing masks and gloves and saw that she was really scared of anyone seeing us there.  That was my first clue.  I'm horrified that I not only possibly exposed Riley to deadly diseases,  I had him trespassing with me while he is on probation for trespassing!!! The fact that I was trespassing is very minor in comparison to everything else. 

So, I'm waiting in the ER. I looked at the possible things that being in that house could have done to us and Phillip, who is an exterminator,  knew even more than I had found about it.  

This one might kill me.  But that has been said So Many times that it would be hard to believe.  Dr. Gold has told me "This is it" twice and other doctors have told me to "make my arrangements" at least three times. 

Coughing up blood is a little bit scary.  I saw the admitting receptionist start rushing my admission as soon as I disclosed that.  

Not Good.

Maybe this is it

 I'm coughing up blood.

Deathly ill?

 I don't think I have ever been sick quite like this before.  Once on the farm,  I had Bells Palsy so I didn't feel the pain when I got pharynhitis. I had a 105 degree fever and terrible vertigo before I knew that I was sick. It looked like everything was just flying around my room,  not in circles around me but just a chaos of movement.  This morning was maybe a little less frightening than that but still terrifying.  I was awake most of the night shivering and freezing,  but I was too weak to get up and even grab my coat hanging on my bedroom door.  I piled my pillows on top of me and shivered under them for hours.  By morning I realized that I needed to take Tylenol and bring the fever down but I kept dropping the pills.  I would see them land on my bed but when I tried to pick them up they would just vanish.  I tried to find my phone and call for help and I would see my phone in different places but every time I reached for it it would disappear.  I realized that I was hallucinating but knowing that didn't help.  I got out of bed to go get help but fell down over and over trying to get to my door.  I did get out of my room at some point and told Jess and/or Kira that I was sick.  I understood that I should go to an ER but argued.  I couldn't drive.  Kira had to go to work around noon. I was still freezing and unsure of everything around me. Kira called Jenise who came and took me to Immanuel.  They probably saved my life. I was so dehydrated from the fever that my blood pressure barely registered and my oxygen was dropping below 80%. I thought that they wouldn't look at the whole picture,  the fall,  possible head injury,  that could cause all of my symptoms except the fever, the possibility that several things were going on with me,  but they listened to Jenise and checked everything.  No brain bleed, just very ill. They suspect it started with a virus but was now a bacterial bronchitis headed for pneumonia.  It was a long wait.  I felt bad for Jenise,  8 1/2 months pregnant! having to sit with me all day.  Then I had another First. I fell asleep while taking to Jenise.  Several times. Passed out, fell asleep, just kept checking out.  Poor Jenise didn't know what to think!!

They let me come home with prescriptions BUT it is labor day and the pharmacies are closed,  of course.  I'm a little afraid to go to sleep tonight but I am prepared this time.  I'm taking tylenol to control the fever and have my big coat on the bed in case I wake up freezing again.  I was hydrated thru an IV at the hospital and I'm making sure to keep drinking.  

I have to survive to meet Elliot. ❤️

A Day

I get up and go outside and then work in the garden and the yard all day every day.  Every day.  Sometimes until after dark.  If I have to drive kids I take them where they need to go and go back to work until I just can't do anything else.  Disabled.  Emphysema.  Arthritis. Ehlers Danlos. Lower heart malfunction.  Hypertension. Interstitial cystitis. Brain microbleed. Spinal Stenosis. Herniated Discs. Cysts in both Knees. I beat the shit out of those things almost every day.  

But somehow it seems like people think I don't do Anything all day every day.  

This family is something else. 

LOSS

 Surely I have not been through any more loss than any one else my age.  Maybe I just really struggle with dealing with Loss. 

My Aunt Johnny started it.  Then my father,  that was a huge one in so many ways! Then my first "crush",  My niece, Linda,  and really her mother,  Terry,  who became Terri after her coma, and was Never Terry again. Then Herbert.  That one almost literal killed me.  I came a hair from following him to the grave.  Jami's best friend,  Sara. Then a string of losses that weren't deaths. Loss of The Church when we found out Oran had stolen All of our daughters innocence.  Another one that almost killed all of us.  It ultimately killed my marriage to Steve even tho we struggled together another 15 miserable years trying Not To Be a statistic.  Losing Jami to addiction.  Huge. Still dealing with That one.  Lost Lindsey when she was only 6 years old to Jami and Mikey and then John,  which ultimately destroyed her.  That one was another that I didn't know if I could survive it.  Losing Steve for real in 2001 that again,  almost killed me,  not only because he was systematically poisoning me,  but I just really actually thought marriage was "till death so us part". I lost my mind for a long time after that one.  

Jeanette visit 🙂

 Jeanette came and stayed a few hours yesterday.  Always great to have he over!! She grounds me sometimes and is anyways teaching me the new things she is learning.  I think i will really enjoy when she finally moves in. 

Riley

 So very proud of my boy!!! He's doing good in the Omaha Street School 😄. He goes every day so far and seems to like it after getting over the strict rules.  He proudly has good grades in all of his class.  It doesn't hurt that they have to order in food, no cafeteria,  and i mean good food that he mostly likes.  And the girls are cute. But he is doing his assignments and says he is LEARNING got the first time in years,  probably since 5th grade!!! ❤️❤️❤️ 

Lindsey ???

 Rumor is that Lindsey is in Ohio, Addie is back with Max, and Bella is with Jake and Lindsey and Jake are divorced.  Not sure about that last one,  wasn't sure they legally got married and then how would they get divorced so fast??  I got all that in bits and pieces from Kira, Jess, and Jami.  I'm afraid for Lindsey.  I think the kids are ok, but both Max and Jake are pretty strange.  Addie acted like a girl who's been molested when she got here from Max. I'm pretty sure the issue is still drugs and maybe the bipolar for Lindsey. Joey disowned me over Lindsey. (Addressing me as "Rhoda" was that,  right??) Joey defended Lindsey fiercely about whether or not she was doing drugs and if the meth in the car when Lindsey was arrested was hers.  Everyone except Joey and Jake KNEW Lindsey had been strung out for Months,  maybe longer? No one but Lindsey and Jami know whose meth was in that car.  I just know how careless it was for her to smoke weed right outside the entrance to A BIG grocery store!! Jami wasn't even in the car,  just Lindsey and a drug dealer.  I knew Lindsey wouldn't get any real Jail Time for it. Small amount,  first offense. I did hope that she might get some kind of Probation period,  drug testing, the would slow her down if not make her Stop. 

Jake was a Hero Man exactly like Mike Manning.  Hero Men believe they are saving women while they are just enabling them.  Is the world full of them?? Probably.  The parallels between Jami and Lindsey are frightening.  Where will this cycle end? Steve and I tried to stop it from starting with Lindsey but Mikey helped Jami take her and here we are.  Will it continue with Addie and/or Annabella?? Will Lindsey find another Hero Man and try to gather her chicks again?? 

I'm afraid for Lindsey but have no idea how to even help her, let alone Save Her.  I never figured out how to "save" Jami. I currently house her but she takes her methadone, smokes her meth,  and does nothing for herself. All her friends are drug addicts. My basement is coated in meth. You can smell it down there. No.  I don't know how to save Anyone.  

Drowned

Heart

 My heart feels funny the last few days.  Rattly. 

Week II

 3 days to Jasmines driving test!! She is driving her car to school and picking up the boys from the Omaha Street School afterwards right now.  Kira's car still isn't ready but maybe today?? 

Figure out the first week

 Jazz doesn't have her license yet and Kira's car already broke down so I don't know how to figure out getting everyone to school and back.  I already messed up today,  I somehow didn't realize that the boys started today.  I had to call Jenise to go get them,  late, because Jazz and Kira were out school shopping with my van.  I was thinking I would give Kira the van until her car is repaired or until she can buy a new one if it can't be repaired and I could use Jazz's car to get her to and from school or let her drive it but then I need a way to get the boys home because Jeanette works 2nd shift. I have the Malibu,  I'd have to get insurance for it again,  but oh my head is starting to just scramble up!! Why can't they just all do Online school!! No,  I wouldn't want that for them,  these should be years they remember for making friends etc. I was hoping the girls would both be legal with their own cars!!! Then I would only be picking up the boys in my vehicle.  

I've been so very bleary again lately! I'm drinking coffee at 6pm trying to wake up and figure things out but I think it's Not making me feel awake,  just kind of ill with my heart skipping around.  I hope I don't try this again!! 

I know Jenise and Phillip are wanting to talk to me,  and tried to call a couple of times while I was resting and she told me when I called her about picking up the boys today that they need to talk to me.  At least she is here if we need her help!! Someone mentioned how convenient Brandon's dislike of me was for them.  I don't think it was schemed like they said but all the years I spent taking care of Jessalynn thinking she would influence and maybe help with the younger kids didn't matter in any way at all.  Jessalynn did good and settled in Lincoln and has an excuse to not even help with her mother.  Not that we need help.  Jeanette and I have planned that Jess will Always be taken care of but I know she wishes Jessalynn was around more. Those years when Jessalynn called and texted me all of the time, I hated that Jess wished it was her.  When Jeremy accidentally caused the first rift with them that was the silver lining - Jlynn started talking to her Mom more and Jess was Happy. I was in pain like when John first took Lindsey away but that made it better.  That pain still weirdly hits once in a while. Just out of the blue I'll have a memory of Jlynn that hits me in the gut and takes my breath away.  I don't ever cry about it any more.  It's just that sucker punch but not too often. No, then I see Brandon's face saying that he wouldn't apologize for being disrespectful.  How happy he was to finally say something like that to me out loud. His eyes just Danced with glee because it was just him and me in the room so he could gloat. Long ago, I told Jeremy that Brandon never forgave me,  yes, while I was waiting to get an apology,  and I did apologize to Jlynn, anyway,  I KNEW. Jeremy said I was imagining it but, even tho Brandon is a very good liar, he would make a great defense lawyer! but I could feel it. It was in his eyes, in the way he said "Grandma",  just glaring at me but so skillfully hidden from others that they couldn't see it. I still responded,  gave him medicine for his joint pain, planned his birthdays, sewed his clothes, and waited for when it would come out in the open.  His big closing statement.  And wow. Some would think he was one of those guys who want to isolate their girlfriend from her family to control her but,  and it could just be my prejudice against him, me thinking he is too weak to control anyone, but I don't think that was it.  IF it Really was about Jeremy I would just howl with laughter.  Well,  except that it is the excuse not to visit Jess, nothing funny about hurting Jess, but Jeremy is So Much Happier and so thankful to be out of all this!!! And we still love each other like we always did. Let the haters figure that out!! Jeremy had to be shoved out of the nest. 10 years of asking him to go home had no effect.  He is sorry for both of us that he drug it out 10 years. I told him It's ok. I understand.  We both understand Why it was so scary and hard for him to leave. He's even glad to be at a distance from all of these grandkids!! The responsibility of them was just crushing him.  

Ok. I'm stalling now.  I have to figure out the school rides. 

I got the music in me

 I lost all my music when I had the brain bleeds.  I can't hear music in my head any more and couldn't play a single chord on the guitar.  Until tonight.  I was on YouTube and there was a guy playing a guitar and I saw a G chord and then said "I can do that!" I got out my guitar, tuned it, and PLAYED. At 1 am! I had to chop off the fingernails on my left hand and my fingers felt like they were bleeding after a little while but I CAN DO IT!!!!!!

YEA! "They" said I wouldn't get back lost information, that my brain died every where blood touched and the 3 bleeds took chunks of my memory,  the ability to convert short term to long term memory,  and music.  I've been working on the memory issues,  I play mind games to move things to long term memory that work about half the time so far but I haven't really worked to get music back.  I sat at a keyboard one day and after about an hour my hands started playing "Long Long Ago" but I haven't had much time to try again.  I was scared to get out my guitar.  I figured I would just never play again but I just DID. I love it!! Can't believe I wasn't grieving more about losing it but I had just decided to be thankful to just survive an aneurysm and then 3 brain bleeds. I love the tone of the guitar. Love feeling the music vibrate through me.  I have missed this So Much!! 

Riding with Kira to the DMV

 This isn't going as planned. With the musical cars with Jeanette i planned to get my van from her before she went to work but she thought the test was tomorrow and went into work early.  Kira is driving to the DMV to hopefully get used to driving Netts van.  And hating it and bitching all the way. I do admit this is hugely stressful for her,  she really hates when her plans don't work and this is a Big One.  She's telling me I don't care enough about her getting her license which is hilarious! I want her to start driving her car on her own more than I want Anything right now!!! "Teaching" her to drive had been a teeth gritted, knuckles clenched nightmare!!!! Riley will be easier than this has been and he terrified Jenise when she took him driving.  And adding her to my insurance was $270 more a month and could end up higher if she doesn't do well on her 30 day "test drive ". She lowered my score on the test drive,  my insurance is going to go up from that. 

Ok. We're here.  I'm still a little worried about whether or not they're going to let her take the driver's test in a van that's just purchased without tags.

Ok. That's not going to be an issue.  She's about to start 🤞🙏

Oh God! Poor girl! I got out and left it running and she tried to start it,  made a terrible noise and died. I'm sure that rattled her!!!!

SHE PASSED!!! 

Like musical cars

 What a day. I was going to Jeanette's to help with her plants and Jenise was meeting me there to visit.  Jenise's car wasn't there when I pulled up so I thought she'd had to leave early but no,  he car got towed! And the asshole towed it because she was parked behind Jeanette and he wanted to take her new van because she hasn't tagged it yet, she just bought it and was told she had 30 days, but that place is ALWAYS out to get her!! He came back for Jeanette's car but I took it and left the van so he had to leave BUT thank God he didn't notice that my vans tags are expired!!! I didn't really think about it until Jeanette texted me about it.  Poor Jenise had to scrape together $200 to get her car back!! The whole thing just SUCKS. Jeanette put her old tags on my van for tonight.  I can't get tags until Monday but I won't have money for it if it gets impounded!! It feels like my head is going to explode.  

JEANETTE NEEDS TO MOVE.

Cars

 Still worried about the cars everyone bought.  Worried that I approved every one of them and the odds are against all 3 being a "good deal". I still need to have someone look at Jazz's.  I Wish I had thought to roll down the windows and Listen to the tires/brakes! Something is dragging,  i think on the passenger side front? Meezy stopped by yesterday and said he will help what he can but that he's been having money trouble,  which we knew,  but I know he will do what he can.  He is just so impressed that she saved so much so fast!! and he is pleased with her choice.  

Whenever the new cars are road ready I need to retire mine until I can get it fixed.  It desperately needs an oil change, plates!, and maybe the #2 ignition coil?? and it,  and I!, need a break.  Oh,  and probably a new Universal Joint. Some little things that I am lucky haven't turned into big things.  Yet. 

2 more cars in the family

 Did I mention that Jeanette got a new/ used van? I know I didn't write that Kira bought a car.  She got a Hyundai Sonata. It needs little work that we know of, brakes and tires,  and I hope that is all.  I'm really terrified for these girls buying their cars.  Too many times we've had really bad surprises!! The first car I bought Jeremy wasn't a surprise,  i bought it knowing it needed a new transmission. The surprise was that it didn't seem to need anything else 😀. Well,  not that we found out before he totalled it. My van was a surprise transmission repair.  The worst was Steve buying a car without a test drive many years ago and it didn't have a motor in it!! I hope that was the worst.  Jazz is looking at a Rogue, the car I wanted when I bought the van! We always have to worry about the transmissions and sometimes the front end.  

Kira's car is really cute,  it looks good on her! and is a blue color that probably pisses off the aliens but it matches her eyes.   My favorite used car was a Hyundai.  I worry a LOT about her wrecking it! but that will or won't happen.  Kira worries way to much about her music playing for a new driver.  

Oh and Dave lost his car.  He has been driving it with expired plates almost since he got it.  The title burned with their home and I did tell him to apply for a replacement title but he is a king of procrastination like most drug addicts.  He said he didn't know how he would get it out of impound and I said,  Well, you won't.  By the time he could get a title the impound fee would be way more than the car is worth.  I was just telling him he was going to have to move out and move on when this happened and I still am going to have to.  He won't do anything until he absolutely has to and maybe not even then.  Jami talks about how Dave hasn't done anything he said he would but neither has she.  Similar problems.  A lot of the pot calling the kettle black there. Jami just has an advantage over him because she is my daughter.  I told her she is going to have to move in my room with me and Dave has to leave so I can move Jeanette in.  I don't think She believes it?? Both of them,  if I say anything like that,  do/ say what they think will stop it.  Dave will mow the lawn.  He once gave me $70. Both will talk about the money they are "about to make".  But they have just sat down there while I have sunk into this debt hole.  I'm $5,000 in the hole Today and it's just getting worse.  

And OH OH OH!! Yesterday I thought I was going to have a heart attack!! I went out back and noticed that my 6 little lilac trees were all ripped out of the ground!!! It LOOKED intentional but I'm 99% sure that it wasn't.  Just a very stoned,  careless,  person,  probably Dave?? He and Jami were both working in the yard.  Jami was tending her little watermelon bed and Dave was mowing and weedeating. (Jami says he actually told her that he hoped I was noticing how helpful he is!!) If it was still blazing hot the lilac would all be dead.  As it is there is a chance that a couple of them will survive.  I carefully replanted them all using aged manure and humus and maybe that will save some of them. I have been super excited about finding them in the alley behind Zestos with Jenise last spring and getting 6 of them to transplant! I was sure we would have lilac sweetening the Air next spring. I couldn't wait for Jeanette to see/smell them!! Every spring since the farm I have searched for them and picked bouquets for her. And for me! Lilac sell for   at least $30 each for starter trees/bushes so I figured out how to get some going for free. 

SIGH.

 I'm looking at a new knee repair idea. I don't know much about it,  maybe it if only be too me,  but I am supposed to talk to them tomorrow.  It looks like coating the jagged bones with plastic? Which,  if it is,  then you wonder about the plastics leaching into the body BUT I'm not looking for a long term plan,  just enough to not be helpless or miserable for my last few years.  

Jeremy

 In really glad he fully admits that he is happier and would never want to move back here. He gets that it was always what was best for him the whole 10 years i was telling him he should GO Home. I used the whole mess to finally accomplish that and he even gets that.  He was scared to go,  afraid of change,  even tho he was absolutely miserable here.  He never missed a chance to say how much he hated Nebraska the whole time he was here. He always said Texas was where his heart was but I don't really think it was/is. It was just what he Knew.  No, Missouri with Scott on his farm isn't where he really wants to be either! but it's better than here and he plans to move on to Oklahoma ASAP. He has a 2 bed 1 bath apartment lined up through the Cherokee Nation for $300 a month which leaves enough for Katana and him to live pretty well.  Plus he has been doing some work under the table and will probably keep doing some of that.  Jeremy misses the kids but absolutely doesn't miss having any responsibility for them and you can't blame him for that!

ROOT

 This insurance sucks.  There is a 30 day "test drive" where everything is monitored and I cant touch my phone even at red lights or at all when the girls are driving. Kira and I both hit a curb yesterday so my score so far is 8 out of 10. I'm going to have to find a different insurance company. 

Jess Perioral Dermatitis

 I finally got Jess to see a doctor about her rash.  Still no medicaid,  but i got her into Charles Drew,  no copay first visit,  then it will be $30, probably the best deal I can find for her right now.  I'm not sure if county help still exists or if it would even help her.  It's an oddball diagnosis,  meaning no one is sure what causes it OR how to treat it.  It looks like they have only decided what to call it.  The main recommended antibiotic online is Tetracycline,  at least not something we have tried although Doxycycline is a derivative of it.  I just hope it works.  The med was about $50 - something is not getting paid!! but I HAD to do this!! She has been miserable and it has just gone on for too long!!

Pray this works.  Jeanette and I are pretty much all Jess has to help her.  Meezy will help with the money but I truly hate asking him to help her.  I do hate that Jess might just learn that doctors don't nearly have all of the answers.  I remember how frightening that was to realize for me and then for Jeanette.   

In the Hole

 I don't know how to dig out of this mess. 

$1,050 house INS by September

$1,400 house tax due July

$2,000 owe Kira Cheer

   $170 tags NOW

   $500 to  $5,000 to fix the van

$2,500 INS due next April

And supporting a house of six on Social Security!!

Riding with Jazz

 I do a lot of this.  Jazz has been driving us all the way out to get Jeanette most nights.  When I'm in bad shape I just think

All I have to do is drive to Runza, Jazz will do the rest

and it is getting us thru this 

Sunday night

 Philip's car was repossessed so Jenise has to get her car back from Jeanette so here we go - lots of driving and hoping the van holds up and i don't get pulled over for the tags again.  I can't see how to get out of this hole!! 

My car insurance just tripled from the girls' permits. I'm drowning. 

Kira's truth

 When Kira says things like that she lives the most deprived life, we are the poorest family, i react Wrongly. I think those things are Her reality,  whether they are an actuality or not. I react defensively when I try to point out that there Are definitely more deprived people instead of looking at Her current vision of Her world.  Especially since we let her go to Burk and definitely since we let her go into cheer.  At the time it seemed like the best thing for her.  It might really have been the best thing for her.  Even Jessalynn didn't think Kira would do well at North. She just shrank away at McMillan.  So,  yea,  she became a Burk cheerleader.  I don't think i thought about how much of this family really don't like cheerleaders!! Way more likely to think of comedies about them and stereotypes that are,  to most of the family,  and maybe in general,  spot on. How else do they become stereotypes?? I don't know.  But Jeremy and I made this happen for her when we weren't really able to afford it.  We robbed Peter to pay Paul, (I think meaning the rest of the family did without) and used windfalls to get her to this point. Then this year I can't afford it.  How much does that effect the way Kira respects and how she treats me? Maybe more than I have realized?? Kira acts spoiled and entitled. But we let her join a group that is notorious for those things.  I'm pretty sure that we somehow thought she would KNOW we went way out of our league to do it,  but that was asking too much of her. Wasn't it?? That would explain the way things are now.  But it becomes like looking at conspiracy theories that might be true. It like Trump's presidency.  Feeling helpless to do anything about it.  Maybe i can't.  But I can try harder to understand it. "What you understand you command". No. That quote is not always true.  But it's close to the truth,  thank you, Kriss. If I Could only figure out how to talk to Kira... I know I am sucking at this.  It is so much harder than talking to other kids.  

I can't help but compare Jami's daughters. Everyone does,  even Jami. They do seem to have a lot in common for kids that mostly did not grow up together. It sparks a lot of conversation about Nature vs Nurure. But maybe i put more than I should into this pigeon hole with Kira.  I wonder that about Lindsey,  too. Looking at Kira and Joey I think that Lindsey could have turned or exactly like she did if Mikey and Jami hadn't done what they did with her. The drug life, not going to elementary school. But that just feels like a Huge reach!! Of course those years negatively changed her!! But, did they change the outcome?? Did Jeremy,  Jess, and I change Kira's?? Is she difficult because of the cheer culture we let her in or would it be like this,  or worse!, without it?? I don't know the answer to this about Lindsey or Kira.  I will discuss how Jami's girls are alike while being angry at Jami,  Mikey,  and John for the things that happened to Lindsey after they took her from Steve and me.  And there were some really bad things! the grief over it is not misplaced.  But how much did it have to do with who she is now?? I don't think I can fully  judge that.  And I don't think i really even considered it until this morning.  

I will work on this if I remember. 

Gabriella

 How cruel all around to fall in love so close to the end!! And she loves me,  too. Twice now I have been chosen,  both in the twilight of my life!! What the hell!! Obi, I was 100% sure that she would outlive me!! I worried about her pain because,  besides Kirk, she only loved me,  and somehow I outlived him,  too. And I was sure I would drop dead from the pain losing Obi! But I survived,  and now I have my Gabriella.  My sweet Gabby. At least she Will love another,  I don't believe I'm exclusive with her, God, I hope not!! And sad as I am too have her so late in life she brings me such pure Joy!! Nothing confusing,  no doubts, no mixed feelings to sort. I love her dearly and she Loves Me!! Nothing else is as pure and clear in this world.  Thank you God!! 

BRIDGERTON

 OMG there's going to be a season 4!!!!

4th of July

 We missed going to Ralston again. Besides the funk I was in, no one in the house wanted to go.  Jeanette,  Jenise,  and Phillip would have gone with me,  but also it still felt sad. Jeremy has always been a big part of it and,  even more, I remember So Much Kirk loving the Family Day.  But Jess had told me there were several firework shows around. scheduled for today, and one of them was at Eagle Run, near Jeanette.  Rob was supposed to show up and take Riley out to see fireworks but he bailed on him (drinking again/still??) and when Nett called me about that I told her about Eagle Run and we made some fast plans.  Crap.  I already don't remember exactly what those plans were!!! I think just Dave went with me? Maybe Dave and Jami?? I drove to Jeanette's and she followed me,  or maybe I followed her?? whatever,  we followed others and then found a really good viewing place between two big, nice,  houses in a cul-de-sac and watched the fireworks together.  So. We,  a tiny bit of family,  celebrated the 4th together.  🤎

Trump, Diddy, OJ, Oran

I just spent hours outside working in the yard. I was digging and digging until I guess I had a blister in the middle of my hand and I just kept working till I busted it and made it bleed over and over and I couldn't stop. I'm so f****** depressed. I look around. Donald Trump is President and he's a bad man. OJ Simpson killed his wife and we found him innocent. Diddy, he is a bad man and he got away with it. I don't understand. I don't understand the world we live in and sometimes I think I don't want to understand if that's what I've got to understand. And I feel like I tried so hard to be a good person yet I have more people who hate and despise me than love me. I don't understand the world. I don't understand how it works. I don't know why it's the way it is or what it's supposed to mean. I'm a mess I think Diddy just set it off for me

I left out Oran Skaw. He was running through my head the whole time I was working, too. Another bad man who got away with it. Hurt my girls and tore my family apart. Got away with it.  What is wrong with this world?

I don't much want to be a part of it any more.  I can't play.  I don't understand the rules.  

Kira driving me crazy

 I've taught a lot of kids to drive and Never had problems like I have with Kira.  I spoke to her today about why she really needs to take drivers ed from an instructor, a stranger. She should be way ahead of where she is driving!! I'm afraid it is just our bad relationship. Mostly since Jeremy left but really there has been something Bad there for a While.  It just all makes me very,  very,  sad. 

I admire and am proud of so much in Kira!! She has good morals, really cares about Being Right, and,  right or wrong, she is not afraid to take a stand fit what she believes.  She works very hard at the things she wants to accomplish like how she will go over her cheer routines over and over to get them perfect.  There is so much good in her!! But there is darkness and confusion in her,  too. Her foul mouth makes your ears bleed and it has become her language when happy, sad, excited, or angry. Every emotion is expressed wrapped in language that would make a sailor look like the pope. I believe that comes from someplace Dark. And it is frightening that there is a similarity in all of Jami's children that I know of that is hateful, entitled, and without empathy. I think Joey might be different in this, the empathy, but Lindsey and Kira don't seem to be able to Know what animals and children want and need. Kira has shown some desire to learn how to know if an animal is happy but it has been a very long road and a lot of damaged pets to get her to that point.  I KNOW this is not a good sign. Today Jeremy and I were talking about how Kira would sit and rock for HOURS for YEARS growing up.  How we would point it out to DHHS and CPS and they would just blow us off. Did That turn into this??  Did not acknowledging that this was a problem turn into the problems she has now??? I would send her to Jeremy if he knew any more than me about how to help her but he says he is just lost, too.

We can't lose her!! But how to reach her????

I do hear that feeling Entitled is common in her generation.  What will happen to the kids with that issue?? Will life just some day just slap them in the face with the reality that NO One "deserves " anything? If that theory only in religion?? But even if it is, religions are of tour world . Maybe some will get everything they feel entitled to and they will just feel like they were right,  that they WERE owed by the world.  Would that even be a Good Thing?? I don't think isee that for Kira. Maybe for some kids born into rich families who just give them everything they want all of their lives.  I don't I would even want that life.  It would be hollow. Devoid if the amazing feeling that you Accomplished something.  How truly awful! So,  then a Rude Awakening for all the other kids. Like Kira.  She anyway f eels so Ripped Off coming from a family that has to work for everything.  She says she is the Only Kid She Knows who has to work and buy their own car. I believe she means that.  How much does that feed into her resentment?? She bemoans that

Nett's birthday party

 ...somehow went off beautifully. Jeanette was 3 hours late, I wondered if that was a record for her and everyone said no but no one could name later time.  I was scared of it being a disaster mostly because Jess had been preparing for the day for over a week and started prepping 3 days before.  The only thing wrong with the meal was the potato salad,  my big contribution! but no one could figure out exactly what was wrong with it.  Today it hit me  - I didn't remember adding the boiled eggs because I didn't! 🫤 Jess made 2 cakes, the German Chocolate one Jeanette requested and then one of her fancy masterpieces and they were both fantastic.  There was no friction or conflict, just Family together ❤️.  Jenise and Phillip came early and helped set up.  

OMG we were sitting on the deck taking a break and Phillip said,  "Grandma, don't panic or move" and I just froze.  He knows better than anyone how terrified I am of wasps after last summer and he saw one land on my leg and then onto the cigarette in my mouth.  My eyes must have been huge when I saw it!!! "Phillip said,  "Now just drop it" and I opened my lips and let the cigarette fall and the little asshole flew off.  I said how they didn't seem to know me,  recognize me, any more and Phillip smugly said,  "That's because I killed all of those!" and he can be smug all he wants because that's so true!!

Back to the party.  It was all I could hope for for Jeanette and for Jess. For all of us. A truly Great Day. 😆💓❤️💞💕💗💕💕❤️❣️