Not Feeling Damned

My Jeanette is BACK. She is in the best mental place I have seen her in for 10 years.  And she really helped me the other day. 

I'm so low, this break up is killing me and one of the worst parts was feeling like I failed.  I've often felt like Jeremy was a test of my spirit and faith. I've often prayed,  "Dear God,  if this is a test I am going to fail!! Please tell me it is not"

I told Jeanette about that and she said, "Jeremy isn't,  wasn't,  a test for you! He was your punishment for really Bad things in a past life" and bells and whistles went off in my head.  Could she be right?? I didn't Fail,  but I finished my punishment????? It feels wonderful to contemplate!!!!

Ok. I need him gone.  And to hear from Jami.  

I'm gonna make it. 

Jeremy still here

...with no real plans to leave.  No care for anything I want or need.  Most of the time it feels like No One really cares except Jenise. Not really.  

Besides feeling heartbroken and humiliated,  I'm afraid about how long I have been sick,  vomiting every day,  exhausted,  in pain everywhere.  I'm terrified for my country,  the country I will leave my family in when I die.  

I don't know if I am afraid of death.  Not more than any one else.  Death is inevitable but still a shock when given a death sentence.  I've had several in my life but only the last year or so feel that it is likely imminent.  I have a Dr appointment in 9 days with Jeanette's Dr. Lynn Jeffrey. I might try to get a sooner appointment for a couple of things really worrying me.  

I hate the way Kira treats me when I say I CAN'T do things.  If I say I am too ill she says "You are always sick" and I'm sure it seems that way.  I'm 66 with failing health.  I get that.  She often acts like I must not care what she wants to do.  Like today.  She is upset I say I am not up to taking her clothes shopping.  I told her that Jeremy could take her (her "grandpa" these days but she doesn't want to do that because he can't drive freeways and it's a half hour ride going through town.  It's definitely not that she doesn't care what others feel.  She feels plenty about poor Jeremy.  It's me.  Never good enough.  Never doing enough. Always letting her down.  Sometimes it really makes me wish I was already dead. 

One thing I fear about death is the feeling that I have failed in this life and will be doomed to repeat it.  Many times I have prayed for guidance about Jeremy,  telling God that if Jeremy in my life is some kind of test I am failing it.  Most of the time it feels like he is a punishment making me wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this and will this lifetime be enough punishment for whatever I did in the past?  Frightening.  

I am so alone.  

Jeremy back in the house

 Yes.  When I agreed to let him come it was supposed to be until he could arrange to go to

 Missouri or at least get his own place.  Then I hear him tell Jess he'd like us to have pecan pie for Thanksgiving.  He's unpacking.  He's sitting on the porch outside my bedtime window smoking weed and blaring his music.  I'm sitting on the sled on the back deck because all of the chairs or here are wet. 

Being depressed about the election doesn't help!! 

I can't see anything but how mean and abusive he has been.  How he has survived 22 years playing on my sympathy.  His One Skill.  Stupid as a rock but idiot savant playing on people's sympathy.  He has Jess and the girls completely snowed still. I think I just want to die but before I die I want this loyal family to SEE who they have backed.  For years I listen to complaints about him,  they always tell ME and expect me to confront him for them because it's my fault he has been here and because they never wanted to deal with the task of confronting him. Now,  when I finally Agree with them and tell him it's over I AM THE BAD GUY.  POOR JEREMY.  I need to leave them in his care before I die!! If they are truly happy I will stay gone.  I may stay gone even if they remember how miserable he is to be around.  

I will pay the taxes on the house with the portion of our savings Jeremy so generously shared with me,  get my van fixed,  and leave.  I just have to decide where to go.  I will only have my $800 SSI. The ADC for Kira,  which I haven't received since buying this house,  will end and probably the guardianship pay I get for Jazz, too. Jess can probably claim the $300 ADC for Kira but the guardianship will end.  They can try to survive on Jeremy's SSI. I supported all of us for years on less than he gets.  

But where to go? I have temporary places to go for immediately but I might need more,  somewhere permanent if I don't die soon enough.  I'm going to look into nursing homes.  I know I qualify but I don't know how good a place I can get into with only $800 SSI. If Steve does before me I will get more but I'm pretty sure he is healthier than me!! Definitely happier so I guess he wins the divorce! Funny,  I always thought I "won" because I ended up with the kids and grandchildren.  Silly me. Wait,  I do end up with Jeanette and Jenise and Phillip!!! and that really cancels out what I lose.  Funny.  I've really helped them the Least.  And they are loyal.  It helps that Jeremy's Pity Party doesn't fool them but maybe I win just because they actually love me.  

I so much wish Mom and Herbert were still alive! But I have to believe they are waiting for me on the other side or I will go insane.  And my Obi. Unconditional Love.  

I have Jami,  too, even though she is mad at me right now.  I've never thought this family would take care of her after I'm gone. I will take her with me if I can if that's still what she wants. 

I'm going to have to figure out how to be a little selfish. I can't be selfish like Jeremy is, I pray I don't even have that in me! but I need to turn off the feeling like I have to take care of everyone else.  

  

Post election

 Already battling depression,  today I woke to the new that this remarkably ignorant country elected Donald Trump president AGAIN.  The first time I thought maybe it was the peoples way of saying they just wanted a change of how the government was run.  That was how I accepted it then. Now,  I have no words,  no defence for the over 50% of citizens who elected him AGAIN.  A CONVICTED FELON.  A WOMANIZER.   I hear that men think he is"macho". I know that women like me poured out to vote against him.  Were there not enough women? And the races of people he is prejudiced against? I do not understand. 

I am ashamed of America. 

Invisible

 I am. No one sees or cares that I am in pain.  It is literally all Poor Jeremy.  I put 22 years into whatever our relationship was.  22 years of taking care of him.

FOOTNOTE: I get over this...

Gone

 It's always odd dealing with Major Change, when your world is altered. There isn't a lot to miss with Jeremy leaving because he's just sat on the couch for the last 2 years.  Now old habits need to be broken.  I still glance at where he sat on this couch when I walk by and am surprised that he isn't there.  It's not so much missing him but it can feel like something is missing from the old picture.  Like How long will that be thought of as His spot.  He's been with us 22 years. 

I might start feeling pity for him,  a lingering habit like checking his spot,  but I turn it off when it first starts.  Yes, he is pity worthy.  Most of his screw ups are brain damage. Not that he is always unaware of what he does and  says that is is bad or wrong.  He never admits to anything but his face will show his guilt. Like when he lays hands on people, strikes a child. Often in those moments some part of him believes that he has the Right to do whatever he does but he is very aware that there will be consequences.  If anyone saw it and I am not there,  he will begin begging them not to tell me about it.  

He is in his late 40s but behavior like that sounds like I am talking about a child of mine.  Don't tell Mom!! 

If I am there or find out later, he always starts with a denial. I didn't see what i say I saw. It was an accident. He were just playing. Then he starts giving his Reasons for Hitting, Pushing, Pointing a Knife, wrecking the car. Then it is someone else's fault if it happened at all. 

Update:

What he did was called "gaslighting"                       I just learned that term. 

Its not worth it

 I started my life completely over after Steve 23 years ago. I don't see that happening again. I Do have more support this time, Jenise, Jeanette, Jami and Phillip and a few friends. I really thought I'd  have more. 

I so very much wish Jeremy has taken the offer I made. It doesn't really make sense that he refused the house.  It felt like he was just taking what I wanted and needed. Plus his attachment to the car he doesn't take care of.  

I HATE everything about being back here.  The atmosphere feels deadly to anyone with feelings. I'm talked to like a altzheimer old lady or a small child if I'm talked to at all.  Not like the person who has always taken care of everything and every one. When Brandon was helping Jeremy load his car they asked where the keys were and I said that I threw them by the car. Then Brandon came to my room and, looking at me like I was the naughty child he was about to accuse me of being, he said, "Now Grandma. You Say you want him to leave, so just tell me where you hid the keys". I got up, went outside, and there they were. They had slid or got kicked under the van but they were there for anyone looking for them. No apology. Brandon left after Jeremy and really I hope I never see him again. Being worthy of an apology after being accused like that would have helped but just the Tone wouldn't have been forgiven. Not now. Not ever.

I feel Raw like I'm covered in road rash. 

Am I going to keep paying the bills Here and taking care of them? Funny, Jess came out and patted me on the shoulder and said, "Don't worry. I want you to know that I will always take care of you". No One Even Realizes That I Am Taking Care Of Them. Jeremy did a little driving and took out the trash when he remembered,  but Nothing else and has no clue that I've been taking care of him for 22 years. But I actually thought the others Knew.  For a little over a year Jess started keeping the house decent and cooking. I praise her Every Single Day. We lived in abject filth for years after I couldn't do it all any more. But Jess can't drive or take care of any kind of business that requires talking to, dealing with, other people. They all still need someone for those things. Jeremy refused to step up and take this house with those responsibilities.  Who will do it? And if I continue, what happens to them when I die? I've tried to keep going until the girls could take over but they are young and So Not Ready or Capable. 

But I don't feel like I am fighting death any more.  This last week makes that feel pointless and not worth the pain. 

Jess after Jeremy

 Here's another one who I will think I have figured her out and then realize I know nothing.  I know she got some very delusional thinking when she was using much like Jami has that I found out is sadly true about a lot of drug addicts. They can create and believe"facts" about their family that help them explain to themselves how they ended up and addict etc. Jess got to where I think she questioned her version but maybe she just stopped voicing it.  When Jeremy and I started arguing loudly she told me with sincere tears in her eyes that it gave her flashbacks to Steve and me fighting all the time.  I told Nett and Jami thinking maybe I was the one who didn't remember but both were shocked. It just wasn't like that.  Yes, we fought bitterly at the end but the kids were out of the house.  Growing up Nett and Jami remember one night of arguing loudly.  I yell a lot but Steve? He barely yells if he's on fire.  It was NOTHING like living with Jeremy.  

Then last night I tried to talk to Jess,  I made a little self deprecating joke and smiled as I did meaning to show that I saw the humor,  that I could and did laugh at myself,  and she looked all concerned,  spoke in the gentle tone for dealing with crazy people and asked, "Why are you smiling like that? You're scaring me"

Granted, I'm drowning in 50 shaded of sorrow, I couldn't see my face,  the smile likely looked as forced as it was, I think anyone else would have seen it as an effort,  not as a sign of insanity. That and the triggered flashback are Very Concerning. She really is of her rocker sometimes. Usually she is a cute,  childlike nutty, but I can't stand the acting like she is actually the only Sane one. Even when I am crazy blowing up and freaking out I can make a phone call without having a panic attack.  I double check my reality with others experiencing it to make sure I am on track.  We are all crazy in some way,  that's why we were instructed not to throw the first stone and to worry about the moat in our own eye. Unbelievable how many go through life without even knowing what those 2 things mean. 

Jeremy gone

 He left last night.  He HAD to go,  I've known that,  been advised that, for years, but I'm me. Just couldn't throw in the towel.  I do hate failure! I'm glad sometimes that my memory is going so fast, I can't look at my life and compare how many failures vs success,  I don't remember enough of either! I just hope my whole life hasn't been a failure. I hope there is more than that to my legacy. 

I was wondering how many of my goals in life were accomplished and realized that I can't even remember what they were! I'll see it crystal clear on Judgement Day. I guess I'll spend what I have left working to not end up in Hell for whatever I've done or not done. I don't even understand why Jeremy left the way he did.  I tried to give him the house and the van he had the money to fix it and he absolutely refused,  wanted his car. ? Maybe it was that the house came with the responsibility of taking care of the kids and Jess?? I understand very little of what he's done and said. Or maybe he just wanted the car because i wanted it.   

It's just a sad story. 

FOOTNOTE: He just wanted the car because I wanted it.  He did want to stay and have me leave and now he is like a lost soul.  He started texting me,  sounds so weird!! Like he is definitely trying to be a different person but talks to me like I haven't met him.  It is pitiful,  would be if I had pity left for him! 

This Home

 Sometimes I can't believe this is my house.  Our house. We own it and it is Wonderful. I can't feel it a lot of the time like when I think of Jeanette's situation. Then I feel something like guilt.  And Jeremy doesn't seem to feel anything about owning this house. This Home. But it is truly wonderful! No more worries about being homeless or how my girls and grandchildren will survive after I'm gone.  They have a home.  

Sometimes it feels like it's not real,  like I'm trespassing here and then I realize it's our home and I feel something like Awe.

We have a home.

Parotidectomy

 I had my surgery on the 16th and spent one night in the hospital.  It's the 23rd now and the incision is infected,  started antibiotics yesterday and feel better today. This has been a gruesome recovery!! I never want to do anything like this again! The pain has been unbelievable but I think a lot of that is because it got infected.  The drain was removed on the 23rd, that was fun! and it is leaking now because it's infected. Pretty gross!

I really wish I hadn't scheduled the surgery when school was starting - that made everything a lot harder.  It feels like I've been on the run ever since I got out of surgery. No rest. 

I gotta quiet about this somewhere. 

Jami was arrested and Dave and I went to her hearing right after my surgery so I had that drain tube coming out of the side of my neck.  We were sitting in the waiting area outside the court room and everyone was trying to not state at my drain tube full of blood.  Dave started craving jokes,  I wish I could remember them!! All about how every one was wishing they had a sexy drain tube like mine. I couldn't stop laughing because he wouldn't do popping off with different jokes about it.  He was just amazing.  I was still in treatung pain and scared we wouldn't get Jami out of jail but for that time waiting for court I felt no pain or worry. And then we went in and won Jami's freedom and sitting behind her with my sexy drain tube definitely helped her case!!!! 

Thank you Dave❣️

Jeremy the Father

 I just saw a collection of paintings by a Ukranian artist known as Soosh about fatherhood and was so very touched that every one of them made me think of Jeremy with the grandkids growing up, especially when they were little. He does suck with older kids but I don't think he yet receives any of the credit he is due for his early care from the kids and definitely not from me and the other adults in our family.  I feel ashamed of that and will start correcting that thinking right now. Maybe I can figure out how to copy and paste those paintings here.

See the tiny tea cup?

Every one of these bring back a memory of Jeremy with the kids. The paintings are of a father daughter relationship but I see the boys in some of them, too. 

Worlds of Fun

 Jeremy and I took Jasmine,  Kira, Shy and Riley to WOF and 2 of Kiras friends met us there and no one took a single picture or bought a souvenir!! The kids say they had a good time but I'm not sure. Jeremy was stingy with spending money and just Not Into It or something which kept me on edge the whole time afraid he would say/do mean/wrong things. It's always like that but felt amplified on "vacation". 

We stayed at a nice Best Western right across the street. The hotel was nice but we really should have got 3 rooms. I thought 2 kids could room with us but only Riley could stand the odor and, being the only boy he really didn't have a choice.  

I had really stressed about leaving Jess alone but she LOVED having us gone! until the last night when a huge storm hit Omaha knocking out the power. Morr than 200,000 homes were without power! She heard a tornado coming but was scared to take Nova in the basement with Katana down there!! I found out she would rather die with Nova than face Katana in the basement!! Fortunately the tornado missed them but we definitely need a Plan B there. 

Jami arrested again

Jami was picked up for back child support on the 8th, the day after Lindsey had court, should have seen this coming!! 

I can't get her out yet. Her bond is a nonrefundable $3000 and that would really hurt us right now. But she is as comfortable as possible in there.  Sarpy County has made some drastic improvements to their system,  the biggest one is continuing Jami's methadone so at least she isn't suffering that!

July 1, 2024

 If course I can't just be happy. Something has to be terrible.  Jeremy is maybe leaving,  which isn't exactly terrible, but I think he is asking to be pushed out. There are plenty of reasons to. He does practically nothing to contribute and is just mean, stingy,  demanding and really obnoxious. Add to that his sincere belief that he is actually better than everyone else and you wonder Why the hell is he here anyway???? Then that pity thing sneaks in. Picturing him homeless and dying out in the Real World and BINGO I am stuck with him agajn.

Ghost or Alien??

I finally had me my paranormal experience! Or something. I was on the porch and saw someone peeking around the curtain from inside mtmy room. I was the only one awake in the house.  I ran inside to my room and there was no one in there! I saw a black circle eye and half a face that quickly moved away when I looked at it. I have waited forever for this but am now disappointed in my visitor because I don't feel a haunting presence at all in my room. So I started thinking maybe it was an alien passing through?? I've wanted very much to see that too! 

But last night I heard a ruckus across my room and then Catnis came tearing across my bed looking frightened and she just ran across me and then hid under the bed. The litter box was knocked over and the stack of things I haven't unpacked was scattered all over. I thought Catnis did it all in her little fright but when I was telling Jami all of this she suggested that maybe Catnis didn't do it and whatever Did make the mess must have scared her. Interesting theory! 

I hope to have another visit but hope whatever it was is friendly. ?

Loki better?

Loki seems better but I still Worry. She finished one antibiotic,  still has a few days of clav amox,  I give less appetite stimulant,  and she is alert and getting around but still feels warm to me.  I guess I can stick a thermometer up her butt but I'm afraid to. Oh yea, my biggest worry is it looks like she has black poo which could be discolored from all the meds or could be internal bleeding From the meds... worry worry worry!! I've spent nearly $2,000 saving her so far! Really don't think we can afford more.

I've also been sad that Hannah has been messaging saying she is homeless.  I asked Jess and she said NO and I really can't divide our home! Jeremy said yes but he hesitated a lot, only said Yes for me but I think he was relieved Jess vetoed it. 

Jenise missed 2 days of her nursing school and will have to start over!! I'm afraid to tell Jeremy, don't want to deal with his reaction on top of my own, but that was $500 just thrown away!! Maybe I should have helped less, "they" say that people appreciate most what they have to work for!! I don't think Jenise even had a clue how upset I am. 

What else...

A cute thing. Yesterday when I called downstairs to wake Jami for clinic I said "Jami" pause, "Sweeteart" like I used to on the farm. When I said her name she said "Yes?" and after the "Sweeteart" she repeated the "Yes" in her excited little girl voice 😄 

That really started my day right❣️

Loki sick

Loki went in the hospital Saturdsy night, spent 2 nights and came home last night. Her temp was 106° when she got there!!:The feline leukemia makes wvery illness terrifying but it was a bad UTI that didn't respond to antibiotics and barely responded to a second one. Last night her fever was down but she still wasn't eating even taking an appetite stimulant but we couldn't really afford another night and the very agreed she might actually do better at home. She ate a "num num" last night, then 2 more and today she's eaten almost a whole little can of fancy feast! 😃 

She is still frighteningly weak but I have hope ❤️ and yes, I spent a crazy amount of money to save her! I just feel I cannot lose another one!! Losing Obi is still a very painful wound. 

HAPPY. What is this strange feeling??

It's been so long I didn't recognize the feeling at first!! The last time I was Happy with my life was when Jeremy built our teepee in Texas. Maybe 22 years ago? 

I'm happy with our New Home,  our New Life, our new Possibilities, EVERYTHING. 

And I Know I won't live much longer to enjoy this but that is part of the Joy. I will leave this life to the people I love. I will leave them SAFE. That is all I have prayed for❣️

I'm living an answered prayer and it is Wonderful! For years I have pondered how to make sure Jess and Jeremy never ended up homeless.  I did it,  grace of God.

Almost lost Jeanette!

This was way too close of a call! Yesterday Riley and Robbie called me, only said "We need you here right now!! Please! It's Mom"

I was already headed out the door before they said that. I went with Nett for cervical surgery 2 weeks ago. They said she was bleeding - I got there and she was hemorrhaging. It took a minute to get her to come with me. Robby had started to dial 911 but Nett told him to hang up. (He will Never not call again!) There was blood every where like someone had been murdered and dismembered. Nett kept trying to clean the mess, pretty much had to drag her out. Took her to Lakeside ER. The surgeon said that her surgery had opened and that an artery was pumping her blood out! She was bleeding out, already lost over 2 pints of blood before they got her into surgery. Terrifying!!! She is home now. Weak but Thank God Alive!!!! Last night I fell asleep saying "Oh my God I ALMOST LOST JEANETTE!" Over and over. 

I prayed over her in the ER. One of those rare prayers that I KNEW I was heard and she was covered in a white protecting light. 

Thank You God and Jesus our Savior ❣️

Is there another shoe?

It feels so foreign.  I feel Happy. Like content. I'm still waiting for the other show to drop. I'm still me.  I thought the plumbing was The Shoe. Figured that out for now.  Thought it was th AC. Figured that out for now.  It still could be one or both of us losing SSI, but will figure that out, too, if it happens.

We Have A Home. After the first of next month when Jenise and Phillip get their place we will ALL actually be in good homes with Real Hope. 

We still have troubles. We have 5 teenagers in crisis to get to adulthood.  Jami is going to the methadone clinic but still seeing Watson and doing meth, being tough to live with.  But overall, Huge Improvement for the Ketterman/Laughary household. 

Jessalynn and Brandon Graduate College

So unbelievably proud of our Jessalynn Fitzgerald and Brandon Fisher❣️  Jeremy, Jasmine, Jessica,  Jenise,  Phillip and I went to their graduation from UNL today. It feels so privileged to just know them, be a part a their lives!!  It was so exciting to be there and to think of their lives leading to this moment. They still in high-school when we met Brandon but he very quickly became family even as Jlynn was sure that Brandon was going to hate Jeremy like she did.  Surprise! They drew our family closet coming for "Game Night" every week until they left for college.

I've known Jessalynn since the day she was born. OMG adorable! I didn't see her much her first couple of years because I was in Texas with Mom, but when I first brought Jeremy to Omaha Jessalynn was 2 and totally stole my heart. We were staying at a hotel with a king size bed and Pat set her on the bed across from where I was standing and as he apologized for how shy she was she rolled across the bed towards me landing with her head in my lap gigglings.

 

FOOTNOTE: NOT!!!

I call BULLSHIT. 

3419 Curtis Avenue

I'm starting to realize that I feel secure and happy.  Two things I've seldom felt and maybe I've never felt both together. 

It's peaceful here, too. Sitting on the deck hearing insects and a couple of dogs barking. A car going my by. No yelling. No loud music or voices. A sky full of stars inside the ring of towering trees around us. 

Home.

Settlements

We got our settlements from the accident last week 🙂 and we bought 2 vehicles and a house! 

Lee died last night

This one was hardest on Jess but painful for all of us. Lee didn't really belong to any one . Of us but he was just sweet and loving to everyone. It was probably leukemia.  He was in liver failure by the time I got him to a vet so I had him put down. He was in my lap sitting in the exact place in the same room I lost Obi in. That made it harder! and felt too familiar too soon. I wish we didn't have Any more pets!!!!

I wrote earlier wondering about humans grief at death. Some people say they get kids pets to help them deal with this loss. I call Bullshit. It is all just pain no matter what your Afterlife belief is. 

Jenise & Phillip engaged 3/11/24

They wanted to take me out to dinner and  I feel dumb that I had no clue! but it made the surprise sweeter. Phillip asked for Jenise's hand and I was just thrilled!!!

No, they haven't known each other long but they know they make each other happy and they are smart enough to grab that. 

Jenise is such a glowing bright spot in my life and I just want everything wonderful for her. 

just grumpy

Come on shake it off!! Not even sure why, just feel grumpy.

today

Jami is back with us. Jeremy is having a terrible time with it but otherwise it's OK. She has been going to the methadone clinic every day and isn't seeing Mike W so I am able to enjoy her.

Jeremy gates this but he seems to hate everything. I know this makes him more miserable but I honestly have no idea what could make him happy. Everyone is worried about him but I don't know how to help him. 

Money(un)wise

I am realizing a huge regret, my attitude towards money. I think it started after my father died when my mother became Head of the Household and it became a huge part of my rebellion against her. Money was so important to her which is understandable with her living through WWII in Japan. She didn't talk a lot about her family but often mentioned how her father had saved from a meager income to put his 4 daughters through college. I don't think she really had any idea of the poverty my father came from. Americans probably all seemed well off, the Great American Dream etc. I remember being poor when I was very young even at one point living in Aunt Johnny's basement.  Then Daddy made his fake college resume and began working as an engineer first at Vandenberg AFB and then NASA when the call for all Geeks went out to put man on the moon. When we moved to Houston he bought his first home,  a brand new 4 bedroom ranch style house in Sagemont. He couldn't get homeowners insurance because he had Childhood Arthritis.  I remember a lot of talk about that and then he died at 38 years old 2 years later. Mom had to sell the big house and bought a much smaller one in the Beverly Hills subdivision which is an old mostly middle class area and Mom had to get a job. Her pharmaceutical degree was barely acknowledged in the US so she started with a fairly menial job at Merit Pharmaceutical. 

My older brothers were a big influence on my attitude towards Mom and her attitude towards money. We accused her of only caring about money and there was some truth to that but, again, she definitely had her reasons to be the way she was. 

The stupid part I am realizing is how I let it effect my whole life and the life of my family.  I took a firm stand against the love of money very young and then embraced it for a life of poverty.  WHY? I've always been a proud Giving Person helping everyone and taking in almost anyone in need no mater how little I had. 

Not I am 65 and live in a dump in the ghetto, raising kids here! and it looks like every except Jessalynn is following my lead. How do I change/fix this?? Can I??? 

Why do deaths destroy us??

I watch a lot of 20/20, Dateline,  etc so I see a lot of people dealing with death. It is so traumatic! I've been through it, too, and it is always crushing. Lately watching Dateline I started wondering why?? Death has been certain since life began. It supposedly one of the two certainties of life ie "death and taxes". So why does it shock and devastate us? It also seems like man has come up with many ideas of Afterlife to make death easier to deal with throughout history and many find comfort there but it is still a huge tragedy for everyone.  Why in the thousands of years man has been here have we not come to peace with death? I have no clue and I don't deal with it any better than anyone else. The death of my Obi was the last one that crushed me. 

And now I look at facing my own death a lot and my biggest fear is how it might effect people who care about me. How do i make it easier for Jami, Jeanette and Jenise?? Can I?Even those who are fortunate enough to have strong faith in the Afterlife still grieve deeply. I am one of those. I just can't believe that death is the End. The other day Kira said she believes death is just final and that she is happy to believe that and everyone listening was shocked including me. It's good that she is fine with that but odd compared with how mankind has always needed the Afterlife belief. 

But my point is what I first said here.  Why haven't we come to terms with death?? Even with Kira's belief, or lack of belief? she will still grieve the loss of those close to her. I can't fix this any more than anyone else can but it's just been the thing that makes me go Hmmm lately.

Still overall feeling better 😊

I'm doing pretty well these days! I don't seem to get a lot more done but I feel a lot more active. I've been walking Nova more and done a little cleaning. The main physical issue I have to deal with is nausea but I did schedule an appointment with a UNMC gastrointestinal doctor. Unfortunately the soonest appointment I could get was June 24th but time flies. When Grammy was 99 years old she talked about how time goes faster every year and it is So True. At 99 her days probably felt like 10 minutes because for me at 65 it feels like most days are only a few hours long! 

Not having a car right now really sucks. Our finances in general suck but

We've been through and survived worse for sure!!!

I am sure that a lot of feeling better is feeling LOVED lately. I have Jess taking care of me with Jeremy also doing everything he can and some Awesome grandchildren.  Especially my Jenise. She always seems so genuinely happy to see me it just makes my whole world brighter. 

I deeply regret that my mother didn't feel this love and care more! The little good time I had to take care of her and show her caring love was so short. I live for the memory of Mom's face when I would make her a special snack or treat. Now, it is sad that she said "I'm sorry for never noticing how nice you are!" but it also felt good at the time. And it has to be my fault that she didn't know me. 

I used to Beg her to move to Omaha with me so I could take care of her but she would say yes and then call and say she just couldn't picture leaving Texas and the Japanese people she had there. Only 3 of them showed up for her funeral but many had died already or they drifted apart. But my last 7 years with Steve really sucked. I should have gone to her sooner. 

So I feel a little guilty with the richness of the care I have now even though I know she is happy that I do. Mom was so worried about dying when I had no one but Jeremy. She made me promise to stay with him saying that he had "honest eyes " and would never abandon me. She was right about that but I've ended up with so much more. 

wise old woman

If I pictured living to be old I pictured I would be a wise old woman doling out wisdom to the young.  Hah. The young teach me all the time. Of course, it is a sort of wisdom to know that. 

I certainly don't feel wise. Most of the time I actually feel silly more than anything.  

Jess extending my life

Yea, it looks like I could be here for a while longer especially with Jess controlling my diet. I'm actually Loving this!! I usually just try to eat what is planned for the house or just eat Ramen or bread when their food is too spicy or something. Not since the high Alkfas!! Jess is making me Special Meals full of vegetables and fish!! Things I actually love. She has researched and found salt and butter substitutes that are fine and most of the meals look and taste gourmet!!! 

The best part is that I KNOW she loves me❣️❣️❣️

Next is the Mike recommended coffee enema which I hope makes up for me not wanting to drink the recommended 4 to 6 cups of coffee a day. I never expected drinking coffee to be a part of my healing! Funny, the Mormans say coffee is bad because it tans the liver and now they say it Heals the liver!!

I do wonder that when my "fatty Liver" was diagnosed by Laura 10 years ago she Never said anything about diet or anything correcting it but the infectious disease doctor says it can be done still even after all this time.  

So, here we go, I need to survive until the 15 year Olds are at least 18 and I just might!

Gonna b here a bit

I thought I was going to check out soon,  and I might, but not right away. I saw Infectious Disease yesterday and they seem fairly calm about my chances of recovering from the things ailing me, granulomatous disease with high alkaline phosphatase. I went we xpexting a death sentence.  It might still he one; they took 5 vials of blood for testing and now I Wait. 

 

Christmas Eve 2023

I'm feeling a twinge of Christmas spirit! Surprise! It's Jess. Doing everything to make Christmas happen. It's family. Hessalynn and Brandon are here for a week and Jenise will be back in town tomorrow, and Jeanette and the boys will be here, too. Lindsey stopped by yesterday and I have no idea where Jami is, but we are gathering for Christmas and it feels good. 

Last Christmas didn't happen with Jami in ICU and the year before was the worst Christmas ever, so This Is Nice. ❤️❤️❤️

I miss pen and paper

I really do. Now I have grandchildren who don't know how to write or read cursive because it's no longer taught. Outdated. And my handwriting has deteriorated until I sometimes can't read it. I had years of journals filling stacks of notebooks, almost all of them lost now. I doubt anyone would even want to read them but I wish I had them for Me to read now that I am forgetting so much. I realized today that I have no memory at all of what my nephew Joey looked like. Thinking of Joey grieves me greatly because he was lost to me but now he is totally lost to me. I imagine there are many, many people and memories lost to me. I am aware of some of it but positive I've lost far more than I can fathom. 

I have had this Online Journal for years. Still try to write in it but it doesn't feel at all the same as God old pen and paper. The feeling of thoughts just flowing out on their own is somehow lost in typing for me. I have no idea how people compose anything like this. How they can feel heart and soul pouring out. I can't. Of course, for me, there is also the despair that No One would care enough to want to read anything I write. These will hang online until they are deleted by Blogger Inactive after I die. 

I have little idea how I ended up mattering so very little in the world. I NEVER expected to feel or be like I am. 

My days are carbon copies of the day before. I'm pretty sure I would be diagnosed as "depressed" and maybe that's a correct diagnosis but I see nothing that can change it. I wake, I lay in bed, usually in physical pain, I eat food prepared for me, I mindlessly watch Netflix, Hulu and You Tube until I go to sleep again. Some says the wait seems too long and I take something to sleep away the day. I'm not suicidal but I feel like I have to stay alive so my income can take care of my family. They don't really want or need anything else from me. That's Not saying anything bad about them. It's just the truth. I have no advice or wisdom to share even if anyone wanted it. 

How are we at this point?

We look like we are about to lose everything.  My SSI is somehow going to be less than half what it was starting next month and our rent is going up $300. An impossible situation.  I have faced worse. But I always had this unwavering Faith that everything would work out Sonehow. 

I can't find that faith. 

I haven't had faith in anything for a very long time. Likely from my lack of faith in God. 

I think I really started losing faith when I looked deeply at the holocaust.  Looked at the suffering people who kept Faith throughout and then Still had faith after. After losing their families and suffering for years. Most of them were "God's Chosen" people biblically.  How??

Then science started knocking me around. It is accepted that we are not alone in the universe. So does each society have a God, a Jesus, and a Bible? 

I always felt secure in Faith because 94% of humans believe in God. What are the odds that the 6% are the only ones right? 

It is easy to wonder if man created God to accept life and death. That leaders needed a God of laws to ordain their laws. So many wars! So much death! Over religious beliefs!! 

How convenient that Belief is entirely based on Faith. There is no Proof. Needing Proof is sin, lack of Faith, condemnation for ye of little faith.

Then I wait for a lightning strike for such thoughts but there won't be one because that would be Proof.

I had Huge Faith. 13 years in "The Truth". No, I wasn't an ideal member. I asked too many questions,  I failed to totally live The Life. Then when all hell broke loose, when I found out our Elder molested my daughters and No One believed us. When we were excommunicated and run out of town I cursed God. Screamed at the Heavens that if He had a "plan" that it SUCKED and so did He I was still talking to, believing in Him. I just decided I didn't believe in the church. In any church. 

I often thought about Phineas's law in A Separate Peace, "Pray every night in case there is a God". So I did. 

Scopes

I had my upper/lower endoscopy yesterday, I'll get the results in 5 days. I'm afraid there is going to be some kind of cancer in the stomach or esophagus areas, about 80% sure there will be some kind of bad news. I can't see how I'm going to feel about or react to whatever the news is. I've been through expecting a Dr to find some kind of cancer several times. I Did have a small skin cancer a few years ago - and I knew that's what it was before I saw a Dr and had it removed. I also have precancerous polyps removed from my colon every couple of years the last 30 years.

My digestive system has been bad for a While. Terrible heartburn, unable to eat more than a few bites sometimes,  drowning in vomit at night, nausea, pain, not good stuff! 

I guess I wait 5 days to Know.  I dread that it might need a drastic procedure that causes them to remove my esophagus and/or stomach. Or parts of them.  Completely alter my life, make it even more difficult to survive. The whole possible death thing, I can't really see how that news would feel. 

Jeremy working on the Odyssey

He says it's easy, that he can do it,  but he is So Angry at the world today

I'm seeing him wrecking his car or breaking the van

Hope I'm Wrong!!!!!

4th of July 2023

We continued the tradition of going to 

for yhe 4th. Jeremy and I had Jasmine, Kira and Shy and Jessalynn and,Brandon are here for a couple of days which helped to get Jess and Nova to come. But then the ẃeather!! Steamy hot when we got there and pouring by the time the show started. Still, we were together. 

Just loved that ❤️ 

Journaling

It is Monday. Every weekend I think of all the things I didn't take care of the week before and say I'll start Monday and then another week Flys by. 

Saturday I got Catnis's first shots. Jazz got a hampster. Kira went to Funplez with Ban,  took Riley skating, picked up Kura and Riley and took them and Shy downtime with Emilio, took Riley home and then went back downtown to get the girls. Felt like all day in the car. Home around 1030. Yesterday I just worked I'm my garden.

May 2033

 Jessalynn, Brandon, Shy and Riley are here. Jeanette even stopped by last night. 

I love they are here but wish I could enjoy it more!!

I've been sick. Covid, then strep, then a parafluenza, then the Wreck and then RSV with a respiratory infection. 2023 so far.

I saw Death during the last illness. Woke unable to breathe, took a while to think to use an inhaler. Swore I would stop smoking. Still smoking. Right now in fact. I hear Mom all the time "Your father didn't love us enough to stop smoking". Maybe he did. Maybe near death he saw how damaging he really was to us and just let go. 

I get that.

I don't really understand how damaging I've been. I just know I have a family of damaged people and I am the common denominator.

EASTER 2023

 Jeanette brought a roast and some fixings, we made a couple things,  Jessalynn,  Brohan and Riley showed up. Lindsey, Jake, and Annabella stopped by but couldn't stay, and we had Easter Dinner.🙂😁😁❤❤❤❤❤

3/27/2023 WRECK

 Jeremy and I were on our way home from Fred Leroy when i slowed down, all lanes were blocked for an accident up ahead. I said "It looks like a wreck up ahead" and WHAM. First i noticed a terrible pain at the back of my head, then i realized we were headed fast into the car pile up ahead so I stood on the brakes stopping about a yard from the car in front of me. I looked and Jeremy was laying across his broken seat on the floor screaming that his hands were bleeding. I looked and they weren't so i tried to tell over him "YOUR HANDS ARE NOT BLEEDING! DON'T MOVE! YOU HAVE NERVE DAMAGE!!" Meanwhile I'm screaming too, I've never been hit in the head so hard and it made no sense to me because the head rest is padded. I looked in the rear view and saw a smashed white SUV with writing on the side and I told Jeremy again to STAY STILL and that it looked like a city truck, probably insured. We could see the flashing lights from police etc at the accident up ahead but they couldn't see or get to us. Jeremy was yelling WHY AREN'T THEY HELPING US?! so I called 911. A man opened Jeremy's door asking if we were ok and Jeremy started to try to get out so then I'm yelling at the man DON'T LET HIM OUT! When the first ambulance got there they were trying to decide who to get first and we were both yelling that the other was hurt worse and thankfully they listened to me and took Jeremy cursing them out for leaving me. I really didn't think I was injured badly but he was definitely most critical. 

Jeanette got to the hospital pretty fast. My head and neck hurt  very badly but even she didn't think I was badly hurt. She saw Jeremy, he was in the Trauma unit, begging to be put together. We were poked, prodded, and examined head to toe. I tried to sneak out of my room to use the bathroom and got caught and lectured but you could tell they weren't really worried about me either until my MRI came back. The room filled with people wearing dark blue and one said, We are taking over this patient! Why wasn't she taken to trauma like her husband? 

They found 2 bleeds in my brain - I guess that was why my head hurt so badly! I was admitted and moved to CCU. Jeremy was also admitted and moved to Step Down, I believe that means a step out of CCU?? 2 floors below where I was. His nurse brought me a phone and asked me to talk to Jeremy. That he needed surgery and was refusing it and demanding to see me. They told me he would be a paraplegic without the surgery so i calmed him, told him surgery wasn't really a choice. 

3am the second night they moved me to the floor Jeremy was on and wheeled me to see him. He looked so terrified and freaked out!!!! but was happy to see me. We only had part of that day near each other. They decided my bleeds could be monitored outpatient since they weren't spreading and I was sent home. I was back up there the next day for his surgery. The neurosurgeon and cardio surgeon were arguing about who should do what. Cardio explained that if neuro messed up and Jeremy needed a fast transfusion he would just bleed out because his aorta was too narrow to handle the blood volume. Neuro acted insulted, said they WOULD NOT make a mistake and that if cardio went first he might not be strong enough for them to fix his spine. I was 100% backing cardio but Jeremy flat refused the heart surgery. He was just so terrified!! They should NOT have argued in front of him and I don't think they should have listened to him - he clearly wasn't getting it. 

The surgery went smoothly,  finished in 3 instead of the projected 6 hours in spite of some complications. 

He was a mess.  Still is! He came home 3 days after surgery and later that day he realized the risk he took refusing the heart surgery. Had a full blown panic attack sure his heart was about to explode. Checked his heart and oxygen, pulse was high, but was sure it was the panic, gave him a xanax and he calmed down and slept.

Oh. Back to the accident. The other driver told the police he was looking at his phone and didn't see the accident ahead or me slow down. His vehicle went under ours which explains why we were rolling so fast after he hit us. It was not a city vehicle but it Was a company car, Ocean View Transportation.  I called Atty. Matt Knowles from the hospital and he showed up really fast! 

We got an Enterprise rental 4 days after I got home, a 2021 Malibu.

I went for a brain CT last Thursday. No one called me with results so I screen shotted the test and took it to Dr. Gold to read. He said it showed little bleeds all over my brain and told me to stop driving. 

Then who will drive the Malibu?? I'm the only one on the lease and Jeremy and Jess can't drive.....

Funny, the day before the wreck we found out Jeremy was approved for SSI. Our money problems were almost over!! Now we are also looking at a hefty settlement from this accident!!

We just have to survive to collect it 

"Home crap home"

A line from The Money Pit. I think of it a lot.

Our home has been an embarassing disastrous mess since Maple View.  Progressively worse with time. It is embarassing and mentally, possibly physically,  unhealthy. I can't fix it. I try. New Rule this week: I clean something every time I get up. Try to. Scrub a wall or a cabinet door or the bathroom shelves. It's not helping much yet. Jess tries but its overwhelming even without a mental illness. I know I screwed up not having the girls do chores. They will when asked but really, most of this mess is beyond kid chores. I feel deep guilt that I myself don't/can't do more. I feel deep anger that Jeremy won't.  In the "before" when he was working and I was able I kept it up by myself. When he stopped working I hoped he would try to keep the house clean. He does do dishes and sweep and mop the kitchen and living room a lot. Always angry he has to. If I ask him to do more he immediately says WHY ME. If I rare mention how much time he spends playing games etc he denies it and is outraged. When he could no longer drive he was enraged at "being made useless" in a filthy house.

The girls are embarrassed to have friends over. I am, too. Always terrified the landlord will evict us because the filth spills out of the house. The yard screams White Trash Live Here. Our home is the nastiest looking place for miles in any direction - and we live in the ghetto.

Jeremy

I still have no clue how to help Jeremy or to make him easier  to live with. He is so sad and depressed which he expresses with negativity and rage that is So Hard to live with. I definitely believe he would have had a better, happier, life without my family. But he is here with us about 20 years now. 

Jeremy spends most of his time sitting on the futon playing video games or down in his basement room. He'll do the dishes most days, angrily, playing and screaming to heavy metal, usually pretty foul stuff. I believe it is a punishment to the household, make sure we suffer with him, because he knows everyone hates it and he Could wear headphones.  He will sweep and mop the livingroom and kitchen and clean the cat boxes in the same spirit. It feels a lot like hate.

When I could I did all these things and more but I got something out of it I don't believe he does. That satisfied feeling that it's done. The pleasure in it being done. 

I know this atmosphere is unhealthy for ALL of us. I'm aware that Kira's anger issues are fed by this steady stream of negative rage. 

Jeremy hasn't worked since Covid. I encouraged him to apply for SSI with his epilepsy and aortic stenosis. Partly for his health. Largely hoping he can get it and have a steady income even if it is very small. When he worked I lived in anxiety that he would again get fired. It is very sad the problems he had working with men.  No One ever backs him if he makes a mistake at work. It never takes long for fellow employees to notice he is "different" and it is never tolerated. He can excel at his job but will Never get any recognition for it. Never. Add to that he does some pretty foolish things at work that get him in trouble and fired. It is incredibly sad and unfair but it is the world we live in. I've tried to help him, advised keeping to himself at work, just do his job, clock out and leave. Even if he could, the Haters would eventually find him, single him out, and punish him for being Different.

So he is home now waiting for SSI that may never go through. We live on the money I can bring in with my SSI and whatever government aid I can get. We are barely surviving. We live one unexpected disaster from being homeless. 

And we live in filth. Real Filth. It really got to me last month when the car tags expired and I can't afford to renew them so Jeremy can't drive because he has a traffic warrant and we might lose the van. He was angry when I told him, yelled "JUST MAKE ME FUCKING USELESS!" which Really Made Me Angry. Still trying to get over that! I look at our filthy home that extends to a trashy, filthy, yard and see all the ways he Could Be very useful!! I CAN drive. I can't keep up the house and yard. He could but won't. 

Insanity.

I live with grateful insanity. 

He is So Miserable but refuses to go get another life but instead tried to make everyone else Miserable because he is.  What a sad way to live. 

My Jess

I have already said what I think/feel about her. It just never seems to be enough. I want so much to make her life as beautiful as she makes mine! I so much want the whole world to see what I see!! Beautiful,  inside and out, for me she is the hope of the human race.

Jami visit

 She spent the night, already starting to want to go back.

She's skin and bones. Meth sores not healing on her face. 

I asked, to end the debate, if it was just Mike or the drugs that kept her with him. I believe it is unbelievably mostly Mike. She says it all Just Him. Actually said "But he kept me alive". Like I don't know anything about the story. 

I can't save her.

Today.

THE Headache

 It's back. The headache I had with the aneurysm.  Vision seems ok, face numb around eyes.

Obi died 2/22/23 7:45pm

 I am completely heartbroken.  Obi is the only pet I ever had that was 100% mine. I saved her when she was a kitten and then she adopted me. I love her so very much!! Every time I looked at her I was amazed, dazzled, by how beautiful she was and thought how I never dreamed I would have such a beautiful creature. To be fair, Kirk was the first person she let pet her but she chose Me to be hers.  I cried last year when she tested positive for leukemia but I prayed she would fight it off as some do, and then I vowed that whatever life she had left would be the best I could give her. She slept on me or beside me all of the time. I loved the feel of her near me!! When I was sick or upset she always Knew and came to me. 

I held her as she died. Felt her last breath. 

I will never stop loving and missing her. 

Thanksgiving 2 years ago

 I see I wrote about this Thanksgiving,  how happy I was we were invited, was surprised I only mentioned that I got sick and had to go home.

I was sitting at the dining table by Jeremy, dinner was over. Jeanette and David were sitting on the couch across the room. I stood up and Jeremy says my body convulsed before I fell forward. My next memory was laying face down on the floor and that I was peeing. When I raised my head Jenise was there. I said I was nauseous and she grabbed a bowl I threw up in. I told her I had peed, asked her to help me discretely get up. She mopped up as Jeremy helped me up. I was totally disoriented and dizzy. I asked Jeremy if he could get me in the car and he carried me out.

Two things. One, what the hell was that??!

Two, it bothers me, some days I obsess about it, that Jeanette never even got off the couch. I don't understand the total lack of care. Yes, she spent over a year telling everyone she hated me and worse, I still don't understand what either,  but I Always told myself that she loved me. And she talks like she loves me now.  I've spent a lot of time taking care of her the last year, but something is WRONG. She hated Jenise first, that was how I got on it. I know it was about me helping Jenise but still don't understand the hatred that followed. And now I see her with Robby. Well, Not With Robby. None of it makes sense. I want to help but have no clue How. 

Her life is disaster after disaster like the Universe is screaming at her to change course. I can't help because I don't know what change the "Universe" is asking for. If i look over her life I know her spiral started when she and Rob split up, but that isn't necessarily Why it started. Then she met Jon Ways, lost her eye, was indited, and has just been lost. 

I'm so scared for her. Afraid she will just give up. Afraid it's a mental or physical disorder. 

She is so heartbreakingly Lost. 

I'm going to go see her today. 

Pray.

Journaling

 I started my first journal when I was 8 and kept one going most of my life. Occasionally they would get lost and I would mourn the loss and keep writing. Often it was just therapeutic for myself, but I also usually felt I was leaving a record of something for someone,  maybe descendants. Also for myself if I started losing my memory much like I am now.

They are pretty much all gone.  

I really don't journal any more except for this pitiful stuff. I miss actually writing, I loved the feel of pen on paper! 

Now my handwriting is often illegible but even more heartbreaking,  I don't believe any one will care even to read these.

So much I always thought I had things to day, to share. Everyone told me how smart I was, what a great writer. And I believed it! So sad. Not only do I realize no one cares what I might have to say but I no longer believe I have anything to say that anyone needs to know. 

Delusions of Grandeur. Perhaps.  

Worse, I have to wonder if I ever knew anything at all. 

Funny. Now I have the technology of voice typing, it would be so easy to record my thoughts! And I'll think, wait, find a place to be alone, where no one will hear me. Then I laugh at myself for useless paranoia. No one is listening. Even if someone heard me,  they wouldn't listen. No one really hears what i say when i speak directly to them! why would anyone bother to eavesdrop?? So silly. 

I do miss the pen and paper thing. Every now and then I will start a notebook but I do it knowing it will be more trash to dispose of when I die.

I think most of my life I just wanted to MATTER. Its harsh. 

I know I really don't and worse I'm pretty sure I never have. 

I only exist Now to provide for what is left of my family. I can watch TV all day or sit and play solitaire, just hanging on until I die. 

Pointless

I don't  think I have ever felt like my life was pointless but it's the best word to describe how I've felt lately. I sleep, I wake, I get thru a day and I sleep again. All my life before I felt a Purpose even if I had no clue what it was. The only point I se now is that I stay alive so my SSI and other benefits come in to take care of my household. Yes, that is a HUGE reason to keep waking up every day! Yet it is so disappointing that there isn't more. That I personally really don't matter. Perhaps never have. Except to Jeanette,  Jami and Jenise.  Yea, I have to stay alive a while for them. I know Jenise had watched me have jlynn stressing with me and me driving her to work all the time and felt left out. I was thinking I would help Jlynn grow up and the it would be Jenise 's turn and so in down thru the younger kids.  I even had a fantasy that Jessalynn would be a good escape for them and make their paths easier.  WRONG. I definitely never want Any of them to be like her in any way and sadly, I'm afraid I sour my was (as Him would cruelly put it!!) And I'm getting to old to do everything for the other grandkids like I tried to for Jylnn. I'll have to find that strength.  Jenise,  being an amazing Human should take the lead position any way for the younger ones.  

I remember being excited at each day. I remember feeling like I walked in God's hand serving Purpose. The younger kids still give me that feeling,  thank you God.

Thanksgiving 2022

 10 am, the house is waking up for Turkey Day. We traditionally have our dinner later in the day. Once at midnight 😬. In more recent years we have scheduled our dinner late so we could have Jessalynn after she went to the Fitzgerald TG at noon. This year it is also to accommodate Robby having an earlier dinner with his father.

Jess was excited we would finally have Lindsey for TG but I doubt she is coming. That's sad and that story doesn't belong here. 

Thanksgiving.  I am Thankful to be alive for this one. I am thankful that our family will come together today. I am thankful Jeanette has recovered from her burns and has found a home. I'm thankful that Jessica seems happier than she was for years. I am thankful that Jeremy has so far survived his medical issues and that it feels like everyone is trying to help him cope with his mental issues. I am thankful Jami is still alive. I hope she comes today!

This is our first Thanksgiving without Kirk but we often still feel his presence and I bet he is here today. Love you Kirk!!

Laughary,  Ketterman, Fitzgerald, Belk, Mundell, Avant. 

Family.

NEXT DAY 

TG went well but I feel like I missed the main part when I left to pick up Shy. Jenise, Taylor and Robby left while I was gone 😭. Then, after, Riley came to me crying saying he'd called Nett to pick him up. He wouldn't talk to me so I went to Jazz and Shy. They said they didn't know what was going on but then I got a text from Nett saying Riley told her the girls were teasing him about a photo. When I showed them the text they Knew,  Shy said it was all her, not Jazz, and that she didn't mean to hurt him. She did they to apologize but he told her to Go Away.  I HATE this ending to our TG Day!! 

Also, Jeanette was very upset with Robby and i walked into a conversation between them in the kitchen. Nett was clearly very hurt about something Robby had said/done and when I tried to intervene I was ignored ~ I couldn't stop it.

Yes, lots of family disputes happen on holidays,  but I had High Hopes this would NOT happen. 

Jami didn't make it. Earlier she had called me and after we said Good bye I could still hear what was going on and I eavesdropped on them. I heard Mike yelling at and berating Jami in q horrific degrading way and it sounded like he was getting physical when the call was disconnected.  She called later, Breezy had picked her up and she was at Pam's.  She said she didn't want me to get her, said she was beat up and unpresentable,  and I left her there. 

Jeanette came very late with the Turkey, I think dinner didn't start until around 9, and things were over cooked and dry from waiting on the Turkey. Still, it was a good dinner I just wish Jenise hadn't left while i was gone 😭, I'm wondering if she did it to get Robby out of the line of fire????

I hope this wasn't my last Thanksgiving!!

I looked around at all of it and put a Shout Out to Jeremy on Facebook. He works all day to make these holiday events and seems to get so little credit! I Can't do it any more. Jeanette has tried to take over but this year her home isn't put together yet so it was here.

I'm hoping to reach out to Robby and Riley and try to fix/help them.

Jessica 39th Birthday

I  hate that we were so broke for her birthday! And I fell asleep really early. And she was trapped upstairs a lot because of Jeremy's cat 

Hope to at least take her to get her hair done for a late birthday present 

Jess has just been so awesome in my life I would have had a parade for her with a Huge Party if i could 

Joey and Nate visit

They came for Kira's first swim meet Wednesday. Really sweet and really great to see them 😁

A little better

 Yesterday I decided to take my health into my own hands. I think just deciding helped 

I started eating bananas,  the eye twitch is gone. Small victory. Vision, slightly better or at least not bothering me as much. Slight nausea,  took Marinol. Able to plan some activities, have the desire to complete them. Don't know yet how much I will b able to do but have actually started one, clearing my bed. Would like to start laundry,  hate that it's in the basement. 

Ate small Meals yesterday, did Not throw up. Was still just exhausted but have some energy today 

Heal Thyself 

Paranoia or Clarity?

Days like these. The feeling of overwhelming doom. A fading past and a jumbled present. The future  is just a kaleidoscope.  

I'm terrified.

Lindsey Jessalynn and Joey

 Joey came to Omaha 3 days ago and Jessalynn drove in from Lincoln the next day so I have had my 3 oldest granddaughters in town together for the first time in about 15 years. It is wonderful, only a little tinged by sadness that I probably won't live to see this again especially if it is another 15 years!

Shy's 15th Birthday Party

Shy's 15th BD party is at an air bnb. Jazz and Kira left yesterday to go. We all feel how empty the house is without them. I can't imagine how empty my life would feel without them! I don't  think I ever imagined living this long but if I did I didn't imagine grandchildren being the center of my life. Steve and I had a vague plan of living our retirement in a Winnebago camping around the country. I pictured a traveling life when I met Jeremy. Never this and thank God there is This. Many days I feel old, useless, meaningless,  wonder why I am here, blind that Why is right in front of me.

My family is my World.

Post Covid here

 We are 5 days past the last positive covid test here so for now Jasmine and I are safe. 

How did it miss us, the most vulnerable? Jazz was extremely cautious.  I was not able to be nearly as cautious, as the only well adult I couldn't stay holed up. Divine interference?? Super immunity even though I was overdue for a booster shot? 

Thank God. Thank immunity,  thank fate, we survived.

4th of July 2022

 It sounds like a war zone when u aren't part of it . We have three here with Covid, Lindsey,  Jeremy and Jessica.  

It's weird to b the only adult standing and I can barely stand. I don't know how well get thru this. If I go down, then what?? Who can protect Jasmine?? I asked if Nett would take her and she didn't respond. 

I've seldom felt so very alone and weighed down.

New Household Dynamic

 Lindsey moving here has worked better than I even dared hope. We were all nervous,  it's been so long and we didn't know how changed we might find her or her us. 

Then it was like she had always been here.  Plus she seemed to have a positive effect on the house in general. Not to mention having her to help take care of me,  take over most of the driving. 

If she can help me until I can get better I should b able to help her as she becomes more pregnant and needs help. 

Jami is in jail and planning to return to the new/old love of her life who None of us like. 

I don't even know that Jami could successfully be a part of this household again Without Mike. 

I Love Jami. I want sun and rainbows and amazing things for her. She won't find any of that with Mike. I doubt she could even find it here, maybe because she doesn't seem to b looking for it. She appears to always be seeking Death. 

Which is all to easy to find.

Back to us. This household Can Work. 

Lindsey is very much the key to that and I think that Knowing that and Feeling her purpose will make her grow even more into what this family Needs.

Lindsey for my birthday

Did I already write that Lindsey is with me?? And last night Hannah was here.  Such a flashback!!

A Jessalynn Sighting

 Jessalynn and Brandon visited yesterday. I feel like I drink the sight of her with my eyes. I know I have never loved anyone any more than I love her. (OK, maybe a few) I know that the year without her I missed her more than I have ever missed anyone I ever lost, temporarily or permanently. 

 I know she will Never be Mine again. 

But I saw her yesterday 

Overdose

 Saturday, May 27, 2022 I picked up Jami from her camper in the evening. We went to Jeanette's to drop off a tire for her car and then came home. 

I was worried about bringing Jami to town. Several times she has asked me to get her and then shortly after we get to my house she just disappears for a few hours.  

Back up. Jami has been living in a camper near the Lewis and Clark monument for most of the last year with Mike Watson. Mike is a meth dealer/user who doesn't use or supposedly approve of opiates or needle use. By keeping Jami on meth and isolated in the forest she is unable to get opiates.  When she would come here we were pretty sure it was Always just a way to get away from Mike and get drugs.  Rizzo, David Lemmons,  was suspected of being the one who helped her. Rizz and Mike (and others) have been "in love" with Jami for years and would do anything to be with her. Mike snapped her up the day Kirk was arrested last August. Before that, whenever Kirk couldn't get opiates Jami would pick a fight and then disappear. Rizz was top suspect back then, too. 

I talked to Rizz a couple of months ago and he admitted that he had picked her up several times the last year and got her high. He apologized but didn't/couldn't promise he never would again.

Back to This time. When I picked Jami up I brought up those oast visits and she said that opiates were no longer a problem. That she could even be around them and not be tempted. Of course we didn't believe that so we were trying to watch her. Reminded her how Kirk had died April 4th. 

Jami was in the basement doing laundry and I went to check and she was gone. I sent her a text saying this looked suspicious and was surprised she even responded. She texted that she had just run to the store. I could tell she was high. But I stupidly thought she had done it, survived,  would go to bed. We had made the living room futon into a bed for her and she was in there talking to Kira so I went to bed.

I was just falling asleep when I heard pounding on the front door.  It was Rizzo yelling where was the Narcan. 

I gave him the Narcan and ran out front where Jami was laying in the open driver's side of my van. I asked Rizz if we needed to call 911 and he said Not Yet. I got to Jami and felt her neck. She was stiff and had no pulse. I screamed "I'm calling 911!" but then my phone wouldn't dial. I ran in the house screaming for Jazz to call 911. She came out immediately and dialed 911 and handed me her phone. Rizz had used the Narcan and she still wasn't breathing. I started CPR as I was waiting for 911 to answer. Rizz asked if he could run and I said Yes. 911 answered and got the address and started coaching me thru CPR. I'm pumping while they were counting out the rhythm and I'm screaming HELP ME SOMEONE HELP ME. It was probably only a few minutes until I started seeing flashing lights but felt like forever. Jeremy took over compressions as the police were running up to us and I continued counting the rhythm for him. The EMTs came and took over. While I was pumping Rizz and then Jeremy would try blowing in her mouth. NO RESPONSE.  We got out of the way so they could work on her.  I just remember sitting on the steps howling in pain. An officer started asking me questions that I answered the best I could while trying to see what was going on. Suddenly they had her standing, she was alive!! Two EMTs rolled a gurney up and they loaded her on it. Alive. 

Then I could pay attention to the police. I gave them permission to search my van. They asked Who knocked on the door. I didn't tell them his name. They asked which way he went and I told them I wasn't sure because I wasn't. I just knew that this really wasn't his fault. Jami can call him and he will always show up because he wants her more than anything in the world.  He still does opiates but stopped shooting them a long time ago. They found 3 syringes in Jami's purse. Either she brought them or asked him to. 

I told the police her history, my history,  of trying to save her.  I begged them to check for warrants,  anything to detain her.  The officer said he would, for me to meet with them at the hospital. 

We went to UNMC er. There was confusion when I got there because she had given a false name. There were No Police there. They either left right away or never went there. 

I finally was allowed back to see her and the bed in her room was empty. I was sure she had run like last time but they said she was making a phone call. I told them she would run and they said that she couldn't,  that the area was sealed even though I know it isn't.  You could get into the hospital from the ER. Jami returned to her room. I was clearly in a state of shock, couldn't even deal with anything but I tried to talk to Jami. She was trying to blame Rizz and denied she used a needle. I asked her if she was through living, just didn't care if she died and she said No. She did finally explain her problem, her addiction the best she could and I believe it was honest.  She described how the craving would build up inside her until it was all that mattered. I think that is true for all of them. The risk of death becomes obscure in the NEED. She can't promise it won't happen again and she didn't try to.

The doctor came in and did a slight exam. He wanted exrays of her chest to check for broken ribs from the CPR. I appealed to him for help. He said there wasn't a social worker on Saturdays. That there was nothing they could do to detain her or help her further. That she would be released to to home. They got an xray and just let her go.

I brought her home. Asked her to lay down and I fell asleep around 6 am. I woke at 7 and it all REALLY hit me. I wanted to be close with her, wanted to go lay beside her and just listen to her breathe. She wasn't on the futon. A panicked search and I found her in the basement doing her laundry. I laid down to wait for her to come up and fell asleep again. I woke at 10 and she was gone. I searched but she wasn't here and her bag was gone. Everything was crashing down on me. I couldnt take it. Couldn't deal with it. I went to bed and slept the rest of the day and through the night.

New Life

 I do definitely feel like I was given a new lease at life when I survived having that aneurysm. I just have no clue what to do with it. When Kirk died and when I found out for sure it was an overdose I started thinking maybe I should be helping the drug Community. The invisible part of society that nobody cares whether they live or die. Or at least that's the way it seems. But what can I do? I've always wished there was a way I could help the homeless, the poor, the broken. Maybe this is where it should begin? But I have no idea how to start.

With Jeanette

 Robby called Thursday night asking us to please come over, David had beaten Jeanette.  We got there in 10 minutes,  the police were still there, and David was gone. I can't begin to describe what it feels like to see a daughter who's been attacked by a man!! 

We got the boys out of here and Jeremy and I sat with Jenise and Taylor and made plans to protect Jeanette. One or more of us have been here with her since then. Tonorrow she will file a protection order. That doesn't Really protect her but it will help 

The kids are terrified she will take David back. I know it is possible,  women do and she has before, but I think this is it. I pray this is it! He is over 7 feet tall, he could easily kill her and he is very mentally unstable. Like I've done, she thought she could help him. Save him. Like me, she got her ass beat for it. 

Her face is swollen and bruised and he knocked a tooth out. On social media he is claiming he was just Defending himself. I've seen the video. I saw Jeanette telling him to leave and trying to block his entry into the house. He throws her and punches her in the face. He actually posted that video saying it shows her attacking him!! 

No One has Ever liked him. He really is a total ASS. Ugly too. I've never understood except I know Jeanette tries to fix everyone. 

Some things just can't be fixed. Some things don't deserve to be fixed. 

So, I am at Jeanette's indefinitely. 

Michael update

 Mike and I have spent hours talking since his ride to the hospital. It is always just amazing how ALIVE he is. He's scared but cautiously hopeful as he continues to baffle doctors by still being coherent and not running a fever, in fact,  all of his vitals are amazingly normal. Even doctors say that either Mike is healing himself some how or God is. Of course both are true but Mike balks a little at God saving him because he doesn't want to seem to claim that he is Special. I told him that if he is Special it is because of the God in him, that it is not praising him but praising God.

Last night during our wandering conversation he told me a story about finding out we have an unnamed ancestor buried in an unmarked grave who was a serial killer. We were kind of going through our family tree looking at the truly crazy people on Dad's side when he told me the story. 

He also talked about our childhood, something we seldom have done. I started that one. Mike said something about Pride being a fault he has battled and still battles. I said that I have the same battle but that I understand where our prideful stance comes from, that because of the degrading and abusive way we were raised that we both amplified Self Pride to survive it. He immediately saw what I meant and agreed. 

It is just unbelievable the grounds we have covered in these talks and how much of it is healing for both of us. ❤❤❤❤❤❤

My Brother Michael II

My brother is dying. I don't say that believing it, I say what THEY say and what could possibly be happening.

Mike called me yesterday and told me he was doing an enema while standing up and slipped and fell and believed he had punctured his colon. I of course demanded that he go to a hospital ASAP. We talked as he and Terry drove to the ER and then have spoken regularly throughout this ordeal. He had a 4 point laparoscopic surgery not long after being admitted but then was told that he is still dying. That a tiny bit of fecal matter morphed into a flesh eating bacteria that is killing him. They are talking very extreme measures to try to save him such as removing ALL of the already affected organs. 

I want to be there with him so very very much!!!!!!

It reminds me of when my father had his first heart attack in Cape Cod. Mom was afraid that if she flew there to be with him that he would decide that he was dying, that he wouldn't fight to survive to make it home. No, I don't think that the case with Mike and me at all, it just comes to mind now and, by the way, Dad did survive to come home but then died a few days later in a Houston hospital.

This is not that. 

This is about the crime against life that we haven't seen each other in almost 20 years and didn't even speak for most of those. He is talking about that, deeply apologized for it with heartbreaking sincerity and regret. 

I see no way to travel to Texas now. Not only are both of us totally financially incapable I also don't know if I can or should travel so soon after my brain surgery. 

I am so With Him in spirit that I am barely here at home right now. Voices around me are like the noise of adults in old Charlie Brown cartoons. 

I have no clue if I can or will survive if I lose him. Even the years he shut me out he remained the very center of my heart and life. I have never existed in a world he wasn't present in.

Oh Michael.