Kira 13

 We managed to get 2 hotel rooms at Red Top for Kira's birthday. I think it went well, the kids mostly had fun. 

"Home Crap Home"

 Title stolen from "The Money Pit".

After years of being disabled and then a month of being almost completely  brdridden I am living in a trash filled, cluttered, dump. 

I've been up for 5 days and made my "to do" list for my home this morning. I started with the living room and might not even get that done properly. I know I can't. I haven't even finished sweeping and I ache all over and want to cry. Its not just sweeping. Its picking up the trash, moving furniture, and all the gross surprises I find when I do. 

Jessalynn was right that my house is disgusting but I am still right to feel that her observations should have only been directed at Me. I feel outraged that I have TWO healthy adults living with me who I almost completely support and my home is what it is. 

I still get that feeling of Karma. The horror and shame I felt when I went to take care of my dying mother and saw the filth she had been living in. I might be just destined to end my days in filth. I'm not Ever going to not be disabled and my condition is only getting worse as I age. Every hope I have had to fix this was a false hope. When I took in Jami and Kirk last year, let thrm build a room for themselves in the basement they said they would help. Were horrified no one else helped me. And then they did nothing. Didn't even clean up after themselves. Let dishes mold downstairs until most had to be thrown away and replaced. I know. Was foolish to hope they would be any different than all the other times I took them in. I once hoped Keetra would at least be someone I could pay to help me but her addiction made her unable to even help herself. I have No One else, can't afford to hire help and actually would  be embarassed to let hired help see my home. I bet it would cost hundreds to have a maid service dig this out!!

Karma.

What they really think

 In this nightmare with Jessalynn jami had been telling me that Jess didn't really know what had happened. All year I have waited for it to come up, to maybe tell my side of it. 

Well, it came up. Raised its diseased head. If Jess doesnt know what happened doesnt really matter. I've been judged and found guilty. By Kira, too. 

I was saying that Jessalynn was welcome here for Christmas and it all broke loose. NO ONE cared what my side might be. 

I just got in the van and left. Destination No Where. Again.

Again, Jami saved me.

I called, likely hysterical. She asked where I was and I told her I was by dollar tree on 99th but not to come, that I was moving the van. I drove into the Walmart parking lot and I'll be damned if I didnt see Jami walking up. I tried to duck down,  too late. She got in. Took me to Harrah's hotel and had Andrew get me a room. 

I was alone there. Scared at first but then I realized I WAS ALONE there!! 

I didnt even know I needed to be alone!! No one judging or hating me. 

She may have saved my life again. 

Jeanette texted me. Said she had received a Bunch of hateful texts about me after Thanksgiving from Jess. Said I was living in a dangerous, toxic environment. That kinda floored me 

I didnt even sense that from Jess!!

Jeanette told me to go where she works and I did. And finally, someone listened to what really happened last Christmas and didnt blame me. 

Jami never blamed me either. Jeremy kind of did. Definitely did but wasnt going to actually say it. 

Jeanette said she invited me Thanksgiving knowing Jessalynn wouldn't approve and didnt care. 

She also invited me to go stay with her and I'm thinking about it. 

What's it like to live in a house where I'm not hated???

I don't know.

Jess is Kiras favorite person. Is that why Kira treats me with disrespect that borders on hatred??

I've been thinking it was just a teen thing.

What if it isn't??

I'm sick of wishing I was dead all the time. 

I'll be dead soon enough. 

Do i have to hate the rest of my life??

I feel like I am always begging Jess and my grandchildren to Love Me.  That one day they will just wake up and SEE that I love them. That maybe I deserve to be loved. 

I am always defending Jess. Making excuses for the horrible person she acts like. I think how Jessalynn said I was disgusting for the way I treat Jeremy and LOOK at how Jess treats him Every Day. 

I listen to her bitch about my cat after YEARS of cleaning up after her dog, walking him cuz she won't,  trying to clean his messes before Jeremy sees them and gets upset. 

I listen to her bitch about what a mess Jeremy makes when he out works here ALL THE TIME,  cleaned up after her when she didn't lift a finger to help with anything for years.  (but this were he meth years,  she wasn't really Her Rhode years) for years. He moved her 3 times  because she had no one else to do it and she still BITCHES about the things he broke moving her  crap BY HIMSELF. Not ONCE did she ever thank 

Jessalynn can take care of her. They deserve each other.

No future planning

 I believe at some point I stopped making plans for the future almost completely. I stopped making shopping lists, plans to pay bills or do almost anything. If this started before the pandemic then the pandemic certainly made it worse. I'm not sure why I stopped,  I only today realized that planning wasn't in my head at all. One day at a time has its merits but definitely isn't serving my family well.

I think being sick and disabled plays a big part in this but I also believe I can do better. NEED to do better.

It doesn't help at all that my memory has gotten so bad that today I felt like making any kind of plans was totally foreign to me. 

I also seem to live in an exaggerated state of Hopelessness that started with my COPD and heart condition diagnoses and was stopped of by the depression following losing Jessalynn last Christmas. That makes it probably at least almost a year like this.

This should be something I can fix or at least do better at. Maybe start writing again, lists of things to do, that need done and maybe daily journaling to keep track of plans and remember them.

Thanksgiving with Jeanette

 I was so happy to be invited to Thanksgiving with Jeanette!! I was very sad Jess wouldn't go but Jami was invited,  too, so we were almost all together. 😁

I have to mention, there is a Huge difference in David. He is So Much more relaxed and friendly!! It makes me very happy for Jeanette!! I think their Jamaica trip certainly helped but it was more than that. 

I did feel terrible that I asked Jeanette if I could show up around noon to hang out and then everything started snowballing around that plan and worst of all I didn't call and explain. 

We really do need to hang out some time 

I ended up getting scary sick and Jeremy had to take us home  but that's another story for another place 

For here and now, we had a lovely family Thanksgiving.

Halloween 2021 written Nov 1st

 This year we only had 4 kids to take, Jazz, Kira, Shy and Riley. Riley decided to go late so we just took a devil mask and a light up mask from a movie I cant remember the name of

The girls costumes were a lot more work. Jazz was Wybi (probably spelled wrong,) Kira was Coraline and Shy was a dead prom queen. We searched through thrift stores for days looking for things to make their costumes. Oh and Jenise went with us once to look for a suit to make her Beetle Juice. (Which turned out just amazing!!)

We got lucky and found a yellow rain coat for Kira, then we found black rain boots to paint yellow. I bought three sets of leg warmers at Dollar Tree thai I cut into pieces to make striped leggings. For Shy we had to find a formal dress to ruin with red blood, used red acrylic paint, then a lot of fake blood safe to be on her skin. We also got Kira a blue wig they cut to look like Coraline's hair. Of course most of the work was done last minute and the cold weather and the unheated house didn't dry any of the paint in time. I Know there is yellow paint all over where Kira sat in the van, there us probably a little of the blood paint where Shy sat. Jeremy painted her dress on the porch so red paint is on the porch floor and in the house. 

Most of the neighborhoods we went through to pick up Riley didn't look like Halloween. We saw No One trick or treating until I Drove to Cherry Hills where we have gone for at least 10 years. EVERYONE was there!! I would drop off Jeremy and the kids and they would finish long streets before i could get through the traffic to them. One time i was sitting in the same spot for 45 minutes, gridlocked. 

But it was still so fun to watch them running around with the dozens of other families all dressed up and all the houses that were over the top decorated! We ended like always, driving to the house across from Benson West. They take "over the top" to a whole new level every year. 

Last stop was Lamar's house, also our tradition. He wants to see their costumes and gives them handfuls of candy every year.

Last was a stop at McDonald's through the LONG line to feed them. We dropped Riley at his house and got home around 11 PM 

.I can barely walk today. Last night my back hurt so badly I kept waking up in pain and thirsty but couldn't scoot over to reach my drink or my phone to call for help 

But I Love Halloween with the kids!! I very much missed having Jenise and Robby. I think Jenise went with her boyfriend and Robby just wanted to stay home and hang out with his friends 😭

I know I won't have many more years of this. The youngest 3 are almost all 13. And i know i won't be around much longer anyhow. 

But at least i have decades of memories of my children and grandchildren Trick or Treating.  😁🤗😂💖

Jami and Mike trailer

 I saw where Jami is living. They are in a camper in/near Lewis and Clark park. There is a farmhouse near by she says they rent the land from. 

It looks like they will freeze to death there this winter.

There are a handful of campers, shelters, around them. We went to take them to get a little propane tank filled. 

She hinted at moving the camper here but no way would the landlord or Jeremy allow that. It would be just terrible for all of us. AND no way can we afford the extra utilities for them! We are barely surviving with just us. 

Can't move them in either. Jami's warrants are one thing and the general dislike for Mike is another huge deal. Plus just cant deal with the human waste again!! Last time was just horrifying. The smell of sewage surrounded us like a black cloud. 

I have no clue how they survive. It doesn't seem a lucrative place for Mike to be dealing meth unless Lewis and Clark is crawling with addicts. 

But that is all moot with the landlord situation.  I couldn't believe we got away with it before! I'm pretty sure the pandemic just starting was part of it.

Saw Kirk at NOVA yesterday

 Yesterday when we were dropping off supplies,  clothes etc., Kirk was being walked through the office area and I got to give him a hug and have a quick word. 🤗

He looked really good, his hair looked a lot longer! But he looked healthier than he has in Years. 

I feel badly, kind of awful, for keeping all this from Jami but dont see any Good reason to tell her what is going on. 

She will Not Be Happy we didnt tell her!!

She seems very settled with Mike Watson in their trailer. They are Definitely a couple. She says she hasn't uses opiates in over a month, I Do believe that since Mike only does/deals meth, but that doesnt mean she is Safe. Doesn't mean she wouldn't go back to opiates if they were made available. 

Kirk is clean of course, but I've seen with Jami how ineffective Forced Being Clean can be. 

I am afraid that Kirk only has 30 days at NOVA Rehab and that won't be nearly long enough. 

I'll check that 

Winter is Coming

 It's below seventy degrees in the house today.  I still haven't paid off last winter's heating bill. 

I am broke. Not yet broken,  but definitely broke. Beyond broke. In debt.

I even thought about the teepee we built in Texas. We could have fire, keep warm. Bonus: No fire ants to battle here. 

Jasmine is 13!!!

 Today is Jasmine's 13th Birthday!! Kira has a surprise party planned that I still am not sure how we'll pull it off!! About to pick Kira up from school to come and prepare, about a dozen things could go wrong, but it will be a Party!!!

A Beautiful Fall Morning

Sitting outside in the porch in the spot Jim sat in much of the time he was here.  It is going to be a beautiful day. 

Heart incident

I kept feeling like I needed a metoprolol but every time I got up to take one I got sidetracked.  Jazz had an sppt at 315. While waiting I checked my pulse.  Was skipping every third or so beat. Discomfort, some chest pain. Made it home, took meds, feel better but very very tired.

Zoo with Jeremy Kira Riley

Already 4:00 when we got here but at least we are here, Out Of The House.  I wish Jazz would have come!! Maybe next time.

I'm sitting. Can't walk today. Dr. Gold gave me an injection in my left knee Thursday. Felt better for a little bit. Maybe it's still better, just not very good. 

I told Dr. Gold that I have been depressed feeling like i am losing my independence.  He simply said "You definitely are" in that "accept this" tone he has. 

Harsh acceptance.  

I'm just realizing what arthritis means for me. I've known I was diagnosed with it and somehow thought it was an annoyance I would have to deal with. 

When it Really Hit recently I was stunned at how Very painful it is!! Every joint in my body started screaming, not just when I move but even waking me all through the night.

Again. Adjusting to my New Reality.

It is a Beautiful Day.  Sunny with a cool breeze.

I'm alone.  Don't know where they are. Wishing I was with them!! when I should just be enjoying that I am out here on this beautiful day. Happy families everywhere. 

I think I could walk over and look at the gorillas, or go in the rain forest. But then they will worry I'm not where they left me.

I think I'm going to let them worry a little. 

I can't just sit here feeling sorry for myself!! 

It will hurt to walk, I could end up in trouble,  unable to get back. 

Someone will help the crippled old lady.

I'm going to see the gorillas 

NEXT DAY

I didnt make it to the gorillas.  I started to walk there but realized it was downhill and I might not make it back up. So I started to head for the Lied Jungle when I saw the leaves moving in some bushes. I crept closer and noticed a group of female peacocks hiding there. I was happy to see some aninals!! I stood there watching them until I noticed Jeremy and the girls walking back.

So. I saw peacocks at the zoo. 🙂

James Frederick Cooper Jr

Jim died 2 days ago. Billy posted that it was a heart attack. Poor Raymond found him dead on Ray's birthday. 

I talked to Jim a week ago. He said he'd been really sick but was recovering. 

Mostly he was wanting to end his year long feud with Jami. I got the message to her right away and she was trying to contact him but sadly they didn't get a chance to talk before he was gone.

Gone. Dead. Passed on. All so final. 

I was in a panic for hours trying to get Jami home, with me, before she found out but it was on Facebook and Lindsey told her right after I talked to her asking her to please come home.

It was still ok, Jami still came here.

Then my own grief hit me. 

Jim could be such an ass hole. Yet he was and wanted to be so much more. The wanting to be, that's what endeared him to people.

Michael took it really hard. I had a hard time telling him. 

I feel the difference in this world without him. In my world without him. 

He was someone who Believed in me. Maybe one of the last. 

Kirk Charges

I don't know.  I'm told that Kirk is being charged with 2 people overdosing and dying from fentanyl. OMG I can't believe this is happening.  

One of them, maybe both,  but one for sure Kirk wasn't even around.  

I hope to be able to speak to his attorney next week. 

Jazz Kira School

The girls are supposed to start school at Macmillan tomorrow. I hate this. I NEVER wanted them to go to Macmillan but don't have a reliable car to take them to a better school.

AND there is the whole COVID th iij ng still going on. I really cant brlievecwe are expected to send them to school with the viral mutations making the world more and more dangerous. 

I could homeschool them and still might. The problem there is that these A and B students failed the 6th grade doing remote learning last year. 

I will let them attend at least a week and pray they survive it but very likely will pull them back out.

I should have helped them a LOT MORE last year.

I won't let them fail again if they have to remote or home school.

kirk update

I know a little more about Kirk's  situation. 

There was a sealed indictment for him since January that was unsealed when he was arrested last week. I still don't know the exact charges against him but 98% sure it is tied up with his associate Dee getting indicted over a year ago on drug charges. There were also possible manslaughter charges for three fentanyl deaths but I think those were dropped. 

I don4 know why they didn't arrest Kirk ssd sooner.  It wasn't a secret he was living here, this address is even on his state ID. One possible reason could be that they were watching him although Jami says that's not likely.  

The deal with living here was that he was NOT supposed to deal drugs but I believe he violated that deal. I would see cars pull up and Kirk go our to it and it leave and I would tell him that looked suspicious to me and he said it wasn't what it looked like.  I was planning to turn him in myself to protect my family before he was indicted.  I figured that if he wasn't dealing it wouldn't hurt him and that if he was I would protect the family. 

I can see parts of the indictment online but only legal professionals can access all of it. 

Jami hasn't been here since he was picked up. I keep looking but dont see an indictment for her. She says she was in jail when Kirk was with Dee but I remember her being around at least a week, with Kirk and Dee, before Dee was arrested. I even remember giving them a ride to a house she said Dee was renting not far from here. 

Whatever. There isn't an indictment for Jami. 

If Kirk was being watched since January then Jami was definitely seen with him. But then again I still dont know the exact charges against Kirk. 

He has been assigned a Federal public defender. I know it is all very serious but wait to know more. 

Snow Ball to Hell

So here I sit with little or nothing on the brink of actual disaster. Where can I say it started? Did it even Jeremy totaled the car? My car! Or did it just start like the rest of the country with this pandemic.

No car. A $600 disconnect on gas and water. Very little food. School starting less than a week with no way to get them to and from school, no school that they are enrolled in, no proper clothing for school or supplies, nothing but disappointing stories to tell the children. A new low for us or at least one not visited in a very very long time. 

Kirk Indicted

August 9th

Kirk was just arrested on a federal warrant, he was indicted but I dont know the charges. Hes in Sarpy County.

Jami disappearing again

Every now and then Jami will disappear for hours or days. It's often with Rizzo.

This Jami Kirk Rizzo triangle has gone on for over a decade. I don't know how Kirk and Rizz have dealt with this for all these years. They both love Jami and she may love them. Drugs have a lot to do with it all. Jami does seem to be with whichever can supply her habbit but also Kirk and Rizzo connect with each other for drugs too at times. It was over 10 years ago the first time I stopped by and the three of them were staying together in a one bedroom apartment,  even all sleeping in a big bed. No, there was never any threesome stuff, just high and passed out together. There is even a place in the room they built in the basement here that Rizz often stays in.

Everyone feels sorry for Kirk but also no one knows why he stays with her. 

We've all seen the pattern. They will be out of dope and Jami will start a fight with Kirk and then storm out and Rizzo will be waiting somewhere near and they take off. Kirk's grief is unbearable to be around when this happens! But he stays with her. 

This time she left in their truck early yesterday saying she was running to the gas station for cigarettes,  would be right back, and it's almost 24 hours later and she is still gone. I've been messaging her and get no response. About ab hour after she left I drove to the gas station to see if she was wrecked or pulled over along the way. 

Now it's the tension of worrying what will happen when she returns. 

She never really says where she's been. Sometimes there is a long convoluted story about broke down vehicles and dead phones.  Sometimes we have to deal with angry people coming looking for her because she took off with their money. This time it was Keetra showing up after midnight. Last time it was a very angry woman banging on our windows and doors. 

I never got an explanation or apology of any kind for that one.

I just don't get it. She does this with no care for how it upsets and even endangers all of us. I try to shield Kira from it but she knows. You can hear people through the vents in this house and all of the kids have heard the arguing when Jami returns or just arguments about drugs in general. 

I know she is a drug addict. I let her move in on the condition that there wasn't drug dealing or violence in this house. Really, it is that I KNOW drugs will kill her soon and I don't want the guilt if she dies on the street and I end up spending the rest of my life wondering if I could/should have protected her, done more.

Where is the Line?

When do i admit trying to save her does unforgivable damage to the rest of us? Especially the children?

Where the hell is she 

When will she return

What will happen when she gets here

?

2:00 am

Sitting on the porch listening to the insects chirp and the wind blowing through the trees. Nature sounds always make me think of life on the farm. The wind blowing through big trees is magnificent! There is a huge glorious tree across the street. I would love to have one like it in our yard!! I'd have a 2 level tree house in it and be sitting in it right now.

I Was

I remember feeling intelligent, accomplished,  necessary,  even brilliant at times. 

I have no clue why.

"I can still tell that you used to be pretty"

Can any other indirect statement so quickly rob you of you delusion of being anything but old and ugly?? 

Those words sent me to look in a mirror, really look, at the wreck t hff at had been my face. 

It made my so glad that I always told my mother how beautiful she was. And, of course,  to me she truly was. 

But I dont think anything anyone could say would have made her believe, feel, otherwise. If she ever doubted her Beauty I never knew. 

I'm not so secure (or delisional!)

Very little of my life was spent believing I was pretty in any sense. 

I hoped that if I got Here that I would rest in believing that I had Inner Beauty.  

Maybe it's the prevailing depression, but I have been even more disillusioned about my Inner Beauty.

Maybe a starry eyed Faith in God and a belief that there is Good in Everyone and the peace from those beliefs once gave me Inner Beauty.  ???

I just know that ever since I heard those words I have woke up old and ugly every single day. 

Its actually liberating in a way. No more make up or fancy hair cuts. No more "watching my figure". 

But it just feels too much like just waiting to die when i give up on Trying.

Maybe Sad 

Movie night

Last night Kira, Jazzy, Robby, Shy and Jeremy piled in my bed to watch the new Conjuring movie. I need a bigger bed!!! But I love these times togwther❣💞💞

I hope we can do something tonight too. 😃

Today

I'm very stiff and sore today, likely from the last week planning and planting my flower  garden. 

In the scorching heat or freezing cold, I always prefer to be outside. There is always So Much I should be doing in the house but I would always rather work on the outside. Maybe I've always been this way. In a perfect world for me the people here who prefer inside would clean the house so I'm not out here always thinking I should be inside working. 

Today the garden must rest. I elieve I could push through the pain and then be fine working out here. But the nightmare I call My Room has to be dealt with. The girls want to hang out today and I promised them I wouldn't wear myself out in the garden and end up too exhausted like yesterday and too many days. And if part of my time with them is watching a movie and some anime in my room I have to dig it out. 

It is just piles of clothes and junk that ho to the ceiling in places. I haven't been able to get to my closet in about a year. There are at least 2 hefty bags of socks in baskets, bags, and boxes in there. Clothes of every style and size, mist if it likely not wanted by anyone. 

I know they say a room like mine causes depression, sleep problems and probably more issues but I often just feel helpless looking at it. 

Today I tackle it.

It will probably be more exhausting than building a snow fort.....

Kittens

The feral cat (who isn't so feral now) that we call Baby Mamma had her kittens on the front porch about 6 weeks ago. We were thrilled at the honor, she couldn't have said she trusts us more clearly! and the kittens bring us a lot of sunshine. I barely do anything anymore so I might enjoy these little things a lot more. 

She had 6 kittens but one, the only black one, died the second day. The remaining 5 are fat, healthy, and beautiful 💕. I have the only survivor from her last litter, have made her Mine and she gives me great joy. I have avoided cats since finding out they are on the 3 page list of things that I'm allergic to but see no point in denying myself the pleasure of having one since I have an expiration date. Loki ranks a hair below my grandchildren on the Love Scale.  She knows she is mine and I can't deny her anything. 

Aside from allergies there is another reason I have denied myself a pet since Scotty died. Yes, I don't want to go through any more Loss. Loki seems to be a safe bet. As long as I take care of her and she doesn't go outside there is at least a 90% chance that she will outlive me 🙂. I Do worry what will happen to her when I am gone. I will leave you instructions that she be put down if no one can/will take care of her. 

Back to the porch litter, I wish I could keep all 5 of them!! I can no longer carry out a full cat box and can barely get Jeremy to clean it so it is unrealistic to think of having even 1more cat in the house.

Oh. I actually already have two. I rescued a black feral kitten in the dead of winter with Jeremy's help. I was about to give up on ever taming her when she finally decided to trust me. Jazz named her Obi. We tossed around and rejected names for her for weeks before Jazzy suggested Obi. Obi is still skittish but she comes to me to be pet and played with when she feels like being a baby and she will likely end up with the same status as Loki. 

Back to Baby Mama.  I thought that I was just helping her keep this litter alive, thought I was detached, an onlooker, until I couldn't find the kittens last night. The neighbor girls had asked to play with them earlier so my first thought was that they had taken them or done something with them. Baby Mama was calling for them and sniffing around the neighbor's yard which also made me suspicious.  Jeremy, Jess  Kira and I looked for and called for them for an hour. They had Never been missing. I had Jeremy knock on their door repeatedly but they wouldn't answer (maybe partly because it was 10 pm and the woman there hates us). (Hag). 

The despair I felt caught me off guard. It felt like my body would shut down! 

Then a kitten came crawling out from the west corner or the porch. They were all asleep behind my plants under a wadded up tarp. 

I might end up being the North O Cat Lady.

Well, Mom had 27 dogs so it wouldn't be totally shocking. We could call it a family trait. 

...

Mother's Day and 2nd Covid Vac

Yesterday I went for my 2nd Moderna Covid vaccine.  My arm hurts and I feel a little crappy,  achy, headache, loe grade temp. Maybe this is as bad as it gets. 

Jess ordered flowers,  donuts and chocolates for me. That was my first Mother's Day gifts. Then more flowers and plants from everyone else here.

The big surprise, Jeanette sent sushi for my lunch. I don't know how I feel about that. And somehow it bothered my to find out that Jess knew she was doing it. Did Jess ask her to?? And what does it mean? Is Jeanette forgiving me for the mess she made? Does she in any way realize that I didn't Ever attack Her?? 

I felt a warmth in my heart when it was delivered. I do love and miss My Daughter. 

Do I forgive her for the last year of abuse? Do I even understand it?? Even if she really believes that I did her wrong somehow, would that justify her vicious attacks?? Whatever she might or might not know, she KNOWS she told lies to smear me. Who treats their mother like that?? 

If the truth doesn't make your point then maybe you don't have one.

My Heart Overfloweth

Yesterday Robby came over for the first time in a year and it left me just overwhelmed ❤. Sitting and just listening to him and Jenise made my heart explode! Jenise gave me a handwritten book of her poetry that would be worth millions on Ebay if I ever sold it after she is discovered. Her work is extremely powerful. I know that talent at her age is often the most powerful because the teen perspective is so raw but if she manages to keep it into adulthood and build on it she will be unstoppable. Everything she writes is relatable on every level. Steven King before his accident is the only writer I've ever said that about.

Robbie didn't offer as much conversation but his glory was often in his commentary on others and even often just the expression on his face.

Robbie talks like he lost his art muse. I really hope he gets it back because it was amazing, too! He says that his mom gave him a tattoo kit he has been studying how to use and trying to design some tattoos Jeanette has told him she wants so maybe that will wake his muse and give it a new direction. 

I took them home around 7 and was just giddy driving back home.

A Feel Good Day

No reason, except maybe I slept good for a change, but I feel Good Today. 

Two days since the Moderna vaccine now. I had some fever and nausea but that's gone today. 

When I feel good I want to do a dozen things but seldom get more than one thing done if that. The pain is usually what stops me. I want to water my plants, do my laundry, do Jazz's hair, clean the living room, my room and the kitchen. In reality, I'll probably just water the plants, clean a little everywhere and do Jazz's hair. BUT I haven't even wanted to do anything in Ages, so this is good. 😁

Heartache

The pain of losing Jessalynn just doesn't lessen. My heart aches unbearably still, it feels like I can't breathe sometimes. I still run through it all over and over in my head all the time. It is as acute as any loss I have ever felt. Irreparable.  Like death of a loved one. Maybe worse. Death loss fades more with time. You can believe they are in a better place or still with you. This is just a gaping void. 

The only positive I see is that I cant possibly live much longer. We'll,  and there is that my favorite grandchild. Jenise would Never tell me I was doing Anything disgusting no matter what.  

Then this pain will end unless I go to hell. 

Hell would be an eternity of This.

Bidens Stimulus

The big stimulus is in or on the way. Mine is In. I have to give MUD at least $1000, I have to take care of pet vet visits and make sure the girls have new clothes that fit,  their mothers will help with that. Two luxuries. I want to take the girls on a trip, they love to travel!

And I'm thinking about keeping my 20 year old promise to take Jeremy to Vegas if he still wants to go. 😁 

There's a chance he'd rather do something with the girls but I am excited to offer this to him❣❣❣❣

Fortress of Rhodatude

The snow fort is almost complete and we'll have about a week before it melts. Gonna have to make it a good week!!😁

lindsey phone number

I don't know why Rizzo is sending me Lindsey's phone number. Did she ask him to?? I'm afraid to talk to her. Afraid of having to face more accusations and hatred. 

Still too much grief

Had a terrible crying spell today, just couldn't stop crying. Jenise snuck in a visit. When she left I broke. For all Jeanette has taken from me,  and I still am clueless WHY and then the tears escalate over All The Loss. I am always holding back tears for Jessalynn,  but I manage to hold the Belk grandchildren farther back in my mind, deeper in my heart, mostly accepted loss after almost a year. Today it all poured out again. I was stunned with the desire to just die and not feel it or, God forbid, even more pain. I was almost convinced that I had chosen Life. It's much harder when you are sure there isn't much left anyway.

New lease on an old life

I have been almost completely bed bound most of the last year. Dr .  Holmberg (cardio) saved my life and gave me back Quality of Life. The daily crippling headaches are gone. My energy level is 100% better. I can think clearly. I don't feel my heart stumble and skip beats terrifying me any more. I don't just think of things I want to do, I DO them!! 

Thank you to Dr. Gold for taking me seriously and sending me to cardiology. Thank you Dr. Holmberg for listening, for Hearing me, and not just blowing me off like others have. Thank you God for both of them and this life extension. 

Fortunate Fortitude

I've been building my snow fort for three days now. I need at least 3 more days to finish it. I am so thankful to have the strength - and snow! - to build it this year. After our last (record breaking?) snow Kirk shoveled and piled it all in the middle of the yard. A HUGE help!! Trying to make it a foot taller and several feet larger this time. I have 3 walls at least 4 feet tall, one foot thick.

Doing this is my therapy,  almost my church. Working in near silence most of the time oblivious to what noise there is. I thought the first one might be my last. If I hadn't gone to a cardiologist to fix my heart it would have been. 

I can't wait to finish!!

And if I die trying know I died at peace.

Breaking the Grief/Depression Cycle

I am choosing Life again. 

It is true that I have known a lot of suffering, pain, and grief. It is also true that I have not only known Great Joy but I have been blessed to see miracles in my life.

The fact that I am alive is a miracle itself. When I was a child I was certain that I would live to grow up because I felt I had Purpose. 

I just need to remember that.

I'm not Done.

And I still have my Jrnise. Robby. Riley, Jazz and sometimes Kira. I will live no matter hour much others want me dead. 

Grieving

Still grieving, have that heart ripped out, punched in the gut someone just died feeling. How long will this go on?? It feels like I used all my healing after all the past deaths and losses. Less like waiting to heal and more like waiting, hoping to die. Maybe that's why I went from 5 cigarettes a day with a quit date to chain smoking. I remember Mom hating Daddy for not quitting smoking and dying and leaving us and wonder if he just didn't care either. I've always thought it was just that he thought he was invincible.  Maybe he did. I know I'm not. 

I still talk to Jessalynn in my head day and night. Its worst at night. jeremy is sleeping in my room babysitting me. I want to tell him to go sleep in his more comfortable Man Cave but I selfishly haven't because I can't breathe when I'm alone.  Don't want to breathe. 

I wonder at the hill Jessalynn chose to die on. After endless demands that I get rid of Jeremy she sticks her nose in our relationship to tell me I am disgustingly mean to him. That the way i treat him is Disgusting

 She never softened that when she saw it upset me,  repeated it 3 times.  Funny her words on it. She kept saying "You said you wanted to leave him in the mud". That rolls around my head because it makes No Sense. What Mud??? Did this really escalated over a misunderstanding?? She said it like she was quoting me. Maybe leaving someone in the Mud is an expression I'm not familiar with?? One of several questions I would ask her. 

I'll never get thr chance to ask. It reminds me of Meredith musing what her mothers unfinished sentence was. Tell Meredith not to _______. Meredith's mother was too dead to explain. So is Jessalynn.

My only sunshine is that the love of my life, my precious Jenise,   who might be my mother! would Never dream of hurting me or even being disrespectful.  She tells me to Live for her and iDo.

New Year

Not much Happpy about anything. 2020 was harsh to say the least and I dont see much better ahead.  

I miss having a big family. I HATE what happened with Jessalynn. And see no way to fix it. I am sorry that I lashed out at her for saying that I'm "disgusting", that the way I treat Jeremy is Disgusting.   but I also don't forgive her for it. Maybe it's her generation? I would have cut my tongue out before I told my grandma that the way  she treated grandaddy was disgusting! I also know she will never apologize for it. I've often wondered over the years at how mean and heartless she can be (like with her friends) about people but she cries watching sad TV shows.  Weird but I know there is probably a clue in that...

It is funny that she started this being so mad at me for being mean to Jeremy and then went to "tell her side" to Jeanette who once spit in his face. Not to mention that Jessalynn spent Months telling me how terrible Jeremy was and that I should, that I would,  throw him out if I cared about my family. I'd I was a"decent person" She was relentless about it. I did tell him what she was saying and say that maybe he really should leave,  but I also made the usual excuses for him,  his mental limitations etc. but then after a while I just started agreeing with her because there is no arguement with her. And Yes, I do believe, hope, this implacability is a phase of being a New Adult.  18 with one semester of psychology and she's telling me how to raise the kids and to throw Jeremy out. She only stopped hacking on Jeremy when she realized that Brandon liked Jeremy, which she totally did not expect to happen!!"

Jeremy, by the way, has been amazing since this storm broke. From the first night when I cried and screamed until I was hoarse to today he has been right beside me. I can't hardly sleep, "disgusting" just echoes through my head with flashes of what I thought was my relationship with Jessalynn through the years all day but worse at night so Jeremy has slept in my room every night. A reminder of why I've never listened to people who tell me to throw him out. He was THE ONLY person I had in 2001 and had ALWAYS Been There for me. In our 20 years we've gone through times when we absolutely hated each other but we have always loved each other. I remember when we first moved to Omaha and had to go to County for help and we had to see a therapist together. When she asked about our relationship we explained how he took care of me when my family cast me out and that as I became disabled he did all the physical things I couldn't and that I became His family when he realized his treated him like crap and that I helped him with his epilepsy and took care of legal work and paperwork that overwhelmed him. The Dr looked at the student shadowing her and said "This is a perfect couple. They know their weaknesses and have found someone who cancels them out". 

So I should actually be Happy. I've lost a LOT but I still have that balance in my life. Mom said Jeremy would Always Be There for me and she was so very right. And I am thrilled to have more ting for my Angel,  who might be my mother! My sweet, sweet Jenise.

Ok, Jeremy did lose a LOT of brownie points when Jeanette told me a year later that Jessalynn had told her that Jeremy had been talking sit about me like he used to try to with Jeanette but she would sit him down.  One. He was trying to talk about our sex life which Jeanette felt was totally inappropriate and ew, she really didn't want to hear it! but that he has found an audience in Jessalynn and Brandon ( who didn't feel the ew of that it might be wrong to try to get them to feel sorry for him. His Poty Party. They took it hook line in sinker.  Jeremy says he didn't tell them that I ended the sex over him Abusing the kids telling him to please leave and when he refused to leave he tried to tell any one who might listen that he wasn't getting laid.  His"friends" didn't even want to hear it.  I bought a few fishing poles and told him maybe he should get out and go fishing and that it would be good for Kirk and help Dave because his little boy was being too go fishing.  Jeremy said that he corkscrew do that because they love me and he wouldn't be able to bitch about me to them.  I was flabbergasted.  I said, " So your only reauirement for friends is that they let you bitch about me??" He thought a minute and said,  "I guess so" but he did have the grace to act like he knew there was Something wrong with that.  I just said,  "That's pathetic." 

Inertia at Rest

I think that describes me. I feel frozen in place letting everything fall apart because I should be moving it causing motion .  I have the greatest motivation, the lives of my family,  and I'm standing still.

Write it and Hide it

Ok. I dont like the way this works. I edited a word in this and it republished with today's date but it was written in 2006 or 2007.

Yep. that is what happens to anything I write that I am afraid will offend or piss anyone off by giving my opinions or thoughts. And that is what I think I do in life, too. I think things that never come out of my mouth. At least not towards who I direct them at. Some poor ill mannered woman cut in front of me standing in line at the bank today and I called her a whore and was ready to go a few rounds but she chose to leave. I wasn't even in any kind of a hurry.
I just don't get so many, many things that I let happen to me and say nothing about until I am attacking strangers and indulging in dangerous road rage.
I am a coward. Is that really it?? I think that was true at one time. The last time I came here from Texas I was terrified of my children. Terrified of facing their cruelty and rejection again. It didn't happen. They welcomed me with open arms that I soon learned to trust. But maybe I still had some of that fear. I don't know but somehow I became the ultimate doormat and still am although I like to think for different reasons. I like to think that I am showing them grace under fire, unconditional love and the the Buddhist way or something. The few times I have tried to face one of my daughters down I have quickly abandoned it or ended up in the hospital. Not that Nett or Jess would ever put me in the hospital. Maybe the grave, but not the hospital.
Jeremy and I came here in answer to a plea from Jami who was about to lose her whole world. Our first loss was everything we left behind in Texas, just material things, but all of the things my mother left me and all of Jeremy's past. That stung a little but we had to just understand that the promise to take us to get our things took a back seat to everything else going on. We were stuck here without even a place to stay after working to clean up Mikey's house so he could get the girls back. then Patrick stood up I'm sure from Jess's influence and we went and stayed there until I got my settlement. During that time we starved, I smoked cigarette butts off the ground, Jeremy stole food and got caught three times so he can't get a decent job now because of that on his record. We walked over ten miles a day for weeks getting our medical help set up with General Assistance and DHS and started getting bus passes from GA. We got bikes for trips to the store or anywhere we wanted to go after I couldn't walk any more and then I fell and couldn't ride either so we walked miles and miles. Jami couldn't help us. She was homeless herself on the streets in Council Bluffs with a bad addiction problem. Jeremy and I would take the bus there every weekend and track her down to check on her. She who had the least at that time did the most for us even if she had to steal to get me real cigarettes and food. I don't ever forget that no matter what has happened between us and turn a deaf ear to everyone when I buy her cigarettes and pass her a few bucks when I can. Patrick's was just a place to sleep. We bought or stole us all food when they couldn't and watched them smoke and bring in fast food when they were doing good. Jess bought me two packs of cigarettes during that eight months or so. i didn't contact Nett when I got to town and no one else told her we were here either. the last two times I had been in Omaha had been terrible with her and Rob. they believed every lie Mike told about me and worse and when we came here to see Jenise after she was born Jeremy had to demand they pick us up at the bus station and take us to a hotel where we rotted. Jess brought us spaghetti once. We didn't even have a fork but were so hungry we ate with our fingers. Jami saved us at the last minute before we were about to hop a freight to get back to Houston after living in the park. I can hardly believe Jeremy ever came back here with me but that is the beauty of him. He was terrified for me to be here alone with them.
Then things changed. I got my disability settlement of about $27,000. Then we were people again. We rented a house and when Patrick came having trouble not long after were able to repay him for giving us a place to sleep and gave him about a thousand dollars. We paid Nett and Rob's bills one month, gave them a thousand dollars for a wedding present the next, and then Rob asked to borrow $1800. for recording equipment that turned into $2200. and we did that, too. Jess was miserable with Patrick so we went and moved her and Jessalynn in with us rent free for over a year. I gave her a choice of the upstairs or the basement and she chose the basement apartment and lived down there like a mole with all her trash piling up outside her room until the basement was full of it and her dog shit everywhere so the house smelt like a zoo but I was already in say nothing mode. Jeremy did all of the cooking and cleaning because by this time I was in a wheel chair with a herniated disc. We bought a junker car and became the transportation for the house. I paid the rent up for four months at a time to be sure we had a home. Jeremy didn't get a job either for the first four years. We just ate up my settlement pretty fast. We found Jami and Kirk and put them in a hotel until we found an apartment for them and furnished it with what they needed. Jeremy got a job and got Kirk on with him but I don't think they were ever able to pay their rent with their drug addiction that I was still pretty clueless about how bad it was. I thought I could save them both. Jeanette and Rob were both working. Had a nice house, two new cars, fully extended credit cards and informed me that I would never get paid back for the recording equipment. Instead I went and babysat for them every day so they could make money. Watched them buy new clothes, movies, $3. a loaf breads, and drive their new cars. I did try to ask for my money back once and Jeanette got angry and I backed off and never mentioned it again.
It wasn't long before the money was gone. Jess got approved for section 8 housing and moved into a very nice townhome.

November 8, 2020

I am amazed at the weather, sitting outside in a tee shirt in November,  thank you global warming I guess, but it will freeze tomorrow night so i am bringing in my plants today. I got a 4 ft fluorescent light that I hope will keep them alive thru winter as although I dont think it will grow vegetables like I was hoping to this winter. That would require a real grow light that I cant afford.

Money is tight to put it lightly. Jeremy is getting a small amount of unemployment that helps but that will run out before long. I am very afraid for him to go back to work.  Covid is a worry for everyone this year but we live in a "hot spot" getting hotter by the day. And he is careless even when he is being careful. I barely trust him to go to the store safely. It is very hard to get him to take anything seriously and then add to that that his very nature is careless. He doesn't see Possible Consequence. He will put a drill with the bit still in it on a high shelf with the cord hanging down and then get upset if I say it is dangerously placed. That's just one example. I thought I could teach him but after years of things like this I had to realize that he just Doesn't See possible Consequence so I am hyper vigilant with him. Then came Covid. I went shopping with him many times watching him touch everything he looked at, reminding him that that was dangerous,  before he began to be a little more cautious but I still have to worry what he is like shopping without me. As my health has deteriorated I have had to trust him to do the shopping more and more and it is terrifying. I watch and too often still have to remind him to even wash his hands when he comes home. I know I will have to figure out how to isolate him from the family if he returns to working outside the home. S ok I as m trying to figure out how to survive on just my income. 

It may not be possible.

Right now I have been driving my car without plates for over a year and Jeremy's plates have been expired for months. Neither of us have a spare tire and Jeremy's car barely runs. We have a disconnect on the gas and water that is over 600. We had a little cushion that I hoped to get a vehicle legal with but we spent it trying to save Kiras cat. We were visiting Jessalynn in Lincoln on weekends but I have been afraid to without a spare tire the last month. Before Tiggy got sick I always had at least 200 in the bank that I could buy a tire and/or get a tow with. 

A bright spot.  I've started connecting with Kirk's mother, Dolly, who turns out to be someone I can actually talk to, someone who lives a similar life and understands. It actually helps a lot. It is also an added worry,  adding someone to my life who I might lose and grieve the loss of. But I believe she is worth that risk, and I believe she is equally happy to have someone who understands Her life.

Thank you, Dolly Mundell.

My Brother Michael

There is a book with that title, I believe written by Mary Stewart. This is not that.

A few days ago Mike messaged me that his wife had left him. I am stunned how much i hurt for him. Not surprised, I expect to feel any pain that he feels because I love him. It's the magnitude of what I feel that startles me. I can't go to him but I am so much already with him that the pain is stifling.  We are not close, haven't been for 18 years. He, in fact, has hurt me more than anyone in my life, and my heart aches for him. 

Tiggy in Kitty Heaven

Kira's Tiggy died at 2:30pm yesterday. 😭

We noticed Toggy wasn't acting right Saturday. When he was no better Sunday I started calling emergency vets, of course this happened on a weekend! Jami came and took Jeremy and Tiggy to the vet. They wanted $4000 to hospitalize him for suspected urinary obstruction and we didn't  have it and didn't qualify for credit needed so they drained his bladder and sent him home with meds. I really still thought we could save him!! He was given amoxicillin,  an antispasmotic for his urethra and pain medication. Just that was $700! Jami chipped in 300 of that which left us about 200 to find fellow up care. He was able to drink, got up a couple of times and drank and drank. He didn't use the box but peed himself in his bed many times so I thought the blockage was fixed and maybe the sedating meds were why he was lethargic and not using his box. He was no better Monday.  We started using a kid med tube to give him condensed milk which he seemed to like. I called vets and couldn't find any that could see him before Thursday besides the overpriced vet ER's. 

Yesterday morning he was much weaker, he had to struggle to even stand. By noon I was pretty sure he was actively dying. He was breathing slow and shallow and felt stiff, maybe from pain? Jeremy and I spent 2 hours holding and trying to save him. Gave him some pedialyte which picked up his heart rate but at this point I was worried that we were just extending his misery. We decided to give him his last dose of pain meds when we gave up saving him. His pupils were still refracting but I don't think he could see any more. Kira came down and I told her it was time to say good by. She sat and held him a few minutes but couldn't take it so Jeremy took him back and held him while he died. Both of us were crying, crying for our Tiggy and for the pain Kira was in. 

I went upstairs to tell Kira he was gone, she knew as soon as she saw me because I never climb those stairs anymore.  We sobbed together and then she asked to be alone so I left her. 

Jeremy and i still took turns holding him, just couldn't let go yet. He found a box and we gently put Tiggy in arranging him comfortable on a bath towel. I called Jami while Jeremy went to dig a grave. He even built a wood cross with Tiggy carved on it. Then Kira came down and asked if he could be cremated and I readily agreed. Anything to make this easier for her!! 

And it did make her feel a Lot better. I called a pet crematorium and made the arrangements and we took him there. 

When I was showing Kira a picture of the ash container she saw the process and started crying harder, saying she felt terrible at all the money we were spending trying to save and then cremating Tiggy. I held her tight and assured her that we all believed that Tiggy was worth every penny and for her to never think about that part again! 

We are a house of grief. 

I am haunted with wondering if I could have done more to save him and wondering if we should have just  put him down. I'm sure he suffered these last days even with the pain meds. 

I am also ANGRY thinking that maybe if I had that $4,000 to hospitalize him if he would still be here. ANGRY that poverty can decide life and death. ANGRY that there are probably people who have lost people fir the same reason. 

I would have gladly paid the $4,000 if I had it. Even if we sold everything we own we wouldn't have $4,000. 

If we weren't in a pandemic out of control Jeremy would still be working and we could have saved Tiggy. 

We love you Tigger!!

Editing

So if I go back and edit a post it reposts with the current date??!

That Sucks.

My Cousin Michelle

I just mailed a letter to Michelle in Wisconsin. I sincerely hope we can Really connect. We share the distinction of being the family Black Sheep. That alone should help bond us!! We both also seem to really need someone in our lived. That is most likely what will join us.

I remember Shelly being the favorite of the grandparents but I don't remember resenting her for it like her sister and others did. I happened to agree with Grandma that Shelly was awesome, and definitely the most beautiful of all of us!! 

I didn't see her a lot over the years,  mostly heard gossip from our self righteous family and she likely heard the gossips about me. I tried to connect with her after Steve and I split up but the Mike cut me completely off from the Kiser family for over 10 years and I lost her again. 

Maybe we will meet and dislike each other. But maybe we will be exactly what we each need to finish our lives.

We have decided to start with old fashioned letter writing, something we both enjoy and actually remember how to do! But ultimately I plan to see her. I consider flying her here but with my household I'm thinking I should try to get to her. It would be just Us there. She doesn't have a car. I will have to arrange a flight and then transportation once there but I am looking into it. 

My oh so very dependent household will have to figure out how to survive, something I try to get them to at least consider with my age and health failing.  Perhaps it will be their reality check. 

I want to see Michelle❣❣

September 13, 2020

Jeremy and I went to Lincoln to take Jessalynn some of her winter things and visit. We stopped at Buckeys for gas and drinks and walking out of the store I fell in the parking lot. Fell Hard. People came running and I couldn't get up so I laid there and screamed for Jeremy who was pumping gas. He picked me up assuring everyone he could take care of me while a woman started to pick up the spilled drink and things that scattered everywhere. I went down on my left side, felt like my knee and elbow were bleeding, my ankles were twisted, everything hurt!! Jeremy put me in the passenger seat and went in to get me a fresh drink while I struggled to get in the driver's seat. That caused exactly the blow out I expected but I could in no way picture riding with Jeremy driving!! Everyone who has ridden with him or viewed one of his totaled cars would understand that even if they didn't agree in this instance. I sat my ground.  Let him tell and kick the car until he eore out and got in the car. Then it started again when I declared I was still headed to Lincoln. Yes, I'm very stubborn. Dusnt even argue that point!! I tested my legs and feet and found I could still work the clutch, brakes and gas and I headed to Lincoln.

One reason I did was the fear that the next day would be the worst. Sometimes after an accident the next 4 days are actually progressively the worst.

And I wanted to see Jessalynn. 

Painful, but it was a good trip. I couldn't get inside to their dorms but Jessalynn and Brandon came down. She went through the tub of winter things we brought and selected what she needed and then we took them for dinner. Went to a place called Schumacher's they had been to with Brandon's dad, I th iij nk maybe we found our Lincoln restaurant! and then i drove us to Walmart and Jeremy took the kids in to get supplies to last till our next visit. 

It is always just a Joy to spend time with Jessalynn and Brandon!!!

While we were waiting for our food at Schumacher's I got a surprise call from Cousin Michelle. I had found an old Facebook page of hers last week and messaged that I would love to see her, didn't really expect a response, and she video calked!!!! I would answer Very Few calls while with the kids but knew I Had to take this one!! Michelle was So excited to be in touch!! We only spoke a few minutes but she told me she is all alone in this world in Wisconsin, disowned and abandoned by our family, that she tried to hang herself recently and Really needed Someone. I told her I would call when I got back to Omaha.

We connected around 10 pm. 

Michelle and I have spent very little of our adult lives together or even in touch. Even as we were kids growing up we seldom saw each other. We would both be at Grandma's in Kansas for some holidays and we both spent a summer there when I was 11 but that was pretty much it. Once when my family lived in Santa Maria and her family was also in California they came to visit for a day. All I remember of that is seeing pictures of all of us playing in the back yard.

Funny, I Felt much closer than to my cousins! I thought about them all the time, eavesdropped on any conversations about their family. I always thought Aunt Bonnie was one of the most beautiful women I knew and she was clearly my father's favorite sibling. Aunt Bonnie has 5 kids one after the other and the 2 girls were only 2 and 3 years younger than me. I always dreamed of having a sister so Michelle and Cindy were often my imaginary sisters.

Foxes

A couple of months ago I saw a fox for the first time. It ran across Ames Street one day in front of the car. I was glad Jeremy was with me and saw it, too, or I might have thought I imagined it!! After over 30 years in the midwest and almost 10 years on the farm I never saw a fox before. Then last week I saw another one run across Military Road coming home from Lincoln with Jessica. How odd!! They were both running very fast and just beautiful. I've heard that the Covid restrictions we live under has positively affected the environment and wildlife so I wonder if it has anything to do with these sightings??

Tues September 8, 2020

Our first cold day. Its welcome after some pretty intense heat but a chilly reminder that Winter Is Coming. 

It seems like there haven't been many real winters since I lived on the farm.  They were more intense because of our isolation but I believe they were actually much colder,  too. I remember blizzards in May and September and mountains of snow and every year I think maybe this one will be bad like those. 

I love fall. Have always loved fall.  In Texas it was always so welcoming after the blistering heat of summer. I would feel almost euphoric every autumn. After we moved to th he midwest I learned to appreciate the spring,  that first day above freezing and then the beauty of everything coming back to life but fall is still my favorite. 

And maybe,  maybe this year we'll have a Real winter again.

August 26, 2020

Nine AM and it's a beautiful morning,  sunny and 70 degrees, birds and insects chirping, leaves gently rustling in a little breeze, no human voices, a great morning to be alive. 

All my life I've taken mental snapshots of life trying to burn them into my memory. Now in my old age what I remember is that effort, but most of the snapshots content are gone. It makes me sad but then I realize that I at least know that I had a lot of magic moments, that I have more memories of wanting to remember than wanting to forget. The fine details might be gone but I know I've had a good life. 

What is odd to me is that if I sit and tell someone my life story, if I honestly tell the events of my life, most people believe they are hearing a sad story. I see pity and even horror in their response. Maybe I'm just a poor story teller.  Maybe clouds just have more impact than silver linings. Maybe I'm just delusional that I have had a good life. 

I stopped telling my story years ago except in bits and pieces to the grandchildren and in journals like this. However my story is perceived I have to say that the little things, like feeling the magic of a beautiful morning, should convey a beautiful life that I am thankful for.

Back to School

Jessalynn's classes started Monday and Jazz and Kira started remote school today. I saw the little girl ett old a little while ago and they said they were having a good time, Jazz even said it was fun. 😁

I've made three trips to Lincoln getting Jessalynn set up. I believe she and Brandon will be fine on campus. Well, I still worry about Covid exposure there,  but they seem fine and excited to get in their college setting. It makes a HUGE difference that they are together there.

I've been messaging Joey. She starts college next week and will be much farther from home and doesn't know anyone else going there but she says she is very excited about going. Her father and siblings are helping her move so at least she isn't driving up there alone. She is the one I am most worried about! But I have a Lot of faith in her.

So, here's to a brand new school year!!

Jessalynn to UNL

 Yesterday we took Jessalynn to move into Harper Hall at UNL. Jessalynn rode with Pat and Jessica rode with me and both cars were full of all the things we could think of that she might need for her new life. My emotions and thought were overwhelming. First, just bursting pride that this amazing granddaughter was starting college, was about to live a dream she had held and worked for all her young life. My joy for her brought tears to my eyes along with the heartache that she was going away from me. Not just physically, but she was going on to a stage of her life that I had no experience in, going places I too had dreamed of but never reached. The positive evolution of our family. She is leading where I hope all my grandchildren will follow. 

I would be afraid for her under any circumstances going off on her own but Covid adds that extra fear that I can't even grasp, don't want to have to. Yes, a part of me hoped college would be delayed for the pandemic danger but I also didn't want to face her disappointment if Covid crushed her dreams. I had to pray that colleges would open and that she would be safe, bulletproof, like many idiotic leaders claim young people are. 

I am so very thankful I lived to see this day. 

This Morning

It is a beautiful morning. Sunny but breezy and still very comfortable in the shade. One o those mornings that makes Everything feel possible. 

My New Family Dynamic

Family has  been my whole world. I have considered many family who I e had to discard, some drifted away, and some joined my family rising to become Some of the Best.

Rob was my family all his teen years and into adulthood but I lost him when he got lost in meth. Hr hurt me deeply during his drug years, as deeply as anyone has ever hurt me. When he said it was over I held back for years watching him. Making sure. Many people have claimed to be off drugs  but actually only hid it better. When I first started seeing his girlfriend Tiff at school functions for our kids I stood back and just watched. Her son Jet is the same age/grade as Kira and Jazz. I started making sure I stood near her at school functions, at first to eavesdrop on her interactions with others and then I slowly started speaking to her. Jeanette noticed and I told her I was just doing it to get a reaction out of Rob to not be labeled a traitor talking to the ex's girl and it was actually the truth. 
Tiffany didn't rebuff me at All. For a couple of years we would talk about whatever the kids were doing and I had to throw out my old prejudiced to really see who I was talking to. She was a very involved and loving mother to Jet. She also constantly expressed interest in not only Robs children but also mine, his nieces. After a few years of this I started greeting Rob when he came to school functions too. This was hard for me at first and a little fake. What I saw in Rob was a huge relief that I was being friendly and an almost desperate searching for the huge love I had for him Before. We used to say "fake it till you make it" in salesmanship. I remember the day I realized I was no longer faking a connection with Rob. We were at a trampoline place for a kids party and I said something about shoveling my driveway and Rob said, "Hey!I'll still come shovel for you anytime!" And the wall I had erected so I couldnt feel the love we had before started to crumble a little.
After that all pretense was gone, I knew I truly was starting to care for him again. Tiffany was just too good to be true to me. (Oh wow. 2025, I knit tour was absolutely Not True!! Scheming Bitch!!) I struggled accepting who she seemed to be for another year but she kept pushing through all my preconceived notions about her and I started wondering if she might actually be ok. (2025 - She WASN'T/ISN'T!)
Jeanette never really warmed up to Tiff but even she admitted many times that she felt that Tiff was good for her kids. She even stated once that Tiffany was the reason she trusted her children visiting their father. (2025 - We bitterly laughed about this last week!)
Then this BOMB exploded  between Jeanette and Jenise last March. It blew up our whole family as it relates to Jeanette.  I was told to get Jenise and keep her. I told Jeanette that instead I had called Rob and Tiff to step in because, well I'm sick and old. I asked Jeanette if that was ok and she didnt respond but I assumed it was ok with her. (2025 - NEVER ASSUME!) Just three months ago Jeanette had sent the kids to Rob and Tiff for Christmas stating she and David couldnt afford to give them Christmas. Rob and Tiff stepped in and did magnificently by the kids.
Now, Rob, Tiff and I have been lumped together and vilified by Jeanette publicly for Months, and Vilified isn't nearly stong enough a word for it!!
It has been one of the worst experiences of my life an I have no clue how to fix it because I'm not sure exactly what I did wrong. 

Rob and Tiff still have Jenise and she is doing ok.

2020 Fourth of July

This year we had to break our family tradition of going to Ralston for the Fourth because it and most other celebrations were canceled because of Covid19. Our neighbor Martel had our street closed for a block party with a bouncy house, he even rented a porta potty for this! We were invited but didnt really join them, mostly because I know that the women on our block dont care for us. (Sadly it feels like this is because of racism.) Jeremy bought a lot of fireworks and Jessalynn, Brandon, Jenise and Victoria joined us and we made a big barbecue dinner. The firework show we all put on was pretty spectacular! All of north Omaha shot thousands of dollars into the sky until it was so smokey you could barely see a block away. The firework stands made record breaking sales this year because the big shows were canceled. I felt a little choked up looking around us and seeing huge fireworks lighting the sky in all directions, feeling like a part of one huge joint celebration all United to make a magical night for this Fourth!
I felt bad that I didn't participate in the Monopoly game going on before and after the fireworks but I was pretty much incapacitated from the preparation for the party. I got up yesterday and mowed the 2 foot hogh lawn and I made the potato salad and ended up barely able to walk. After the fireworks my feet fell asleep while I was walking around, which has never happened before and I was dizzy and nauseated. All day I jeptcfeeling my lips and hands going numb, I dont believe I am able to move the lawn any more, I shouldn't have yesterday, but it was really sweet because when Jessalynn heard that I had she insisted that I never try to do it again and said that she or Brandon would come and do it from now on. The thing is that Jeremy should really take care of things like this but often I'd rather do things myself than deal with his attitude if I ask him.
Anyway, it was a pretty special night. We were forced to celebrate at home because of the pandemic but the silver lining was that it in no way diminished the feeling of family, unity and pride of this holiday. 

An out of Time and Space feeling

I doubt I titled this correctly.
All my life I experienced the feeling that I knew things that I had never been taught. This feeling started when I was just eight years old, got stronger as I grew up and then started fading the last twenty years until I almost completely forgot about it. Just very rarely I am reminded that I ever felt that way. Like today.
I was watching a Netflix special on Bob Lazar and he was drawing and explaining element 1115. When he started illustrating and explaining how the element is made I realized that I knew what he would say and draw next and I was 100% correct. I froze and Then realized that I used to feel this way all the time. Deja vu. It spooked me and in that moment I couldn't believe that i had forgotten the feeling, that i had ever felt that way. I don't remember anything specific, I just know that for most of my life this was a part of me. When I was a teenager I was very vocal about it. I remember at times thinking that people should think I was crazy for the things I said but that instead they Listened, believed, and were sometimes afraid of what I said.
Somehow, along with my ability to express myself in writing, these episodes went away. I don't doubt that it was real and I feel like understanding what IT was and why it went away is just out of my grasp.
Maybe it is just the fading mind from aging.  Surely that has something to do with it.  But I have no understanding of why I ever experienced these things at all.
With today's Episode coming from something scientific makes mr wonder if my father's connection to the space program is somehow involved like it's something inherent or related to growing up around this kind of science.
But I shouldn't have had any understanding of Element 115.
I have grieved for my writing muse. It was gone for years before I even noticed, which seems odd, but I just today realized that this part of me is also gone. It makes me wonder if I had a purpose I didn't fulfill so it was all taken away. Or maybe it was just Use It Or Lose It. I know that when i changed drastically, the year after Steve and i split up, i became so wrapped up in that experience that i almost lost my sanity. There was no room for the part of me that dreamed and imagined of intangible things. I became a dreary, earth bound creature living in an unbearable NOW. I am a completely different person and again, didn't even realize this had happened for years.
Just very rarely do I have an experience like I did today that makes me aware that I lost Who I was before 2001.
I was a deeply spiritual yet scientific, creative free thinking person before. I often feel that who I was died and that I am a shell of that person going through the motions to finish the earthly things that I have to before my body dies.
I've laughed once or twice in the last 20 years but sadly at the other end I have cried a lot. Grief and sorrow still exist. I also have grieved for my connection to God, to spirituality. I remember feeling so strongly that it felt like I would burst into a ball of light.
Now I struggle to say I believe in anything intangible at all.
I was fascinated studying the pineal gland a few years ago. Played with the idea that my Lost Self was caused by this access point collapsing and still wonder if anything of my Self could return if I could reactivate the gland.
But then, these days, I will forget I was even considering trying this before I even start. My memory issues are so severe that I will read something I write like this a month later and have no idea of the thoughts behind it, maybe even destroy it because it sounds "crazy".
But right now in this moment I know that this is/was very real.
I like to think that if I lost who I was because I failed to accomplish what I was supposed to, if i truly failed at my mission as a human, that it was taken from me and given to someone else to complete. Maybe something I shared of these things was followed through by a listener, maybe I didn't totally fail to use the gifts I was given. Maybe I didnt fail at all, maybe i was always meant to just be the hyphen mark in the conversation.
Mucu more comforting than believing that i failed.

Symptoms undiagnosed and troubling

Fullness upper left abdomen beginning approximately one year ago and then sharp pain just below the ribs that was intermittent and is now constant. The pain is both deep and shallow and is worse when laying on my right side.
Sharp intermittent pain in knees radiating to focal points in the outer thigh. Also very sharp pain in both hips.
Not totally undiagnosed but new, a light and fairly constant wheeze in lungs.
Arrhythmia that is uncomfortable but not painful, mostly in the evening.
Racing pulse with any exertion.
Nausea. Numbness in the pads of my feet. This week, very localized pain in the solar plexus that radiates to the navel.
Severe head pain that burns in the forehead and at the base of ny skull. Not constant, most likely in the evening, sometimes so severe that I feel paralyzed occasionally experienced with an out of body sensation.
Maybe all unrelated to each other.
Mental condition: Overly emotional, often experiencing deep regret, occasionally fear, and withdrawal from family. Nightmares. Memory loss that I'd frustrating and at times frightening.
I did see a doctor about the upper left feeling of fullness when it began but nothing was found to cause it. Have had a lower and upper endoscopy last year that showed nothing that would cause any symptoms but I did have teo bleeding ulcers that have healed since discontinuing all NSAIDS.  Have not seen a doctor since everything started escalating because of the Covid19 pandemic.

Jessi and Jami in Texas

The girls left for Texas yesterday so Jess could visit her boyfriend, Josh. I am scared having them so far away and feel just incomplete without them. I wish so badly that I had been able to take them!! Even though there is a good chance they are safer than they would have been traveling with me. Also, when I was dreaming of being able to drive them myself, I was thinking it would be the last time I saw Texas.
I'll probably never go there again. I remember how excited I used to get as I got closer to my home state, how thrilling to pass the skyline of Dallas and then just feel my heart bursting when Houston came into view.
I was born there, lived a third of my life there, but it hasn't been Home since Mom died. Maybe longer.
Nebraska is my home.  I will die here.
But a huge piece of my heart is in Texas right now and I want it back.
Please God bring my girls safely home to me.

Seeing My Mother

When did I start seeing my mom as a person and not just as my mother. I remember a very small beginning on the farm, a flash of insight, quickly gone.
Now I'm pretty sure I have only scratched the surface of who she was. I feel great shame for the years I couldn't/wouldn't? See her.
A lot of even my memory of her as a mother is very, very, muddled. My brothers perception has been at war with mine since Daddy died.
I remember a horrible recording someone made of a fight between her and my brothers. A screaming fight that turned physical. It may have actually started between my brothers, yes, I think it did, and Nom jumped in to help Herbert hitting Mike over the head with a frying pan. Mike had Herb pinned in the bathtub and after Mon hit Mike he grabbed her and pushed her into the tub with Herbert. Then there is an anguished scream from me and the tape abruptly ended.
My anguished cry was "Mamma!!"
That tape, that cry, haunts me to this day.

Turning 62

I am 62 years old today. I dont have much feeling about that. I dont believe I ever thought about or planned to be this age. 

At 30 and 40 and maybe 50 I felt compelled to access myself. Dont feel that so much anymore. 

I am grateful that I am here to take care of everyone in my household and Jessalynn and Jenise.  

I remember feeling like I Must have a purpose on earth, constantly waiting for messages from God or just circumstances that made me feel a Purpose. 

Maybe I fulfilled any purpose I may have had. 

Maybe its time

I'm in a new place today. I've always had some fear of dying. Of ceasing to exist. I've felt an overwhelming fear whenever I've been faced with death. Yet today I almost feel a longing for it. A real exhaustion when I think about continuing to live. All day I have been figuring out how to make sure those I take care of will be taken care of without me here. I have no desire to be alive beyond making sure what is left of my family will survive. There is nothing else I myself desire to do or experience in this life. I dont know how long I have felt this way but it has been coming to this point for a long time.
I know I failed at my main goal in this life, to raise God loving, productive, children. I had a lot more goals when I was young,  but when I passed the age to reach them I told myself that the only real goal in my life was to be a good mother, a good person.
I spent years realizing how far I had missed reaching that goal.
I still have no clue how I managed to fail. The realization that my daughters all actually hated me confused me for years. I still dont really know Why. I just know it really doesnt matter. It just Is.
I've thought that i could just be there for my grandchildren, maybe be something to and for them, that i could continue even as i wondered if i was just raising another generation to hate me. Jessalynn is the only one i believe actually knows and yet loves me. Truly loves me. And that has to be enough. I am humbled and grateful that she is here to give the life I have lived the meaning I wanted it to have.
Maybe we all die wishing there had been more. Why else would we yearn for a Heaven if this life were truly fulfilling?  I dont know.
I've never really considered killing myself. No matter how bad life got, and I have lived through some terrible times! But now, right now, if I can be assured that Kira and Jazz will be ok, that is all I have left to do.
Yes, Jeanettes unending attack probably is what has worn me down to this point, but I was already headed here. With the Emphysema I've expected to have three years left. Even as I felt some relief hearing that I still felt dread and a desire to do all i could in those years. Now I just don't want them at all. I certainly dont want to spend even a second being a helpless invalid within this family in this life, and that is how my three years would end.

Christmas 2011

So, Christmas started out pretty good, largely thanks to Jenny and Target. Jess, Jenny, Jami, Lindsey, and Riz showed up for Christmas morning with Riz and Kirk changing places during the morning. The kids were so excited and happy that I was feeling a little bit good about the holiday after all. I started cooking tempura maybe around noon and made the last batch around 10 pm. Nett got here in the evening but her kids stayed wtih Rob. Jen left early. There was something bad brewing with Jami all day and everyone felt it and the tension got worse and worse all day as people came and went. I took Nett home around nine and things blew out of control shortly after I got home from that. It was a nightmare with Lindsey hiding in the bathroom with the little ones. So it all ended on a terible note and I won't go into the details, we will all remember them well enough or better yet for get them.
Bah humbug.
The wonderful things.
Having Lindsey here for Christmas again.
Seeing Jessalynn thrilled with her Christmas and with the puppy she amd Jaz got.
Thinking about my mother, hearing her voice in my head, while cooking the Tempura.
Watching Kira and Jaz play with their toys all day.
Sharing the best parts of the day with Jenny.
Looking at Jeremy and knowing we worked together for this day.
We all survived.

Little Old Stories

I still handwrite journals although not nearly daily. I'm realizing that it is very unlikely that anyone will ever read them. Especially as my handwriting has deteriorated considerable these last few years. A lot would be illegible even if someone cared enough to try.
Even these likely will never be read even if I leave the website with the passwords for those I will leave behind.
Also, i have been thinking about the stories i have never written anywhere or told anyone. I don't know if they would be useful or mean anything to Anyone after I am gone. And there is a LOT I have never told about that I still remember. None of them are happy stories, but they could be things that could help someone to know.
I leave huge chunks out of my teen years out of stories, some of my childhood, and a smattering of things from my adult life. I'm thinking about putting some on  this Blog somewhere. Wondering if there are still some I can't repeat. Last year I attempted to share one of those stories with Jessalynn and to my surprise and her dismay I couldnt go on after the first few words. I choked and tears came to my eyes and Jessalynn quickly changed the subject to save me. 
God I love her so very, very, much!!!!
I have never expressed to my children or grandchildren that I desired them to grow up and be like me. I wanted them to learn from me and decide to be Better than me. Jessalynn has done this so amazingly. Yes, I believe I have had the opportunity and pleasure of being closer to than any other of my children and grandchildren. I knew we would have an amazing bond when she was just three but it has surpassed everything I ever dreamed of. My only regret with her is that I believe that she will be the most affected by my death. But, then again, she will be best prepared to handle and get over it
I reslly hope that is true!!

Morning

I love sitting outside in the morning, listening to all the birds, feeling the cool breeze left over from the night. A really pretty bird landed right by me this morning, black with a beautiful blue sheen.  It reminds me of mornings on the farm.
I miss the farm still. The simplicity, the beauty, and the feeling of safety even though it really wasn't safe.
I don't think I have felt the joy and peace I often felt there. Only 1 neighbor within a mile of us.
Now we crowd in wherever we can fit and afford. Sad.

Fridays

Jessalynn has made Friday our New Family Day. She came one Friday afternoon and then said it should be a weekly get together so now it is. 😁 We try to socially distance still but today will be our largest group yet. And it's a Tempura Day this time. Less than 10 people in the house but it'll still be more crowded than it should with Covid19.   It will be fun but exhausting.
We'll see what's left of ne tonorrow!!
Yesterday Jeremy and I got a lot of the garden in, happy about that, blistered hands, cuts, aching muscles but hopefully it pays off. 

Body betrayal

I do feel betrayed by my body, I wonder if all old people feel this way. I was always so strong, I felt capable of anything and everything. Almost any question of Can you I would answer Yes.
Struggling to get a garden planted. My house is a wreck as always because i cant keep it up. But i want to cling to this love of mine, growing things, so badly that i walk through the cluttered house and face the sun and earth. And it just kicks my ass. I got the soil turned and ready with Jeremy's help yesterday but went out today to prepare to plant and was in too much pain to drag the soil into rows.
Yes, I'm older, older than my 61 years after always being young for my age. My crooked body betrays me.
I'm not ready to be immobile.  To give up. I Will get a garden in one more year.
And maybe, just maybe, I'll figure out how to overcome this betrayal.
Or at least die trying.
I'm not at all finished with gardening or anything. In my head I still go hiking, chop down trees, fix cars, build things and rule my world.
I must Overcome.
If I planned to have a tombstone that's what it should say. She Overcame the Betrayal.

Later

Life can seem so normal if you dont look too close. Like now, sitting on my porch listening, to, watching it rain,voices of diddtefent neighbors gathered on their porches, too.
And then it hits you again. THERE IS A DEADLY PANDEMIC OUT THERE that is changing the whole world. It just isnt real. Like a movie about the aftermath of WW111 or, get this, a big plague. It's just not real.
Will life ever be "normal " again??
And how normal was our lives?? Five year old me would see the oreoandemiv world itself as really  crazy.
And again, what is that feeling? WHAT AM I MISSING? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE??

May 16,2020

I very seldom know what day or date it is anymore. I hear that's a common thing since the pandemic and quarantines started. I wonder if journaling has also become more common.
I loved hand britten journaling.  The feel of pen on paper, the almost magical flow of words. It's hard to feel that like this, pecking it out on a phone. A laptop was easier to get lost in it but oh well, dont have that now.
Some days I am still stunned to wake up in this New World. A lot of days I have been terrified, that's getting less now, not because it's all less frightening but I'm afraid its because we are getting used to the New World. Add the word Order to that and you have the comments of a million conspiracy theorists.
I know everyone with any contact with others is a threat, including people like me who are careful to avoid going out in public and take crazy precautions when we do. But when a loved one comes over it is almost impossible to treat them the same as we do strangers now. I wonder if everyone is feeling this. I KNOW Jessalynn and Brandon still work in the public and live with families who all have their own levels of risk. Even Jenise,  fiercely guarded by Tiffany,  is still at risk from Rob having to go out to work every day. We keep more distant than before but not six feet and not always wearing masks. When Jenise looks at me longingly and lovingly I HAVE to hug her tight. How many of us will become sick or even die for this love before this is over?
And is THIS ever going to end? It is only logical that Covid19 is not the first and wont be the last threat like this to humanity. Do we cower alone to stay safe from everything forever? What would be the point? We all will die someday, many have extolled over the folly of dying without having Lived.
I have thought too much about my death during this. Terrified of how many could be hurt by me dying. Who will take care of my family plus I'm not nearly done teaching them what I need to. I'm not even through learning what I need to!!
So often, like feeling a word you are trying to remember hovering on the edge of your mind, on the tip of your tongue, i get a fleeting thought that there is Something important that i know, some missing piece of the puzzle, that I can almost grasp and then it slips away so quickly I believe I am imagining it. That sounds crazy. (At least I know that!)
It makes me want to silence the world, just shh and sit and meditate but when I do I find silence.
It's also part of the brain issue(s) I am dealing with. Maybe that's all it is?? In getting old, have White Matter Disease, a little dementia starting maybe.
But I am still very much in here.
Wow, and now I'm rambling.....

A Pretty Awesone Day (in spite of ..)

Jessalynn has declared Friday our family get together day. She and Brandon came the last two weeks and today we included Jenise too. It just felt so beautiful even with all the trauma and trash in other parts of our lives and families.
We played CAH, had dinner,  and then e everyone but me played a couple more games. Wonderful to have the house ringing with young voices and laughter again!! Good move Jessalynn starting this!!

The Jeanette drama continues

I really cant grasp this whole thing. Its sitting like a rock too big and heavy to lift, we can just roll it around and peek under the edges trying to figure out what the hell it is.
I never dreamed this thing with Nett would last this long or go this far. It was like some kind of temporary insanity that's become permanent. All my theories on what caused it or what could fix it have proven to be meaningless or just wrong.
The day Jenise sent me copies  of Jeanettes post about seeing me at Walmart hit me hard. Not just because of the hateful things she wrote, but because there was some part of me that believed still that if Jeanette actually SAW me or even heard my voice that she would remember who I am. What I have been for her and her children.
 Awfully big headed of me, I know,  but also just being a mother. In my defence, I have seen children who were severely abused by a parent who could talk about the abuse and see it for what it was yet be overwhelmed with love for that parent when confronted with them. No, I am not saying Jeanette was ever abused by Steve or me, just making a point. I really thought that she broke all communication with me because she couldnt keep up her lies face to face.
The truth might be that she doesnt think she is lying about anything. That's hard to believe, like her saying she never left her kids with ne to be with John Ways, but I JBIE she believes that because I have confronted her her about it. Like her equally ludicrous claim that she has taken care of me. She really believes these things. So very likely she believes the things she now says about Jenise, me, and everything that has happened lately. She does waver over whose fault this mess is between Jenisr and me,  but in no way can she consider that She could be the problem.
That's terrifying. For everyone involved.