Dang it

 I've been trying to time the sun where I have framed and dug my garden and I'm afraid it might only get 5 hours of full sun!!! I'll check me closely tomorrow but it is just too late and too much work to start over.  I'm a little proud of the whole Did It All By Myself thing but if anyone checked it with a T-square and level it wouldn't rate very high!! BUT getting everything (or anything!) exact using reclaimed wood of all shapes and sizes would have been a hellofa job!! I could have redone things until I got it exact but,  well, I'm not! Actually,  I DON'T think I could.  I intended to make the bed at least 8 inches high before I started planting but it can't wait any longer.  Hopefully I can add to it after it's planted?? I have 56 square feet framed with about a 4 × 3 space at the north end for corn with beans and peas climbing it.  I don't know what to do with the asparagus yet,  the space for corn might be the best place? Or I can start it in a crate and dig a separate garden for it after I plant the 56 sq feet???? We can't harvest the asparagus for at least 2 years. The strawberries, whatever survives,  won't really produce for at least a year either. 

Dave is mowing, dandelion seeds flying everywhere,  I wish we had done it before they all went to seed!!! Oh well. At least they are nutritious,  Jenise, you will never die of starvation here if the grid goes down etc!!

It's dark.  I worked in the SE corner of the yard until I couldn't see what I was doing and then I came on the deck and potted my beautiful Mother's Day flowers Kira gave me.  😃😃😃🥰😍❤️❤️ Maybe she doesn't Hate me completely??? I am hopeful.  Maybe too hopefull but it feels good for now.  

Now maybe a shower. Besides sweating in the garden all day I stupidly walked by Dave mowing on the wrong side and am covered in dandelion seeds and grass clippings and whatever else the lawnmower was throwing at me.  I think I felt a few rocks 🤔.

Lull after the storm

 Ok.  Jeanette is alive.  Everyone got whey they needed to go (although Jazz was pissed she was 5 minutes late to work) and we are all alive.  Last night I Jeremy was asking about Nett and I told him I was afraid of outliving her, or any of them! and I really am afraid Jeanette is going to lose this battle.  Please God No! But,  what did die during the last 2 days are most of my seedlings.  They were at a critical stage of repot or plant or die. They are mostly dead today 😑 but they are replaceable.  I just don't know if I have time to start seeds again,  I might have to break down and buy seedlings.  I hoped the bare root strawberries were the only plant stays I'd have to buy this year.  Oh well.  Always an emergency several times a year within the family.  I have my doubts about how much more I can physically do,  too. The left side of my body seems to be really messed up.  Then there will be the weather to contend with.  Oh and something I hadn't even considered.  The neighbor on the east side,  where my garden is,  is an avid ornamental plant grower,  she might even be selling them like I was in Texas,  and she uses chemicals for weed control and likely for fertilizer,  too. She is super sweet,  we talk energy we are both out back,  and she said she wouldn't plant anything tall on her side that might shake my vegetables.  I told her not to worry but she insisted it if fine.  I am not about to complain about the chemicals.  I have been googling the problem.  It said what I expected,  put up a barrier and leave a gap between our gardens. Oh amc how I've already cultivated that first 2 feet of soil! Google doesn't say how wide the gap needs to be,  I maybe should start completely over.  Damn I should have thought about this!! I saw that she had a garden yard, I just never considered that people use poisons instead of saving the planet except big government farmer!! My Bad. 

Jeanette in the hospital again!

 Something went wrong with her hysterectomy,  they think because of the connective tissue disorder,  and she is in Lakeside Hospital again 😭. I'm picking up Jazz from work,  I got here too early,  but I want to go to Jeanette.  I'm worried.  She just has too much go WRONG! I don't believe I would survive without Jeanette!!!  

And I'm supposed to be worried that people don't like/agree with thing I write in my journal.  I'm building and digging a big garden for the family,  almost ended up in the hospital myself today from severe dehydration working out in the full sun every day, driving 600 miles a week just ruining the kids around, and that was supposed to matter? What is the matter with people? If they don't want to love me they don't have to.  I am not ashamed of who I am.  I'm not always right but I have the best intentions for my own.  What else do they think I should be?

I see I wrote about the dehydration earlier, silly me! and that's why we are told not to depend on Dr Google - we scare ourselves with diabetes and Kidney failure search results when we just need a drink of water!!!!

Uh oh

 I might be sick,  like something really wrong! My mouth has been super dry for several days no matter how much I drank and now I haven't been able to pee since early yesterday.  I really noticed the morning because I ALWAYS have to pee when I wake up. 

My spelling has looked really bad because I have been using the slide texting because of my arthritis. I've been going back and correcting this entry,  had to fix six mistakes already.  

Bubble Wrap Jenise

I do wish I could just bubbly wrap her so no one can ever hurt her.  Sara is flipping out on Jenise over Sammy,  the guinea pig Sara gave her that died last week.  Blaming Jenise, making her cry,  pissing me off.  I know Sara is just over the top because she's had a few too many deaths lately but picking on Jenise,  especially while she is pregnant,  is inexcusable.  

Hopefully this blows over soon. 

Pfft! What drama!!

 I read through a lot of this all the way back to the beginning.  Why did my typing get so very progressively worse thru the years??! Probably because I use the slide texting Nett taught me years ago.  

Oh what pitiful misery to read thru the breakup with Jeremy! But time (and a lot of venting in a journal!) really does does heal almost everything! (except losing Herbert. NOTHING makes that pain better😭) 

I am So OK. I built and dug my garden, planting it now,  and it is a beautiful day.  

I was up all night texting with Jeremy.  Funny I hate him the least of all the people who decided our break up was their business.  Maybe they learned when it's time to go home?? Not my problem now.  He's staying at his brother's and bewildered that he is the Calm one in his brother's house! He is finding that I was correct that his family would feel less able to be constantly correcting his behavior. He's the best of the lot!! I don't mind helping him right now,  it's what I've been doing for years but with him There I don't have to really deal with his Growing Pains.  He was asking about himself as a father figure,  why did I say he was good until the kids got old enough to talk back.  I sent him the Ukranian artwork entry in here I titled "Jeremy The Father" and he liked it.  Was pleasantly surprised that I had saved and dedicated that to him a year ago. (He never snooped in my journals over our 22 years.) Yes,  he has some choices of decency that half of my family can't even comprehend.  But again, it is a beautiful day. 

Jessica day 10 COVID

 Very sad that Jess still tested positive today.  I believe she has been the sickest by far but still hoped she was clear.

Jeremy still tests positive. He says he has had no symptoms but I don't believe him. One, he had that seizure Day 1. 

Crap. I accidentally moved this.  This was obviously from the COVID pandemic. 

Jenise Saturday🧡Jeanette Today

 Lucky me❣️❣️❣️ Jenise came Saturday and I got her a chair to set her pregnant butt down by my garden so she could visit with me while I finished turning it,  *and I did finish!" And then we snuck off to Blue for sushi again.  Then this afternoon Jeanette came for a visit. I've been kinda sick so I couldn't get back out in my garden since Saturday so the company was awesome.  I love the ways Jeanette has grown.  It feels like we have trade places most of the time now - she is the one teaching me and I am thrilled.  I used to always say I didn't just want my kids to learn what I knew but to always strive to go beyond.  That that was human evolution.  She is proof of that.  Not that children have to surpass you to teach you.  Once I was showing a prism to a small boy,  asking him what he saw in it so I could then explain how it worked and formed the colors.  I set it in the light and asked him what he saw and he said "I see the world". My lesson froze in my mouth and I asked him what he meant and he said "Just look! There's you,  and me,  and everything in this room and everything out the patio door" and sure enough,  the world was reflected in that prism!! Lesson over. Lately Jeanette is showing me everything in the prism. 

22 years

Jeanette says my life has run in 22 year cycles of punishment.  In that I had 2 22 year marriages. I know that anyone who had been in a relationship that long knows that there will be many problems and disagreements to overcome and that you will both go through times of loving each other so much that it hurts and times that you hate each other so much that it hurts.  You just grow with and from these times and it's a victory every time you come through both loving each other again.  This can happen in both good and toxic marriages.  But,  good relationships can end with deep love and toxic relationships will often end in tragedy.  This is from not just mine but watching family and friends navigate relationships for the 60 + years. I have been paying attention since watching my mother's first marriage to my father. That one had to end with his death.  I'm not sure how it would have ended had be lived.  He was Abusing the 3 children and she knew and was turning a blind eye but that probably would have gone toxic.  It sure was for the 3 children! From there I went into several relationships starting at 14 years old that all ended toxic. At 20 years old I married Steven.  It was a fairy tale marriage for the first years that started going toxic when we found out that our church elder was raping our daughters. Therapists told us that very few marriages survive such a thing. We tried like hell.    We stuck it out for 7 years longer than we should have,  the toxicity was off the charts by then. I went straight from there into the relationship with Jeremy.  I never intended for it to end up being a "relationship". He was 22 years younger than me  and just wrong in so many ways but then Mom died begging me to stay safe with Jeremy,  "He will never leave you!" such prophetic words from a dying women whose O2 level was 60!!!! She did it because she knew that I had no one at the time but Jeremy and my brother Mike and she didn't trust Mike! So Jeremy and I built a life together in Texas.  He built me a teepee when I mentioned that I would like to have one and he dug a huge pound for Mom's water lilies and Koi that I also promised to take care of.  It was the Best time of my life.  Jami and Jess came for my mother's funeral and didn't say a single word to me.  Acted like I didn't exist. Jeremy set up a dart board and gave me a blow dart gun.  He put my family's names on the target and told me to shoot at them.  His method of therapy.  It actually helped.  🙃 We had a phone and somehow Jami started calling.  Then Jeanette.  Like nothing happened.  All friendly.  I just accepted it even though it pissed Jeremy off. I didn't need explanations or apologies,  wouldn't have got them if I had wanted them,  that's not how any of them work.  I just wanted my family back in some way. Then Jess started calling,  too. We went to visit when Jenise was born,  had to see her!! and saw enough of my daughters that I didn't want to return to Nebraska.  Then a year or so later Jami called saying she was pregnant,  in labor,  sitting in a bathtub,  freaking out because she was on drugs.  I begged Jeremy to stay in Texas,  but he insisted on coming with so we took a train to Omaha.  Got stranded here.  Found out Mikey was strung out,  too, and their house was a filthy pit. They lost the kids.  We worked with Mikey's parents to clean the house to get the kids back and Pat took us in.  Out of the fire into the frying pan.  His house was even filthier so we cleaned it, too. Picked up Huge piles of dog poop in varying stages of decomposition.  Pat said he didn't pick them up until the were dried out and hard and Jess wouldn't pick them up at all.  This was with 2 huskies living in the house for years.  My SSI came thru and we found a house,  took Jess and Jlynn with us and moved. 

This belongs in a different section of this,  doesn't it? I'll move it if/ when I finish it. 

Wait,  I was on the 22 year thing.  So,  by Jeanette's theory,  what is Now?? I won't last another 22 years. Life is pretty darn good.  I wish we had a little more money,  and we could if I could move Jeanette in.  Will hopefully be able to do that soon? But life Is Good right not.  Still sad about the break in the family but really that if just Jessalynn now and that sadly is mostly hard on Jess. If it weren't hot she feels I wouldn't care to much any more.  I have plenty.  I feel rich when Jeanette is around.  Really rich.  Jenise,  too, they give me that cup runneth over feeling.  It doesn't sound like another 22 years of punishment.  ?? I'm even in a good place with Jeremy.  I just needed him to Know he really could survive, thrive,  and be happier with his own family.  I wasn't going to stress over him a lot more but it is good to know he is OK. (Maybe I was his punishment,  too.!) Whatever,  I don't believe in Happily Ever After. Death will cut that shirt if nothing else! But maybe Peace. I'll take that. 

Thank you Lindsey 💕💕💕

 I tried to Google my name looking for my blog.  No luck. Then Dave finally explained that Lindsey somehow found this site and sent it to almost everyone we know. You know,  I'd write this,  usually things I wish people knew,  didn't get to say to them,  didn't think anyone would ever care to read this (except maybe Jenise, Jeanette and Jami after I am dead). I was just blowing off steam sometimes like therapists tell people to do to get over things.  But Lindsey made that dream come true.  In so many great and hilarious ways. I might not remember everything any more,  might be dealing with inaccurate information,  but I have never written Anything I didn't believe to be true at the time (Who lies in a journal???) and nothing that I wouldn't say to someone's face but never thought I would get to.  So, sincerely Lindsey, THANK YOU. And I do love you very much.  You are one of the very few people that I am estranged from that I truly miss. You are about the only one who I don't blame for a thing. The only one with full right to be upset with your mother (although I wonder that none of that is directed at the enabler of your childhood situation). I love you. Always will.

Who hears Grandma's sex life

 Jeremy tried for years to find someone to bitch about me to.  He was shot down by Jami, Kirk, Jess, Dave and Jeanette, who spit in his face. Especially when he tried to talk about our sex life, none of them wanted to hear about their mother, grandmother, or mother-in-law's sex life or lack thereof until he found Jessalynn and Brandon to listen and sympathize. The flip side of this is that I also went from having sex all the time to zero. I would have loved to find a good boyfriend, husband etc but he wouldn't physically leave and free me and, bitch that I am,  I'm not like that.  And we are talking 10 years ago.  I had Lots of offers. 2 men who had been after me for all my life who were then millionaires.  Not that I ever considered money when choosing a partner,  example 2 past husbands and Jeremy (legally  my husband in Texas). Those 2 suitors died last year, and I'm dying now so it's really not fair to start with anyone. But it would have been really nice to have a good man to grow old with.  Jeremy inadvertently stole that from me,  too.   I let him steal it by not having whatever it took to force him to leave. 

Wait,  I gotta add somewhere,  yes,  I always said Jeremy was excusable because of his disabilities,  but I realized that is total bullshit.  We'll,  mostly bullshit. I finally realized that he definitely was capable of controlling his worst issues. Brandon made that plain as day - if Jeremy could always "behave " when Brandon was around,  sometimes for Long Days! and Jeremy never lost it. The house breathed sigh of relief when Brandon was coming because we all knew we would get a break from the Anger, yelling, and just plain meanness.  How did someone unable to control himself do that?? And with the kids, and yes, there were a lot of them, and they could be a handful! but he NEVER has lost his temper with his favorite,  Jasmine. He could be mad as hell about something a child did, cussing and making threats, and if he found out the culprit was Jasmine he cooled down immediately.  How was he able to do that?? It's like him saying he couldn't read studying for his CNA so I read his text book to him for weeks, until I had laryngitis and couldn't,  and he said,  "OK, give me the book,  I'll read it". Playing me.  Like he played everyone.  He supposedly hated being reminded that he was disabled but he sure did use it to his advantage whenever and however he could.  But it took until Brandon,  that huge, stark, difference in him,  THAT finally made it clear as day. His survival technique is his pity parties and he gets away with it mostly by his act that he doesn't want anyone to know about his epilepsy etc., so everyone pitied him all the more until he HAS SOMEONE SUPPORTING HIM FOR 22 YEARS. I was a moron to not get it sooner but not as big of a Moron as the ones still dancing at his pity party.  And I do even now still love Jeremy. Even have some admration for the brilliance of his game and gratitude, peace, that I know he will be OK.

No, Jessalynn

I'm sorry you maybe misunderstood things right from the start.  When I said Brandon's name,  I told you both right away,  I wasn't inviting Brandon to get involved.   I didn't even need for him to wake from his good dream.  I just needed to say the name and remind Jeremy that Brandon was in the house so he would turn into Brandon/ Jeremy.  I didn't then or ever invite you two into my relationship or breakup.  It would have been real decent of you guys if you if you had left when you realized what was going on.  It was none of your business and neither is my journal. If I could have "drug" you anywhere I would have drug you out of My Breakup in My House. Jami saw this on a phone I loaned her and asked if it was ok that she read it and I said Yes, but that it was the good, bad, and ugly.  She. Asked. I started writing on this site during the MRSA epidemic until I was invited to write for a big MRSA campaign.  My followers followed me there except a few stragglers who commented on this a few times.  I think that all stopped by 2014. So this became where I worked things out and let off steam.  I understand that you felt free to read it since it was still on a Public format and that you have zero respect for any of my boundaries.  Maybe it's your generation? I do love you Jessalynn.  I wonder if you read it all or just skimmed thru looking for your own names?? I suspect the latter. Maybe you would have seen how very much I adored Jeremy. You guys have been together a minute so I get it. 

After 22 years you go thru times when you deeply love and times you hate the guts of your partner.  Hopefully you make up and grow each time  but sometimes it becomes unhealthy to continue.  Lots of people just fear Change, like Jeremy.  I've known and told him for years that this was over and he should go and be happy.  He had to be forced.  But we are both happier now.  That's all that should matter.  I can see you guys being offended if you read the journals of everyone you know.  That's why we aren't supposed to do it.  What's that saying? Something about eavesdroppers never hearing anything good about themselves?? I wrote a lot more about loving Jeremy than about hating him.  Did you go back and read when this started on that nightmare Christmas, too?? 

It's therapy to write.  Helps kept your head uncluttered and work things out.  I don't know how you stumbled across this but it is Mine. I tell it like I see it here.  You guys need to just watch the moats in your own eyes. Leave the speck in mine alone.  I'm pretty sure you have better things to do. 

PS: I'm not nice to people who I think are bad for my family and I want them to leave.  I'm pretty damn nice to others. Give them rides to work and never ask for gas money. Lose $7,000 for helping them. I treat people in general disgustingly like that. 

How do you treat people?

God, I see your smug faces saying "Really good"! The holier than thou thing, I hope you get over it. Maybe someday you will wonder if you weren't perfect in all of this.  I seriously doubt it.

I am sorry for the name calling,  Jessalynn.  I know it was childish,  I was lashing out like I do when hurt just wanting to hurt you back.  Stupid, too. If throwing you out didn't hurt nothing would.  Pretty sure I was still wounded the worst but,  it definitely took a minute! but I got over it.  For a minute I though you had, too, especially for your mother's sake! but I never thought Brandon did. He's not nearly as good an actor.  

A few old posts that nosy people missed

 My Jeremy: from My  2021 Journal titled "Jeremy"

What I already wrote here wasn't really about Jeremy. My tendancy to waunder and ramble leads me astray.  

Jeremy is both a very simple and a very complicated person. 

First, Who He Is was altered by brain damage as a child. He had a head injury, possibly two head injuries, that damaged his right frontal lobe causing epilepsy. Then there had likely been more damage from the grand mall seizures. On top of that, his mother did drugs including LSD during pregnancy and he was severely abused growing up. 

Jeremy, the Basic Person he is, is a beautiful soul. That was all my mother saw when she looked at him. When she chose him for me. Sadly you don't see it very often any more, but Jeremy's eyes are honest and full of heart. My family have pretty much beat that out of him for the last 19 years but I can still see it. That is terrible. From Jami and Mikey throwing him out while I was in the hospital, making him cry telling him he Wasn't Family to Jeanette spitting in his face to Jess and Jessalynn demanding I throw him out, he has been thoroughly abused by us. I've always been in the middle of this and too often protecting my daughters instead of him. 

Mom said he had true Loyalty and would take care of me forever. My promise to stay with him let her die in peace. 

Could she have possibly Known?? 

Jeremy has been so beaten down by us that I can barely see the man my mom left me with. But he is still Here. 

Jeremy was the Only person in my life when we met and for more than the first year. We were deliriously happy most of the time. Every day was bright and shiny. An adventure. And we weren't living "easy". We were mostly broke living in either a broke down trailer or in a teepee Jeremy built on Barefoot's land. We collected junk and sold it along with houseplants I started and Jeremy dealt a little weed and sometimes he sold plasma for money. Life was very simple. Jeremy was like a genie in a bottle doing everything to grant my every wish. I took care of things like figuring out how to get the medication we needed, free medical care, and keeping up with anything legal and I did most of the cooking and cleaning although he helped with everything I did and he took care of Everything Else. I said I would love to live in a teepee and the next day he made an amazing one out of long metal rods and painter's canvas he found. I wished I had a pond for Mom's koi and he found a pond liner and dug once for me. Everything felt magical. 

I was depressed and suicidal when we met. My entire family had cast me out after my 22 year marriage ended except for Mom. She was the only reason I was still alive when I met Jeremy and I had no intention of surviving her. 

My brother had me committed not long after I got to Houston. My mother said it was because of his long vendetta against me for suggesting his wife should take the kids and run when he was strung out on meth years and years ago. And she said it was also part of a plan to be sure I didn't inherit the 2 million dollar lawsuit she expected to collect from Dow Corning. Whatever. In Harris County Psyche I befriended a woman named Stacy. She had perfectly sculpted eyebrows and we were locked in a psych ward with all our belongings taken away. I knew she had tweezers!! We were both on a 10 day hold and we ruled the ward together after teaming up. 

Several of us agreed to meet when we got out. We were all homeless planning to be each other's support system. Stacy got out first and I went to our meeting place, Smiley Inn, when I got out. When she walked in with Jeremy I had the feeling of Destiny that I never experience anymore although I had no clue of what we would Be. A few of the others joined us but it narrowed down to Jeremy, Stacy and me and then just him and me. 

Jeremy was very young. 27? and in many ways he was even younger for his age. It was like no one had raised him to survive in this world beyond being a teenager, and pretty much no one had.

Quickly, Jeremy had one positive influence in his life, his Nana, his father's mother. His father died in a traumatic car crash with Jeremy in the car when he was 4. He lived with his mother and who ever she was with until he was 12 and then she moved to Oklahoma leaving him with her last boyfriend, who called himself Barefoot, an abusive small time drug dealer. Jeremy stayed with Barefoot until shortly before I met him when Barefoot threw him out. 

Jeremy had a big windfall inheriting $30,000 from his Nana when he turned 18. Barefoot and his mother talked him out of a few big chunks of it that he never saw again. 

Jeremy actually got his diploma from Sam Rayburn High School and was offered social security disability that he turned down. He lives as much as possible in denial of his epilepsy. The stigma of it left him deeply scarred. Even now, he hates for anyone to know that he is epileptic and refuses to acknowledge any limitations he has from it. 

I'm sure Barefoot made this worse. He referred to Jeremy by a slur nickname I won't dignify by naming here and he beat him severely until Jeremy beat him. I know he used to put Jeremy in a trash can for punishment so its easy to assume how degrading Barefoot was for him.

It really makes me sick to write that knowing that my girls have treated him even worse the last 20 years!!

When I decided that I had to return to Omaha and be Mom and Grandma again I begged Jeremy to let me go alone. I knew that I would no longer be able to be the person I had been with him. I knew that my daughters would probably be unwilling to accept him with me. I told him this over and over but he still wanted to come to Nebraska.  Even i never dreamed how badly he would be received. 

____________________________________________

Jessalynn strikes: from 2021 journal "MY GRANDCHILDREN: 

____________________________________________

This one hurts the most. Easy Why. The one I believed loved me most. The one I put the most into. 

The one who finds me, personally, disgusting.

She said it is because of how I treat Jeremy. Her mother is almost always mean to him and she went to stay with Jeanette who has literally spit in his face. Plus she ragged on me to throw him out for Months and talked of nothing but how much she hates him.

The girls I called The Apple of My Eye, and then my Unicorn, who I would have given my life for. Says. I'M. DISGUSTING.

I knew she was mean. Overlooked it time after time. She would laugh at people I pitied. She never forgave a slight. But I always thought she was better than she was. She cried over TV shows!! I just knew there was real Heart there just hidden by Youth. 

I was wrong.What happened with Jessalynn Christmas was caused by an old problem caused by a mistake I seem to make over and over. Or maybe it's just the way it is because I'm so flawed. My grandchildren, one of my children, have No Respect for me. Maybe I don't think about it enough? I don't seem to realize that someone doesn't  respects me until it slaps me in the face. It has to be my fault. I assume that people respect me because I see myself as someone who Should Have the respect of people. I manage to take care of my family no matter how little I have to do it. I have good morals that I base my life on and try to teach others. 

But I must be just totally missing something. 

I think back over my relationship with Jessalynn and see now that she has never really Treated me with respect. We have spent a lot of time together. I have been the person she turned to for advice and help or just the one she called if she was sad or sick. But I have allowed a large measure of closeness that you wouldn't expect in a Grandmother especially as she's gotten older. I kept thinking that this is a Good Way to be with children even though it never works. Jessalynn has always felt comfortable to treat me with disrespect. Jessalynn's text, "I thought we would discuss this maturely but" or some such crap that would never be said to an adult who had respect. I think I teach them manners but Jessalynn didn't have the basic courtesy to not call her host "disgusting" while in her home.

Back it up. One huge thing about what happened was the hypocrisy. Months she spent berating me for Not throwing Jeremy out of the house and I not only let her do it, I took up for Jeremy but also apologized for not throwing him out for her. At most I explained over and over why I wouldn't. What I Should Have Done was tell her it was none of her business or at least let her know how disrespectful to Him it was to sit in his home and say these things. I did not. So when she jumped sides she fully expected me to just take it.

Now, the fact that I didn't wasn't because she finally went too far. It likely had little to do with the content of her new complaint. It was Christmas Eve. The pain and stress of preparing for the holiday this year was almost unbearable. I was feeling like I was crossing a finish line. Jeremy was almost done cooking dinner. The kids would open the few presents we were able to buy this year and it would be over for another year. And There She Was. 

I go back to the fact that I would have NEVER dreamed to speak to my mother or grandmother in such a way. Especially not on Christmas Eve in their home!

And I don't think She would have spoken to any other parent or grandparent that way. 

So, the problem is Me.

Either I allow a level of familiarity or don't command a level of respect that made her feel she was right. Likely both.

Whatever. 

I HAVE TO fix this before it happens again. I still have Kira and Jazz in my house and others in their homes. Sadly, I am now questioning all familiarity with them. They like to tease and play, Kira has a thing where she calls everyone Loser. Do I shut her down from teasing Jeremy and me like that so she doesn't feel comfortable telling us our behavior is disgusting some day?? 

I really hate this. 

This House

 I often think I should say something about this house.  This Home.  How unbelievably peaceful it feels,  especially after living in the war zone on Meredith! I almost always feel safe here.  Even going outside at night.  Jess walks Nova here,  makes about a half mile loup around the house.  Most of the people around here are gone owners and I see very little gang activity even though we are still in North O. At the other house it was Loud music and people yelling,  drunk,  high, etc. at least every week ends.  I haven't seen one night like that here.  

We might actually be the most dangerous house around here.  

Jami stress

 She is so very much stress on a household! I wish I could fix it but I don't think I can.  Jami just will Not work to get along.  Not really.  She tried to act like she is " conforming " to 'family life' but it is always just trying to get away with whatever she can and denying doing anything wrong whenever she is called out,  exactly like living with a juvenile delinquent who happens to be 48 years old.  A lot of it is just the Meth. The life style and the people it brings.  I tell her to Keep That Out of Here but she just sneaks,  does whatever she wants. Kira was trying to explain how her mom must be laughing in my face all of the time and I had to tell her that I'm already fully aware. More like slapping me in the face. It's the drugs,  the bad traffic,  the mess,  the total disrespect for everyone in this house.  If confronted she always claims that She is the Victim.  But she isn't at all.  Some days it feels like we are all being held hostage here.  And I am out front taking the bullets when they come because no one else dares confront her but I am always asked to.  It's much like Jeremy.  Everyone said it was my Fault he was here (until it wasn't) (then I was the bad guy) and they all say it is my fault that she is here.  It is.  I let her move in against everyone's wishes.  Maybe Every Time.  

I just know we can't go on like this.  Shouldn't go on like this.  Won't go on like this. 

How to make it end???

And should I? I don't forget that this house chose Jeremy over me. I only had Jami here.  I'm not sure how I'd survive here without her.  If she had been here for that last confrontation with Brandon it would have gone completely differently. I was standing all alone.  

And that is something easily harder to deal with than Anything Jami does. 

Jeanette laser eye surgery

 Today the Dr is going to repair the holes he found in Jeanette's retina a couple of weeks ago.  It is her only remaining eye so it's quite terrifying.  I believe it will go well but don't know what the future of this last she will be.  She was unable to go in far her she check up for 2 years, I think she is supposed to go every 6 months,  and that is likely why this got so bad. I've been so afraid of her going blind ever since this started and I'm sure she is,  too. Jess and I talk about it,  about how she will Have To help here,  especially now that she will have this house. 

But I pray she has many years of vision left!!

Talking to myself

 When I'm told I am taking to myself I have often jokingly replies that I do it because I am the only one who listens to me. That's really not a joke any more.  Partly old age. Partly being surrounded by ass holes. But yesterday I intentionally talked to myself while working outside,  letting myself say all of the things I don't say out loud.  Over an hour I ranted letting it All Out.  I was hoping it might release some tension. Nope. Pretty sure it made it worse!

Night Owl

 My days and nights are back to owl status.  I haven't done this for years because of the kids school and because for a long time I just woke at 7am no matter what. Not sure why this happened.  It's not good for having to get kids to school and early appointments but I must admit that it has always been what seemed the most natural for me and almost all of my relatives.  Night Owls.  I will switch back real soon but once the girls have cars and are driving to school and work I'll be able to have whatever schedule that I want 😁.

Oh and this isn't great with it being time to start my vegetable garden.

Loving home

 I do love that we have a home that we feel safe in.  And it is ours. Yes,  it's the middle of the night and a police helicopter is circling overhead right now,  but that is a rare thing here and at least they don't have the spot light on our house!

Wow.  They are checking low.  Can you see if they are using night vision???

Free lumber for garden

 Jami and I went and got old lumber from where they are rebuilding the Fontenelle Youth Center,  looks like they're was a fire,  but I mostly need it to build my raised garden beds.  It was hard as hell work,  most of the time was spent removing and hammering down the old nails,  but it felt a lot like "old times"  when we pulled stuff together all the time.  Like raiding thrift store dumpsters on Sunday nights after the garage sales closed. I'm so sore I can hardly move,  and I bet she hurts,  too! but it felt good and I have what I need to start nice raised bed gardens.  😃

Martha

 Jess  has said she feels life the Martha. In glad that I never told her to start doing all of the house work. She just started after I couldn't and then Jeremy wouldn't.  I'm grateful for it. She keeps the house looking fairly decent and prepares good meals.  In return I have her the running of this house.  Let her pretty much be the Boss which i guess also makes her the Martha.  Years ago when I was doing it all including laundry for sometimes 7 kids Jessica pretty much never helped.  And she trashed whatever space she had. The landlady had to hire someone to deodorize and clean Jessica's room at the yellow house.  All of the upstairs at the Meredith house was trashed except for Kiras room. Now I feel sorry for her sometimes when I hear her vacuuming at night or when she cleans the litter boxes every day making owning cats so my better! I seem to forget the years I did it all and then the years Jeremy barely did it while bitching about having to do the little he did at the top of his lungs.  If you walked through the Meredith house barefoot your feet would be black with  filth. Jami and Kirk did most of the trashing of the basement there but Jeremy didn't do much better.  The basement here was beautiful when we moved in.  It's an embarrassing eyesore most of the time now.  But socks don't get black walking without shoes in the house and the kitchen is always clean. Thank you, Jess! My room is terrible,  has been for months,  but I hope to fix it more now that I'm feeling a little better. And I'm trying to put in a garden.  This year I will profit more than I spend on it. Jess and Kira have always refused to eat anything I grow. They trust vegetables from the grocery store full of pesticides and handled by strangers,  often in Mexico,  more that they trust what I grow.  I'm going to force the issue this year. We are spending over a thousand a month on food now. Eggs are over $5 a dozen and everything had been outrageously expensive since Covid.  They will eat it or go hungry. I made laundry soap that would save us $30 a month and they refused to use it. It was more pure and effective than store bought.  It mostly got left when we moved here. I hope to make it again and make them use it.  They but a LOT of expensive unnecessary groceries.  Jess uses online recipes that complicate simple dishes like goulash and chili. Pot pies that are costly but delicious but I know the cheap way to do it is delicious too. I probably can't change these things but the financial situation might make it get better and growing vegetables will help.  I'm looking at getting chickens,  too. 

One thing about the"expense" of Jess's cooking: I was raised by the generation who survived the Great Depression, meaning I was taught to be extremely frugal,  probably excessively so.  They may need to know those things in this world some day but I don't want to make them learn it now if I don't have to.  And Jess's gnocchi if amazing and worth whatever it costs!!

Ok. Sleep now??

What keeps me awake

 I don't know why I'm awake. It's 3:48 am. The kids are both out of town,  I actually did some yard work today and a little cleaning,  and I can't sleep.  It is so hard to turn off my brain at night.  Or any time.  And it is too often the same things going through my head almost all of the time.  

I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why so many in my family despise me.  Treat me with absolute disrespect.  Probably wish I would just go ahead and die.  This is Lindsey,  Joey, Jessalynn,  and Brandon.  Most of the time, in some ways,  Brandon bothers me the most.  So much hatred and he knows so very little about me! Who I  am.  Who I have been.  He plead with My Family to realize that I AM CONTROLING THEM. That is just wild to me.  I might wish I COULD control my family,  I sure would worry about them a lot less!! Lindsey,  as I have said,  didn't bother me so much.  I understand that she says she has no memory of her young years with Steve and me.  Add to that her bipolar and drug issues and the brain bled she had at birth,  plus her horrific childhood after Jami and Mikey took her from me,  and I can understand,  I can handle she doesn't really love me.  I'm not even sure that she loves her own children. How did she live with not having Addie with her for So Long?? I couldn't be away from my children when they were little.  Not like that! Steve and I tried to leave the girls with my brother,  Mike,  when we went in our honey moon and we were in Galveston mess than an hour and went and got the girls.  No, Lindsey is Different. Sadly maybe like he own mother. ? And I don't really stress a lot about Joey. I don't really know her or how she was raised to believe and act.  She might be treating me the way she was taught to treat me.  I know Mikeys parents blame me for how the kids were raised while he was with Jami and for all I know Mikey blames me for it to them,  he really hated admitting he was at fault! as much as I blame him.  And that's a lot!! I thoroughly believe Lindsey's life would have been a hell of a lot better if he and his parents hadn't helped Jami end my guardianship of Lindsey.  Joey has some pretty messed up ideas about her mother,  too. She seems to really resent that Jami hasn't been a mother.  I'm betting Mikey never told her that he had children with Jami knowing she was a drug addict and he told me that they had an agreement that he would take complete care of the kids when Jami had them.  Add to that the fact that he became a drug addict himself and that he had never admitted any responsibility for how they lost the girls to DHS. He certainly never apologized to me for the horrific things he's done to me.  Ok, yes, that's another thing I can get caught up in thinking about.  But when a man makes you sit in a chair while his drug addicted wife his you over and over screaming acusations for things that NEVE HAPPENED and then threatens you to be careful who you tell about it (he walked in on me sneaking a phone call for help after Jami got tired of hitting me) , well,  that can really mess with your head!! Jessalynn's disrespect and abhorrense of me REALLY BOTHERED ME for the first year,  that night have been the most pain I've ever felt,  but I built armor against her long before her Boyfriend decided to give me a piece of his tiny mind. Years before Jessalynn went in the attack against me over Jeremy I used to wonder if kids sometimes if I was raising grandchildren who were going to hate me. Funny,  I want thinking of Jessalynn when I would think about that. I had so much made her the center of my world for so many years I never really thought she could ever be hateful towards me.  I felt that she was a little disrespectful a few times when she was in high school but I was also the one she called for WM EVERYTHING for all those years.  I know Jess was doing a lot of meth (long after Jessalynn believed it) and always saying hateful things about me to everyone,  including Jessalynn,  and even though Jessalynn would tell me that she didn't believe her mother I still am pretty sure all that hated had some effect on her.  She must have shared some of that with Brandon?? Or maybe he got all of his twisted thinking from listening to and believing Jeremy.  Funny,  Jeremy had tried to tell his lies about me to every one in the family at some time and he always got called out and shut down until gullible Brandon came along.  The year before he came around Jessalynn told me, sometimes  Every Day, that she hated Jeremy and that I was wrong to not throw him out.  I have to think that Brandon became a believer. I don't know how she did so well in school because I never thought she was really very bright. I did a lot of homework with her in high school and was surprised she even passed some of her classes the way she would do her work. Shoddy.  But I guess Good enough to get to and through college!! Then there is Kira now. The one I adopted.  She is unbelievably hateful to me. Yes,  she tries to act like she cares sometimes but it is so clear that she despises me. Another one who blame me for Jeremy after doing nothing but complain about him FOR YEARS. Fine. It hurt but I've been building that wall with her like I had to with Lindsey.  And I don't think She is very nice in general but thinks she is. No one I know does. She is selfish,  entitled,  spoiled,  rude, crude,  and invidious most of the time.  She talks to me with barely concealed contempt,  sometimes not concealed at all.  I stopped crying about it a long time ago. 

I do have respectful,  living grandchildren. Jeanette's children all treat me just amazing,  every one of them. Robby has lost his temper with me a couple of times but it never felt like an attack On Me. He sometimes attacks people because he is depressed and having a hard time with growing up.  I understand.  Riley and Jenise alone are enough to make up for the hateful ones and Phillip is right in there, too. Jazz has never ever been disrespectful.  She is not overly loving but she's like that with everyone. Jazz is the most fair minded of them all and is anyways taking up for the underdog and always very loyal to those she cares about.  Jenise is the best human being out of all the kids and Jazz runs a close second or maybe it's a tie.  Jazz doesn't talk much,  I go days in the same house and don't even see her but what I do see is just GOOD. 

What I hate if when I start to wonder if I am the common denominator among the hateful kids? or if it about issues they have??? I know that Jeanette and Jami see the other kids pretty much the same way that I do.  It actually makes me feel a little better realizing that. And they both love and stand by Me.  Jess doesn't so much. She does a lot for me and says loving things but she also does Nothing to defend me when I am attacked no matter how disrespectfully I am treated. When it was Jessalynn and I asked her to help me out at least listen to my side of it she backed away and whispered "but she's My Daughter". When I am attacked by Jessalynn,  Brandon,  or Jeremy she NEVER SAYS "But that's My Mother". I think some where in her she still hates me. I'm an obligation she takes care of so I will take care of her. That's how that feels.  And it isn't that her mental condition makes her unable to stand up for people because she sure as he'll stand up for Jessalynn (as she should!),  Brandon,  and Jeremy. Oh,  I also have our Shyloni.  Again,  never disrespectful. Honestly loving.  So I have 4 grandchildren who despise me.  Is it a coincidence that included all Jami's children?? I don't know Michelle.  Joey forbade me to really to get to know her several years ago ( even though she emphatically denies ever doing it now!) But I'm afraid that Michelle will take her cue from Lindsey and Joey.  I had a chance to see her when they picked Kira up today but I knew it wouldn't be good with Joey there.  And Kira.  But really,  why is it mostly Jami's children?? Jessica affected Jessalynn and Brandon but Jami really had no hand in raising the others.  Maybe it's in their DNA to hate me. No,  I know that's B S, BUT really,  WHY?? Mikey's influence?? 

No no no. I have to just block out the assholes and keep in mind the good ones.  They are more than enough. Amc Jenise is growing another one for me 💕💕💕. 

I should sleep soundly and live badly indeed if not for stressing and constantly trying to think of how to "fix this". So talking to them in my head.  Definitely stop hoping they will apologize for treatung me like Shit and become decent humans.  Stop letting it get my feelings that they say and do hateful things.  Just forget them.  

I took out life insurance so Kira could be taken care of after I'm gone.  She knows about it and it is nauseating that she keeps asking and about that money.  I lived longer than I ever expected. She is now capable of working and definitely taking care of herself.  I'm going to change that policy.  I changed it to go  to Jenise when I took Jeremy off the policy but I'm thinking I want it to help my daughters keep this house.  I put it in Jessica's name but she is terrible about money and knows nothing about losing bills.  I need to at least add Jeanette or just put it in her name.  If I die before Kira is out of school she will get my social security until she graduates. That should be enough for her and she is capable of and plans to keep working. too. I hope Jeanette and Jess will do whatever they can to take care of Jami.  I can't leave her money or ownership of this house. She's on methadone but she still is and acts like a drug addict. I don't even understand how she hadn't really had a job for decades unless you count when she was dealing drugs.  She's still smart,  can be brilliant, but somehow does Nothing productive At All. She always had a plan to do SOMETHING but somehow never does. She should have at least applied for SSI by now.  Nothing.  She trashed the part of the house she uses every time.  The basement is a nightmare again.   No.  I can't trust her with the house or money any more than she can be trusted to take care of Kira. She messed up bad with Kids again lost week.  Kira gave her money to get her some tea from Walmart and Jami told her she would get it and for her to wait up for her to get back.  It was already around 10pm. She decided to go to a casino with Dave and got home at around 1:30am without the tea. Kira didn't wait up for her but she was Really Pissed Off. I hate how Kira blows up over everything but she had good reason to be pissy about this except I've told her all of her life to NEVER depend on her mother so she doesn't get let down.  I guess she thought this time might be different.  I really can't believe Jami did it to her and if course she doesn't take responsibility for it.  She just said something about hoe she had a messed up night.  

Ok. I'm going to try to sleep again.  Maybe writing all of this again will cleanse my brain and heart for a while. I can't keep letting the hate torture me.  I don't want to learn to just hate them in return,  I fight that, but wonder sometimes if that would make it better??...

Respect

What is the true meaning of respect?        "politeness, honour, and care shown towards someone or something that is considered important"

That is the Google answer.  I looked it up trying to understand why I apparently am like Rodney Dangerfield, whose hook line was "I get no respect". 

I do get respect from most people.  Most important to me,  I've received respect from my mother and brothers Even though the respect from my mother came very late in her life,  pretty much on her death bed,  and Mike spent a decade trying to destroy all respect anyone had for me.  My mother was largely influence by Mike for several years and by just never really getting to know me until she was dying. Mike is a much more complicated story that sadly started with an old grudge.  A very old grudge he likely still holds but has decided to overlook in our old age. If course I would rather h could see what happened between us now clearly but Mom told me that he never would and she was right.  But,  I understand those things.  What I don't understand,  what I find myself fighting to understand,  is the total disrespect from at least 3 of my 9 grandchildren.  Lindsey. Joey. Jessalynn. And maybe Kira. I can almost understand Lindsey. Or at least excuse her.  She is a sociopath from birth,  doesn't truly respect any one that I know of,  and when you add bipolar and drug abuse it's a mess.  And,  honestly, Lindsey has taken the trouble to show huge respect at times even though she has almost no memory of the years Steve and I took care of her.  Joey didn't grow up around me at all and was raised by people I really don't know,  some I don't like the things I do know,  so maybe there are things there I don't know.  Jessalynn is one of the most confusing for me.  She was the grandchild I did Everything for.  Dad was lost dating everything that moved and Jess just couldn't handling the world and battled addiction for years,  so i tired to be there for her from when she was 4 years old through her first year of college.  I try to find an excuse for her,  the only one is that her mother actively hated me for years and was always whispering in her ear how terrible and narcissistic I was.  I knew it at the time but let myself believe Jessalynn wasn't really effected by it.  I was the closest person to her,  always the one she called for everything and the one she wanted taking care of her whenever she was sick or hurt.  Jeanette told me that Jeremy poisoned her"against" me but how could he when her mother couldn't? (If her mother couldn't?) The year before Brandon Jlynn told me almost daily that I was wrong to let Jeremy stay (and I was telling him and telling him he needed to leave!) so when she told me the way I treated him was "disgusting" at first I thought it was a joke.  I know Brandon has a huge influence on that but still don't get it.  I do hate Jeremy for it But I am aware that he should have never been able to do it.  Maybe to Brandon, he's not the sharpest crayon, but Jessalynn should have had years of just knowing better.  This really isn't on Jeremy or Brandon so much as Jessalynn. 

It isn't just them.  There were those years Jess hated me even as I took care of her! and Jami still holds these things.  They are both pretty extremely mentally ill and have a horrendous history of drug abuse.  If you google drug abusers blaming their parents and lying about them it is pitifully common.  

But I can't stop seeing that I AM THE COMMON DENOMINATOR here.  

I should be afforded respect just for my old age in an older society.  But even without that,  I have singlehandedly held together my household against all odds for decades. When I was with Steve he was weak and had zero clarity on how to survive anything.  That was all me.  Then Jeremy was more helpless than anyone I've ever known.  It's been Me.  I KNOW  this.  So what the hell is this???? I got if thru a freaking Pandemic with Jeremy refusing to take a job that was "beneath him"!!! On just my SSI and a couple of government Covid payouts!!! 

After I'm gone

 Still a major stress.  I want this house in Jess and Jeanette's names but if I do it before I die I have to pay property taxes.  I do believe it will take both of them to maintain this house.  They will have almost $4000 a year in taxes and insurance plus upkeep. 

I should turn the basement into an apartment for Nett and the boys ASAP but I have Dave here at least until he gets his hernia surgery (which technically he should have already done!) and then have to figure out firing them in with Jami here if she doesn't figure things out.  I know she doesn't want to be here with the "rules" , doubt she followed them still.  Her plan was to get committed and then they file her disability and get her housing but I don't know how realistic that is or if she even really wants to do it.  She believes she can get SSI for her bipolar but I'm not sure about that any more.  Plus I wonder how it might count against her that I was filling for her when she left the hospital AMA after her coma.  So Dumb.  Her thing for Mike and Meth has screwed her life so badly!! 

So,  figure out how to leave this house.  I hope they will provide Jami shelter when needed,  I believe they will,  but no guarantees after I'm gone!! I'm not even sure they will share with each other! And then there are the grandchildren.  I don't Jessalynn will ever need it,  God because I would burn it down before I wanted Brandon in here,  but there are the other kids.  I hope they can all find shelter here when needed but always temporary while Jess and Nett live. I believe Jenise and Phillip will figure it all out and be able to survive with their little (Maybe big?) family and they have his family to fall back on, too. Robby should find his way,  too. Riley could struggle.  I think he will either struggle some or make it Big,  he could go either way.  I was sure that Jazz and Jess were headed for college after high school and headed for good lives but the way they have struggled with high school has me doubting that.  Jazz will have some back up from Lamar's family but Kira won't really have anything like that.  She will get social security until she is 19 or as long as she stays in school after I'm gone.  Again,  depending on this administrations plans for social security! Surely that program is safe???? 

I wish I had planned longer and better for them all.  I REALLY never expected to live much past 50, old age is such a huge surprise!!! 

I only have $20000 life insurance because I started it so late. Lamar started one for Jazz and Shy at the time but he says he let it lapse so mine might have to help all of them???  It was for Jeremy to finish raising Kira when I started it.  Now he is gone and she is almost raised.  Most of it should go to the girls to maintain this house but if Jess gets on SSI getting $20000 could mess that up.  I know Kira still believes it is all for her.  I'll have to explain that eventually.  

The good old days when you just waited for your girls to "make a good marriage" and be taken care of!! Did that ever actually exist?? Now we have equality (gone too far?) and I have started a mariachal society in this family!! 

This is a mess.  I guess I can't die for a while! but the superstitious part of me is terrified to say that!  

What will happen to my family???

Jami returned for real

 I thought I already wrote this?? Jami showed up beat the hell up just like I was afraid she would.  A few weeks ago?? No Adamay. I felt terrible about that but I just can't have her here.  Just being a Pit is bad enough without her being one exposed to both Mike and Meth. 

She said she wants to go in a psych ward but I'm not sure if she meant that. She Does need to figure out disability or a way to make money.  SSI is looking pretty shake with this administration.  I think mine is OK but wonder if Jeremy will be affected?? Don't know.  Frightening for this whole country.  Everything is. 

Jami here briefly

 Jami was here briefly. I told her to leave again pretty quick. I really didn't want it to go that way,  did I? Yes,  I was still upset about how she left before and I didn't invite her back - actually it was still too soon - but I did want to work something out.  I got the feeling that she really doesn't want to "work things out", she just wants to be able to keep doing whatever she wants.  It was sad just trying to confront her by text. She just can not say "I was lying" without at least a but.  The closest she came was saying that she was "out of line". And that has always been sad. So much just unresolved through the years.  And there's that thing of her actually believing a lot of what she says. I didn't hope to really change that. Just wanted to try making it clear that I would no longer ever turn a blind eye.  Never should have.  

I don't think she can live with that.

But I also know this isn't her only option before actually being homeless.  It just until now required the least from her. 

Jeremy

 I still think about him a lot.  More than I want to.  But I believe that will lessen with time.  I miss him once in a while but the guy I miss is not the one we have lived with these last ten years.  If I miss him I miss the guy I met and immediately realize that I have been missing that guy for years.  I don't miss the guy who left here at all.  When I think of him I am relieved he is gone.  I do hate to think of him in pain or miserable but I really doubt he is.  Not any more than he was before he left and very likely he is probably happier.  I don't like that I had to make him hate me to make him leave.  It took at least ten years to get him to go!! and from the first time I told him to leave to the very last I sincerely believed it would be better for him than staying and being miserable and making everyone around him miserable.  But it is a lot like when someone dies here,  at least within my household.  They seem to not remember anything about how terrible he was and how much they all complained about him every single day.  Complained To Me.  I am so glad that is over!! but with this speak-no-evil-of-the-dead-attitude it's actually pretty nauseating to live around.  

Fare thee well.

Our Home

 I do love how much safer it feels where we live now. Where I bought this house. It's still"North O" but a safe part. It's quiet here almost all of the time.  To much traffic on the street,  3 elementary schools within a mile or so,  but it's much more peaceful here.  I'm seldom afraid of anything going on around us. We are probably one of the more frightening neighbors around here. I hope my family can hang onto this place as long as it is like this.  

I worry a lot about after I am gone.  I want Jessica and Jeanette to share ownership of the house and take in family that needs it.  I would put it in their name but then the house won't be tax except.  I suppose I need to write a real will,  the kind with legal help.  I also need to take care of writing a Living Will so no one stresses about how I die.  So much I should take care of soon!! But tonight,  I am just glad we are here.  

What would i say

... to Jami if I could? 

Jeanette sick

 Im worried. Jeanette had a hematoma on her cervix and go one is helping her.  She can't even get an ultrasound done. Our medical system has been screwed up ever since covid and it takes forever to get anything done and our government is going to make it all much worse over the next 4 years. 

This world has become very frightening 

And yet

 Well.  That didn't go well.  Jami was here yesterday.  I think she really wanted to come home but it was so strange a way to attempt it.  I think she wanted to come back here but to bee unaccountable for what had gone on before or the way she left.  She went on the offense for a defense which wouldn't be a bad idea except she seemed to just want to hold me accountable for how She was treated here.  Which wasn't quite the way she says.  She cane it front to talk to me but when she started this I did I didn't want to talk to her and got up to go in and she said,  No, you are going to talk to me,  and tried to stop me from opening the screen door.  We struggle a minute and I got in and she pretty much stored fighting and let me shut the door but then stood out there yelling and ringing the bell nonstop.  I had to call the police for her to stop.  And it is all just sad.  I don't get it or if I do get it is just so bizarre I start to rethink it because it just seems unreal that she could hope to gain anything like she tried. It's like double talk. 

I really hate this but it always ends here.

And I have never figured out why. 

Jami

Just here to organize my thoughts maybe.  Dave says Jami wants to return.  Of course.  But there is that Why in the hell did she leave like she did? 

When I would say Mike couldn't live here her angry response was "Fine. WE'LL leave." Or that last time,  "But Mom he's doing everything he can" I'm still mulling that unbelievable response.  I said that wasn't at all my problem. How could she not see that before I said it??  It is all just weird to say the least. Mike was overheard telling her that she was supposed to"take care of this" before he got out.  Take care of what?? And did she really believe that him staying here would go unnoticed or just become ok?? Gaslight.  I'm seeing that term new to me has described how she has handled me for years.  Always trying to tell me that orange is purple.  He's NOT here every day.  We imagine that.  When the truth is just so obvious - if he wasn't living here then why did she have to go find a place for them to leave?? Couldn't he just go home?? 

No.  He has no home.  So she chose to go be homeless with him because she couldn't bear to be away from Adamay. That was that gas light.  Of course it was all about Mike.  

He got out unexpectedly.  Then Jami should have stayed put,  we were already putting up with Adamay being here,  and Mike should have found somewhere to stay while he got set up.  Maybe get an actual home. Who knows?? But no.  She angrily left.  

And now she wants to come back.  

It just feels ridiculous to even be considering this after that. 

Negatives:

1) Jami has trashed whatever room or space she has ever used in one of my homes.  

She made a mess in the space she was given in the basement.  Then Shy moved out (with what of her things she could find) and Jami moved to her space leaving junk in Space#1. Then Jeremy moved out and she took over his space.  Result: Entire basement trashed.

2) Jami and her friends smoke meth in the basement which everyone smells and knows about but she hotly denies it.  And while Mike was here there was not only the smell of cigarettes down there but a glass was brought up with a butt in it. That is hotly denied  too.

3) Jami had a history of having people live in her space/ room that aren't supposed to be in the house, "sneaking them" in and out like a teenager breaking rules.  

4) Jami invites people into the house,  welcomes,  people who use and sell drugs.  

5) Jami doesn't work or even apply for SSI, no plans to be able to contribute or take care of herself.  

6) Jami has no respect for what Jess has to do to keep our home clean. Doesn't even bring up her dirty dishes most of the time and then leaves them crusted with old food for Jess although I try to take care of them before Jess even sees them.  

7) If I try to assign her "chores" to help out she just doesn't.  I asked that she sweep the basement every day.  She didn't.  I asked her to keep the laundry room clean for us.  She didn't.

8) She keeps druggie hours, out after midnight a lot,  (Nothing good ever happens after 2am)

9) Her temper frightens people. 

10) THE BIG ONE: She has Kira seeing her choose drugs and people over being with her over and over again.  This was just the last of many,  a lifetime of this for Kira.

Now, reasons to say Yes:

I worry about what will happen to her homeless. 

Now that is just sad. 

No one but Jami benefits from her being with us and being with us is harmful and negative for everyone except her. 

Jami move out again

 It's been a tense couple of weeks.  Actually,  I don't know how long it's been... Mike got out of jail unexpectedly recently and has been here a lot.  I agreed to him being here the first night but then he was just always here,  mostly showing up early in the morning and then they would be silent down there all day,  like asleep,  rinsed and repeat.  Jess and Kira were very unhappy about it,  asking every day is he was living here and they did not want that.  Neither did I. I would tell Jami he couldn't stay here but I'm pretty sure he wasn't really ever told by her.  Jami turned into another person a son as he got out.  She's a different person for him and the word part is I think he preferrs the real Jami. We all do.  She acts like her life is all about pleasing him,  keeping him.  She acts kind of like a rebellious teenager.  Like when she had the downstairs room at the last house. Sneaking people in and out through her window and taking two plates to her room at meal times saying she is Very Hungry.  

Kira is 16

 The youngest of the grandchildren,  Kira,  turned 16 today. She had me order a white, round cake covered in pink hearts and she wanted tempura with just us, including Shy, here and it was quite lovely.  One of the most beautiful evenings I've seen in a long. long,  time.  🙂💞💞💞

Jess decorated the table early all in pink and there were only a few gifts and Kira seemed HAPPY. It just made me feel wonderful to see her happy!! 

More Peace

 Maybe.  I don't dwell on it all so much.  It just Is.  In all it's whatever it is.  I still feel my household hates me and wished me dead.  Except Jami.  I live with my fake family,  smiling in my face,  Good knows what behind my back.  

I really never saw this coming

Ok, that was pretty bitter!

 Still here.  Got to find My way out of this Bitterness.  I HATE feeling bitter!! This will end even if it takes clearing My Home to make it end.  So much bullshit. Fake smiling Jess. How did I ever decide she was Beautiful?? I just Wanted to believe it so very much!! When she stopped the meth and started acting Nice.  I was just so thrilled that it was over I never really thought about the fact that she never even acknowledged that she was So Hateful and Blaming.  I just wanted to be happy that it was over.  Jami pointed out her influence over Jlynn and Brandon.  Jess,  always pointing out the Bright Side of every one.  She must be an angel, right?? And the sand fell from her eyes.  

I'm looking at this situation.  How to fix it ot at least make it better.  I ordered a 'hidden microphone'. I want to know.  Yes,  eavesdropping never hear any thing good.  I feel the hush when I walk in a room,  especially if it's Kira and Jess talking.  I need to decide.  

Do I keep pretending that I don't know how much they hate me?? No. So I get rid of them and fill this house with Loving Family??  What will become of them?? I do think Jess, like Jeremy,  is far more capable of surviving on her own than either know.   If she's not on drugs she could probably keep up with a housing application.  At least I won't be there to blame if she can't.  And they could get Jeremy to come back and take care of them if they wanted.  Surely they could figure out how to pay bills and survive.  

I am hating this life.  It was supposed to Set Me Free if I could ever get Jeremy to leave!!! 

My anger at them doesn't help,  I know.  But What is Anger?? They hurt me.  When I tried a while back to get Jess to help with the J & B situation she teared up and said,  "But Jessalynn is my daughter!" And,  mind you,  I wasn't even thinking any thing bad about Jlynn!! But what no one will ever hear from her no matter how I am treated evidently is "But that is my Mom!" Yes,  bitterness.  

When they are gone,  will I let it go?? Will I revert to worrying about if they are OK, regret casting them out?? 

I always say EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL SAFE IN THEIR OWN HOME.  None of us have been able to feel 'safe' with Jeremy in the house.  His rages, temper,  and carelessness endanger him and everyone around him.  He is the main reason I was saying that for years.  He is finally gone.  I DO NOT feel'safe' with what he left behind.  Independence Day, "Peace. No peace". 

I just keep feeling

 I barely sleep,  I do nothing,  really. But Feel. Feel sharp pains over and over. Everyone's pain,  even Jeremy's,  everyone's.  I'm always talking to everyone in my head.  Obsessively.  Non stop. Today it is Jess. Last night,  many nights,  it is Brandon.  How could he be so very hateful?? I hear it,  "You just manipulate Everybody!" Over and over like the year I heard Jessalynn's voice telling me I was disgusting. Over and over.  A constant loup of Pain. Brandon declared that I MANIPULATE EVERYONE.  If anything. I feel like I let everyone manipulate Me.  I just feel old and useless all the time.  I am ordered around all of the time, even by the youngest here. Get up,  drive here,  drive me there,  take care of the bills,  eat this,  eat that,  don't smoke,  Why don't you go play bingo at an old folks home? I don't even steer my own ship anymore but I am Manipulating Everyone.  Oh. And he meant especially Jeremy.  Jeremy who I couldn't even talk into bathing when he needed it.  Who shouted orders at me all the time and Refused To Leave no matter what he did or what I said and then it's My Fault he has stayed for 22 years with me taking care of him and was unhappy. WHY WOULDN'T HE JUST LEAVE? I tell him and Brandon in my head all the time: 

"If she says LEAVE. 

Maybe u should GO.  

If she says that NO ONE WILL EVER ASK HER WHY SHE SHARES A BED WITH A MAN ABUSIVE TO HER FAMILY

Maybe you should believe her.  

And IS YOU REFUSE TO LEAVE AND YOU aren't happy IT IS YOUR OWN FAULT!!"

Oh I wanna scream!! Day and night I am haunted.  Yes.  I tried to make him leave before he killed one of us or himself.  Maybe if I were more MANIPULATIVE it wouldn't have taken TEN YEARS to get him to leave me alone!!! 

Jessalynn.  Telling me everyday for years,  You are a Bad Person for not making him LEAVE! EVERY EFFING DAY!! Then Jeremy meets Brandon.  Always wants to impress him.  Acts like a completely Different Person whenever Brandon is around until Jessalynn somehow Forgets The Guy We Were Living With while she was in Lincoln with Brandon.  The constant yelling and violence we all lived with.  Hell, EVERYONE in the house forgot as soon as I demanded he finally leave since he had a girlfriend.  Let her take care of him! Let him Abuse Her Family.  AND I'M THE BAD GUY IN THIS.  EFFing HOW???? It's like only Jami, Jeanette and Jenise haven't lost their grip on reality.  

I see them in my nightmare when I do manage to fall asleep.  Their sharp disapproval hangs over me like black,  stormy,  clouds.  

Pain.  Jeremy,  Jessalynn and Jessica just cut me deep and wide.  Every one of them without a thought.  NO ONE HERE HAS MY BACK. EVER. Jess hates me inside,  has hated me most of her life,  for outrageous crimes like asking her if she needed deodorant in front of her father.  For MAKING HER LOSE HER HOUSING even though I was there,  banging on her door,  begging her to come out and attend her meeting to Keep Her Housing. She was pure hatred the first 6 years she lived with me.  Wouldn't life a finger around the house.  Left me to do EVERYTHING until I couldn't and then we lived in absolute squalor when Jeremy"took over" cleaning and cooking and bitching and Jess did drugs and told everyone I was a cold narcissist. FOR YEARS. I was so startled when it ended that I didn't even question it.  Suddenly she's cleaning house and bringing me meals on a tray.  Honestly, the first few times,  I wondered if she was poisoning me.  But it was somehow for real. ?? No Apology,  that's OK. I'm just glad the torture is over.  I MANIPULATED her pretty good too for all those years.  Just took her abuse. And it was ABUSE. Meanness. 

I don't mention how Brandon hurt me because he didn't. All I feel for him is Hatred and amazement at his blind stupidity.  In my now very sick head I just see him on his knees in front of Jeremy taking it all. Believing every word he says.  Literally Eating It Up.  Taking to me like I am Beneath him.  Like everyone does in MY HOME but he is less than NOTHING.  

I'm supposed to be Finding My Joy.  All I have wanted for 10 years is to live In Peace living with drug addicts, psychos, an entitled teenager and another one who would rather get run over than say Hello to me. Peace. Why can't I even now MANIPULATE PEACE??!! That should be simple,  right? 

Yes. It is peaceful in a way since Jeremy finally left.  No one yelling,  punching walls,  breaking things,  stinking,  and smoking weed and coughing spitting on everyone while EVERYONE complained about him To Me.  That's over. But I am less than nothing here. Less Than.  Absolutely no one cares if I live or die except Jami here.  Not really.  They wanted Me Out and Him to be here. Oh I wish I could have given them that!! I would happily go play bingo and shuffleboard! But no.  Then my disability would go with me and they couldn't pay the bills here.  I'm useful for that all right.  I WAS SO HAPPY THE NIGHT I THOUGHT I LEFT THEM HERE WITH HIM FOREVER!! Oh they so deserve each other!!!!!! 

Venting. Venting at 4:30 am because I don't sleep. I nap a little at night. An hour. Maybe two. Until one of them invades my nightmare.  No peace. Even in sleep.  

2 days to Christmas. Such a jolly time. So happy to have lived to see this holiday season.  

"Clowns to the left of me,  

Jokers to the right,  Here I am,  

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU.  

Yea I'm stuck in the middle with you

And I'm wondering what it is I should do

It's so hard to keep the smile ON my face

Losing control! Yea, I'm all over the place."

Stealers Wheel 1972.

Joy and peace can't be real here. Everything is so phony. It's all a bad joke. 

I hope they don't choke on it.  

I feel my heart skipping beats from not sleeping. It feels terrible. Wish I could manipulate myself to sleep or at least manipulate my heart to not beat me to death. 

This Life Sucks. 

Thank you sweet family.  We all wish I wasn't  trapped here.

With Dr. Gold

This starts with two long texts I sent to my Pain Management doctor,  Dr. Gold. He changed my pain prescription, lowered it by 10 MG a day,  but since I was living through absolute Hell when I picked up my prescriptions,  I didn't notice the change and kept taking them as I normally did until I noticed I was almost out of the morphine extended release.  He had cut my morphine by 15 MG a day and added an extra 5 MG of instant release Oxycodone immediate release.  I tried using the extra oxycodone to stop withdrawal but it barely worked.  I was told that was because my body was in hard withdrawal for the morphine.  I went and saw him,  told him I hadn't noticed and told him a little about Why I hadn't noticed.  He cried with me, said he would fix it for me, and did nothing. I have his cell phone number because I am a long time VIP supposedly, so I started texting, asking, then begging, for TWO WEEKS and no response at all. What follows is how this worked out. I'm sharing with you because it tells what happened Here and is actually kinda humorous now. 

No missionaries called or anything so forget that but I have read the Bible,  the Book of Morman, The Pearl of Great Price,   the Quran, and my mother was Buddhist and whatever angle I look at what you have done to me is literally UNGODLY. I have to trust you. You tell me u will never cut meds by more than 5mg at a time but you cut mine by 15 MG then by 10 MG this time, both with No Warning.   I explain in detail WHY I didn't notice in time to save me abject misery and you compassionately say "Well, of course you didn't notice what I did! I'll fix this". And then Nothing. I'm in serious withdrawal Out Of Morphine.  I've thrown away NINE pairs of underwear,  THREE pairs of sweat pants,  and I'm supporting and caring for a family of 4 on $900 a month SSI. AND that was only about the diarrhea part of this misery. I am really hating that u display the Bible and The Book of Morman, the Pearl of Great Price in every room but act like you never learned how to treat a suffering person. Yes I know,  I have to 'Turn The Other Cheek' because we have a contract that I signed about how I would act but u didn't sign one backing any promises you make. If u would only just bother to respond to my desperate messages! It feels a whole lot like hatred and I never saw that coming. Act one way and do things another. I'm not going to quote scripture about that because you know already. It just somehow doesn't matter. 

I was in a fog for much of the last year from the permanent damage after having 3 brain bleeds after an aneurysm.  Then my beautiful brother reminded me that my brain was inconsequential,  that my Mind was still there,  with everything I needed to heal and he sent me a 100 year old book called The Secret of the Ages that teaches exactly that and much more.

I've been telling Jeremy he had to leave for Years. I didn't understand how this was going on until a granddaughter sent me a description of a low IQ Narcissist.  I have been told by some,  even some therapists, that he was a narcissist but in my mind that meant people like Donald Trump but no,  Jeremy is his own special kind whose specialty is living on pity.  And I was a perfect target.  Do you know that I washed his feet when we met to tell the story of Christ? He just saw a "sucker". 22 years of hitting a brick wall trying to get through to him because he wasn't the least bit interested in his salvation,  just what he could get out of me.   Every time he did something unspeakable,  hurt me,  hurt one of my family,  he would beg,  promise to do better,  you know the song,  and I would give the poor guy another chance. Right before the accident he punched my autistic grandson in the stomach. I was taking Jeremy to his pharmacy for his meds to take with him when I put him out when we got hit on the freeway. It was months before I even remembered what he had done.  He didn't hit his head,  but I totally believe he used my blank memory to his advantage for most of the last year. While I'm recovering he's telling any family who will listen,  mostly the grandkids, and the agoraphobic daughter, Jess, who I've taken care of all her life, how I Was actually secretly Abusing Him. Then a granddaughter who is already an adult,  sent me the low IQ Narcissist info and reminded me about Jeremy hitting Riley. We had just got the accident settlement.  When this house was put in my name only I had insisted they make a new title with him on it.  The man who I supported 22 years now owned 50% of this house and i finally saw what he Is. I'm praying about the vindictivness of this, but I started playing the long game,  playing him to pay me back for supporting him.  All of our savings was in His Name because he said it would be better with my Brain Injury.  I wanted at least half of that money for the taxes and house insurance this year. That was what I saved it for. He never even paid a bill in his life and refused to learn how, he really is clueless how to survive without a Pity Party. When he realized I was playing a game against him it turned into all out war here.  And then the kids accidently talked about him having a girlfriend that I overheard.  I started airing on The All Humiliation Network.  A few days ago he came at me smashing everything out of his way like he does and I spread my arms wide and said "Kill Me. All I want is to unite the family you have torn apart and THIS will reunite My Family. DO IT." and it stopped him in his tracks.  We were nose to nose, eye to eye,  and he knew I was right. What a glorious moment to crap my pants. The All Humiliation Network.  I was absolutely hating you in the bathroom! Bagged up my pants to mail to you. Then the title company called and said the new title was ready. I asked him in front of the family (who he still acts decent in front of) if he was going to sign the house over so the kids would inherit and he said Of Course. We left. On the way there he asked if I planned to be a f---ing bitch and throw him out after he signed. I didn't lie,  I just said "What do you think? How well do you know me?" and he went in and signed the new deed. And when we got home I told him he needed to start packing and,  he couldn't have done it on purpose but couldn't have time it better,  he had a Grand Mal seizure.  Jess and the grandchildren screamed at me WHAT DID U DO TO HIM! IM CALLING THE POLICE,  not an ambulance for him,  the police. My oldest daughter moved in when she heard I was living in his Pity Party and she's the only one besides me who has ever gotten him thru a seizure she went to him so i just stood there.  I knew he likely wouldn't die,  he has them all the time, but it was the first time i wasn't flooded with love and pity, Me, the leader of his pity party for 22 years! I knew i was free!! and it was time for one of the kids to b picked up from school so I left to get her. The police were here when I've got here. Jess actually went outside to greet them so my oldest daughter, Jami, wouldn't hear her and she was so busy trying to get Me Removed From My House that the officer didn't realize that there was a man inside needing an ambulanceat first and he was the one to call for an ambulance.  Jami got Jeremy in a safe position and when he was in the postical phase she started texting me what was going on so I walked in ready. The police knew I couldn't,  well,  likely didn't MAKE him have a seizure. Jeremy gets really upset all the time punching hold in the walls and breaking things and doesn't have a seizure.  He likely hasn't been taking his medication correctly which is usually the cause,  and the police had already told Jess she was free to leave but she couldn't have me Removed from My House for this.  I calmly told the police that we were ending a long,  abusive relationship that seems to have everyone involved but it was between Jeremy and me.  The officer asked what I wanted them to do with Jeremy who was now awake and refusing the EMT service like always. I said that he obviously shouldn't drive today and that he should go downstairs to his Man Cave and sleep it off and the police loved that, less paperwork etc for them,  and they left.  I let Jami deal with her sister while I went in the bathroom and added another set of clothing to the bag for you. Yes,  I was bitter,  yes,  I am working on that,  but I just didn't need you not even replying to my request for help with all of the Absolute Betrayal I was living on The All Humiliation Network.  Jeremy slept it off that night and when he was clear enough to whisper that I was a Fucking Whore the next day , I told him to get out.  He broke everything around him and threw Jami on the ground when she tried to stop him. Then my Jess asked if I would be offended if she helped him load his things. I said that if he couldn't carry it he didn't need it and if she really wanted to do it to load her things in there too. ( you aren't the only one pissing off a woman scorned). He left. The feeling of relief was so huge I just cried and thanked God that it Was Over. And, sorry, but when I was thru crying I texted you. No,  I don't want to throw you out,  I just want to be treated with respect by Someone. I'm so wrecked that if I go into a store and the cashier speaks kindly to me I cry. But I REFUSE to live in bitterness.  I will pray and seek help until I am whole again.  Yes,  he broke me,  but I refuse to be destroyed.  I am supposed to Be Here.  

And yes,  I started smoking cigarettes,  two packs a day! I've Never done that!! Disgusting,  making me puke,  but it was self soothing even as it was self destructive.  I have my vape again since he left but weirdly my breathing isn't more difficult.  Hallelujah. I weighed in at 119 when Jami checked yesterday but I've actually been Hungry now.  It shoots straight thru me still but I have food input. 

This is a novella.  When my last marriage ended (also weirdly 22 years) I lost almost everything so I rented a room and decided I wasn't leaving it until I could walk out with no bitterness.  I was in therapy twice a week and it took me Eight Months but I did it. I wrote our story as a comedy and mailed my ex a box of his things that my therapist asked me to burn every time I saw him. The therapist said I was done there and I went to Texas to help my mother who was dying, able to care for and sing to her while she died.  She even apologized for the abuse I grew up with.  Bonus. 

That's the story.  I hope you and I can go on.  I have loved you as a human and respected the Godly man in you for 15 years.  I would like to find that again. 

End of messages to my Pain Manager.

I feel asleep and woke to Dr. Gold calling and saw that he had already sent 4 texts begging to speak to me. I got an apology and he sent in enough Morphine to get me out of withdrawal and begged me to please not mail the crap filled clothes 😂 . 

My Brother's Glasses

 Herbert dying was the hardest thing I ever lived through. It was a total shock, I punched Steve in the face for waking me up and telling me that Herbert was dead.  I remember falling down and then just screaming and screaming until Steve called my doctor, went to a pharmacy and brought home xanax and put one in my mouth.  It took about 15 minutes and I was calm enough to start packing. 

I was in disbelief and Full of Guilt. Herbert had called me earlier and I was working at home, finishing a difficult portrait, and I told him that I had to finish and I would call him back.  It took me several hours and when I finally finished I laid down and fell asleep.  

Steve told me that he died in the car I gave him in mom's garage from exhaust inhalation.  I was frantic, I called Mike and screamed"Was it suicide?!" And Mike said,  "Slow down! Listen,  I don't think it was suicide.  Just get down here and we will figure this out." 

I was on the next flight to Houston. Mike picked me up and we went to mom's house and grilled her about what happened.  What was her last conversation with him? How did she find him? WHAT DID THE CORONER DAY? She told the story.  She said that the last time she had talked to him that he had knocked on her bedroom door and was holding a piece of bread and asked for a little peanut butter.  That broke my heart!! I knew she hated that we made her take him in and now I know she hid all the food in her room and he had to beg for a little peanut butter.  That makes me cry still. 

I don't want to go through this in detail.  I know I have in long handwritten journals and maybe I will here later but for now,  Mike said that the key in the car was OFF and it still had a quarter tank of gas.  Mike had talked to the coroner who said that he had never seen that in a suicide which gave us a little peace.  From talking to Mom we were fairly sure that Herbert had gone out to the garage to listen to the radio in the car,  his escape,  and we thought maybe our mother had closed the big garage door.  I still think that is very possible and how that at that moment she didn't realize she was killing him.  The car was no longer really road worthy but Herbert used it for this and would have started it for a while when he did to keep the battery charged.  For years I tried to imagine that he peacefully drifted off and died in his sleep. 

Mike shook my whole world when he called to tell me about our brother's glasses.  Mike picked up Herbert's glasses in mom's garage and took them home and put them on a shelf.  Much later he picked them up and just kind of automatically held them up to the light.  He said that they were full of tears, that it was obvious that Herbert had cried long and hard,  head down, before he died. Whether he killed himself or not,  he died crying.  That was a million sword through my soul.  I didn't think I could hold the pain!! We both cried through the phone.  Mike had to tell me because he was going to release a song he had written called "My Brother's Glasses". 

I had to get off the phone.  Was this too much?? I was already in so much pain I wanted to die.  Oddly, my only comfort had been Jeanette saying that my suffering through Jeremy for 22 years had not been a test by God but was a punishment.  Right or wrong,  I needed so badly to hear that!! So many nights I have cried to God "IF THIS IS A TEST I AM FAILING!! PLEASE HELP ME!!" And I would try to be a little more patient with Jeremy,  a little more tolerant of his constant anger and abuse. But what Jeanette said rang true.  She said my life has run in 22 year cycles of punishment and I am 66. I don't think She had even done the math that 66 divided by 3 is 22. I was growing up abused in every way,  then with Steve 22 years,  and then 22 years with Jeremy.  She says it's over and in pretty sure I don't have another 22 years in me!! But I hope part of that punishment was for This Life,  for not stopping work and talking to Herbert when he called,  and for that I would live through a dozen Steve's,  Herbert's,  and all the rapists of my childhood and fell secure that I deserve the pain.  Yes,  Jessalynn wounded me pretty badly but that is totally wrapped up with Jeremy. Barely important any more.  

My brother,  Herbert James Kiser,  has more heart than anyone I've ever known. A after he died he materialized in one of my dreams with that huge smile, walking up to me.  I said "Gore are you here? You died!" And he said,  "I know,  and I can't stay! Just give me a hug" and he vanished while I hugged him.  I KNOW he forgave me. I just never figured out how to forgive myself.  I know I have to in order to move on. Jeanette will help me.  She IS my guide now, I am sure of that ❣️