Jami move out again

 It's been a tense couple of weeks.  Actually,  I don't know how long it's been... Mike got out of jail unexpectedly recently and has been here a lot.  I agreed to him being here the first night but then he was just always here,  mostly showing up early in the morning and then they would be silent down there all day,  like asleep,  rinsed and repeat.  Jess and Kira were very unhappy about it,  asking every day is he was living here and they did not want that.  Neither did I. I would tell Jami he couldn't stay here but I'm pretty sure he wasn't really ever told by her.  Jami turned into another person a son as he got out.  She's a different person for him and the word part is I think he preferrs the real Jami. We all do.  She acts like her life is all about pleasing him,  keeping him.  She acts kind of like a rebellious teenager.  Like when she had the downstairs room at the last house. Sneaking people in and out through her window and taking two plates to her room at meal times saying she is Very Hungry.  

Kira is 16

 The youngest of the grandchildren,  Kira,  turned 16 today. She had me order a white, round cake covered in pink hearts and she wanted tempura with just us, including Shy, here and it was quite lovely.  One of the most beautiful evenings I've seen in a long. long,  time.  🙂💞💞💞

Jess decorated the table early all in pink and there were only a few gifts and Kira seemed HAPPY. It just made me feel wonderful to see her happy!! 

More Peace

 Maybe.  I don't dwell on it all so much.  It just Is.  In all it's whatever it is.  I still feel my household hates me and wished me dead.  Except Jami.  I live with my fake family,  smiling in my face,  Good knows what behind my back.  

I really never saw this coming

Ok, that was pretty bitter!

 Still here.  Got to find My way out of this Bitterness.  I HATE feeling bitter!! This will end even if it takes clearing My Home to make it end.  So much bullshit. Fake smiling Jess. How did I ever decide she was Beautiful?? I just Wanted to believe it so very much!! When she stopped the meth and started acting Nice.  I was just so thrilled that it was over I never really thought about the fact that she never even acknowledged that she was So Hateful and Blaming.  I just wanted to be happy that it was over.  Jami pointed out her influence over Jlynn and Brandon.  Jess,  always pointing out the Bright Side of every one.  She must be an angel, right?? And the sand fell from her eyes.  

I'm looking at this situation.  How to fix it ot at least make it better.  I ordered a 'hidden microphone'. I want to know.  Yes,  eavesdropping never hear any thing good.  I feel the hush when I walk in a room,  especially if it's Kira and Jess talking.  I need to decide.  

Do I keep pretending that I don't know how much they hate me?? No. So I get rid of them and fill this house with Loving Family??  What will become of them?? I do think Jess, like Jeremy,  is far more capable of surviving on her own than either know.   If she's not on drugs she could probably keep up with a housing application.  At least I won't be there to blame if she can't.  And they could get Jeremy to come back and take care of them if they wanted.  Surely they could figure out how to pay bills and survive.  

I am hating this life.  It was supposed to Set Me Free if I could ever get Jeremy to leave!!! 

My anger at them doesn't help,  I know.  But What is Anger?? They hurt me.  When I tried a while back to get Jess to help with the J & B situation she teared up and said,  "But Jessalynn is my daughter!" And,  mind you,  I wasn't even thinking any thing bad about Jlynn!! But what no one will ever hear from her no matter how I am treated evidently is "But that is my Mom!" Yes,  bitterness.  

When they are gone,  will I let it go?? Will I revert to worrying about if they are OK, regret casting them out?? 

I always say EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL SAFE IN THEIR OWN HOME.  None of us have been able to feel 'safe' with Jeremy in the house.  His rages, temper,  and carelessness endanger him and everyone around him.  He is the main reason I was saying that for years.  He is finally gone.  I DO NOT feel'safe' with what he left behind.  Independence Day, "Peace. No peace". 

I just keep feeling

 I barely sleep,  I do nothing,  really. But Feel. Feel sharp pains over and over. Everyone's pain,  even Jeremy's,  everyone's.  I'm always talking to everyone in my head.  Obsessively.  Non stop. Today it is Jess. Last night,  many nights,  it is Brandon.  How could he be so very hateful?? I hear it,  "You just manipulate Everybody!" Over and over like the year I heard Jessalynn's voice telling me I was disgusting. Over and over.  A constant loup of Pain. Brandon declared that I MANIPULATE EVERYONE.  If anything. I feel like I let everyone manipulate Me.  I just feel old and useless all the time.  I am ordered around all of the time, even by the youngest here. Get up,  drive here,  drive me there,  take care of the bills,  eat this,  eat that,  don't smoke,  Why don't you go play bingo at an old folks home? I don't even steer my own ship anymore but I am Manipulating Everyone.  Oh. And he meant especially Jeremy.  Jeremy who I couldn't even talk into bathing when he needed it.  Who shouted orders at me all the time and Refused To Leave no matter what he did or what I said and then it's My Fault he has stayed for 22 years with me taking care of him and was unhappy. WHY WOULDN'T HE JUST LEAVE? I tell him and Brandon in my head all the time: 

"If she says LEAVE. 

Maybe u should GO.  

If she says that NO ONE WILL EVER ASK HER WHY SHE SHARES A BED WITH A MAN ABUSIVE TO HER FAMILY

Maybe you should believe her.  

And IS YOU REFUSE TO LEAVE AND YOU aren't happy IT IS YOUR OWN FAULT!!"

Oh I wanna scream!! Day and night I am haunted.  Yes.  I tried to make him leave before he killed one of us or himself.  Maybe if I were more MANIPULATIVE it wouldn't have taken TEN YEARS to get him to leave me alone!!! 

Jessalynn.  Telling me everyday for years,  You are a Bad Person for not making him LEAVE! EVERY EFFING DAY!! Then Jeremy meets Brandon.  Always wants to impress him.  Acts like a completely Different Person whenever Brandon is around until Jessalynn somehow Forgets The Guy We Were Living With while she was in Lincoln with Brandon.  The constant yelling and violence we all lived with.  Hell, EVERYONE in the house forgot as soon as I demanded he finally leave since he had a girlfriend.  Let her take care of him! Let him Abuse Her Family.  AND I'M THE BAD GUY IN THIS.  EFFing HOW???? It's like only Jami, Jeanette and Jenise haven't lost their grip on reality.  

I see them in my nightmare when I do manage to fall asleep.  Their sharp disapproval hangs over me like black,  stormy,  clouds.  

Pain.  Jeremy,  Jessalynn and Jessica just cut me deep and wide.  Every one of them without a thought.  NO ONE HERE HAS MY BACK. EVER. Jess hates me inside,  has hated me most of her life,  for outrageous crimes like asking her if she needed deodorant in front of her father.  For MAKING HER LOSE HER HOUSING even though I was there,  banging on her door,  begging her to come out and attend her meeting to Keep Her Housing. She was pure hatred the first 6 years she lived with me.  Wouldn't life a finger around the house.  Left me to do EVERYTHING until I couldn't and then we lived in absolute squalor when Jeremy"took over" cleaning and cooking and bitching and Jess did drugs and told everyone I was a cold narcissist. FOR YEARS. I was so startled when it ended that I didn't even question it.  Suddenly she's cleaning house and bringing me meals on a tray.  Honestly, the first few times,  I wondered if she was poisoning me.  But it was somehow for real. ?? No Apology,  that's OK. I'm just glad the torture is over.  I MANIPULATED her pretty good too for all those years.  Just took her abuse. And it was ABUSE. Meanness. 

I don't mention how Brandon hurt me because he didn't. All I feel for him is Hatred and amazement at his blind stupidity.  In my now very sick head I just see him on his knees in front of Jeremy taking it all. Believing every word he says.  Literally Eating It Up.  Taking to me like I am Beneath him.  Like everyone does in MY HOME but he is less than NOTHING.  

I'm supposed to be Finding My Joy.  All I have wanted for 10 years is to live In Peace living with drug addicts, psychos, an entitled teenager and another one who would rather get run over than say Hello to me. Peace. Why can't I even now MANIPULATE PEACE??!! That should be simple,  right? 

Yes. It is peaceful in a way since Jeremy finally left.  No one yelling,  punching walls,  breaking things,  stinking,  and smoking weed and coughing spitting on everyone while EVERYONE complained about him To Me.  That's over. But I am less than nothing here. Less Than.  Absolutely no one cares if I live or die except Jami here.  Not really.  They wanted Me Out and Him to be here. Oh I wish I could have given them that!! I would happily go play bingo and shuffleboard! But no.  Then my disability would go with me and they couldn't pay the bills here.  I'm useful for that all right.  I WAS SO HAPPY THE NIGHT I THOUGHT I LEFT THEM HERE WITH HIM FOREVER!! Oh they so deserve each other!!!!!! 

Venting. Venting at 4:30 am because I don't sleep. I nap a little at night. An hour. Maybe two. Until one of them invades my nightmare.  No peace. Even in sleep.  

2 days to Christmas. Such a jolly time. So happy to have lived to see this holiday season.  

"Clowns to the left of me,  

Jokers to the right,  Here I am,  

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU.  

Yea I'm stuck in the middle with you

And I'm wondering what it is I should do

It's so hard to keep the smile ON my face

Losing control! Yea, I'm all over the place."

Stealers Wheel 1972.

Joy and peace can't be real here. Everything is so phony. It's all a bad joke. 

I hope they don't choke on it.  

I feel my heart skipping beats from not sleeping. It feels terrible. Wish I could manipulate myself to sleep or at least manipulate my heart to not beat me to death. 

This Life Sucks. 

Thank you sweet family.  We all wish I wasn't  trapped here.

With Dr. Gold

This starts with two long texts I sent to my Pain Management doctor,  Dr. Gold. He changed my pain prescription, lowered it by 10 MG a day,  but since I was living through absolute Hell when I picked up my prescriptions,  I didn't notice the change and kept taking them as I normally did until I noticed I was almost out of the morphine extended release.  He had cut my morphine by 15 MG a day and added an extra 5 MG of instant release Oxycodone immediate release.  I tried using the extra oxycodone to stop withdrawal but it barely worked.  I was told that was because my body was in hard withdrawal for the morphine.  I went and saw him,  told him I hadn't noticed and told him a little about Why I hadn't noticed.  He cried with me, said he would fix it for me, and did nothing. I have his cell phone number because I am a long time VIP supposedly, so I started texting, asking, then begging, for TWO WEEKS and no response at all. What follows is how this worked out. I'm sharing with you because it tells what happened Here and is actually kinda humorous now. 

No missionaries called or anything so forget that but I have read the Bible,  the Book of Morman, The Pearl of Great Price,   the Quran, and my mother was Buddhist and whatever angle I look at what you have done to me is literally UNGODLY. I have to trust you. You tell me u will never cut meds by more than 5mg at a time but you cut mine by 15 MG then by 10 MG this time, both with No Warning.   I explain in detail WHY I didn't notice in time to save me abject misery and you compassionately say "Well, of course you didn't notice what I did! I'll fix this". And then Nothing. I'm in serious withdrawal Out Of Morphine.  I've thrown away NINE pairs of underwear,  THREE pairs of sweat pants,  and I'm supporting and caring for a family of 4 on $900 a month SSI. AND that was only about the diarrhea part of this misery. I am really hating that u display the Bible and The Book of Morman, the Pearl of Great Price in every room but act like you never learned how to treat a suffering person. Yes I know,  I have to 'Turn The Other Cheek' because we have a contract that I signed about how I would act but u didn't sign one backing any promises you make. If u would only just bother to respond to my desperate messages! It feels a whole lot like hatred and I never saw that coming. Act one way and do things another. I'm not going to quote scripture about that because you know already. It just somehow doesn't matter. 

I was in a fog for much of the last year from the permanent damage after having 3 brain bleeds after an aneurysm.  Then my beautiful brother reminded me that my brain was inconsequential,  that my Mind was still there,  with everything I needed to heal and he sent me a 100 year old book called The Secret of the Ages that teaches exactly that and much more.

I've been telling Jeremy he had to leave for Years. I didn't understand how this was going on until a granddaughter sent me a description of a low IQ Narcissist.  I have been told by some,  even some therapists, that he was a narcissist but in my mind that meant people like Donald Trump but no,  Jeremy is his own special kind whose specialty is living on pity.  And I was a perfect target.  Do you know that I washed his feet when we met to tell the story of Christ? He just saw a "sucker". 22 years of hitting a brick wall trying to get through to him because he wasn't the least bit interested in his salvation,  just what he could get out of me.   Every time he did something unspeakable,  hurt me,  hurt one of my family,  he would beg,  promise to do better,  you know the song,  and I would give the poor guy another chance. Right before the accident he punched my autistic grandson in the stomach. I was taking Jeremy to his pharmacy for his meds to take with him when I put him out when we got hit on the freeway. It was months before I even remembered what he had done.  He didn't hit his head,  but I totally believe he used my blank memory to his advantage for most of the last year. While I'm recovering he's telling any family who will listen,  mostly the grandkids, and the agoraphobic daughter, Jess, who I've taken care of all her life, how I Was actually secretly Abusing Him. Then a granddaughter who is already an adult,  sent me the low IQ Narcissist info and reminded me about Jeremy hitting Riley. We had just got the accident settlement.  When this house was put in my name only I had insisted they make a new title with him on it.  The man who I supported 22 years now owned 50% of this house and i finally saw what he Is. I'm praying about the vindictivness of this, but I started playing the long game,  playing him to pay me back for supporting him.  All of our savings was in His Name because he said it would be better with my Brain Injury.  I wanted at least half of that money for the taxes and house insurance this year. That was what I saved it for. He never even paid a bill in his life and refused to learn how, he really is clueless how to survive without a Pity Party. When he realized I was playing a game against him it turned into all out war here.  And then the kids accidently talked about him having a girlfriend that I overheard.  I started airing on The All Humiliation Network.  A few days ago he came at me smashing everything out of his way like he does and I spread my arms wide and said "Kill Me. All I want is to unite the family you have torn apart and THIS will reunite My Family. DO IT." and it stopped him in his tracks.  We were nose to nose, eye to eye,  and he knew I was right. What a glorious moment to crap my pants. The All Humiliation Network.  I was absolutely hating you in the bathroom! Bagged up my pants to mail to you. Then the title company called and said the new title was ready. I asked him in front of the family (who he still acts decent in front of) if he was going to sign the house over so the kids would inherit and he said Of Course. We left. On the way there he asked if I planned to be a f---ing bitch and throw him out after he signed. I didn't lie,  I just said "What do you think? How well do you know me?" and he went in and signed the new deed. And when we got home I told him he needed to start packing and,  he couldn't have done it on purpose but couldn't have time it better,  he had a Grand Mal seizure.  Jess and the grandchildren screamed at me WHAT DID U DO TO HIM! IM CALLING THE POLICE,  not an ambulance for him,  the police. My oldest daughter moved in when she heard I was living in his Pity Party and she's the only one besides me who has ever gotten him thru a seizure she went to him so i just stood there.  I knew he likely wouldn't die,  he has them all the time, but it was the first time i wasn't flooded with love and pity, Me, the leader of his pity party for 22 years! I knew i was free!! and it was time for one of the kids to b picked up from school so I left to get her. The police were here when I've got here. Jess actually went outside to greet them so my oldest daughter, Jami, wouldn't hear her and she was so busy trying to get Me Removed From My House that the officer didn't realize that there was a man inside needing an ambulanceat first and he was the one to call for an ambulance.  Jami got Jeremy in a safe position and when he was in the postical phase she started texting me what was going on so I walked in ready. The police knew I couldn't,  well,  likely didn't MAKE him have a seizure. Jeremy gets really upset all the time punching hold in the walls and breaking things and doesn't have a seizure.  He likely hasn't been taking his medication correctly which is usually the cause,  and the police had already told Jess she was free to leave but she couldn't have me Removed from My House for this.  I calmly told the police that we were ending a long,  abusive relationship that seems to have everyone involved but it was between Jeremy and me.  The officer asked what I wanted them to do with Jeremy who was now awake and refusing the EMT service like always. I said that he obviously shouldn't drive today and that he should go downstairs to his Man Cave and sleep it off and the police loved that, less paperwork etc for them,  and they left.  I let Jami deal with her sister while I went in the bathroom and added another set of clothing to the bag for you. Yes,  I was bitter,  yes,  I am working on that,  but I just didn't need you not even replying to my request for help with all of the Absolute Betrayal I was living on The All Humiliation Network.  Jeremy slept it off that night and when he was clear enough to whisper that I was a Fucking Whore the next day , I told him to get out.  He broke everything around him and threw Jami on the ground when she tried to stop him. Then my Jess asked if I would be offended if she helped him load his things. I said that if he couldn't carry it he didn't need it and if she really wanted to do it to load her things in there too. ( you aren't the only one pissing off a woman scorned). He left. The feeling of relief was so huge I just cried and thanked God that it Was Over. And, sorry, but when I was thru crying I texted you. No,  I don't want to throw you out,  I just want to be treated with respect by Someone. I'm so wrecked that if I go into a store and the cashier speaks kindly to me I cry. But I REFUSE to live in bitterness.  I will pray and seek help until I am whole again.  Yes,  he broke me,  but I refuse to be destroyed.  I am supposed to Be Here.  

And yes,  I started smoking cigarettes,  two packs a day! I've Never done that!! Disgusting,  making me puke,  but it was self soothing even as it was self destructive.  I have my vape again since he left but weirdly my breathing isn't more difficult.  Hallelujah. I weighed in at 119 when Jami checked yesterday but I've actually been Hungry now.  It shoots straight thru me still but I have food input. 

This is a novella.  When my last marriage ended (also weirdly 22 years) I lost almost everything so I rented a room and decided I wasn't leaving it until I could walk out with no bitterness.  I was in therapy twice a week and it took me Eight Months but I did it. I wrote our story as a comedy and mailed my ex a box of his things that my therapist asked me to burn every time I saw him. The therapist said I was done there and I went to Texas to help my mother who was dying, able to care for and sing to her while she died.  She even apologized for the abuse I grew up with.  Bonus. 

That's the story.  I hope you and I can go on.  I have loved you as a human and respected the Godly man in you for 15 years.  I would like to find that again. 

End of messages to my Pain Manager.

I feel asleep and woke to Dr. Gold calling and saw that he had already sent 4 texts begging to speak to me. I got an apology and he sent in enough Morphine to get me out of withdrawal and begged me to please not mail the crap filled clothes 😂 . 

My Brother's Glasses

 Herbert dying was the hardest thing I ever lived through. It was a total shock, I punched Steve in the face for waking me up and telling me that Herbert was dead.  I remember falling down and then just screaming and screaming until Steve called my doctor, went to a pharmacy and brought home xanax and put one in my mouth.  It took about 15 minutes and I was calm enough to start packing. 

I was in disbelief and Full of Guilt. Herbert had called me earlier and I was working at home, finishing a difficult portrait, and I told him that I had to finish and I would call him back.  It took me several hours and when I finally finished I laid down and fell asleep.  

Steve told me that he died in the car I gave him in mom's garage from exhaust inhalation.  I was frantic, I called Mike and screamed"Was it suicide?!" And Mike said,  "Slow down! Listen,  I don't think it was suicide.  Just get down here and we will figure this out." 

I was on the next flight to Houston. Mike picked me up and we went to mom's house and grilled her about what happened.  What was her last conversation with him? How did she find him? WHAT DID THE CORONER DAY? She told the story.  She said that the last time she had talked to him that he had knocked on her bedroom door and was holding a piece of bread and asked for a little peanut butter.  That broke my heart!! I knew she hated that we made her take him in and now I know she hid all the food in her room and he had to beg for a little peanut butter.  That makes me cry still. 

I don't want to go through this in detail.  I know I have in long handwritten journals and maybe I will here later but for now,  Mike said that the key in the car was OFF and it still had a quarter tank of gas.  Mike had talked to the coroner who said that he had never seen that in a suicide which gave us a little peace.  From talking to Mom we were fairly sure that Herbert had gone out to the garage to listen to the radio in the car,  his escape,  and we thought maybe our mother had closed the big garage door.  I still think that is very possible and how that at that moment she didn't realize she was killing him.  The car was no longer really road worthy but Herbert used it for this and would have started it for a while when he did to keep the battery charged.  For years I tried to imagine that he peacefully drifted off and died in his sleep. 

Mike shook my whole world when he called to tell me about our brother's glasses.  Mike picked up Herbert's glasses in mom's garage and took them home and put them on a shelf.  Much later he picked them up and just kind of automatically held them up to the light.  He said that they were full of tears, that it was obvious that Herbert had cried long and hard,  head down, before he died. Whether he killed himself or not,  he died crying.  That was a million sword through my soul.  I didn't think I could hold the pain!! We both cried through the phone.  Mike had to tell me because he was going to release a song he had written called "My Brother's Glasses". 

I had to get off the phone.  Was this too much?? I was already in so much pain I wanted to die.  Oddly, my only comfort had been Jeanette saying that my suffering through Jeremy for 22 years had not been a test by God but was a punishment.  Right or wrong,  I needed so badly to hear that!! So many nights I have cried to God "IF THIS IS A TEST I AM FAILING!! PLEASE HELP ME!!" And I would try to be a little more patient with Jeremy,  a little more tolerant of his constant anger and abuse. But what Jeanette said rang true.  She said my life has run in 22 year cycles of punishment and I am 66. I don't think She had even done the math that 66 divided by 3 is 22. I was growing up abused in every way,  then with Steve 22 years,  and then 22 years with Jeremy.  She says it's over and in pretty sure I don't have another 22 years in me!! But I hope part of that punishment was for This Life,  for not stopping work and talking to Herbert when he called,  and for that I would live through a dozen Steve's,  Herbert's,  and all the rapists of my childhood and fell secure that I deserve the pain.  Yes,  Jessalynn wounded me pretty badly but that is totally wrapped up with Jeremy. Barely important any more.  

My brother,  Herbert James Kiser,  has more heart than anyone I've ever known. A after he died he materialized in one of my dreams with that huge smile, walking up to me.  I said "Gore are you here? You died!" And he said,  "I know,  and I can't stay! Just give me a hug" and he vanished while I hugged him.  I KNOW he forgave me. I just never figured out how to forgive myself.  I know I have to in order to move on. Jeanette will help me.  She IS my guide now, I am sure of that ❣️

New World Order

 I feel like my world has been hijacked. I was the proud matriarch of my family taking care of everyone.  Then I became the pitiful, delusional old woman. So weird.  Jeremy does something Wrong that cuts wide and deep and my household rallies around him, defending him, like,  What the hell did I dare expect in my old age? The age difference did become more important over the years so I would ask him over and over Is this still what you want? Tell him, Maybe you should go, find someone you're own age and start a family? and the answer was always No, I love You.  

(Maybe the real answer was No, I don't have to work or anything here! Just keep taking care of me.)

But he hurts me and I tell him to leave and they say, What the hell? He can't take care of himself! We Love him!

Funny thing there,  every one of them has complained about him being with us almost daily since he got here 20 years ago.  My granddaughter,  Jessalynn, told me Every Day for years that I would get rid of him if I cared about my family.  She is one of his biggest defenders now! But I couldn't make him leave.  I had vowed to take care of him. Even thought it was my God Given Duty. I defended him,  apologized for him,  was always trying to make peace for him.  I felt Sorry For Him. And loved him even when I couldn't Like him.  

Many nights, at my wits end,  I would pray,  Dear God! If this is a test I AM FAILING! and I feared that failure. What if failing condemned me to hell?? Give me strength,  Give me wisdom,  please help me help him!

Then this.  I have a few family that are "on my side", who defend me and hurt for me. Jami, Jeanette,  her daughter Jenise and her husband Phillip. It means everything to me but I am still stunned that they are all I have.  

When we got our settlement money I asked him again,  Do you want to go start a new life? We can split this money and go out separate ways. He emphatically said No. The house we bought was accidentally put in only my name.  I paid another $500 to fix the title with Both our names.  

I can't have sexual relations with himeven if i wanted to and that is long gone.   I told him that if he needed sex he could find a prostitute or sex partner but that he has to leave if he wanted a different "girl friend", (and a 66 year old woman can still have sex but he was extremely rough, hurt me all the time), so this had to end with him but also, I told him At The Time,  10 years ago! that no one would/ could ever ask me "How do u crawl in bed with a man Abusing your family?" 

Then he gets a girlfriend. Everyone in my house knows because he is so into her that he is constantly texting her and taking and sending selfies. Even sitting right next to me.  I'm not noticing because I am trusting that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me swearing that he loved me. But Jess and the 2 grandchildren who live with me are fully aware. When they finally tell me they Say they are"disgusted" until I tell them that this is a Deal Breaker. I want him to leave. Then somehow I became the Bad Guy.  The pitiful one. Poor mistreated Jeremy. Stupid old woman! thinking he loves her! They don't know and don't care that he's steadfast been telling me that he Loves me!! 

When he wouldn't leave I realized that I could leave!! He had the only legal, running car and our $10,000 savings.  I left in the car.  Told him that he could keep the money,  the house,  the van (that could be fixed for a few hundred dollars and the other older car that I can't drive,  and the family in the house who wanted him.)  I was whooping with glee as I drove away!! FREE!! But the next day I picked up one of the kids and gave her a ride to the house and when I pulled up Jeremy yanked the passenger door open and grabbed the keys. I begged him not to leave me stranded there.  All my medicine was at Jeanette's. Brandon was there who Jeremy wanted to look like the Good Guy in front of so he agreed to let me use the car to go get my medicine.  I did and when I got back he was outside waiting.  (WHY IS THE HELL DID I KEEP MY WORD AND GO BACK??) I tried to walk in the house and he yelled I want the keys so I turned and threw them to him and went in the house full of people who I didn't want who didn't want me and shut myself in my room. Brandon came to me and,  speaking to me like I was a senile, vindictive person said "OK, Grandma,  you SAY you want him to leave so tell me where you hid the keys" I was unbelievably offended but I went outside and reenact the throw. They looked and the keys were there. They had slid under the van but it was obvious that I had thrown them exactly like I said I did. No apology from Brandon or Jeremy.  I went back to my room that I had hoped to never be in again.  With the hateful family I never wanted to be with again.  And BTW, Jeremy had another set of keys in his pocket that he could have used.  

Oh, the update gets even better! It was Thanksgiving and Jessalynn and Brandon came for dinner.  I had thought long and hard about how to let Brandon know that he had really hurt my feelings.  I know I didn't believe that he could have understood how badly that hurt me,  that he would have taken the time for a kind word before he left that night if he knew.  It felt wrong right off the bat. I thought he looked defiant but didn't see how that could possibly be accurate.  I'd bet didn't know he had hurt me so why would he be looking ready to defend himself? I found out why.  I said "Brandon,  I'm not senile and,  I know you don't really know me,  but I don't play games.  That last night when you accused me of hiding the keys I went outside and showed that I had done exactly what I said I did with his keys" and he said,  "Well,  how were we supposed to know that they slid under the van?" I said Yes, but they did and them being there proved that I want lying,  didn't it? Then he really flared,  said that he had nothing to apologize for and started retelling how that whole night went down.  How he was asleep when it started,  even mentioned what he had been dreaming about (?) and that he did nothing wrong and I would never get an apology.  I said I wasn't really expecting an apology,  you might expect an apology for something intentionally done to you, but I had thought that he just had no clue that he hurt me.  Wrong.  The HATE in his face was so clear that I was stunned that I hadn't expected it at all.  It went on to him telling me that all I do is manipulate everyone around me,  especially Poor Jeremy.  I asked "Ate you calling me a manipulative bitch??" and he replied, "I didn't 'say' the word 'bitch', did I?" 

I finally saw the punk ass he is.  The smugness.  How two- faced he has been.  I almost pitied Jessalynn except for a suspicion that they deserve each other.  

Jeremy was there by then,  looking helpless but thrilled that Brandon was still defending him not even realizing that Brandon was putting him down,  too,  labeling him the poor, manipulated puppet too stupid to See Through me.  The man I have literally Done Everything for no matter what despicable thing he did to me or mine.  I have no clue how that was supposed to be me manipulating Jeremy!! If I could have manipulated Jeremy I would have made him get a job or at least pick up after himself.  OR JUST LEAVE!!

I left after that.  Jami had pulled up,  damn it was wonderful to see someone not glaring at me! 

I had already made plans to not spend Thanksgiving here with this part of the "family" so I grabbed the bag I had packed and took Jami to Jeanette's. Jeremy texted later that Jessalynn and Brandon were going back to Lincoln.  I was sitting outside in the car at Jeanette's crying,  having my own little pity party,  no, actually grieving for losing things that I never had.  I never wanted to go "home" but.... then defiance hit.  I WANTED to go to where I want wanted.  Where I pay all the bills.  

Everyone,  including me,  has been upset that Jami got their shared dog when Mike Watson went to jail.  I'm terrified of big dogs, Jess is terrified of them for Nova,  and everyone else here is just hateful so I told Jami that she And her dog were welcome to go home with me.  We came here and set up a kennel for Adamay and spent the night here,  damn all of them. (We had to kennel Adamay because Jeremy's cat attacks dogs). 

I sat outside in the cold that night thinking that it was more comfortable than being in the house but it was below freezing and freezing wasn't feeling like a comfortable way to die. 

You wanna see a manipulative bitch? How about a vindictive manipulative bitch???

No.  I'm going to LIVE. 

Oh and FUCK YOU BRANDON. 

Sadness

 I'm hurting. It feels like I have waited forever for Jeremy to be happy. I've known he probably should leave me to be happy for a long time. I've told him many many times that he should go find a different life for himself since ha has been so miserable with us. And now he is leaving and leaving so slowly after stripping me off my dignity, humiliating me, and he is pulling this bandaid off so very slowly.  He hasbeen a part of our lives for over 2 decades. I'm going to miss him and be glad he's gone. He's between miserable too live with. Always angry, mean, keeping me always vigilant to the sound of him kissing his temper with the kids or Jess or anyone around us. It has been awful.  I will miss the little times when he could be sweet but I can't and shouldn't only remember those rare times like people do when someone dies.  It really hurts to think of good times because they were so very rare.  I haven't seen him happy in years. Watching him gleefully texting with his girlfriend hit hard. 

He really is so ignorant and helpless.  Maybe taking care of him all these years made hem weaker?? He's lazy. Doesn't do anything he doesn't have to.  So he's never learned to take care of himself.  He really does NOTHING day after day. On his phone or playing video games all day and night.  Walks Nova once a day. Sometimes takes the trash out on Fridays. Drives Jazz to school. Yells and curses about everything and everyone. 

Why are we going to miss him?? For years I have taken constant complaints from everyone about him and everyone is heartbroken that he is leaving, even me. If there was a way he could stay I would let him but there just isn't. Not worth the way this has gone. Not with the way he treated or relationship.  Honesty would have helped, would have made a world of difference. 

A FEW MONTHS LATER FOOTNOTE:

I haven't missed him for a single minute. I had a couple of almost minutes but always realized that I was just missing the guy I met who hasn't been around for years. I stopped having nightmares where he is yelling at me,  not a single one since he left, and they were at least weekly the year before.  If he is in a dream or nightmare at all he is there as a bystander and MUTE. It's beautiful.  A at least this controlling bitch can control her nightmares 🤣😂🤣.

Ill

 ...some kind of infection has me.  Feel terrible. Not surprising.  I haven't lived with this much anxiety and turmoil in a long time.  I so hate this!! 

I know I don't have long to live but I seem to be just occupying space. No purpose. I'm here so my disability comes in and keeps up the household. That's it.  I do close to nothing every day.  Limbo.  Waiting to die,  afraid to die, anxious to die,  it has to be about death because I am no longer living.  

I remember feeling like I had Purpose.  Like I, the person, was needed and accomplishing things.  Now I am nothing.  I am old stories that everyone knows or will never know, the secrets we die with. I'm not going to cure cancer, save the planet or influence anyone in any way.  I am both dying and already dead. 

No wonder I am so alone. 

FOOTNOTE: Ach!! This is so sappy! I must have Really Been Sick!!! Glad I got over whatever this was!!!!!!

Not Feeling Damned

My Jeanette is BACK. She is in the best mental place I have seen her in for 10 years.  And she really helped me the other day. 

I'm so low, this break up is killing me and one of the worst parts was feeling like I failed.  I've often felt like Jeremy was a test of my spirit and faith. I've often prayed,  "Dear God,  if this is a test I am going to fail!! Please tell me it is not"

I told Jeanette about that and she said, "Jeremy isn't,  wasn't,  a test for you! He was your punishment for really Bad things in a past life" and bells and whistles went off in my head.  Could she be right?? I didn't Fail,  but I finished my punishment????? It feels wonderful to contemplate!!!!

Ok. I need him gone.  And to hear from Jami.  

I'm gonna make it. 

Jeremy still here

...with no real plans to leave.  No care for anything I want or need.  Most of the time it feels like No One really cares except Jenise. Not really.  

Besides feeling heartbroken and humiliated,  I'm afraid about how long I have been sick,  vomiting every day,  exhausted,  in pain everywhere.  I'm terrified for my country,  the country I will leave my family in when I die.  

I don't know if I am afraid of death.  Not more than any one else.  Death is inevitable but still a shock when given a death sentence.  I've had several in my life but only the last year or so feel that it is likely imminent.  I have a Dr appointment in 9 days with Jeanette's Dr. Lynn Jeffrey. I might try to get a sooner appointment for a couple of things really worrying me.  

I hate the way Kira treats me when I say I CAN'T do things.  If I say I am too ill she says "You are always sick" and I'm sure it seems that way.  I'm 66 with failing health.  I get that.  She often acts like I must not care what she wants to do.  Like today.  She is upset I say I am not up to taking her clothes shopping.  I told her that Jeremy could take her (her "grandpa" these days but she doesn't want to do that because he can't drive freeways and it's a half hour ride going through town.  It's definitely not that she doesn't care what others feel.  She feels plenty about poor Jeremy.  It's me.  Never good enough.  Never doing enough. Always letting her down.  Sometimes it really makes me wish I was already dead. 

One thing I fear about death is the feeling that I have failed in this life and will be doomed to repeat it.  Many times I have prayed for guidance about Jeremy,  telling God that if Jeremy in my life is some kind of test I am failing it.  Most of the time it feels like he is a punishment making me wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this and will this lifetime be enough punishment for whatever I did in the past?  Frightening.  

I am so alone.  

Jeremy back in the house

 Yes.  When I agreed to let him come it was supposed to be until he could arrange to go to

 Missouri or at least get his own place.  Then I hear him tell Jess he'd like us to have pecan pie for Thanksgiving.  He's unpacking.  He's sitting on the porch outside my bedtime window smoking weed and blaring his music.  I'm sitting on the sled on the back deck because all of the chairs or here are wet. 

Being depressed about the election doesn't help!! 

I can't see anything but how mean and abusive he has been.  How he has survived 22 years playing on my sympathy.  His One Skill.  Stupid as a rock but idiot savant playing on people's sympathy.  He has Jess and the girls completely snowed still. I think I just want to die but before I die I want this loyal family to SEE who they have backed.  For years I listen to complaints about him,  they always tell ME and expect me to confront him for them because it's my fault he has been here and because they never wanted to deal with the task of confronting him. Now,  when I finally Agree with them and tell him it's over I AM THE BAD GUY.  POOR JEREMY.  I need to leave them in his care before I die!! If they are truly happy I will stay gone.  I may stay gone even if they remember how miserable he is to be around.  

I will pay the taxes on the house with the portion of our savings Jeremy so generously shared with me,  get my van fixed,  and leave.  I just have to decide where to go.  I will only have my $800 SSI. The ADC for Kira,  which I haven't received since buying this house,  will end and probably the guardianship pay I get for Jazz, too. Jess can probably claim the $300 ADC for Kira but the guardianship will end.  They can try to survive on Jeremy's SSI. I supported all of us for years on less than he gets.  

But where to go? I have temporary places to go for immediately but I might need more,  somewhere permanent if I don't die soon enough.  I'm going to look into nursing homes.  I know I qualify but I don't know how good a place I can get into with only $800 SSI. If Steve does before me I will get more but I'm pretty sure he is healthier than me!! Definitely happier so I guess he wins the divorce! Funny,  I always thought I "won" because I ended up with the kids and grandchildren.  Silly me. Wait,  I do end up with Jeanette and Jenise and Phillip!!! and that really cancels out what I lose.  Funny.  I've really helped them the Least.  And they are loyal.  It helps that Jeremy's Pity Party doesn't fool them but maybe I win just because they actually love me.  

I so much wish Mom and Herbert were still alive! But I have to believe they are waiting for me on the other side or I will go insane.  And my Obi. Unconditional Love.  

I have Jami,  too, even though she is mad at me right now.  I've never thought this family would take care of her after I'm gone. I will take her with me if I can if that's still what she wants. 

I'm going to have to figure out how to be a little selfish. I can't be selfish like Jeremy is, I pray I don't even have that in me! but I need to turn off the feeling like I have to take care of everyone else.  

  

Post election

 Already battling depression,  today I woke to the new that this remarkably ignorant country elected Donald Trump president AGAIN.  The first time I thought maybe it was the peoples way of saying they just wanted a change of how the government was run.  That was how I accepted it then. Now,  I have no words,  no defence for the over 50% of citizens who elected him AGAIN.  A CONVICTED FELON.  A WOMANIZER.   I hear that men think he is"macho". I know that women like me poured out to vote against him.  Were there not enough women? And the races of people he is prejudiced against? I do not understand. 

I am ashamed of America. 

Invisible

 I am. No one sees or cares that I am in pain.  It is literally all Poor Jeremy.  I put 22 years into whatever our relationship was.  22 years of taking care of him.

FOOTNOTE: I get over this...

Gone

 It's always odd dealing with Major Change, when your world is altered. There isn't a lot to miss with Jeremy leaving because he's just sat on the couch for the last 2 years.  Now old habits need to be broken.  I still glance at where he sat on this couch when I walk by and am surprised that he isn't there.  It's not so much missing him but it can feel like something is missing from the old picture.  Like How long will that be thought of as His spot.  He's been with us 22 years. 

I might start feeling pity for him,  a lingering habit like checking his spot,  but I turn it off when it first starts.  Yes, he is pity worthy.  Most of his screw ups are brain damage. Not that he is always unaware of what he does and  says that is is bad or wrong.  He never admits to anything but his face will show his guilt. Like when he lays hands on people, strikes a child. Often in those moments some part of him believes that he has the Right to do whatever he does but he is very aware that there will be consequences.  If anyone saw it and I am not there,  he will begin begging them not to tell me about it.  

He is in his late 40s but behavior like that sounds like I am talking about a child of mine.  Don't tell Mom!! 

If I am there or find out later, he always starts with a denial. I didn't see what i say I saw. It was an accident. He were just playing. Then he starts giving his Reasons for Hitting, Pushing, Pointing a Knife, wrecking the car. Then it is someone else's fault if it happened at all. 

Update:

What he did was called "gaslighting"                       I just learned that term. 

Its not worth it

 I started my life completely over after Steve 23 years ago. I don't see that happening again. I Do have more support this time, Jenise, Jeanette, Jami and Phillip and a few friends. I really thought I'd  have more. 

I so very much wish Jeremy has taken the offer I made. It doesn't really make sense that he refused the house.  It felt like he was just taking what I wanted and needed. Plus his attachment to the car he doesn't take care of.  

I HATE everything about being back here.  The atmosphere feels deadly to anyone with feelings. I'm talked to like a altzheimer old lady or a small child if I'm talked to at all.  Not like the person who has always taken care of everything and every one. When Brandon was helping Jeremy load his car they asked where the keys were and I said that I threw them by the car. Then Brandon came to my room and, looking at me like I was the naughty child he was about to accuse me of being, he said, "Now Grandma. You Say you want him to leave, so just tell me where you hid the keys". I got up, went outside, and there they were. They had slid or got kicked under the van but they were there for anyone looking for them. No apology. Brandon left after Jeremy and really I hope I never see him again. Being worthy of an apology after being accused like that would have helped but just the Tone wouldn't have been forgiven. Not now. Not ever.

I feel Raw like I'm covered in road rash. 

Am I going to keep paying the bills Here and taking care of them? Funny, Jess came out and patted me on the shoulder and said, "Don't worry. I want you to know that I will always take care of you". No One Even Realizes That I Am Taking Care Of Them. Jeremy did a little driving and took out the trash when he remembered,  but Nothing else and has no clue that I've been taking care of him for 22 years. But I actually thought the others Knew.  For a little over a year Jess started keeping the house decent and cooking. I praise her Every Single Day. We lived in abject filth for years after I couldn't do it all any more. But Jess can't drive or take care of any kind of business that requires talking to, dealing with, other people. They all still need someone for those things. Jeremy refused to step up and take this house with those responsibilities.  Who will do it? And if I continue, what happens to them when I die? I've tried to keep going until the girls could take over but they are young and So Not Ready or Capable. 

But I don't feel like I am fighting death any more.  This last week makes that feel pointless and not worth the pain. 

Jess after Jeremy

 Here's another one who I will think I have figured her out and then realize I know nothing.  I know she got some very delusional thinking when she was using much like Jami has that I found out is sadly true about a lot of drug addicts. They can create and believe"facts" about their family that help them explain to themselves how they ended up and addict etc. Jess got to where I think she questioned her version but maybe she just stopped voicing it.  When Jeremy and I started arguing loudly she told me with sincere tears in her eyes that it gave her flashbacks to Steve and me fighting all the time.  I told Nett and Jami thinking maybe I was the one who didn't remember but both were shocked. It just wasn't like that.  Yes, we fought bitterly at the end but the kids were out of the house.  Growing up Nett and Jami remember one night of arguing loudly.  I yell a lot but Steve? He barely yells if he's on fire.  It was NOTHING like living with Jeremy.  

Then last night I tried to talk to Jess,  I made a little self deprecating joke and smiled as I did meaning to show that I saw the humor,  that I could and did laugh at myself,  and she looked all concerned,  spoke in the gentle tone for dealing with crazy people and asked, "Why are you smiling like that? You're scaring me"

Granted, I'm drowning in 50 shaded of sorrow, I couldn't see my face,  the smile likely looked as forced as it was, I think anyone else would have seen it as an effort,  not as a sign of insanity. That and the triggered flashback are Very Concerning. She really is of her rocker sometimes. Usually she is a cute,  childlike nutty, but I can't stand the acting like she is actually the only Sane one. Even when I am crazy blowing up and freaking out I can make a phone call without having a panic attack.  I double check my reality with others experiencing it to make sure I am on track.  We are all crazy in some way,  that's why we were instructed not to throw the first stone and to worry about the moat in our own eye. Unbelievable how many go through life without even knowing what those 2 things mean. 

Jeremy gone

 He left last night.  He HAD to go,  I've known that,  been advised that, for years, but I'm me. Just couldn't throw in the towel.  I do hate failure! I'm glad sometimes that my memory is going so fast, I can't look at my life and compare how many failures vs success,  I don't remember enough of either! I just hope my whole life hasn't been a failure. I hope there is more than that to my legacy. 

I was wondering how many of my goals in life were accomplished and realized that I can't even remember what they were! I'll see it crystal clear on Judgement Day. I guess I'll spend what I have left working to not end up in Hell for whatever I've done or not done. I don't even understand why Jeremy left the way he did.  I tried to give him the house and the van he had the money to fix it and he absolutely refused,  wanted his car. ? Maybe it was that the house came with the responsibility of taking care of the kids and Jess?? I understand very little of what he's done and said. Or maybe he just wanted the car because i wanted it.   

It's just a sad story. 

FOOTNOTE: He just wanted the car because I wanted it.  He did want to stay and have me leave and now he is like a lost soul.  He started texting me,  sounds so weird!! Like he is definitely trying to be a different person but talks to me like I haven't met him.  It is pitiful,  would be if I had pity left for him! 

This Home

 Sometimes I can't believe this is my house.  Our house. We own it and it is Wonderful. I can't feel it a lot of the time like when I think of Jeanette's situation. Then I feel something like guilt.  And Jeremy doesn't seem to feel anything about owning this house. This Home. But it is truly wonderful! No more worries about being homeless or how my girls and grandchildren will survive after I'm gone.  They have a home.  

Sometimes it feels like it's not real,  like I'm trespassing here and then I realize it's our home and I feel something like Awe.

We have a home.

Parotidectomy

 I had my surgery on the 16th and spent one night in the hospital.  It's the 23rd now and the incision is infected,  started antibiotics yesterday and feel better today. This has been a gruesome recovery!! I never want to do anything like this again! The pain has been unbelievable but I think a lot of that is because it got infected.  The drain was removed on the 23rd, that was fun! and it is leaking now because it's infected. Pretty gross!

I really wish I hadn't scheduled the surgery when school was starting - that made everything a lot harder.  It feels like I've been on the run ever since I got out of surgery. No rest. 

I gotta quiet about this somewhere. 

Jami was arrested and Dave and I went to her hearing right after my surgery so I had that drain tube coming out of the side of my neck.  We were sitting in the waiting area outside the court room and everyone was trying to not state at my drain tube full of blood.  Dave started craving jokes,  I wish I could remember them!! All about how every one was wishing they had a sexy drain tube like mine. I couldn't stop laughing because he wouldn't do popping off with different jokes about it.  He was just amazing.  I was still in treatung pain and scared we wouldn't get Jami out of jail but for that time waiting for court I felt no pain or worry. And then we went in and won Jami's freedom and sitting behind her with my sexy drain tube definitely helped her case!!!! 

Thank you Dave❣️

Jeremy the Father

 I just saw a collection of paintings by a Ukranian artist known as Soosh about fatherhood and was so very touched that every one of them made me think of Jeremy with the grandkids growing up, especially when they were little. He does suck with older kids but I don't think he yet receives any of the credit he is due for his early care from the kids and definitely not from me and the other adults in our family.  I feel ashamed of that and will start correcting that thinking right now. Maybe I can figure out how to copy and paste those paintings here.

See the tiny tea cup?

Every one of these bring back a memory of Jeremy with the kids. The paintings are of a father daughter relationship but I see the boys in some of them, too. 

Worlds of Fun

 Jeremy and I took Jasmine,  Kira, Shy and Riley to WOF and 2 of Kiras friends met us there and no one took a single picture or bought a souvenir!! The kids say they had a good time but I'm not sure. Jeremy was stingy with spending money and just Not Into It or something which kept me on edge the whole time afraid he would say/do mean/wrong things. It's always like that but felt amplified on "vacation". 

We stayed at a nice Best Western right across the street. The hotel was nice but we really should have got 3 rooms. I thought 2 kids could room with us but only Riley could stand the odor and, being the only boy he really didn't have a choice.  

I had really stressed about leaving Jess alone but she LOVED having us gone! until the last night when a huge storm hit Omaha knocking out the power. Morr than 200,000 homes were without power! She heard a tornado coming but was scared to take Nova in the basement with Katana down there!! I found out she would rather die with Nova than face Katana in the basement!! Fortunately the tornado missed them but we definitely need a Plan B there. 

Jami arrested again

Jami was picked up for back child support on the 8th, the day after Lindsey had court, should have seen this coming!! 

I can't get her out yet. Her bond is a nonrefundable $3000 and that would really hurt us right now. But she is as comfortable as possible in there.  Sarpy County has made some drastic improvements to their system,  the biggest one is continuing Jami's methadone so at least she isn't suffering that!

July 1, 2024

 If course I can't just be happy. Something has to be terrible.  Jeremy is maybe leaving,  which isn't exactly terrible, but I think he is asking to be pushed out. There are plenty of reasons to. He does practically nothing to contribute and is just mean, stingy,  demanding and really obnoxious. Add to that his sincere belief that he is actually better than everyone else and you wonder Why the hell is he here anyway???? Then that pity thing sneaks in. Picturing him homeless and dying out in the Real World and BINGO I am stuck with him agajn.

Ghost or Alien??

I finally had me my paranormal experience! Or something. I was on the porch and saw someone peeking around the curtain from inside mtmy room. I was the only one awake in the house.  I ran inside to my room and there was no one in there! I saw a black circle eye and half a face that quickly moved away when I looked at it. I have waited forever for this but am now disappointed in my visitor because I don't feel a haunting presence at all in my room. So I started thinking maybe it was an alien passing through?? I've wanted very much to see that too! 

But last night I heard a ruckus across my room and then Catnis came tearing across my bed looking frightened and she just ran across me and then hid under the bed. The litter box was knocked over and the stack of things I haven't unpacked was scattered all over. I thought Catnis did it all in her little fright but when I was telling Jami all of this she suggested that maybe Catnis didn't do it and whatever Did make the mess must have scared her. Interesting theory! 

I hope to have another visit but hope whatever it was is friendly. ?

Loki better?

Loki seems better but I still Worry. She finished one antibiotic,  still has a few days of clav amox,  I give less appetite stimulant,  and she is alert and getting around but still feels warm to me.  I guess I can stick a thermometer up her butt but I'm afraid to. Oh yea, my biggest worry is it looks like she has black poo which could be discolored from all the meds or could be internal bleeding From the meds... worry worry worry!! I've spent nearly $2,000 saving her so far! Really don't think we can afford more.

I've also been sad that Hannah has been messaging saying she is homeless.  I asked Jess and she said NO and I really can't divide our home! Jeremy said yes but he hesitated a lot, only said Yes for me but I think he was relieved Jess vetoed it. 

Jenise missed 2 days of her nursing school and will have to start over!! I'm afraid to tell Jeremy, don't want to deal with his reaction on top of my own, but that was $500 just thrown away!! Maybe I should have helped less, "they" say that people appreciate most what they have to work for!! I don't think Jenise even had a clue how upset I am. 

What else...

A cute thing. Yesterday when I called downstairs to wake Jami for clinic I said "Jami" pause, "Sweeteart" like I used to on the farm. When I said her name she said "Yes?" and after the "Sweeteart" she repeated the "Yes" in her excited little girl voice 😄 

That really started my day right❣️

Loki sick

Loki went in the hospital Saturdsy night, spent 2 nights and came home last night. Her temp was 106° when she got there!!:The feline leukemia makes wvery illness terrifying but it was a bad UTI that didn't respond to antibiotics and barely responded to a second one. Last night her fever was down but she still wasn't eating even taking an appetite stimulant but we couldn't really afford another night and the very agreed she might actually do better at home. She ate a "num num" last night, then 2 more and today she's eaten almost a whole little can of fancy feast! 😃 

She is still frighteningly weak but I have hope ❤️ and yes, I spent a crazy amount of money to save her! I just feel I cannot lose another one!! Losing Obi is still a very painful wound. 

HAPPY. What is this strange feeling??

It's been so long I didn't recognize the feeling at first!! The last time I was Happy with my life was when Jeremy built our teepee in Texas. Maybe 22 years ago? 

I'm happy with our New Home,  our New Life, our new Possibilities, EVERYTHING. 

And I Know I won't live much longer to enjoy this but that is part of the Joy. I will leave this life to the people I love. I will leave them SAFE. That is all I have prayed for❣️

I'm living an answered prayer and it is Wonderful! For years I have pondered how to make sure Jess and Jeremy never ended up homeless.  I did it,  grace of God.

Almost lost Jeanette!

This was way too close of a call! Yesterday Riley and Robbie called me, only said "We need you here right now!! Please! It's Mom"

I was already headed out the door before they said that. I went with Nett for cervical surgery 2 weeks ago. They said she was bleeding - I got there and she was hemorrhaging. It took a minute to get her to come with me. Robby had started to dial 911 but Nett told him to hang up. (He will Never not call again!) There was blood every where like someone had been murdered and dismembered. Nett kept trying to clean the mess, pretty much had to drag her out. Took her to Lakeside ER. The surgeon said that her surgery had opened and that an artery was pumping her blood out! She was bleeding out, already lost over 2 pints of blood before they got her into surgery. Terrifying!!! She is home now. Weak but Thank God Alive!!!! Last night I fell asleep saying "Oh my God I ALMOST LOST JEANETTE!" Over and over. 

I prayed over her in the ER. One of those rare prayers that I KNEW I was heard and she was covered in a white protecting light. 

Thank You God and Jesus our Savior ❣️

Is there another shoe?

It feels so foreign.  I feel Happy. Like content. I'm still waiting for the other show to drop. I'm still me.  I thought the plumbing was The Shoe. Figured that out for now.  Thought it was th AC. Figured that out for now.  It still could be one or both of us losing SSI, but will figure that out, too, if it happens.

We Have A Home. After the first of next month when Jenise and Phillip get their place we will ALL actually be in good homes with Real Hope. 

We still have troubles. We have 5 teenagers in crisis to get to adulthood.  Jami is going to the methadone clinic but still seeing Watson and doing meth, being tough to live with.  But overall, Huge Improvement for the Ketterman/Laughary household. 

Jessalynn and Brandon Graduate College

So unbelievably proud of our Jessalynn Fitzgerald and Brandon Fisher❣️  Jeremy, Jasmine, Jessica,  Jenise,  Phillip and I went to their graduation from UNL today. It feels so privileged to just know them, be a part a their lives!!  It was so exciting to be there and to think of their lives leading to this moment. They still in high-school when we met Brandon but he very quickly became family even as Jlynn was sure that Brandon was going to hate Jeremy like she did.  Surprise! They drew our family closet coming for "Game Night" every week until they left for college.

I've known Jessalynn since the day she was born. OMG adorable! I didn't see her much her first couple of years because I was in Texas with Mom, but when I first brought Jeremy to Omaha Jessalynn was 2 and totally stole my heart. We were staying at a hotel with a king size bed and Pat set her on the bed across from where I was standing and as he apologized for how shy she was she rolled across the bed towards me landing with her head in my lap gigglings.

 

FOOTNOTE: NOT!!!

I call BULLSHIT. 

3419 Curtis Avenue

I'm starting to realize that I feel secure and happy.  Two things I've seldom felt and maybe I've never felt both together. 

It's peaceful here, too. Sitting on the deck hearing insects and a couple of dogs barking. A car going my by. No yelling. No loud music or voices. A sky full of stars inside the ring of towering trees around us. 

Home.

Settlements

We got our settlements from the accident last week 🙂 and we bought 2 vehicles and a house! 

Lee died last night

This one was hardest on Jess but painful for all of us. Lee didn't really belong to any one . Of us but he was just sweet and loving to everyone. It was probably leukemia.  He was in liver failure by the time I got him to a vet so I had him put down. He was in my lap sitting in the exact place in the same room I lost Obi in. That made it harder! and felt too familiar too soon. I wish we didn't have Any more pets!!!!

I wrote earlier wondering about humans grief at death. Some people say they get kids pets to help them deal with this loss. I call Bullshit. It is all just pain no matter what your Afterlife belief is. 

Jenise & Phillip engaged 3/11/24

They wanted to take me out to dinner and  I feel dumb that I had no clue! but it made the surprise sweeter. Phillip asked for Jenise's hand and I was just thrilled!!!

No, they haven't known each other long but they know they make each other happy and they are smart enough to grab that. 

Jenise is such a glowing bright spot in my life and I just want everything wonderful for her. 

just grumpy

Come on shake it off!! Not even sure why, just feel grumpy.

today

Jami is back with us. Jeremy is having a terrible time with it but otherwise it's OK. She has been going to the methadone clinic every day and isn't seeing Mike W so I am able to enjoy her.

Jeremy gates this but he seems to hate everything. I know this makes him more miserable but I honestly have no idea what could make him happy. Everyone is worried about him but I don't know how to help him. 

Money(un)wise

I am realizing a huge regret, my attitude towards money. I think it started after my father died when my mother became Head of the Household and it became a huge part of my rebellion against her. Money was so important to her which is understandable with her living through WWII in Japan. She didn't talk a lot about her family but often mentioned how her father had saved from a meager income to put his 4 daughters through college. I don't think she really had any idea of the poverty my father came from. Americans probably all seemed well off, the Great American Dream etc. I remember being poor when I was very young even at one point living in Aunt Johnny's basement.  Then Daddy made his fake college resume and began working as an engineer first at Vandenberg AFB and then NASA when the call for all Geeks went out to put man on the moon. When we moved to Houston he bought his first home,  a brand new 4 bedroom ranch style house in Sagemont. He couldn't get homeowners insurance because he had Childhood Arthritis.  I remember a lot of talk about that and then he died at 38 years old 2 years later. Mom had to sell the big house and bought a much smaller one in the Beverly Hills subdivision which is an old mostly middle class area and Mom had to get a job. Her pharmaceutical degree was barely acknowledged in the US so she started with a fairly menial job at Merit Pharmaceutical. 

My older brothers were a big influence on my attitude towards Mom and her attitude towards money. We accused her of only caring about money and there was some truth to that but, again, she definitely had her reasons to be the way she was. 

The stupid part I am realizing is how I let it effect my whole life and the life of my family.  I took a firm stand against the love of money very young and then embraced it for a life of poverty.  WHY? I've always been a proud Giving Person helping everyone and taking in almost anyone in need no mater how little I had. 

Not I am 65 and live in a dump in the ghetto, raising kids here! and it looks like every except Jessalynn is following my lead. How do I change/fix this?? Can I??? 

Why do deaths destroy us??

I watch a lot of 20/20, Dateline,  etc so I see a lot of people dealing with death. It is so traumatic! I've been through it, too, and it is always crushing. Lately watching Dateline I started wondering why?? Death has been certain since life began. It supposedly one of the two certainties of life ie "death and taxes". So why does it shock and devastate us? It also seems like man has come up with many ideas of Afterlife to make death easier to deal with throughout history and many find comfort there but it is still a huge tragedy for everyone.  Why in the thousands of years man has been here have we not come to peace with death? I have no clue and I don't deal with it any better than anyone else. The death of my Obi was the last one that crushed me. 

And now I look at facing my own death a lot and my biggest fear is how it might effect people who care about me. How do i make it easier for Jami, Jeanette and Jenise?? Can I?Even those who are fortunate enough to have strong faith in the Afterlife still grieve deeply. I am one of those. I just can't believe that death is the End. The other day Kira said she believes death is just final and that she is happy to believe that and everyone listening was shocked including me. It's good that she is fine with that but odd compared with how mankind has always needed the Afterlife belief. 

But my point is what I first said here.  Why haven't we come to terms with death?? Even with Kira's belief, or lack of belief? she will still grieve the loss of those close to her. I can't fix this any more than anyone else can but it's just been the thing that makes me go Hmmm lately.

Still overall feeling better 😊

I'm doing pretty well these days! I don't seem to get a lot more done but I feel a lot more active. I've been walking Nova more and done a little cleaning. The main physical issue I have to deal with is nausea but I did schedule an appointment with a UNMC gastrointestinal doctor. Unfortunately the soonest appointment I could get was June 24th but time flies. When Grammy was 99 years old she talked about how time goes faster every year and it is So True. At 99 her days probably felt like 10 minutes because for me at 65 it feels like most days are only a few hours long! 

Not having a car right now really sucks. Our finances in general suck but

We've been through and survived worse for sure!!!

I am sure that a lot of feeling better is feeling LOVED lately. I have Jess taking care of me with Jeremy also doing everything he can and some Awesome grandchildren.  Especially my Jenise. She always seems so genuinely happy to see me it just makes my whole world brighter. 

I deeply regret that my mother didn't feel this love and care more! The little good time I had to take care of her and show her caring love was so short. I live for the memory of Mom's face when I would make her a special snack or treat. Now, it is sad that she said "I'm sorry for never noticing how nice you are!" but it also felt good at the time. And it has to be my fault that she didn't know me. 

I used to Beg her to move to Omaha with me so I could take care of her but she would say yes and then call and say she just couldn't picture leaving Texas and the Japanese people she had there. Only 3 of them showed up for her funeral but many had died already or they drifted apart. But my last 7 years with Steve really sucked. I should have gone to her sooner. 

So I feel a little guilty with the richness of the care I have now even though I know she is happy that I do. Mom was so worried about dying when I had no one but Jeremy. She made me promise to stay with him saying that he had "honest eyes " and would never abandon me. She was right about that but I've ended up with so much more. 

wise old woman

If I pictured living to be old I pictured I would be a wise old woman doling out wisdom to the young.  Hah. The young teach me all the time. Of course, it is a sort of wisdom to know that. 

I certainly don't feel wise. Most of the time I actually feel silly more than anything.  

Jess extending my life

Yea, it looks like I could be here for a while longer especially with Jess controlling my diet. I'm actually Loving this!! I usually just try to eat what is planned for the house or just eat Ramen or bread when their food is too spicy or something. Not since the high Alkfas!! Jess is making me Special Meals full of vegetables and fish!! Things I actually love. She has researched and found salt and butter substitutes that are fine and most of the meals look and taste gourmet!!! 

The best part is that I KNOW she loves me❣️❣️❣️

Next is the Mike recommended coffee enema which I hope makes up for me not wanting to drink the recommended 4 to 6 cups of coffee a day. I never expected drinking coffee to be a part of my healing! Funny, the Mormans say coffee is bad because it tans the liver and now they say it Heals the liver!!

I do wonder that when my "fatty Liver" was diagnosed by Laura 10 years ago she Never said anything about diet or anything correcting it but the infectious disease doctor says it can be done still even after all this time.  

So, here we go, I need to survive until the 15 year Olds are at least 18 and I just might!

Gonna b here a bit

I thought I was going to check out soon,  and I might, but not right away. I saw Infectious Disease yesterday and they seem fairly calm about my chances of recovering from the things ailing me, granulomatous disease with high alkaline phosphatase. I went we xpexting a death sentence.  It might still he one; they took 5 vials of blood for testing and now I Wait. 

 

Christmas Eve 2023

I'm feeling a twinge of Christmas spirit! Surprise! It's Jess. Doing everything to make Christmas happen. It's family. Hessalynn and Brandon are here for a week and Jenise will be back in town tomorrow, and Jeanette and the boys will be here, too. Lindsey stopped by yesterday and I have no idea where Jami is, but we are gathering for Christmas and it feels good. 

Last Christmas didn't happen with Jami in ICU and the year before was the worst Christmas ever, so This Is Nice. ❤️❤️❤️

I miss pen and paper

I really do. Now I have grandchildren who don't know how to write or read cursive because it's no longer taught. Outdated. And my handwriting has deteriorated until I sometimes can't read it. I had years of journals filling stacks of notebooks, almost all of them lost now. I doubt anyone would even want to read them but I wish I had them for Me to read now that I am forgetting so much. I realized today that I have no memory at all of what my nephew Joey looked like. Thinking of Joey grieves me greatly because he was lost to me but now he is totally lost to me. I imagine there are many, many people and memories lost to me. I am aware of some of it but positive I've lost far more than I can fathom. 

I have had this Online Journal for years. Still try to write in it but it doesn't feel at all the same as God old pen and paper. The feeling of thoughts just flowing out on their own is somehow lost in typing for me. I have no idea how people compose anything like this. How they can feel heart and soul pouring out. I can't. Of course, for me, there is also the despair that No One would care enough to want to read anything I write. These will hang online until they are deleted by Blogger Inactive after I die. 

I have little idea how I ended up mattering so very little in the world. I NEVER expected to feel or be like I am. 

My days are carbon copies of the day before. I'm pretty sure I would be diagnosed as "depressed" and maybe that's a correct diagnosis but I see nothing that can change it. I wake, I lay in bed, usually in physical pain, I eat food prepared for me, I mindlessly watch Netflix, Hulu and You Tube until I go to sleep again. Some says the wait seems too long and I take something to sleep away the day. I'm not suicidal but I feel like I have to stay alive so my income can take care of my family. They don't really want or need anything else from me. That's Not saying anything bad about them. It's just the truth. I have no advice or wisdom to share even if anyone wanted it. 

How are we at this point?

We look like we are about to lose everything.  My SSI is somehow going to be less than half what it was starting next month and our rent is going up $300. An impossible situation.  I have faced worse. But I always had this unwavering Faith that everything would work out Sonehow. 

I can't find that faith. 

I haven't had faith in anything for a very long time. Likely from my lack of faith in God. 

I think I really started losing faith when I looked deeply at the holocaust.  Looked at the suffering people who kept Faith throughout and then Still had faith after. After losing their families and suffering for years. Most of them were "God's Chosen" people biblically.  How??

Then science started knocking me around. It is accepted that we are not alone in the universe. So does each society have a God, a Jesus, and a Bible? 

I always felt secure in Faith because 94% of humans believe in God. What are the odds that the 6% are the only ones right? 

It is easy to wonder if man created God to accept life and death. That leaders needed a God of laws to ordain their laws. So many wars! So much death! Over religious beliefs!! 

How convenient that Belief is entirely based on Faith. There is no Proof. Needing Proof is sin, lack of Faith, condemnation for ye of little faith.

Then I wait for a lightning strike for such thoughts but there won't be one because that would be Proof.

I had Huge Faith. 13 years in "The Truth". No, I wasn't an ideal member. I asked too many questions,  I failed to totally live The Life. Then when all hell broke loose, when I found out our Elder molested my daughters and No One believed us. When we were excommunicated and run out of town I cursed God. Screamed at the Heavens that if He had a "plan" that it SUCKED and so did He I was still talking to, believing in Him. I just decided I didn't believe in the church. In any church. 

I often thought about Phineas's law in A Separate Peace, "Pray every night in case there is a God". So I did. 

Scopes

I had my upper/lower endoscopy yesterday, I'll get the results in 5 days. I'm afraid there is going to be some kind of cancer in the stomach or esophagus areas, about 80% sure there will be some kind of bad news. I can't see how I'm going to feel about or react to whatever the news is. I've been through expecting a Dr to find some kind of cancer several times. I Did have a small skin cancer a few years ago - and I knew that's what it was before I saw a Dr and had it removed. I also have precancerous polyps removed from my colon every couple of years the last 30 years.

My digestive system has been bad for a While. Terrible heartburn, unable to eat more than a few bites sometimes,  drowning in vomit at night, nausea, pain, not good stuff! 

I guess I wait 5 days to Know.  I dread that it might need a drastic procedure that causes them to remove my esophagus and/or stomach. Or parts of them.  Completely alter my life, make it even more difficult to survive. The whole possible death thing, I can't really see how that news would feel. 

Jeremy working on the Odyssey

He says it's easy, that he can do it,  but he is So Angry at the world today

I'm seeing him wrecking his car or breaking the van

Hope I'm Wrong!!!!!

4th of July 2023

We continued the tradition of going to 

for yhe 4th. Jeremy and I had Jasmine, Kira and Shy and Jessalynn and,Brandon are here for a couple of days which helped to get Jess and Nova to come. But then the ẃeather!! Steamy hot when we got there and pouring by the time the show started. Still, we were together. 

Just loved that ❤️ 

Journaling

It is Monday. Every weekend I think of all the things I didn't take care of the week before and say I'll start Monday and then another week Flys by. 

Saturday I got Catnis's first shots. Jazz got a hampster. Kira went to Funplez with Ban,  took Riley skating, picked up Kura and Riley and took them and Shy downtime with Emilio, took Riley home and then went back downtown to get the girls. Felt like all day in the car. Home around 1030. Yesterday I just worked I'm my garden.

May 2033

 Jessalynn, Brandon, Shy and Riley are here. Jeanette even stopped by last night. 

I love they are here but wish I could enjoy it more!!

I've been sick. Covid, then strep, then a parafluenza, then the Wreck and then RSV with a respiratory infection. 2023 so far.

I saw Death during the last illness. Woke unable to breathe, took a while to think to use an inhaler. Swore I would stop smoking. Still smoking. Right now in fact. I hear Mom all the time "Your father didn't love us enough to stop smoking". Maybe he did. Maybe near death he saw how damaging he really was to us and just let go. 

I get that.

I don't really understand how damaging I've been. I just know I have a family of damaged people and I am the common denominator.

EASTER 2023

 Jeanette brought a roast and some fixings, we made a couple things,  Jessalynn,  Brohan and Riley showed up. Lindsey, Jake, and Annabella stopped by but couldn't stay, and we had Easter Dinner.🙂😁😁❤❤❤❤❤

3/27/2023 WRECK

 Jeremy and I were on our way home from Fred Leroy when i slowed down, all lanes were blocked for an accident up ahead. I said "It looks like a wreck up ahead" and WHAM. First i noticed a terrible pain at the back of my head, then i realized we were headed fast into the car pile up ahead so I stood on the brakes stopping about a yard from the car in front of me. I looked and Jeremy was laying across his broken seat on the floor screaming that his hands were bleeding. I looked and they weren't so i tried to tell over him "YOUR HANDS ARE NOT BLEEDING! DON'T MOVE! YOU HAVE NERVE DAMAGE!!" Meanwhile I'm screaming too, I've never been hit in the head so hard and it made no sense to me because the head rest is padded. I looked in the rear view and saw a smashed white SUV with writing on the side and I told Jeremy again to STAY STILL and that it looked like a city truck, probably insured. We could see the flashing lights from police etc at the accident up ahead but they couldn't see or get to us. Jeremy was yelling WHY AREN'T THEY HELPING US?! so I called 911. A man opened Jeremy's door asking if we were ok and Jeremy started to try to get out so then I'm yelling at the man DON'T LET HIM OUT! When the first ambulance got there they were trying to decide who to get first and we were both yelling that the other was hurt worse and thankfully they listened to me and took Jeremy cursing them out for leaving me. I really didn't think I was injured badly but he was definitely most critical. 

Jeanette got to the hospital pretty fast. My head and neck hurt  very badly but even she didn't think I was badly hurt. She saw Jeremy, he was in the Trauma unit, begging to be put together. We were poked, prodded, and examined head to toe. I tried to sneak out of my room to use the bathroom and got caught and lectured but you could tell they weren't really worried about me either until my MRI came back. The room filled with people wearing dark blue and one said, We are taking over this patient! Why wasn't she taken to trauma like her husband? 

They found 2 bleeds in my brain - I guess that was why my head hurt so badly! I was admitted and moved to CCU. Jeremy was also admitted and moved to Step Down, I believe that means a step out of CCU?? 2 floors below where I was. His nurse brought me a phone and asked me to talk to Jeremy. That he needed surgery and was refusing it and demanding to see me. They told me he would be a paraplegic without the surgery so i calmed him, told him surgery wasn't really a choice. 

3am the second night they moved me to the floor Jeremy was on and wheeled me to see him. He looked so terrified and freaked out!!!! but was happy to see me. We only had part of that day near each other. They decided my bleeds could be monitored outpatient since they weren't spreading and I was sent home. I was back up there the next day for his surgery. The neurosurgeon and cardio surgeon were arguing about who should do what. Cardio explained that if neuro messed up and Jeremy needed a fast transfusion he would just bleed out because his aorta was too narrow to handle the blood volume. Neuro acted insulted, said they WOULD NOT make a mistake and that if cardio went first he might not be strong enough for them to fix his spine. I was 100% backing cardio but Jeremy flat refused the heart surgery. He was just so terrified!! They should NOT have argued in front of him and I don't think they should have listened to him - he clearly wasn't getting it. 

The surgery went smoothly,  finished in 3 instead of the projected 6 hours in spite of some complications. 

He was a mess.  Still is! He came home 3 days after surgery and later that day he realized the risk he took refusing the heart surgery. Had a full blown panic attack sure his heart was about to explode. Checked his heart and oxygen, pulse was high, but was sure it was the panic, gave him a xanax and he calmed down and slept.

Oh. Back to the accident. The other driver told the police he was looking at his phone and didn't see the accident ahead or me slow down. His vehicle went under ours which explains why we were rolling so fast after he hit us. It was not a city vehicle but it Was a company car, Ocean View Transportation.  I called Atty. Matt Knowles from the hospital and he showed up really fast! 

We got an Enterprise rental 4 days after I got home, a 2021 Malibu.

I went for a brain CT last Thursday. No one called me with results so I screen shotted the test and took it to Dr. Gold to read. He said it showed little bleeds all over my brain and told me to stop driving. 

Then who will drive the Malibu?? I'm the only one on the lease and Jeremy and Jess can't drive.....

Funny, the day before the wreck we found out Jeremy was approved for SSI. Our money problems were almost over!! Now we are also looking at a hefty settlement from this accident!!

We just have to survive to collect it 

"Home crap home"

A line from The Money Pit. I think of it a lot.

Our home has been an embarassing disastrous mess since Maple View.  Progressively worse with time. It is embarassing and mentally, possibly physically,  unhealthy. I can't fix it. I try. New Rule this week: I clean something every time I get up. Try to. Scrub a wall or a cabinet door or the bathroom shelves. It's not helping much yet. Jess tries but its overwhelming even without a mental illness. I know I screwed up not having the girls do chores. They will when asked but really, most of this mess is beyond kid chores. I feel deep guilt that I myself don't/can't do more. I feel deep anger that Jeremy won't.  In the "before" when he was working and I was able I kept it up by myself. When he stopped working I hoped he would try to keep the house clean. He does do dishes and sweep and mop the kitchen and living room a lot. Always angry he has to. If I ask him to do more he immediately says WHY ME. If I rare mention how much time he spends playing games etc he denies it and is outraged. When he could no longer drive he was enraged at "being made useless" in a filthy house.

The girls are embarrassed to have friends over. I am, too. Always terrified the landlord will evict us because the filth spills out of the house. The yard screams White Trash Live Here. Our home is the nastiest looking place for miles in any direction - and we live in the ghetto.