A Day

I get up and go outside and then work in the garden and the yard all day every day.  Every day.  Sometimes until after dark.  If I have to drive kids I take them where they need to go and go back to work until I just can't do anything else.  Disabled.  Emphysema.  Arthritis. Ehlers Danlos. Lower heart malfunction.  Hypertension. Interstitial cystitis. Brain microbleed. Spinal Stenosis. Herniated Discs. Cysts in both Knees. I beat the shit out of those things almost every day.  

But somehow it seems like people think I don't do Anything all day every day.  

This family is something else. 

LOSS

 Surely I have not been through any more loss than any one else my age.  Maybe I just really struggle with dealing with Loss. 

My Aunt Johnny started it.  Then my father,  that was a huge one in so many ways! Then my first "crush",  My niece, Linda,  and really her mother,  Terry,  who became Terri after her coma, and was Never Terry again. Then Herbert.  That one almost literal killed me.  I came a hair from following him to the grave.  Jami's best friend,  Sara. Then a string of losses that weren't deaths. Loss of The Church when we found out Oran had stolen All of our daughters innocence.  Another one that almost killed all of us.  It ultimately killed my marriage to Steve even tho we struggled together another 15 miserable years trying Not To Be a statistic.  Losing Jami to addiction.  Huge. Still dealing with That one.  Lost Lindsey when she was only 6 years old to Jami and Mikey and then John,  which ultimately destroyed her.  That one was another that I didn't know if I could survive it.  Losing Steve for real in 2001 that again,  almost killed me,  not only because he was systematically poisoning me,  but I just really actually thought marriage was "till death so us part". I lost my mind for a long time after that one.  

Jeanette visit 🙂

 Jeanette came and stayed a few hours yesterday.  Always great to have he over!! She grounds me sometimes and is anyways teaching me the new things she is learning.  I think i will really enjoy when she finally moves in. 

Riley

 So very proud of my boy!!! He's doing good in the Omaha Street School 😄. He goes every day so far and seems to like it after getting over the strict rules.  He proudly has good grades in all of his class.  It doesn't hurt that they have to order in food, no cafeteria,  and i mean good food that he mostly likes.  And the girls are cute. But he is doing his assignments and says he is LEARNING got the first time in years,  probably since 5th grade!!! ❤️❤️❤️ 

Lindsey ???

 Rumor is that Lindsey is in Ohio, Addie is back with Max, and Bella is with Jake and Lindsey and Jake are divorced.  Not sure about that last one,  wasn't sure they legally got married and then how would they get divorced so fast??  I got all that in bits and pieces from Kira, Jess, and Jami.  I'm afraid for Lindsey.  I think the kids are ok, but both Max and Jake are pretty strange.  Addie acted like a girl who's been molested when she got here from Max. I'm pretty sure the issue is still drugs and maybe the bipolar for Lindsey. Joey disowned me over Lindsey. (Addressing me as "Rhoda" was that,  right??) Joey defended Lindsey fiercely about whether or not she was doing drugs and if the meth in the car when Lindsey was arrested was hers.  Everyone except Joey and Jake KNEW Lindsey had been strung out for Months,  maybe longer? No one but Lindsey and Jami know whose meth was in that car.  I just know how careless it was for her to smoke weed right outside the entrance to A BIG grocery store!! Jami wasn't even in the car,  just Lindsey and a drug dealer.  I knew Lindsey wouldn't get any real Jail Time for it. Small amount,  first offense. I did hope that she might get some kind of Probation period,  drug testing, the would slow her down if not make her Stop. 

Jake was a Hero Man exactly like Mike Manning.  Hero Men believe they are saving women while they are just enabling them.  Is the world full of them?? Probably.  The parallels between Jami and Lindsey are frightening.  Where will this cycle end? Steve and I tried to stop it from starting with Lindsey but Mikey helped Jami take her and here we are.  Will it continue with Addie and/or Annabella?? Will Lindsey find another Hero Man and try to gather her chicks again?? 

I'm afraid for Lindsey but have no idea how to even help her, let alone Save Her.  I never figured out how to "save" Jami. I currently house her but she takes her methadone, smokes her meth,  and does nothing for herself. All her friends are drug addicts. My basement is coated in meth. You can smell it down there. No.  I don't know how to save Anyone.  

Drowned

Heart

 My heart feels funny the last few days.  Rattly. 

Week II

 3 days to Jasmines driving test!! She is driving her car to school and picking up the boys from the Omaha Street School afterwards right now.  Kira's car still isn't ready but maybe today?? 

Figure out the first week

 Jazz doesn't have her license yet and Kira's car already broke down so I don't know how to figure out getting everyone to school and back.  I already messed up today,  I somehow didn't realize that the boys started today.  I had to call Jenise to go get them,  late, because Jazz and Kira were out school shopping with my van.  I was thinking I would give Kira the van until her car is repaired or until she can buy a new one if it can't be repaired and I could use Jazz's car to get her to and from school or let her drive it but then I need a way to get the boys home because Jeanette works 2nd shift. I have the Malibu,  I'd have to get insurance for it again,  but oh my head is starting to just scramble up!! Why can't they just all do Online school!! No,  I wouldn't want that for them,  these should be years they remember for making friends etc. I was hoping the girls would both be legal with their own cars!!! Then I would only be picking up the boys in my vehicle.  

I've been so very bleary again lately! I'm drinking coffee at 6pm trying to wake up and figure things out but I think it's Not making me feel awake,  just kind of ill with my heart skipping around.  I hope I don't try this again!! 

I know Jenise and Phillip are wanting to talk to me,  and tried to call a couple of times while I was resting and she told me when I called her about picking up the boys today that they need to talk to me.  At least she is here if we need her help!! Someone mentioned how convenient Brandon's dislike of me was for them.  I don't think it was schemed like they said but all the years I spent taking care of Jessalynn thinking she would influence and maybe help with the younger kids didn't matter in any way at all.  Jessalynn did good and settled in Lincoln and has an excuse to not even help with her mother.  Not that we need help.  Jeanette and I have planned that Jess will Always be taken care of but I know she wishes Jessalynn was around more. Those years when Jessalynn called and texted me all of the time, I hated that Jess wished it was her.  When Jeremy accidentally caused the first rift with them that was the silver lining - Jlynn started talking to her Mom more and Jess was Happy. I was in pain like when John first took Lindsey away but that made it better.  That pain still weirdly hits once in a while. Just out of the blue I'll have a memory of Jlynn that hits me in the gut and takes my breath away.  I don't ever cry about it any more.  It's just that sucker punch but not too often. No, then I see Brandon's face saying that he wouldn't apologize for being disrespectful.  How happy he was to finally say something like that to me out loud. His eyes just Danced with glee because it was just him and me in the room so he could gloat. Long ago, I told Jeremy that Brandon never forgave me,  yes, while I was waiting to get an apology,  and I did apologize to Jlynn, anyway,  I KNEW. Jeremy said I was imagining it but, even tho Brandon is a very good liar, he would make a great defense lawyer! but I could feel it. It was in his eyes, in the way he said "Grandma",  just glaring at me but so skillfully hidden from others that they couldn't see it. I still responded,  gave him medicine for his joint pain, planned his birthdays, sewed his clothes, and waited for when it would come out in the open.  His big closing statement.  And wow. Some would think he was one of those guys who want to isolate their girlfriend from her family to control her but,  and it could just be my prejudice against him, me thinking he is too weak to control anyone, but I don't think that was it.  IF it Really was about Jeremy I would just howl with laughter.  Well,  except that it is the excuse not to visit Jess, nothing funny about hurting Jess, but Jeremy is So Much Happier and so thankful to be out of all this!!! And we still love each other like we always did. Let the haters figure that out!! Jeremy had to be shoved out of the nest. 10 years of asking him to go home had no effect.  He is sorry for both of us that he drug it out 10 years. I told him It's ok. I understand.  We both understand Why it was so scary and hard for him to leave. He's even glad to be at a distance from all of these grandkids!! The responsibility of them was just crushing him.  

Ok. I'm stalling now.  I have to figure out the school rides. 

I got the music in me

 I lost all my music when I had the brain bleeds.  I can't hear music in my head any more and couldn't play a single chord on the guitar.  Until tonight.  I was on YouTube and there was a guy playing a guitar and I saw a G chord and then said "I can do that!" I got out my guitar, tuned it, and PLAYED. At 1 am! I had to chop off the fingernails on my left hand and my fingers felt like they were bleeding after a little while but I CAN DO IT!!!!!!

YEA! "They" said I wouldn't get back lost information, that my brain died every where blood touched and the 3 bleeds took chunks of my memory,  the ability to convert short term to long term memory,  and music.  I've been working on the memory issues,  I play mind games to move things to long term memory that work about half the time so far but I haven't really worked to get music back.  I sat at a keyboard one day and after about an hour my hands started playing "Long Long Ago" but I haven't had much time to try again.  I was scared to get out my guitar.  I figured I would just never play again but I just DID. I love it!! Can't believe I wasn't grieving more about losing it but I had just decided to be thankful to just survive an aneurysm and then 3 brain bleeds. I love the tone of the guitar. Love feeling the music vibrate through me.  I have missed this So Much!! 

Riding with Kira to the DMV

 This isn't going as planned. With the musical cars with Jeanette i planned to get my van from her before she went to work but she thought the test was tomorrow and went into work early.  Kira is driving to the DMV to hopefully get used to driving Netts van.  And hating it and bitching all the way. I do admit this is hugely stressful for her,  she really hates when her plans don't work and this is a Big One.  She's telling me I don't care enough about her getting her license which is hilarious! I want her to start driving her car on her own more than I want Anything right now!!! "Teaching" her to drive had been a teeth gritted, knuckles clenched nightmare!!!! Riley will be easier than this has been and he terrified Jenise when she took him driving.  And adding her to my insurance was $270 more a month and could end up higher if she doesn't do well on her 30 day "test drive ". She lowered my score on the test drive,  my insurance is going to go up from that. 

Ok. We're here.  I'm still a little worried about whether or not they're going to let her take the driver's test in a van that's just purchased without tags.

Ok. That's not going to be an issue.  She's about to start 🤞🙏

Oh God! Poor girl! I got out and left it running and she tried to start it,  made a terrible noise and died. I'm sure that rattled her!!!!

SHE PASSED!!! 

Like musical cars

 What a day. I was going to Jeanette's to help with her plants and Jenise was meeting me there to visit.  Jenise's car wasn't there when I pulled up so I thought she'd had to leave early but no,  he car got towed! And the asshole towed it because she was parked behind Jeanette and he wanted to take her new van because she hasn't tagged it yet, she just bought it and was told she had 30 days, but that place is ALWAYS out to get her!! He came back for Jeanette's car but I took it and left the van so he had to leave BUT thank God he didn't notice that my vans tags are expired!!! I didn't really think about it until Jeanette texted me about it.  Poor Jenise had to scrape together $200 to get her car back!! The whole thing just SUCKS. Jeanette put her old tags on my van for tonight.  I can't get tags until Monday but I won't have money for it if it gets impounded!! It feels like my head is going to explode.  

JEANETTE NEEDS TO MOVE.

Cars

 Still worried about the cars everyone bought.  Worried that I approved every one of them and the odds are against all 3 being a "good deal". I still need to have someone look at Jazz's.  I Wish I had thought to roll down the windows and Listen to the tires/brakes! Something is dragging,  i think on the passenger side front? Meezy stopped by yesterday and said he will help what he can but that he's been having money trouble,  which we knew,  but I know he will do what he can.  He is just so impressed that she saved so much so fast!! and he is pleased with her choice.  

Whenever the new cars are road ready I need to retire mine until I can get it fixed.  It desperately needs an oil change, plates!, and maybe the #2 ignition coil?? and it,  and I!, need a break.  Oh,  and probably a new Universal Joint. Some little things that I am lucky haven't turned into big things.  Yet. 

2 more cars in the family

 Did I mention that Jeanette got a new/ used van? I know I didn't write that Kira bought a car.  She got a Hyundai Sonata. It needs little work that we know of, brakes and tires,  and I hope that is all.  I'm really terrified for these girls buying their cars.  Too many times we've had really bad surprises!! The first car I bought Jeremy wasn't a surprise,  i bought it knowing it needed a new transmission. The surprise was that it didn't seem to need anything else 😀. Well,  not that we found out before he totalled it. My van was a surprise transmission repair.  The worst was Steve buying a car without a test drive many years ago and it didn't have a motor in it!! I hope that was the worst.  Jazz is looking at a Rogue, the car I wanted when I bought the van! We always have to worry about the transmissions and sometimes the front end.  

Kira's car is really cute,  it looks good on her! and is a blue color that probably pisses off the aliens but it matches her eyes.   My favorite used car was a Hyundai.  I worry a LOT about her wrecking it! but that will or won't happen.  Kira worries way to much about her music playing for a new driver.  

Oh and Dave lost his car.  He has been driving it with expired plates almost since he got it.  The title burned with their home and I did tell him to apply for a replacement title but he is a king of procrastination like most drug addicts.  He said he didn't know how he would get it out of impound and I said,  Well, you won't.  By the time he could get a title the impound fee would be way more than the car is worth.  I was just telling him he was going to have to move out and move on when this happened and I still am going to have to.  He won't do anything until he absolutely has to and maybe not even then.  Jami talks about how Dave hasn't done anything he said he would but neither has she.  Similar problems.  A lot of the pot calling the kettle black there. Jami just has an advantage over him because she is my daughter.  I told her she is going to have to move in my room with me and Dave has to leave so I can move Jeanette in.  I don't think She believes it?? Both of them,  if I say anything like that,  do/ say what they think will stop it.  Dave will mow the lawn.  He once gave me $70. Both will talk about the money they are "about to make".  But they have just sat down there while I have sunk into this debt hole.  I'm $5,000 in the hole Today and it's just getting worse.  

And OH OH OH!! Yesterday I thought I was going to have a heart attack!! I went out back and noticed that my 6 little lilac trees were all ripped out of the ground!!! It LOOKED intentional but I'm 99% sure that it wasn't.  Just a very stoned,  careless,  person,  probably Dave?? He and Jami were both working in the yard.  Jami was tending her little watermelon bed and Dave was mowing and weedeating. (Jami says he actually told her that he hoped I was noticing how helpful he is!!) If it was still blazing hot the lilac would all be dead.  As it is there is a chance that a couple of them will survive.  I carefully replanted them all using aged manure and humus and maybe that will save some of them. I have been super excited about finding them in the alley behind Zestos with Jenise last spring and getting 6 of them to transplant! I was sure we would have lilac sweetening the Air next spring. I couldn't wait for Jeanette to see/smell them!! Every spring since the farm I have searched for them and picked bouquets for her. And for me! Lilac sell for   at least $30 each for starter trees/bushes so I figured out how to get some going for free. 

SIGH.

 I'm looking at a new knee repair idea. I don't know much about it,  maybe it if only be too me,  but I am supposed to talk to them tomorrow.  It looks like coating the jagged bones with plastic? Which,  if it is,  then you wonder about the plastics leaching into the body BUT I'm not looking for a long term plan,  just enough to not be helpless or miserable for my last few years.  

Jeremy

 In really glad he fully admits that he is happier and would never want to move back here. He gets that it was always what was best for him the whole 10 years i was telling him he should GO Home. I used the whole mess to finally accomplish that and he even gets that.  He was scared to go,  afraid of change,  even tho he was absolutely miserable here.  He never missed a chance to say how much he hated Nebraska the whole time he was here. He always said Texas was where his heart was but I don't really think it was/is. It was just what he Knew.  No, Missouri with Scott on his farm isn't where he really wants to be either! but it's better than here and he plans to move on to Oklahoma ASAP. He has a 2 bed 1 bath apartment lined up through the Cherokee Nation for $300 a month which leaves enough for Katana and him to live pretty well.  Plus he has been doing some work under the table and will probably keep doing some of that.  Jeremy misses the kids but absolutely doesn't miss having any responsibility for them and you can't blame him for that!

ROOT

 This insurance sucks.  There is a 30 day "test drive" where everything is monitored and I cant touch my phone even at red lights or at all when the girls are driving. Kira and I both hit a curb yesterday so my score so far is 8 out of 10. I'm going to have to find a different insurance company. 

Jess Perioral Dermatitis

 I finally got Jess to see a doctor about her rash.  Still no medicaid,  but i got her into Charles Drew,  no copay first visit,  then it will be $30, probably the best deal I can find for her right now.  I'm not sure if county help still exists or if it would even help her.  It's an oddball diagnosis,  meaning no one is sure what causes it OR how to treat it.  It looks like they have only decided what to call it.  The main recommended antibiotic online is Tetracycline,  at least not something we have tried although Doxycycline is a derivative of it.  I just hope it works.  The med was about $50 - something is not getting paid!! but I HAD to do this!! She has been miserable and it has just gone on for too long!!

Pray this works.  Jeanette and I are pretty much all Jess has to help her.  Meezy will help with the money but I truly hate asking him to help her.  I do hate that Jess might just learn that doctors don't nearly have all of the answers.  I remember how frightening that was to realize for me and then for Jeanette.   

In the Hole

 I don't know how to dig out of this mess. 

$1,050 house INS by September

$1,400 house tax due July

$2,000 owe Kira Cheer

   $170 tags NOW

   $500 to  $5,000 to fix the van

$2,500 INS due next April

And supporting a house of six on Social Security!!

Riding with Jazz

 I do a lot of this.  Jazz has been driving us all the way out to get Jeanette most nights.  When I'm in bad shape I just think

All I have to do is drive to Runza, Jazz will do the rest

and it is getting us thru this 

Sunday night

 Philip's car was repossessed so Jenise has to get her car back from Jeanette so here we go - lots of driving and hoping the van holds up and i don't get pulled over for the tags again.  I can't see how to get out of this hole!! 

My car insurance just tripled from the girls' permits. I'm drowning. 

Kira's truth

 When Kira says things like that she lives the most deprived life, we are the poorest family, i react Wrongly. I think those things are Her reality,  whether they are an actuality or not. I react defensively when I try to point out that there Are definitely more deprived people instead of looking at Her current vision of Her world.  Especially since we let her go to Burk and definitely since we let her go into cheer.  At the time it seemed like the best thing for her.  It might really have been the best thing for her.  Even Jessalynn didn't think Kira would do well at North. She just shrank away at McMillan.  So,  yea,  she became a Burk cheerleader.  I don't think i thought about how much of this family really don't like cheerleaders!! Way more likely to think of comedies about them and stereotypes that are,  to most of the family,  and maybe in general,  spot on. How else do they become stereotypes?? I don't know.  But Jeremy and I made this happen for her when we weren't really able to afford it.  We robbed Peter to pay Paul, (I think meaning the rest of the family did without) and used windfalls to get her to this point. Then this year I can't afford it.  How much does that effect the way Kira respects and how she treats me? Maybe more than I have realized?? Kira acts spoiled and entitled. But we let her join a group that is notorious for those things.  I'm pretty sure that we somehow thought she would KNOW we went way out of our league to do it,  but that was asking too much of her. Wasn't it?? That would explain the way things are now.  But it becomes like looking at conspiracy theories that might be true. It like Trump's presidency.  Feeling helpless to do anything about it.  Maybe i can't.  But I can try harder to understand it. "What you understand you command". No. That quote is not always true.  But it's close to the truth,  thank you, Kriss. If I Could only figure out how to talk to Kira... I know I am sucking at this.  It is so much harder than talking to other kids.  

I can't help but compare Jami's daughters. Everyone does,  even Jami. They do seem to have a lot in common for kids that mostly did not grow up together. It sparks a lot of conversation about Nature vs Nurure. But maybe i put more than I should into this pigeon hole with Kira.  I wonder that about Lindsey,  too. Looking at Kira and Joey I think that Lindsey could have turned or exactly like she did if Mikey and Jami hadn't done what they did with her. The drug life, not going to elementary school. But that just feels like a Huge reach!! Of course those years negatively changed her!! But, did they change the outcome?? Did Jeremy,  Jess, and I change Kira's?? Is she difficult because of the cheer culture we let her in or would it be like this,  or worse!, without it?? I don't know the answer to this about Lindsey or Kira.  I will discuss how Jami's girls are alike while being angry at Jami,  Mikey,  and John for the things that happened to Lindsey after they took her from Steve and me.  And there were some really bad things! the grief over it is not misplaced.  But how much did it have to do with who she is now?? I don't think I can fully  judge that.  And I don't think i really even considered it until this morning.  

I will work on this if I remember. 

Gabriella

 How cruel all around to fall in love so close to the end!! And she loves me,  too. Twice now I have been chosen,  both in the twilight of my life!! What the hell!! Obi, I was 100% sure that she would outlive me!! I worried about her pain because,  besides Kirk, she only loved me,  and somehow I outlived him,  too. And I was sure I would drop dead from the pain losing Obi! But I survived,  and now I have my Gabriella.  My sweet Gabby. At least she Will love another,  I don't believe I'm exclusive with her, God, I hope not!! And sad as I am too have her so late in life she brings me such pure Joy!! Nothing confusing,  no doubts, no mixed feelings to sort. I love her dearly and she Loves Me!! Nothing else is as pure and clear in this world.  Thank you God!! 

BRIDGERTON

 OMG there's going to be a season 4!!!!

4th of July

 We missed going to Ralston again. Besides the funk I was in, no one in the house wanted to go.  Jeanette,  Jenise,  and Phillip would have gone with me,  but also it still felt sad. Jeremy has always been a big part of it and,  even more, I remember So Much Kirk loving the Family Day.  But Jess had told me there were several firework shows around. scheduled for today, and one of them was at Eagle Run, near Jeanette.  Rob was supposed to show up and take Riley out to see fireworks but he bailed on him (drinking again/still??) and when Nett called me about that I told her about Eagle Run and we made some fast plans.  Crap.  I already don't remember exactly what those plans were!!! I think just Dave went with me? Maybe Dave and Jami?? I drove to Jeanette's and she followed me,  or maybe I followed her?? whatever,  we followed others and then found a really good viewing place between two big, nice,  houses in a cul-de-sac and watched the fireworks together.  So. We,  a tiny bit of family,  celebrated the 4th together.  🤎

Trump, Diddy, OJ, Oran

I just spent hours outside working in the yard. I was digging and digging until I guess I had a blister in the middle of my hand and I just kept working till I busted it and made it bleed over and over and I couldn't stop. I'm so f****** depressed. I look around. Donald Trump is President and he's a bad man. OJ Simpson killed his wife and we found him innocent. Diddy, he is a bad man and he got away with it. I don't understand. I don't understand the world we live in and sometimes I think I don't want to understand if that's what I've got to understand. And I feel like I tried so hard to be a good person yet I have more people who hate and despise me than love me. I don't understand the world. I don't understand how it works. I don't know why it's the way it is or what it's supposed to mean. I'm a mess I think Diddy just set it off for me

I left out Oran Skaw. He was running through my head the whole time I was working, too. Another bad man who got away with it. Hurt my girls and tore my family apart. Got away with it.  What is wrong with this world?

I don't much want to be a part of it any more.  I can't play.  I don't understand the rules.  

Kira driving me crazy

 I've taught a lot of kids to drive and Never had problems like I have with Kira.  I spoke to her today about why she really needs to take drivers ed from an instructor, a stranger. She should be way ahead of where she is driving!! I'm afraid it is just our bad relationship. Mostly since Jeremy left but really there has been something Bad there for a While.  It just all makes me very,  very,  sad. 

I admire and am proud of so much in Kira!! She has good morals, really cares about Being Right, and,  right or wrong, she is not afraid to take a stand fit what she believes.  She works very hard at the things she wants to accomplish like how she will go over her cheer routines over and over to get them perfect.  There is so much good in her!! But there is darkness and confusion in her,  too. Her foul mouth makes your ears bleed and it has become her language when happy, sad, excited, or angry. Every emotion is expressed wrapped in language that would make a sailor look like the pope. I believe that comes from someplace Dark. And it is frightening that there is a similarity in all of Jami's children that I know of that is hateful, entitled, and without empathy. I think Joey might be different in this, the empathy, but Lindsey and Kira don't seem to be able to Know what animals and children want and need. Kira has shown some desire to learn how to know if an animal is happy but it has been a very long road and a lot of damaged pets to get her to that point.  I KNOW this is not a good sign. Today Jeremy and I were talking about how Kira would sit and rock for HOURS for YEARS growing up.  How we would point it out to DHHS and CPS and they would just blow us off. Did That turn into this??  Did not acknowledging that this was a problem turn into the problems she has now??? I would send her to Jeremy if he knew any more than me about how to help her but he says he is just lost, too.

We can't lose her!! But how to reach her????

I do hear that feeling Entitled is common in her generation.  What will happen to the kids with that issue?? Will life just some day just slap them in the face with the reality that NO One "deserves " anything? If that theory only in religion?? But even if it is, religions are of tour world . Maybe some will get everything they feel entitled to and they will just feel like they were right,  that they WERE owed by the world.  Would that even be a Good Thing?? I don't think isee that for Kira. Maybe for some kids born into rich families who just give them everything they want all of their lives.  I don't I would even want that life.  It would be hollow. Devoid if the amazing feeling that you Accomplished something.  How truly awful! So,  then a Rude Awakening for all the other kids. Like Kira.  She anyway f eels so Ripped Off coming from a family that has to work for everything.  She says she is the Only Kid She Knows who has to work and buy their own car. I believe she means that.  How much does that feed into her resentment?? She bemoans that

Nett's birthday party

 ...somehow went off beautifully. Jeanette was 3 hours late, I wondered if that was a record for her and everyone said no but no one could name later time.  I was scared of it being a disaster mostly because Jess had been preparing for the day for over a week and started prepping 3 days before.  The only thing wrong with the meal was the potato salad,  my big contribution! but no one could figure out exactly what was wrong with it.  Today it hit me  - I didn't remember adding the boiled eggs because I didn't! 🫤 Jess made 2 cakes, the German Chocolate one Jeanette requested and then one of her fancy masterpieces and they were both fantastic.  There was no friction or conflict, just Family together ❤️.  Jenise and Phillip came early and helped set up.  

OMG we were sitting on the deck taking a break and Phillip said,  "Grandma, don't panic or move" and I just froze.  He knows better than anyone how terrified I am of wasps after last summer and he saw one land on my leg and then onto the cigarette in my mouth.  My eyes must have been huge when I saw it!!! "Phillip said,  "Now just drop it" and I opened my lips and let the cigarette fall and the little asshole flew off.  I said how they didn't seem to know me,  recognize me, any more and Phillip smugly said,  "That's because I killed all of those!" and he can be smug all he wants because that's so true!!

Back to the party.  It was all I could hope for for Jeanette and for Jess. For all of us. A truly Great Day. 😆💓❤️💞💕💗💕💕❤️❣️

Our Riley, ❤️!

 Nett was at work Wednesday night and saw a gang banger friend of Riley's trying to steal her car.  The fuel pump is out,  he just got it into the street and left it.  She texted me about it when she got home and I called and said I was coming over,  bringing Jami and Dave to at least push her car back in the driveway.  She didn't call the police because,  well,  they are scared of this guy!! She was Hot Pissed off and so was I and both of us wondering what Riley knew.  I called Riley on the way.  He wasn't "in on" it but kept insisting the boy was his "homie" and that he was sure he wasn't stealing Nett's car!! It took me forever to understand this! I've thought that Riley's Probation Officer was saying that Riley didn't understand right and wrong, or even his Miranda rights, I thought she was just saying that to get him off.  I was in Big Time denial that it was true! So Riley is telling me the guy was just going to drive the car a little and I'm screaming at him that driving without permission is STEALING and we aren't understanding each other.  I pull up and bust in the house where Nett is yelling the same things at Riley and I finally hear Jami who had been trying to shut me up all the way in the car on the phone "MOM! YOU ARE FUCKING UP!! HE CANT TAKE THIS! MOM!!! HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND!!!" and I finally stopped and Heard Her.  Nett came outside with us and we all took a beat and let Riley,  who was crying now,  retreat to his room.  Jeanette said that she had actually called him a Retard!!! OMG I'm so glad I'm not the one dealing with That guilt!!!!!! But I Never would!! Period. Robby came out and we pushed the car up the drive into the range of the ring cam and Riley came out and took off walking.  I asked Jeanette where he was most likely headed and she said to Jackson's house in Elkhorn. Jami, Dave and I loaded up and I used 360, with them as look outs, to find him. We caught up with him around 135th and Maple. Jami asked him to get in, and he said no, so she said that I wouldn't say another word to him if he would get in and let us give him a ride. That or the fact that it was raining made him get in. He was talking, saying how very badly his mom hurt his feelings and that he still didn't understand what the deal was BUT also he thought his mom just shouldn't treat him that way and call him Retard. Jami and Dave agreed with him, told him Nett felt terrible and that we all love and want to help him. Near Jackson's house we ran into Jackson walking to meet him. When Riley got out he came to my door and hugged me 3 times telling me that he loved me and that he Knows that I Love him. The next day I texted Jeanette that we should get together and Love Bomb Riley and figure out how to help him and keep him safe.  She agreed. But then at 3 am Riley called me crying his guts out, said his mom came home from work yelling at him, calling him retarded more, threatening to turn him over to his PO, saying Riley doesn't love her. I offered to go get him but he didn't want that.  I texted Nett, didn't say I was talking to Riley, just asking what was going on. I'll copy it in here maybe!? I don't remember how it went but she did say she didn't believe that the boys love her. She says that ofen. I told her, always tell her, they love her more than anything in the word, AND THATS ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!! but she can't believe it right not.  Some of it is her own insecurity, but it also is just the boys being teenagers. I was on the phone with Riley till 5 am. We talked about him coming to stay with me for a while and I think he might.  Maybe he and Jeanette just need a break.  Then I slept most of the day,  until Jenise called from work saying that Robby has texted her that Riley was in big trouble but Robby deleted the message before she read it all and she was about to leave work to go check on them.  I told her no,  that I was already headed out the door,  and I was.  100 mph down 680 and slightly slower on Maple Street. I think I broke Philip's 10 minute record getting there.  Jeanette was just leaving,  I passed her in the trailer park exit. We both stopped and I said I was stopping to check on the boys for her.  She said something like that they needed checked on,  looked stressed and pissed. I told her I would handle whatever it was.  I got to Nett's and Riley was crying and flipping out,  Robby was trying to talk to him but saying the wrong things to help (like all of us do at times) but I was IN TUNE this time and I went in Riley's room and sorted it out. It was a lot more than the issue with his mother! - Jackson has been his best friend for a long , long, time, and he texted Riley after Riley got home that afternoon that he hated him,  that Riley was weird,  that they weren't friends, that he was coming to fight.  So I get Riley talking about what all they did today and he just kind of by and by mentioned that Jackson had a girlfriend and this girlfriend was around today and that she had asked Jackson for Riley's phone number! When Riley said that I told him, "There is your problem! Jackson didn't just suddenly start hating you, he is jealous!". Riley said "How could he be jealous? He didn't even know that his girl started texting and calling me after that!??" and I said "Riley, that doesn't matter! She asked him for your number he's jealous!". That's that. And there's no problem with Jackson beating Riley up cuz, truthfully, I could probably beat Jackson up! that's not even the issue. The issue was losing somebody who had been his friend for that long while dealing with all this from his mom. And no, I don't understand if his mother keeps saying that he's retarded, I just don't get that. She felt so bad about that last night! I don't know what's going on with that, I just know that I was there to help Riley right then.  I asked Riley what I should do, did he want to go home with me? and he said, not yet. So then Robby wanted to go to Keegan's house and I told him I would take him to give them some space from each other and give Riley some time alone to cool down. I texted Jeanette that I was doing that and she seemed okay with it so I hope it's over, peaceful, there, for now at least. I need to get Riley to stay over here a while or go stay with Jenise or something. They need some space there. 

I used voice texting for the last part of this so people's names are spelled wrong but I'll go back and fix that later when I fix all the typos I made before I started doing this and when I fix all the times this voice text thing didn't understand exactly what I was saying but I think I just wanted to get this story in here before I forgot it cuz it's something I have to deal with and can't forget.

I love this little family SO MUCH!!!!! Every one of them mean the world to me.  

Im going to try to call Riley.

ER - DID THAT

 Yea,  it got so bad I actually went.  The thrush started blocking my throat,  breathing and swallowing were becoming a thing of the past,  and I wasn't quite ready to Be a thing of the past.   

One small thing - I lied about what might have caused my condition.  I wanted it treated right away without any time delay complications.  I know thrush This Bad without a direct cause i.e. steroid or antibiotic use,  can be a big Red Flag. I will make an appointment soon to look for those little details.  I wanted/ needed immediate help with the immediate issue. I have 3 weeks of medications to keep this under control until I can take care of whatever tests I need.  I don't have HIV, cancer,  maybe??,  (could explain the weight loss!) but the most likely culprit would be that my glucose is off again.  I'll start testing for that myself today.  

But oh oh oh!! This Dr, Lauren at Benson CHI isn't my favorite, even tho I have to admit she is one of the most thorough in urgent care, and maybe the most current on medication and some disease information,  but she gave me the diflucan i4 always have to fight to get AND she recommended that I try Clortrimizan Lozenges instead of the normal nistatin. First,  it tastes SO MUCH better than nistatin!!! (like those old candy cigarettes!😀) but I believe it might work better, too! I didn't even know that athletes foot cream came in pill form or that it would be delicious!!  The pain was Way Less right away but kicked back up after a couple of hours and I was sad about that until I looked and saw that they are a 5 times a day med!!! I told Jeanette right away,  she has yeast problems even worse than me! and she hasn't heard of it either.  She jumped right on that detail that I shouldn't even have this issue this badly.  But she also went straight to me needing glucose testing.  Whatever.  Maybe this will help both of us.  

I do get thrush from time to time but this was different. I was driving yesterday and my back hurt terrible and then my lower abdomen until I realized that the familiar feeling was Exactly like menstrual cramps with a bad yeast  infection + endometriosis, except I don't have a uterus or ovaries or, hopefully! endometriosis.  Hmm. Need more government funding for research.  

Triple dose of stress ~ I AM BROKE.  Not a little short on cash.  BROKE. Need to get out on a street corner with a sign BROKE. I've even been figuring out what verbage I would use for my sign.  Kira put gas in the van last night,  Jazz already did,  and there are 5 days of this month left...  I just HATE THIS. Paying the house insurance at $530 a month is killing me and as soon as I finish that for the year I have to find $1400 for property taxes in July and then in a few months I'll have to start paying on the next $2500 house insurance!!!!! I know i need to get some kind of a job but that is not possible with being Uber for the girls.  They plan to buy cars (with the money they have saved while I've gone broke!!) by September but I don't think either of them can see the reality of buying their own gasoline,  car insurance,  and car maintenance and I will be asked to help them or keep driving them after September.  Hoping that Jessalynn would some day pay that forward was so ridiculous!! SHE doesn't grasp or care that I was even helping her. Ever. I just needed to mature and learn to talk and think like an adult like her. Patronizing says it all.  (Yes. I knew who/ what she was long ago. I just need to Stop thinking that people will rise above who they have been.  Foolish.) (The only way she Rose Above was to get a clear view of looking down on me! 🤣) kira is a bit like her but more honest about it and innocent in her thinking.  Kira tells me it is my OBLIGATION to drive them so they can make money, and she truly believes that! which tops just not giving a shit. Jeanette, Jazz, Jenise and even Riley  understand a little gratitude.   So I myself don't mind doing with even less to help them! But there is no robbing Peter to pay Paul even possible right now. Peter, Paul, and Mary are broke.  So WHAT TO DO. And of course Jeanette's car is broke down right now!! Jenise and Phillip have been helping her but they might not be able to after tomorrow.  I used to borrow from Meezy, and pay him back!! but he unfairly acts like JESS owes him if he helps me,  anything to get his hooks back in her!!     I am probably going to try to make a deal with Jazz but only if I can make it profitable to her in the long run,  pay her a high interest on the loan.  I have things I can sell,  maybe make an Ebay store? but that's not immediate help.  I'll also find out when Jami gets paid and I know Dave will come up with whatever he can.  He should be able to start working again but I don't think he'll get daily pay! So. Here. I. Sit.  Yea! I've lived to 67!!  BOO! HISS! It's Way More 😩 than joy!!

ER Time

 I just need time to go to the ER!! I feel terrible, thrush, sharp sharp headache in front like the aneurysm,  low abdomen pain,  what the hell - i don't even understand having the thrush. The rest is too much.  But when to get help?? I should have just gone after i picked up Jazz from work.  Then Kira has cheer in the morning and then I start helping Nett with transportation between driving the girls to and from work - i wish I could just give Nett the van for her to do it all but that wouldn't work with he work schedule and the girls work schedules. Maybe i can go to an urgent care while Kira is at cheer practice in the morning.  

Shoulda gone tonight.  Maybe still should.  Don't think I will sleep.  I've hardly slept the last 3 days.  This sucks. 

5 am

 One of those nights.  No sleep.  I just wish the sun would come up so I can tend the garden.  The watermelons popped up yesterday 🙂 I hope they make it.  2 more zucchini,  green ones,  are sprouting and I have 3 new cucumber sprouts and a lot of carrots and radishes coming up.  I'm stagger planting some things in case the first ones peter out or just don't work. I do love doing all of this!! I love that it keeps me outside,  too. 

I go a little crazy with not being able to control how much I spend on utilities, groceries and household things. When I tried to start using the AC late to save money Jess and Kira got so angry 😠 that I gave up.  Nova pooped on Kira's bed and she actually complained that she was freezing in her room without her thick blanets!! I'm freezing right now. And I'm the one paying for this!! No. I don't say anything about the AC or the heating in the winter or about buying coffees that are to me ridiculously expensive. Elaborate meals that cost over $20 to prepare all the time.  Name brand almost everything. No.  I just go out and work in the yard every day that I can walk that far and it isn't raining.  I thought i might not be able to handle the recent 100 degree days outside but it wasn't so bad.  I was out of the house. 

Jami the hero

 Yep. Jami took one for the team today and got my van fixed.  Kind of a joke there. She Did get a friend of hers to fix the van, but she didn't even have to offer anything in return.  Yes,  Nett and Jami have been known to offer favors for helping me,  but they never pay up more than they would have wanted to,  it's not prostitution!! but sometimes they have used their wiles to get things done.  Riley says he doesn't have a problem with the system. He says if guys are doing things and expecting more than they get for it that's their problem 😅! These kids can Crack me up!! But Jami looked at the van last night and told me she was sure I didn't ruin it, that the worst news would be if it needed a water pump but she was pretty sure it was just the thermostat (things I would have realized if I hadn't gone into panic mode!) (Hell,  I taught her what to look for!!) and Mike Boyles confirmed the diagnosis and then replaced it this morning 😁. M. Boyles helped me get thru Jami's coma,  he has been thru the same, and he messaged with me and kept me somewhat calm. Yes,  he's a Meth man, I'm pretty sure that everyone Jami knows is,  but he's a decent one from what I have seen.  

Oh, and Mike says that the way I got it home,  stopping and letting it cool whenever it got to 240 degrees, and several times it was 250 by the time I could pull it over, but he said that I saved the van from getting too much damage doing that.  Tip I have to remember but hope I never need to know it again...

So, I have a vehicle again and can go back to being Uber for the kids.  

Did I REALLY want this???? I guess so.??

Today I became Aware

 of how vulnerable I truly am. Almost helpless.  The van started overheating.  It would shoot up to 250 degrees within a few blocks so I drove home from 50th and Ames stopping every few blocks to let the motor cool.  It was 100 degrees today,  too hot to have the windows down.  Also too hot to have the heat full blast,  but I did to try to keep the motor cool. And there I sat, pausing over and over in places I would never choose to be,  old, can barely walk,  no weapons or even mace.  Alone. When finally got home I just shut myself in my room and cried.  Horrified that I had been afraid.  And Aware. 

Reality truly sucks.

PT w/Dr. J

 I started PT today for me knee and I am hopeful for the first time in s long time that I could be able to walk every day again.  Dr. Jay explained everything very clearly and then explained what he plans to do.  The ball joints in my knees are roughened and scraping when I move.  He wants to train the muscles around them to do more of the work when I move to stress the ball joints less.  Maybe.  

Maybe this will work. 

The girls in Lincoln

 The girls are in Lincoln for a few days,  I believe to help them move. The house feels STILL with them gone.  With Dave and Jami sleeping days it feels like is just Jess and me here but,  weird,  the house doesn't feel empty so much as Still. Like it's holding it's breath waiting for them to come back.  

I will like Not having to chauffeur then around.  I don't mind Jazz so much but Kira, with her "it's your OBLIGATION to drive me to work" BS is just insane.  So Much of this generation has no clue what gratitude is!!! Or obligation for that matter.  I will be relieved to be thru with them but then I will also probably be dead,  no time left to live my own life.  It was always going to happen Some Day. I used to pray every night to live until my daughters were 18. Just let me live to raise them!! and extra time to do some things that I couldn't do while raising children would just be a cherry on top. Then I chose to help raise the grandchildren.  I actually had some idea that if I could just get Jessalynn thru both school and college it would at least show the younger ones the way and maybe she would even help them.  (I'm a comedian) Then I adopted Kira and took guardianship of Jasmine. Choices I made, don't regret! but that cherry on top was pushed back so far I can't see it.  I NEVER expected to make it this long!, was always making Plan B plans for if I died before they were raised.  And whadya know,  her I am greedily hoping to at least see the beginning of Eliot's life!! But,  Oh!! Those days sister-in-law Judy and I used to talk about,  when we would just be sitting on our porch in our rocking chair passing a joint!! But not only am I allergic to THC but Judy is dead and I will see her soon.  I wonder if she made it to her porch before she died?? I'm pretty sure I won't.  I could have Elliot and my porch if I live long enough. At least I (dear God) won't be raising my great grandson. 

But I have to keep on for Jazz and Kira right now. They should at least be driving by next fall.  If they don't have cars they can have mine.  Thankful for delivery services!! Jeanette and Jenise will get the boys through.  

Jazz and Kira, please. Maybe my rocking chair.  My cherry on top.  

Maybe. 

I worry the world will go to shit before the grandchildren's lives are over.  War, the grid going down,  things I have tried to plan for in my head but absolutely won't be here to guide them thru.  They will survive or they will join me in whatever comes next.  I'll be outa here. 

Working my ass off!!

 I've been in the garden all day except I took Jazz to work at 5. It's been a 90 degree day and I sure am feeling it! I cut out the little trees trying to go thru the fence and pulled the weeds there,  too.  Dug out around the big maple tree.  Then I've been hauling dirt and filling the walkway thru the middle of the garden so I can fence it and still get at everything.  I scraped the caterpillar eggs off of every leaf on my plants and killed any little ones that had hatched when I first got out here. So glad I didn't have that surgery and give up my close up sight!! I take a break whenever I feel like I'm going to break.  Just ten minutes gets the pain under control most of the time.  Taking one now.  It will be dark soon so I have to hurry.  I want to plant a few things before it rains again.  Ok. Here I go.  

My garden

 I have to get another round of seeds in the ground today and put up my fence.  And putting up the fence means making the "walkway" I'm pouring in safe to walk in.  I have big flat (Sort of) chunks of cement that I dug up as ' stepping stones' but they are uneven, unsteady,  and I fall a LOT trying to walk on them.  I am very excited that I actually got this started early enough this year!! I'm off and sick in the spring I think because I have so many different allergies. I know I couldn't even get out of bed in the spring most of the time when we lived on the farm. New paragraph well that didn't work so well. Jamie taught me how to use speech to text on this phone and I am trying it right now since I evidently have a million typos for each sentence and not all of them are funny. New paragraph how the hell do I get it to do a new paragraph that might drive me crazy. End of paragraph okay that didn't work either.!

Thru heat and pain

 I worked until 3pm ignoring the heat and pain and got a lot done in my garden but not nearly as much as I hoped.  I'm excited that the girls will be in Lincoln next Tuesday and Wednesday and i will get a break from chauffeuring then around.  I REALLY HATE IT. And Kira's attitude makes it so very much worse.  Absolutely No Gratitude because she believes that driving them is my OBLIGATION.  Unbelievable.  She should be taking a bus with that attitude. I KNOW the bus runs to the mall and probably to the zoo or near it.  

Anyway, I will have 2 uninterrupted days but,  just my luck, it is forecast to rain on those days,  I just hope they at wrong a they so often are!!

Sherah

 I got up and started working in the garden and then remembered that Jess wanted to go to the laundromat today. I told her I wanted to just go alone and do her laundry because I didn't wasn't to stress if she was ok or worried about Nova at home.  It took some convincing but she let me do it.  Jenise showed up as I was getting ready to leave so I asked her to follow me there and we could hang out while the laundry washed.  It was great having her company!! She is very obviously pregnant now!! 🙃🫠😀 I didn't let her carry anything - I won't risk this baby for Anything!! We loaded the washer and went across to Pepperjax and got lunch.  Jenise had to go shortly after I moved the laundry to the dryers 🙁 and then I found out what was hard for me to do - folding. I forgot that my use of my arms is very limited without severe pain.  I had to stop several times and try to meditate beyond the pain! I almost gave up and just bundled it all and went home but then i pictured Jess having to finish and I got it done.  Jess did have to unload the van, it was time to admit I needed help! I took Gabriella out and piddles in the garden a little until it was time to get Kira. Then I went back to my garden until it was too dark to see what I was doing and then  I drilled our what was going to be my compost bin. Jami had come out and kept me company while I worked,  which was really nice! but then she went in and cut watermelon for us and we stood in the kitchen wolfing down the sweetest watermelon until Jess came in and reminded me I had to pick up Jasmine.  Jami rode with me and I tore out of here praying Jazz wouldn't get off on time so I wouldn't be late and she was 10 minutes late so we were good.  I hope I'm never late to get her again!! She doesn't get mad at me like Kira does,  she's smart, she is just so disappointed in me that I feel terribly.  

What a long day! I hope i don't pay for it tomorrow. 

It was The Best Birthday

 Jess really outdid herself yesterday!! I knew there was some kind of plan for my BD. Jess has asked if i was ok with going somewhere Saturday morning and then Jenise knew something and said that she might go, too, and that i shouldn't worry,  my mother approved.  Jenise said she probably couldn't go but then yesterday morning when she and Phillip walked in the house i knew it was ON and it was going to be great. Phillip drove,  (the only person on earth whose driving i trust) and Jess said we could bring the dogs so I figured we were headed for the park.  Wrong. We went to the Old Market and I saw the stalls set up and asked "Is that the Farmers Market? I've always wanted to go to that!" And we did!! It felt like being at the Renaissance Fair or a Texas flea market!! I was happy with that but then Jess said, "We have to take the dogs home for the next part" so there was more!! Next we pulled up at the Joslyn Art Museum!!!! and there was a sign saying there was a Japanese water display inside!!!! One thing I had stressed about all week was worrying what they were going to spend but these things were Free!! It was Brilliant!! Then Dave and Jami picked Kira up from work and did the shopping for Jess and Jazz didn't work so I didn't have to do Anything.  Jess made my new favorite,  gnocci,  I ate a big plate,  then amazing chocolate cake,  and knocked out. 

I got other gifts, too, and I hear there are more to come.  Nett had to work 😕 so I haven't seen her yet.  Kira gave me a water bottle like hers. I filled it with ice water right away and it still had ice in it this morning!!!! 

Ok. I guess I don't mind surviving until this birthday but I really hope I'm not starting another 22 year punishment phase!!

Happy Birthday 🎂 🥳 🎉

 I came home last night to balloons on the mail box and the house decorated.  Why do we feel embarrassed when someone does something like that???? I wish I was still asleep but had to take Kira to work so my day has begun.  

Authoring

 I started writing when I was 8. It started with a little journal that I started writing poetry in.  Then I wrote short stories,  then long poems that were stories.  In Junior High I won my first writing contest for writing "How I Escaped From the Savage Natives on a South Pacific Island", a sci-fi,  fantasy, action comedy that hung in a glass case for years at Beverly Hills Intermediate.  In 9th grade I wrote and performed in a rhyming play a la Shakespeare for Health Class that the teacher sent to Weightwtchers Anonymous who asked for permission to use and perform it.  EVERYONE,  including me! said I would end up being a Great Writer.  Well, my father changed his mind and said that I would have to give it up someday because he was sure I would be a mathematician or engineer,  but that's a different story.  My first side hustle was selling poetry to students in my high school for their poetry class.  During my teen years I would go to parties and sit in the corner and write poems for people to give to their girlfriends,  boyfriend,  etc. I loved having people tell me what they wanted to say and then making it into a poem for them.  I wrote a poem for Jim Cooper that was his final wishes.  Funny,  almost 50 years ago and I can still see Jim sitting up on a console stereo while I sat below him scribbling frantically to keep up 🙂. I have a poetry page in here somewhere that has a scattering of my poetry but it is only what I could still remember 10 years or so ago,  just a tiny fraction of what I wrote,  but at least some of the best,  including Jim's will, which wasn't nearly one of my best! just one that stuck in my head. I wrote and performed in another poetry play about dentistry while working for Dental Health Alliance at Sitel telemarketing.  I had an extra muse then,  author/artist/actor Rodger Gerberding, whose admiration pulled capability out of me that I've seldom experienced,  thank you, Rodger❣️ I was in my thirties then.  Still thinking I would eventually start writing the novels everyone expected from me.  Then I sadly wrote a couple of eulogies, the one for Jackie Lynn and the one for my mothet are also in the poetry page here.  After the one for Mom I started feeling like I was struggling to write and I have written very little since then.  I think it started with looking back and deciding that 90% of what I had written was actually pure crap.  Then it felt like my muse was slipping away.  Not Rodger, but the muse I believed had been writing for me all my life. 10 years ago while we were living in the Yellow House I started writing again on my Fire tablet and I wrote my last "good" story poem about a runaway slave traveling north to escape bondage. I felt my muse Hugely. I knew really nothing about the subject,  it was one of those that seemed to come from beyond me.  I broke that tablet in a fight with Jeremy and lost all of my writing on it.  And haven't been able to write Anything since. I am old now,  when I was sure I would be writing my novels, if I survived this long! but I have nothing.  No muse,  no brilliance.  NOTHING. I have a lot of brain damage but my muse left long before brain bleeds and White Matter Disease.  It could be partly that I don't have half the confidence.  Is that even the right word?? I no longer feel like I have anything worthwhile to offer and that feeling compounds and grows daily. Maybe it's looking at the mess of the lives I have influenced and how few people actually look up to or even have any respect for me.  Being in your 60's and realizing you have been/are a huge fuck up can destroy you!! And also my Old Age is nothing like I hoped it would be if I made it here.  If I saw old age, I saw no longer having responsibilities for kids etc. and time to do whatever I pleased. That hasn't happened!! I have 2 daughters who will always need some kind of help and I am still raising their children.  Driving kids to school and work Every Day and trying to run a household with 6 people on less than$2000 a month. True, if I really was going to Do It I have hours between driving kids most days that I could be writing ?? but again,  no muse and nothing to offer.  I'm a jet circling the tower waiting for permission to land,  in a holding pattern,  and I know now that the end is a crash.  If by some miracle I am still alive when the last grandchildren leave home and I have figured out how to sustain Jami and Jess I Could Have that "free" time. But again. No muse. Nothing to offer.  If I went totally mute no one would miss my voice, Kira would rejoice! and that's just the honest truth.  I'm not feeling any self pity there.  I don't exactly know how/why but I Know it is my own fault even if it was never my intention.  It's more than just no longer being relevant.  I'm looking every minute for the explanation,  how did I fuck it all so badly? but the answer to that is somewhere beyond me still.  Self realization is so difficult!! and there is that fear that I actually know the answer but somehow can't bring it forth because I can't bear it.  Self destructive self preservation. Involuntary protective delusion.  I don't know. Anything.

67?

 That must be correct?? Almost there. My friend Fred days he eats steak and eggs and works out twice a day to keep in shape.  I had no real reply to that message.  I just happen to still be here!! Brain aneurysm,  3 big brain bleeds,  microbleeds all over my brain supposed to be killing me.  And here I am. Pack a day.  Literally wasting away they say. And here I am.  Some people actually say "You are supposed to be here!" like they know something.  Maybe Jeanette knows.  She days this life is actually a punishment.  When she said it is thought/ hoped she mentioned that the torture is run in 22 year cycles because I was done with them.  I was 66. If I live 3 days more I will be 67. 

I'm sure I have experienced Joy. I know i have even if I don't remember. Isn't it always tinged?? It's a beautiful new baby! 😀😃😄 that you will worry about,  fear for,  and dread the day they are gone.  Tinge. It's the whole silver lining thing seen realistically.  The cloud doesn't always come first.  Not in punitive life! 

3 days.  

One of those days

 when I am 99% sure this life just isn't worth anything.  I always have some anxiety and maybe depression when my heart is "acting up". Usually you aren't even aware of your heart functioning.  It just does it's job.  Efficiently.  Quietly.  Then days like this when it feels like it is shaking around in your chest and you are pretty sure that it will just stop beating during one of these kind of days.  Not pain.  Not even really discomfort.  Just knowing it's not working right and then the awareness that everything will stop working when it gets too tired.  Too old.  Too abused to keep beating.  Then awareness that it doesn't really matter all that much.  That grip of panic that Jess, some others,  will have a hard time surviving without me,  it gets less.  Maybe it just diminishes in the eventual inevitably.  I think,  I'm So Tired. 

Another day...!!??

 I guess I'll will be surprised every day from here on out that I'm Still Here. (Sorry haters!!)  It made me think of waking at Barefoot's with Jeremy.  How I would pop up ready to get busy on whatever project I was in the middle of and Jeremy would groan that I couldn't just ever want to smoke a doobie and CHILL with him but he always wanted to be doing what I was doing so he got Up, too.  IT WAS THE BEST LIFE. Hardly seems possible if I just look at our circumstances from them.  Mom has just died.  Barefoot was in prison. I had No Family at all and Jeremy pretty much didn't either.  It was like we lived in our own little island. No money,  no car,  just living by our wits day by day. In a teepee!! I wonder now if it was ever possible for us to stay in that bubble?? If Jami hadn't called in labor with Michelle, if I hadn't returned here to be "Mom and Grandma", how long could that life have lasted??  Would we still be happily there together?? My family here would have survived without me the same as if I had died in Texas, maybe even survived Better. I used to say that I "won" the divorce with Steve because he was missing out on having the children and grandchildren. Yep. All the Joy and all the Pain and Misery of them all.  I'm a lot less smug about that Win now!! He took his new life and ran with it.  I started a new life,  then I threw it away for this reward.  I could have experienced the Pride and Joy long distance like Steven has and maybe missed all of the direct kicks in the teeth like he has. Familiarity breeds contempt. ? . 

I'm sorry,  Jeremy. I've always said that you should have stayed in Texas like I begged you to at the time.  The truth was that we should have Both stayed. None of this was your fault.  

The Stalker

 Funny how sometimes you can feel death taking a step closer.  Sometimes it is blatantly noticeable,  like a new diagnosis, but more often it is more subtle.  Like just realizing one day how old you have grown.  Or just knowing how many times you had to beat the odds to still be breathing.  I feel like death took a step closer recently.  Maybe the realization of mortality because my leg stopped cooperating?? No.  That's not death.  I think I stated that as more of a fear of living! I start wondering the where, when,  why,  how.  Ideally I wish it could happen in a hospital after a short stay.  Not in the house I leave to my family.  Not to be"discovered" dead by one of them!! The whole"I can't wake Grandma!" thing is just *shudder*.  

I really need to update a Living Will...

This Can't Walk thing

 Driving me crazy.  It's been raining so I can't do much outside. I would just sleep away the days but the leg hurts so much! there is not a comfortable position. So I am neither awake or asleep. 

A lot of driving Jazz and Kira.  Feeling bad I have to ask them to help with gasoline again but again these are different times than when Jlynn was saving for a car.  Keeping up with the household costs and the house insurance etc. is so hard to do!! Then add driving the girls over 600 miles a week...  It's just to much.  I told Dave how hard this is,  that we have a huge water disconnect, and he said he would be out the next day and went downstairs.  The next morning I told him I really didn't want that,  what I WANT is for him to start bringing in money.  He was so relieved!! He should have given me a minute more!! But he gets it now and,  BONUS!, he got rid of the monstrosity in the entryway!! I was suggesting dragging it outside and taking an axe to it but he took the time to disassemble it and put the pieces out back where I can actually make use of some of it.  

So.  I need this gloomy weather to stop and I need my left leg functional again!!!!! I guess that's asking a lot?? This body is just getting too old, I know. My fear lately is that I will be nonfunctional but ALIVE still.  What a cruel end!! and likely people wishing a cruel end on me.  But that would be cruel on those around me,  too, and hopefully no one wishes evil fit them!!

Oh and I really think things are better with Kira. I was afraid that it was fake nice at first but she really seems sincere. ??. I try very hard with her!! I know she's gotten the shit end of the stick in so many ways in her little life so far!! Yes,  she can be rude and often lacks empathy or understanding, a lot of that in ways that she has no control over! but I believe she has a good heart that will out shine all of that with a lot of love and just some things going right for her.  

CANNOT HAVE JESS UNHAPPY

 That saying years ago, "If Mamma's not happy, NOBODY IS HAPPY." 

That is Jess here.  She does her BEST to run this mess.  And it shouldn't be a Mess for her. I know a HUGE part of this is Jami. She has taken over half the basement and all of the storage areas and trashed them. She says I never bother to go look when they are cleaned up!! It should All Always Be Clean. No one here except Kira and Jazz even work outside the home.  ONLY Jess consistently works IN the home and I see her cleaning and cooking from 10 am to 6 pm EVERT DAY and then she gets out again to pick up everyone's mess in the kitchen and run the dishwasher. She knows how many dishes she should have in the kitchen!!!! Sometimes half are missing! But NOT in her room, my room, Jazz's room or even Kira's room any more.  WHERE ARE THEY. IN THE BASEMENT.  THE ONLY ROOM WE DON'T CHECK. YET. I put up a famous sign. As usual, like the one to scrape and rinse dishes. IT IS IGNORED. 

JESS IS NOT HAPPY. 

I am going to do everything to MAKE HER HAPPY. If I have to take dishes from living areas I will take Everything Around Them. Maybe the people, too.

Also, this is partly on me. The furniture piled in the Living Room. I Will take care of the Vanity and Loft BED and the books. But WHY IS THAT RIDICULOUS MONSTROSITY JAMI DRUG HOME STILL HERE????!!!!

AGAIN, I will get help to get rid of it but will EXACT A HUGE PRICE THERE,  TOO.

No one cares about pissing off, stressing, Jess. I won't care either. I'm done caring about entitled, lazy, PROBLEM, NON-CONTRIBUTING PEOPLE. 

DONE.

Oh, I'm sick of hearing Mike's car will be gone "in a few days" too.

Peek a Boos

 I see in my stats where there was a sudden spike in views around when Dave says Lindsey found and started sharing this.  Before that,  since 2009, ?, I only had some people in other countries who found this and asked to follow it to see some American life.  (Of Course I said Yes after telling them my life might not be the best depiction!) and now I still see 4 to eight views happening on each entry. I only have 5 overseas,  who don't check in every day,  and i just hope Lindsey is not one of the ones reading Every Day. I don't want her to be worried about/concerned with checking what I'm writing every day.  I just want her to get over it.  Move completely on.  Have better things to do. Are u there little girl?? If u are, I know that you were hugely offended I didn't MAKE Jami do what you wanted.  I want you to understand 2 things.  

1. If I could MAKE Jami do any thing I would have MADE her stop using drugs 40 years ago. Make her give up the meth Now. Stop seeing Mike!, shoplifting, taking other people's things,  lying, etc. And throwing her out Never Changes Anything AND she is a fricking boomerang! anyways. 

2. I KNEW you would serve No Time even if the charges stuck and, I admit, I had a small hope that you might end up with probation so u would HAVE TO stop doing drugs or risk failing a drug screen. I've already said both of those things. And I am aware that you have an image to uphold with Jake, maybe some Mannings?, and others that you don't do illegal amphetamines and being hateful to me validates your lies. But I know the truth. Not just from the way you were the last several times I saw you but since then I have talked to people who smoked meth with and got meth for you during this time. I know it definitely impacted your DHHS job's demise. I'm definitely not a prude here.  Everyone knows that Jeremy and I would get a little coke from M for concerts or big jobs like cleaning out the yellow house until his seizures and my heart condition made it a Very Bad Idea. Weekend users don't scare me. Addiction behavior Does. 

But I'm sure you have made your point to everyone that you hate me for "lying" about you. Give it a rest. Tell them you think I'm senile for believing you were using and let it go but LET IT GO.  You don't have to ever see/speak to me again.  Or you can if you want and act like I made a senile mistake and you are forgiving me. Whatever. But. Stop. This. Remember,  negative feelings/actions do more harm to the vessel that carries it than anything it is poured on. STOP  carrying this on and STOP POURING. The point is made, I'm sure.   The Mannings don't talk to me. Jake hates me.  They believe and support You. Isn't that Really what you want?? I believe IN and support you, too, you silly, silly girl. But please. I no longer check so I Don't Know, but. If you still Use. STOP. Get secret help if u have to, but I think u can Just Do It If You Haven't. 

Rain

 Yep, finally rain.  I guess I am ready for it.  I have to take a break before I am totally broken.  I often feel totally betrayed by my body and then I realize it is almost 67 years old and I marvel a little bit that it works at all. How many things do I have that old that still work?? That weird white Christmas candle might last 67 years!! 

I'll probably start some seeds, piddle around,  chat with Jeremy, take care of some overdue business like paying bills and updating applications, and hopefully clear up some of my gardening mess in the dining room. And a lot of laying around like broccoli (vegetating) 🙃

I will miss being able to be out in my garden.  Yesterday I sat down in a pile of soil that I have been moving to my raised beds,  and I realized how happy I was just sitting in a pile of dirt.  I was digging around me with a hand shovel looking for good top soil to put in my potato growing boxes and removing sticks for my compost and I was Happy. My arm might be broken,  (from a fall yesterday!), my knee is trashed and hurts like it is broken,  (probably will make an appointment to scan both while I'm laying around) and I was just 😊.  I talk to myself constantly while I work.  Not bitching about the past like at first (which was good for nothing!!) but just rambling.  If Gabriella is with me I act like I'm talking to her, to maybe make me look less crazy! (Not that I care if I look crazy!)  but I'm talking about whatever I am doing.  I haven't seem the movie "Babe" in decades but I keep saying,  "That'll do pig" every time I finish doing something! I had to Google to find out what movie it came from!! but yea, it seems to be my go-to phrase and it makes me smile a little every time so I keep doing it 🙃. Crazy Lady. Yep,  that's me!! Not shy about/ don't give a crap about admitting that because I know this Crazy Lady is one of the sanest people in my family, which makes me smile more! NOT that that's actually funny that we have So Many Crazies! but ok a little funny that a 66 year old lady with serious brain damage is one of the sanest!! Maybe that's only "funny" about the crazies who are crazy with living their delusions deliberately to defend their self righteous ignorant actions. That is hilariously bassackwards.  Maybe the wrong word there.  Self inflicted blindness is simply No Excuse. So people like that are just a joke. 

Worst Apology

 It's not funny but I laugh every time the line "That was the worst apology ever!!" goes through my head.  I think of how it came to me reading Jessalynn's text about MY journal and then again when I picture Jlynn thinking it when she read my response here.  I only have one apology for her,  for calling her names the night I threw them out.  That was just stupid trying to hurt her back because she hurt me.  You can't hurt someone who doesn't love you.  You only make them angry or, in Jlynn's case, indignant. It was childish. Otherwise,  yea, no regrets.  I'm not angry at Jeremy about it any more.  He always bitched about me to any one who would listen and No One who loved me would even listen,  let alone chastise me for whatever he was venting about.  Yes, he lied about me,  too, obviously,  but that's just his thing,  he survives on Pity. It has kept him alive,  fed,  and housed for most of his life an you have to admire that skill in him with his epilepsy and brain damage. No.  This is all on Jessalynn.  Even Brandon's abhorrent disrespect.  No One else in my family would let any one else attack me. Even if Jami is mad as hell at me she won't let any one else trash me. Oh, I forget about Lindsey.  I too often forget to add her! I love Lindsey with all my heart for the little girl she was but I never saw that little girl again after John had her.  That is heart breaking but sadly true. AND I don't think that the person she grew up to be is her "fault". Also heart breaking! I spent several years looking for who she Was but I think I started to "get it" when she said that she doesn't remember Steve and I having her until she was 6 years old or even the few times I got to see her while Mikey had her. My poor little girl!!! Any ways... no Jeremy is not to blame for any thing Jlynn or Brandon has said or done.  She is a horrific person but again,  I Loved the little girl BUT I also know that she KNOWS who took care of her almost All of her childhood.  I. did. Everything,  Everything for her because her father Always had other priorities,  and he Still Does, and mother was on bath salts and Meth an Got knows what until a few years ago.  I always had a room for her in my house, took her for doctor appointments,  immunizations, school, work,  and even drove to Lincoln whenever I could to help her get through first year in college. I guess she thinks that was all Jeremy. ?. No.  She just really doesn't give a shit.  ALL of the grand kids thought I loved Jlynn more than them,  some still do!, but that was never why.  I knew all along that Jenise was a better kid, and then a much better Human Being. She and Jazz have always been just amazing people. Kira is pretty rough now but was the sweetest thing growing up! and I think she'll pull thru being a rebelling teenager and be amazing again,  too. Jeanette's kids had both parents when they were little and then Jeanette did the best she could as a single parent except maybe the 6 months she was goo goo over Jon Ways. I had them then and with Jeremy's help and Jenise playing mother! to the boys I hope we did good with them.  I remember how sweet it was when Jeremy was taking Robby to Boy Scouts and we both always went to the kids events.  Almost none of their parents did any of that!! And my poor Shy. The Most Heartbreaking one of the bunch when she was little and now, too.  It's hard to believe how we often had 6 or more grandchildren living with us!! They were all so loving! but I did see the darkness in Jessalynn,  the rage in Robby, and the hurt in Kira from her parents that I knew could all make them turn out like they are now.  Kira Will pull through.  We need to get help or something with Robby! and Jlynn, well,  I'm pretty sure she will never be better unless she somehow gets a therapist who holds up a mirror or she goes through a tragedy that makes her SEE herself.  If I ever really had a "favorite" of course it would be and is Jenise.  From the first time I laid eyes on her in her car seat in Rob's car,  when I whispered,  "Mom? Are you in there?" and Jeanette said she never saw Jenise react like she did with Any One and Nett didn't even know what I asked Jenise! (All because Mom said she would come back in one of my grand children and Jenise was born next!) Whatever.  I have to mention my Riley, here,  too. I think Jess was first to see that he was "high functioning " autistic.  I knew, too, in first grade when I would help him with his homework.  I had to figure out how to make math make sense to him but when I did he would just Light Up and show brilliant understanding but then I would have to show him again over and over for it to "stick". Nett and I both have fought for him to get better teaching at school and only this year, when he is a sophmore in high school! does OPS believe his diagnosis!!!! My lost little guy! but he is so off the charts Loving!! Last night he called stranded somewhere and his phone died before I got where he was or told him that yes I would get him.  I took off from here like a crazy person with emergency flashers on running red lights and when he wasn't at the last location 360 showed for him,  I started driving the area in wider and wider circles until I had him. He did manage to call me,  someone let him charge his phone??, and he gave me a street name a few blocks from where I was.  I drove 20 miles circling the Benson areas! but he is just terrifying! Without GPS he has no idea how to get around Omaha and he will hitch rides with strangers always believing he can Tell who won't hurt him. I tell him that abusers couldn't get victims unless they could convince people they were "ok" and he gets that but Forgets that. I'm not nearly as crazy protective with any one else but Riley not only Needs it he is just Worth it. 💓

Crap. This was just a little entry about "the worst apology ever" and I just rambled around. Then again,  I will be 67 in a few weeks! (if I live that long!!)  and this is MY Journal do I get to ramble all I want. Hell, I could Lie in here like Jlynn accuses me! if I wanted but what would be the point of that????? No clue. 

See ya!!!!

Brain Scan day!!

 I'm waiting for my MRI. This is always scary. Right after the last one was All Clear Jeremy and I got in that wreck and I ended up with 3 brain bleeds,  one right where my aneurism was repaired!! They said my brain tissue would die everywhere the blood touched and I lost the ability to understand what I read and the ability to hear music in my head,  or how to play the guitar and piano,  I couldn't picture a single cord. An i have more blanks in my long term memory and serious damage to my short term memory.  Then they scanned a month after the accident and said the big bleeds had shrunk but they saw micro bleeds all over my brain.  I asked Dr Gold if this meant that I was in serous trouble and he said Yes, the first time he ever answered that question that way! I also have Severe White Matter Disease (which I believe is a fungal issue but it's hard to get doctors to take that idea serious!) so my brain is a wreck.  But. THEN my brain damage brother reminded me that the Brain and the Mind are different things and,  while they have mapped the Brain NO ONE has figured out what the Mind is! He told me to read a hundred year old way- before-its-time book called "Secrets of the Ages" and it opened my Mind to all the possibilities!!! I hear music,  can play some music,  and can understand the written word!!! It's been slow progress but IT IS PROGRESS. 

Whew! Scan over.  They put me in a special high definition MRI because of my new allergy to contrast.  It's a tight fit with a cage over my face holding my head in place.  NOT for the claustrophobic! They turned on the Beatles and began. I guess I'll find out tomorrow what my Forcast is.

4 days and no test results.  I hope that doesn't mean the results are bad or that something went wrong with that special MRI.

No one thinks they need to know

... survival in trauma and maybe they don't.  All my life,  since I was a kid,  I have studied survival skills. When I was 11 I started going on "survival hikes", hiking through Texas fields looking around and noticing different things that would help me survive if I was lost or stranded.  I still study these things but now,  in my old age,  know I myself will most likely never need to know them.  I am terrified that my descendants will someday need to know such things and I won't be here to help them! At best I will get an eye roll if I try to pass anything on when I know it Could Be necessary to know some day.  These days the fears are war, which had always been a fear to be ready for,  and something new.  The grid going down. If you think through what that could mean for communities it is absolutely terrifying if it lasts more than a few months.  When there is no power or running water and deliveries Stop. Everyone assumes it will just never happen when it is always just a heart beat away!! Terrifying. I try to see my daughters trying to lead this family safely through.  Jami knows the most. Jess is the most able to meet an unexpected tragedy.  Jeanette knows a lot but will be in the most in danger of not surviving without medical help.  I most likely won't live to see it happen. And I hope they don't either!! 

Just one of the many stupid things I worry about that I can do nothing about.  I garden.  Hope someone will carry that on when I am gone, at least keep the idea alive in case, God forbid! they actually need to know How. I'm leaving a map of what I'm doing,  hopefully not just digitally but a hand written one.  Just in case. 

There were a couple of deer in the neighbors backyard this evening.  Kira reacted like seeing aliens! They are all so distant from Life. Scary.

Sun and Sleepless

 This heat isn't nearly what I grew up with in Texas but it is kicking my butt.  Kira says the UV index has been really high,  something I knew nothing about until recent decades,  but maybe I'm feeling it.  The sun at 80 degrees here is painful.  It hurts my skin.  Not like sunburn but it burns. Trying to just work in the garden in the cooler morning and evening isn't enough and just too many things come up being The Driver here.  I'm hauling soil now and filling just the 3 inch high beds is taking me forever.  My garden will be very late and I definitely will be buying some seedlings. Almost all of mine are now dead. 

It didn't help that Riley called around 1am. I jumped up sure Jeanette was dying again out some other disaster! Riley's allergies were making him sick.  Turns out Nett was home from work and had already told him his illness was likely allergies but it made him angry and sure she wasn't really trying to help him so he called me.  Poor Riley! and Poor Jeanette! He really thinks he is dying when he gets sick and that his mom just isn't helping him.  Then he calls me.  He usually believes me,  even tho I have said the exact same thing Jeanette did,  maybe that's Why he believes me?  but it is hard on all 3 of us.  Only Riley could get away with waking me like this! because I know he can't help it. I should write down his complete diagnosis sometime so I can remember it,  but things like this are all part of it.  We are trying so hard to figure out how to help him grow up,  Jeanette understands way more than I do and she is often lost,  too. I would give my life to help Riley! Ok. Yea, that doesn't sound like much when I so often seem to not value my own life.  Just a thing people say to express your much something means?? Something I will delete later when I find a better way to express this??? 

I am cooking in the high UV with sleep deprivation and too little being done!!

Dang it

 I've been trying to time the sun where I have framed and dug my garden and I'm afraid it might only get 5 hours of full sun!!! I'll check me closely tomorrow but it is just too late and too much work to start over.  I'm a little proud of the whole Did It All By Myself thing but if anyone checked it with a T-square and level it wouldn't rate very high!! BUT getting everything (or anything!) exact using reclaimed wood of all shapes and sizes would have been a hellofa job!! I could have redone things until I got it exact but,  well, I'm not! Actually,  I DON'T think I could.  I intended to make the bed at least 8 inches high before I started planting but it can't wait any longer.  Hopefully I can add to it after it's planted?? I have 56 square feet framed with about a 4 × 3 space at the north end for corn with beans and peas climbing it.  I don't know what to do with the asparagus yet,  the space for corn might be the best place? Or I can start it in a crate and dig a separate garden for it after I plant the 56 sq feet???? We can't harvest the asparagus for at least 2 years. The strawberries, whatever survives,  won't really produce for at least a year either. 

Dave is mowing, dandelion seeds flying everywhere,  I wish we had done it before they all went to seed!!! Oh well. At least they are nutritious,  Jenise, you will never die of starvation here if the grid goes down etc!!

It's dark.  I worked in the SE corner of the yard until I couldn't see what I was doing and then I came on the deck and potted my beautiful Mother's Day flowers Kira gave me.  😃😃😃🥰😍❤️❤️ Maybe she doesn't Hate me completely??? I am hopeful.  Maybe too hopefull but it feels good for now.  

Now maybe a shower. Besides sweating in the garden all day I stupidly walked by Dave mowing on the wrong side and am covered in dandelion seeds and grass clippings and whatever else the lawnmower was throwing at me.  I think I felt a few rocks 🤔.

Lull after the storm

 Ok.  Jeanette is alive.  Everyone got whey they needed to go (although Jazz was pissed she was 5 minutes late to work) and we are all alive.  Last night I Jeremy was asking about Nett and I told him I was afraid of outliving her, or any of them! and I really am afraid Jeanette is going to lose this battle.  Please God No! But,  what did die during the last 2 days are most of my seedlings.  They were at a critical stage of repot or plant or die. They are mostly dead today 😑 but they are replaceable.  I just don't know if I have time to start seeds again,  I might have to break down and buy seedlings.  I hoped the bare root strawberries were the only plant stays I'd have to buy this year.  Oh well.  Always an emergency several times a year within the family.  I have my doubts about how much more I can physically do,  too. The left side of my body seems to be really messed up.  Then there will be the weather to contend with.  Oh and something I hadn't even considered.  The neighbor on the east side,  where my garden is,  is an avid ornamental plant grower,  she might even be selling them like I was in Texas,  and she uses chemicals for weed control and likely for fertilizer,  too. She is super sweet,  we talk energy we are both out back,  and she said she wouldn't plant anything tall on her side that might shake my vegetables.  I told her not to worry but she insisted it if fine.  I am not about to complain about the chemicals.  I have been googling the problem.  It said what I expected,  put up a barrier and leave a gap between our gardens. Oh amc how I've already cultivated that first 2 feet of soil! Google doesn't say how wide the gap needs to be,  I maybe should start completely over.  Damn I should have thought about this!! I saw that she had a garden yard, I just never considered that people use poisons instead of saving the planet except big government farmer!! My Bad. 

Jeanette in the hospital again!

 Something went wrong with her hysterectomy,  they think because of the connective tissue disorder,  and she is in Lakeside Hospital again 😭. I'm picking up Jazz from work,  I got here too early,  but I want to go to Jeanette.  I'm worried.  She just has too much go WRONG! I don't believe I would survive without Jeanette!!!  

And I'm supposed to be worried that people don't like/agree with thing I write in my journal.  I'm building and digging a big garden for the family,  almost ended up in the hospital myself today from severe dehydration working out in the full sun every day, driving 600 miles a week just ruining the kids around, and that was supposed to matter? What is the matter with people? If they don't want to love me they don't have to.  I am not ashamed of who I am.  I'm not always right but I have the best intentions for my own.  What else do they think I should be?

I see I wrote about the dehydration earlier, silly me! and that's why we are told not to depend on Dr Google - we scare ourselves with diabetes and Kidney failure search results when we just need a drink of water!!!!

Uh oh

 I might be sick,  like something really wrong! My mouth has been super dry for several days no matter how much I drank and now I haven't been able to pee since early yesterday.  I really noticed the morning because I ALWAYS have to pee when I wake up. 

My spelling has looked really bad because I have been using the slide texting because of my arthritis. I've been going back and correcting this entry,  had to fix six mistakes already.  

Bubble Wrap Jenise

I do wish I could just bubbly wrap her so no one can ever hurt her.  Sara is flipping out on Jenise over Sammy,  the guinea pig Sara gave her that died last week.  Blaming Jenise, making her cry,  pissing me off.  I know Sara is just over the top because she's had a few too many deaths lately but picking on Jenise,  especially while she is pregnant,  is inexcusable.  

Hopefully this blows over soon. 

Pfft! What drama!!

 I read through a lot of this all the way back to the beginning.  Why did my typing get so very progressively worse thru the years??! Probably because I use the slide texting Nett taught me years ago.  

Oh what pitiful misery to read thru the breakup with Jeremy! But time (and a lot of venting in a journal!) really does does heal almost everything! (except losing Herbert. NOTHING makes that pain better😭) 

I am So OK. I built and dug my garden, planting it now,  and it is a beautiful day.  

I was up all night texting with Jeremy.  Funny I hate him the least of all the people who decided our break up was their business.  Maybe they learned when it's time to go home?? Not my problem now.  He's staying at his brother's and bewildered that he is the Calm one in his brother's house! He is finding that I was correct that his family would feel less able to be constantly correcting his behavior. He's the best of the lot!! I don't mind helping him right now,  it's what I've been doing for years but with him There I don't have to really deal with his Growing Pains.  He was asking about himself as a father figure,  why did I say he was good until the kids got old enough to talk back.  I sent him the Ukranian artwork entry in here I titled "Jeremy The Father" and he liked it.  Was pleasantly surprised that I had saved and dedicated that to him a year ago. (He never snooped in my journals over our 22 years.) Yes,  he has some choices of decency that half of my family can't even comprehend.  But again, it is a beautiful day.