Wasted Day and Wasted Nights

 I got NOTHING done today.  NOTHING.  

Gabriella in heat

 I've already said it.  She is just amazing❣️ My heart just overflows when I look at her.  I love the warm feeling of her laying next to me.  I LOVE the way she is always so happy to see me❣️ And I am just as happy to see her ❤️. I am so terrified of anything ever happening to her.  She is in heat so we will try again to be her with Nova and I am excited and so very scared that something will go wrong.  She is So Very Tiny!! And got in the world will we sell any of their puppies if she has some?? Nova and Gabby?? They will be the cutest puppies in the world!! We will end up keeping them all!! 

To Do

 My To Do List is SO LONG!! Everything from rebuilding the deck steps to calling/texting Lindsey!! My phone call list alone is very intimidating since I've started Hating making business phone calls.  Actually,  I pretty much hate all phone calls - and that's not exactly new.  I've never liked talking to people when I can't see their face.  Whatever. I HAVE TO call MUD and whoever handles property taxes.  I guess fixing the deck can't really be put off much longer.  That bottom step is going to slide or break and someone is going to get hurt.  I need some yellow caution tape!! and about five people who want to do all of this for me. 

Oh,  Phillip says he is coming this weekend to treat the yard for mosquitoes!! That will make the outside work much less terrible to do! 😃

The Shower

 ...was actually fun.  It was overwhelming because there were So Many people there but I was very happy for Jenise to be having her day.  Philip's family came up from Kansas for it.  His parent,  Jamie,  greeted me with a book of poetry she had written.  I was very happy to be a recipient and when I took the book to put it in the car I read one of them and it was excellently written.  Michelle had planned the silly games that are played at baby showers and I was very pleased to see Kira and Jazz joining in whole heartedly.  They really made me proud at the shower in all ways.  Linda stayed by me again.  This gathering was even a little worse for her because he ex, Al, has married Philip's grandmother since their wedding and her other exes ex wife was also there so we sat off together in the front room with Riley, Jeanette and the girls.  

The best part was how happy Jenise looked.  She really was glowing today! 

I came home sore and exhausted but glad that we went.  

First Baby Shower

 How did I get to be 67 and Never go to a baby shower before??

Rebuild some of the deck

 I've been planning out rebuilding the steps to the deck and replacing some of the 4×4s that are rotting.  I hope it's rot and not termites but we aren't seeing the things that usually indicate termites.  It's all stressful enough without thinking it's termites!! I've measured and remeasured the pieces that I need to cut, terrified to actually start cutting.  I have the wood i need just in scrap wood we've collected but if I mess up too much I will end up having to buy wood that we can't afford.  I just know that Jess loves having the desk so I have to figure out how to make it good. 

I'm having a rough day.  Hands shaking badly,  feel kind of terrible. 

Plan Z, was Plan A

 Whatever.  I'm excited that we might actually finally Do This!! The beginning will still be rough.  I have to come up with about$1300 in car insurance real soon , $800  for MUD. $1300  in property tax if my exemption somehow didn't go thru (Actually I know I mailed the last form in late) (but I thought it would be ok when they said nothing even when taxes were due in July). I can take care of MUD if they let me pay them the money LHEAP paid to OPPD instead of them,  around $350 a month to catch up. Oh,  I still owe $500 foot for years house insurance and that will be due again in April. $2,500 but maybe I should ship around for homeowners insurance.  I just went with Progressive because I already had car insurance through them.  First hurdle will be the auto insurance.  Maybe the first of next month?? But that will leave us without any coverage for about 5 days when the current policy with Root Insurance expires. 

The drawing board

 Ok. Seriously working on how to comfortably move Jeanette in here.  That will save us all.  Should Have been done last year. Instead I tried to give Dave and Jami a break and both are still unable to care for themselves but at least I stopped making Dave our problem.  No Clue why I let that go on so long.  It was not,  as Jami says he claims now, because I needed some kind of emotional tampon after Jeremy left.  I definitely Did Not need anyone with No Income to replace what Jeremy was contributing here for sure!! Yes, I did feel that I needed some kind of protection from the Hatefest towards me for telling Jeremy to leave (again, something he Thanks Me for now) (how are the Haters swallowing that?? I do wonder....)  I begged Dave to start pulling his weight but he just wouldn't/couldn't? or maybe thought I would just support him forever. Anyway,  I had Jami to protect me.  I had outside support from Jeanette and her kids and Jami was all I needed within this house.  Moved her in right away when I saw how the wind was blowing and that's a huge part of why she is Still Here.  I do worry how long I can keep on keeping her like this.  The meth use In The House alone should have put her out by now.  And there is No Discussing the issue because she just denies it even tho everyone can smell it and Everyone she has over is a Meth user. The constant mess - she might have more belongings than anyone else in this house.  I am the only one who might have more but I am throwing things away almost every day now.  I am still,  will always be grateful,  for how she took a stand for me! But that shouldn't mean that I let her walk all over me ever after.  Actual,  if she was Really Standing With Me,  she wouldn't be causing me harm.  

I will give Jeanette Free Reign to fix this household since I evidently don't have the back bone to stand up for myself and the kids here. She will be paying at least half of the bills here - something I have NEVER had!!!! (Well, not since Steve) Who knows?? I might even experience having "spending money" again before I die!!!! 

A Big Fat NO

 Oh crap oh crap oh crap!!!!!

I got turned down!!!!!

I'm out of plans, just going to be flying by the seat of my pants now. Ok. Yea. That's what I've been doing my whole life. Pulling rabbits out of empty hats. I just really thought I bought a back up plan when we bought this house.  Sure, I could sell the house.  I would probably lose my Social Security

Or would I??? 

I'm going to check some things out

Holy shit I was Wrong. I would not lose benefits because I am at full retirement age!! I'm almost positive that is true.  I need to check more things,  like,  I might lose my medicaid benefits and What would that mean to me financially??

Maybe. Maybe I can still find a way to take care of all of us.  

One more fat rabbit from that empty hat.

Foot tapping

 I reapplied for a loan at Metro,  I should know within 48 hours. Even with the house as equity i could be turned down because I have NO credit history, I've bought everything cash since Steve. That $200,000 debt he left me kept me from being able to buy anything on payments for 7 years and then I never wanted to be in that position again so here I am.  With NO credit.  

Jeanette is checking her credit score to see if she can cosign. He credit history is kind of a mess but he income is impressive.  Maybe she can help if I need it???

We have to figure out the car situation here and being a loan is about the only way I can see to do that.  

Possible bank loan??

 Metro emailed me that I need to try applying for a different type of loan there,  that I didn't use the application that uses this house as collateral.  So, Maybe?, we might be saved here. 

30 Days in the Hole

 I doubt that I can pull off a Grays Anatomy and give every episode a song title...

Desperate measures.  I finally decided that my only option here is to take out a loan so I tried today AND I WAS DENIED.  I'm just stunned.  Lost.  Every time I have mentioned it to Jami for the last 3 months she has said not to worry,  that she can fix it,  but then it has been just nothing.  She hasn't even been able to pay her way here. I thought she really had an idea that might work a couple of times.  When she said she was doing that Phrendly thing I actually told everyone that Jami had a solution.  When she said she had valuable things she was selling to pay the MUD bill I actually told everyone Jami had a way to fix it. I don't say anything now.  None of her big plans for Tomorrow have been anything.  I have No One to save us. Except Jeanette. Maybe Jeanette could but Jami and her basement full of stuff blocks that.  Right now. I may have to change that. I've told her to get rid of everything and get ready to have a bed in my room so I can rent Jeanette the basement but, so far, Jami is still bringing more and more stuff in this house and has even had us feeding an extra person again. She'll take 2 cups of coffee down in the morning and extra food down to the basement. She says we need to have a meeting about the thermostat settings saying that costs too much money while she has us housing and feeding her friend Mike.  Always someone bring secretly housed back to having people sneak in and out thru the window of her room like a teenager pulling off shit at the last house. She can't ever be confronted because it's just deny deny deny and gets more ugly that it is worth. Probably intentionally?? I don't know. 

I just know ALL OF THESE GAMES HAVE TO STOP.  AND, moving Jeanette in has become my only option if she will do it. Phillip has mentioned it,  too.  I worry a LOT about combining households with them,  they are still Newlyweds!! but they might need it, too,  but a lot world need to be done to become Baby Ready. I would seal off the living room and make it a little room for them. Might have to do that to give Jeanette decent space,  too. This basement is so trashed!!! The photos of it before we moved in just make me want to cry!!!  At least the space Dave was using is fairly cleared.  I give him credit for that.  Zero for laying down there,  fiddling while Rome burned.

I just asked Jami if she really has a plan to save us.  She said that she alrady told me. I asked her to remind me and she said,  "With my disability!" That ofen has been declared all year.  DHHS says she hasn't even really filled.  She swears she has but I Know that can take years even if she did.   I remember now,  she has been saying that she will get it right away because of her deaf ear,  which could still take as long as any,  and I think she did say something about it not being a viable plan if she doesn't qualify for the cochlear implant.  

I have 1300 car insurance,  1100 MID, 1300 house tax,  and 900 house insurance ALL OVER DUE TO BE CANCELLED ANY DAY. PLUS repairing or replacing Kira's car. House repair and upkeep. And just living expense while I do all of that.  Nova and Gabby desperately need shots and Novs needs groomed. (Must have shots first!) I just had to spend $50 on their flea treatments because Jami forgot to treat her cat when the rest of the animals were treated.  She treated Gregory 2 weeks too late and her fleas came upstairs to the pets up here.  My car tags expired last April and I've needed an oil change for Months and there is an issue with spark plug #2 and probably that ignition coil,  too, things that had needed done for almost a year. Oh, and the van needs a new universal joint before I ruin this new transmission.  These are all things that should have been done YESTERDAY. I told Jami and Dave all of this at the beginning of summer.  Dave gave me $70. Jami buys a few things with her food stamps.  I've asked her to use hers to have pork or something on hand because Jess had to cook a lot of chicken meals - it's the cheapest meat! Jami acts offended when Jess keeps making chicken.  We would love to have beef more!! But even cheap hamburger is now  $5 to $6 a pound!! With Jess getting about $250 and me getting $140 in food stamps I really don't know how we eat all month!! Wait.  Yes I do. I have to spend cash for food at the end of the month.  I know Jami must get about the same as Jess but it never seems like she contributes nearly as much as Jess. Does she still get food stamps?? I have no idea.  I know she has no income. I think she has guys buy her cigarettes sometimes,  maybe give her some money.  Sometimes she says Hupp or Toby pay her for helping them.  But No. She is not going to save us except by making room for me to move in people who can and will pay rent.  

Jeremy and others

 He has been really amazing thru this.  And amazed as anyone that I have survived so far!! He hates the way I live here even more than I do.  He even offered me the spare room at his new place!! Again, Crazy Man. I agreed that I might go for a visit but not to stay. He is good with that.  But he has been just absolutely supportive and,  well, he's been Jeremy.  The guy I met who existed before he was exposed to my family. 

I said that "he hated the way I live here more than I do", but it's not all that terrible.  I've been so acclimated to this family that I really didn't realize that my letter begging Jenise and Phillip to stay sounded more like "run like hell!" until I reread it thru Philip's,  or anyone not acclimated's, eyes.  Or maybe he already didn't notice either. They say they are staying but did also say that they were taking me with them if they decided to move so maybe a little bit of the weird darkness got out. 

Jess does try to take care of me in an impersonal way.  It might even seem sincere if I had amnesia.  If I hadn't seen and heard her choose the despised Jeremy over me.  (not talking about my despising!) It very much feels like she is hanging in there until I die and leave her this house. No, I already gave her the house. But,  big little things.  I'm burning up with fever for days, barely able to walk,  and No One brings me a glass of water.  Both time I was in the ER they said I was dangerously dehydrated, gave me IV fluids.  Yes.  I could have asked that Jess or the girls start bringing me drinks. Like I could have Asked that people help me dig my garden.  Pride goeth before death!! I remember thinking of this household watching me outside digging and sawing wood and building my garden bed.  I HATED thinking that I would have to Ask, even Beg, for help.  Jeanette noticed and she doesn't even live here.  I know she would have been here and helped me but she works,  so instead I saw she was on FB trying to find someone to hire to help me. Yes. That CARING was what I need.  I don't have that.  So I do all of my own work,  usually I really don't mind,  and when I can't get up I lay in bed wasting away. 

And.  I. Keep. Living. 

Whenever anyone questions why I don't stop smoking I almost choke, holding back crazy,  hysterical,  laughter. EXTEND this life by giving up one of the Few Things that give me comfort???? 

But,  no, it's not so bad.  Jeremy and I have made sure that I won't be homeless again.  I'm not really at anyone's mercy.  I could have Home Health Care any time.  (Actually, that can end up being forced on me!! Home nurse visit is tomorrow!!) Before we were able to buy this house,  I fully intended to enter a Rest Home by now and be playing bingo and shuffleboard with my dying peers. But now the family could lose the home I am trying to leave for them if I do that.  And I care about that... well, maybe it's just a habit to care about that.  

I have ways of understanding and even caring about the hate both Jess and Jami have for me.  Years ago I googled parents of drug addicts whose addicted children hated and even blamed them for their addictions. And Holy Crap it is so common it is almost a cliche'! I know a LOT of the things both Jami and Jess say happened to them growing up NEVER happened. Jami swearing that Steve and I threw her out when she was 16, wouldn't let her return home after she was committed to Immanuel for pulling a butcher knife on Steve. We both remember clearly sitting by her bed begging her to just come home.  She "remembers" a Completely Different scenario. She remembers Steve "stealing" her tax return in 2008, maybe 2009?? whichever,  it Never Happened but she would swear on her life that it,  and many other things, did. Steve and I tried to keep teenage Jess from Jami but that just made Jami more determined to sneak off with her whenever she could, all the while filling Jess's head with God knows what.  Then Jess started her own time with addiction. She will swear that I made her lose her section 8 housing even tho I was at her house,  banging on the door, calling her phone, yelling for her to please COME OUT and go to her recertification meeting. This was a meth or bath salt phase? 

But what I learned online was this is Very Common. And that nothing will likely ever change any of these beliefs. They have been repeated to fellow users and to themselves until they are simply the truth to them.  At one time I actually thought that the denial of accusations that involve Steve AND me would be some kind of a double verification of the truths when we both said they were wrong.  No. Not at all.  Trying that almost makes it worse.  Then it's a conspiracy.  Pointing out the insanity of the time,  like Jess trying to turn me in for having an unsafe home because I had "deadly dust mites" in the corners of my home.  She brought a guy, obviously very high on meth, to my house saying that he was a Health Inspector!! to look at my dust bunnies. But pointing out anything like that is just "being hateful" and means Nothing.

Jess is at least off drugs. That's wonderful! yet doesn't help either. She still holds her hated for things She Believes.  For example, how we wanted rid of her so badly that we made her a ward of the state and put her in Foster Care.  She has no memory of repeatedly, dangerously!, running away and saying that living Any Where except with us would be better.  And, when she became the first kid in Foster Care here to run away from her foster care home and Come Home we then fought to keep her. Actually hoped that the worst was over.    That is all a Completely Different story from her.  So much!! So many stories!! Many very sad.  How I thought she was fat so I wouldn't buy any "junk food", causing her eating disorders.   I almost never bought junk food in the years on the farm and for many years after because It Is Junk Food. I didn't even know she blamed me for this one until years later when her sister told me.  She was the Baby Of The Family.  Plus,  she was crippled when she was 4 and deaf to boot. We spoiled her as long as she let us.  The girls all had chores growing up.  It was, again, many years,  before I knew that Jess never did hers,  Jeanette did them for her.  So Jess grew up not knowing how to do anything around the house.  (She's been learning since she took over for Jeremy) (but almost exclusively from Google. She still seems to resent and/or reject learning from me) Her friends and their parents thought we were so terrible to her that one of their mothers actually showed up for her court hearing to become a ward of the state,  condescendingly saying, "I am here to support Jessica". 

Jess was a nightmare teenager. In some ways, more so than Jami.  Definitely harder to understand except that we Always knew that she was Different. Couldn't speak to anyone outside of family to the point that the school kept asking if we were sure her hearing had been repaired. I believe that her drug use started as Self Medicating.  It made her able to talk to people. Maybe even feel more "normal". If anyone that we took her to had ever figured out medications that helped maybe she never would have turned to drugs?? I don't know.  

BANDOs

 I kept trying to remember what creepers call abandoned houses when I was writing about the one that keeps trying to kill me.  It's a bando.  

Home nurse visit soon

So hard to get in and out of my bed!!! It is an acrobatic feat.  It feels like if I bend too far I'm going to break.  My legs get worse with the lack of activity every day.  I'm back to square one with the knee pain.  I twist and turn and push with my arms to get past that breaking point.  I use my arms to roll off the bed but I have to get to the edge just right in order to stand up.  It feels a lot like time to just give up.  

I have a home nurse visit next week.  What will i tell her?? I don't know what I will admit to, or what she will be able to See on her own.  

Worried. 

Bathing

 It has become so hard to bathe!! I am going to make or buy something like Mormon temple garments so I don't have to sit naked when I start actually needing help bathing.  I guess I'm already there,  been there,  but I want my garments or something.  A little dignity.  

I can just die.  I've known that for a while.  All my worry,  How will they take care of themselves?? How well they keep this house?? I'm calling BS on myself there. If i had died in that crash or any time,  every one would survive or they wouldn't.  I didn't own a home most of my life and none of them ever have.  And they survive.  I would have just left it in Jeremy's name if I was sure he'd outlive me and his family wouldn't end up with our house, he didn't want that either!! and there is no guarantee that he will outlive me.  I have hope that Jeanette will step in and save the house.  If not,  well, they will all survive however they are meant to.  

No.  I'm not suicidal.  But I stopped really fighting a long time ago. I've made some effort to live to meet Elliot, and,  barring a new disaster! I believe I will.  

Now.  I've put clean sheets on my bed.  I forgot about having a blanket ready but again,  oh well!!

Tree removal

 Little hand saws from Dollar Tree, a big saw, a right handed circular saw, and a rustly, large, hack saw, mostly the little folding hand saw,  and I dug up and removed 3 trees that were destroying my chain link fence.  

Really stupid

 Day before yesterday I was feeling better.  I told Jami I just couldnt so thinking about the plants outside that house, and reminded her of all the loose bricks there that she wanted, so she agreed to go there with me. There is an area terraced up 3 levels,  built with big flat stones.  I was at the top level,  stuck my pitch fork under a big plant and when it popped up I feel backwards bouncing down each stone level to the ground landing on the to of my head. I don't believe I'm was knocked out.  I remember each level bouncing down like in slow motion that was never going to end but Jami swears I was Out. The worst was that I damaged my "good" hand,  the bad hand got a new bump but my left hand was bleeding at the wrist.  I didn't climb back up there but got a few more at ground level and Jami got a couple and loaded them, and the bricks,  in the van.  I knew today would be the worst pain and it was supposed to rain (of course it didn't!) so I put them all in the ground when we got home.  

I was so right about today!! Everything hurts again!! but not from burning fever,  just from pure stupidity.  I need to drag the hose out and water everything in,  (then it will probably finally rain) and I am out of commission for at least today.  Dr. Gold calls still. I didn't tell him.  I'll tell him when I see him,  especially if some part of me is damaged and needs his help.  

Don't Bring Me Down

 I hereby Kick the Hantivirus ass!! I'm not well, pretty far from it! BUT I AM ALIVE.  I should not be.  

Yes. This life right now is miserable.  I can make it out to my garden but then just sit and watch it dying.  But,  I am not dying.  I might even be here next year to try another garden 😄. 

Jeremy was over the top when he heard.  He actually called instead of texting, funny,  when I can barely talk!! But he was ready to jump in his car and come help. I begged him no.  Then he tried to send money.  Crazy man. I was glad we talked,  I was still unsure if I would survive another day,  and we had things to talk and cry about together.  He is the only one who knows our love story before I decided to return to Nebraska to help my "family". He knew what they were like,  not just from what I told him, but he Saw It when Jami and Jess came for Mom's funeral and didn't say a word to me.  He begged me not to go and then refused to let me go without him and that was really the end of us.  I don't know if I really saved any of them but it almost killed Jeremy.  

No. I don't want him back here.  I want him Happy where he is.  

I can live or die here without him.  Funny,  I told him everyone was helping take care of me (which he did not believe) but really,  except for a few visits from my very pregnant Jenise,  no one has visited.  Even the people who live in my house really don't SEE me.  Maybe I live to spite them all?? No,  I live for the few I really matter to.  Jeanette's amazing children,  and more distantly, my daughters and other grandchildren, including Shyloni. Jenise and Riley alone could keep me alive thru Ebola!!! I believe Robby is in there,  too.  I just don't get to see him much.  

"Don't Bring Me Down" by ELO, my song with Leonae until she died. 

Hantivirus, that's what its called

 I just noticed I never named the demon 

Dr Gold called

 Last night he actually called me after hearing what is going on.  He didn't really offer a lot of hope except his past amazement at me surviving the impossible many times, but his fear was very clear,  too. And his feeling of helplessness. He told me to start drinking lots of citrus and let him do more research.  I think I am feeling better today?? Until I try to Do anything,  like walk around. 

But I am very glad he is involved.  It will be Jeanette or Dr. Gold who find the magic cure.  I 100% believe that. Oh, yea, or I will find it myself.  😀

What they say

 When I saw the doctor we went over everything I had been in there for yesterday,  everything Jenise had explained,  and then I told them about The House.  I ended mentioning that I had looked at my test results online but that the chest exray wasn't there.  He said,  "Yea, I know.  There is a dark spot in your right lung that we need a better look at.  We need to do a radioactive dye test". I told him about my allergy thinking he would blow it off not wanting to go through the extra trouble and time to prep me with steroids but he agreed right away.  He said that the fear was that the dark spot was a blood clot or cancer and either of those would need surgery.  I PULLED THRU AGAIN. The dark spot is neither cancer or a blood clot, although they will have to monitor it to make sure it doesn't turn into cancer.  The bleeding is coming from father up.  He saw spots of pneumonia this time.  About The House. Yes. Something there could have caused this and that something could turn out to be fatal.  It takes 3 weeks to test for it and by then,  if it is going to kill you, you will already be dead.  So it is wait and see.  The antibiotics should help the pneumonia and bronchial infection but may do nothing for the rodent dust. If I am still posting here in 3 weeks I'm probably going to beat that,  too. 

Riley has no symptoms yet but we have to watch for him for 1 week for the symptoms that I have and he needs to be treated for parasites. Both of us do, regardless.  Diatrometris Earth should take care of that. 

I'll see you in 4 weeks.

Back in the ER

I left out a story,  in this journal,  and when speaking to doctors in the ER yesterday.  I hope it doesn't matter,  that I am wrong about what is going on. When I called Dr. Jeffrey tiff morning and told her the story she told me to get back to the ER and tell them this story. 

Friday Jami told me that Mike Knowles was hired to clear out a vacated house and that it was full of good things, maybe even a working electric stove for Jess. (Ours barely works) Riley was over after school and heard us talking and wanted to go with.  We went there and the place was in Much Worse shape than we were lead to believe! We still poked around a while,  mostly just looking at all the crap and the mystery of the house.  It looked like the last occupants had died or something.  There were family photo album's scattered in the rubbish.  A VHS player was hooked up indicating this place has been vacated many years ago. We noticed that our hands were filthy and when we blew out noises black crap came out.  We went to his house and washed up.  I told Riley to shower and wash the clothes he was wearing.

The next day my stomach hurt terrible.  Walking bent over crying terrible.  I adjusted to the pain over the next couple of days and when I slipped on the ramp I joked that at least my head now hurt so badly that I didn't notice the stomach pain. Then I started the vomiting,  in the front yard! and Jenise came over when she heard of me falling twice and hitting my head.  She sat with me in my room for a couple of hours and I thought I was feeling better so she went home.

That night I started running fever,  shivering, freezing. By morning I was hallucinating and couldn't walk without assistance.  Jenise took me to the ER. She had to do most of the talking and told them about the fall and then being sick. I was pretty surprised that they checked the fall and the fever- ERs famously treat the most emergent ailment and send you home.  

But we left out the story of that house.   I don't think I was able to really fit it into the picture until last night after I started coughing up blood. 

When I told Jami about the black stuff in our noses she was horrified.  Said she meant to warn us to wear masks and gloves.  That house has sat vacant for over 15 years.  Mce, rats, raccoons and God knows what else have lived and died there.  There is a dead raccoon in a closet! Also, Jami indicated that she might not have been truthful about Mike being hired to clean that house out. She said that there are vacated homes all over the place that people help themselves to.  I went back there with Jami wearing masks and gloves and saw that she was really scared of anyone seeing us there.  That was my first clue.  I'm horrified that I not only possibly exposed Riley to deadly diseases,  I had him trespassing with me while he is on probation for trespassing!!! The fact that I was trespassing is very minor in comparison to everything else. 

So, I'm waiting in the ER. I looked at the possible things that being in that house could have done to us and Phillip, who is an exterminator,  knew even more than I had found about it.  

This one might kill me.  But that has been said So Many times that it would be hard to believe.  Dr. Gold has told me "This is it" twice and other doctors have told me to "make my arrangements" at least three times. 

Coughing up blood is a little bit scary.  I saw the admitting receptionist start rushing my admission as soon as I disclosed that.  

Not Good.

Maybe this is it

 I'm coughing up blood.

Deathly ill?

 I don't think I have ever been sick quite like this before.  Once on the farm,  I had Bells Palsy so I didn't feel the pain when I got pharynhitis. I had a 105 degree fever and terrible vertigo before I knew that I was sick. It looked like everything was just flying around my room,  not in circles around me but just a chaos of movement.  This morning was maybe a little less frightening than that but still terrifying.  I was awake most of the night shivering and freezing,  but I was too weak to get up and even grab my coat hanging on my bedroom door.  I piled my pillows on top of me and shivered under them for hours.  By morning I realized that I needed to take Tylenol and bring the fever down but I kept dropping the pills.  I would see them land on my bed but when I tried to pick them up they would just vanish.  I tried to find my phone and call for help and I would see my phone in different places but every time I reached for it it would disappear.  I realized that I was hallucinating but knowing that didn't help.  I got out of bed to go get help but fell down over and over trying to get to my door.  I did get out of my room at some point and told Jess and/or Kira that I was sick.  I understood that I should go to an ER but argued.  I couldn't drive.  Kira had to go to work around noon. I was still freezing and unsure of everything around me. Kira called Jenise who came and took me to Immanuel.  They probably saved my life. I was so dehydrated from the fever that my blood pressure barely registered and my oxygen was dropping below 80%. I thought that they wouldn't look at the whole picture,  the fall,  possible head injury,  that could cause all of my symptoms except the fever, the possibility that several things were going on with me,  but they listened to Jenise and checked everything.  No brain bleed, just very ill. They suspect it started with a virus but was now a bacterial bronchitis headed for pneumonia.  It was a long wait.  I felt bad for Jenise,  8 1/2 months pregnant! having to sit with me all day.  Then I had another First. I fell asleep while taking to Jenise.  Several times. Passed out, fell asleep, just kept checking out.  Poor Jenise didn't know what to think!!

They let me come home with prescriptions BUT it is labor day and the pharmacies are closed,  of course.  I'm a little afraid to go to sleep tonight but I am prepared this time.  I'm taking tylenol to control the fever and have my big coat on the bed in case I wake up freezing again.  I was hydrated thru an IV at the hospital and I'm making sure to keep drinking.  

I have to survive to meet Elliot. ❤️

A Day

I get up and go outside and then work in the garden and the yard all day every day.  Every day.  Sometimes until after dark.  If I have to drive kids I take them where they need to go and go back to work until I just can't do anything else.  Disabled.  Emphysema.  Arthritis. Ehlers Danlos. Lower heart malfunction.  Hypertension. Interstitial cystitis. Brain microbleed. Spinal Stenosis. Herniated Discs. Cysts in both Knees. I beat the shit out of those things almost every day.  

But somehow it seems like people think I don't do Anything all day every day.  

This family is something else. 

LOSS

 Surely I have not been through any more loss than any one else my age.  Maybe I just really struggle with dealing with Loss. 

My Aunt Johnny started it.  Then my father,  that was a huge one in so many ways! Then my first "crush",  My niece, Linda,  and really her mother,  Terry,  who became Terri after her coma, and was Never Terry again. Then Herbert.  That one almost literal killed me.  I came a hair from following him to the grave.  Jami's best friend,  Sara. Then a string of losses that weren't deaths. Loss of The Church when we found out Oran had stolen All of our daughters innocence.  Another one that almost killed all of us.  It ultimately killed my marriage to Steve even tho we struggled together another 15 miserable years trying Not To Be a statistic.  Losing Jami to addiction.  Huge. Still dealing with That one.  Lost Lindsey when she was only 6 years old to Jami and Mikey and then John,  which ultimately destroyed her.  That one was another that I didn't know if I could survive it.  Losing Steve for real in 2001 that again,  almost killed me,  not only because he was systematically poisoning me,  but I just really actually thought marriage was "till death so us part". I lost my mind for a long time after that one.  

Jeanette visit 🙂

 Jeanette came and stayed a few hours yesterday.  Always great to have he over!! She grounds me sometimes and is anyways teaching me the new things she is learning.  I think i will really enjoy when she finally moves in. 

Riley

 So very proud of my boy!!! He's doing good in the Omaha Street School 😄. He goes every day so far and seems to like it after getting over the strict rules.  He proudly has good grades in all of his class.  It doesn't hurt that they have to order in food, no cafeteria,  and i mean good food that he mostly likes.  And the girls are cute. But he is doing his assignments and says he is LEARNING got the first time in years,  probably since 5th grade!!! ❤️❤️❤️ 

Lindsey ???

 Rumor is that Lindsey is in Ohio, Addie is back with Max, and Bella is with Jake and Lindsey and Jake are divorced.  Not sure about that last one,  wasn't sure they legally got married and then how would they get divorced so fast??  I got all that in bits and pieces from Kira, Jess, and Jami.  I'm afraid for Lindsey.  I think the kids are ok, but both Max and Jake are pretty strange.  Addie acted like a girl who's been molested when she got here from Max. I'm pretty sure the issue is still drugs and maybe the bipolar for Lindsey. Joey disowned me over Lindsey. (Addressing me as "Rhoda" was that,  right??) Joey defended Lindsey fiercely about whether or not she was doing drugs and if the meth in the car when Lindsey was arrested was hers.  Everyone except Joey and Jake KNEW Lindsey had been strung out for Months,  maybe longer? No one but Lindsey and Jami know whose meth was in that car.  I just know how careless it was for her to smoke weed right outside the entrance to A BIG grocery store!! Jami wasn't even in the car,  just Lindsey and a drug dealer.  I knew Lindsey wouldn't get any real Jail Time for it. Small amount,  first offense. I did hope that she might get some kind of Probation period,  drug testing, the would slow her down if not make her Stop. 

Jake was a Hero Man exactly like Mike Manning.  Hero Men believe they are saving women while they are just enabling them.  Is the world full of them?? Probably.  The parallels between Jami and Lindsey are frightening.  Where will this cycle end? Steve and I tried to stop it from starting with Lindsey but Mikey helped Jami take her and here we are.  Will it continue with Addie and/or Annabella?? Will Lindsey find another Hero Man and try to gather her chicks again?? 

I'm afraid for Lindsey but have no idea how to even help her, let alone Save Her.  I never figured out how to "save" Jami. I currently house her but she takes her methadone, smokes her meth,  and does nothing for herself. All her friends are drug addicts. My basement is coated in meth. You can smell it down there. No.  I don't know how to save Anyone.  

Drowned

Heart

 My heart feels funny the last few days.  Rattly. 

Week II

 3 days to Jasmines driving test!! She is driving her car to school and picking up the boys from the Omaha Street School afterwards right now.  Kira's car still isn't ready but maybe today?? 

Figure out the first week

 Jazz doesn't have her license yet and Kira's car already broke down so I don't know how to figure out getting everyone to school and back.  I already messed up today,  I somehow didn't realize that the boys started today.  I had to call Jenise to go get them,  late, because Jazz and Kira were out school shopping with my van.  I was thinking I would give Kira the van until her car is repaired or until she can buy a new one if it can't be repaired and I could use Jazz's car to get her to and from school or let her drive it but then I need a way to get the boys home because Jeanette works 2nd shift. I have the Malibu,  I'd have to get insurance for it again,  but oh my head is starting to just scramble up!! Why can't they just all do Online school!! No,  I wouldn't want that for them,  these should be years they remember for making friends etc. I was hoping the girls would both be legal with their own cars!!! Then I would only be picking up the boys in my vehicle.  

I've been so very bleary again lately! I'm drinking coffee at 6pm trying to wake up and figure things out but I think it's Not making me feel awake,  just kind of ill with my heart skipping around.  I hope I don't try this again!! 

I know Jenise and Phillip are wanting to talk to me,  and tried to call a couple of times while I was resting and she told me when I called her about picking up the boys today that they need to talk to me.  At least she is here if we need her help!! Someone mentioned how convenient Brandon's dislike of me was for them.  I don't think it was schemed like they said but all the years I spent taking care of Jessalynn thinking she would influence and maybe help with the younger kids didn't matter in any way at all.  Jessalynn did good and settled in Lincoln and has an excuse to not even help with her mother.  Not that we need help.  Jeanette and I have planned that Jess will Always be taken care of but I know she wishes Jessalynn was around more. Those years when Jessalynn called and texted me all of the time, I hated that Jess wished it was her.  When Jeremy accidentally caused the first rift with them that was the silver lining - Jlynn started talking to her Mom more and Jess was Happy. I was in pain like when John first took Lindsey away but that made it better.  That pain still weirdly hits once in a while. Just out of the blue I'll have a memory of Jlynn that hits me in the gut and takes my breath away.  I don't ever cry about it any more.  It's just that sucker punch but not too often. No, then I see Brandon's face saying that he wouldn't apologize for being disrespectful.  How happy he was to finally say something like that to me out loud. His eyes just Danced with glee because it was just him and me in the room so he could gloat. Long ago, I told Jeremy that Brandon never forgave me,  yes, while I was waiting to get an apology,  and I did apologize to Jlynn, anyway,  I KNEW. Jeremy said I was imagining it but, even tho Brandon is a very good liar, he would make a great defense lawyer! but I could feel it. It was in his eyes, in the way he said "Grandma",  just glaring at me but so skillfully hidden from others that they couldn't see it. I still responded,  gave him medicine for his joint pain, planned his birthdays, sewed his clothes, and waited for when it would come out in the open.  His big closing statement.  And wow. Some would think he was one of those guys who want to isolate their girlfriend from her family to control her but,  and it could just be my prejudice against him, me thinking he is too weak to control anyone, but I don't think that was it.  IF it Really was about Jeremy I would just howl with laughter.  Well,  except that it is the excuse not to visit Jess, nothing funny about hurting Jess, but Jeremy is So Much Happier and so thankful to be out of all this!!! And we still love each other like we always did. Let the haters figure that out!! Jeremy had to be shoved out of the nest. 10 years of asking him to go home had no effect.  He is sorry for both of us that he drug it out 10 years. I told him It's ok. I understand.  We both understand Why it was so scary and hard for him to leave. He's even glad to be at a distance from all of these grandkids!! The responsibility of them was just crushing him.  

Ok. I'm stalling now.  I have to figure out the school rides. 

I got the music in me

 I lost all my music when I had the brain bleeds.  I can't hear music in my head any more and couldn't play a single chord on the guitar.  Until tonight.  I was on YouTube and there was a guy playing a guitar and I saw a G chord and then said "I can do that!" I got out my guitar, tuned it, and PLAYED. At 1 am! I had to chop off the fingernails on my left hand and my fingers felt like they were bleeding after a little while but I CAN DO IT!!!!!!

YEA! "They" said I wouldn't get back lost information, that my brain died every where blood touched and the 3 bleeds took chunks of my memory,  the ability to convert short term to long term memory,  and music.  I've been working on the memory issues,  I play mind games to move things to long term memory that work about half the time so far but I haven't really worked to get music back.  I sat at a keyboard one day and after about an hour my hands started playing "Long Long Ago" but I haven't had much time to try again.  I was scared to get out my guitar.  I figured I would just never play again but I just DID. I love it!! Can't believe I wasn't grieving more about losing it but I had just decided to be thankful to just survive an aneurysm and then 3 brain bleeds. I love the tone of the guitar. Love feeling the music vibrate through me.  I have missed this So Much!! 

Riding with Kira to the DMV

 This isn't going as planned. With the musical cars with Jeanette i planned to get my van from her before she went to work but she thought the test was tomorrow and went into work early.  Kira is driving to the DMV to hopefully get used to driving Netts van.  And hating it and bitching all the way. I do admit this is hugely stressful for her,  she really hates when her plans don't work and this is a Big One.  She's telling me I don't care enough about her getting her license which is hilarious! I want her to start driving her car on her own more than I want Anything right now!!! "Teaching" her to drive had been a teeth gritted, knuckles clenched nightmare!!!! Riley will be easier than this has been and he terrified Jenise when she took him driving.  And adding her to my insurance was $270 more a month and could end up higher if she doesn't do well on her 30 day "test drive ". She lowered my score on the test drive,  my insurance is going to go up from that. 

Ok. We're here.  I'm still a little worried about whether or not they're going to let her take the driver's test in a van that's just purchased without tags.

Ok. That's not going to be an issue.  She's about to start 🤞🙏

Oh God! Poor girl! I got out and left it running and she tried to start it,  made a terrible noise and died. I'm sure that rattled her!!!!

SHE PASSED!!! 

Like musical cars

 What a day. I was going to Jeanette's to help with her plants and Jenise was meeting me there to visit.  Jenise's car wasn't there when I pulled up so I thought she'd had to leave early but no,  he car got towed! And the asshole towed it because she was parked behind Jeanette and he wanted to take her new van because she hasn't tagged it yet, she just bought it and was told she had 30 days, but that place is ALWAYS out to get her!! He came back for Jeanette's car but I took it and left the van so he had to leave BUT thank God he didn't notice that my vans tags are expired!!! I didn't really think about it until Jeanette texted me about it.  Poor Jenise had to scrape together $200 to get her car back!! The whole thing just SUCKS. Jeanette put her old tags on my van for tonight.  I can't get tags until Monday but I won't have money for it if it gets impounded!! It feels like my head is going to explode.  

JEANETTE NEEDS TO MOVE.

Cars

 Still worried about the cars everyone bought.  Worried that I approved every one of them and the odds are against all 3 being a "good deal". I still need to have someone look at Jazz's.  I Wish I had thought to roll down the windows and Listen to the tires/brakes! Something is dragging,  i think on the passenger side front? Meezy stopped by yesterday and said he will help what he can but that he's been having money trouble,  which we knew,  but I know he will do what he can.  He is just so impressed that she saved so much so fast!! and he is pleased with her choice.  

Whenever the new cars are road ready I need to retire mine until I can get it fixed.  It desperately needs an oil change, plates!, and maybe the #2 ignition coil?? and it,  and I!, need a break.  Oh,  and probably a new Universal Joint. Some little things that I am lucky haven't turned into big things.  Yet. 

2 more cars in the family

 Did I mention that Jeanette got a new/ used van? I know I didn't write that Kira bought a car.  She got a Hyundai Sonata. It needs little work that we know of, brakes and tires,  and I hope that is all.  I'm really terrified for these girls buying their cars.  Too many times we've had really bad surprises!! The first car I bought Jeremy wasn't a surprise,  i bought it knowing it needed a new transmission. The surprise was that it didn't seem to need anything else 😀. Well,  not that we found out before he totalled it. My van was a surprise transmission repair.  The worst was Steve buying a car without a test drive many years ago and it didn't have a motor in it!! I hope that was the worst.  Jazz is looking at a Rogue, the car I wanted when I bought the van! We always have to worry about the transmissions and sometimes the front end.  

Kira's car is really cute,  it looks good on her! and is a blue color that probably pisses off the aliens but it matches her eyes.   My favorite used car was a Hyundai.  I worry a LOT about her wrecking it! but that will or won't happen.  Kira worries way to much about her music playing for a new driver.  

Oh and Dave lost his car.  He has been driving it with expired plates almost since he got it.  The title burned with their home and I did tell him to apply for a replacement title but he is a king of procrastination like most drug addicts.  He said he didn't know how he would get it out of impound and I said,  Well, you won't.  By the time he could get a title the impound fee would be way more than the car is worth.  I was just telling him he was going to have to move out and move on when this happened and I still am going to have to.  He won't do anything until he absolutely has to and maybe not even then.  Jami talks about how Dave hasn't done anything he said he would but neither has she.  Similar problems.  A lot of the pot calling the kettle black there. Jami just has an advantage over him because she is my daughter.  I told her she is going to have to move in my room with me and Dave has to leave so I can move Jeanette in.  I don't think She believes it?? Both of them,  if I say anything like that,  do/ say what they think will stop it.  Dave will mow the lawn.  He once gave me $70. Both will talk about the money they are "about to make".  But they have just sat down there while I have sunk into this debt hole.  I'm $5,000 in the hole Today and it's just getting worse.  

And OH OH OH!! Yesterday I thought I was going to have a heart attack!! I went out back and noticed that my 6 little lilac trees were all ripped out of the ground!!! It LOOKED intentional but I'm 99% sure that it wasn't.  Just a very stoned,  careless,  person,  probably Dave?? He and Jami were both working in the yard.  Jami was tending her little watermelon bed and Dave was mowing and weedeating. (Jami says he actually told her that he hoped I was noticing how helpful he is!!) If it was still blazing hot the lilac would all be dead.  As it is there is a chance that a couple of them will survive.  I carefully replanted them all using aged manure and humus and maybe that will save some of them. I have been super excited about finding them in the alley behind Zestos with Jenise last spring and getting 6 of them to transplant! I was sure we would have lilac sweetening the Air next spring. I couldn't wait for Jeanette to see/smell them!! Every spring since the farm I have searched for them and picked bouquets for her. And for me! Lilac sell for   at least $30 each for starter trees/bushes so I figured out how to get some going for free. 

SIGH.

 I'm looking at a new knee repair idea. I don't know much about it,  maybe it if only be too me,  but I am supposed to talk to them tomorrow.  It looks like coating the jagged bones with plastic? Which,  if it is,  then you wonder about the plastics leaching into the body BUT I'm not looking for a long term plan,  just enough to not be helpless or miserable for my last few years.  

Jeremy

 In really glad he fully admits that he is happier and would never want to move back here. He gets that it was always what was best for him the whole 10 years i was telling him he should GO Home. I used the whole mess to finally accomplish that and he even gets that.  He was scared to go,  afraid of change,  even tho he was absolutely miserable here.  He never missed a chance to say how much he hated Nebraska the whole time he was here. He always said Texas was where his heart was but I don't really think it was/is. It was just what he Knew.  No, Missouri with Scott on his farm isn't where he really wants to be either! but it's better than here and he plans to move on to Oklahoma ASAP. He has a 2 bed 1 bath apartment lined up through the Cherokee Nation for $300 a month which leaves enough for Katana and him to live pretty well.  Plus he has been doing some work under the table and will probably keep doing some of that.  Jeremy misses the kids but absolutely doesn't miss having any responsibility for them and you can't blame him for that!

ROOT

 This insurance sucks.  There is a 30 day "test drive" where everything is monitored and I cant touch my phone even at red lights or at all when the girls are driving. Kira and I both hit a curb yesterday so my score so far is 8 out of 10. I'm going to have to find a different insurance company. 

Jess Perioral Dermatitis

 I finally got Jess to see a doctor about her rash.  Still no medicaid,  but i got her into Charles Drew,  no copay first visit,  then it will be $30, probably the best deal I can find for her right now.  I'm not sure if county help still exists or if it would even help her.  It's an oddball diagnosis,  meaning no one is sure what causes it OR how to treat it.  It looks like they have only decided what to call it.  The main recommended antibiotic online is Tetracycline,  at least not something we have tried although Doxycycline is a derivative of it.  I just hope it works.  The med was about $50 - something is not getting paid!! but I HAD to do this!! She has been miserable and it has just gone on for too long!!

Pray this works.  Jeanette and I are pretty much all Jess has to help her.  Meezy will help with the money but I truly hate asking him to help her.  I do hate that Jess might just learn that doctors don't nearly have all of the answers.  I remember how frightening that was to realize for me and then for Jeanette.   

In the Hole

 I don't know how to dig out of this mess. 

$1,050 house INS by September

$1,400 house tax due July

$2,000 owe Kira Cheer

   $170 tags NOW

   $500 to  $5,000 to fix the van

$2,500 INS due next April

And supporting a house of six on Social Security!!

Riding with Jazz

 I do a lot of this.  Jazz has been driving us all the way out to get Jeanette most nights.  When I'm in bad shape I just think

All I have to do is drive to Runza, Jazz will do the rest

and it is getting us thru this 

Sunday night

 Philip's car was repossessed so Jenise has to get her car back from Jeanette so here we go - lots of driving and hoping the van holds up and i don't get pulled over for the tags again.  I can't see how to get out of this hole!! 

My car insurance just tripled from the girls' permits. I'm drowning. 

Kira's truth

 When Kira says things like that she lives the most deprived life, we are the poorest family, i react Wrongly. I think those things are Her reality,  whether they are an actuality or not. I react defensively when I try to point out that there Are definitely more deprived people instead of looking at Her current vision of Her world.  Especially since we let her go to Burk and definitely since we let her go into cheer.  At the time it seemed like the best thing for her.  It might really have been the best thing for her.  Even Jessalynn didn't think Kira would do well at North. She just shrank away at McMillan.  So,  yea,  she became a Burk cheerleader.  I don't think i thought about how much of this family really don't like cheerleaders!! Way more likely to think of comedies about them and stereotypes that are,  to most of the family,  and maybe in general,  spot on. How else do they become stereotypes?? I don't know.  But Jeremy and I made this happen for her when we weren't really able to afford it.  We robbed Peter to pay Paul, (I think meaning the rest of the family did without) and used windfalls to get her to this point. Then this year I can't afford it.  How much does that effect the way Kira respects and how she treats me? Maybe more than I have realized?? Kira acts spoiled and entitled. But we let her join a group that is notorious for those things.  I'm pretty sure that we somehow thought she would KNOW we went way out of our league to do it,  but that was asking too much of her. Wasn't it?? That would explain the way things are now.  But it becomes like looking at conspiracy theories that might be true. It like Trump's presidency.  Feeling helpless to do anything about it.  Maybe i can't.  But I can try harder to understand it. "What you understand you command". No. That quote is not always true.  But it's close to the truth,  thank you, Kriss. If I Could only figure out how to talk to Kira... I know I am sucking at this.  It is so much harder than talking to other kids.  

I can't help but compare Jami's daughters. Everyone does,  even Jami. They do seem to have a lot in common for kids that mostly did not grow up together. It sparks a lot of conversation about Nature vs Nurure. But maybe i put more than I should into this pigeon hole with Kira.  I wonder that about Lindsey,  too. Looking at Kira and Joey I think that Lindsey could have turned or exactly like she did if Mikey and Jami hadn't done what they did with her. The drug life, not going to elementary school. But that just feels like a Huge reach!! Of course those years negatively changed her!! But, did they change the outcome?? Did Jeremy,  Jess, and I change Kira's?? Is she difficult because of the cheer culture we let her in or would it be like this,  or worse!, without it?? I don't know the answer to this about Lindsey or Kira.  I will discuss how Jami's girls are alike while being angry at Jami,  Mikey,  and John for the things that happened to Lindsey after they took her from Steve and me.  And there were some really bad things! the grief over it is not misplaced.  But how much did it have to do with who she is now?? I don't think I can fully  judge that.  And I don't think i really even considered it until this morning.  

I will work on this if I remember. 

Gabriella

 How cruel all around to fall in love so close to the end!! And she loves me,  too. Twice now I have been chosen,  both in the twilight of my life!! What the hell!! Obi, I was 100% sure that she would outlive me!! I worried about her pain because,  besides Kirk, she only loved me,  and somehow I outlived him,  too. And I was sure I would drop dead from the pain losing Obi! But I survived,  and now I have my Gabriella.  My sweet Gabby. At least she Will love another,  I don't believe I'm exclusive with her, God, I hope not!! And sad as I am too have her so late in life she brings me such pure Joy!! Nothing confusing,  no doubts, no mixed feelings to sort. I love her dearly and she Loves Me!! Nothing else is as pure and clear in this world.  Thank you God!! 

BRIDGERTON

 OMG there's going to be a season 4!!!!

4th of July

 We missed going to Ralston again. Besides the funk I was in, no one in the house wanted to go.  Jeanette,  Jenise,  and Phillip would have gone with me,  but also it still felt sad. Jeremy has always been a big part of it and,  even more, I remember So Much Kirk loving the Family Day.  But Jess had told me there were several firework shows around. scheduled for today, and one of them was at Eagle Run, near Jeanette.  Rob was supposed to show up and take Riley out to see fireworks but he bailed on him (drinking again/still??) and when Nett called me about that I told her about Eagle Run and we made some fast plans.  Crap.  I already don't remember exactly what those plans were!!! I think just Dave went with me? Maybe Dave and Jami?? I drove to Jeanette's and she followed me,  or maybe I followed her?? whatever,  we followed others and then found a really good viewing place between two big, nice,  houses in a cul-de-sac and watched the fireworks together.  So. We,  a tiny bit of family,  celebrated the 4th together.  🤎

Trump, Diddy, OJ, Oran

I just spent hours outside working in the yard. I was digging and digging until I guess I had a blister in the middle of my hand and I just kept working till I busted it and made it bleed over and over and I couldn't stop. I'm so f****** depressed. I look around. Donald Trump is President and he's a bad man. OJ Simpson killed his wife and we found him innocent. Diddy, he is a bad man and he got away with it. I don't understand. I don't understand the world we live in and sometimes I think I don't want to understand if that's what I've got to understand. And I feel like I tried so hard to be a good person yet I have more people who hate and despise me than love me. I don't understand the world. I don't understand how it works. I don't know why it's the way it is or what it's supposed to mean. I'm a mess I think Diddy just set it off for me

I left out Oran Skaw. He was running through my head the whole time I was working, too. Another bad man who got away with it. Hurt my girls and tore my family apart. Got away with it.  What is wrong with this world?

I don't much want to be a part of it any more.  I can't play.  I don't understand the rules.  

Kira driving me crazy

 I've taught a lot of kids to drive and Never had problems like I have with Kira.  I spoke to her today about why she really needs to take drivers ed from an instructor, a stranger. She should be way ahead of where she is driving!! I'm afraid it is just our bad relationship. Mostly since Jeremy left but really there has been something Bad there for a While.  It just all makes me very,  very,  sad. 

I admire and am proud of so much in Kira!! She has good morals, really cares about Being Right, and,  right or wrong, she is not afraid to take a stand fit what she believes.  She works very hard at the things she wants to accomplish like how she will go over her cheer routines over and over to get them perfect.  There is so much good in her!! But there is darkness and confusion in her,  too. Her foul mouth makes your ears bleed and it has become her language when happy, sad, excited, or angry. Every emotion is expressed wrapped in language that would make a sailor look like the pope. I believe that comes from someplace Dark. And it is frightening that there is a similarity in all of Jami's children that I know of that is hateful, entitled, and without empathy. I think Joey might be different in this, the empathy, but Lindsey and Kira don't seem to be able to Know what animals and children want and need. Kira has shown some desire to learn how to know if an animal is happy but it has been a very long road and a lot of damaged pets to get her to that point.  I KNOW this is not a good sign. Today Jeremy and I were talking about how Kira would sit and rock for HOURS for YEARS growing up.  How we would point it out to DHHS and CPS and they would just blow us off. Did That turn into this??  Did not acknowledging that this was a problem turn into the problems she has now??? I would send her to Jeremy if he knew any more than me about how to help her but he says he is just lost, too.

We can't lose her!! But how to reach her????

I do hear that feeling Entitled is common in her generation.  What will happen to the kids with that issue?? Will life just some day just slap them in the face with the reality that NO One "deserves " anything? If that theory only in religion?? But even if it is, religions are of tour world . Maybe some will get everything they feel entitled to and they will just feel like they were right,  that they WERE owed by the world.  Would that even be a Good Thing?? I don't think isee that for Kira. Maybe for some kids born into rich families who just give them everything they want all of their lives.  I don't I would even want that life.  It would be hollow. Devoid if the amazing feeling that you Accomplished something.  How truly awful! So,  then a Rude Awakening for all the other kids. Like Kira.  She anyway f eels so Ripped Off coming from a family that has to work for everything.  She says she is the Only Kid She Knows who has to work and buy their own car. I believe she means that.  How much does that feed into her resentment?? She bemoans that

Nett's birthday party

 ...somehow went off beautifully. Jeanette was 3 hours late, I wondered if that was a record for her and everyone said no but no one could name later time.  I was scared of it being a disaster mostly because Jess had been preparing for the day for over a week and started prepping 3 days before.  The only thing wrong with the meal was the potato salad,  my big contribution! but no one could figure out exactly what was wrong with it.  Today it hit me  - I didn't remember adding the boiled eggs because I didn't! 🫤 Jess made 2 cakes, the German Chocolate one Jeanette requested and then one of her fancy masterpieces and they were both fantastic.  There was no friction or conflict, just Family together ❤️.  Jenise and Phillip came early and helped set up.  

OMG we were sitting on the deck taking a break and Phillip said,  "Grandma, don't panic or move" and I just froze.  He knows better than anyone how terrified I am of wasps after last summer and he saw one land on my leg and then onto the cigarette in my mouth.  My eyes must have been huge when I saw it!!! "Phillip said,  "Now just drop it" and I opened my lips and let the cigarette fall and the little asshole flew off.  I said how they didn't seem to know me,  recognize me, any more and Phillip smugly said,  "That's because I killed all of those!" and he can be smug all he wants because that's so true!!

Back to the party.  It was all I could hope for for Jeanette and for Jess. For all of us. A truly Great Day. 😆💓❤️💞💕💗💕💕❤️❣️

Our Riley, ❤️!

 Nett was at work Wednesday night and saw a gang banger friend of Riley's trying to steal her car.  The fuel pump is out,  he just got it into the street and left it.  She texted me about it when she got home and I called and said I was coming over,  bringing Jami and Dave to at least push her car back in the driveway.  She didn't call the police because,  well,  they are scared of this guy!! She was Hot Pissed off and so was I and both of us wondering what Riley knew.  I called Riley on the way.  He wasn't "in on" it but kept insisting the boy was his "homie" and that he was sure he wasn't stealing Nett's car!! It took me forever to understand this! I've thought that Riley's Probation Officer was saying that Riley didn't understand right and wrong, or even his Miranda rights, I thought she was just saying that to get him off.  I was in Big Time denial that it was true! So Riley is telling me the guy was just going to drive the car a little and I'm screaming at him that driving without permission is STEALING and we aren't understanding each other.  I pull up and bust in the house where Nett is yelling the same things at Riley and I finally hear Jami who had been trying to shut me up all the way in the car on the phone "MOM! YOU ARE FUCKING UP!! HE CANT TAKE THIS! MOM!!! HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND!!!" and I finally stopped and Heard Her.  Nett came outside with us and we all took a beat and let Riley,  who was crying now,  retreat to his room.  Jeanette said that she had actually called him a Retard!!! OMG I'm so glad I'm not the one dealing with That guilt!!!!!! But I Never would!! Period. Robby came out and we pushed the car up the drive into the range of the ring cam and Riley came out and took off walking.  I asked Jeanette where he was most likely headed and she said to Jackson's house in Elkhorn. Jami, Dave and I loaded up and I used 360, with them as look outs, to find him. We caught up with him around 135th and Maple. Jami asked him to get in, and he said no, so she said that I wouldn't say another word to him if he would get in and let us give him a ride. That or the fact that it was raining made him get in. He was talking, saying how very badly his mom hurt his feelings and that he still didn't understand what the deal was BUT also he thought his mom just shouldn't treat him that way and call him Retard. Jami and Dave agreed with him, told him Nett felt terrible and that we all love and want to help him. Near Jackson's house we ran into Jackson walking to meet him. When Riley got out he came to my door and hugged me 3 times telling me that he loved me and that he Knows that I Love him. The next day I texted Jeanette that we should get together and Love Bomb Riley and figure out how to help him and keep him safe.  She agreed. But then at 3 am Riley called me crying his guts out, said his mom came home from work yelling at him, calling him retarded more, threatening to turn him over to his PO, saying Riley doesn't love her. I offered to go get him but he didn't want that.  I texted Nett, didn't say I was talking to Riley, just asking what was going on. I'll copy it in here maybe!? I don't remember how it went but she did say she didn't believe that the boys love her. She says that ofen. I told her, always tell her, they love her more than anything in the word, AND THATS ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!! but she can't believe it right not.  Some of it is her own insecurity, but it also is just the boys being teenagers. I was on the phone with Riley till 5 am. We talked about him coming to stay with me for a while and I think he might.  Maybe he and Jeanette just need a break.  Then I slept most of the day,  until Jenise called from work saying that Robby has texted her that Riley was in big trouble but Robby deleted the message before she read it all and she was about to leave work to go check on them.  I told her no,  that I was already headed out the door,  and I was.  100 mph down 680 and slightly slower on Maple Street. I think I broke Philip's 10 minute record getting there.  Jeanette was just leaving,  I passed her in the trailer park exit. We both stopped and I said I was stopping to check on the boys for her.  She said something like that they needed checked on,  looked stressed and pissed. I told her I would handle whatever it was.  I got to Nett's and Riley was crying and flipping out,  Robby was trying to talk to him but saying the wrong things to help (like all of us do at times) but I was IN TUNE this time and I went in Riley's room and sorted it out. It was a lot more than the issue with his mother! - Jackson has been his best friend for a long , long, time, and he texted Riley after Riley got home that afternoon that he hated him,  that Riley was weird,  that they weren't friends, that he was coming to fight.  So I get Riley talking about what all they did today and he just kind of by and by mentioned that Jackson had a girlfriend and this girlfriend was around today and that she had asked Jackson for Riley's phone number! When Riley said that I told him, "There is your problem! Jackson didn't just suddenly start hating you, he is jealous!". Riley said "How could he be jealous? He didn't even know that his girl started texting and calling me after that!??" and I said "Riley, that doesn't matter! She asked him for your number he's jealous!". That's that. And there's no problem with Jackson beating Riley up cuz, truthfully, I could probably beat Jackson up! that's not even the issue. The issue was losing somebody who had been his friend for that long while dealing with all this from his mom. And no, I don't understand if his mother keeps saying that he's retarded, I just don't get that. She felt so bad about that last night! I don't know what's going on with that, I just know that I was there to help Riley right then.  I asked Riley what I should do, did he want to go home with me? and he said, not yet. So then Robby wanted to go to Keegan's house and I told him I would take him to give them some space from each other and give Riley some time alone to cool down. I texted Jeanette that I was doing that and she seemed okay with it so I hope it's over, peaceful, there, for now at least. I need to get Riley to stay over here a while or go stay with Jenise or something. They need some space there. 

I used voice texting for the last part of this so people's names are spelled wrong but I'll go back and fix that later when I fix all the typos I made before I started doing this and when I fix all the times this voice text thing didn't understand exactly what I was saying but I think I just wanted to get this story in here before I forgot it cuz it's something I have to deal with and can't forget.

I love this little family SO MUCH!!!!! Every one of them mean the world to me.  

Im going to try to call Riley.

ER - DID THAT

 Yea,  it got so bad I actually went.  The thrush started blocking my throat,  breathing and swallowing were becoming a thing of the past,  and I wasn't quite ready to Be a thing of the past.   

One small thing - I lied about what might have caused my condition.  I wanted it treated right away without any time delay complications.  I know thrush This Bad without a direct cause i.e. steroid or antibiotic use,  can be a big Red Flag. I will make an appointment soon to look for those little details.  I wanted/ needed immediate help with the immediate issue. I have 3 weeks of medications to keep this under control until I can take care of whatever tests I need.  I don't have HIV, cancer,  maybe??,  (could explain the weight loss!) but the most likely culprit would be that my glucose is off again.  I'll start testing for that myself today.  

But oh oh oh!! This Dr, Lauren at Benson CHI isn't my favorite, even tho I have to admit she is one of the most thorough in urgent care, and maybe the most current on medication and some disease information,  but she gave me the diflucan i4 always have to fight to get AND she recommended that I try Clortrimizan Lozenges instead of the normal nistatin. First,  it tastes SO MUCH better than nistatin!!! (like those old candy cigarettes!😀) but I believe it might work better, too! I didn't even know that athletes foot cream came in pill form or that it would be delicious!!  The pain was Way Less right away but kicked back up after a couple of hours and I was sad about that until I looked and saw that they are a 5 times a day med!!! I told Jeanette right away,  she has yeast problems even worse than me! and she hasn't heard of it either.  She jumped right on that detail that I shouldn't even have this issue this badly.  But she also went straight to me needing glucose testing.  Whatever.  Maybe this will help both of us.  

I do get thrush from time to time but this was different. I was driving yesterday and my back hurt terrible and then my lower abdomen until I realized that the familiar feeling was Exactly like menstrual cramps with a bad yeast  infection + endometriosis, except I don't have a uterus or ovaries or, hopefully! endometriosis.  Hmm. Need more government funding for research.  

Triple dose of stress ~ I AM BROKE.  Not a little short on cash.  BROKE. Need to get out on a street corner with a sign BROKE. I've even been figuring out what verbage I would use for my sign.  Kira put gas in the van last night,  Jazz already did,  and there are 5 days of this month left...  I just HATE THIS. Paying the house insurance at $530 a month is killing me and as soon as I finish that for the year I have to find $1400 for property taxes in July and then in a few months I'll have to start paying on the next $2500 house insurance!!!!! I know i need to get some kind of a job but that is not possible with being Uber for the girls.  They plan to buy cars (with the money they have saved while I've gone broke!!) by September but I don't think either of them can see the reality of buying their own gasoline,  car insurance,  and car maintenance and I will be asked to help them or keep driving them after September.  Hoping that Jessalynn would some day pay that forward was so ridiculous!! SHE doesn't grasp or care that I was even helping her. Ever. I just needed to mature and learn to talk and think like an adult like her. Patronizing says it all.  (Yes. I knew who/ what she was long ago. I just need to Stop thinking that people will rise above who they have been.  Foolish.) (The only way she Rose Above was to get a clear view of looking down on me! 🤣) kira is a bit like her but more honest about it and innocent in her thinking.  Kira tells me it is my OBLIGATION to drive them so they can make money, and she truly believes that! which tops just not giving a shit. Jeanette, Jazz, Jenise and even Riley  understand a little gratitude.   So I myself don't mind doing with even less to help them! But there is no robbing Peter to pay Paul even possible right now. Peter, Paul, and Mary are broke.  So WHAT TO DO. And of course Jeanette's car is broke down right now!! Jenise and Phillip have been helping her but they might not be able to after tomorrow.  I used to borrow from Meezy, and pay him back!! but he unfairly acts like JESS owes him if he helps me,  anything to get his hooks back in her!!     I am probably going to try to make a deal with Jazz but only if I can make it profitable to her in the long run,  pay her a high interest on the loan.  I have things I can sell,  maybe make an Ebay store? but that's not immediate help.  I'll also find out when Jami gets paid and I know Dave will come up with whatever he can.  He should be able to start working again but I don't think he'll get daily pay! So. Here. I. Sit.  Yea! I've lived to 67!!  BOO! HISS! It's Way More 😩 than joy!!

ER Time

 I just need time to go to the ER!! I feel terrible, thrush, sharp sharp headache in front like the aneurysm,  low abdomen pain,  what the hell - i don't even understand having the thrush. The rest is too much.  But when to get help?? I should have just gone after i picked up Jazz from work.  Then Kira has cheer in the morning and then I start helping Nett with transportation between driving the girls to and from work - i wish I could just give Nett the van for her to do it all but that wouldn't work with he work schedule and the girls work schedules. Maybe i can go to an urgent care while Kira is at cheer practice in the morning.  

Shoulda gone tonight.  Maybe still should.  Don't think I will sleep.  I've hardly slept the last 3 days.  This sucks. 

5 am

 One of those nights.  No sleep.  I just wish the sun would come up so I can tend the garden.  The watermelons popped up yesterday 🙂 I hope they make it.  2 more zucchini,  green ones,  are sprouting and I have 3 new cucumber sprouts and a lot of carrots and radishes coming up.  I'm stagger planting some things in case the first ones peter out or just don't work. I do love doing all of this!! I love that it keeps me outside,  too. 

I go a little crazy with not being able to control how much I spend on utilities, groceries and household things. When I tried to start using the AC late to save money Jess and Kira got so angry 😠 that I gave up.  Nova pooped on Kira's bed and she actually complained that she was freezing in her room without her thick blanets!! I'm freezing right now. And I'm the one paying for this!! No. I don't say anything about the AC or the heating in the winter or about buying coffees that are to me ridiculously expensive. Elaborate meals that cost over $20 to prepare all the time.  Name brand almost everything. No.  I just go out and work in the yard every day that I can walk that far and it isn't raining.  I thought i might not be able to handle the recent 100 degree days outside but it wasn't so bad.  I was out of the house. 

Jami the hero

 Yep. Jami took one for the team today and got my van fixed.  Kind of a joke there. She Did get a friend of hers to fix the van, but she didn't even have to offer anything in return.  Yes,  Nett and Jami have been known to offer favors for helping me,  but they never pay up more than they would have wanted to,  it's not prostitution!! but sometimes they have used their wiles to get things done.  Riley says he doesn't have a problem with the system. He says if guys are doing things and expecting more than they get for it that's their problem 😅! These kids can Crack me up!! But Jami looked at the van last night and told me she was sure I didn't ruin it, that the worst news would be if it needed a water pump but she was pretty sure it was just the thermostat (things I would have realized if I hadn't gone into panic mode!) (Hell,  I taught her what to look for!!) and Mike Boyles confirmed the diagnosis and then replaced it this morning 😁. M. Boyles helped me get thru Jami's coma,  he has been thru the same, and he messaged with me and kept me somewhat calm. Yes,  he's a Meth man, I'm pretty sure that everyone Jami knows is,  but he's a decent one from what I have seen.  

Oh, and Mike says that the way I got it home,  stopping and letting it cool whenever it got to 240 degrees, and several times it was 250 by the time I could pull it over, but he said that I saved the van from getting too much damage doing that.  Tip I have to remember but hope I never need to know it again...

So, I have a vehicle again and can go back to being Uber for the kids.  

Did I REALLY want this???? I guess so.??

Today I became Aware

 of how vulnerable I truly am. Almost helpless.  The van started overheating.  It would shoot up to 250 degrees within a few blocks so I drove home from 50th and Ames stopping every few blocks to let the motor cool.  It was 100 degrees today,  too hot to have the windows down.  Also too hot to have the heat full blast,  but I did to try to keep the motor cool. And there I sat, pausing over and over in places I would never choose to be,  old, can barely walk,  no weapons or even mace.  Alone. When finally got home I just shut myself in my room and cried.  Horrified that I had been afraid.  And Aware. 

Reality truly sucks.

PT w/Dr. J

 I started PT today for me knee and I am hopeful for the first time in s long time that I could be able to walk every day again.  Dr. Jay explained everything very clearly and then explained what he plans to do.  The ball joints in my knees are roughened and scraping when I move.  He wants to train the muscles around them to do more of the work when I move to stress the ball joints less.  Maybe.  

Maybe this will work. 

The girls in Lincoln

 The girls are in Lincoln for a few days,  I believe to help them move. The house feels STILL with them gone.  With Dave and Jami sleeping days it feels like is just Jess and me here but,  weird,  the house doesn't feel empty so much as Still. Like it's holding it's breath waiting for them to come back.  

I will like Not having to chauffeur then around.  I don't mind Jazz so much but Kira, with her "it's your OBLIGATION to drive me to work" BS is just insane.  So Much of this generation has no clue what gratitude is!!! Or obligation for that matter.  I will be relieved to be thru with them but then I will also probably be dead,  no time left to live my own life.  It was always going to happen Some Day. I used to pray every night to live until my daughters were 18. Just let me live to raise them!! and extra time to do some things that I couldn't do while raising children would just be a cherry on top. Then I chose to help raise the grandchildren.  I actually had some idea that if I could just get Jessalynn thru both school and college it would at least show the younger ones the way and maybe she would even help them.  (I'm a comedian) Then I adopted Kira and took guardianship of Jasmine. Choices I made, don't regret! but that cherry on top was pushed back so far I can't see it.  I NEVER expected to make it this long!, was always making Plan B plans for if I died before they were raised.  And whadya know,  her I am greedily hoping to at least see the beginning of Eliot's life!! But,  Oh!! Those days sister-in-law Judy and I used to talk about,  when we would just be sitting on our porch in our rocking chair passing a joint!! But not only am I allergic to THC but Judy is dead and I will see her soon.  I wonder if she made it to her porch before she died?? I'm pretty sure I won't.  I could have Elliot and my porch if I live long enough. At least I (dear God) won't be raising my great grandson. 

But I have to keep on for Jazz and Kira right now. They should at least be driving by next fall.  If they don't have cars they can have mine.  Thankful for delivery services!! Jeanette and Jenise will get the boys through.  

Jazz and Kira, please. Maybe my rocking chair.  My cherry on top.  

Maybe. 

I worry the world will go to shit before the grandchildren's lives are over.  War, the grid going down,  things I have tried to plan for in my head but absolutely won't be here to guide them thru.  They will survive or they will join me in whatever comes next.  I'll be outa here. 

Working my ass off!!

 I've been in the garden all day except I took Jazz to work at 5. It's been a 90 degree day and I sure am feeling it! I cut out the little trees trying to go thru the fence and pulled the weeds there,  too.  Dug out around the big maple tree.  Then I've been hauling dirt and filling the walkway thru the middle of the garden so I can fence it and still get at everything.  I scraped the caterpillar eggs off of every leaf on my plants and killed any little ones that had hatched when I first got out here. So glad I didn't have that surgery and give up my close up sight!! I take a break whenever I feel like I'm going to break.  Just ten minutes gets the pain under control most of the time.  Taking one now.  It will be dark soon so I have to hurry.  I want to plant a few things before it rains again.  Ok. Here I go.  

My garden

 I have to get another round of seeds in the ground today and put up my fence.  And putting up the fence means making the "walkway" I'm pouring in safe to walk in.  I have big flat (Sort of) chunks of cement that I dug up as ' stepping stones' but they are uneven, unsteady,  and I fall a LOT trying to walk on them.  I am very excited that I actually got this started early enough this year!! I'm off and sick in the spring I think because I have so many different allergies. I know I couldn't even get out of bed in the spring most of the time when we lived on the farm. New paragraph well that didn't work so well. Jamie taught me how to use speech to text on this phone and I am trying it right now since I evidently have a million typos for each sentence and not all of them are funny. New paragraph how the hell do I get it to do a new paragraph that might drive me crazy. End of paragraph okay that didn't work either.!

Thru heat and pain

 I worked until 3pm ignoring the heat and pain and got a lot done in my garden but not nearly as much as I hoped.  I'm excited that the girls will be in Lincoln next Tuesday and Wednesday and i will get a break from chauffeuring then around.  I REALLY HATE IT. And Kira's attitude makes it so very much worse.  Absolutely No Gratitude because she believes that driving them is my OBLIGATION.  Unbelievable.  She should be taking a bus with that attitude. I KNOW the bus runs to the mall and probably to the zoo or near it.  

Anyway, I will have 2 uninterrupted days but,  just my luck, it is forecast to rain on those days,  I just hope they at wrong a they so often are!!

Sherah

 I got up and started working in the garden and then remembered that Jess wanted to go to the laundromat today. I told her I wanted to just go alone and do her laundry because I didn't wasn't to stress if she was ok or worried about Nova at home.  It took some convincing but she let me do it.  Jenise showed up as I was getting ready to leave so I asked her to follow me there and we could hang out while the laundry washed.  It was great having her company!! She is very obviously pregnant now!! 🙃🫠😀 I didn't let her carry anything - I won't risk this baby for Anything!! We loaded the washer and went across to Pepperjax and got lunch.  Jenise had to go shortly after I moved the laundry to the dryers 🙁 and then I found out what was hard for me to do - folding. I forgot that my use of my arms is very limited without severe pain.  I had to stop several times and try to meditate beyond the pain! I almost gave up and just bundled it all and went home but then i pictured Jess having to finish and I got it done.  Jess did have to unload the van, it was time to admit I needed help! I took Gabriella out and piddles in the garden a little until it was time to get Kira. Then I went back to my garden until it was too dark to see what I was doing and then  I drilled our what was going to be my compost bin. Jami had come out and kept me company while I worked,  which was really nice! but then she went in and cut watermelon for us and we stood in the kitchen wolfing down the sweetest watermelon until Jess came in and reminded me I had to pick up Jasmine.  Jami rode with me and I tore out of here praying Jazz wouldn't get off on time so I wouldn't be late and she was 10 minutes late so we were good.  I hope I'm never late to get her again!! She doesn't get mad at me like Kira does,  she's smart, she is just so disappointed in me that I feel terribly.  

What a long day! I hope i don't pay for it tomorrow. 

It was The Best Birthday

 Jess really outdid herself yesterday!! I knew there was some kind of plan for my BD. Jess has asked if i was ok with going somewhere Saturday morning and then Jenise knew something and said that she might go, too, and that i shouldn't worry,  my mother approved.  Jenise said she probably couldn't go but then yesterday morning when she and Phillip walked in the house i knew it was ON and it was going to be great. Phillip drove,  (the only person on earth whose driving i trust) and Jess said we could bring the dogs so I figured we were headed for the park.  Wrong. We went to the Old Market and I saw the stalls set up and asked "Is that the Farmers Market? I've always wanted to go to that!" And we did!! It felt like being at the Renaissance Fair or a Texas flea market!! I was happy with that but then Jess said, "We have to take the dogs home for the next part" so there was more!! Next we pulled up at the Joslyn Art Museum!!!! and there was a sign saying there was a Japanese water display inside!!!! One thing I had stressed about all week was worrying what they were going to spend but these things were Free!! It was Brilliant!! Then Dave and Jami picked Kira up from work and did the shopping for Jess and Jazz didn't work so I didn't have to do Anything.  Jess made my new favorite,  gnocci,  I ate a big plate,  then amazing chocolate cake,  and knocked out. 

I got other gifts, too, and I hear there are more to come.  Nett had to work 😕 so I haven't seen her yet.  Kira gave me a water bottle like hers. I filled it with ice water right away and it still had ice in it this morning!!!! 

Ok. I guess I don't mind surviving until this birthday but I really hope I'm not starting another 22 year punishment phase!!

Happy Birthday 🎂 🥳 🎉

 I came home last night to balloons on the mail box and the house decorated.  Why do we feel embarrassed when someone does something like that???? I wish I was still asleep but had to take Kira to work so my day has begun.  

Authoring

 I started writing when I was 8. It started with a little journal that I started writing poetry in.  Then I wrote short stories,  then long poems that were stories.  In Junior High I won my first writing contest for writing "How I Escaped From the Savage Natives on a South Pacific Island", a sci-fi,  fantasy, action comedy that hung in a glass case for years at Beverly Hills Intermediate.  In 9th grade I wrote and performed in a rhyming play a la Shakespeare for Health Class that the teacher sent to Weightwtchers Anonymous who asked for permission to use and perform it.  EVERYONE,  including me! said I would end up being a Great Writer.  Well, my father changed his mind and said that I would have to give it up someday because he was sure I would be a mathematician or engineer,  but that's a different story.  My first side hustle was selling poetry to students in my high school for their poetry class.  During my teen years I would go to parties and sit in the corner and write poems for people to give to their girlfriends,  boyfriend,  etc. I loved having people tell me what they wanted to say and then making it into a poem for them.  I wrote a poem for Jim Cooper that was his final wishes.  Funny,  almost 50 years ago and I can still see Jim sitting up on a console stereo while I sat below him scribbling frantically to keep up 🙂. I have a poetry page in here somewhere that has a scattering of my poetry but it is only what I could still remember 10 years or so ago,  just a tiny fraction of what I wrote,  but at least some of the best,  including Jim's will, which wasn't nearly one of my best! just one that stuck in my head. I wrote and performed in another poetry play about dentistry while working for Dental Health Alliance at Sitel telemarketing.  I had an extra muse then,  author/artist/actor Rodger Gerberding, whose admiration pulled capability out of me that I've seldom experienced,  thank you, Rodger❣️ I was in my thirties then.  Still thinking I would eventually start writing the novels everyone expected from me.  Then I sadly wrote a couple of eulogies, the one for Jackie Lynn and the one for my mothet are also in the poetry page here.  After the one for Mom I started feeling like I was struggling to write and I have written very little since then.  I think it started with looking back and deciding that 90% of what I had written was actually pure crap.  Then it felt like my muse was slipping away.  Not Rodger, but the muse I believed had been writing for me all my life. 10 years ago while we were living in the Yellow House I started writing again on my Fire tablet and I wrote my last "good" story poem about a runaway slave traveling north to escape bondage. I felt my muse Hugely. I knew really nothing about the subject,  it was one of those that seemed to come from beyond me.  I broke that tablet in a fight with Jeremy and lost all of my writing on it.  And haven't been able to write Anything since. I am old now,  when I was sure I would be writing my novels, if I survived this long! but I have nothing.  No muse,  no brilliance.  NOTHING. I have a lot of brain damage but my muse left long before brain bleeds and White Matter Disease.  It could be partly that I don't have half the confidence.  Is that even the right word?? I no longer feel like I have anything worthwhile to offer and that feeling compounds and grows daily. Maybe it's looking at the mess of the lives I have influenced and how few people actually look up to or even have any respect for me.  Being in your 60's and realizing you have been/are a huge fuck up can destroy you!! And also my Old Age is nothing like I hoped it would be if I made it here.  If I saw old age, I saw no longer having responsibilities for kids etc. and time to do whatever I pleased. That hasn't happened!! I have 2 daughters who will always need some kind of help and I am still raising their children.  Driving kids to school and work Every Day and trying to run a household with 6 people on less than$2000 a month. True, if I really was going to Do It I have hours between driving kids most days that I could be writing ?? but again,  no muse and nothing to offer.  I'm a jet circling the tower waiting for permission to land,  in a holding pattern,  and I know now that the end is a crash.  If by some miracle I am still alive when the last grandchildren leave home and I have figured out how to sustain Jami and Jess I Could Have that "free" time. But again. No muse. Nothing to offer.  If I went totally mute no one would miss my voice, Kira would rejoice! and that's just the honest truth.  I'm not feeling any self pity there.  I don't exactly know how/why but I Know it is my own fault even if it was never my intention.  It's more than just no longer being relevant.  I'm looking every minute for the explanation,  how did I fuck it all so badly? but the answer to that is somewhere beyond me still.  Self realization is so difficult!! and there is that fear that I actually know the answer but somehow can't bring it forth because I can't bear it.  Self destructive self preservation. Involuntary protective delusion.  I don't know. Anything.